Letter to a Woodcutter

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90's, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned. 1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. "Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion" sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say "Enough with the glasses, especially if you don't need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?". And so it shall be.

... Q: A popular technique for time travel that I often hear discussed is "folding time". How does folding time help to travel through time? A: Well, it’s a simple as this: Imagine time is this piece of paper (Rob holds a piece of paper). Now imagine we could do this (Rob bends the paper to touch in a couple of places) so we could pass from one point in time to another. Well time travel is not at all like that. It’s more like if I did that paper bending thing, except with time instead of paper. Paper is more like paper than it is like time, it's just serving as a physical analogue in this case. Like, I guess you could create similes about how paper is like time, but why bother?... See full text for instructions...

Since before the days of the Intertubes, mankind has been assembling, sorting, and placing things in top 10, or 7, or 3 lists. We at The Correctness applaud these efforts, but feel that sometimes they can be too general. Like say "Top 10 Science Fiction Movies". Easy enough, you have your 6 favorites, and can throw a few more in to make up the difference. But today, we embark on a quest to award films for VERY specific things. To wit: The First Correctness Way Too Specific Movie Awards. The Categories must be strictly defined, but still allow for a number of films to be considered. "Best Keanu Reeves movie where he plays a surfing cop" would be TOO specific. But say, "Best Movie featuring a bomb on a moving vehicle", or "Best Movie taking place mostly inside a computer" would be okay. On with it!

You have been asking, you have been waiting, you are a fictional construct I am using to build tension. Finally, what "you" wanted is here: Another correctness.com Awesome Undercard event to tide you over until the next full on smackdown series. In this match-up, it's every bear for himself- Or, every bear for himself and his or her family, cousins, distant relations, or loosely knit community! And if that wasn't enough, they are facing off against me, and my unfathomable ennui! That's right, it's Care Bears vs. Gummi Bears vs. Berenstain bears, vs. My Increasing Disillusionment.