It started like any other day in Metropolis. People were commuting to work, going about their daily lives, being blase about an invulnerable man who can fly, numb from the number of times their city had been threatened by giant somethings from space. When suddenly a giant tear in the fabric of the universe! Very few even looked up from their coffee, a pervasive “Ehhh…whatever, Superman will take care of it” attitude having taken hold of a populace weary of wonders.

 

When the giant saucer arrived, there were some perfunctory screams… you know, for the sake of form. When the giant infant piloting the craft began his drooling destruction of the city, The Mayor shrugged and made a phone call…

To the Justice league!!!

Superman flies straight in for the direct attack

Big mistake

He is crushed by Giant Baby and his own hubris

“This is worse than Doomsday” he mutters. Meanwhile The citizens of Metropolis gather around water oolers to discuss Metropolis Idol

The Man of Steel is down for the count

Next up, the Green Lantern takes his shot

Too much yellow matter in the diaper… the ring is Useless!

Neither willpower nor box office can save him now

He has been been “Paralaxed”

Off goes the Flash!

He attempts to create a vortex to send the infant back where it came from

But he gets too close!

Not fast enough Flash!

Your ass has been rebooted.

Here comes Wonder Wom…oh. Crap.

Invisable Jet Down!!!

No amount of Yoga is going to make that not hurt.

and with one swift motion…

He does to her what ABC did to her new TV show.

But wait…look behind you Giant Infant!!!

Batman’s well placed distraction is working!!! The trap is about to be sprung!

Batman lands the drop kick…the baby is furious!!!

But Batman has no powers…

and an angry baby is worse than ten angry Bane’s

 

Knightfall!

 

“You are next Avengers!!!!” he screams

“Do you Hear me? YOU ARE NEXT!!!!”

 

 

“Spider senses tingling…oh shit!”

 

 

Damn right!

 

 

Tbinns Junior is Victorious. Metropolis is destroyed. Part of them are relieved. Stay tuned…coming soon, Tbinns Junior takes on…THE AVENGERS!

 

 

Well kids, it’s time to cast the big one…Diana, the Amazon who in our Smackdown series somewhat controversially handed Captain America his ass on a shield, as it were. Her powers, like Superman’s, vary wildly depending on who you talk to but there is no doubt about her iconic status and her ability to not only hang with, but occasionally even beat the Big Boys.

The Correctness Casting Couch (finally)presents: Wonder Woman.

So Who Are We Replacing?

Well, we aren’t really. Linda Carter was so long ago and is, I’m sure, so treasured in our memories that we wouldn’t think of REPLACING her. Rather we will be focusing on the news that David E. Kelly, he of the wacky lawyer shows, has been given the go ahead by ABC to develop a Wonder Woman TV series. Now lets assume for the moment that he will give the Diana her due and make a good series instead of making her a lawyer by day who deals with a love triangle between her, Supes and Batman , and worries about her biological clock, and has so much “quirkiness” in her life it’s enough to choke the Giant Seahorse Aquaman rides on.

Lets assume it is a straightforward action adventure series, with Diana going from the Amazon Jungle to the urban jungle, kicking asses and taking names…as it should be.

In The Running

Sophia Bush

Not terribly familiar with her work but I have heard her name bandied about on the internet. I think she could pull it off, given the right circumstances. I’d have to see a screen test, but I think for a modern take on Wonder Woman, you could do worse.

Jodi Lyn O Keefe

Again, not super familiar with her work, but she certainly appears to have the kind of intensity the part would require. Maybe instead of a screen test, her and Sophia should just fight it out. The Amazons would be proud.

The “If You Were 5 Inches Taller And Had About 5-10 More Pounds of Muscle On You Award” Goes To…

Mila Kunis

Way too petite for the part, I know but she definitely has an exotic, captivating look. Apparently she was quite good in “Black Swan” so she has the chops. I can definitely see the tiara on her, she has the right face for it…but unless you have elevator boots and steroids in the contract, not quite the ass kicker you need here.

Hey, You Know Who I DON’T Want To Play The Part?

Megan Fox

Look at those eyes…they are utterly dead. They almost NEVER portray any kind of emotion…bored, lifeless zombie eyes. It’s like she was created whole cloth by Robert Zemekis for one of his 3-d animated films. She IS the Uncanny valley .She looks like one of those “Real” sex dolls and has about as much personality. No…no no no…definitely not, despite what a myriad of photoshop enthusiasts on the internet would have you believe.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” Award goes to

IT’S A TIE!!!

Lucy Lawless circa 1997

Seriously. Come on. It’s like the Pierce Brosnon Bond. Do we even need to discuss this?

And

Jennifer Connolley Circa 1995

Hollywood got to her somewhere around 2000 or so and she became hopelessly skinny, but back in the day she had curves, acting chops, and sci-fi nerd cache. She is still a rather exquisite creature even today, but back then she would have been absolutely ideal.

