Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Some things you should know…Heroes can only belong to one team in the tournament, ie: Wolverine can fight for the X-Men or The Avengers, not both. Also the teams will consist of the SPECIFIC heroes we lay out. So when we say “The Avengers” We would say “Consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wasp, and Giant Man.” and we decide that Hulk is Fighting for the Defenders, or that we decide Hawkeye is lame and doesn’t make the cut, so be it. Let’s face it, if we let EVERYONE who has ever been an X-Man fight it would be chaos.

Here are some of the names we are kicking around so far, feel free to make your suggestions below.

The Avengers

The X-Men

The Fantastic Four

The Justice League

The Teen Titans

The Watchmen

The Defenders

Alpha Flight (Canadian, eh?)

The League of Extraordinary Gentleman

The Inhumans

The BRPD

The JSA

And don’t worry…Rob has plenty of epic side battles planned (Muppet Babies vs The Scooby Doo gang, anyone?)

So…who did we miss? Speak now or forever hold your insults.

Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.

So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)

Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.

1) The X-men has sucked since Claremont left.

The X-men comic book began in 1963, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. No finer beginning could one wish for. In 1975, after a number of changes in the creative team, a new X-Men team was introduced, and soon after, the writing job was given to Chris Claremont, who would make the job his own from 1975 until 1991, shortly after the relaunch of the book, arguably at the height of it’s popularity. Since his departure, the X-Men have grown larger and larger, spread over more and more books, and have an endless number of characters with an “X” in the their names.

Nerds will drool over the chance to not only discuss the X-men, but to stick up for their favorite team or character, whom will almost certainly fall out of the Claremont years. If anyone mentions Grant Morrison’s run, you’ll know the argument has gone “full retard”.

2) UFC is the closest thing on TV to gay porn

This one might not get the Nerds as riled up as the the others, but the sheer enjoyment of watching MMA advocates defend their beloved grope-fest is worth it. (ed: We’re not making fun of gay porn here, btw, it serves its purpose to those who enjoy it). Try pointing out things like the graceful way the “top” straddles the “bottom”, how even though they’re sweaty and tired, they still seem so happy, and how there’s less blood than you’d expect.

3) Tech Support workers are overpaid, and useless.

This one is clearly untrue. Most tech support workers make next to nothing, and they do tend to solve your problem for you. The joy in this one is watching those who take their job just a bit too seriously become livid and list out the intricacies of their job in minute detail, as though it were akin to national security. Stoke the fire by asking whether it’s okay to use “password” as your password, and whether you can load itunes at work.

4) The upcoming Avengers movie will suck balls.

You can say things like “The Avengers are a cut rate copy of the Justice League”. A group of superheros from the Marvel universe, The Avengers have been around for a long time. Now, over the course of a few years, Marvel has been introducing them in their own films, with a plan to culminate in an Avengers film. Will it suck balls? Who can say. On one hand, Joss Whedon is signed on to direct. On the other, there are a lot of parts to cover, and the success or failure of the next few movies will affect what’s up on the screen. Bad sign: Edward Norton is out as Bruce Banner. Good sign: Mark Ruffalo will reportedly play Bruce Banner. This one will keep them arguing for days.

5) Harry Potter books are for kids.

Hidden away in the middle of the list, due to being a few years past its prime, the Harry Potter argument will flare up like the Herpes of midwestern co-ed after a year in the “big city”. There will be wailing, disbelief, and the gnashing of teeth. You will be told, in no uncertain terms that “anything that gets kids reading is awesome”, that “they get darker as they go on”. Whatever, you’re not here to make a case for your point, some other nerd in the area will take care of that. The books were too damn long, and poorly written for us to care.

6) William Shatner is fucking awful.

The “nuclear” option, this one should be saved until later in the evening, when your favorite geek is about to snap. He won’t even know how to argue this, he’ll just be in shock that anyone could possibly attack his golden calf. For bonus points, attack Shatner’s recordings, and claim that he’s not relevant.

7) Android Phones are superior to iPhones.

Look, it’s pretty clear from Nerd Fight 1 that Apple fanboys will argue to the death the superiority of their companies goods. It’s also pretty clear that most people will, after purchasing any of these insanely expensive devices, find ways to justify and back the one they got. The important thing here is to keep the argument going when it starts to flag. Throw in comments like “why doesn’t Apple ever have expandable memory on their devices” or “Did you know ‘droid’ is a trademark of Lucasfilm?’ That last one could work as a nice crossover into “Episodes 1-3 were better than 4-6″.

8 ) All Star Batman and Robin is the finest Batman work yet.

Frank Miller went from beloved God of comic fanboys to an outcast after some of his hard right-wing jingoistic comments came to light. But even before that, he started alienating fans by publishing All-Star Batman and Robin, a gritty, in-your-face version of our beloved Bats. This Batman is arguably psychopathic, unbalanced, and dangerous. He essentially kidnaps Robin, forces him to stay in the Batcave without food or heat for days. Meanwhile, he’s out nailing Black Canary near the docks. The infamous phrase “I’m the god-damned Batman” came from the series.

The concept for the character is extremely contentious, and sure to start a Batman jihad, especially if you add some discussion of the recent Batman films in to the mix. Say things like “Miller should be directing the Batman films, then they’d be good”, or “Green Lantern must suck if he can be taken out by paint and a tween”.

9) Kevin Smith hasn’t made a good film.

There’s a ton of potential here, and we’re not just talking about Kevin’s weight! (pow!) There’s a camp of people who believe Kevin Smith can do no wrong. There’s another who see a string of average movies that tend to fizzle at the box office. There’s a third camp that are jealous that he’s living the ultimate fanboy life. Also, there’s a girl’s camp across the lake.

For this one, you’ll need to suss out where everyone stands on the subject early. Then, either bring up box office returns, or maybe Rotten Tomatoes scores to fan the flames. You can also take veiled shots at the films themselves by forgetting their names, and describing them vaguely: “What was that one where the characters talk endlessly about dicks?”

10) Comments on blog for nerds shouldn’t be allowed if they’re only “stupid hate”.

This one will take more work than most of you want to involve yourselves in. You’ll need to start a blog, write a bunch of articles that will draw in fanboys, get some of them linked to fark.com, then, after establishing that you will allow pretty much any comment to go unedited, suddenly announce that you’re annoyed with some of the comments, and claim that you’ll be suppressing any that don’t measure up. Oh, and then don’t suppress any of them. Throw in phrases like “stupid hate” and “cum-eating intern”. This will answer the question “is anybody out there?”. Watch as the argument verges on a free speech issue, while examples of comments previously allowed come to light.

Good news, Correctness readers! We have managed to find an excerpt for the script for part 3 of the Dark Betty Saga: Crisis in Infinite Riverdales, due for Christmas. We had a 45 minute argument in our office about who wrote this script- the names have been surreptitiously removed from the document. What do you guys think? Morrison? Miller? Moore? Dave thought Claremont, at this point, given the X-Men forever storyline, I tend to agree. Possible spoiler alert: It looks like this series will bring the Dark Betty story cycle to its conclusion.

