Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week It’s the Justice League vs. The X-men. Two titans of of the superteam genre, more titanic even than the Teen Titans, who suck a bunch.

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

vs

The X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

RobbieRobTown:

WARNING: I promised you people a non-sensical rant. If you want writing that makes sense, scroll down to the submissions from the other boys.

We have some lovely friends on FARK. Also, and somewhat unsurprisingly on FARK, we have some people who really hate us. That’s the whole point of FARK, really. Good on ‘em. Thank Christ almighty we haven’t upset 4Chan.
In any case, “It’s Fixed!” comes the battle cry from the FARK forums! “Fixy fix fiiiiiixxxx!” they shout.

“But we have all those rules!” we explain.

“Fixy fix fix!” They type, aggressively.

“But we’re just writers anyway, and we have nothing to gain from fixing these events, not even favour from our dwindling readership,” we add.

“Fixitty fix fix!” They say. “Plus, you are phoning it in, and you suuuuhuuuuuck!”

But they are right of course. Nothing can prove we don’t preplan this in detail- every last unsatisfying detail. Every missed opportunity for a joke? Planned by me personally. I have been simply throwing you off the trail of my subversive plot to entertain you slightly less than I once did! I have everything to gain! HAHAHAHAHA! It all makes perfect sense.

I suppose, then, it is time I reveal the details of my plan. This article will be my Corbomite maneuver. This is tranya, bitches. I hope you relish it as much as I.  Wait, this will be my Kobayashi Maru. No, wait- This is my Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”. You are about to witness the penultimate unmotivated, illogical, irrational adventure into sheer stupidity, really, second only to Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”, which was just appalling in every way. Made no sense. At all. Buckle up.

Fuck our rules, I am adding 3 people and one monkey into this fight. Why? Because in the end, no one interested in having sex with me is basing their decision on this article.

Our regular readers (reader) know(s) that I hated it as a kid when the ratings solution to every regularly broadcast television program in the seventies, and eighties, was the addition of some cute kid, or kids to entice , well, kids. Sometimes they even got rid of the first cute kid (Judy Winslow, looking at you…) to replace that kid with some cuter kid.  I could make an exhaustive list of offenders, but we need not look much further than the satanists who work at Hanna-Barbera for the key evidence.

If we are going to have the Justice League fight, we are going to have them fight at their worst, handicapped (in both a golf way and a short-bus way) by the Wonder Twins. Not only that, but I’m adding Gleek. Gleek is a purple “space-monkey”, which is so wholly an unsatisfactory explanation for his biology or purpose that it just reeks of B science fiction writing- “Put the space-hats on the space-rack, and make it space-quick!”. It literally reeks, you can smell it from here, it smells like my lactose-intolerant poops after pizza night. Superman sure is mighty, he can deal with Brainiac, but can he deal with the Jar-Jar Binks of the DC universe? We’ll just see.

To the X-Men, I’m adding in Kitty Pryde. Why? A, because it is one of the few examples of the addition of a cute kid that has ever been successful, B, because she evolved into a kick-ass character, and C, because she has a dragon. Kitty Pryde has a motherfucking dragon. Is it purple? Yes, regrettably. Is it better than a space-monkey? Are you shitting me? Of course a dragon is better than a space-monkey, that is just a fact of science.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me: Would you rather have a saccharine cute dragon, or a retarded primate?

You: Dragon is an option? Dragon!

Me: You can have the monkey and a billion dollars.

You: Dragon!

Me: Both are pretty useless.

You: Dragon.

Me: Both are purple.

You: DRAGON!

Me: If you take the monkey, I’ll give you a dragon.

You: Dragon! Only dragon…or else…

Enough talk. Let’s fight! Here’s how it goes down:

Into the arena both teams go. Right of the bat, Gleek finds a chair to dry hump, and The “Wonder” Twins rush over to see if they can pry their monkey off. Yes, they have powers, but they are too distracted by their jack-off monkey to do anything. Bad news Super Friends, now someone has to babysit the teenage kids, and stop them from getting seriously killed.  They aren’t listening to Mom, so better send in Supes to give the kids a stern, boring, Americana lecture about planning. He’s out of the fight, he’ll be busy for like, forever. Maybe Jan and Mike Brady, or whoever, will eventually turn into an ice gondola and a purple eagle (purple!)- unless someone has stolen all of their rings- Gleek? Arrrgh! You infuriating primate! Gleek stole all of the rings, both from the Wonder Twins and The Green Lantern- That means even if GL could help (which he can’t, because of the rules about no additional team members that I am adhering to strictly), his ring would be covered in purple space-jizz.

Meanwhile, Aquaman (checks to see if anybody cares, moves on)…

Kitty Pryde is not sitting around doing nothing. She punches Wonder Woman right in the breast. POW! Straight to the boob! An infuriated Wonder Woman spends the rest of the fight purposelessly trying to hit Kitty Pryde in the box. This fight lasts until one of them gets too hungry to continue, and the their eyes meet. Kitty Pryde, and immovable object, Wonder Woman, and unstoppable force. Kitty, young, inexperienced, just freshly 19 years old and back with the X-men, her kick-ass ninja skills opening Diana’s eyes, and heart.  Wonder Woman suddenly sees something she never sees in the DC universe- a strong woman, a challenge. Kitty Pryde sees a woman she can respect.