The Top Three

3. Cobie Smulders

She has gone on record as saying the Wonder Woman casting thing is the curse of every actress with long dark hair, but I truly believe she could do something very interesting with the part and look good doing it. This choice also fulfills our Canadian Content mandate here on the Correctness, so everybody wins.

2. Ashley Greene

Yes, the chick from Twilight. It makes economic sense, if you are selling the thing to young girls who are looking for a strong female role model…they are more likely to buy into someone they already know and like. And I suppose there is a section of fanboy out there who prefers their Wonder Woman to be a little less butch. If that is the direction you want to go with it…you can’t get a much better choice than Ashley here.

And the #1 Choice for Wonder Woman is….

Megan Gale

“Uhhh…Tbinns? She already WAS cast as Wonder Woman, you lazy Canadian Fuck”

Yeah I know, but we didn’t actually get to see it…and in this case I think Miller’s casting was bang on the money. In fact it was the only casting choice in the whole doomed Justice League endeavor that didn’t make me scratch my head a little. Besides LOOK at her… Take a look at this picture…

And take a look at this one

It’s almost like she modeled for the thing. She has the look, the height, everything. If this woman came charging out at me with an Amazon battle cry I would be both frightened and aroused…which is EXACTLY how it should be for Wonder Woman.

So there it is…David E. Kelley take note, please, for the love of God, no campy lawyer shit.

Oh who am I kidding…it’s going to be complete shit.

So, while I’ve got you…who am I missing? What other Superheroines would you like to see on the Casting Couch?

Leave you suggestions, and of course your comments below. In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week It’s the Justice League vs. The X-men. Two titans of of the superteam genre, more titanic even than the Teen Titans, who suck a bunch.

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

vs

The X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

RobbieRobTown:

WARNING: I promised you people a non-sensical rant. If you want writing that makes sense, scroll down to the submissions from the other boys.

We have some lovely friends on FARK. Also, and somewhat unsurprisingly on FARK, we have some people who really hate us. That’s the whole point of FARK, really. Good on ‘em. Thank Christ almighty we haven’t upset 4Chan.
In any case, “It’s Fixed!” comes the battle cry from the FARK forums! “Fixy fix fiiiiiixxxx!” they shout.

“But we have all those rules!” we explain.

“Fixy fix fix!” They type, aggressively.

“But we’re just writers anyway, and we have nothing to gain from fixing these events, not even favour from our dwindling readership,” we add.

“Fixitty fix fix!” They say. “Plus, you are phoning it in, and you suuuuhuuuuuck!”

But they are right of course. Nothing can prove we don’t preplan this in detail- every last unsatisfying detail. Every missed opportunity for a joke? Planned by me personally. I have been simply throwing you off the trail of my subversive plot to entertain you slightly less than I once did! I have everything to gain! HAHAHAHAHA! It all makes perfect sense.

I suppose, then, it is time I reveal the details of my plan. This article will be my Corbomite maneuver. This is tranya, bitches. I hope you relish it as much as I.  Wait, this will be my Kobayashi Maru. No, wait- This is my Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”. You are about to witness the penultimate unmotivated, illogical, irrational adventure into sheer stupidity, really, second only to Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”, which was just appalling in every way. Made no sense. At all. Buckle up.

Fuck our rules, I am adding 3 people and one monkey into this fight. Why? Because in the end, no one interested in having sex with me is basing their decision on this article.

Our regular readers (reader) know(s) that I hated it as a kid when the ratings solution to every regularly broadcast television program in the seventies, and eighties, was the addition of some cute kid, or kids to entice , well, kids. Sometimes they even got rid of the first cute kid (Judy Winslow, looking at you…) to replace that kid with some cuter kid.  I could make an exhaustive list of offenders, but we need not look much further than the satanists who work at Hanna-Barbera for the key evidence.

If we are going to have the Justice League fight, we are going to have them fight at their worst, handicapped (in both a golf way and a short-bus way) by the Wonder Twins. Not only that, but I’m adding Gleek. Gleek is a purple “space-monkey”, which is so wholly an unsatisfactory explanation for his biology or purpose that it just reeks of B science fiction writing- “Put the space-hats on the space-rack, and make it space-quick!”. It literally reeks, you can smell it from here, it smells like my lactose-intolerant poops after pizza night. Superman sure is mighty, he can deal with Brainiac, but can he deal with the Jar-Jar Binks of the DC universe? We’ll just see.

To the X-Men, I’m adding in Kitty Pryde. Why? A, because it is one of the few examples of the addition of a cute kid that has ever been successful, B, because she evolved into a kick-ass character, and C, because she has a dragon. Kitty Pryde has a motherfucking dragon. Is it purple? Yes, regrettably. Is it better than a space-monkey? Are you shitting me? Of course a dragon is better than a space-monkey, that is just a fact of science.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me: Would you rather have a saccharine cute dragon, or a retarded primate?

