6 Appalling Pop Cultural Trends of the Last Decade:

There were some awful events in the Oughties, environmental disasters, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, economic crises, need I go on? Genuinely sad.

Here at The Correctness though, we thought we would take a look at some insidious pop cultural trends which we have been collectively asked to accept. If we don’t acknowledge them now, we will be force fed these horrors for the rest of our natural lives. Now is the time to recognize that we hate these things, and stop them. You may also notice a theme developing with a certain demographic who is most responsible for the problems we are having. See if you can spot who it is.

1. Calling this decade the Oughties

Far too late. Far, far too late. Needed that ten years ago. And what are these, the Teenies? Worse.

2. Emo

Who foisted this torture upon us? Why did we have to take the kinds of people we used to call “fans of The Cure” and then subtract from that equation enjoyable music, leaving a meaningless string of power chords on which to build an entire culture? What kind of suffering are teenagers familiar with? At least teenage laments in the 50’s were obviously stupid. Is there anything worse than a 15 year old who tries to tell you what pain is? Approximately 1% of teenagers know what pain is, and they likely can’t afford the haircut, and don’t want to stand out at all, or advertise their genuine misfortune. And what is that thing where you prove how different you are by being exactly the same? Ugh, I did it as a teen, it’s just sad.

3. Twilight

Vampires are a symbolic substitute for sex. This is why they are seductive and dangerous to innocent young women. Just as virtually every fairy tale is a coming of age story, vampires serve a narrative purpose too.
How the gods allowed vampires to become sensitive emo kids (EMO!) that- you know what? I haven’t read the books or watched the films. Honestly. The premise is too stupid. If, and I place heavy emphasis on the hypothetical nature of if, IF I had a girlfriend when I was 15 and she had wanted to drink my blood, she could have gone right ahead- and if she had been hesitant so that she didn’t kill me, I would have started slipping my blood into her drinks and showing up at her house bleeding. A suitable horny teen will do anything, including betray their humanity, to get some action.

4. The Return of Eighties Fashion

Oh God, I lived through it the first time, it looked stupid then, it still looks stupid now, and no legion of teenagers, gangly and retarded, will convince me that these things should come back. The neon! The tights! The rubber bracelets, the glasses, the skinny jeans, the HORROR!
Since the mid eighties we have cycled through all of the fashion of the last half decade, and some of it is fun. Most of it however, is abhorrent eye-abrasive mind rape, especially the Eighties. Why is it back? What’s left to bring back? Khaki cargo pants from ‘97? Or is it back to the fifties again. Can I wear boot cut jeans and a white t-shirt, or will I just look rockabilly?
Fashion is a snake eating its own tail. The noose grows tighter, and I need not revisit my Vuarnet sunglasses and my Cosby sweaters.

5. The Return of Eighties Music, but not the good stuff

Oh, you kids love the kitsch don’t you. Look, their was some excellent music in the Eighties, but I lived through it, and this music, categorically, was not on the radio.
New Order, not on the radio, Echo and the Bunnymen, not on the radio, Elvis Costello, not on the radio, The Cure, not on the radio, the Psychedelic Furs, The Clash, The Smiths, The Cocteau Twins, REM, essentially not on the radio.
Look, obviously these artists got some radio play, but they were drowned out by a sea of shit deeper than the Navy’s finest shit-sub could ever fathom.
REO Speedwagon? Hair Metal? What Peter Cetera did to Chicago?
Here’s one for you to remember: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” Is not a good song. It is popular because it is hilarious. Don’t forget the irony built in to enjoying this song and start just enjoying it as is. It is not a good song. It is ridiculous. You like it because it is ridiculous. You might also like it because you never had to deal with it the first time around. I’m blaming you teens again.

6. The Triumph of Teen Culture

Get off my lawn, it is all your fault. You weren’t alive in the eighties, you don’t understand how godawful they were. Hollywood sells to you, TV markets to you, Radio is dying for you, newspapers were murdered by you, fashion weeps for you, politicians are terrified of you. You are mindless automatons, and you wear what the marketers tell you, you dance like we demand you do, you have no work ethic, you believe you are entitled, you are largely more obese than we ever were.
Teens, you know what? Keep doing what you are doing, because when it is time for my revolutionary army to rise up, I will be able to brainwash you so easily it will make psychiatrists cry.
We are sorry. We are sorry that we made you dress like tramps at 11 years old, we’re sorry we told Disney the formula for selling you music and television (subcategory: Things Disney did to music and television), we’re sorry we market products towards you, we didn’t know you were so weak and shitty. I don’t even think we can save you. Not only are you hormonal and obnoxious (this would be fine, it is natural) but now you get to tell us what movies and music we are going to get sold. I don’t even get why you get to tell us what is popular! You don’t have any money! I have all the expendable income in the world now, and they don’t make stuff for me anymore, because they are designing it for you! I don’t spend my money because I don’t want to buy anything that has been designed for a bunch of retarded hump-monkeys!

