Normally, The Correctness is an original content only kind of site, and we aren’t the sort to get all link happy. But I think this is a special occasion.

The Avengers trailer just hit.

I think this is an excellent opportunity for all of us Correct heads to get together and have a good old gab about what we think of it. I am particularly looking forward to Admin_Rock’s take on it, as he will be torn between his dislike of the Avengers and his love of Joss Whedon.

As for myself…Fucking LOVED it.

So what do you guys and gals think?

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week it’s the first round of the Semi-Finals! The Avengers vs. The Defenders! The Battle of the Ers.

The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk)
versus
The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp -Janet)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

admin_Rock:

I know most of you are here to see if RobbieRobTown has gone entirely off the deep end, or whether he’s just lazing in the sun in his speedo, dangling his toes in to the water, so no personal stories, no remembrances of these books being read fondly when I was young. I was never a fan of the Avengers, and the Defenders were a cut rate book even then. Hell, I still don’t buy the Avengers books, even though Marvel has gone all X-Men and pumped out 37 Avengers titles per month. They do things like relaunching New Avengers, which caused a 50,000 copy boost for #1, 45,000 of which failed to buy issue 2. But I digress.

The battle begins! Hawkeye and Wasp quickly go to work on Doctor Strange, employing an “all ranges” tactic whereby Wasp gets in close and interrupts Strange with annoying close-range flybys while Hawkeye starts firing arrows at him. Strange is capable of handling such distractions, but the combination is jarring and unsettling to him, such that he’s unable to focus fully, and eventually, an arrow slips through, nicking his jugular, causing him to pass out.

Meanwhile, Thor has launched himself at Hulk, and the two are going full bore at each other. I mean that literally. They are both boring one another fully. Hulk seems to be the stronger of the two, but Thor has a badass hammer, and is making loud thunder booms and such. At any rate, they’ll clearly be at this for a while.

Iron Man and the cut rate Aquaman are flying above the stadium. Namor is attempting to find a weakness in the armor, while Stark is simply running a sub-routine which does exactly that. He fires his repulsors, then flies in, and grabs namor, taking him to full speed, then heading toward the ground, releasing him at the last second, leaving fish brains scattered across the field.

Captain America and Silver Surfer are having a bland-off in the centre of the ring. The Surfer wields the Power Cosmic, but Captain America has a curvy shield with a star on it, and the indignant bluster of an American tourist on his side. He holds off the Surfer’s attacks by dodging and throwing his shield and such. This lasts until Iron Man is done with Namor, and able to assist. The two of them combine to knock Norin Radd off his board, where Cap is able to bring all the power of the US national debt down upon the Surfer’s head, taking him out of the fight.

At this point, it’s everyone vs the Hulk, which is just how he likes it. However, the Hulk can only stand to be around the Avengers for so long, and soon he grows tired of their sub-par banter, and overwritten characters. Cap gets in close enough to remind the Hulk that he’s essentially a grumpy old man from the 40s, and starts on about how things were better back in his day. The Hulk rolls his eyes, distracting him long enough for Thor to give him one between the eyes, while Hawkeye and Wasp stand at the edge, too bland to add anything.

Iron Man pounds away at the Hulk as well, and they force him to the ground. He shakes them off, having recently been overpowered himself for the sake of World War Hulk, and quickly grows tired of the battle. He takes off, looking for the Red Hulk (seriously Marvel, are you fucking kidding me?) and The Defenders are done.

Winner: The Avengers.

Loser: Fans of interesting characters.

Tbinns

According to The Ultimates it takes ALL of the Avengers…at ONCE to take down the Hulk. Just the Hulk, without Namor, Strange and the Surfer.

Mind you according to the Ultimates, Hulk is also very horny and can be undone by a pair of exceedingly tiny boobs. Which means Kate Moss can take out the Hulk easier than Captain America. So let’s not go rushing into accepting Ultimate Universe as canon.