You: Dragon is an option? Dragon!

Me: You can have the monkey and a billion dollars.

You: Dragon!

Me: Both are pretty useless.

You: Dragon.

Me: Both are purple.

You: DRAGON!

Me: If you take the monkey, I’ll give you a dragon.

You: Dragon! Only dragon…or else…

Enough talk. Let’s fight! Here’s how it goes down:

Into the arena both teams go. Right of the bat, Gleek finds a chair to dry hump, and The “Wonder” Twins rush over to see if they can pry their monkey off. Yes, they have powers, but they are too distracted by their jack-off monkey to do anything. Bad news Super Friends, now someone has to babysit the teenage kids, and stop them from getting seriously killed.  They aren’t listening to Mom, so better send in Supes to give the kids a stern, boring, Americana lecture about planning. He’s out of the fight, he’ll be busy for like, forever. Maybe Jan and Mike Brady, or whoever, will eventually turn into an ice gondola and a purple eagle (purple!)- unless someone has stolen all of their rings- Gleek? Arrrgh! You infuriating primate! Gleek stole all of the rings, both from the Wonder Twins and The Green Lantern- That means even if GL could help (which he can’t, because of the rules about no additional team members that I am adhering to strictly), his ring would be covered in purple space-jizz.

Meanwhile, Aquaman (checks to see if anybody cares, moves on)…

Kitty Pryde is not sitting around doing nothing. She punches Wonder Woman right in the breast. POW! Straight to the boob! An infuriated Wonder Woman spends the rest of the fight purposelessly trying to hit Kitty Pryde in the box. This fight lasts until one of them gets too hungry to continue, and the their eyes meet. Kitty Pryde, and immovable object, Wonder Woman, and unstoppable force. Kitty, young, inexperienced, just freshly 19 years old and back with the X-men, her kick-ass ninja skills opening Diana’s eyes, and heart.  Wonder Woman suddenly sees something she never sees in the DC universe- a strong woman, a challenge. Kitty Pryde sees a woman she can respect.

There is a fight going on, but there is a spotlight on Kitty Pryde and Wonder Woman, at the center of the arena. “Dreamweaver” is playing.

“You fight well, young mortal, but you must learn honour,” says Wonder Woman.

Kitty Pryde’s uniform has been irreparably torn in the battle. “I rarely meet a worthy opponent.”

“Join me. I will be your teacher.” Diana, Amazon goddess, is then suddenly  wearing a hot teacher outfit. Probably with really well tailored grey wool pencil skirt.

“Perhaps only you can teach me what I must learn,” says Kitty Pryde, as she is inexplicably re-dressed in a catholic school-girl uniform.

Yes, I know I have written this kind of storyline before. Stop reading if you are so bored.

Diana puts her hand up to Kitty Pryde’s face. She strokes her cheek, and pulls her close. “Only a woman can guide you,” she says, as she draws Kitty yet closer, pulling back on her hair just slightly- roughly at first, the smell of the sweat from the battle on both of their skin, and then gently, caressing her.

“We never had lessons like this at Xavier’s school,” moans Kitty. Even Aquaman isn’t as wet as she is.

“That bald fool doesn’t have a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Now,” says Wonder Woman, “tell me what you really want…”

If you want more, send me a goddamn cheque, or click on our advertisers.

Anyhow, our winner is the X-Men, because I’m tired of the “Batman always wins” paradigm too. But the real winner? The real winner is you, fair audience.

Winner: The X-Men featuring Kitty “You Can’t Hit What Isn’t There, But You Wish You Could Hit That!” Pryde.

Loser: Hanna-Barbera, The Colour Purple.

admin_Rock

So, a battle that we can finally sink our teeth in to. It’s been a long time coming. See the problem with building a bracket from entirely fictional things is that if you do it randomly, you’re stuck with the luck of the draw. If you select specific teams for specific slots, you’re chastised for setting things up. So we tend to stick to the random method. Which leads, for some reason, to being chastised for setting things up. Anyways, I think my smackdowns of late have been too much catering to the internet crowd, so today, it’s just for me.

The Arena draws to a hush as the teams enter. The crowd is filled with with spectators, some of them former JLA members, the majority made up of othe X-Men, 6000 strong. The horn goes to start the match.

The Flash moves at imperceptible speed, ravaging through the X-Men, taking one after another down in less than a heartbeat. He stands over their collapsed bodies, blows on his knuckles, and waits for his teammates to congratulate him.

Sadly, this occurs only in his head. In the arena, Jean Grey has entered his mind, and is holding him motionless, but since she is kind and hot, and it makes for a better story, she’s also projecting these things in his head.

