Talk about your comeback tours. Even the Stones or Kiss would have trouble after a millennium, but Jesus is back, in a big way. He’s been called the Son of God, (No, not Clapton, the actual one) Messiah, Saviour, Lord and Judge, he’s had his share of tough times (Crucifixion, anyone?) but you wouldn’t know it to look at him today. He’s a pre-electric Dylan in a post Led Zeppelin world, but sitting on the outdoor patio of Benny’s Cafe in L.A., dressed in chinos and a white t shirt, his Birkenstock s tucked neatly under his chair, he seems relaxed, friendly even. Not the man you would expect after two thousand years in the spotlight. His arm sports a tattoo that says Mary and if he knows which one its for he’s not telling. His hair is long, but drawn back into a ponytail, and there are visible scars on his hands as he sips his beverage, and scans the menu for anything kosher. My job was to hopefully get into some of the invisible scars.
Jesus, thanks for talking to us. I know you dont like to give interviews.
Well, its not like I don’t like interviews; its just that I get misquoted a lot. You know if Barack Obama gets misquoted, there’s a press conference, maybe someone gets sued. When I get misquoted, Crusades happen. It’s freaky sometimes. Even the Apostles would do it. I’d be halfway through a statement and four of them would run off to write it down and see who could get it in their gospel first. And they’d hardly ever get it right anyway.
So, the gospels are wrong?
Wrong? No, I wouldn’t say that, just certain details. Semantics really. For instance did you know that I NEVER said “My God My God why have you forsaken me”?
No what I said was “My God, My God, why are there four stakes in me.”
He pauses reflectively for a moment then flags down a waitress. He kindly explains to her that he ordered a double espresso, not a latte. “Take this cup away from me.” He says with an impish grin. She, not recognizing him doesn’t get the joke. Jesus is such a cool guy he blesses her anyway.
Jesus, a lot of our readers have a lot of very important questions they’d like answered
Well, Ill do my best.
For instance, how do you feel about Ouija boards, are they, like totally evil or what?
I’ll level with you; anything with the word Board in it makes me a tad nervous these days. Ironic considering how I used to make my living.
Do you still keep in touch with The Apostles after the break up?
Absolutely. Just because we don’t tour together anymore, doesn’t mean were not close. Well, most of us anyway.
No chance of ever touring with Judas again?
I have a few places lined up. Getting sponsors has proved difficult; I’m pretty picky about that. All the big money is in sin these days. Paul has just finished cutting his Road to Damascus C.D. I’m thinking Ill have him open for me.
So you don’t hold a Bigger than Jesus grudge?
No, not at all. I ribbed John a little when he was at the Gates, but that was it. I told him Dad punished him by making him fall in love with Yoko. We busted out a tape measure, turns out he actually does have a couple of inches on me. We all had a good laugh about it.
Is the Pope mad that he’s not opening for you?
He was disappointed, but I think he understands. The Pope plays only to a select group, and this tour should be for all the fans. I gave him the keys to the kingdom, what more does he want? Plus, dude looks like the Emperor from Star wars he creeps me out, if I can be honest with you.
Jesus the New Testament broke all the rules, and was a landmark piece of work. The Old Testament was a rock hard acid riff on vengeance, with a gutsy blues style bemoaning fate at the hands of enemies and a vengeful God. Tracks like The Book of Job betray a like it or lump it attitude, much like the early days of the Who. Then you come along and make a gentle pop folk sound, too serious to be bubblegum, too hot to be serious. Old Testament Unplugged if you will
Uhhhh sure. Is there a question in there somewhere?
To what extent did the old sound influence you, and why the change in direction?
Well, obviously people like Moses and Abraham are a huge influence, but ultimately an artist has to break free of their roots and grow in a different direction This reminds me of a parable, actually
Sorry to interrupt, but my editor asked me to make sure I use the word Fuck at some point in the interview. Lets people know were hip. Do you mind?
Oh okay, whatever.
You’ve suffered a very public arrest, trial and execution, and you’ve still managed to remain positive, how the fuck do you do it?
My, what a hip question. The trick is not to take it personally. The Romans were a highly litigious people; you could get arrested for looking the wrong way half the time. As for my reputation, well, I still get the odd joker making comments. “Hey Jesus, wanna borrow my cross trainers” or “Jesus loves you THIS much” with the arms stretched out. It can be a pain sometimes, but you get used to it. All the stories you heard are true, by the way, very few things on this earth suck as much as crucifixion.
How does a high profile dude like you relax? What do you do on the weekends?
Exchanging parables with close friends, maybe some light healing or go for a walk on a nearby lake. If Im feeling rowdy, I like to go kick some moneychanger ass!
Rock on! Are you a fan of our little magazine?
No, I’m not into alternative press. I read the Watchtower. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, I’m only kidding. That’s like the ecclesiastical Enquirer. Actually I’m in the middle of reading the Koran. I like to get other perspectives.
Any leads on the Antichrist yet?
We have a short list, were narrowing it down. Im not supposed to say whom, but its between a certain teenage pop star , and a certain member of the British Royal family. Oh, yes, and Anne Coulter
My money was on Paris Hilton.
We are still looking at Paris, now that you mention it.
So whats in the Son of God’s C.D. collection?
The Carpenters. The Beatles. (All you need is love, after all) Oh, and some Motorhead. One can only listen to so much Amy Grant before it becomes irritating.
Jesus, our readers, and the world want to know. What is your stance on abortion? Euthanasia? Homosexuality? And what is the Meaning of Life?
I’m so glad you asked me that. I think Id finally like to clear the air on this one. I feel, overwhelmingly that the (Cont. on page 181)