Hey folks, Admin_Rock here. So you know how we talk about the Live Smackdown from time to time, but none of you have ever seen it? Well, hold on to your pants, or possibly the pants of a friend, because we have a 3 minute clip for the 2011 Comic Expo craftily edited by RobbieRobTown. (Video shot by the amazing Andrew Phung.)

WATCH! As we move through the bracket.
SEE! Admin_Rock get cut off a number of times.
MARVEL! At the Marvel of it.

Hey kids, Happy New Year and all that jazz. I’m back from vacation in Palm Springs and Mesa, and ready to get going for another year. I see everything went smoothly in my absence… What? No Action Smackdown Final?

Linking the poll at the bottom of the article. You should be able to vote for up to 3 items. If I missed any (pulled these off Wiki), let me know, I will add.

That’s coming this Friday, because I said so. In the meantime, thought we’d look back at the movies of 2011, and yap about those.

Here’s my list of what I saw, and what I thought. My hope is that the other boys will do the same, and you, reader, should also do so in the comments. My REAL hope is that it will spawn an epic discussion, arguments, and someone will get called a cock-nozzle (no fair doing it just because I asked!)

Admin_Rock
My personal list of films viewed in 2011 was a solid C. I missed some of the big ones, and still have no excuse for not having seen them yet, except that at this point, I’m waiting for them to come out on movie channels.

Green Hornet – Wow. What a piece of crap. Gondry is capable of making good movies, but he often stinks the place up. Though the script here was more at fault.

Battle:Los Angeles – I watched about 12 minutes of this, and promptly stopped. Boring, couldn’t bring myself to give a damn.

Paul: Watched this on a plane. It was better than I was expecting. Funny, geeky, I love Simon Pegg.

Suckerpunch: Damn I love this movie. Has that great mix of smarts and splashy. And pretty,pretty girls.

Thor: Thor was….there. Decent enough, but instantly forgettable.

Kung Fu Panda 2: Admin_Rock has a 7 year old, and makes no excuses for going to kids movies. KP2 was actually reall well made, and worth watching. Skidoosh, bitches.

Super 8: Loved it. Homage to Spielberg, so pretty to watch.

Captain America: Fun, different than most Super-hero movies, and very enjoyable.

Crazy Stupid Love: Admin_Rock has a wife and makes no excuses for going to Rom-Coms. This one was really good. That Ryan Gosling, he can do the acting. There’s a scene near the end (should have BEEN the end) of the film where all hell break loose that’s worth the price of admission. Bonus: Emma Stone.

Real Steel: How do you not like a movie about giant robots boxing?

Muppets: Didn’t have the rabid,manic love that many did for this movie, but a solid B. Too much Jason Segal, too much Walter, not enough Muppet moments. But still so worth watching.

For me, the Best of 2011 comes down to Suckerpunch vs Super 8 (which again speaks volumes about my movie watching this year. Now, if you want to compare comic books, I’m your huckleberry, but I was average at best about movies.) So….

Winner: Suckerpunch. It’s the only film on my list that I saw twice in the theatre (both times with RobbieRobTown). It’s a film that many dismiss offhand, but there’s a lot more there, for those that like to dig, and get inside of a film.

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From Cub Reporter Keith

Suckerpunch was easy to dismiss due to the focus on style over substance. But given that I see it as a musical, the Style was the Substance.

I would put it as 2nd Best Genre after my most beloved film of any sort from this year – Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The only film that had me wanting to stay for the next showing the same day. No secret is my love for talking apes movies, and I was so thankful to have such an amazing film join the collection.

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ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Bride vs. the Brit. The Spy vs. the Revenge Killer. The chick in the Yellow Jumpsuit vs the dude in the Tux.

Let’s get it on like Queen’s Rook to Pawn.

Admin_Rock

So, here we are, the Semi Final. I’m running out of things to say about how I thought Kill Bill was about 3.5 hours too long. And the only reason I have to is because Tbinns decided to flip coins to decide the outcome of her last battle. Nothing says “I’m an expert” like “Heads or Tails”.

On the other hand, a pretty cool matchup. We have the world traveling Bride, who has fought pretty much every kind of fight in the sword and Hand to Hand categories. We have the world traveling Super Spy, who has fought pretty much every kind of fight.

