(Note: This is a repost of the original)

I was very pleased to participate in the annual 10 minute Play festival again this weekend with my cohorts from Obscene But Not Heard (We’re a sketch group). In it, we are given a prop, a line of dialogue and from that, we create a 10 minute play, which needs to be written rehearsed, and teched for 7:30 the following evening.

It’s always a bit of a crunch, but it’s also lots of fun. We have produced gems, and some rather painful entries in the past. This year, our line was a Dr. Suess quote “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” and our prop was a clock.

This is what I ended up writing. Seeing as how it will likely never be produced again (for copyright reasons if nothing else) I thought I’d post it.

Enjoy.

Fanboys is exactly the movie I would write…if I was completely ignorant about plot structure, plausibility, character, dialogue, and humour. But I would totally do a ton of Star Wars and Rush jokes.

Where do I start?

Dear Morrigan,

You are a Grade A Bitch.

Arrakis

Dune

Desert planet.

Known for two things over the holidays, 1) having the perfect Mise en Scene for the annual Fremen Nativity Pageant, and 2) some wicked kick ass spice cake. Don’t get us wrong, we are sure your Grandma’s spice cake is pretty damned good, but was it so good that you could actually fold space?

We didn’t think so.

10. Ozzy Osbourne Peppermint Bark at the Moon

9. Susan Boyle- Yule Forget Who I am this Time Next Year

By Tbinns

A short Play for the festive Season

I think cover art is the one single thing I miss most about albums. Nowadays, even if you do but a CD it’s just as likely to be a picture of the artist looking hot/cool/tough etc. When you were first getting into music, don’t you remember pouring over album covers, studying every nuance? Trying to see if it tied in with the album in some thematic way?

Just me?

You were out touching the opposite sex were you?

Fair enough. Me…not so much

So with that in mind here are of 10 Album covers I remember loving as a pre-teen non female touching nerd.

Part 3 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four. Not that it would help salvage two shitty films (I can’t believe they dangled the Silver Surfer in front of me and made me pay to see a second one.), but hey, it’s a start.

a poem by TBinns

You know things have gotten bad when you long for the days of soap on a rope. I mean don’t get us wrong, the Correctness is very pro Christmas. No self respecting adult with the mentality of a 12 year old (which pretty much describes all three of us) would have the temerity to hate Christmas. What we object to is the outer fringe dollar store type ephemera that really draw attention to the fact that the whole thing has gotten waaay out of control. These ten that we present for your edification are but a tip of the giant lumbering iceberg that is Pointless Christmas Shit, and it’s headed right for the S.S. Holiday Spirit.

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

The formula is simple.

The shittier the apartment block is, the more grandly it is named. Thus all the way through downtown Calgary, you’ll find horrid looking apartment blocks that are named after rich peoples summer homes.

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Dear Penthouse,

I calculated the odds of the letters that people write you being true, constructing a formula based on ratio of repeated incidents, and comparitive studies on similarities of writing styles, and divided it by a whole number rounded up, calculated from an overall probabilty factor based on plausibility and came to the conclusion that the letters written in your forum were specious at best, and certainly would never happen to me.

Having just read David Cross’s book “I Drink for a Reason” (which I recommend, by the way) I read that David Cross has a Google alert on his name …

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s down to 8, and out thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

The Correctness would like to take a moment to congratulate Dave, our very own Admin Rock for winning “Best Mosiac” at Brick Con 2009. We’d also like to congratulate him on being a huge fucking nerd. Check out the rest of Dave’s work here at www.brickwares.com

Dear Q107,

I am a big classic rock fan, and I enjoy your station very much…most of the time..I understand you have Canadian content laws, I get it. It helps Canadian artists. I’m all for that.
It is my distinct pleasure to inform you that there are other Canadian artists besides Kim Mitchell. You might have heard of a three piece out of Toronto calling them selves “Rush”. There were these guys called “The Guess Who” who were pretty big for awhile. My friend saw a band called “The Tragically Hip” once, said they were pretty good.

CAPTAIN INERTIA (Worlds of Wonder Comics, 1952)

In the fifties, television became a national craze, and young children would flake out in front of the tube and waste hours in a passive heap. Worlds of Wonder Comics tried to capitalize on this with the introduction of Captain Inertia, the ultimate passive aggressive.

Dear Joe Jackson

If you have indeed seen gorillas walking with pretty women down your street perhaps you should be less concerned about who your ex is dating and more concerned about calling the Animal Control people.

Sincerely,

TBinns

The Disneyfied version of Lois on Family Guy last night was kinda hot. That’s all I have to say on the subject

A Companion Piece for Blackboard Concrete Jungle Minds

Michelangelo used paint and marble. Escher used Pencils. Andy Kaufman used confused looks and a sense of simmering anger. The dad in A Christmas Story used swearing. Cam Ashcroft’s chosen medium is the Facebook Status update. The Correctness proudly presents a brief sample Ashcroftian wit for you to enjoy.