There is a fight going on, but there is a spotlight on Kitty Pryde and Wonder Woman, at the center of the arena. “Dreamweaver” is playing.

“You fight well, young mortal, but you must learn honour,” says Wonder Woman.

Kitty Pryde’s uniform has been irreparably torn in the battle. “I rarely meet a worthy opponent.”

“Join me. I will be your teacher.” Diana, Amazon goddess, is then suddenly  wearing a hot teacher outfit. Probably with really well tailored grey wool pencil skirt.

“Perhaps only you can teach me what I must learn,” says Kitty Pryde, as she is inexplicably re-dressed in a catholic school-girl uniform.

Yes, I know I have written this kind of storyline before. Stop reading if you are so bored.

Diana puts her hand up to Kitty Pryde’s face. She strokes her cheek, and pulls her close. “Only a woman can guide you,” she says, as she draws Kitty yet closer, pulling back on her hair just slightly- roughly at first, the smell of the sweat from the battle on both of their skin, and then gently, caressing her.

“We never had lessons like this at Xavier’s school,” moans Kitty. Even Aquaman isn’t as wet as she is.

“That bald fool doesn’t have a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Now,” says Wonder Woman, “tell me what you really want…”

If you want more, send me a goddamn cheque, or click on our advertisers.

Anyhow, our winner is the X-Men, because I’m tired of the “Batman always wins” paradigm too. But the real winner? The real winner is you, fair audience.

Winner: The X-Men featuring Kitty “You Can’t Hit What Isn’t There, But You Wish You Could Hit That!” Pryde.

Loser: Hanna-Barbera, The Colour Purple.

admin_Rock

So, a battle that we can finally sink our teeth in to. It’s been a long time coming. See the problem with building a bracket from entirely fictional things is that if you do it randomly, you’re stuck with the luck of the draw. If you select specific teams for specific slots, you’re chastised for setting things up. So we tend to stick to the random method. Which leads, for some reason, to being chastised for setting things up. Anyways, I think my smackdowns of late have been too much catering to the internet crowd, so today, it’s just for me.

The Arena draws to a hush as the teams enter. The crowd is filled with with spectators, some of them former JLA members, the majority made up of othe X-Men, 6000 strong. The horn goes to start the match.

The Flash moves at imperceptible speed, ravaging through the X-Men, taking one after another down in less than a heartbeat. He stands over their collapsed bodies, blows on his knuckles, and waits for his teammates to congratulate him.

Sadly, this occurs only in his head. In the arena, Jean Grey has entered his mind, and is holding him motionless, but since she is kind and hot, and it makes for a better story, she’s also projecting these things in his head.

Colossus heads straight for Superman and tries to restart the Cold War. Knowing that Superman is ultimately stronger, he relies on his artistic soul and his spirit to carry the day. Their battle continues on…

Cyclops is firing optic blasts at everything in sight, forcing Batman on to the defensive, as he dodges and weaves through them, trying to get closer to Cyke.

Wolverine is barreling through the middle, heading for Aquaman, who is still trying to figure out how he pulled this duty, rather than, say, Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. He sees Wolvie coming fast, and gets nervous. Wonder Woman comes to his aid, knocking Wolvie to the ground, and throwing her lasso around him.

“Why are you doing this?” she asks. Forced to tell the truth, he admits “It’s a distraction.”

“For what?” she asks quizzically.

“For Jean and Rogue to do their thing.” He says, smiling.

Wonder Woman turns and sees Rogue walk up to a still frozen Flash, and lay a huge kiss on him, tongue and everything. Flash crumples to the ground, and Rogue starts smiling as she takes stock of what she’s now capable of.

Before she can pull in her breath to say “Uh oh”, she and Aquaman are down for the count, courtesy of the Southern Speedster.

In the meantime, Colossus is in trouble, as Superman is pounding him around the stadium, and Cyclops’s time has run out. Batman closes the distance, and drops him with a well placed karate chop to the back of the head. He turns, ready to move forward with his meticulously well crafted plan, takes note of the location of Colossus, Jean, and Wolverine. Unable to see Rogue, he quickly grabs for his belt, looking for something that will give him vision in the infra-red. As he does this, he feels his brain starting to get hot, and then worries only about finding a drink of water. He walks toward the exit, and Wolverine takes him down with a few quick snickts. Jean’s mind control is proving to be unstoppable.

Now Superman is alone, once again, as he truly always is. Though he tries to fit in, and be one of us, he never will, as he is an outsider. This makes him sad. He grows tired of the distraction of Colossus, and throws him aside. He makes a beeline for Jean Grey, in an attempt to remove her from the fight. as he closes, he bounces off an invisible shield, composed of both Jean’s TK and Rogue’s wall of air. As Supes gets to his feet, he’s knocked over by Wolvie smashing into him, a la Fastball Special. As he rises again, he sees Rogue in his face. She kisses him. “I don’t think you can take my power,” he says. “Because technically, I’m simply strong due to the color of the sun.” “Ah don’t need your power, sugah. But y’all have a nice nap”. A fully powered Superman drifts off to sleep.

The X-men pick up Cyclops, and they all head back to the Mansion for a Claremont era softball game.

Winner: The X-Men

The Internet: Okay Tbinns. Let’s have it. X-men vs. Justice League. Go.

Tbinns: No.

The Internet: No? What do you mean no? It’s Friday. It’s Smackdown Day. You write something, we call you names. That’s how this works.