Oh, and it’s Daniel Craig Bond, because, of all the Bonds we had to choose from, one of us, who won’t be named, had a massive hard-on for him. Who the hell doesn’t pick Connery?

So, Mr. Modern Remake of the spy and the girlfriend of the famous movie director it is. The horn goes, and they both rush the platform. The bride rushes up the side of it, with a close up of her feet (Quentin has a foot thing). She grabs her Hanzo (with an “o” btw) sword, and turns, striking a pose, ready for combat. Bond parkours up the side of the platform, and ducks a swing of the sword, grabbing his Walther P99 and getting clear. he drops back to the ground, and turns to fire.

The Bride does some dumb-ass walking through the air wire bullshit. She closes the distance, and manages to deflect the first shot. But the second, and third make it through, one driving in to her shoulder, the other grazing her side. She drops the sword, and clutches her arm as Bond smartly refuses to move closer. Unexpectedly, she throws her sword, catching Bond across the upper chest. This rips his shirt, and makes him bleed on his crisp white dress shirt. At this point, he’s had enough, and lays out a pattern of shots that are accurate and deadly.

Winner: Bond

RobbieRobTown:

 A lot of people ask me: “Hey, RRT, weren’t you too depressed to see movies, read comics or go out most of the last 5 years?”. It’s funny you should ask me that AGAIN, MOTHER, because it’s true. I saw Kill Bill and Casino Royale in the same downtrodden state as I had seen everything else in the last half decade. I was probably busy thinking about girls, and my paralyzing fear of them as I watched these movies. It’s hard to remember details, but as I recall, both plots revolve around women leaving me for other men, and feeling too much crushing weight on my chest to be able to eat any of the popcorn I bought.

“But RobbieRobTown, it’s Christmas!” you might say, and I would be forced to concede your correctness. Yes, YOUR correctness, Dear Reader. A Chrismas fight is one of the most blessed types of smackdowns in our otherwise topsy-turvy world.

As I imagine this, the lights are dim, Bing Crosby is playing on the stereo, and Sydney Crosby is playing on the television. The fire is crackling in the arena, as both Bond and the Bride emerge from their dressing rooms, sheepishly attired in their Christmas sweaters.

“Your sweater, my darling,” Bond would begin.

“I know. let’s just get to mother’s house and then we can burn them”, the Bride would say, finishing Bond’s thought.

With a few hours before they had to hit the icy roads and visit family, the two would curl up together in front of the fire and play scrabble. Bond would open with “Q” for 20 points, and The Bride would follow with “Quentin”. the two would throw back their heads and laugh in spite of themselves.

“Champagne?” Bond would ask.

“You’re driving, and we’ll never get a cab if you don’t!” the Bride would reply.

“Then, let’s stay in”.

Then, as I understand sex from the internet, James Bond would repeatedly insert his “penis” into The Bride’s “vagina”. She would respond to this, again, based on my research, by screaming loudly about what a terrible person she is, and how she deserves punishment of some kind or another. James Bond, I can only assume, would then oblige her by producing uncanny volumes of Elmer’s white glue and depositing it in the egg chamber, probably in the next room. Then the bride would would use her ghastly ovipositor to lay a series of eggs which are even immune to the cold of  deep space planets like LV-421.

James Bond would never stand for The British Empire being overrun by hand-vaginas with acid blood, but The Bride would defend her offspring like any Queen should.

It is here that James Bond would have the greatest conundrum. Does he save England, or The Queen? I rather think that if it meant England would go on, James Bond would kill the queen, though it would break his heart to do so.

Just as the Bride begins spitting her weird acid-snot at Bond, Bond would nuke the whole arena from space, I can only presume with the aid of his wristwatch which has a laser, grappling hook, and direct line to the future, because Q gave it to him.

Winner: Bond, all day, any day.

Loser: Ridley Tarantino’s confusing films.

Cub Reporter Keith:

Last Christmas I gave my wife the Kill Bill blu-ray and then bought every Bond so far released on blu-ray. I love all of these films so much. And so I want to try to dump the fight in my brain onto your screen.