Colossus heads straight for Superman and tries to restart the Cold War. Knowing that Superman is ultimately stronger, he relies on his artistic soul and his spirit to carry the day. Their battle continues on…

Cyclops is firing optic blasts at everything in sight, forcing Batman on to the defensive, as he dodges and weaves through them, trying to get closer to Cyke.

Wolverine is barreling through the middle, heading for Aquaman, who is still trying to figure out how he pulled this duty, rather than, say, Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. He sees Wolvie coming fast, and gets nervous. Wonder Woman comes to his aid, knocking Wolvie to the ground, and throwing her lasso around him.

“Why are you doing this?” she asks. Forced to tell the truth, he admits “It’s a distraction.”

“For what?” she asks quizzically.

“For Jean and Rogue to do their thing.” He says, smiling.

Wonder Woman turns and sees Rogue walk up to a still frozen Flash, and lay a huge kiss on him, tongue and everything. Flash crumples to the ground, and Rogue starts smiling as she takes stock of what she’s now capable of.

Before she can pull in her breath to say “Uh oh”, she and Aquaman are down for the count, courtesy of the Southern Speedster.

In the meantime, Colossus is in trouble, as Superman is pounding him around the stadium, and Cyclops’s time has run out. Batman closes the distance, and drops him with a well placed karate chop to the back of the head. He turns, ready to move forward with his meticulously well crafted plan, takes note of the location of Colossus, Jean, and Wolverine. Unable to see Rogue, he quickly grabs for his belt, looking for something that will give him vision in the infra-red. As he does this, he feels his brain starting to get hot, and then worries only about finding a drink of water. He walks toward the exit, and Wolverine takes him down with a few quick snickts. Jean’s mind control is proving to be unstoppable.

Now Superman is alone, once again, as he truly always is. Though he tries to fit in, and be one of us, he never will, as he is an outsider. This makes him sad. He grows tired of the distraction of Colossus, and throws him aside. He makes a beeline for Jean Grey, in an attempt to remove her from the fight. as he closes, he bounces off an invisible shield, composed of both Jean’s TK and Rogue’s wall of air. As Supes gets to his feet, he’s knocked over by Wolvie smashing into him, a la Fastball Special. As he rises again, he sees Rogue in his face. She kisses him. “I don’t think you can take my power,” he says. “Because technically, I’m simply strong due to the color of the sun.” “Ah don’t need your power, sugah. But y’all have a nice nap”. A fully powered Superman drifts off to sleep.

The X-men pick up Cyclops, and they all head back to the Mansion for a Claremont era softball game.

Winner: The X-Men

The Internet: Okay Tbinns. Let’s have it. X-men vs. Justice League. Go.

Tbinns: No.

The Internet: No? What do you mean no? It’s Friday. It’s Smackdown Day. You write something, we call you names. That’s how this works.

Tbinns: No. Not today. I don’t feel like it.

The Internet: Then just phone it in like you always do.

Tbinns: Bite me. Piss off, I’m not doing it.

The Internet: Wait a minute, are you…are you SULKING?

Tbinns: No, I am not sulking. I just feel like staying here in the bedroom with the door shut playing Moving Pictures over and over and writing letters to people I hate while stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies that have a little bit of jam in the bottom of them.

The Internet: The chocolate coated ones that look like a bowler hat?

Tbinns: Yes.

The Internet: Those are awesome. Can we have one?

Tbinns: No, fuck off.

The Internet: Awwww…what’s the matter little buddy?

Tbinns: Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m certainly not upset because the Defenders got knocked out, after I SPECIFICALLY put them in the tournament so Superman could get completely fucked up the ass on both a magical and sub atomic level. Why would I be upset that the Hulk, one of my personal favourites was dismissed completely because SOMEBODY that writes for this site is uncomfortable with the fact that he has fantasies about putting Namor’s ankle wings behind his ears and doing a little submarining of his own. So he writes about how much he hates him, dismisses the Defenders completely, then overcompensates by writing superheroine lesbian erotica.

The Internet: Ooooookaaaayyyy….so you’re not going to post anything?

Tbinns: No, if I do, you’ll just complain anyway, and my Defenders are out, so what’s the point?

The Internet: So, we’ll just put you down for the Justice League then, and move on?

Tbinns: Uhhhh…no.

The Internet: No? You are voting for the X-men? So we were right all along, and you don’t know anything about comics AT ALL? And you are a douche bag and you aren’t funny or entertaining and we can sardonically refer to you as a “writer” in quotes, and call you a cocksmoker because Fark doesn’t greenlight our blog and we deeply resent you?

Tbinns: Well, IF I were writing today I would have to point out that the whole thing depends on taking out The X factor. In this case, Batman and the “Batman has a plan for that.” argument. Admin Rock will tell you all about it, if he takes his lips off of Bruce Wayne’s ass long enough to.