Tbinns: No. Not today. I don’t feel like it.

The Internet: Then just phone it in like you always do.

Tbinns: Bite me. Piss off, I’m not doing it.

The Internet: Wait a minute, are you…are you SULKING?

Tbinns: No, I am not sulking. I just feel like staying here in the bedroom with the door shut playing Moving Pictures over and over and writing letters to people I hate while stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies that have a little bit of jam in the bottom of them.

The Internet: The chocolate coated ones that look like a bowler hat?

Tbinns: Yes.

The Internet: Those are awesome. Can we have one?

Tbinns: No, fuck off.

The Internet: Awwww…what’s the matter little buddy?

Tbinns: Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m certainly not upset because the Defenders got knocked out, after I SPECIFICALLY put them in the tournament so Superman could get completely fucked up the ass on both a magical and sub atomic level. Why would I be upset that the Hulk, one of my personal favourites was dismissed completely because SOMEBODY that writes for this site is uncomfortable with the fact that he has fantasies about putting Namor’s ankle wings behind his ears and doing a little submarining of his own. So he writes about how much he hates him, dismisses the Defenders completely, then overcompensates by writing superheroine lesbian erotica.

The Internet: Ooooookaaaayyyy….so you’re not going to post anything?

Tbinns: No, if I do, you’ll just complain anyway, and my Defenders are out, so what’s the point?

The Internet: So, we’ll just put you down for the Justice League then, and move on?

Tbinns: Uhhhh…no.

The Internet: No? You are voting for the X-men? So we were right all along, and you don’t know anything about comics AT ALL? And you are a douche bag and you aren’t funny or entertaining and we can sardonically refer to you as a “writer” in quotes, and call you a cocksmoker because Fark doesn’t greenlight our blog and we deeply resent you?

Tbinns: Well, IF I were writing today I would have to point out that the whole thing depends on taking out The X factor. In this case, Batman and the “Batman has a plan for that.” argument. Admin Rock will tell you all about it, if he takes his lips off of Bruce Wayne’s ass long enough to.

The Internet: Boy you ARE in a pissy mood.

Tbinns: Observe carefully people.

Before the bell goes and the fight officially begins, Wolverine lights up a stoagie and strides to the centre of the Arena. He holds his hand in the air. Slowly a microphone comes down from the ceiling.

WOLVERINE: Listen up candy asses. As of right now, I’m only interested in ONE of you. Two if you count the Amazon broad, but we’ll save that one for later. Right now, I just want to go one on one with your best.

Superman takes a step forward…

WOLVERINE: Not so fast Boyscout, I ain’t talking to you. Batman. I’m calling your ass OUT.

The crowd goes apeshit. Wolvie smiles.

Because the Batman does have a weakness. Pride. Time and time again he tries to go toe to toe with physically superior foes, only to get his ass kicked. Then he comes back later to defeat his enemy using smarts rather than brawn. (See the Mutant Leader in Dark Knight, also Bane)But his instinct is to punish, to beat them down physically. There is no way on God’s green earth Batman will back down from this. Any plans he may have had, any elaborate schemes he’s been plotting just went out the window.

SUPERMAN: Bruce, we are a team…don’t let him goad you into anything stupid…

But Batman shoots him that look. It’s too late. Damage has been done. Batman walks out to the middle of the arena.

Snikt.

“Let’s see what you got, bub.”

Crowd goes wild, and it’s a blur of claws and cape…

The two go toe to toe for several minutes back and forth, when the buzzer sounds.

Flash disappears, looking to help Batman and take Wolvie out, but he is stopped, he hits the ground at Wolverines feet, taken out with a football style tackle.

Because Pietro gave Rogue a nice, long good luck hug before the match. And now she’s giving him the very same hug. A good long, draining hug. Flash is on the floor dizzy, and weak when Rogue knocks him out.

Superman flies straight up, only to grip his head and drop back down to the floor. Jean is in there good and she is fucking him up.

Cyc blasts away at Aquaman, while Colossus makes a beeline for Wonder Woman. He knows he’s not going to beat her, he just has to keep her busy, which he does admirably.

Rogue now has the Flash’s powers, she is zipping around doing all kinds of damage. She takes out Aquaman. Ties up Wonder Woman at super sonic speed. Then she zips up to Superman and gives him a gentle touch as well.

The Wolverine Batman brawl has spilled out into the crowd, the lobby, the street…

Superman finally manages to shake off Jean. He is drained, weakened, disoriented, and facing Rogue, who now has his powers, Colossus, and a continuing onslaught of psychic attacks from Jean. That’s when Cyc adjusts his visor to the new modification that Beast gave him. The one that focuses the beams through kryptonite.

“Let’s finish it up” He says.

And THAT is how the X-men beat the Justice League.

So IF I was writing an article this week that’s how it would go. So put me down for the X-men, and fuck off.

But if you are going out, I could use another package of Mallow cookies.

P.S. Somewhere in the distant hills, Batman and Wolverine are still fighting it out.

Winner: The X-Men

Decision: The X-Men

And so, the The X-Men defy the odds and move on to face the Avengers in what will assuredly not be a repeat of the terrible mini series of decades past, nor the equally terrible Utopia of only a few years past.

Comments are welcome below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week it’s the X-Men versus the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! Same but different! Old versus new but written old!