Let’s just say the Hulk and Thor are more than enough to keep each other occupied, so we can take the two of them out of the equation for now. They are beating the living shit out of each other rather spectacularly and it’s very back and forth. Cap, being the master strategist knows that taking out Strange has to be a priority. That’s where he is focusing his energy, I think. That leaves Wasp and Iron Man to deal with Namor and The Surfer respectively.

When the buzzer sounds Thor calls down the thunder on ALL of the Defenders, before launching himself at the Hulk full throttle. However, remarkably, none of the Defenders are hurt. Strange has protected them all. Not possible you say? Well…

Cap whips his shield at Dr. Strange. It bounces off, completely harmlessly. Dr. Strange doesn’t have enough time to defend himself, you say?

Iron Man launches himself and begins blasting away at the Surfer, who manages to evade said blasts. He then uses the power cosmic to rust and disintegrate Iron Man’s armor. Stark drops to the ground, naked, because we all know he goes commando. But, thanks to extremis, Stark quickly recovers, and his spare suit flies from every direction, and he is re-armed and back in the fight in seconds.. until he flies straight into a parallel plain of existence. From whence did this parallel universe portal come, you ask incredulously?

Meanwhile Wasp is making a nuisance of herself with Namor, who is making many grand pronouncements as he uselessly tries to bat away the stinging wasp ray thingies. Until she freezes , completely paralyzed and hanging in mid air. Then, Namor flicks her away. How did Strange manage to paralyze the Wasp?

But…you say, and quite rightly, isn’t Cap keeping Strange way too busy for these little rescues? Well he would be, if he wasn’t fighting the 25 minor demons that have manifested into a small army of Red Skulls that attacked him almost immediately.
But wait, isn’t the timing wrong on all of this? Doesn’t Strange, need time to prepare these spells, how is he getting so much accomplished INSTANTLY?

So that means the rest if the team is free to gang up on Thor, who is eventually overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and by poorly explained powers that were expanded every time the drug addled writers of Dr. Strange had written themselves into a corner.

But before I go, I have to ask, because it’s been going through my head all morning…what was the name of that Olivia Newton John song, that was a big hit on the Xanadu soundtrack?

Yes, that’s it. Thank you Stephen. Is there anything you can’t do? No, actually there isn’t. Therefore…

Winners: The Defenders

Losers: Lovers of heroes with consistent explainable powers.

RobbieRobTown:

Fluid dynamics, basically, is the study of how objects pass through a fluid. Aerodynamics is simply an extension of this, dealing with the science of how objects pass through the air.

Fundamentally, there are two forces at work in aerodynamics. Lift, and Drag.

For an object to achieve lift with wings (yes, I know there are other ways), it must have a sufficient wingspan to generate a difference in air pressure above and below the wing, or, if the object has a very small wingspan, it must travel very, very quickly.

The more drag an object has, the more resistance to lift.

Namor has tiny ankle wings. He has tiny fucking wings on his hairless fucking ankles. He is 200 some-odd pounds of drag (albeit hairless, creepy drag) atop 2 of the most vastly impractical wings ever conceived of by God or Nature. There is only one logical reason that Namor could possibly achieve lift on those feather-and-flightless abominations south of his knees. Namor would have to travel at unfathomable speeds to get up in the air.

Look, lots of superheroes fly, but the ones with wings use their wings to fly. Namor has wings. he has tiny-fuck-miniscule-fuck-ittybitty-fucking wings. That’s okay, he’s a superhero, right? Wrong. He would have to travel so, very, very, very quickly that the friction from his own drag (despite his appalling, pedophilloic hairlessness that would make him infinitesimally smoother) would set him ablaze.

“Namor is a pretty fast swimmer!” You might say. “Isn’t there just as much friction from the water?” Yes, but water has a higher specific heat capacity than air. Also, there is less oxygen for fiery combustion. Also, shut up.

It isn’t just that Namor has those preternatural douche-flaps above his sea-water athletes foot ridden leatherette booties. It is also the fact that he has those ridiculous arching eyebrows and that equally unnerving forehead bulge. What does Sue Storm see in this guy? I know what he sees in her- when he can see her- What he sees in her is the chance for children with normal foreheads. Weird ankle-winged fishkids with normal foreheads and less pomade.