Crisis in Infinite Riverdales: The Dark Betty Saga

Issue 3: Dark Betty Rising DRAFT 2

Page 1:

Ext. Road Night. Instead of a splash page, we begin with a series of smaller panels which reveal the wreckage of Archie’s jalopy from it’s head-on collision with Mr. Weatherbee’s car. In quick succession we see: The two vehicles have fused. Jughead’s hat is in a tree. The last of the steam from the radiator. The cross hatching of the side of Archie’s hair with rivulets of congealing blood. Moose’s legs sticking out from under the back of the car. Veronica is twisted into impossible angles. Shattered glass on a speedometer gauge.

CAPTION:(Archie’s Voice)(over scenes above) : In the beginning, there were three: Bets, Ronnie, and me. One malt with three straws. We were a team. We were a family. We were a family that dated each other. Also, there was that redhead girl sometimes. Basically though, in the beginning, there were three.

Page 2:

Perhaps a few stacked panoramic panels showing the crash site, and then images of Archie, Reggie, Veronica, Moose and Midge gathering themselves, steadying themselves. Archie is dabbing away blood from his face. Veronica looks stunned, she has curled up into a ball.

CAPTION: (Archie’s Voice)Then there was the accident. We were going too fast. We were going to hit Mr. Weatherbee. Bets- Betty- she tried to save us- it’s hard to remember. She – somehow- was she out of the car? Did Betty save us?

ARCHIE
Is everyone okay?

VERONICA
Jesus, my head, my head, I can’t…

REGGIE
I’m fine, I think, we’re all- Betty…

JUGHEAD
What? My God, Arch he’s right.
Something- Betty…

VERONICA
Was she thrown out? Did she fly out
of the car? Oh My God. Betty?

Page 3:

ARCHIE
She was in between the two cars.
Ours and Mr Weatherbee’s. She’s dead.
She’s dead. We saw her die.

Caption: “As we saw last ish- Ed.” Or something. –Ed.

VERONICA
No… No!

REGGIE
He’s Right. Oh Jesus. She tried
To save us. What was she thinking?

A Close up at the place where the two cars have melded into one. A few shreds of Betty’s dress flutter in the breeze. A larger panel, wide, on the whole accident site.

VERONICA
No. No. No.

Jughead
Arch? Is she gone.

PAGE 4:

SPLASH: Surrounded by flames, eldritch plasma, and beams of pure energy, Betty rises into the sky. Beautiful, and terrifying, she is full of a disturbing power and anger. The others look on in abject horror.

CAPTION: (Archie’s Voice)She told me once that she’d always be there for me. I never thought she meant even in death…

ARCHIE
Bets?

VERONICA
Betty? You…

BETTY
Betty has transcended. I am DARK BETTY!

CONT.

Page 5:

Some panoramic panels: A swirling mist surrounds the whole Riverdale gang, and in the blink of an eye, they have all disappear leaving an empty nighttime forest road.

Bottom half of the page: With a sudden “THWUDGE!” The whole gang arrives in a barren astral plane, as the mist they were transported in dissipates around them. A weird orange desert-scape under a sky with 2 moons.

Thwudge? – Ed

Page 6:

Close up on Archie Straining under some effort.

ARCHIE
(thought bubble)
Can’t Move! None of us can!

He looks around to see the others in the same predicament, held motionless my mysterious forces- Except for Betty. She is hovering several feet off the grown surrounded by a greyish flame, casting a strange light on her.

BETTY
I need to speak to you one at a time.
Hope you don’t mind waiting around.

In another panel, Betty gestures towards Veronica. Suddenly, Veronica floats towards Betty- Still frozen, standing, but nonetheless floating inexorably towards Betty.

VERONICA
(Thought Bubble)
My God, Bets, what happened to you?
What happened to us?

BETTY
I can hear you thoughts, Veronica.
What has happened is irrelevant. I died,
I returned, there is much I wish to say.

Page 7:

The others stay frozen, immobile. Veronica settles onto the ground near Betty. A puff of powdery desert sand rises up into the sky.

VERONICA
(tearful, terrified)
Bets? I…

BETTY
(tenderly)
Ronnie, hush.

Betty presses her finger to Veronica’s lips, then gingerly begins running her other hand through Veronica’s hair, petting her in a parental but condescending way.

BETTY
He played us off each other for so long.
We were a game to him. He held you like he
held me. One hand on your cheek, he
called you “little squirrel” too, didn’t he…

VERONICA
I – He, yes… but I thought…

Betty draws the still helpless Veronica closer, and puts her hand on Veronica’s cheek.

BETTY
He shared everything, little
squirrel. When he kissed you-

Veronica is terrified, a close up panel of tears trickling out of the corner of one eye.

VERONICA
Betty, no, please, no…

BETTY
Was it just like this?

Betty closes the last few millimetres, and tenderly kisses Veronica. Veronica struggles, but is still immobile, her only protest a muffled and terrified whimper.

Page 8

Archie struggles in vain against his psychic bonds.

ARCHIE
No!

REGGIE
(with a crazy boner)
Yes!

Betty turns swiftly and is suddenly alight with the same weird rageful flame which we saw a when she first arose from the car wreck. Energy flows from beneath her skin, making her inhuman.

BETTY:
Silence, Reginald! Silence all! You
have tested my limits of my kindness
enough this day!

JUGHEAD:
Bets, where is Mr. Weatherbee?
Our car, we collided, you…

BETTY:
Saved you? Indeed I saved you, for
I was not yet finished with you.
Weatherbee I had no need of. He
Is gone.

JUGHEAD:
You could have saved him!

BETTY:
And I could have let all of
you die in that car wreck , but I chose
to let you live! Do you want to see
Hot Dog again, Jughead?

JUGHEAD
My dog? You wouldn’t…

BETTY
Then enough of your mewling, Forsythe
Pendleton Jones III, you miserable
cholesterol junkie!

Page 9

Suddenly two diner style tables appear in the middle of the waste in a flash an a puff or eldritch force. Using her strange new abilities alone, Betty hurls Veronica hard into a chair at one of the tables. Veronica tumbles over the back of the chair, and drags herself to her feet, Her dress is a shambles, a sexy, sexy shambles.

ARCHIE:
Why are you doing this, Betty?

Betty calmly makes her way over to the second table and sits down in a chair. Her strange garb transforms itself into a 1950’s ensemble. With the slightest motion of her hand, a malt appears at each table, and in each malt, 2 straws. The desert plain is balance. On either side of the frozen Riverdale gang are 2 tables. At one table a helpless Veronica is seated. At the other table is Betty.

BETTY
The time has come to choose, Archiekins.
Choose one of us.

ARCHIE
Betty, why-

BETTY
Try not to forget how I saved your life.
Your precious Veronica may have been able
to afford healing factor and an
Adamantium skeleton, but you, Archie
Andrews, are as frail and human as ever.
Choose.

Page 10

And that’s all of the excerpt we could get on hands on folks. What do you think?

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The second Semi-Final: Doom vs Mystique. Steel vs Blue thing.