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

The full bracket can be seen here

On to Week 4:

TEAMS

WEEK 4: X-men (Cyclops, Wolverine, Jean Grey, Colossus, and Rogue)

Versus

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Mina, Quartermain, Mr. Hyde, The Invisible Man and Captain Nemo)

RobbieRobTown

This is the fight I am excited about. I have been waiting quite some time for this. “RobbieRobTown excited?” You ask, incredulous. Yes. This is as excited as a man without any apparent genitals gets. So, it’s The Claremont era X-Men, vs our second Alan Moore team, the LXG.

Thank Christ, may I say, that we aren’t dealing with Stan Lee era X-Men, who were are glorified Riverdale Gang.  No wonder the X-Men were shelved for five years. Not only does Cyclops have a crush on Jean, but so does Xavier. Yeah, That’s right, Xavier wants to bone Jean Grey. Look that shit up. It’s canon, assholes. Gross. That’s like Mr Lodge wanting to bone Betty. I’m not even sure I’d bone Betty, she obviously has self esteem issues, and Veronica is probably bipolar. In fact, I fail to see the appeal of Archie, but I also fail to see the appeal of Beast. FYI, did you guys know Beast didn’t get smart until about 4 issues in? He was just another Thing until then. Once again, Stan Lee, why do we love you? Also read this, goddammit:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/correctness/dark-betty-saga-pt-3-crisis-in-infinite-riverdales/

Claremont was at the top of his game during these years, and I emphasize during these years, because anyone who has read X-Men Forever knows that he was recently clubbed over the head, and his doctors comb through his stool samples for script ideas. If Chris Claremont was a flavour of ice cream, he’d start out strawberry, and end up ballsack. That’s some decadent ice cream. It is literally decadent. Nonetheless, Claremont wrote a mean comic book during these years, and he is the only author I know who frequently uses the word “stygian”. I’m not sure if that is good or not. Claremont does have his flaws. If you feel Marvel overpowers their characters in general, Claremont overpowers his ladies. Dark Phoenix? yeah. Storm? yeah. Even Kitty Pryde is getting the Claremont treatment these days, what with the Wolverine claw…

Alan Moore as a writer has his own unique issues, and I think I can best reveal my concerns about his narrative choices in the ring:

The lights come on (I know the lights are already on, it’s a stadium, why don’t you go fuck yourself, because not only can I not afford to attend live sports, but I’m home every Thursday night writing my “hilarious” “blog”) and our teams enter the arenas from either end, and the fight is on!

Right off the bat, Hyde comes barreling up to Phoenix and tries to rape her. Bad move, she’s psychic, and she melts his brain by making him have an incomprehensible cosmic experience. Yeah, canon.

It’s not over for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Next up it’s the Invisible Man, who rushes in and attempts to rape Storm. Jean however is in psychic contact with Phoenix, and she warns Storm, and Storm can fly. On the ground, we can see tiny puffs of dust where the Invisible Man is repeatedly jumping up to reach Storm like a puppy jumping for a milkbone. Then he is electrocuted through the dickhole.  Yeah, canon

Quartermain steps out for laudanum. Then he tries to rape himself. Yeah, canon.

Mina is not about to get raped by anyone again, this issue, too much. That’s why she attempts and manages to rape Cyclops, who she turns into a vampire. Now this fight finally gets interesting. Claremont’s Cyclops often gets turned into things (Yeah, canon). Now Cyclops is shooting vampire eye-force beams at everyone, and he turns the whole audience into vampires that all immediately start raping each other.

Hold the phone though, Wolverine loves to break up a rape, and he kills a lot of vampires. Still, things are looking grim for our X-Men until Phoenix visualizes the League and all the vampire rapists dead. And then Phoenix blows up the planet to be thorough (yeah, canon).

Oh, sorry, and Colossus just sits around and is shitty and Russian and metal, and Rogue touches Mina and rapes her for good measure.Where is Kitty Pryde in this line-up? Not narratively necessary. You can’t rape what you can’t touch, and the Invisible Man likes ‘em young because he is a classy rapist (yeah, canon).

Oh, and Nemo goes to find his son. (Yeah, canon).

Winner: X-Men
Loser: Alan Moore’s weird unpleasant fantasies.

admin_rock:

A few words about Alan Moore, before we get too far: He’s brilliant, and frickin crazy. Between The Watchmen and The League, even Top Ten, he’s proven that he can write team books like no one else. Seriously, without The Watchmen, the “modern age” of comics looks pretty damn different. All of this angsty posing, heroes with emotional crisises, and arcing storylines with future ramifications, for better or worse, can find their genesis in Moore.

Yes, he’s bugfuck crazy. Yes, he’s creepy and you’d be uncomfortable spending time with him alone. But honestly, any comic fan worth their salt would kill for a body of work like his.

On to the X-Men. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for them, I suspect due to the Claremont days. That makes it especially hard to see the lazy monstrosity that is X-Men Forever. Back in the day, the X-Men was a glorious book filled with win. Apparently, his ethos has changed from writing characters with personalities and situations, to playing “what if” with craptastic results.

Onward:

This fight is tricky. On a bright summer day, while lunching, The Correctness determined that a Team Smackdown was in order. While composing the bracket, we all thought it would be a great idea to include The League. It was a brilliant lateral thinking move. AT THE TIME. Now, I’m faced with having to write out this battle, which, while this complaint has been made in previous weeks without nearly as much justification, is ridiculously one sided.

