Dear Mr. Woodcutter,
I am writing to you seeking compensation for damages to my property and myself, stemming from events of two weeks ago. As you’re no doubt aware, your children, finding themselves lost in the woods, took it upon themselves to vandalize a modern art installation I was working on in the darkest part of the forest. Not that you would be concerned, but my goal was to show the juxtaposition of the innocence and color of candy with the bleakness of the forest.
As mentioned, on or about the 23rd of last month, your two children set upon my work, ingesting it with great speed. By the time I was able to speak to them, they had removed an entire window frame, and carved through my front wall. When I questioned their actions, they scoffed at me, and ran in to my home. I attempted to stop them, but they quickly overpowered me. The next 5 days were a nightmare. During the day I was forced to clean up the house after them, as they did as they pleased. At night, they locked me into a small cage I had on hand for a dog, long since gone.
It was only by my quick thinking, and your children’s lack of knowledge of the operation of ovens that I was able to escape. I climbed in the oven, and pretended I was being cooked. I waited an entire evening in there, to be certain they had left, before climbing out. When I looked around the house, I found your son had left me a “parting gift”. Sir, I do not exaggerate when I tell you that a diet consisting purely of gingerbread and ju-jubes makes for the most foul of excrement.
I am therefore seeking damages in the amount of $6,000, which is the estimated amount to repair the house, and replenish my materials. I trust you will do the honorable thing and send payment immediately, lest I be forced to take further action.