TONY

Let’s play a game.

This game is called “How long can Mystique stay alive before Doom completely and utterly destroys her?”

I suppose she could hide in the audience and he’d have to play Where’s Waldo for awhile, but something tells me he’d just sit cross legged, mutter a few incantations and the next thing you know she’d be all highlighted like an item you need to pick up in a video game. And then he would completely and utterly destroy her. And even if he didn’t do that, he’d just eliminate the crowd from the equation…and completely and utterly destroy them all.

She could show up as Squirrel Girl and fill him with terror…

but when the Squirrels didn’t actually show up…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Assassin tricks? Poison his ridiculously over sized golden goblet? He didn’t get to be the Ruler of Latveria by being an idiot, he’s not just going to drink things willy nilly plus he probably has tasters. And, being all unpoisoned…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Having said that…I think Mystique will still be alive at the end of this.

Doom knows the value of somebody with her talents. He knows who he is up against next round, and he knows the history. I think he would offer her a chance to surrender, provided she did him a few small favours, ie: Tell everything she knows about Magneto. Be his person on the inside. He would probably even offer her some side work…

I think Raven has Daddy issues and might even be swayed by a powerful older man with European charm…it has happened before…but would she betray Magneto?

Perhaps not…but I believe she would at least play it cool and agree to the terms until she could think of something better.

So here’s how I see it going down…Doom and Mystique come to terms before the fight, perhaps when he catches her trying to assassinate him beforehand. The day of the fight, they put on a show, (But not too much of one, everyone knows she is overmatched here) and he appears to completely disintegrate her. What he has really done is transported her to and undisclosed location.

And now…she has some thinking to do.

But both officially, and in a larger sense, the winner here is

DOOM

DAVE:

So, I know what you’re thinking: How could this mismatch possibly happen? And I have an answer: It just did. Real life brackets have mismatches too, so enough with the whining and moaning about how it’s fixed, or that we planned for a specific outcome. We didn’t. That would be boring. Blame the comic book writers for having wild varying levels between their villains, I guess. The whole exercise is to have fun and make assumption as to what would happen in these imaginary battles.

On to the match.

Mystique is a cunning strategist who generally uses surprise and her shape-shifting abilities to make events go the way she needs them to. She’s held her own for decades, and always manages to come out on top, or at least get away in the nick of time. She’s been the leader of a number of teams, and those teams have beaten the X-Men, which is not an easy task, as there’s like 87 of them at any given moment, 6 of whom are Wolverine. She was also played by Rebecca Romijn, which is awesome. She has a scaly blue rack, which is less awesome, unless you’re into that, or maybe you have an Avatar fetish or something.

Doctor Doom is a friggin genius, almost rivaling Reed Richards. He built a time machine. He’s the leader of a nation, has a army of lifelike robots that he built himself, and oh, he built a TIME MACHINE. He could use this time machine to ensure a win, but he wouldn’t need to, nor stoop to that. Because he could beat Mystique without anywhere near that much effort. This is a man who fought his way through time and space, can change bodies with people through eye contact, and has a healing factor. Wait, no, he doesn’t have a healing factor. He’s, in fact, only one of 4 people in the Marvel universe that doesn’t have a healing factor.

Doom is used to taking on the entire Fantastic Four, all of whom have epic powers, except Reed Richards, who isn’t that cool, but he’s really smart, so there’s that. But if he can take on a guy who can burn as hot as the sun, a giant rock monster who can lift trucks for fun, and a successful modern woman who can turn invisible and make air bubbles around your head, and shields and such, as well as stretchy guy, AT THE SAME TIME, what makes anyone think he’d have the slightest amount of trouble with face-changy lady.

There’s only one person Mystique could become that would even momentarily distract him: His mother. Doing this would only enrage Doom further, ensuring that rather than just killing her, he’d remove any molecular trace of her from existence. Over in one.

Winner: Doom

Rob:

Unlike our villains today, I was created long after the Silver Age of comics sometime in the late seventies. This is known to comic book aficionados as “The Brown Age” of comics, due partially to the tint the paper of the books took on after sitting in a tree fort for years, but primarily due to the quality of the writing.

Because of my extensive experience reading weathered, dog-eared and tragic copies of Conan and, to a much lesser extent, Kull, I may have a key insight into which of these two villains, Mystique or Dr. Doom, shall win this fight today. The fight will be determined by one of the fundamental laws of science fiction narrative. Allow me to continue this line of thinking, no I insist, please, after you:

Along with all the warrior nonsense like Conan, and books like the EC comics (God, how I miss EC), I sometimes wish I had been reading Heavy Metal during the halcyon days of my youth, not as much for the boobies as for the awesome pulp-fantasy aesthetic. This aesthetic, both narrative and visual, still utterly defines my sense of what “awesome” is.- Oh, and by “halcyon days” I mean medically tranquilized, but that is a story for another time, and those records are from when I was a minor.

Regardless of my drooling, reading fantasy comic books was secondary to my efforts to read every science fiction and fantasy novel ever published. I can assure you, I read some pulp shit that would make your eyes bleed, it was so goddamn pulpy. The pulp was so pulpy it was actually abrasive and could dissolve your flesh.  I swear to you, I can still smell a terrible novel (remember that smell?). It didn’t matter to me how good the story was, it only mattered to me that somehow, in my young brain, I began to associate certain concepts directly with the concepts of “funny” and “awesome”. Pulpy concepts about lasers, magic, and the occult…

A Brief Departure:

Requiem for Fur-Bikini-Clad Warrior Lady: A Haiku

Dinosaur riding,

you have lasers and a sword.

Will you marry me?

The books, and comics,  influenced by Robert E Howard and the other pulp masters were all subject to the same basic rule- a rule invented by a man who I was as yet to discover in my childhood. All of this terrifying junk I was reading (and by “terrifying” I am referring again to the aesthetic, both visually and textually) was so hilar-awesome it eventually led me to the darkest, scariest, pulpiest corner of literature: HP Lovecraft.

Lovecraft is an appalling author. Just the goddamn worst. Reading Lovecraft is like wading through a murky bog, discovering the tomb of Edgar Allan Poe, getting inside, and dry humping his fetid corpse.  I love/hate Lovecraft so much that I need counseling just to comprehend the conceptual contradictions inherent to my feelings about his writing. He is the mighty nexus of funny and awesome, lacking only the presence of scantily-clad female characters in his greatest works. What is essential here is that Lovecraft taught me something of vital importance to our fight today:

People who tangle with the occult either become frighteningly powerful, or go completely mad.