Yeah, she’s got great legs. Not him though. Tiny ankle wings. Plus, what is that speedo made of? scales? How does that action smell when it heats up due to drag?

Sub-Mariner? More like Sub-Human.

Fucking. Hate. Namor.
Winner: Avengers.

Decision: The Avengers

So The Mighty Avengers move on to the final. Tune in next week to see whether they will face The Justice League, or The X-Men.

Until then, mock us and show off your own comic book nerd skills below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have The Mighty Avengers, taking on Canada’s own Alpha Flight.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

The full bracket can be seen here

On to Week 3:

TEAMS

The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp)
versus
Alpha Flight (Guardian, Puck, Sasquatch, Shaman, Snowbird)

NB: Last minute lineup change from Giant Man to Wasp. Impact on you the reader: Nary the slightest.

admin_rock:

The 5 player limit is really hurting Alpha Flight here. See, Alpha Flight proper had 7 members (8 with Marina, but she’s terrible, and we’ll stop discussing her right now). That means either we bring in Northstar and Aurora, which means we have to toss out 2 other members, and frankly, that’s tricky. The goal here isn’t to just load up the strongest possible team, but rather to choose one that embodies that team, that is recognizable as that team. So they have to go, as to bring one isn’t true to their nature, or Alpha Flight.

Now, I’m a big fan of the the first 28 issues of Alpha Flight, because they were written and drawn by John Byrne. Byrne was my favorite writer back in the day, and he also is responsible for my affection for the Fantastic Four. After he left Alpha Flight, things got a little stupid. Then a LOT stupid. Then a new level of stupid we’ll just call “Marvel in the 90′s”.

Here’s what I love about Alpha Flight: They’re Canadian. And by that, I mean that not only are they from locations within Canada, places I recognize and know, but they are also the embodiment of Canada as a nation. There’s an idealistic man with ideas and drive, there’s two Quebecois characters with fiery tempers and a love for their province. There’s a medicine men from the First Peoples who struggles with the ways of the old vs the advancement of science and society. There’s a mystical being who is able to call upon the Great Beasts of Canadian mythology. Oh, and Sasquatch, ffs.

Yes, the later issues turned the whole thing in to a big pile of crap, but if there is one thing Byrne does well, (and Claremont ONCE did well, and I’ll save my rant about him for another day, but he really needs to go back and read, say, New Mutants #1 and remember that he used to write stories about his characters, and those characters used to have desires and drives, and issues to tackle, and they didn’t just slowly turn into fucking Wolverine. ooops. Sorry.) it’s creating characters that have stories, and lives, and interest.

Okay, Alpha Flight love fest over.

So, sadly, after all that, they’re WAAAAAAY out of their league here. While they might have had a shot against the X-men, or even the Defenders on any given day, there’s just simply no way they’re going to beat Marvel’s beloved Avengers.

I’m tempted to get in to a lengthy rant about how much I dislike the Avengers, or even one about how they’re this decade’s X-Men with their 54 separate titles (all featuring Wolverine), but I won’t, as I’ve used up my ranting allotment for the week.

So the fight:

Guardian takes to the air, to order his troops about, but is taken down by Iron Man, who hacks into his suit and shuts it down. Hudson is good, but he’s no Tony Stark.

Puck begins tumbling towards Hawkeye, who gets off a couple of arrows, paralyzing Puck’s limbs with ease. However, Puck’s momentum bowls him into Hawkeye and knocks him out.

Wasp flies up and starts attacking Snowbird, who turns herself into a swarm of mosquitos, who drop Wasp like a bad habit.

Sasquatch lumbers over to Thor, and goes a few rounds with him. (Before you scoff, remember that Sasq once went toe to toe with the Hulk, just for kicks.)