The Bride smiles a half smile as she looks at the suited enemy across the arena. Bond checks his cufflinks to make sure he looks the part to face off once again against an enemy he neither hates nor loves. It is just a job for Bond and he will do what is needed by Queen and country.

Not the Bride. She has added Bond’s name to her checklist. She has been told that Bond knew Bill, that Bill still had a gambling debt to repay from a night of baccarat. And that means that Bond will want to settle up the debt in any way he can, including putting little BB in danger.

She can’t allow that.

On the pedestal are a Walter PPK and a Hanzo sword. The opponents approach slowly, taking the size of each other. Their eyes meet.

“It can end now, just walk away,” Bond says.

“It doesn’t work that way. This ends here for one of us.”

“Fair enough. But when the end comes, remember that I gave you a chance.”

The Bride tilts her head slowly to the side until there is a small cracking sound.

“It was over before you ever walked into this arena, Mr Bond.”

Bea strikes fast with a flurry of straight-handed jabs, searching for a weakness. She fails to find one. Bond parries every blow and begins to move around her, his jaw tightening as he keeps pace with the kung fu master.

Bea feigns a turn and catches Bond not by surprise, but by enough of a margin that he loses a fraction of a second responding and she gets hold of his collar. She pulls Bond forward and drives her forehead down onto his nose. Blood spurts out as Bond stumbles backward. The red grows on Bond’s formerly pristine three-piece suit.

The Bride leaps into the air, in a way that some may call flying but in fact is jumping really quite high. Absolutely not flying though. And lands on the pedestal. She grabs both the sword and the gun as Bond retreats a few steps. Bea hops down to the arena floor and tucks the pistol into her belt.

With a flourish, the Bride gives a demonstration of her sword technique to the British assassin, swinging the blade in wide circles. She spins, bringing the blade into striking position when Bond, who appears to have faltered, brings his left arm up to protect himself. Bea sees her opening and lunges with the sword clenched in her right hand, driving the razor-sharp blade into Bond’s forearm to halfway down the blade.

Bond is looking at the ground, breathing hard, as blood pours from his arm. Then, with a sudden movement, he twists his left arm away. The blade, having run through his arm between the two bones, is a victim of physics – levered out of the Bride’s hand in a smooth motion. Her eyes following the weapon, she realizes too late that she is watching the sword while Bond is retrieving his pistol from her belt.

They lock eyes again for just a moment. And the gaze is broken when a third eye blossoms on Bea’s forehead, a blood rose from a 7.65 mm slug.

Bond stands in the arena, a Hanzo sword still lodged in his arm, the smell of cordite in the air.

Only one left. And James Bond of Her Majesty’s Secret Service is ready.

Winner: James Bond, Agent 007

In a rare 3 way, and the only 3 way you will ever hear RobbieRobTown associated with, Bond moves unanimously onto the finals! Stick it in our collective craws below!

ACTION SMACKDOWN! Semi Final 1: Indy vs TMWNN. Let’s get it on like the original Red Dawn.

Cub Reporter Keith

Welcome back, Action Fans! This week we get one step closer to the final battle. This is the geek equivalent of the Olympics for you and the Bataan death march for the judges.

Let’s put them in the arena – I will treat this match as a sequel to the previous matches so in keeping with their own sequels Indy is three years younger and The Man With No Name doesn’t have his poncho yet.

Both men learned from the first round, it’s fisticuffs immediately. Indy yells and dives at the MWNN.

Just a quick aside, I know Admin Rock still hasn’t watched the MWNN films. $10 at HMV for all three films. You can’t go wrong. Seriously, that is cheaper than cupcakes.

The fight is a bit odd in my head. Both of these guys are known for getting beat senseless by people bigger than them, healing up, then winning through a bit of sneaky action. But how do two characters of such similar style fight?

Indy beats MWNN to a bloody pulp while simultaneously being beaten into the exact same consistency. In a momentary break, Indy goes for the guns. He is a fraction of a second ahead of the MWNN and thinks he has the jump on him. But now they are in what’s-his-name’s world. Now it is a shoot out.

In a move so fast it defies film speed to even capture it, MWNN fans the hammer on his single action revolver and puts every slug into Indy’s brown on brown clothing.

