So…How Much Do I Hate The Lou Reed /Metallica Song “The View?”

More than I hate the TV Show “The View” and that is saying a lot.

Just for the sake of context, please take a listen to as much of this as you can stand. I made it about a minute and a half in.

The View by Lou Reed & Metallica

Did you listen to it? Then the first thing I need to do is apologize for making you listen to what sounds like a shitty beat poet on open mic night poorly dubbed over an even shittier garage band improvising a “Jam”.

Remember witnessing the birth of Spinal Tap Mark Two where they improvised a free form jazz odyssey in front of about 50 people at the amusement park? This track makes Spinal Tap Mark Two seem like Pink Floyd during the Dark Side of the Moon sessions.

The upcoming album is called LULU, and while I can’t possibly judge the whole album by one track, we must keep in mind that they collectively listened to the whole album, and decided, “Yes, THIS is the song that will hook everyone…this song is Tits and Ice Cream and people will love it, and in no way will it make them want to drive red hot railroad spikes in their ears and scream ‘MUSIC IS DEAD, WHAT WAS HEARD CANNOT BE UNHEARD!!!!’ ”

Advertisements for the album have been banned in the London Underground, (which is apparently not so much velvet as it is concrete) because it looks too much like graffiti. But secretly I think they banned it because it sounds too much like shit.

Now to be fair, I’m not a huge Lou Reed fan, I like the song “Perfect Day” even though it makes me want to curl up in the corner of an unfinished basement and weep. You gotta love “Take a Walk on the Wild side.” and I like “Waiting for the Man”, and “Sweet Jane” But Lou Reed has gone on record as saying it is the BEST thing he’s ever done. Honestly. Here’s the quote…

“In recent interviews Reed has pronounced the album to be the greatest thing anyone has ever recorded, while the thrash titans have revealed that they were moved to tears during album sessions.

“This is the best thing I ever did” explained Lou Reed in a recent statement. “And I did it with the best group I could possibly find. By definition, everybody involved was honest. This has come into the world pure. We pushed as far as we possibly could within the realms of reality.”

The BEST.THING. HE. EVER. DID. No Lou…the best thing you ever did was heroin and Nico. Probably at the same time.The best thing ever recorded? I don’t even think Paul McCartney has the balls to say that about Sergeant Pepper, and Paul has NO hesitation in telling you exactly how awesome he is. And I assure you, nothing about this indicates you are anywhere NEAR “A Day in The Life.” It can’t even carry “When I’m 64″‘s nutsack, never mind the deeper tracks.

It has come into the world pure shit. You pushed one out alright.

Of course Metallica wept…If I saw my career spinning into the toilet I’d weep too! And let’s talk for a minute about Metallica. Unlike Admin Rock who is all Depeche Mode-y, and Robbierobtown and his prediliction for the quirky, poppy and unheard of I am a Rock and Roll guy through and through. I dig Metallica. I don’t even think they sold out on “The Black Album” It’s a fucking awesome album. But they have had plenty of missteps, the biggest being “St. Anger”. Or at least it was. Do yourselves a favour, Metallica…start hanging around with people who will say “No” to you. You already recorded with a symphony orchestra. That’s your ONE indulgence. Everyone gets a free pass on that one. And I guess I can see you wanting to work with an icon…but was David Bowie busy? Or did he just realize what you and Lou didn’t, that this was a COLOSSALLY bad idea, with two styles that won’t mix unless ONE OF YOU MAKES CONCESSIONS. For a collaboration to work you have to meet in the middle, not just do your own thing and not give an inch so it sounds like you aren’t even recording in the same building. I’ve heard youtube mashups by 12 year olds that fit together better than this.

So to sum up, While I can’t trash an album I haven’t heard this song stinks. “Dead mouse in the middle of a month old egg salad sandwich in a shoe in the trunk of a car in Georgia in July” stinks. How much do I hate it?

