More than I hate the TV Show “The View” and that is saying a lot.
Just for the sake of context, please take a listen to as much of this as you can stand. I made it about a minute and a half in.
Did you listen to it? Then the first thing I need to do is apologize for making you listen to what sounds like a shitty beat poet on open mic night poorly dubbed over an even shittier garage band improvising a “Jam”.
Remember witnessing the birth of Spinal Tap Mark Two where they improvised a free form jazz odyssey in front of about 50 people at the amusement park? This track makes Spinal Tap Mark Two seem like Pink Floyd during the Dark Side of the Moon sessions.
The upcoming album is called LULU, and while I can’t possibly judge the whole album by one track, we must keep in mind that they collectively listened to the whole album, and decided, “Yes, THIS is the song that will hook everyone…this song is Tits and Ice Cream and people will love it, and in no way will it make them want to drive red hot railroad spikes in their ears and scream ‘MUSIC IS DEAD, WHAT WAS HEARD CANNOT BE UNHEARD!!!!’ ”
Advertisements for the album have been banned in the London Underground, (which is apparently not so much velvet as it is concrete) because it looks too much like graffiti. But secretly I think they banned it because it sounds too much like shit.
Now to be fair, I’m not a huge Lou Reed fan, I like the song “Perfect Day” even though it makes me want to curl up in the corner of an unfinished basement and weep. You gotta love “Take a Walk on the Wild side.” and I like “Waiting for the Man”, and “Sweet Jane” But Lou Reed has gone on record as saying it is the BEST thing he’s ever done. Honestly. Here’s the quote…
“In recent interviews Reed has pronounced the album to be the greatest thing anyone has ever recorded, while the thrash titans have revealed that they were moved to tears during album sessions.
“This is the best thing I ever did” explained Lou Reed in a recent statement. “And I did it with the best group I could possibly find. By definition, everybody involved was honest. This has come into the world pure. We pushed as far as we possibly could within the realms of reality.”
The BEST.THING. HE. EVER. DID. No Lou…the best thing you ever did was heroin and Nico. Probably at the same time.The best thing ever recorded? I don’t even think Paul McCartney has the balls to say that about Sergeant Pepper, and Paul has NO hesitation in telling you exactly how awesome he is. And I assure you, nothing about this indicates you are anywhere NEAR “A Day in The Life.” It can’t even carry “When I’m 64″‘s nutsack, never mind the deeper tracks.
It has come into the world pure shit. You pushed one out alright.
Of course Metallica wept…If I saw my career spinning into the toilet I’d weep too! And let’s talk for a minute about Metallica. Unlike Admin Rock who is all Depeche Mode-y, and Robbierobtown and his prediliction for the quirky, poppy and unheard of I am a Rock and Roll guy through and through. I dig Metallica. I don’t even think they sold out on “The Black Album” It’s a fucking awesome album. But they have had plenty of missteps, the biggest being “St. Anger”. Or at least it was. Do yourselves a favour, Metallica…start hanging around with people who will say “No” to you. You already recorded with a symphony orchestra. That’s your ONE indulgence. Everyone gets a free pass on that one. And I guess I can see you wanting to work with an icon…but was David Bowie busy? Or did he just realize what you and Lou didn’t, that this was a COLOSSALLY bad idea, with two styles that won’t mix unless ONE OF YOU MAKES CONCESSIONS. For a collaboration to work you have to meet in the middle, not just do your own thing and not give an inch so it sounds like you aren’t even recording in the same building. I’ve heard youtube mashups by 12 year olds that fit together better than this.
So to sum up, While I can’t trash an album I haven’t heard this song stinks. “Dead mouse in the middle of a month old egg salad sandwich in a shoe in the trunk of a car in Georgia in July” stinks. How much do I hate it?
-I’d rather be the “Oil up Boy” on the set of Jersey Shore than listen to this again.
-I’d rather breathe through a gas mask lined with Courtney Loves used “bender” panties for a month than listen to this again
-I’d rather sit through a Marathon of those horrible “_______ Movie” Movies with Fran Drescher, who would be drugged enough to find them hilarious and would bray out laughter at every non joke, than listen to this again
-I’d rather let my son play on Eric Clapton’s balcony than hear it again.
-I’d rather listen to Nickleback.
It’s like a punch in the soul nuts with brass knuckles. Amnesty international is looking into banning the album based on Human Rights violations with regards to torture laws. Someone should put their nose in it, smack them with a newspaper and say “BAD MILLIONAIRE ROCK STARS!!!! BAD!!”
So yeah. I did not much care for that. At all.