Dear Maxim

A well meaning soul recently sent me this link to your 13 hottest nerd crushes. While certainly give you points for singling out Grace Park over Tricia Helfer , out of your 13 I agreed with less than half. This is when something I always suspected became confirmed for me.

Your magazine is clearly written by the same axe body spray wearing, beer guzzling, sport stat quoting, frosted tip quaffed, Spike TV watching, Jock preening, club hopping douche-tards that are your target audience, and clearly they wouldn’t know something genuinely nerdy if they walked up behind it and gave it a wedgie.

Your list gives me the impression that I am being laughed at, rather than with. Yes we are sad and pathetic in a way, but that doesn’t mean we will place not one, but 3 computer generated and or hand drawn FICTIONAL CHARACTERS on a list of our top crushes. Yes, the Greg Horn style super heroine is eye-catching and it sells comics…that doesn’t mean Emma Frost is on my celebrity crush list, and your implication that Aeon Flux IS on my list is condescending.

Well...on the other hand...NO! NO! Stay on topic!

If you actually had a nerd on your staff, there is no way he would have allowed that list to go out without Kirsten Bell on it, not to mention Tina Fey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Selma Blair, Kari Byron, Felicia Day etc. etc. All lists of this sort will be guilty of a few high profile exclusions, but yours seem to point to not knowing what the hell you are talking about. I suppose if you did have a nerd on staff, he probably couldn’t make it to the meeting because you had stuffed him in a locker or something.

And how DARE you imply that we don’t enjoy Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool in Fast Times on the same level as you? The Red Bikini is every bit as sacred to us as the metal slave girl bikini is. Hey, you know who wrote that movie? Cameron Crowe…who is…you guessed it, a huge fucking nerd. (See “Almost Famous” for details. He met you all again on your long journey toward the middle) We were ruining VHS copies of that movie with pausing and rewinding the same as you, probably more, because you were out actually GETTING some.

We love you just as much as they do. Don't listen to them.

So in conclusion, I would ask you to perhaps take the risk of ruining your “rep” by taking the time to actually consult one of my socially maladjusted brethren before creating such a list in future. Thank you for your attention, you may now resume watching 1000 ways to die and Manswers.

Sincerely,

TBinns

P.S. Thank you for not including Olivia Munn, at least.

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

Sure, it’s easy to blame NBC for being complete idiots, and always trying to keep all the talent, even in circumstances that clearly never work. You might be inclined to blame Jay Leno for not just stepping down like he said he would, or refusing to take the Tonight Show. You could even blame Conan, if you ignored Jay’s impassioned plea and were that way inclined. (I am not) I mean after all, he left of his own volition, because he didn’t want to move to 12:05. (Coughcoughintegritycoughcough)

But I think there is a far more sinister force at work here. I have zoomed in on exactly who is at fault for Conan O Brien getting the shaft….

It’s this man….

ANDY RICHTER!!!!!

That’s right, good old lovable Andy is responsible for that whole late night mess.

“But, Tbinns” you’d say if you were to address me by that name, which frankly, I’d rather you didn’t “How could it be Andy’s fault? He’d never screw over Conan.”

Maybe not on purpose. No my friends what happened here is Conan fell victim to what I call The Richter Curse.

Andy is notorious for being involved in awesome stuff that gets canceled long before it’s time.

Exhibit A) Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

The show was hilarious, ahead of it’s time , and featured the ever so lovely Paget Brewster. It had moments of sheer brilliance, and what happened to it? Well first the shifted the time slot and then they shitcanned it all together after just one season.

Exhibit b) Andy Parker P.I.

Critics raved. Hipsters loved it. Canceled after 1 season.

And here are a few other facts to consider. Late Night with Conan O Brien struggled for years before finding an audience…and in those early struggling years, who was by his side? Andy Richter.

That’s okay, you can see him guest on Mr. Show …oh wait… CANCELED!!!!

Hey, guess who guest starred on our much beloved Arrested Development? Oh is that Andy Richter there? CANCELED!!!

Even the Tonight show, that unassailable institution is unable to withstand the power of the Richter Curse. The next time you hear Jay Leno squeaking out “Did you hear about this folks?” in that tone of voice that beats you over the head with the claw hammer of mediocrity…you know who to blame.

“But Tbinns” you say

“I told you to stop calling me that” I say

“But he was in Elf and that was a huge hit” you say

“Well…” I stammer “ Uhhh… shut up.”

Andy, if you are reading this, I beg you…start using your powers for good. Stop picking cool shows to be in. Go do a cameo on Jersey Shore. Be a guest judge on American Idol. Sign up for Dancing with the Stars. Be a corpse on NCIS. Go on Heroes and put it out of its misery. You have the power to make the world a better place… do it Andy. Throw all of your God given common sense and good taste out the window , for all our sakes.

And for the love of God, stay the hell away from 30 Rock.

(Ring Ring)

Oh, excuse me, I have to take this…hello?

WHAT? WHEN?

Liz Lemon’s BROTHER?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
It is too late for her. She is doomed