Dear Non-White-Male correctness reader:
You know, we were having a conversation the other day at The Correctness. A grown up, political conversation about how infuriatingly hard it is to insult white males, because, as the entitled culture of authority and power, nothing really hurts our feelings that much. You can call me a cracker, or greymeat, or gringo, or whatever, but it just doesn’t sting like our bleachy-white and bleachy-caustic lexicon of slurs we have for you folks. At the end of the day, we still have all that annoying capital, and equity, and those reassuring smug savings plans, and reusable grocery bags made of organic cotton that required ten times as much water to grow than pesticidey cotton. We’re a hard target!
But I’ve got one for you: One that you can use on any white dude you see, that will hurt, that will raise eyebrows, that will damage and demean him, and he will have no recourse. Better yet, there is simply no way any white dude in his right mind will ever try to reclaim this word like our black friends have done with the “N” word, and our gay friends have done with the “F” word (No, not “Freddy Mercury” you misguided GLBTQQA BYOB BBQ hostess). No rich white dude will ever give a high five to his golf buddies and call him this word affectionately.
The word you should try using is: Pedophile.
“Pedophile!” you can shout, as you point at any white guy- Especially if he is a parent, and is carting his kids around the park. “Pedophile!” you might scream again, as you stare sternly at him, your accusing glare unblinking.
At best he will manage stammering “I… I, uh, I most certainly, uh, am not!” but more than likely he will waddle away quickly as he tries to gather up his kids in his arms without looking all creepy.
So, for our non-white-male friends, I give you the best future slur for white males: Pedophile.
Ain’t that right, my pedos? (see? “Reclaiming” it sounds awful.)