The Oughties were awful, and the worst thing about them was what became of teenagers. You poor, hapless, pimply bastards.

(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)

Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.

He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.

He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”

Wald/Greedo
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”

Ki-ita Shrym
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”

The Correctness likes to take a pause every once in a while to look back and see what things were like, how the past gets us to where we are now. Today’s installment comes from admin_rock, who brings us a sentimental look back at a time we like to call “1 to 2 pm today”.

It was a memorable time, a time of wonder, of prosperity, of growth. It was a time when things were simpler then they are now. It was a time filled with hope, with excitement, and wonder. It wasn’t all good news though, there were hard times to be sure, when things didn’t go right.

ECONOMICS:

The economy of the last hour was troubled. A double whammy of a visit to the cash machine and the purchase of a lunch, combined with the lack of income over the hour left financial analysts shaking their heads. Forecasts seem better for the immediate future, but things were not all sunshine and handjobs. (ed: This COULD have been “Sunshine and Roses”, or “Sunshine and Lollipops”, but after a brief discussion, the parties involved preferred handjobs to either alternative.)

CULTURE:

Culture was to be found throughout the time, and held sway until the end of the era. Not only was music to be heard throughout the hour, but access to the internet was unfettered for the last half of the time frame. Many websites were visited, and there was a general feeling that Joseph Gordon-Levitt kicked ass on Saturday Night Live. It wasn’t all good news, as the trend dipped negatively for “New Moon”, with the indication that it was really, really terrible, and only 13yr old girls and spinsters should view it.

SPORTS:

Sports were of minimal note during the hour, with only a single reference to a football game occurring in the distant past.

QUALITY OF LIFE:

The time began on an upbeat note, with the acquisition of Chicken Pesto Penne. Not only did this quell the rising hunger trend of the past, but it also provided a pause for thought and inner reflection. There was a time of great joy when contact was made with families over the phone, and laughter over the confusion of infants using said device. Toward the end of the time though, there was an indication that things were heading towards a more serious future, complete with meetings.

POLITICS:

This was the hour that the world looked on in amazement, as Dean Walton, from marketing pulled off a shocking lunch hour coup and seized power long enough to sign for a package. This shocking power play was cut short when management returned from their extended lunch meeting.

THE FUTURE:

None of us can say for sure what the future holds. The best we can do is make educated guesses. It looks as though the near future will be a time of solemn reflection and attention to tasks, as well as a near total lack of food. Following that, time spent at the gym seems to be looming. Also, indications point to short periods of travel, followed by an end to the famine in the form of dinner.

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930’s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

(ED: Today’s article comes from our vast archives. This originally appeared in the July 1910 issue of The Correctness.)

The Correctness is concerned about health issues, as we all are. With all this talk about Hand Washing, we’ve decided to get to the bottom of the issue, to help you avoid any confusion.

CLAIM: Hand Washing can kill germs that make us sick.

We’re not ones to hop on a band-wagon, but there seems to be some validity to this. Earlier this year, Dr. Josephine Baker began program in New York City to educate child care workers about hygiene issues like hand washing. Opponents to her program are claiming that such measures are reducing the need for doctors and health care, and that such a thing will cause a lack of illnesses.

We decided to speak to many of these indidivuals, to hear their complaints. Here is what they had to say:

Dr. Robert Hechler: “Hand Washing won’t stop germs from spreading. In fact, it will make them spread faster. Moving them around with all that water. It’s a disaster waiting to happen”.

Dr. Otto Reichensvold:”Hand Washing hasn’t been tested enough. Do you have any idea what is in SOAP???!!! It has lye in it!!! LYE!!!

Dr. Samuel K Sammail: “Anyone who cares about their bodies should avoid hand washing. There are better ways to destroy germs and stop illnesses, such as applying leeches to one’s parts, and smearing garlic upon the brow of a newborn child. That’s assuming you can find a child who hasn’t died at birth, of course.”

Dr. Frannie Stevenson: “Hand washing doesn’t kill germs. God kills germs.”

Dr. Abner Dulang: “People over the age of 25 are immune to germs, to tell them they need to wash hands is immoral”.

Dr. Harold Buferkin: “This all sounds like an attempt by the government to control the population. Next they’ll be trying to “cure” smallpox.