Cult Diaries
Posted by RobbieRobTown | Posted in Correctness, Fiction, Writing | Posted on 20-10-2009
Tags: bean curd farts, brainwashing, celery, cult threesomes, cults, fire dancing girls at fringe theatre festivals, giving away all your money, Hippies, hot lesbian action, low protein diets, suspect food not bombs leaders, threesomes, Travel, whores
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June 15:
Those cult guys came around again today. I know they are in a cult because of the nametags, photocopied literature, and matching discount suits from Tip Top. I pretended I wasn’t home. I hate those cult guys.
June 16:
Cult guys are back, they knocked, and knocked, and knocked. They must have waited on the porch for twenty minutes. I think they stole my newspaper. I would never be an asshole like those newspaper thieving cult assholes. Do they know I’m home?
June 17:
Cult guys are back again. If I open the door naked, would they just be all weird and enjoy it? Or rape me? Or, even if I’m not naked. I mean, should I invite them in? They sure are persistent.
June 18:
Okay, I’m thinking of inviting the cult guys in, but not with the house like this, I mean, look at this place?
June 19:
No cult guys today. First day I received newspaper this week. Also, all my mail was open.
June 20th:
This time they sent girls! This might be one of those cults where they try to bait you with the cheap sex. I like the cheap sex, I’m gonna finish cleaning and invite the cult ladies in tomorrow.
June 21:
What sort of appetizers do you serve cult ladies? I guess I’ll put out what I have here.
Wait, have I been out of the house this week? I guess not since the 15th. Do I even have a job? Maybe I should join this cult. Joke’s on them if I do, I rent this apartment.
June 22:
Well, I guess I can have as many kinky threesomes with hot cult chicks as I want as long as I give the Supreme Love Over-Watcher all my money and worldly possessions. Also, I have to eat a diet entirely of celery and bean curd. The diet seems to foster some indifference in the ladies to the threesome thing- Are all threesomes so quiet and bored?
June 23:
Well, The cult ladies came by again today, but I’m a bit full of bean curd and celery to do anything too sexy. We mostly just talked about the splendour of The Supreme Love Over-Watcher.
August 17:
Sorry it’s been a while, I’ve moved to the compound. The girls made me a uniform out of all the newspapers these guys have been liberating for the greater good. I sold my blood to buy a discount suit from tip top, and every day is like a sexy slumber party that smells like celery bean curd fart, and that also isn’t sexy at all.
August 19:
Busy yesterday, cut off my own balls to please The Supreme Love Over-Watcher.
September 19:
Woke up in hospital. Apparently, the bean curd and celery diet made me somewhat anemic, which is only problematic if you do something like cut your own balls off. Evidently I am also allergic to certain types of common antibiotics. I miss The Supreme Love Over-Watcher, I know he’d know just what to say through his discount-suited emissaries.
October 20:
Well, My lawyer helped patch things up with my landlord, and now that I am eating regular food again, I’m having a hard time remembering what I enjoyed about cult life so much.
Oct 21:
It was the threesomes.
Oct 22:
No, maybe it was something about The Supreme Love Over-Watcher. Pass the bean curd please.
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I have a few Mormon friends. A few are disfunctional because of it, yeah. But I couldn’t stomach these pagescrolls of ‘cult cult cult cult’. The superhero tournament and rare funny post isn’t enough to keep me at this boneheaded, rant-stuffed site any longer. Goodbye.
[Reply To This Comment]
RobbieRobTown Reply:
October 24th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I will change the picture! I was thinking more about these Food Not Bombs Guys, or the Realians. Sorry we lost you!
[Reply To This Comment]
RobbieRobTown Reply:
October 24th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
There we go, all fixed!
[Reply To This Comment]
admin_rock Reply:
October 25th, 2009 at 9:42 am
I should also mention that
1) RobbieRobTown was writing some fiction here.
2) Mormons were never actually mentioned in the story, And the picture was only of two guys in shirts and ties, so any Mormon likening is strictly your business. Certainly nothing in the article points to anything I know about them.
3) Sorry to see you go, but lighten the fuck up.
[Reply To This Comment]
FekketCantenel Reply:
October 25th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Several points:
1) Thanks for changing the picture. This article was the straw that broke the camel’s back (I was meaning to leave the site for a while anyway), but thanks all the same.
2) Admin, in the photo, the men were each holding a Book of Mormon – you could clearly read the title.