Lovecraft doesn’t just mean “booga booga” crazy, he means existential crisis, feces throwing, gouge-out-you-own-eyes crazy. The things that have been seen by the hapless protagonists of Lovecraft’s longwinded shitscapades are so mind-bogglingly nightmarish, so demoralizing, so utterly incomprehensible by the feeble human brain, that they cannot be unseen for all eternity.  Once you have laid eyes on the decadent ruins of the cities of the Great Old Ones, ones you have smelled the salt air and decay, once you have summoned the Cthulhu from their slumbers in R’Lyeh, you are hooped nine ways from Friday, mind-wise.  This is the Law of Lovecraft: Some sights and sounds can shatter your reality in an instant, and obliterate your precious sanity forever.  The Law of Lovecraft is a vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella that covers all science fiction, fantasy, and occult narrative, like some kind of vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella. Batman created the “Batman of Zur-Enh-Arrh” alternate personality specifically to deal with sanity damaging experiences like those governed by Lovecraft’s Law.

Mystique simply does not have a chance, because Doom has meddled with things beyond our world and beyond her conception. The revelation through a cracked mirror of just one glimpse of the occult universe that Doom has seen would make the shapeshifing Mystique seek refuge the form of something innocent and harmless forever.  Doom has seen these horrors, he does not fear them; He is a sorcerer and alchemist of the great weird beyond. Stan Lee said so.

Doom would step into the arena, and show Mystique a glimpse of an existence beyond her meta-human comprehension. Mystique, guised in the only form she could think of that would guard her ravaged psyche from complete annihilation, would become Hello Kitty.  The last sight she would see, as she sobbed giant, anime tears into an ever growing lake of her own destruction, is the masked face of Doom and his gloved hand pointing at her as the sound of his hideous laughter echoes into eternity.

Winner: Doom

Loser: Hello Kitty

Biggest Loser: Me for reading all that Piers Anthony

Decision: Doom

So Doom moves on to the final to face Magneto in a smackdown for mastery of the Supervillain Title!
Tune in Next Week! Tell us we’re wrong and unfunny below!

(Note: This is a repost of the original article).

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The First Quarter Final: Joker vs Magneto for a spot in the finals.

Tony

JOKER: Your powers are very impressive. You put the “Neato” in Magneto. Do you have to really concentrate to do all that stuff? You must have picked that up from concentration camp when you were a kid! HA HA HA HA ! Oh it was a long way to get there but totally worth it! HA HA HA HA!!!

There are two types of “Overpowering” in the comic book universe. One way of doing it is to infinitely expand existing powers to the point of ridiculousness. The other is to take someone with NO discernable powers and to amp up their ingenuity to the point where if you try hard enough, you can justify anything for them, even beating the guy with the amped up powers.

And the patron Saints of both schools of thought are battling it out this week. Joker vs. Magneto. On paper it’s a no brainer, Magneto has Godlike powers, the Joker has a sick sense of humor and pithy one liners. But that pesky power of Dues ex rears its ugly head and suddenly it’s not so easy.

So let’s try and postulate ways in which the Joker MIGHT squeak out a victory and go from there.

He could kidnap and utilize Leech, thus rendering Magneto powerless. A shot of Joker venom and Magneto smiles for the first and last time in his life. But my familiarity with Leech is limited to X-men 3 and something tells me that Magneto has already dealt with that problem at least once, and knows how to get around it.

He could with his connections and brilliance tamper with Magneto’s helmet. Maybe a small needle tucked inside delivering venom right into Magneto’s neck. But I somehow doubt Magneto just leaves the thing lying around. Still, let’s call that a maybe.

Joker’s goons have clay guns and bullets and take shots at him from the stands. But even though he can’t control the bullets I believe he can still repel them with his force field.

The more I think about this, the more I think there’s just no way the Joker can get him. So I am giving this to Magneto…with the caveat that the Joker pulls out his greatest trick and escapes alive and pissed off, and Magneto better watch his back.

Winner: Magneto

Dave:

The hardest part of the Supervillain Smackdown thus far is fact that there are not enough interesting villains at the same power available. Often there are are questions like “Why No Galactus?” (Answer: DUH!). There are, of course, different levels of power, and you can’t put Darkseid up against Catwoman. To make separate brackets creates a time issue, as having 3 brackets with say 8 villains would consume most of the year. (Not to say we won’t do another power level bracket in the future). So we brainstormed, argued about which villains would fit within the parameters. We did NOT, as the pundits would tell you, set up a specific showdown, or “write” the final. We don’t work that way. As there are three of us each weigh in without discussion, it simply doesn’t happen. And it would be boring as hell. Why the hell would we want to do that? Where’s the fun in that?

The best part is the discussion that the smackdowns create. Whether it’s here or on other forums around the web, the joy is in considering the possibilities, finding loopholes, and arguing your point. That’s the main reason that we post pretty much every comment we get, regardless of whether it agrees with us or not. (We filter out the spam, the obvious threadjack/ linkjack attempts, and comments that don’t actually say ANYTHING.)

My problem with this week’s smackdown is that we keep running up against the rampant overpower issue. It’s ironic, as most fanboys assume that DC is the overpowered universe, that their characters are all Gods, etc. But when you look at the Marvel side of things, it’s really just as bad. And the longer characters are around, the worse it gets. Marvel made a big mistake a while back in giving everyone (Wolverine aside) a healing factor. Seriously, nearly everyone has one. It’s their way of saying “this is how people can take the punishment they’re given and come back for more.” But for me, that’s too much overexplaining. They’re heroes and villains. They’re mightier than us. ‘Nuff said.

But the result is you get a character like Magneto, who originally was simply able to use magnetism to his advantage, and you build that into a guy who can mess up everything in the universe, pull a giant space bullet off course, and create wormholes.

Joker, on the other hand, is still pretty much an average guy who excels in creating disorder and chaos. To be fair, whatever hoops we jump through to create a scenario in which Joker gains the upper hand are false at best. Because the image in my mind is Magneto getting tired of the fight, thinking hard and taking apart the entire stadium in seconds, and inserting pieces of it in Joker’s brain, all while raising himself into the air. Joker doesn’t have the knowledge of Magneto’s family to use against him, (arguable whether that would even work), Magneto wouldn’t be impressed by anything the Joker’s done, or could do in terms of evil (wouldn’t be shocked if Joker killed everyone at the contest), and considers Joker to be a lesser life form, as he’s not a mutant. So most of Joker’s planning/tactics would be ineffective.

Also, Joker is probably bored by this time, and wishing he could get back to what he does best, messing with Batman’s head. Joker isn’t in it for the money, the glory, or the power. He’s just a hyper-intelligent crazy dude who is obsessed with Batman.

So, any way we slice this one,

Winner: Magneto

Rob:

Errrrrrrmmmmm, so, we’ve been living with the regret of underestimating Batman and his cleverness during the Superhero Smackdown. And logically, we felt, we’ve been treating The Joker as the Batman of Villains. Meanwhile, Magneto is pretty kickass, and has a cool hat, that’s tough to argue.

Maybe the argument we haven’t explored is that these villains are flawed. They are flawed so that no matter how well matched they are against our heroes, our heroes are just a notch better.

So: who is more flawed, The Joker, or Magneto?

