Dear Linkedin:

First off, congratulations, it’s “open Letter” week here at The Correctness. Way to make the rant list!

Now then: I understand you are a social networking site of some kind. I understand that such things are important. People need them for things and stuff, and to date businesses and poke plenty of fish. Social networking also helps us maintain pointless and chilly friendships by “liking” something. By the way, facebook, it’s essentially the least you can do, to “like” something. It is the penultimate least. It’s like complimenting someone on a coffee table book that was a gift, but less effective.

In any case, LinkedIn, thank you for sending me FOUR emails to each of my two personal email addresses (that’s 8 so far) to inform me that my ex girlfriend wants to be my friend on your site. You don’t know my ex girlfriend like I do- though, you may know her a bit- like, I’m guessing you know her date of birth, and her supposed line of work. In any case, I know her pretty well, and I can assure you, she doesn’t actually want me to join linkedin.

For a few tense and panic-attack-inspiring seconds, I thought my ex might have actually hand selected me to be buddies on LinkedIn. Now without revealing too much about this relationship, I spent mere instants in this delusion before the truth struck me: While she was signing up, you popped up a helpful pop up window that asked if she wanted to email everyone in her address book. She of course clicked yes, because she is illiterate. Her illiteracy is also the reason that I am still a part of her address book.

LinkedIn, I just wanted to let you know that you can stop sending me reminder emails about my ex girlfriend. She doesn’t actually want to be my business super pal, or whatever the specialization of your ballsucking social network is. I’m sure she would rather get chlamydia- again. All that happened was that she absentmindedly clicked “sure, okay” to emailing her whole address book. I do not need to receive biweekly reminders that she has sent me this personal invitation, because she hasn’t.

And don’t correct me if i’m wrong on this assessment, or I will never sleep again.

Sincerely,

RobieRobTown.

The Correctness correspondent RobbieRobTown is the unmarried 1/3 of thecorrectness.com staff. He used to be quite nice, but years of terrible relationships have turned him into an asshole. He complains publicly about his personal life, but his blog reaches a larger audience than most. He lives in purgatory.