3) I can take a joke, but I can’t take what looks like an entire page of random garbage being spewed at people I consider my friends. I’m glad the article turned out to not be about that, but that was my reasoning at the time.
4) An admin cussing me out is yet another reason to leave. You should feel ashamed of yourself for cursing at a reader (well, former reader, but still).
RobbieRobTown, I’ll see you around the internet. Time to scoot.
[Reply To This Comment]
admin_rock Reply:
October 25th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Hmmm, for someone who was/is leaving, you’re taking your sweet time.
Look, you’re clearing reading too much in to all this. The story had little to do with the picture, and if any of your friends are actually like the dude in the story, I’m worried.
Seriously :”I was meaning to leave the site for a while anyway”?
We hope our readers are intelligent enough to see that we write a comedy website, that we write what we feel, and that we certainly aren’t going to start editing ourselves, especially concerning Religion.
[Reply To This Comment]
FekketCantenel Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 8:20 am
I just like coming back to this single discussion thread to see what a bad admin looks like. I’ll add ‘mocking someone who disagrees with you’ to the list of things not to repeat on the sites I administrate.
The article relates somewhat to the picture. The first paragraph reads, “I know they are in a cult because of the nametags, photocopied literature, and matching discount suits from Tip Top.” In the picture, I seem to remember nametags, but I could be wrong on that one. They were holding Books of Mormon, which sometimes come with photocopied lit. But the big connection was ‘suits from Tip Top’, since the guys in the photo were wearing suits, too. Considering this was written directly underneath the photo, it looked like an illustration, and I’m glad the author was smart enough to catch it on the second go-around and take it down. Maybe you guys need an editor who will catch things like this before they get posted.
An explanation of “I was meaning to leave anyway”: I use Google Reader and plug about 200 RSS feeds into it, including (previously) the feed for The Correctness. In the past few weeks, other than the Superhero Smackdown (which I only skim, anyway), there was honestly nothing interesting on this site. I had been meaning to unsubscribe from the feed. Google Reader is (last time I checked) the most popular RSS feed reader, so I imagine it’s the medium through which most of your readers monitor your site. I hope it’s helpful for you to know exactly the process that goes on when someone on it decides that your website is boring.
No, my friends aren’t like the people in the satire above. However, they 1) do actually dress in suits every Sunday and 2) noticed this article shoot by over my shoulder and thought I was reading stuff about them being in a cult. Hell, I would have ignored this article bleary-eyed like I do with the rest of this site if their reaction hadn’t made me pay attention.
Heck, yeah, write comedy. But you have to recognize that if a decent portion of your readership is either Mormon or sympathetic to Mormons, an article that seems to call them ‘cult cult cult cultists cult’ isn’t going to fly well. Would you have an article with a picture of a brightly-dressed stereotypical Spanish gay man at the top of the page, but refer to ‘weird people’ instead of ‘gays’, and then refer to him as ‘f** f** f***ot f**’ (asterisks mine) over and over again? How about a photo of a dull-looking child whom you refer to as ‘retard retard retard’? Do you think that would get readers? Do you have an editor anywhere in your process who would look at that and say ‘now hold on’?
Unless you come up with more obvious questions, I think I’m finally done with this discussion thread. RobbieRobTown, again, I respect you for trying, and thanks for your quick response. I hope I see your funnier material around the internet.
[Reply To This Comment]
admin_rock Reply:
October 26th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I think today’s article should make amends for any issues you might have with us.
[Reply To This Comment]
I think she really means it. She’s really leaving this time. For real.
Fekket – get the fuck over yourself. Oh and if you’re going to hang out with Mormon friends, ask them what happened to the first book of Mormon that was lost by Joseph Smith and why he couldn’t just retranslate it, instead choosing to write it from scratch. His benefactor’s wife was the first person with a brain involved in what has become a self-perpetuating scam.
[Reply To This Comment]
FekketCantenel Reply:
October 28th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Don’t worry. You’ll grow up someday.
Anyway, I don’t get any enjoyment out of bullying my friends for believing differently than I do. However, a while back I actually did ask one of them about some oddities in the Book of Mormon (which I’ve since forgotten). They had some interesting answers, though nothing that didn’t feel like just a tiny bit of a cop-out.
[Reply To This Comment]
xorro Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I also am leaving this site.
I am also going to return every day to see how much they are crying about me being gone though.
You are smart.
[Reply To This Comment]
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