A friend of mine recently suggested that in order to get my long departed groove back, I should try writing erotic fiction. I tried, kind of, then gave up, but this got me thinking: What the hell kind of thing is arousing anyway? What qualifies as a fantasy? The results of my bold new genre of truthful erotic fantasies are below. Spoiler: Some of these stories are so arousing, there isn’t any sex in them at all.
He paused the DVD, and rose from the couch.
“Are you getting up to make a sandwich?” she asked, coyly.
“Yes, I am,” he replied.
“Then let me be direct. Instead of eating a portion of your sandwich when you bring it over here, leaving us both unsatisfied, I would like for you to prepare two separate sandwiches, and I will eat one of them,” she said.
Tears of joy trickled down his face, and when he returned, he brought two more sodas as well.
“My place is usually cleaner than this,” he said.
“Oh, not mine. Mine is a disaster. This looks good,” she said.
She knocked on his car window, and he rolled it down.
“Sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I noticed that you were listening to really cool music in your car. and me and my sorority friends would really like to blow you now. Don’t thank us, thank Elvis Costello.”.
“You’re welcome,” said Elvis Costello from the back seat. “None for me, thanks, I’m married.”
The phone rang. He thought he recognized the number, but he risked answering anyway.
“Hello?” he said, tentatively.
“William, it’s your ex, Connie. Listen, before you say anything, I’ve been thinking about it, and I was the one who was wrong. I thought about trying to get you back, but instead, I have just been talking you up to my hotter, younger sister, and she is down…”
She stepped onto the elevator with him, but today, she finally spoke.
“Excuse me, may I just say something?”
“Sure,” he said.
“I was just noticing what a cool way you have of standing in the elevator. You really stand out, with your standing-style. Have you been practicing?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Well, it’s crazy cool. Oh, also, because of the unrehearsed way you flick your sleeve up your wrist when you check the time.”
“Totally unrehearsed,” he said.
“Wicked,” she said, unzipping his pants.
“My parents had a healthy relationship, and I have no apparent mental health issues.” she said. “Including eating disorders, or addictions. I know we all say this, but I actually DO strip to pay for my degree, and I actually DO like you specifically out of all the customers in here. Pick me up tonight, I’m quitting.”
“Look, I don’t expect you to have an opinion about this…” he said, dismissively. This couldn’t possibly be headed anywhere.
“Oh, I’ve got an opinion. Kirk would kick Picard’s ass,” she said.
“I – wait- What? For the first time in my life, let me say this: Please go on, I am interested in your opinion.”
“That’s pretty misogynistic.”
“I really, honestly, really want to have this debate,” he insisted.
“Well, first off, Picard is old, and he has an artificial heart…”
“What should I dress up as for halloween? It’s either Dark Phoenix or X-23.”
“Oh, hey both sound pretty cool,” he said.
“Wait- someone with a skirt, from space,” she said.
“That’s my girl,” he said. “That’s my girl.”
“What do you love about me? Don’t worry, I’m not looking for something specific that you won’t notice so I can hold it against you,” she said.
“Oh,” he said “uh, well, in that case, I love that you are smart.”
“Oh, that’s a lovely compliment, given that you are just slightly smarter than me,” she added.
“I’m going to have a shower,” she said. “And I’m leaving the door unlocked INTENTIONALLY”.
After they finished, the two of them lay there naked.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
“Oh, I, uh, well…” he said.
“Kidding! I’m kidding. I don’t give a fuck. I was just thinking about what the hell gummi bears are made out of.”