-I’d rather be the “Oil up Boy” on the set of Jersey Shore than listen to this again.

-I’d rather breathe through a gas mask lined with Courtney Loves used “bender” panties for a month than listen to this again

-I’d rather sit through a Marathon of those horrible “_______ Movie” Movies with Fran Drescher, who would be drugged enough to find them hilarious and would bray out laughter at every non joke, than listen to this again

-I’d rather let my son play on Eric Clapton’s balcony than hear it again.

-I’d rather listen to Nickleback.

It’s like a punch in the soul nuts with brass knuckles. Amnesty international is looking into banning the album based on Human Rights violations with regards to torture laws. Someone should put their nose in it, smack them with a newspaper and say “BAD MILLIONAIRE ROCK STARS!!!! BAD!!”

So yeah. I did not much care for that. At all.

8 Responses to “So…How Much Do I Hate The Lou Reed /Metallica Song “The View?””

1. Ringo says:

   September 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm

   I was allowed to carry When I’m 64′s nut sack.

   peace & love,

   Ringo

     Ringo(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
2. Tomass says:

   September 27, 2011 at 12:35 pm

   On my worst day I could write something better than this!

   I could write a song better than this while, drunk, stoned, being beaten with bamboo rods and raped nasaly by well endowed horses!

   I wouldn’t release anything this bad even under a pseudonym!

   This is just bad angsty poetry over the most uninspired chug metal that sounds like it was written by the love child of Hetfield and a hunk of his own shit.

   They will make money with this, which annoys me to no end.

   seriously… WHAT THE FUCK!?

   On the good side of this, as a musician it makes me happy to know that I am better than a professional at something (but the bar is just sooooooo low now).

     Tomass(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
3. Tomass says:

   September 27, 2011 at 12:36 pm

   Have you considered naming this post…

   A CASE FOR ABORTION!

     Tomass(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
4. Tomass says:

   September 27, 2011 at 1:00 pm

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICbc8DpcX3w

   = A better song than “The View”

     Tomass(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
5. admin_rock says:

   September 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

   I was going to take exception to being called “all Depeche Mode-y”, but I think I’m okay with that. It’s a bit limiting, and I’m probably more “Smiths-y”, but I can live with it.

   I listened to this track, it’s pretty friggin bad. Worse than normal Metallica, which is also pretty friggin bad.

     admin_rock(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
6. El-Ahrairah says:

   September 28, 2011 at 6:49 am

   Hey, I’ve thought Metallica’s sucked since the Black Album (Oh, how I tried to like it), so this doesn’t surprise me one bit.

   Pre-1991 Metallica was awesome, but they went commercial and chose to stay that way. Sure, Maiden tried that with Seventh Son, and as much as they defended it, they still went back to heay on their next album. Its obvious Metallica wasn’t paying attention.

   To sum up, in conclusion, Fuck You Metallica, Fuck You with a hot poker…too bad you’re taking Lou Reed’s reputation down with you.

     El-Ahrairah(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
7. Artor says:

   September 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

   I made it about 10 seconds before making it stop so I could ream my ears out with a corkscrew. I was just going to say, “That sucks sweaty balls,” but I commend you for your eloquence. The analogy with Courtney Love’s nasty panties was particularly poignant. Or is that pungent? Either way works. You don’t think you could have Tbinns’ed the post a little to make it more interesting though?

     Artor(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply
8. The M-Daddy says:

   September 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

   I was quick to think that Lou’s all fucked up and it’s mostly his fault, but I remembered his song on ‘Plastic Beach’ and it was actually pretty good, likely because Damon Albarn has more creativity and musical soul in the dead skin flakes of his diseased third nut sack than all current and former members of Metallica and their entire extended families (possibly all the way to third cousins, twice removed…) combined.

   And frankly, I LIKE Metallica, so I’m not even hating on them THAT bad. Like the ‘Binns said, compromise. That’s the key.

     The M-Daddy(Quote)  (Reply)

   Reply