Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.

So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)

Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.

1) The X-men has sucked since Claremont left.

The X-men comic book began in 1963, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. No finer beginning could one wish for. In 1975, after a number of changes in the creative team, a new X-Men team was introduced, and soon after, the writing job was given to Chris Claremont, who would make the job his own from 1975 until 1991, shortly after the relaunch of the book, arguably at the height of it’s popularity. Since his departure, the X-Men have grown larger and larger, spread over more and more books, and have an endless number of characters with an “X” in the their names.

Nerds will drool over the chance to not only discuss the X-men, but to stick up for their favorite team or character, whom will almost certainly fall out of the Claremont years. If anyone mentions Grant Morrison’s run, you’ll know the argument has gone “full retard”.

2) UFC is the closest thing on TV to gay porn

This one might not get the Nerds as riled up as the the others, but the sheer enjoyment of watching MMA advocates defend their beloved grope-fest is worth it. (ed: We’re not making fun of gay porn here, btw, it serves its purpose to those who enjoy it). Try pointing out things like the graceful way the “top” straddles the “bottom”, how even though they’re sweaty and tired, they still seem so happy, and how there’s less blood than you’d expect.

3) Tech Support workers are overpaid, and useless.

This one is clearly untrue. Most tech support workers make next to nothing, and they do tend to solve your problem for you. The joy in this one is watching those who take their job just a bit too seriously become livid and list out the intricacies of their job in minute detail, as though it were akin to national security. Stoke the fire by asking whether it’s okay to use “password” as your password, and whether you can load itunes at work.

4) The upcoming Avengers movie will suck balls.

You can say things like “The Avengers are a cut rate copy of the Justice League”. A group of superheros from the Marvel universe, The Avengers have been around for a long time. Now, over the course of a few years, Marvel has been introducing them in their own films, with a plan to culminate in an Avengers film. Will it suck balls? Who can say. On one hand, Joss Whedon is signed on to direct. On the other, there are a lot of parts to cover, and the success or failure of the next few movies will affect what’s up on the screen. Bad sign: Edward Norton is out as Bruce Banner. Good sign: Mark Ruffalo will reportedly play Bruce Banner. This one will keep them arguing for days.

5) Harry Potter books are for kids.

Hidden away in the middle of the list, due to being a few years past its prime, the Harry Potter argument will flare up like the Herpes of midwestern co-ed after a year in the “big city”. There will be wailing, disbelief, and the gnashing of teeth. You will be told, in no uncertain terms that “anything that gets kids reading is awesome”, that “they get darker as they go on”. Whatever, you’re not here to make a case for your point, some other nerd in the area will take care of that. The books were too damn long, and poorly written for us to care.

6) William Shatner is fucking awful.

The “nuclear” option, this one should be saved until later in the evening, when your favorite geek is about to snap. He won’t even know how to argue this, he’ll just be in shock that anyone could possibly attack his golden calf. For bonus points, attack Shatner’s recordings, and claim that he’s not relevant.

7) Android Phones are superior to iPhones.

Look, it’s pretty clear from Nerd Fight 1 that Apple fanboys will argue to the death the superiority of their companies goods. It’s also pretty clear that most people will, after purchasing any of these insanely expensive devices, find ways to justify and back the one they got. The important thing here is to keep the argument going when it starts to flag. Throw in comments like “why doesn’t Apple ever have expandable memory on their devices” or “Did you know ‘droid’ is a trademark of Lucasfilm?’ That last one could work as a nice crossover into “Episodes 1-3 were better than 4-6″.

8 ) All Star Batman and Robin is the finest Batman work yet.

Frank Miller went from beloved God of comic fanboys to an outcast after some of his hard right-wing jingoistic comments came to light. But even before that, he started alienating fans by publishing All-Star Batman and Robin, a gritty, in-your-face version of our beloved Bats. This Batman is arguably psychopathic, unbalanced, and dangerous. He essentially kidnaps Robin, forces him to stay in the Batcave without food or heat for days. Meanwhile, he’s out nailing Black Canary near the docks. The infamous phrase “I’m the god-damned Batman” came from the series.

The concept for the character is extremely contentious, and sure to start a Batman jihad, especially if you add some discussion of the recent Batman films in to the mix. Say things like “Miller should be directing the Batman films, then they’d be good”, or “Green Lantern must suck if he can be taken out by paint and a tween”.

9) Kevin Smith hasn’t made a good film.

There’s a ton of potential here, and we’re not just talking about Kevin’s weight! (pow!) There’s a camp of people who believe Kevin Smith can do no wrong. There’s another who see a string of average movies that tend to fizzle at the box office. There’s a third camp that are jealous that he’s living the ultimate fanboy life. Also, there’s a girl’s camp across the lake.

For this one, you’ll need to suss out where everyone stands on the subject early. Then, either bring up box office returns, or maybe Rotten Tomatoes scores to fan the flames. You can also take veiled shots at the films themselves by forgetting their names, and describing them vaguely: “What was that one where the characters talk endlessly about dicks?”

10) Comments on blog for nerds shouldn’t be allowed if they’re only “stupid hate”.

This one will take more work than most of you want to involve yourselves in. You’ll need to start a blog, write a bunch of articles that will draw in fanboys, get some of them linked to fark.com, then, after establishing that you will allow pretty much any comment to go unedited, suddenly announce that you’re annoyed with some of the comments, and claim that you’ll be suppressing any that don’t measure up. Oh, and then don’t suppress any of them. Throw in phrases like “stupid hate” and “cum-eating intern”. This will answer the question “is anybody out there?”. Watch as the argument verges on a free speech issue, while examples of comments previously allowed come to light.

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.