For you see, the League is composed of the following: A once powerful man who no longer fits in with the world, an annoyingly snooty woman, an Indian guy with lots of cash and cool ride (Damn, this could be the Justice League), and two guys with actual powers. Griffin is able to become invisible, which is pretty cool. Hyde is pretty badass.

But they’re taking on the X-Men, who are never a pushover. Frankly, if Hyde was excluded, I think The Correctness could probably take The League, bolstered by our own cleverness and years of table top gaming.

So this is how it goes down:

Jean Grey walks to the centre of the arena. The League are all there, confused by the lack of attendance by the X-Men. At hte horn, Jean Grey unleashes a psychic blast that takes out Quartermain, Harker, and Nemo, and possibly Griffin, though he’s invisible. Hyde rages, as he does, and leaps toward Jean. He’s slammed to the ground, courtesy of a fastball special. Wolvie and Hyde go toe to toe, Wolvie slashing bits of Hyde off, Hyde getting mad and throwing and slamming wolvie around.

Jean is grabbed from behind, and struggles with her invisible assailant. Rogue saunters out in a bikini, which gives the Victorian Griffin a super boner. He rushes over, and grabs Rogue, which renders him unconscious, and Rogue invisible. She heads over to help Wolvie, and the two of them pummel Hyde into the turf.

Cyclops sits at the side, being a douche as usual, and Colossus draws something sensitive, remembering that he once had a character, before Claremont gave up and started phoning it in.

Winner: The X-Men.

Tbinns

Oh Robbie Robtown, surely you are exaggerating.

There is so much more to Alan Moore than great characters of classic literature fornicating. The guy’s a genius …I mean look at him, is this the face of a man obsessed with raping plucky heroines of days gone by?

AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!REGISTER IT!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!HE’S CLIMBIN IN YOUR WINDOWS!! HE’S SNATCHIN YOUR PEOPLE UP!! HIDE THE KIDS, HIDE THE WIFE!!!

Okay, so he looks creepy. And he did write a porn comic featuring three fairy tale heroines. And he probably read Little Women and said “This is bullshit, where’s all the rape?”…and there’s a good chance his next project involves Tintin and Snowy double teaming Heidi in an isolated chalet in the Alps.

But that doesn’t mean he is a creepy rape obsessed weirdo.

Alan Moore is the creative force behind….Oh hang on… Sorry… The Correctness has just learned that Alan Moore insisted on having his name taken off this particular Smackdown.

Hardly surprising. Perhaps it’s for the best.

so LXG vs. The X-MEN

Right off the bat, I’ll have to say you can probably count the Invisible man out of the fight. He’ll say that he’ll be there, they will THINK he’s there, but he is a two timer and will probably be off somewhere checking someone off of his “To Rape” list.

That leaves us with Captain Nemo…without his submarine. So not much help there. Alan Quartermain, who while not technically a rapist, has raped several continents in the way only a classic imperialist could. Mina Harker, who after getting it on with a dude who was centuries old, hooks up with Quartermain because apparently he is the next best thing. And Mr. Hyde, or as I like to call him “Rape Hulk”

On the other end of the stadium: Wolvie, Rogue, Colossus, Cyclops, and Jean Grey.

Hyde comes barreling over, Colossus meets him halfway, and they start to pound the living shit out of each other.

And that boys and girls is the closest thing this comes to a fight, which is why everyone else stands around and watches it for about ten minutes, just to give the crowd their moneys worth. Because immediately after that the X-men plow through the League like they aren’t even there.
It’s a full on pasting that lasts all of about 7 minutes. It would have been two minutes if Mina hadn’t put up such a fight.

Winner: X-Men, and every female character in literature.

DECISION: The X-Men

The X-Men move on to face the Justice League, which will prove a bit more difficult for them. However, that will have to wait, as next week, the first semi-final features The Avengers vs The Defenders. Join Us! Rant below!

Here at The Correctness, we have access to all kinds of information that the common man is unable to access. Yes, ALL KINDS. We have spies, moles, quislings, carrier pigeons, and heavyset dudes with cameraphones parked out in strategic locations.

All of this so we can bring you breaking comic news as it happens. Today’s exclusive, the plotlines from Marvel comics for the year 2011. Read on, True Believer!

AVENGERS: With the recent reformation of the Avengers following Dark Reign, Marvel has introduced a number of books: Avengers, New Avengers, Secret Avengers, Avengers Academy, Pet Avengers.

NEW: This coming year, Marvel introduces Friends of Avengers, I was an Avenger, Working for the Avengers, Avengers Polling Well in the 18-25 Demo,Avengers: Miami, Avengers SVU, The Late Show with the Avengers, The Walking Avengers, Avengers II: Electric Boogaloo. (Note: Wolverine will be featured in ALL of these titles).

PLOTLINES: The Avengers will head in to action this year against such noted villains as Kang, Hydra, Kang, Red Skull, Kang, and Doctor Doom, who turns out to be Kang in disguise. Also, the team will be disbanded after they discover the new Captain America has been employing illegal immigrants. Later, they will reform into Gold and Blue strike teams (each featuring Wolverine), and a special “secret” team, led by Wolverine. After Chris Claremont complains, those teams will be brought together in an event book called RE-REASSEMBLED!, which will see the team combine into a giant fighting force of 68 members, all with the single goal of stopping Kang.

