The Correctness received this impassioned plea for wisdom a few days after the close of our contest, but we felt it warranted special attention, due to the serious public health concerns:
Could you please help me and my friend with a problem we are having. As residents of South East Asia, it has come to our attention that many people are afraid of contracting H1N1. This in itself is annoying, as the current strain of the virus appears to be as terrifying as dermatitis, and quite a lot less irritating.
However, our real issue is with the fucktards (and we do not borrow the term liberally in this case) who think that they will save themselves from this disease by wearing crappy paper face masks they purchase in the local pharmacy.
How do we cope with being surrounded by morons who believe a non sealed paper mask, worn throughout the ENTIRE day, and possibly even recycled into the next, will operate as a droplet infection barrier?
What do we do when we witness again and again these same plankton brains having conversations while LIFTING THE MASK AWAY FROM THEIR FACES, and then replacing them?
We do not know why we get so angry. My friend saw one with a Pooh Bear picture on it. This particular mask caused an overwhelming desire on her part to shove it into the gob of the idiot who was wearing it, whilst coughing all over them. If I had been there, I worry that I may have actually rugby tackled the person and held them down for her.
Is everyone else in the world stupid?
Everyone Very Indignantly Livid Because In This Country H1N1 Equals Stupidness.
Wow, you are really angry EVILBITCH(1N1)ES. But let’s get right down to it. H1N1 is a present, unstoppable risk to all humanity, and bacon. Bacon, EVILBITCH(1N1)ES, Bacon. While I am no expert on South East Asia, other than which hotel has the most whores off the strip despite their comical efforts to be a “family” business, what I can tell you something about is Canada. Every year in Canada, about 10,000 people are killed by the garden variety, boring old flu. You know, the “jeepers I’m feeling a bit under the weather, was I drinking last night, no because i’m a teetotaler” kind of flu.
Similarly, in Canada, well over -1 people died of H1N1, and I assure you it is A REAL, TERRIFYING, LEGITIMATE THREAT THAT IS WAITING FOR YOU TO STOP LOOKING TO SNEAK UP, INVADE YOUR ASS, AND GIVE YOU EBOLA LIKE SYMPTOMS. Do you want your intestines to turn liquid, leaving only sagging sausage casings inside of your body to feebly attempt to digest your food? Have you ever fought a ninja? Do you know what it is like to get ninja stars in your eyes? Because I assure you, that’s what H1N1 will be like- it will be like ninja stars in the eyes, while shitting razors, while listening to The Doodlebops, or possibly the Wiggles.
The reason so few people can be considered confirmed fatalities with H1N1 is that the virus is too goddamn smart for you. It knows you are trying not to think about it, and it will be back, and in greater numbers. It will be back like Sand People. It will be back like your ex girlfriend. It will be drunk, it will be angry, it will be demanding you let it in. It will be holding one broken high heel in it’s hand. It will be back like Arnie. It will be back like the oral herpes you forgive yourself for because that was college, and it’s different from the other herpes, even though, really, no it isn’t.
EVERYONE MUST PROTECT THEMSELVES OR FACE HIDEOUS RAZOR-ASSED DEATH.
1. A paper mask is imperative. The size of the pores in the paper through which the majority of your air flows are larger than the H1N1 virus. This will assure the airborne virus passes through the paper mask like water passes through a drain- all swirly like. If you are in the southern hemisphere, you must wear your mask upside down, due to the Coriolis Effect. The efficacy of a loose paper mask cannot be denied. Most major epidemics have not started near paper masks or any large sources of paper, like stationary stores. This is based on years of research. I never once got AIDS at Staples.
2. Have Winnie The Pooh on your mask. This is important for several reasons. First, take solace in your childhood, this may be the only thing that saves you. The small amount of joy brought to you in the face of your certain doom by having Winnie the Pooh on your paper mask is one of your few lines of defense. Second, and this is a medically proven fact, Winnie the Pooh will be exposed to the virus first before you are, because he is in front of you. This is more than science, this is simple logic. If you don’t have Winnie the Pooh on your face, you’d better get something, anything, like a photograph of someone you hate, and then strap that thing right onto your paper mask. They will totally get H1N1 before you do because viruses are transmitted in linear rays, from the infected to the first object they bump into. Winnie the Pooh is really taking one for the team here, but nobody wants to see Christopher Robin shitting mucousy blood while Eeyore laments everyone’s inevitable suffocating death.
3. Take off the mask to talk to people. This is just polite. Viruses respect courtesy, and won’t betray you. This is also why I never got AIDS at Staples.
4. Panic. Look, I know we just met. But H1N1 is out there, and it has been watching you sleep, and taking notes on you, and it has a whole log book of your behaviours. Once people start turning into bloodthirsty God-forsaken zombies and begin consuming the flesh of the living to satiate their unstoppable lust for infection and death, we may not have much time left. I think the only place we might be safe here is inside of this stock room at the Staples. What did you say your major was? Marine Biology? You’re going to swim with the dolphins someday, for sure you are. No, no, even though both of my friends with Marine Biology degrees ended up counting fish stock and sorting species of kelp , I just know YOU are the one Sea World wants. You’ve got something special kiddo. No, I’m not just saying that because we are going to die. We’ll get out of here somehow. Now bring over one of those boxes of glossy cardstock, and let me take your pants off. It’s all we can do to survive this. No I didn’t bring a condom. This is STAPLES. we are in a defensible, paper filled fortress. Don’t mind my cold sore, it’s going away.
Be safe out there everyone, and get with the program, EVILBITCH(1N1)ES, because you are at real risk of dying too. Now take your pants off.