The Internet: Boy you ARE in a pissy mood.

Tbinns: Observe carefully people.

Before the bell goes and the fight officially begins, Wolverine lights up a stoagie and strides to the centre of the Arena. He holds his hand in the air. Slowly a microphone comes down from the ceiling.

WOLVERINE: Listen up candy asses. As of right now, I’m only interested in ONE of you. Two if you count the Amazon broad, but we’ll save that one for later. Right now, I just want to go one on one with your best.

Superman takes a step forward…

WOLVERINE: Not so fast Boyscout, I ain’t talking to you. Batman. I’m calling your ass OUT.

The crowd goes apeshit. Wolvie smiles.

Because the Batman does have a weakness. Pride. Time and time again he tries to go toe to toe with physically superior foes, only to get his ass kicked. Then he comes back later to defeat his enemy using smarts rather than brawn. (See the Mutant Leader in Dark Knight, also Bane)But his instinct is to punish, to beat them down physically. There is no way on God’s green earth Batman will back down from this. Any plans he may have had, any elaborate schemes he’s been plotting just went out the window.

SUPERMAN: Bruce, we are a team…don’t let him goad you into anything stupid…

But Batman shoots him that look. It’s too late. Damage has been done. Batman walks out to the middle of the arena.

Snikt.

“Let’s see what you got, bub.”

Crowd goes wild, and it’s a blur of claws and cape…

The two go toe to toe for several minutes back and forth, when the buzzer sounds.

Flash disappears, looking to help Batman and take Wolvie out, but he is stopped, he hits the ground at Wolverines feet, taken out with a football style tackle.

Because Pietro gave Rogue a nice, long good luck hug before the match. And now she’s giving him the very same hug. A good long, draining hug. Flash is on the floor dizzy, and weak when Rogue knocks him out.

Superman flies straight up, only to grip his head and drop back down to the floor. Jean is in there good and she is fucking him up.

Cyc blasts away at Aquaman, while Colossus makes a beeline for Wonder Woman. He knows he’s not going to beat her, he just has to keep her busy, which he does admirably.

Rogue now has the Flash’s powers, she is zipping around doing all kinds of damage. She takes out Aquaman. Ties up Wonder Woman at super sonic speed. Then she zips up to Superman and gives him a gentle touch as well.

The Wolverine Batman brawl has spilled out into the crowd, the lobby, the street…

Superman finally manages to shake off Jean. He is drained, weakened, disoriented, and facing Rogue, who now has his powers, Colossus, and a continuing onslaught of psychic attacks from Jean. That’s when Cyc adjusts his visor to the new modification that Beast gave him. The one that focuses the beams through kryptonite.

“Let’s finish it up” He says.

And THAT is how the X-men beat the Justice League.

So IF I was writing an article this week that’s how it would go. So put me down for the X-men, and fuck off.

But if you are going out, I could use another package of Mallow cookies.

P.S. Somewhere in the distant hills, Batman and Wolverine are still fighting it out.

Winner: The X-Men

Decision: The X-Men

And so, the The X-Men defy the odds and move on to face the Avengers in what will assuredly not be a repeat of the terrible mini series of decades past, nor the equally terrible Utopia of only a few years past.

Comments are welcome below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have DC’s Justice League taking on Marvel’s first family, The Fantastic Four.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

Vs.

The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

RobbieRobTown:

I am not a comic book expert. “Why do you write for a comic book blog?” you might ask. I’m glad that you raised the question. I write for a comedy website, and it just so happens that our big “business” is in comic books. I do not know everything about comic books (nor comedy) but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to enrage nerds nerdier than me, and I am surprised by the legion of angry nerds that actually are much nerdier than me- I thought I was an extreme, turns out I’m more MOR than MOR adult oriented radio.

In any case, I have taken, in the past year, to doing research for these articles by reading metric buttloads of comics. For these smackdowns, I quite often go back to the beginning. When I wanted to find out more about Batman, I read a DC treasury of the early Batman comics. X-Men? Same deal, I went straight back to the Lee/Kirby stuff, first twenty issues, and then I read the first fifty Claremont issues, before he turned the suck dial up to 10. I have read many, many, many origin stories, and many, many, many early narratives. I have come to a few conclusions which I think may be pertinent to my discussion of the winner of this smackdown.

1. Origin stories are way more lame than you remember, and they are only cool now because they have been retold by more effective storytellers than the original writers.

2. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby had WAY too much stuff to do in the early days at Marvel. WAY. In a few days I will post a companion piece to this to demonstrate that Kirby was far from infallible.