FANTASTIC FOUR: The Fantastic Four will lose a team member this year, in a storyline designed to shock the Marvel Universe to its very core.

NEW: No new titles to be added, as the “Rebirth” of the FF will be saved until after the Avengers have worn out their welcome.

PLOTLINES: After the tragic death of Sue Storm Richards, the Team is in the verge of being torn apart with guilt and accusation. At the behest of Valeria, Logan comes to the team and through lengthy discussion, unites them as one, and agrees to stay on permanently. Ben Grimm will also be cured, allowing him to revert to human form. For 3 issues. Then, it’s back to rocky for him.

X-MEN: The X-men are attempting to recover from the aftermath of Second Coming, which brought the end of Cable, and the restoration of mutants on earth through the “trigger” power of Hope.

NEW: Only 5 new titles in the X-Universe this year. Logan’s X-Universe, Deadpool: “I’m the Lobo of the Oughts”, Deadpool: “How is No One Sick of Me Yet?”, Wolverine: Dark Pants, and X-ercise.

PLOTLINES: The X-men struggle trying to gain acceptance in a world that doesn’t want them, regardless of how many times they stop the destruction of the planet. Magneto is affected by an EMP pulse, and becomes evil once again, until he knocked on the head by a falling tree, which allows him to regain his gentle side and join the X-Men once again. Also, Mr. Sinister is attacked by the Sentinals, which causes him to shift allegiance, and join the X-Men. While squaring off against the remnants of the Hellfire Club, a sudden change of heart leaves the X-Men scrambling to find enough bedrooms on Utopia.

THE REST

Titles like Spider-Man, Daredevil, Iron Man, etc will also be seeing some changes this coming year.

Spider-Man will permanently become partners with Wolverine, solving mysteries from a small detective agency. A lot of the “heat” will come from the will-they-or-won’t-they aspect.

Daredevil is moving in a new direction, with the title character in charge of the Hand. He will begin franchising out, with at least 6 different teams (all of which include Logan).

Iron Man will move in a radical new direction, as Tony Stark will be killed off, and replaced with a mysterious Canadian character, who will redesign the gauntlets to allow for a certain natural feature.

That’s all the news we have from Marvel, though we’re hoping to hear back from our inside man at DC, who teased us with the following: “Hey guys, big news from DC, can’t say too much yet, but check this: 10 new titles, all written by a certain fellow with the intials G.J.”

See you Soon!

Here at The Correctness, we sometime find ourselves under pressure to produce comedy without having time to develop it into the knives of hilarity which shatter your glass eyes of sadness.

However, unlike other members of The Correctness who would never share their secret perfumes and delicate underthings of amusement, I, RobbieRobTown, am willing to expose my intimate knowledgepenis of producing the haha with limited time. There is, you must know, a formula- an honest to goodness formula, for producing comedy on the quick!

The formula works like this:

1. Hilarious premise.

2. Weirdify language use.

3. Funnification.

5. Missing numbers.

7. Goat

So, first, like it says on the list there, right up there, like the one you just read,up there, no not there, THERE jackass, you need a funny premise. Now, I know a lot of you pooh-pooh (poo-poo?) premise based writing, and prefer something observational. Allow me to demonstrate why observational humour lacks punch sometimes. Here is an observation from my own life:

I am going to die lonely.

For observational humour to be effective, you need to have good things happen to you so that you can recognize the contrasting, and therefore funny, bad things. So that’s why I love premise comedy! How do you bake a tasty premise? That’s easy. Just think of something that would actually be a little awkward, but then treat it in a dismissive and glib fashion. Try one of these awesome premises:

The second hand washing machine you bought has a homeless puppy in it!

Your sister leaves you with her baby, but you have a hot date planned, and for some reason you being responsible with children would be unattractive to a woman.

There are rabbits under your deck, but those wacky bunnies are too cute to call pest-control on!

You go to check your mail, and when you get back, someone is raping you!

See? It’s easy to come up with premises, and it completely saves you from from the horror of observational jokes.

The next step is to weirdify language use. Why not take adjectives and use them as verbs? “I’m going to blue you hard”, is funny, or “stop trying to fluffy my wife!”, or “you’re going to die alone”. It also works when you make things that aren’t adverbs into adverbs. You can do that lotsly and squidly, and it will always bring funny to your work.

The next part of the process is funnification. This is the part where you really bring the funny in. Normally, this is where I make a poop joke, or swear a lot. You could also reincorporate something from your earlier writing, like “I should go check the mail”.

FInally, step seven is goat. Goats are funny.

Hope that helps you all. Cock.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





QuarterFinal: Wolverine vs Shadowcat

(ED: For the Quarterfinals and beyond, we assume the combatants have some knowledge of the others existence and powers. We assume they have about 2 days notice of the impending battle.)

DAVE

The hardest of the fights so far, student vs mentor. Kitty spent a lot of time under Logan’s wing, and knows a lot about how he operates. She’s an extremely intelligent woman, and a skilled fighter. She was trained in the ways of the ninja and can hold her own in a fight. She’s a great tactician, and has a fire breathing dragon for a pet. Oh, and she can walk through walls and make things incorporeal.

Wolverine is the embodiment of fierceness and aggression. He’s been in more scraps than most (way more), and has seen a lot of things in his day. With the near-unbreakable skeleton and the healing factor, he’s very difficult to stop. He doesn’t quit, he has tons of stamina, and claws that can cut through pretty much anything.

here’s how this plays out:

Kitty walks out into the middle of an abandoned lot, kneels on the ground and waits. Logan walks up.