An after dinner aperitif

by Tony Binns

According to the Correctness’s sources scientists have discovered a new species of spider in Malaysia and named it after David Bowie.

Every time I see someone with a bluetooth device in their ear I want to ask them if joining the Borg Collective was a worthwhile career move.

Our contest winner is announced!

The Contest…we had it awhile ago. Remember, the advice thing? Win dinner with the Correctness?

They are making another Big Momma Movie.

Please kill us. We won’t struggle.

The Correctness is proud to present the Comedy Stylings of TK421. Yes, we know, only one guy seems to be laughing, but some people just don’t get the subtlety of a good Bantha joke.

If you are someone who is looking forward to the new Jenna Elfman sit-com Accidentally On Purpose please go fuck yourself. Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Correctness, already in progress…

In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

(The Following was taken off of Superman’s Facebook Page)

Talk about your comeback tours. Even the Stones or Kiss would have trouble after a millennium, but Jesus is back, in a big way.

Very short story by Tbinns

After another analytic check, it seems two very forward thinking people from Idaho have in fact checked out the Correctness.

The Correctness has found a way to take the edge off of a chick flick. You are welcome.

Secret Cupcake Wars aplenty! just click over there!

A quick look at the Correctness analytics reveal we have received hits from every province and every state. Except one.

Idaho.

The story of the historic meeting between Firefly/Stargate Atlantis cutie Jewel Staite and 1/3 of the Correctness

In 1305, Scottish Rebel William Wallace was finally captured by the English, and sent to London for his execution. And although historical records are fuzzy, we are sure he called one of the arresting officers “Sugartits” and went on an antisemitic rant.

E-mail has been around a lot longer than you think. Or at least it has according to our premise. We would appreciate it if you would just kind of go with it.

A very short play by Tbinns

(The following is a true account of Correctness correspondent TBinns and his bride on their honeymoon as they tackle the Met in New York City. Between this and his recent Shakespeare post, we feel he is steering toward real culture instead of pop culture. The Correctness has taken him aside and spoken very sternly to him, and he assured us that he is still working on his 100 page thesis on why Transformers should not have testicles.)

If The Correctness made a movie where Anne Hathaway was under some kind of magic spell where she had to do whatever you told her…It would have gone a lot differently.

oh, so very differently.

It’s time for our very first contest!! How do you enter? Read on!

Please Note: H1 N1 is not an astromech droid from Star Wars. It is in fact a potentially fatal virus, also known as swine flu. It is subsequently a lot less cool than we first thought. We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused with our previous endorsement.

Before you head to the Great White way, be sure to check out The Correctness’s guide to what’s hot, what’s not, and what’s warmish. And what’s hot on the outside, but still frozen in the middle.

Thanks for burning my retinas out with a blinding bright light after I sat in a dark movie theatre for 20 minutes waiting for the movie to start. I believe your commercial might have had a lizard and a phone in it, but I couldnt really tell. The initial blast of light led me to [...]

It’s like the Diary of Anne Frank. But even funnier! Click and see!

It all started out as a bit of fun.

An associate of mine at work sent me this link:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A506648

It details all of the so-called “Paul is Dead Evidence.”

“Boy…that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel” I said, foolishly thinking that would be the end of it

“One of you”, said Inspector Harris to the group that had gathered in the library, “strangled Sir Anthony here in this very room!”

You know, everyone here at the Correctness loves Star Wars. We really really do. But like the Father who is hardest on his most beloved child (at least that’s what my Mom said) we feel the need to share a few….shortcomings. What gives us the right to nitpick? Thousands of dollars we have spent on toys books, re releases, format changes, model kits etc. We aren’t saying George Lucas OWES us anything. But if you spent thousands on ANY product,and lets not kid ourselves, it is PRODUCT at this point, I feel you have the right, once you have purchased said product, to air a few Grievouses. (See what I did there?)

I can tell when a beer is cold by touching it. I don’t need a magic blue mountain to appear to let me know. Feels cold, probably is cold. Thanks anyway though, Coors.

is just a quickie

There was nothing particularly strange about this Thursday morning as Joe Alderaan, a chartered accountant from Newark, downed the last of his coffee and headed out the door to work. At least, not until he got outside, and found a giant mettalic orb filling the sky. Ironically the last thing that went through his mind was

FRIDAY

2:00 P.M.
Fathers Funeral
Catch the 8:15 from Wittenberg for Dads Funeral
REMEMBER!! Send postcard to Ophelia (with words of so sweet breath composed as to make the postcard richer)
12:00 p.m.
Inherit crown, (Huzzah!)
1:00 p.m.
Rule Denmark (Double Huzzah!)
Funeral Speech??
What a grace was seated on this brow,
So long, Dad its my country now! (ha ha.)

Your daily motivational poster from the Correctness. You are welcome.

Approach the Object of your desire and tunelessly state. “Hey, hey, you you”
If she responds with “Get off of my Cloud” she is old enough to date, and also a Stones fan which is a plus.
If she responds with “I don’t like your girlfriend”, she is not only underage, but also an Avril fan. Walk [...]