I mention this because I am going to give this fight to the JLA. I am giving this fight to the JLA because I hate, hate, HATE the entire early Fantastic Four catalogue. HATE. The other boys will write you plausible stories about how long Sue Richards’ invisible shield can withstand Superman’s x-ray vision, or whatever. The boys are more expert than I, and they will gleefully provide you with fodder to fire your canon at (see what I did there?). I however, am going to tell you why I despise the FF so much.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were writing a lot of titles by 1961, but they weren’t rich. Not rich at all. This is why, I believe, that issue 3, and even more so, issue 6 feature huge unnecessary panels showing off the Richards’ super-keen-neato apartment featuring such awesome superhero necessities as a “Giant map room” ( guess what’s in it) and a “projection room and closed circuit TV control” (you know, closed circuit TV, so Thing could watch Sue shower and jack off until he jizzes pebbles?). Then, once Lee and Kirby had a swinging imaginary bachelor pad, they gave their hero a hot girlfriend, and lest he lose Sue to someone else, ruining the adolescent fantasy, Lee and Kirby make sure the other dudes on the team are sexually non-threatening. One dude is related to Sue, and Thingy has a gross penis and is too bumpy for loving (more on Jack Kirby’s “Giant Crotch” phase next week).

Then, they make  with the names: Fantasti-Car! Fantasti-Copter! Faantasti-tarded, you guys. They even have a Bat Signal, but it is a number 4 shaped flare. I know, harping on the plausibility of a firework that can write a boldface number 4 in the sky against all the gamma ray shit is a minor quibble. Nonetheless, it comes out of a normal flare gun. Lamers. And the dialogue, oh Stan the dialogue…

Next time, I’ll pick on the JLA for being a glorified Super Friends, but for now, I hate the Fantastic Four, they suck ass, and I regret the $27.50 Canadian I spent reading the first ten issues that not even Doc Doom can improve. Probably because of all the goddamn Sub-Mariner, and you people know how I feel about his inexplicable motives and his ridiculous tiny ankle-wings.

Winner: JLA

Tbinns

I have a feeling this isn’t going to be the cakewalk everyone says it’s going to be. Let’s have a look at the old tale of the tape here…

The Brains: Superman likes to THINK he’s in charge, but when it comes down to strategy, the Batman will be calling the shots. Reed will be doing the thinking for the FF. Both are geniuses in different ways, one is a tactician, the other a scientist. It’s kind of like pitting Patton against Einstein. Both are masters of the ancient art of Deus Ex Machina, and both have been known to make total DICK moves for the sake of what they deem to be the general good. However since it’s a fight and not a science fair, I have to give the advantage to Bats here.

The Muscle: Superman and Wonder Woman vs. The Thing. Ben would have his hands full with just one of these two. It’s a good thing he is tough and can take a lot because he is about to get his ass whooped. Advantage JLA

The Wildcards: Flash and (giggle) Aquaman vs. The Human Torch. Flash is nigh impossible to take out of any equation, and Aquaman is nigh impossible to take seriously. But if it comes down to Johnny vs. The Flash, I’m giving it to the Flash. So once again JLA.

On paper, it’s pretty cut and dry, let’s see how it goes down…

Batman knows the first order of business is to take Sue Storm out. And not for a nice dinner either. Mr. Fantastic’s main concern, protect the wife, and keep Superman and Wonder Woman at bay.

Fortunately he has had two days to research and plan.

Unfortunately so has Batman. But I think on a gadget to gadget basis, this is the one and only area where Reed is better than Batman.

Both teams are in opposite ends of the arena. There’s a lot of smiling and waving going on. Buzzer sounds…Flash disappears, and so does Sue. Batman shoots his gun and gets taken straight up to the rafters, disappearing into the dark.

“Anybody Know what time it is?” Ben asks.

Aquaman exits stage left.

Wonder Woman charges with an Amazonian battle cry

Superman flies up and aims a heat blast at Reed.

Meanwhile, at the very southernmost tip of South America, The Flash finally stops and puts down Sue.

“Sorry about that, Ma’am” says the Flash. “I hope I didn’t hurt you”

“No problem Dude” says the surprisingly masculine voice “I hope your suit is fireproof”

The blonde wig burns off of Johhny as he lets off a massive heat blast.

Back at the arena, Superman is surprised to find his heat ray has no effect, like there is some kind of shielding going on…

Reed presses the button on a remote, sending a signal to a tower atop a nearby building. The brother sister switcharoo has bought them about a minute and a half…

A blast from Sue sends The JLA Careening backwards

Reed’s plan is going perfectly.

And then phase two…Ben steps out from behind the shield, with a number of green crystals embedded in his skin…”It’s clobberin time” he mutters with a grin.

In South America, The Flash, moving faster than the fire blast, literally runs circles around Johnny until he can’t muster a flame. Then he takes off back for the arena. At that precise moment, an insanely hot South American girl steps onto the beach, and smiles at Johnny.