The Man With No Name turns to the undertaker who I forgot to mention was hanging out nearby.

“I guess you’ll need one more coffin”

Lighting a cheroote, he walks off, not adjusting his poncho because I said he doesn’t have that yet.

(note to self, don’t forget to Photoshop out poncho before posting)

Winner: The Man With No Name

Tbinns

Admin Rock, in his tender care of this site, e-mailed everyone because he was a little alarmed that no one had as of yet posted anything for this Smackdown . I myself am very busy today studying screen caps from “Love and Other Drugs” so I’m unable to contribute today.

Oh I’m studying them alright.

I did send a text off to one of my stand up comedy buddies, classic observational comedian Shecky Hackstein, who agreed to live tweet the event. Shecky has been in the business since the boom in the 80’s (I know this because he still references Mr. T in the act) and has had the privilege of sleeping on the couch of a guy who opened for Jerry Seinfeld.

Let’s take a look at the live tweeting of Indy versus The Man with No Name live tweeted from the arena by Shecky Hackstein.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Did you ever notice how many Twits are on Twitter?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Here comes Indy. Did you ever notice that no matter what happens his hat always stays on? What’s up with that?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

I remember when live tweeting used to be called “Talking”.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

TMWNN is here. How did they find him? It’s not like you could look him up in the phone book

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

#FF @DonRickles a true professional

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Thanks to Indy’s whip, the Man with no name is now the man with no gun.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Funny, you can grow dates, and you can grow rape…but you can’t grow date rape.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

MWNN is taking the boots to Indy. That’s a weird phrase, sounds like he’s a shoe salesman… “Here you go Dr. Jones, size six”

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Their fighting styles are very different. You know who else is different? Men and Women.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

If The Man with No Name was the Woman with no name he’d be all “Does my ass look fat in this Poncho?” AM I RIGHT LADIES?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

MWNN is strangling Indy with the straps of his own manpurse #menshouldneverhavepurseseveramirightguys?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

I’m starting a new movement. Occupy Morgan Fairchild’s Vagina. Who’s with me, guys? Is she hot or what?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Indy just punched MWNN, I think you can hear it from space.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

If Arnold Swartzenegger were fighting here, he’d be all “I’ll be back” and then he’d father an illegitimate child. #careerterminated

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Indy trying to fight back but having trouble. Just like the girls at Tim Horton’s when they try and take my order

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

It’s a double double honey…Don’t you come from a country where they grow coffee you’d think they’d know that

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Boy Timmy’s is addictive, what’s in the stuff, heroin?

sgtMIKE2 Michael Mazurek

I don’t know what’s worse…the Shecky Smackdown or the coin toss from last week . @FunnyShecky, @thecorrectness

Retweeted by FunnyShecky

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Okay…where did that plane come from? And what’s the deal with the food on airplanes?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

It’s over.MWNN diced by a random plane propeller. Can I have my peanuts now stewardess?

Okay so here’s what really happened. MWNN had gun, Indy had whip, Indy took gun away, Indy shot MWNN. But there is no way on Earth Admin rock would have klet me get away with that. Either way the result is the same.

Winner :Indiana Jones

Loser: Tired old road comics.

RobbieRobTown:

I have already mentioned, Oh Faithful Readers, that I feel like Indy’s vulnerability is his weakness. It makes him more compelling, more fun to watch, we find him easier to relate to. Nonetheless, being vulnerable, no matter how much humanity and depth that gives you, still leaves you, well, vulnerable. God, that line sounded like a line from a televisoon high school weekly drama- You know the kind where the main character writes on their blog, or in the Livejournal account, or what have you, and there is a narration over top of it right at the end of the show? We found out that Dylan or Bethany or whoever learned something about themselves, and we are happy there has been a moral choice made. I think I’m going to complete this smackdown as if it were in the sports page of a high school newspaper, because I’m feeling inspired.

Hey, sports fans! It’s me your intrepid reporter Spiffy O’Mally, with another scoop that’s going to turn your your shoes blue! All you guys know that the Intramural action hero smackdown was happening in the gym this week (Go Goats!) and it sure was a wing dang dilly of a fight!
All the Fightin’ Billy Goats were in attendance, and the smackdown even saw the presence of such school luminaries as Chad Saunders! <3
First Indy came out swinging, shooting first, like he does! Then, TMWNN came hammering in like a saw, and started shooting off his six-shooter like a champagne bottle on grad night!