Well, The Joker is batshit crazy, no pun intended. I have had the unique fortune of seeing a few real life psychotic episodes, and most really genuinely crazy folk are actually not the best planners. I know, I know, The Joker is special. He’s clinical! A serial killer! A sociopath(technically, unless you think his crazy is more genetic and less environmental- my research suggests a lot of it was environmental…) ! Look, crazy people don’t plan well, and they quite often have entirely revisionist understandings of how they ended up in their current situations, weaving contrary, illogical and likely primarily false narratives about their role in their own lives. Real crazy, “Joker crazy”, is only functional, clever and brilliant for a small percentage of the time, and the rest of the time, it’s telling you why it’s your fault they are up a tree on a wednesday night at 2am when you have to work the next morning, and they just keep screaming and kicking you, and kicking you, and kicking you.

Magneto, on the other hand, is less like crazy, and more like a patriot. A mutant nationalist, or, a religious leader. He simply believes with a stern faith that he is correct. Does that make him crazy? Well, you could argue that. I mean, faith can lead people to do crazy things, like rape 200 deaf boys and be protected by the future pope because it might look bad if people talked about it, but I digress.

Magneto is less likely to make a mistake in the heat of the moment than the Joker is- Both of these villains can scheme away for eternity, but The Joker is unstable enough to lose out eventually. Batman just locked up the Joker when the Joker had cracked for the umpteenth time, but Magneto could and would crush Arkham in around the Joker. Plus, Magneto has a cool hat. Cool hat!

Winner: Magneto

Runner up: Cool Hats!

Decision: Magneto

So Magneto moves on the final, to face either Mystique or Doctor Doom, who square off next week. Weigh in below, True Believers.

(the following comments were posted on the original article)

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n8 said on 09-04-2010
n8

As much as I love Mr. J, there’s just no other way this could’ve come out. I think Dave pretty well nailed it: the Joker is a good foil for Batman because Mr. J specializes in playing on Batman’s particular weaknesses: Batman is a defender and has a very strict code that he follows. Joker pits the one against the other and gets his kicks from Batman’s cognitive dissonance.
Magneto simply doesn’t suffer from those weaknesses… overpoweredness aside, he’s very straightforward about what he wants and what he’s willing to do to see that it happens. He’s willing to inflict collateral damage and burn assets as needed. He basically has nothing for the Joker to work with.
The ensuing magnetically-inflicted death is secondary… Joker’s defeat is mainly a matter of being too specialized to deal with anyone other than a white knight (or a Dark one.)
Reply

Ace amongst Aces said on 09-04-2010
Ace amongst Aces

Magneto walks into the arena to see the Joker across the field holding a metal sphere with a giant “!” painted on it. Magneto perceiving an obvious threat and confident of his eventual victory decides to crush the sphere and then give the Joker his “What now, biatch?” glance that he practiced the night before.

The sphere is a sub-critical mass of a fissionable material.

Many miles away the Joker lounges on a chair, umbrella drink in hand wearing SPF Infinity and thick darkened goggles. When he finally sees the flash and feels the shock-wave, he quietly muses to himself.

“Finally a battle that is assured to have glowing reviews.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

spcMike said on 09-04-2010
spcMike

I just tried searching Wikipedia for “Marvel characters with a healing factor” and my computer exploded. And really, it is ridiculous, although to be fair the Joker was shot in the head and seems to be doing just fine.

I tried really hard to think of some way for Joker to beat Magneto and about the only way I could think of would be if Joker could trick Mr. Mxyzptlk’s powers again and then turning Magneto into just a giant magnet then the Joker keeps throwing his razor sharp cards at Magneto.

I’m sure you guys would’ve thought about this as well if you weren’t too busy violating your mothers in ways only Newfoundland sheep could understand.

Joker said on 09-04-2010
Joker

While i dont find this to be exactly wrong, there is one thing you didnt consider, the Joker beat superman in one of the comics by Jim Lee, he had prep time and made something that superman could not escape fast enough to catch him, thus he was able to overcome a vast power difference.

With no prep time, its a hands down Mag’s, but given some time, even 1 day, it isnt so clear cut, and i think the Joker would win, if nothing else, Mag’s is predictable, Joker isnt, well that and of the two of them, joker is the one that wouldnt have any issues with setting off 1000 nukes 1/4 mile away, even if it also killed him.

Tomass said on 10-04-2010
Tomass

It’s been proven that Magneto can survive a nuke.
Reply

Tomass said on 09-04-2010
Tomass

Ya even Aquaman & Robin would have a hard time vs. Magneto. I mean they’d win of course, but it would be touch and go for a little while.

You know the Joker could have won this, if he used the strategy that Aquaman & Robin would have used… he could have slipped Ipecac or a high power laxative into Magneto’s pre-fight sip of water (or power/gator aid). Because I mean come on, all good athletes know that you need to stay hydrated, and of course Magneto would have had a quick sip before the show.

You can’t fight when all you can do is poop (or barf).

Or alternately Joker could have laced his food with codeine for the 2 days prior and then it becomes “you can’t fight if you can’t poop.”

Really in hind sight, for the most part, you fine correctness gents are just not thinking like SUPER Villains. Hells you’re not even really thinking like regular villains. Fuck lets just say it! You’re not even thinking the modicum of evil, like Snidely Whiplash kind of evil. I mean tie some one to a train track (for no reason) at least.

Where are the death rays? Where are the eviscerations? Where is the over abundance of evil laughter (Joker excluded)? Where are the grand evil master plan reveals, only to be overturned by the opponents grander eviler master plan reveals? These are bad people. And they know they’re not just toying with there normal “do gooders”. This is life and death against assholes who are just as horribly fucked-up as they are.

True Magneto is pretty straight laced and would be all about just building a super canon and killing all of his opponents in one shot (thus some how ensuring Mutant supremacy over all the earth). And less about making a giant mutant octopus-cat that would savagely rape his opponents to death. But the point is he’s a super villain and all comic book “Evil” or “Super Villains” share a common thread… Grandiose, mundane or even totally nonsensical goals thru only the most violent, extreme, and/or convoluted means possible.

Take the Joker Type for example. They don’t just rob a bank by going in killing all the employees and taking the money (just to be rich). No! They hire a pile of expendable goons, rent or steal a bus, slowly kill off there own goons, take the money out of the bank by bus (backed trough the front door), and out into a perfectly timed mass field trip line of busses (that possibly they organized). Why not just kill the people in the bank and walk out rich… Because it’s not Super Villain evil!

Or Ozymandias, did he really, really need to build a massive Egyptian style complex complete with a genetically engineered cat on the edge of a glacier and wipe out a big chunk of New York in order to stop Mutually Assured Destruction? I would argue no, but that is why I’m not a super villain.

Or did Marvel / 20th Century Fox really need to totally rewrite the Wolverine origin story? Did they need to totally fuck up Dead Pool? Was there not enough source material to make a good movie? Of course there was! But when you’re a super villain you don’t just make a good movie and profit. You make a seething pile of shit! You waste countless man hours, producing it, having actors learn your pages & pages of trite dialogue and market and hype it. All for the ultimate waste, have people pay you mass amounts of money to waste their time watching it… then you profit. That’s evil!

I could go on but I have to go feed my monkey now.

spcMike said on 09-04-2010
spcMike

Bra-fucking-vo.