“Hello there…” he says with a smile. Johnny is out of the fight…he’s gonna be here awhile.

The Thing clocks Superman a good one, sending him skittering across the arena floor. Wonder Woman has no problem with Kryptonite, so she drop kicks Ben in the chest, sending HIM reeling backwards.

Aquaman runs back in with a bucket of water. He climbs in it. “Come on you fuckers” he screams from his bucket…”Come get some!!”

“Where the hell is Wally”? thinks Wonder Woman as she tries to sweep Ben’s legs out from under him, and receives a big stone fist to the midsection for her trouble.

The answer to that question is in a taxi, because the second he set foot in the city, Reed’s well placed device completely dampened his speed force for a 50 mile radius

Superman gets up and is hit with another energy blast.

In the Lobby, the fish in the fish tank really want to help out, but can’t really do anything

Reed stretches himself around Wonder Woman, tying her up, which according to legend, she both hates and really really digs. This leaves Ben to deal with Superman. Sue has disappeared, leaving only the odd energy blast to give any hint of where she is.

“I’m Waaaaitiiiing” screams Aquaman.

The JLA are actually in trouble here

But Batman is never going to be caught without a Plan B. Wearing special energy signature goggles, he finds Sue, and takes her out with a specially designed vibrating anti shield dart. Sue reappears and drops in a heap.

Reed stretches over to check on her and is taken out by the Whatever Plan I Have In My Data Base To Take Out Ralph Dibney Or Plastic Man If They Ever Go Rogue Device (Wayne Enterprises, Patent Pending) This frees Wonder Woman, who combined with Superman (From a distance, with freezing attacks) start whooping the tar out of the Thing.

The Thing does NOT give up however, until Reed wakes up and concedes. Hands are shaken, crowd goes wild. Everyone goes to a little pub on Yancy Street to celebrate a great fight, Except Batman, who has some sulking to do, and the Flash, who shows up at the arena 20 minutes after everyone leaves, owing to Midtown Traffic.

And just to piss off Aquaman, everyone orders fish and chips.

Winner : JLA

But it was NO Cakewalk.

admin_Rock:

The Justice League is arguably the strongest super team ever formed. DC is not known for it’s team books, as they tend to concentrate on the individual heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, makes team books on a whim. In general, DC characters are stronger than Marvel, so it stands to reason that the DC team would be stronger than the average Marvel team. But individual strength does not a team make.

In the lineup for the JLA, you have DC’s Trinity of power, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. They alone are more than enough to beat most teams. Add in The Flash and Aquaman, and there’s a lot of power here.

The Fantastic Four have the advantage of being family, and of having worked together pretty much exclusively. They can react like a team in ways other teams can only imagine.

Much debate has been bantered about concerning the Batman Deus Ex Machina, the idea that Batman is the master planner, and that he can prepare for any contingency. I’m stacking that up against the scientific genius of Reed Richards, and I’m saying Reed comes out ahead here. This is because he has the advantage of studying all the parallel earths and discussing the upcoming battle with every other Reed Richards that has time to chat. So this is how it plays out:

The battle horn goes, and Flash moves to end things instantly. He aims to slam in to Sue, but is bounced off of her protective bubble. Simultaneously, he’s knocked unconscious by Reed’s Free-Wave device, built to render the Flash’s powers null and void. The beam encompasses him, knocks him out, and places him in the negative zone, pretty much instantly.

While that’s going on, Ben Grimm has hurtled a railing at Superman. Supes takes great offence to this, and begins knocking The Thing around the arena. Batman is on the run from The Human Torch, who is throwing fire and moving Batman to the side of the arena. Superman is pummeling The Thing into the ground, and notices him laughing. “Why are you laughing?” he asks, in his boring usual tone. “You’re losing.” “Heh”, says Ben Grimm. “Look again”. As Superman looks back towards the others, he sees Wonder Woman and Aquaman lying on the ground, completely out. “That’s our girl”, says The Thing.

For, while the big guns are busy fighting off their assailants, Sue has been busy. She’s formed a small bubble over Aquaman’s head, depriving him of air, and created a tiny bubble inside Diana’s neck, which stops the flow of blood to her head.

Batman sees an opening, and fires an extinguishing foam he’s built for the occasion at The Torch, but while he watches it take effect, he’s blanketed by Mr. Fantastic, who tazes Batman, paralyzing his muscles. Superman charges at Sue, slamming into her defensive shield, knocking her over. Before he’s able to take advantage, he looks up and notices that the arena’s sun has changed to Red, courtesy of Reed’s Spectra-Wave, and He realizes he’s weakening. Then, from behind, he hears “it’s Clobbering Time”, and joins the others in nap.

Game, Set and Match to The Fantastic Four.

