From The Correctness,

Some Christmas Haikus

To settle your nerves:

The Mall Santa sighs
In his castle of cardboard
Somebody has peed

San Francisco store
Where you shopped for my present
Clearly you hate me

Girl in the food court
Upspeak in her cell phone
learn to fucking talk.

Oh small child of mine
Here is the Nintendo Wii
I can buy your love.

Cash line is nine deep
I might gnaw off my own leg
Death, bring sweet release.

Not to alarm you
but the Hickory Farms Cart
Just whispered my name

Grey hair, old woman,
If you keep turning your wheel
You will not park straight

This coffee is burnt
by an inexpert new kid
you suck balls, Starbucks.

White Christmas, Again?
Are there no other carols?
Fuck you, Bing Crosby.

Honestly, new clerk,
have you never replaced
thermal receipt tape?

(Note: for scansion, “replaced” is a three syllable word)

This is the perfect
gift for my ex girlfriend, O,
how I want to die.

I was signalling
for that parking space, you ass.
Truck entitlement?

What is the right gift
for my three month old nephew?
Something high contrast?

What do you buy for
the man with everything?
Kitten calendar?