RobbieRobTown said on 09-04-2010
RobbieRobTown

Sorry, I was just talking to my mother, could you guys repeat that?

Tomass said on 10-04-2010
Tomass

Monkeys or Pygmy Marmosets?

Chico said on 09-04-2010
Chico

Yes, it’s absurd. Likewise absurd to somehow twist it around into making some cheap shot joke about “religious” people which always somehow means Christians, and in this case Catholics. The children that were abused are not some cheap punchline just so you can show how “enlightened” you are and not akin to crazy people who are…people of faith.

It’s a tragedy and they should be rooted out, just like the institutional child rape in Muslim countries and genital mutilation of little girls should be rooted out — but when talking about “religion,” somehow it’s only ever one religion you’re talking about. (Scientology would also fit the bill.)

And before people get upset that I’d bring it up, if you post that kind of thing in a story on COMICS, you’re going to get responses like this — and few as well reasoned.

In any case, the Joker would be turned inside out by Magneto. It’s Bambi vs. Godzilla.

The Senator said on 09-04-2010
The Senator

I dunno about this one. The Joker employs plenty of weaponized gases in his arsenal, and he’s good with improvized weapons (like for instance 2×4s or shards of glass). Further, Magneto’s main foils are the x-men, who (at least not until VERY recently) are pretty much boy scouts. In a Joker / Magneto fight, I would see Joker getting ahold of some vial of the Legacy virus before the match or something, ticking Magneto off with a war of words and enraging him to the point of lashing out with a girder or something, and when Joker is all banged up on the ground, Magneto walks up to deliver the finishing blow and stops to say something grandiose about how much superior mutants are when out of nowhere Joker squirts him with his laughing gas/legacy virus combo and stabs him with repeatedly with a shard of glass. I would give it to Joker. Magneto is too BORING to win…

Random Guy said on 09-04-2010
Random Guy

People come up with all these ways that Joker could possibly beat Magneto. But sadly they don’t seem to realize there is simply no way for him to do it.

If Joker doesn’t show up IN the stadium then he forfeits.

If he does show up then this is how it goes… Match starts, Magneto, expecting deception, destroys EVERYTHING in the stadium but himself, which takes about 1 second. He wins.

There is no screwing with his head, no putting in a fake. NOTHING. Magneto is simply so overpowered in this situation that if he wants to win he does so, virtually instantly.

John Stephens said on 09-04-2010
John Stephens

I’ll take the Joker’s side since no one else wants to. What the Joker does best is really mess with people’s heads. What would REALLY get under Magneto’s skin? Well, he considers himself a defender of mutants, so being manipulated into harming one of his own kind would do it.

So here’s what happens. During the prep time, the Joker kidnaps and drugs/hypnotizes some mutant into believing that he is in fact the Joker. On fight day, Mr. J slips the ringer into the locker room in his place, and sneaks off to watch the fun from a safe distance. Magneto whacks the fake Joker, realizes too late he’s been had, and we get a classic full page “NOOOOOO!”

It’s all about how you DEFINE victory!

chuckus said on 10-04-2010
chuckus

Joker can’t win. The best he can do is a stalemate. his goal is to mess with the opponents head not kill them.

He’d probably manufacture a chemical and bio agent that will instantly kill a mutant but not a “regular” human. Through diabolical joker scheming infect every mutant EXCEPT for magneto. The trigger is Joker being killed.

In a witty showdown after getting his ass beat, inform magneto of his choice. Win and be responsible for the mutant holocaust or sacrifice himself for the good of all mutant kind.

Cut to close up of joker laughing and display “to be continued”.

the7dead said on 10-04-2010
the7dead

Wow, that’s the best scenario about the joker winning I’ve read about so far. You nailed it. Jeesus you must be a comic book writer!

Absolute Dave said on 10-04-2010
Absolute Dave

Prep time is all the joker needs, hes absolutly mad but brilliant about it so he has somehow killed a scientist that invented a device the size of a PDA with a little antena with a ball on the end and a couple rings in the middle that repulses anything that could be magneticly affected away from his person and as we are playing by comic book rules it works perfectly and has no set limitation.

Magneto however can control anything that could be magneticly charged and there is nowhere on earth without good ol’ iron so he could do make the particles of iron beneath jokers feet shoot through him like a trillion bullets or rip the iron right out of jokers blood stream or turn the stadium into a giant anvil to drop on jokers head.

Anything magento tries to do to joker or throws at joker simply doesnt work with jokers fancy pants repulsion palm pilot so Mags encases joker in an iron sphere the size of Manhatten and tosses it into space into a worm hole hes created to some incredibly distant galaxy or other dimension and noone gets to hear joker laugh away his last gasped breaths.

Magneto could never have lost.

Prodigal Sorceror said on 10-04-2010
Prodigal Sorceror

Of course Magneto wins, but there’s no way he’d walk away clean. A major factor you’ve overlooked is that in his mania the Joker doesn’t fear death, but lives to torture, not just kill his opponents. While Magneto’s power and intelligence, and increasingly insane arsenal of resources give him an insurmountable advantage over the Joker, I’m sure the laughing schemer would somehow arrange the death of Magneto’s son, Quicksilver, and the torture and gross disfigurement of his daughter Scarlet Witch a la Lavinia in Shakespeare’s bloodiest, Titus Andronicus. Five to one the atrocities committed against Magneto’s family would be done in a way that they were triggered by Magneto’s own hand. So yes, the Joker dies, but he was having too much fun to worry about survival anyway, such is life for a madman.

Adikt said on 12-04-2010
Adikt

Should have been Sinestro v/s Joker.

Been busy with school, actually forgot about this stuff somehow. Anyway, I put the reasons why Sinestro would have beat Magneto in the comment section for that fight.

Joker would still have lost. And Doom will win overall. He’s the only one with control over magic, like he even needs it.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Sinestro vs Magneto. For our purposes, Sinestro has yet to become some weird White Lantern, and Magneto is his normal self, but speaks in Ian McKellan’s voice, cuz that’s pretty badass.

DAVE:

When I considered this battle in my head, there was no possible way that the winner could be anyone but Sinestro. He has one of them there power rings, and they can do pretty much anything. In fact, as Yellow Lanterns use Fear as a weapon, I had constructed a scenario in which Sinestro uses Magneto’s memories of the concentration camps, in addition to Magneto’s fear of becoming irrelevant within the mutant community. This results in an easy win for Sinestro.

But then I started thinking about Magneto. In addition to being able to control magnetic fields, and therefore anything with metallic content, he can also create an almost impenetrable field around himself, and (this is becoming a weekly thing, where I educate our readers) can create a wormhole. Really Marvel? A wormhole. And yet, people can’t stop babbling about how overpowered DC is, Marvel has every single character all healing factored up, and able to create wormholes.

