An Open Letter from God to Harold Camping

Memo from: God Almighty

To: Harold Camping

Re: The Rapture

Dear Harold,

Do I go to your crappy radio station and start telling you how to do your job? Then why, Harold, do you insist on telling me how to do mine? I would have thought the whole 1998 incident; or rather non incident would have clued you in that I don’t play that. I didn’t create this world for the sheer joy of wrecking it later. I am not a 6 year old with Legos, Harold…and frankly I’m getting a little tired of this.

How would you like it if I started putting up billboards all over town saying you were going to murder millions of people? How would that make you feel? Or maybe I wouldn’t do that because I’m the creator of the Universe and I DON’T NEED THE MONEY!

That’s right Harold. I’m omnipotent…I know EXACTLY how much you make in donations after one of your little pronouncements. Are you rendering unto Caesar what is his? No? I didn’t think so.

The fact is, I work in mysterious ways, and even if I DO decide to shut the whole thing down, the LAST person I would tell is a crotchety old attention whoring fear mongering fraud like you.

You know what else I saw? The woman who cut her two kids throats with a box cutter because she was convinced the Rapture was coming. I am holding her responsible for that, but I’m also YOU responsible for that, Harold. There’s going to be a Rapture alright. The only one taken up will be you, and you and I are going to have a little chat about this face to face. You might want to bring some burn ointment.

In short, shut your me damned mouth, you idiot. I didn’t create the universe so little bullies like you can go around yipping that it’s coming to an end.

Shape up or else.

G.

P.S. While you are at it lay off the Gays. If I didn’t want them there I wouldn’t have made them that way.

11 Responses to “An Open Letter from God to Harold Camping”

1. Keith says:

   May 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

   Bravo. and bravo on the Lady Gaga ref at the end, didn’t think you had it in you. (if it was unintentional then it’s unconscious plagiarism and you just got George Harrison’ed !)

   My favorite rapture-less Saturday story was the big group of followers in South Africa who racked up $9000 in hotel bills. Which if there had been a rapture would have been stealing since they wouldn’t be around in the morning so not sure how they rationalized that.

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   • Tbinns says:

     May 24, 2011 at 3:16 pm

     @Keith, I was George Harrisoned completely

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2. Ringo says:

   May 24, 2011 at 5:07 pm

   I’ve been Paul McCartneyed my whole career, so I know a thing or two about working with Gawd. IF He let’s you drum on his album He’ll tell ya when he wants His 1-2-3 , 1-2-3 so don’t go guessing or offering or practicing or whatever unless He tells ya !!

   Peace & love,

   ringo

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3. Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

   May 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm

   How dare you write a letter as God!! I am outraged that you would take it this far. After a loyal reader for well over a year, I am truly offended for the first time. I think I can convince at least one other person to leave, which will drop your readership by at least 40% and devastate all 6 dollars of ad revenue you receive each month. In all my years, blah blah blah

   Ok now that we got that post out of the way, we can preempt any others.

   By the way, I love the site. /hug

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   • Tbinns says:

     May 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

     @Maberso (Stats Porn), Your preemptive mock outrage has been noted and appreciated

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     • Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

       May 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

       @Tbinns, one does what one can….

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   • admin_rock says:

     May 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

     @Maberso (Stats Porn), And eerily correct about our ad revenues!

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4. Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

   May 25, 2011 at 6:52 pm

   Thanks for not banning me….

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5. Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

   May 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

   I know this is the wrong place to post this, but I cannot register for the message boards. It never sends me an email.

   Am I missing something?

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   • admin_rock says:

     May 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

     Nah, I’m just learning how to make them work Maberso. Always assume it’s my fault unless I tell you otherwise I’ll check in to it.

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6. Maberso (Stats Porn) says:

   May 30, 2011 at 3:23 pm

   My first forum post will be…

   Things that are Admin Rock’s fault:

   - Forum issues
   - Global Warming
   - World Hunger
   - Hell
   - Terrorism
   - Bad Smells
   - Unemployment
   - Uneven cooking in a microwave
   - Batman & Robin (the movie from 1997)
   - Crying Babies
   - Unethical Treatment of Chickens for KFC
   - Bieber
   - Taint Bleaching
   - Smog
   - Indecency Laws

   Please feel free to add any I may have missed.

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