Ah, Broadway! The Great White Way, the place where dreams are made, and Disney movies (and the homeless) come to die. It is at once dazzling, alarming and expensive, but fear not. Before you spend your hard earned tourist dollars to seat yourself down in the theatre wearing your I Heart NY T-shirt under your suit jacket, and stow your statue of liberty salt and pepper shakers securely ‘neath your gum laden seat, check out our picks and pans to make sure your money is well spent. But before you venture further please take a quick look at a few etiquette tips for seeing a Broadway show.

-Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, blackberries, Iphones, pacemakers, R2 astromech units, electronic quarterback games, and in the case of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, hearing aids.

-Refrain from shouting “This is nothing like the movie!” at the actors. They are aware that the movie that “Big Mommas Musical House” was based on did not have any singing in it.

-If the complexities of Disney’s latest musical adaptation vex you, please check the convenient idiot approved synopsis in your program, rather than asking the extraordinarily loud bank employee from Toledo on your left.

-When discussing the show in the lobby, do not wish aloud they served dinner with the show like they do back home. You might get punched in the throat by The Correctness, or some other random theatre fan. In fact they may not even be theatre fans, New Yorkers can be hostile with little or no provocation.

Understand?

Excellent

Then let’s begin.

Glengarry Glen Campbell
Richard Rodgers, 226 W. 46th St (Broadway/8th Av)

Mamet and 70’s soft country make strange bedfellows in this tale of a group of real estate salesmen on the Wichita County line. The song “Rhinestone Fucking Cowboy” certainly brings the house down (Way down …to the point of clinical depression) but on the whole this would be one to avoid, especially if you are sensitive to bad language and worse songwriting

Tony N Tina’s Funeral
Helen Hayes, 240 W. 44th St., (7th/8th Avs.)

This hilarious, fun and interactive show allows you to attend the services for the two titular characters, eat finger sandwiches and offer your condolences to the actors. Anne Hartney steals the show as Mama, who manages to push past the broad stereotypes of her character and deliver a real performance. Her tear filled Eulogy is especially hilarious.

Oedipus n Boots
Barrymore Theatre, 243 W. 47th St. (8/9thAvs)

Greek Tragedy meets English Panto in this mixed bag production that is not without its charms. A personal favorite scene is when Oedipus gets the whole audience involved in his wacky mix up.

OEDIPUS: Wait a minute…THAT’S not my MOTHER!

AUDIENCE: OHHH YES IT IS!!!

OEDIPUS: OHHHH NO IT ISN’T!!!

Pap Smear : The Musical
St. James Theatre 246 W. 44th St. (7th/8th Avs)

With such show stopping numbers as “Just Scraping By” and “Cervix with a Smile” this smash hit is sure to run for years. But make your appointment now, you may have to wait three weeks to a month to get in to see it.

The Odd Couple (Revival)
Eugene O’Neill, 230 W. 49th St., (Broadway/8th Av)

This revival features Brody Jenner as the slovenly Oscar, and Spencer Pratt as the neat freak Felix. There have been some updates to the script as well, Oscar is a sports blogger, and Felix is a club hopping shallow douche bag. In a related story Neil Simon has announced that he will be committing suicide, specifically so he can roll in his grave.

My Hilarious One Woman Show That Also Pertains to My Ethnicity
Hirshfeld, 302 W. 45th St., (8th/9thAvs)

Mina Scanderoupalanditranfergusdentannetenburgesshecorelizondoplolis shares what it was like growing up in a family of undermined ethnicity. Utterly heartwarming…if there was a slight blip in the time/space continuum in which the meaning of the word “heartwarming” was changed to mean what we currently understand to mean “repugnant”

Gay Pride and Prejudice – The Musical
Lyceum 149 W. 45th St., (Broadway/6th Av)
Redundant as it may be to put “Gay” and “Musical” in the same sentence, this is actually pretty good. And Dave tells us the book was excellent.

Tix Booth
213 West 42nd Street (7th/8th Avs)

We were under the impression that this was a brilliant conceptual show being put on in the heart of Times Square. Turns out we were mistaken. On an unrelated note, we happen to have two tickets to the Lion King we don’t want….

So there you have it. Save us a seat at Sardi’s! But don’t tell them you are waiting for us…they are still pretty sore about “The Woody Allen Incident”