So, here it is. Sinestro attacks, Magneto shells up. Sinestro continues to attack, using fear and giant yellow hammers. Magneto uses various parts of the stadium to bounce off of Sinestro’s sheild. This goes on for a while. Magneto figures out the frequency of the Yellow Ring’s power, and dissipates it for a moment, and grabs the iron content in Sinestro’s blood, draining him instantly. Or (for those of you who claim his alien blood is non-ferrous, he bounces an i-beam off Sinestro’s head.) A third option is to dissolve the electromagnetic force holding Sinestro’s protons to his electrons (Really Marvel?).

Any way we slice this thing, a fancy power ring can’t beat almost 50 years of retconning.

Winnner: Magneto

Tony

Ugh. This one makes my head hurt.

There are so many “Ifs” in play here that as of right now, I have no idea who my choice is going to be.

Let’s just count the ways this can go together, shall we?

IF Sinestro’s ring is in the least bit ferrous, Magneto immediately crushes it, along with Sinestro’s finger. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth follows. Magneto makes fun of the size of his head.

Winner :Magneto.

IF it is not ferrous in any way, Sinestro can easily get the drop on Magneto. It takes awhile to bring a building down on someone, or at least it takes more time than it takes to point your fist at someone and think about crushing them with the power of a nice festive Easter yellow.

Winner: Sinestro

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact a MENTAL power, and I think it can be argued that it is, seeing as how it is fueled by a mental state of being…would Magneto’s helmet protect him from said power? IF yes, than Sinestro is once again screwed.

Winner: Magneto

IF Sinestro’s power is in fact just a manipulation of the light spectrum, and not based on a mental attack, then there is NOTHING Magneto can do to stop it. He has shields to block many kinds of attacks, but to actually stop LIGHT from getting in? I don’t think so.

Winner : Sinestro

IF Magneto is in fact the master of all metal, as he’s sometimes known, it wouldn’t matter if the ring was ferrous or not. Some of my research claims Magneto has dominion over every single metal in the known universe. Scenario one happens, crushed finger. Or he just pulls the ring right off Sinestro’s finger. You want to generate some fear? Give a power ring to Magneto and watch the audience shit itself.

Winner Magneto

IF the ring runs on fear, all Sinestro has to do it throw a fright into the crowd, and he will have a TON of energy to run off of. Possibly enough to overcome ANYTHING Magneto can throw at him…

Winner: Sinestro

IF the ring recharges by battling the green spectrum, all Magneto has to do is go on the offensive and wait him out. Magneto can throw a lot of shit his way to keep Sinestro trying to save his own ass until he runs out of juice, then moves in for the kill.

Winner Magneto

Apparently both of these guys have been known to GO BACK IN TIME. IF they chase each other through the ages trying to find the other guy in the crib and kill him, only to be foiled by the other guy and forced to go back even further to kill off a relative. Sinestro gets the drop on Magneto, when Erik takes a quick break from the battle to try and kill Hitler. I guess. No,not really.

Winner: I haven’t got a fucking clue.

So you see the dilemma I’m in here. This is predicated on a whole lot of very debatable “ifs”

So here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to pause and count the scenarios up there and see who ends up winning more….Apparently Magneto does 4-3.

I’m going to take a deep breath then and give this one to Magneto. However this is SO close that if anybody can present me with a good argument for Sinestro, I’m fully prepared to flip flop on this.

Winner: Magneto

ROB:

Ahh, okay nerds. Out of my depth. Fortunately, I trust my fellow Correctness pals to bury my opinion at the bottom of the article. If for any reason my article remains near the top, you can be sure it is because Dave or Tony didn’t read my post.

Those of you who read our Superhero Smackdowns might recall an incident in which, because of my limited expertise, I went on, what I felt at the time was, a long comic ramble. Many of you fine people then accused me of betraying the only series of articles which drew hits to our website. Many of you accused me of “phoning it in”. Some of you said that my comments were purposeless and largely antithetical to the concepts of comedy in general. Far be it from me to get defensive because we run a comedy blog, and we simply do not claim to be expert, and that the purpose of these smackdowns is to foster an amusing debate, and not to be some kind of authoritative canonical resource for you to rely on during your post and then pre masturbatory refractory period.

Here are some facts, which in case you did not read the above paragraph, you cannot dispute because they are absolutely inarguably correct. Both Sinestro and Magneto both have the all powerful “o” at the end of their names. Any supervillain with an “o” at the end of their names is extremely powerful. Just think of the long list of villains with end-in-o powers:

Sinestro

Magneto

Electro

Apocalypto

That’s quite a list, and considering one of the supervillains mentioned above is actually a Mel Gibson film, that’s all the more reason to agree with me.

Magneto is magnetic, and can do impressive magnetic stuff with metals, I guess, except for some metals, assuming he is ferromagnetic. Similarly, Sinestro is sinister, and controls sinister stuff, like ferrets and ice cream mini-truck drivers, assuming he is ferretmagnetic.

The supply of sinister stuff to hurl through the air is entirely dependent on the environment Sinestro is battling in- in an arena full of supervillain fans, I’m sure he could probably find a metric tonne of moustachioed weirdos who he could manipulate using sinestric fields. Magneto, on the other hand, as long as he is not antiferromagnetic, could probably rip the seats out of the stadium- well, the expansion seats, not the concrete boxes- but the rebar in the concrete boxes, and smash them into Sinestro.

Now, as you know, Sinestro got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern, and this is relevant because I goddamnwell say so, and I all I have is this blog, ALL I HAVE ON THIS FUCKING EARTH IS THIS GODDAMN COMEDY BLOG, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO, AND I AM SO FULL OF FASHIONABLE SELF LOATHING THAT I HATE WRITING HERE, so Sinestro might use his awesome powers to float fat guys and ferrets into Magneto. Magneto would fly some lipstick tubes and passenger trains into Sinestro. In a climactic Akira-esque battle in which blobs of flesh and metal and fur fly hither and yon, the eventual winner would be Magneto, because his hat is cooler.

Please send me your hatred.

Winnner: Magneto

Decision: Magneto

And so Magneto moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Dr Doom vs Venom. Marvel vs Marvel. Suck it.

Call us names below!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Mystique vs Catwoman. The ladies duke it out to see who survives. For our purposes, Catwoman is her normal self from DC continuity, and Mystique is herself from standard Marvel continuity.

Rob:

Last smackdown, there was some concern about my homophobic disregard for the efficacy of particular mode of transportation. I would like to first apologize. I referred to the Green Goblin’s hovering jet scooter as a “Gay Rocket Skateboard.” This was unfair, and I am sorry. What I did was substitute the concept of homosexuality, rife with easy jokes, for the true intent of my dialectic, which was to suggest that anyone who rides a “Gay Rocket Skateboard” in not, in fact, necessarily, or even at all, gay (though it is possible statistically). Rather, I intended to convey that the act of flying around on such a device is less derisively “gay” and more utterly and impossibly emasculating in every conceivable way, and that gay and straight men alike feel a penis shrivelling, ball shattering, dick limpening, sack tightening horror at the idea of such a ridiculous contraption having any capacity for status-enhancing terror. On the top ten list of “Things Which Do Not Strike Fear into the Hearts of Men, and Women, and Kittens”, number one with a bullet is “Floaty rollerskates”, followed by “cloudmobiles”, and “cuddleplanes”.