There was a bit of chat to satrt off the fight, and the trash talk was more trashy than a asomatous asmodeous spectre!

"Listen, we don't have to do this", impuned Indy, inpunefully.

"Hmm?" aborted-out TMWNN.

"We can just shoot each other in the legs, and call it even" , cried Indy, hospitalizationishly...

"..." rallied back The Man With No Name

"Which of you ladies wants to see me take my shirt off?", said Chad Saunders announcedly, to the satisfied cries of many a feminine goats fan- Oh, not me, obviously, I'm a boy- But it got quite the reaction when Chad Saunders finally did lift off his white t shirt and reveal his smooth and unmarked flesh like a roll of sexy parchment with a giant package.

But it was Indy's "can-do" attitude that won the day, because just like our own Fighting Goats, Indy knows how to get a job done! The after party at Chad Saunders' parents house was a real swinging affair, and your own intrepid reporter ducked into the closet for 7 minutes in heaven with an unsuspecting Chad! Boy was he angry when he found out what a hilarious practical joke I had played on him, letting him kiss and caress me for 7 full minutes...

That's enough of that, isn't it? I'm going to give this one to Indy because he is a well rounded character. Part of the fun of the serial adventure story is that the lead character always finds their way out of a bind. INdy is written to be vulnerable, to be sure, but he is also written to be clever, and quick on his feet. The Man With No Name seem calculating enough, but he doesn't have the same good-guy charm as Indiana Jones. Sure, we'd think the tides had turned, and there was no chance for Our Hero, but Lawrence Kasdan knows a thing or two about creating a sympathetic character that wins, plausibly enough, against all odds.

Winner: Indy

Loser probably: Han Solo in a battle with Indy, calling it now, Han is underwritten.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Bride versus Jason Bourne in an episode we like to call: Bourne to be Mild!

Let’s get it on like a black lace thong!

RobbieRobTown:

Last time the Bride showed her face in our smackdown, much discussion was generated over whether or not she has super powers. I don’t think she does, and here is why:

If you think of the Kill Bill films as Kung-Fu movies, then you already know that many kung fu heroes have extraordinary powers. In fact, in the cheesiest B movies you will occasionally see martial-artists, of one variety or another, do backflips up 4 storey pagodas.  So, does she have super powers in the strictest sense? No. She was never bitten by a radioactive lantern, and that is the final word on that. No, no, I said final word.

But, is kung fu kind of like magic? Or The Force? Does the Bride have an unfair advantage? This is where it comes down to suspension of disbelief.

Why is it so easy for us to imagine Jason Bourne is plausibly surviving being exploded out of every single chair he sits in, and yet it seems implausible that everyone’s favourite girlfriend in a coma (maybe not Morrissey’s, but she is made of meat, after all) could kick ass with a ninja sword? By what means does Jason Bourne avoid traffic accidents, given his impressively reckless driving style?

Is it the choreography of the violence which makes it seem less real? Aren’t we talking about movies? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR BATMAN TO DO ANY OF THE THINGS HE DOES?

If we suspend our disbelief for one, I fear we must suspend our disbelief for all.  That means that the Little Mermaid gets to be unaffected by water pressure changes and have musical crabs, and it means that Batman is not just awesome, but defensibly awesome.

Given that we know Batman will always win, except against bacon, who wins this fight between a lithe ninja and a meaty opponent?

My money is on the angry chick, because they always beat me.

Winner: The Bride

Loser: Bourne

REAL winner: The Goddamn Batman.

Tbinns

Many years ago, while dragging ourselves through a dull day at work, discussion turned, as it often does, to gladiatorial combat in the animal kingdom…in this case grizzly bear versus male lion. Figuring it couldn’t hurt, we called the zoo to get their perspective on it. They were surprisingly game, apparently they get those questions all the time. They asked about terrain, who had home turf etc. The answer they gave stuck with me, and I believe it has a great deal of relevance here.

“It depends on who stumbles first.”