Winner: The Fantastic Four

Decision: Split Decision to The Justice League

The Justice League move on to the next round. Tune in next week to see who advances as the USA takes on Canada, as The Avengers battle Alpha Force.

A few weeks back, we asked you, minions denizens people at work with seriously nothing better to do oh faithful readers, to chime in and let us know which articles were your favorites. You remember: It was this article.

Well, to our continued amazement, you responded. Here then, are your top three favorite Correctness Articles from Year One. (Capitalized to be all Frank Miller cool.)

Coming in at number 3:

Our thorough examination of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok

Your second place article:

The seventh chapter of the SuperHero Smackdown

And the most asked for article:

A Nerd’s Letter to Penthouse

The poll results:

Thoughts? Concerns? Dr Pepper?

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

TONY:

CAP: Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to stand down!

WONDER WOMAN: Sir, I’m going to have to warn you that if you call me “Miss” one more time, I will put that shield where it won’t come back right away.

CAP: I’d rather not hit a woman.

WONDER WOMAN: Don’t worry, you won’t.

CAP: I should warn you, Ma’am, if you insist on beating me up in that outfit and tying me up with your rope, I can’t promise I won’t become visibly aroused.

WONDER WOMAN (Shrugs): Wouldn’t be the first time.

With that, Cap tosses his shield which is deflected instantly off of Diana’s bracelets, off of an alley wall and remarkably and improbably right back to him.

It’s on.

This is quite a tough call. Steve Rodgers is at the ABSOLUTE PEAK of human conditioning, a genius tactician, a master martial artist. But Diana is part of an immortal race of warriors, made from clay by the gods. While Steve’s strength is as good as a human can get, hers is actually superhuman. Plus she can fly which has to be quite the advantage. Will she use her truth lasso and make Steve confess about that one very special lonely night with Bucky on the beaches of Normandy? Will Cap’s cooler head prevail and catch her in an arrogant anger induced mistake, thus causing her to ruin her diet with a mouthful of shield sandwich?

Either way it would be a good fight I think. They are quite evenly matched, and it could go either way, depending on who makes the first mistake, so it comes down to character. The whole thing hinges on it, in fact, which is why I’m going with Wonder Woman. Yes, she has a strength and power advantage but Steve has been outmatched and won plenty of times.

No, I think chivalry will ultimately undo Captain America. There are bound to be spots in the fight where he can take a cheap shot and do some pretty major damage, but if he’s fighting a woman, even one who can kick his ass, he will hesitate. And you cannot hesitate for even a moment or the Amazon will take you down, and not in the way you’d be hoping.

And if she got mad enough to don the battle armor and the sword? Forget it. You are done.

I’m giving this one to Wonder Woman

DAVE:

The Boy Scout vs the Amazon Princess. That sentence should pretty much say it all. You could maybe make a decent argument that Cap knows his combat, and his tactics, and his gymnastics, and that hand-to-hand, he’s about as good as it gets. He’s also dead. That’s right. Killed by … a Cosmic Force? The fist of an angry god? Consumption by the fabric of the universe? Nope. A bullet. A normal old bullet. OR WAS IT!!!! (No, it was a time travelly thing, how much ass does that suck?) So he’s NOT dead, but could have been.

But WW could snap his neck like a twig. She can fly, she can exist in the vacuum of space for a short period of time. Her Bracelets are invincible, and that shield would going panging off of it time after time. Wonder Woman could have taken that bullet and shrugged it off. Because she’s practically a goddess herself. She’s smart, sexy, good with animals. I think that girl is going to make it in the modern world. Cuz it’s you Diana, and you should know it!

In the parlance of this very medium, I am choosing Wonder Woman, because Cap is ‘teh gay’, and because she could go 27 rounds with him, leave him begging for more, then finish him off, bring home the bacon, and fry it up in the invisible jet.

Winner: Wonder Woman

ROB:

[Sighs heavily]

Let me tell you a story. In High School, we all had a plan to blow up the school- like, you know, a real plan on paper. We talked about it, we took measurements of the hallways, we discussed the efficacy of various explosives. Now, this was the mid nineties, and nobody thought we were a serious threat, and you know what? We weren’t. I don’t know what kind of screwed up monkey actually tries to blow up a school, but you can’t tell me you never thought about it? Not even once? I mean, we measured a minivan and priced out a sawzall to see if we could get the minivan through the double doors.  We even had a plan to use cesium from the science lab.

I am telling you this story because I hope it is more compelling than a fight between Wonder Woman and Captain America, the modern relevance of both of whom is subjective at best. Both had their social relevance at one time, and now both are fucktarded.

Winner: Wonder Woman

Decision : Wonder Woman takes it unanimously.

Next week: Kitty Pryde vs Deadpool! The final of the round of 16!!!!

Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.