Not only that, but men all over the world of any type of persuasion, queer, strait, transgendered, understand on an implicit and genetically pre-programmed level that a rocket sled of any kind is not going to get you laid, by man, woman, hermaphrodite, or compliant donkey. Your fantasy of having a hover board from Back To The Future dies when you realized driving in a multi seat motor vehicle, one often including a radio, is a far more effective method of attracting the ass of your particular orientation. Finding rocket skateboards a stupid thing for super villains to own and operate is not a choice. We are all born with an opinion on aerial sleds of all kinds, and on this matter we stand united: Nobody is scared of the dude on the NASA surfboard- in fact, this is why we think the Silver Surfer is so, not gay, or retarded, but rather cockpunchular, or if you prefer, douchetacular.

As for the matter of the fight between Mystique and Catwoman, I will not tarry long in a ridiculous straight-male fantasy that they will discover themselves suddenly very bisexual, extremely exhibitionist, and too aroused to fight. I will not describe, in any juvenile level of detail, the reflection of soft blue skin on milky white, in the low, low light of a steamy stadium. I will not elaborate on the possibility of Mystique taking the form of any beautiful woman, least of all Erin Cardillo, who, I will not go on to explain, plays the schoolteacher on the appalling “Suite Life of Zack and Cody: On Deck” and who is much, MUCH, too funny and beautiful for that show, as well as much too compelling of a performer to be in swiffer ads. I will not imagine Mystique and Catwoman drinking wine, agreeing to dress up, in no particular order, as a maid and a Catholic sorority girl, and I will not suggest the sound of two of the most extraordinary orgasms ever witnessed by humankind would render the sense of hearing forever purposeless, and make the music of the Beatles seem like the music of Yoko Ono’s diarrhea.

Mystique takes this one, despite the compelling and conflicted character of Catwoman, and despite the fact that Catwoman has sometimes outsmarted Batman. You nerds can talk all about how powerful Mystique is, or how wily Catwoman is. I’m pretty sure this catfight is over before it is done. Unless the make out thing happens.

Winner: Mystique
Runner Up: Michelle Pfeiffer’s awesome Catwoman
Honourable Mention: Erin Cardillo

Dave:

Some weeks we get many comments pointing out how wrong we are, and providing alternate arguments on why person X should beat person Y. We love this. This week, i’m thinking we’re going to see a near unanimous comment section. Why? Because this fight is so incredibly one sided, I’m questioning why we ever thought it would be a good idea. Well, there is the fanboy lesbian thing. Yes, I remember why now.

The fact is, I can’t think of a single clever way that a former prostitute turned jewel-thief with some acrobatic skills and no powers beats a 100 year old shapeshifter who has a limited healing factor (What, a Marvel character with a healing factor?????), is pretty much immune to poisons, and extremely agile.

Mystique’s main weapon is usually deception, and the ability to surprise and throw opponents off-guard due to looking like someone else. She might be able to end the fight in the first few seconds by pretending to be a guard taking Catwoman to the arena, then drop her like a rock. But assuming they both get to the ring without event, this one takes the guise of a standard slug-fest, albeit one with bikinis and oil. Wait, what? Well, I like it better that way, sue me.

It goes like this: Catwoman does some fancy flips, jumps on Mystique’s back. Mystique uses any one of 100 combat techniques she’s picked over the last 6 decades, and slams Catwoman to the ground. Catwoman jumps up, attacks, is beaten back. Rinse, Repeat. At some point, Mystique gets tired of the game, and advances, breaking Catwoman’s leg. As Catwoman staggers around, Mystique systematically breaks the remaining limbs, and eventually, snaps Catwoman’s neck.

Game, Set, Match.

Winner: Mystique

Tony

It’s been 3 hours and the crowd is getting restless.

Catwoman showed up on time, and has been pacing restlessly back and forth waiting for her opponent to show.

The audience knows Mystique could be anywhere. She could be sitting right beside them. For all they know, they could be sitting on her.

They start chanting “Start the fight, start the fight”. Catwoman shrugs, and does a few whip tricks to try and keep the crowd interested.

There is a fairly large number of sweaty men with their hands buried in their trench coats right up front who look particularly eager for this to start.

1 hour later, still no sign of Mystique. The announcement comes over the P.A.

“Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, by forfeit….”

“WAAAAITT!” screams Catwoman.. She motions to someone off to the side…he brings her a microphone.

As she takes the mic, her skin tight cat suit turns blue, she shakes her thick red hair free and laughs diabolically.

“Curiosity didn’t kill shit.” She says contemptuously…” I killed the cat. Last night. (She changes into Batman) For some weird reason she didn’t expect me to have a gun on me. (She changes back to Mystique) I’d ask for my money back if I were you.”

She gives the booing crowd the finger as she strolls out of the arena.

Okay, so that’s how I think it would go, but some of you might feel a little like the poor saps in the arena audience. You came to see a show and you didn’t get one. Well, let me just add a post script and say that if Mystique had decided to “Play fair” she’d still be the winner. In combat, I’d say they were pretty evenly matched. Catwoman can go toe to toe with Batman, but she has the advantage of her “Feminine wiles”, the Bat is basically wrapped around her paw and she knows it. No such luck with Mystique, who I would imagine would employ a strike and hide strategy, luring Catwoman into the audience and then…

shape change…wait…punch,

shape… change…. wait …kick.

If Catwoman decides “Fuck this” and heads back to the open arena, I wouldn’t put it past Mystique to pick her off from there. She does use guns, and certainly has no compunction about killing people.

Winner: Mystique.

I’ll be in my bunk.

Decision: Mystique

And so Mystique moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Magneto vs Sinestro. Magnets, or things made out of yellow? Sounds like science class!

Call us names below!

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

10. She Hulk: The Movie starring Miley Cyrus

9.Namor will beat the living snot out of the Sea Witch in an upcoming direct to DVD Little Mermaid sequel

8.Spider-man will continue the emo/dance number direction he went in the third film, and he will merge with the High School Musical franchise.

7. Stan Lee will laugh at all of us on his private island. Satellite photos will show him drinking a Mai Tai and giving us the finger.

6.Adorable Baby Avenger Dolls will be added to the “It’s a Small World” ride. there will also be lyric changes
“It’s a world of “Hulk Smash”, a world of “Thwipp”, it’s a World of “Bamf”, it’s a World of “Snikt”

5. Donald Duck will be revealed to be a Skrull.

4. Mickey will be added to the Correctness Superhero Smackdown Bracket

3. One of our beloved characters will be turned into a gaudy , tourist friendly Broadway musical, with the music written by some self important pop star that…oh wait…that’s kind of already happening.

2. Wolverine will go back to Weapon X for de-clawing. And neutering

1. Tony Stark, depressed at the recent buyout, will go to a bar to get drunk. There, he’ll find Kermit slouched over his beer. He unsteadily looks up at Tony with bloodshot ping pong ball eyes and croaks…”You too huh?”