Here at the Correctness, we are concerned about the recent IKEA ad campaigns, narrated by David Hyde Pierce, in which domestic horrors are narrowly avoided with the thin, calming veneer of Ikea home furnishings. What surprised us even more were some of the rejected scripts.
1. At IKEA, we designed GERDE knives to be extra sharp, so when you are slicing an avocado, you don’t slip and sever a finger, causing you to bleed on the face of your child, causing little Susie to scream “It’s bible camp all over again!” and start convulsing on the floor in a puddle of her own terrified urine while you bleed to death from heavy arterial damage. Sharpness. At IKEA, we thought of that.
2. At IKEA, we made the BLUMPKIN mattress to be extra firm, preventing you from sinking into the middle with your spouse every night, causing her to remark “Would you just stay on your own side of the bed, Bernard? PLEASE?”, causing you to remark “Your fat ass drags me in, Edith, why don’t you lose some goddamn weight?”, which in turn causes Edith to chop off your dick with a GERDE knife. Firmness. At IKEA, we thought of that.
3. At IKEA, we designed GNUTSAKK cabinets to hold the very most food, preventing your drunk husband from coming home and saying “Whycome we’s outta beans, Laureli?”, to which you meekly reply that is was a mistake and it will never happen again, to which he responds with the full conviction of his fists. This prevents him from beating you mercilessly, and stops him from whipping you with his belt while demanding that you strip down and “suck it like a hoover, you stupid crying bitch”. Storage. At IKEA, we thought of that.
Tbinns said on 13-01-2010
I’m not sure urine is capable of the emotional state of being terrified
admin_rock said on 13-01-2010
Clearly you’ve never been bathed in RobbieRobTown’s urine.
I’ve said too much.
Oldtimer said on 14-01-2010
Dazy said on 17-01-2010
uh… START THE CAR! Start the caarrrr???
Karl said on 21-01-2010
I would love to see #2 done on the Moose stage, narrated from the side.