Captain America faces off against Shaman, who opens his bag and calls forth some freaky colored (Byrne is color-blind btw) mystical thing that grabs Iron Man out of the air. However, Cap tosses his shield, knocking Shaman over. Shaman scrambles to grab his bag and control the powers within. By the time he does so, he looks up to see Sasquatch with a Mjolnir-shaped lump on his head, out of the fight. Thor spins his hammer and defeats the mystical bag creature.

Thor squares off against Snowbird, god against embodiment of many gods. An epic battle ensues, with Cap and Iron Man pitching in, which Shaman watches, muttering some First Nations type omens. Snowbird is powerful, no doubt, but she can’t take the combined power of the Avengers. She is overwhelmed. Shaman looks at his defeated team, and sits cross legged in the centre of the arena, surrendering to the Avengers.

Winner: Avengers, John Byrne

RobbieRobTown

Ah, yes, Avengers versus the enigmatic Alpha Flight. An All American team of heavies versus a Canadian team that nearly 4 Canadians are familiar with. You guys know me by now, and you know that I had read a ton of Alpha Flight to get ready for this  event. I came ready to complain, but Alpha Flight was written and drawn by John Byrne during his best years, and I swear to Christ, I actually liked the first 8 issues of Alpha Flight.

Enough has been said about Captain America, and regular visitors to our site know I don’t find him boring in the slightest, as long as by “not boring in the slightest” you are clear that what I really mean is “immensely boring”

Depending on who you ask, Thor is either the god of thunder, or a garden variety schizophrenic street Viking. Get out of my garbage, street Vikings! Let’s say he the son of Odin. Thor is one of 3 Norse gods who get to have a day of the week named after them, so that’s pretty sweet, and Loki didn’t get a day. Although, Odin gets “hump day”, so good on him. Too bad Thor’s day is in between Odin and his wife, calendar wise. I know what you are about to ask, and I think this discussion COULD POSSIBLY affect the outcome of this fight.

Lots of the other Avengers are “interesting”, but before moving on, I would like to ask what the hell kind of last name “Pym” is, and I’m curious to find out why a guy would choose to be tiny first, and only later huge.  I ask for because a friend wants to know how a tiny guy can be compelling… narratively…friend…. I’m worried about my penis size.

Guardian, formerly “Vindicator”, has no powers, really, so he’s not so different from Hawkeye, except Hawkeye sucks. What Guardian does have is a suit that gives him powers like Magneto, and he also has a hot redhead wife, so he should automatically have the support of TBinns.

Defeating Aurora may prove tricky. If you’ve met any French Canadian women, they are typically large eyed, pouty lipped creatures that know EXACTLY how to dress for their body type. That combined with the fiery Gallic temperament and the disarming lower class French accent, and you’ve got your hands full…of boobs… If you’ll excuse me, I’m booking a vacation to Montreal.
Shaman got some bad news about his dying wife at the Chinook Medical Centre in my hometown, and I shop at the mall that has grown up around that building, so I feel connected to that dude. Every time I buy a V neck sweater at the Gap, I think I might have mystical powers.

Oh, and talking head to head, Snowbird is also the child of a god, so she and Thor might actually be an interesting match.

The way I see this fight going down is like this: By weight.

Nobody reads either of these books. Calculating the mass of unsold issues of both Alpha Flight and The Avengers, and creating a ratio based on their intended audience, uh, some mathy stuff, and I think the Avengers probably had a smaller intended per capita audience and similar distribution, so they survive based on being low impact.

Of course, by declaring the Avengers the winner, I’m going to have to read fucking all the early Avengers. Yay.

Tbinns

Very exciting! I’ve been waiting for this one…

So Alpha Flight shows up 10 minutes late because they stopped at Tim Hortons…The Avengers are tense, waiting for them to finish their double doubles, and wondering why they haven’t been offered a Timbit, (“I though Canadians were supposed to be polite” Iron Man mutters) when suddenly, Guardian flies up into the air, Tony Stark flies up to meet him and….

Uh….

No.

No, I can’t do it.