LOGAN: Heya kiddo. How ya keeping.

KITTY: I’m good Logan. You?

LOGAN: Can’t complain. Look, I don’t like this any more than you, but this is the way it has to go down. I’m sorry darlin’, I love you. (pops claws) Snikt.

KITTY: No Logan. You’re wrong. That’s not how it’s going down.

LOGAN: Look kid, you know and I know there’s no way that you can hurt me, and you can’t phase through me without hurting yourself.

KITTY: You know Logan, you’re the best fighter I know, and you’re right, there is no way I can phase through you, or outfight you. That’s why I brought this. (Opens hand, showing a small cylinder with a red button on the top).

LOGAN: You’re gonna blow us up?

KITTY: (with a tear in her eye). Nope. CLICK

Kitty presses the button and phases underground. At the same time, a tremendous thrumming noise is heard, and part of a nearby wall crumbles away, revealing a 2 story high supermagnet. Logan looks, confused, then his eyes widen and he is launched through the air, slamming into the magnet, where he remains, immobile.

Kitty reappears, walks over to the magnet, and smiles at Logan.

KITTY: I have this sword made of Antarctic Vibranium, which we both know can liquify your adamantium skeleton. But we also both know I’m not going to use it. In fact, in order for me to win this battle, I’d have to hurt you, which we both know I’m not going to do. So here it is: I yield.

LOGAN: What? But, you have me where you want me.

KITTY: Logan, that magnet can’t hold you forever. In fact, it’s drawing so much power, the neighborhood is already starting to brown out. Like everyone, you underestimated me. My plan was never to beat you. It was to make sure you didn’t beat me. I don’t really want to die.

LOGAN: So you’re giving up?

KITTY: Listen, when I heard we had to fight, I did some research. The website was ridiculously easy to break in to, and I saw the previous decisions, and the upcoming bracket. I’ve seen what’s coming, and if anyone has a chance from our universe, it’s you. By virtue of that, and the fact that I can’t actually win, I give up.

The magnet stops, Logan falls to the ground.

LOGAN: So what now?

KITTY: You have to win. By the rules, you have to incapacitate me. You just needed a little reminder of what could have happened if you ever piss me off.

Logan smiles

LOGAN: You’re one hell of a woman, kiddo.

KITTY: I had a great teacher. No bruises on the face, please.

Logan cuffs Kitty across the back of the head. She slumps down, unconscious.

Winner: Wolverine

ROB:

Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned. Like, I know you wrote “Admin_Rock’s Guide to the Gayest Shit You’ll Ever Hear In Your Life” but that limited run self publication was not even 1/4 as gay as this.  And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.

Now, on to my highly relevant stats from my 1990 Marvel cards:

Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat, is 5’4″, which is an inch taller than Logan is. That’s right Marvel says so.  Advantage, Kitty.

Logan, apparently weighs only 195 pounds, which means adamantium is an unusually light metal, and possibly an alkali metal, and possible reactive when exposed to water, or his own innards. Logically, Wolverine can’t exist because of the incontrovertible scientific evidence that adamantium is just like cesium. . I know what you are thinking, how come adamantium is unrealistic, but a teenage babe turned young adult heroin who can become incorporeal is okay? Because, that’s why. Advantage, Kitty

As of 1990, Kitty had a 57% win ratio, whereas Wolvie had a 64% win ratio in battles. Wolvie usually fights Marvel’s most sinister bad guys, and they never face the really tough guys off against Kitty. Logicaly, they never make Kitty Pryde fight the awesomest super villains because she would kick too much ass. Advantage, Kitty.

Here is how this goes down.

1. Kitty and Wolverine fight, even though they have no reason to.

2. Kitty phases Logan’s adamantium-bone-free penis right off his body.

3. A suddenly wangless Wolverine must painfully attempt to re-heal his doodle, using his XXX healing factor.

Plus, I’ve been saying you can’t hit something that isn’t there. Sure, adamantium might be troubling for Kitty, and cause her great pain, but she is fighting to the totally non-gay death (Admin Rock?) and some short term pain would still allow her to phase Wolvie into the centre of the earth, which is seriously magnetic, and short on oxygen.

Also, adamantium would surely melt at centre-of-the-earth, because they left adamantium in a open topped forge in the Wolverine prequel, so it must melt at just over room temperature, or with common household or industrial heating devices. In fact, based on the science of the recent Wolverine flick, Kitty could just point her hair dryer at Logan, and his adamantium skeleton would melt- Otherwise, he would have evaporated that whole tank of water they built him in, right? I mean, it HAS to have a melting point below the boiling point of water. Healing factor aside, if something gets hotter than the boiling point of water, it makes the water heat up and boil. No?

Finally, at no point was Ellen Page cast to play Wolverine, and that is where my real alliance is.

Winner: By Belief in the Great Radioactive Lantern: Kitty “Shadowcat” Pryde.

Loser: The writers of the Wolverine prequel.

TONY

The real question here is, how do we get these two to fight? We didn’t come here to watch these two catch up on old times, then team up to beat the rest of the brackets. (Or did we…? That might actually be more fun) No dammit we came here for a fight!

