by Correctness Guest Correspondent Trevor Campbell

For generations now Man has looked to the seemingly cute & innocent Groundhog to forecast the coming Spring for us, but we have never asked ourselves, at what cost? Have we sold our souls to these little burrowing devils? We all know the tradition, every year on February 2nd citizens of cities, towns & villages alike gather around the hole that leads to the home of their friendly loveable little weather predicting Groundhog. The lazy little dirt-Sloth then waddles out and if he does not see his shadow we can look forward to an early Spring. However, if he does sees his shadow we are doomed to six more weeks of Winter. What powers of prognostication his little earth-Weasel has. And what power over our springtime hopes and dreams we have given them.

Every year mankind is so happy to have this season-ending information that these Groundhogs are treated like Royalty or even better. First of all, they get away with working a mere five minutes a YEAR! Even Santa would kill for those kind of hours and the little soil-snakes are like Santas in reverse!! They take and take and are thanked for it! They are showered with gifts of praise, food, cash, mini-clothing, parades are thrown in their honor and even movies are made about them. We have even come to give it it’s own day. It’s own DAY! How wrong is this? Presidents get a day, Martin Luther King JR gets a day, Jesus get a day. So now we have fallen so under this little mud-rat’s spell that the Groundhog gets a day?

But why? We pay through the nose asking the Groundhog to please, like some Godfather, grant us the favor of knowing how much more winter we have. And what do they tell us? Let’s recap, they inform us of an early Spring or six weeks more weeks of Winter. But wait, if you go forward from Feb 2nd for six weeks you land on March 16th. That is five days earlier than Spring is supposed to arrive anyway. So that means that “six more weeks of Winter” or “an early Spring” is the SAME THING! The Groundhogs tell us NOTHING!! They are running the world’s largest SCAM!! It’s a Ponzi scheme in a Pyramid wrapped in an Amway salesman.

This is a plague. These false prophets are everywhere. Millions of villages, towns & cities now have Groundhog ceremonies. That means there are millions of these little filth-frauds and growing. But who are they? Sure, we all know the more famous supposedly squeaky-clean Groundhog leaders Punxsutawney Phil & Wiarton Willie, but check out the list of goons that control our springtime dreams. It’s who’s who of criminals & thugs:

Spanish Joe, French Creek Freddie, Stanton Island Chuck, Stormy Marmot, Dunkirk Dave, Woody, Gus, Chuckles, Shubenacadie Sam, Fountain Hills Weasel, Queen Charlotte, Holtsville Hal, Buckeye Chuck and of course, the lowest of the low, the meanest, cruelest, most fearsome groundhog with large amounts of blood on his hands…. Jimmy the Groundhog.

They are all dangerous. They are all real. Look it up.

We must put an end to this madness.

We must stop these weather terrorist Groundhogs and the drain on Society they represent.

I thank you.