I have been very good so far. I always take the fights reasonably seriously. Try and weigh the pros and cons the best I can, try not to get into off topic rants, do my Wiki based research on anyone I am not to familiar with.

But I cannot and will not give a flying fuck about Alpha Flight, and you can’t make me.

Here in Canada, we have something called Canadian content laws…they apply to television and radio. It allows Canadian artists to not be overshadowed by their better funded rivals to the south by guaranteeing them a certain percentage of airtime regardless of quality. In the case of Rush, the Tragically Hip and the Trews, this is a good thing. In the case of Trooper, Anne Murray and Nickleback…not so much.

Alpha Flight is like Trooper. People liked them for a time in the early 80’s but now they are kind of a punchline. (Wolverine = Rush btw. That’s right. Rush. I said it. I stand by it.Both are Canadian, full of awesomesauce and geeks love them) I refuse to like Nickleback JUST because they are from Alberta, and I refuse to pretend to like Alpha Flight just because they are Canadian.

On the one side of the stadium you have Thor , Cap, Iron Man, Hawkeye and Wasp that is at least a three to two ratio of awesome. And they are taking on a dwarf bouncer, a Native Canadian Dr. Strange rip off, The Wondertwins, and Guardian. Hey Guardian, I didn’t like Captain Canuck the first time. He gets his powers from his tights? Really? What are you the Greatest Canadian Hero? And Sasquatch. Great. Fresh off the set of the Six Million Dollar man remake, I’m guessing.

Anyway back to the fight. I guess.

Guardian flies up, Iron Man flies up to meet him.

“Timbit?” says Guardian

“About time” says Iron Man.

They hover and munch and make polite chit chat… At the end of it, Iron Man says “You know we are going to pound you into a fine paste.”

“Not so my friend” chortles Guardian. That’s right, he’s so lame he actually “chortles” on a regular basis. “Our little conflict here reminds me of the War of 1812. I need not remind you that in that little skirmish, we did, in fact burn down the White house. And your many attempts to invade were consistently repelled by the forces of his Majesty, Now, lest we forget, at the time our fair land was actually two separate colonies, Upper and Lower Canada, the whole thing is quite facina…

Repulsor blast to the face. Crowd cheers.

The only one who doesn’t COMPLETELY get his ass kicked is Sasquatch, who fights so valiantly, the Avengers ask to take a picture with him after the fight, but for some reason it turns out blurry.

Winner: Avengers

Loser: My National Pride

DECISION: The Avengers

It’s a clean sweep for the Avengers…somewhere in Hollywood, Joss Whedon is smiling and doesn’t quite know why. Curious about X-men vs. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Me too. I guess you’ll just have to come back next Friday to find out. In the meantime the talkbacks are below. Let em rip.

“What can men do against such reckless hate?”
-Theoden, The Two Towers

In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

10. She Hulk: The Movie starring Miley Cyrus

9.Namor will beat the living snot out of the Sea Witch in an upcoming direct to DVD Little Mermaid sequel

8.Spider-man will continue the emo/dance number direction he went in the third film, and he will merge with the High School Musical franchise.

7. Stan Lee will laugh at all of us on his private island. Satellite photos will show him drinking a Mai Tai and giving us the finger.

6.Adorable Baby Avenger Dolls will be added to the “It’s a Small World” ride. there will also be lyric changes
“It’s a world of “Hulk Smash”, a world of “Thwipp”, it’s a World of “Bamf”, it’s a World of “Snikt”

5. Donald Duck will be revealed to be a Skrull.

4. Mickey will be added to the Correctness Superhero Smackdown Bracket

3. One of our beloved characters will be turned into a gaudy , tourist friendly Broadway musical, with the music written by some self important pop star that…oh wait…that’s kind of already happening.

2. Wolverine will go back to Weapon X for de-clawing. And neutering

1. Tony Stark, depressed at the recent buyout, will go to a bar to get drunk. There, he’ll find Kermit slouched over his beer. He unsteadily looks up at Tony with bloodshot ping pong ball eyes and croaks…”You too huh?”