So maybe Wolverine makes fun of Twilight which engenders rage in many young women , or Kitty makes fun of the opening number in the Oscars and makes a few gay jokes. Maybe mind control, or some such thing, it doesn’t matter. For our purposes we need them to fight and they are going to, so spare us the “They would never fight each other” shtick.

There has been some mention of Kitty being unable to phase when she’s wet. This opens up a bunch of opportunities for plenty of inappropriate jokes (I guess she couldn’t phase during a Jonas Brother’s concert, for instance) and it would also be a very short fight if Aquaman was still in the bracket. But my research didn’t really turn anything up about her losing her abilities in water. I did read something in the comments section about Sentinels dousing her with heavy water, which even if it didn’t stop her phasing would definitely do her in. 10 years later, but still, pretty insidious. I also read that she has trouble phasing through adamantium

Aha!

Now one of the ways Wolverine can die is suffocation, so grab and phase into the earth… Boom,! Wolvie all done. BUT IF she has trouble phasing adamantium, she would have trouble phasing his entire skeletal structure. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and saying she could phase him, she can only go down into the earth as long as she could hold her breath. And adamantium claws are pretty good for digging your way out of tight spots I should think. Plus if they are both phased, one assumes he can hit her which is what I was saying back at the Deadpool fight.

Bottom line, if adamantium causes her pain when she phases through it, We can assume that the claws will do some damage,(Although not as much as someone who couldn’t phase out) while she has no real way to hurt someone with such a MASSIVE healing factor.

And besides, I don’t even think she won the last fight. Come to think of it, I voted for Spawn to beat Wolverine in the last bracket too. Shows you what I know. And also that nobody around here listens to me.

I’m definitely giving this to Wolverine.

Winner: Wolverine

DECISION: WOLVERINE

So Wolverine moves on to the next round, as the last best hope for the Marvel Universe. Tune in next week to see whether he takes on Superman or Wonder Woman.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

DAVE

Okay, better late than never. Tired after vacation, so I’ll keep this short. Spawn (power-wise) is pretty bad-ass. He’s all magical powered, and demon powered, and suit powered. In fact, the only thing that keeps him from winning this one is that his creator seems like a douchebag of the highest order.

Wolverine is rage and power incarnate. He wades into Spawn, who laughs him off at first, but begins to get more and more worried at his inability to handle the “mortal”. In fact, he’s still trying to figure it out when Wolvie sends him back to hell.

Winer: Wolverine.

TONY

Well I guess it’s up to me, until the others chime in

SPAWN: I don’t like strangers in my alley…

WOLVERINE: I don’t see your name on it, Bub

CLOWN: Get im, Crispy!!!

SPAWN: Shut up Clown

DAZZLER: Get him Wolvie!!

WOLVERINE: I’m sorry, who are you again?

Remember that scene in “ They Live” Where Keith David (David Keith?) and Rowdy Roddy Piper kicked the living snot out of each other in that alley, and it seemed to go on forever, and when you thought it was over it would start up again? Well that’s almost exactly what this would be like. Especially since a) with Spawn the fight would likely take place in an alley, and b) Spawn would sound suspiciously like Keith David. And it would go on and on and on. Spawn can’t be hurt by anything except holy weapons, Wolvie can’t be hurt by anything period. They are both in for a very long day.

If we assume that Wolvie knows what he’s getting into and he goes and gets his claws consecrated or anointed or dipped in a Holy sugar confection or what have you, then we can also assume that Spawn could get a hold of some supernatural demon weapon which would allow him to neutralize Wolverines healing factor via quasi religious hokum. If we assume one has the combination to the Deus Ex Machina locker, than it is only fair to give the other guy the same privilege

So where does that leave us? As much as I would like to say it’s a complete stalemate, I know that’s a cop out. I’ll have to pick one. If Wolvie is vulnerable to anything it would be the Supernatural, but every time I picture Spawn winning the fan boy in me screams “NO WAY!!!”

I have to pick one….

Um…

Oh God Oh God….

NO! Wolverine CAN’T LOSE!!! SPAWN IS OVER RATED!!!

Uhhh…

Oh.

Spawn?

Spawn.

There, I’ve made my choice and I’ll live with it.

Tied at one each, only the Robinator can break this deadlock.

ROB:

Well, I’ll be brief here. Spawn at one point had a limited amount of his creepy spooky hell power, and Wolverine is totally awesome. Also, Wolverine is awesome.

Actually, I purchased and read issue 2 of Spawn, and just really didn’t enjoy it, like, AT ALL, so this is a prejudicial vote. Or even a protest vote.  Give me my 3 dollars back, McFarlane.

Winner: Wolverine.

Loser: Dante’s Inferno sales

Well gang the Superhero Smackdown continues, after a less controversial but still somewhat contested victory for Superman. There has also been a line up change…

As you can see we have removed Aquaman from the competition, as really Namor is the only person he should be squaring off with, and replaced him with Spawn. We were flirting with Spawn vs. Hellboy, sort of a Battle from Hell thingy, but we had our hearts set on a showdown with the Hulk.

We have received some great feedback, keep it coming. In particular, we received one that told us to set the scene a little more carefully, as environment is a crucial factor in deciding who would win. We agree with this and will set the environmental parameters a little more carefully in the future.

We look forward to being called “Dipshits” this Friday. Hulk vs, Hellboy. It’s gonna hurt. Join us, won’t you?

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.