One could say that almost anyone can be a bad ass while swinging around a mega sharp Samurai sword, but it takes a special kind of bad ass to fuck somebody up with a rolled up magazine. I can’t think of a better way to tell someone “You are my bitch” than to literally treat them like a dog and smack them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper .

I am also thinking of the wit and wisdom of Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Andre had trouble with fighting the Man in Black because he was USED to fighting groups. Beatrix killed an entire gang of thugs, including the fetishtastic Go Go Yubari,

Go Go indeed

but she also got shot in the chest with rock salt an buried alive because…and this is important SHE UNDERESTIMATED SOMEONE.

Not a mistake one wants to make with Jason Bourne. I would say when it comes to hand to hand combat, they are fairly close. There is no way she’d nail him with the 5 point exploding heart whatsis, because there is no way she’d hit him 5 times in a row. Still, you can’t write off somebody who can pluck out your eye.

Weapons? Well, I think we can agree on a Hanzi and a hand gun. The Bride has come back from being shot before, but it takes her awhile, and the match would officially be declared over. But if she gets that sword first, he’s sushi.

If we postulate that they are evenly matched, and I think they are, then it MUST come down to who stumbles first. So how do we determine that? Simple. Get in a tardis and watch the match 10 times, and whoever wins the most gets to move on in the tournament and the timeline.

Grab your favorite redhead and hop in, let's do this.

Okay, so no Tardis. I was hoping one would find me at this exact moment in time but no such luck. So if they are evenly matched, that means a 50/50 chance that one will stumble…ten coin flips. Heads Bourne goes down, tails, the honeymoon is over for the Bride.

"Hey! That's a GREAT idea!!!"

Who stumbles first? Here we go…

1 tails
1 heads
1 heads
1 heads
1 heads (What is this Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead?)
1 heads
1 tails
1 tails
1 tails
1 heads

With a score of six to four…the Bride is still standing and Jason Bourne is very urgently telling St. Peter at the Pearly Gates “I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM!!!”

Winner: The Bride. And probability.

Admin_Rock

I’ve made no bones about my dislke for Kill Bill as a film, so I won’t go over that ground once again. I will take a moment to express my fondness for Inglorious Basterds. There was some really nice filmmaking at work there. Sadly, I think Tarantino is surrounded by either a dozen yes men, or his own ego, something telling him to go for the easy or the funny rather than what’s best for his film. All the scenes without the Basterds were great, moving cinema. Most with them were dull as hell, and pointless. Oh, and they should have cut Hitler, or had him escape.

Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. The Bride is a living weapon of destruction, but so is Bourne. They have many skills in common, and of all the battles so far, this would be the one I’d want tickets to. Though it would probably move so fast you couldn’t keep up.

Both of the competitors are known for their tenacity, and for coming back from “death” to reappear and shake up the status quo. I’d give Bourne the edge gun-wise, the Bride the edge sword-wise. Neither of those will really matter, because this fight isn’t going to get to weapons stage.

The Horn goes and both of them rush the platform. They engage below the weapons platform, and The Bride gets in about 3 good hits, while Bourne is assessing her combat style. One he’s figured out her style, he reacts and begins blocking. The Bride is impressed by Bourne’s ability, and redoubles her effort. Problem is, she can only rely on the style or (for the sake of argument) styles she knows. And Bourne knows all of those. So we’re at an impasse, as she continues to try and break down Bourne’s defense, and he compensates and holds her off.

Then Bourne switches to some little known leg combat style he learned in the jungles of Myanmar, and surprises the Bride, sweeping her leg. Before she can revert to a defensive style, Bourne takes out the pressure points in her hip and renders the leg useless. After that, it’s just a matter of time until he gets a few more strikes in.

Winner: Bourne

Decision: The Bride

So The Bride moves on to the Semi Final.

Next Week: Semi Final 1 – Indiana Jones vs The Man With No Name.

Discuss, Complain, Share your feelings, Tell us about your etsy site below!!!!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, John McLane versus James Bond! Will Jimmy get Jacked? Will a Johnny get Jimmied? Stay tuned!

Tbinns

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again…if this was the character of James Bond overall, he’d run through EVERYONE like a hot knife through butter. The ONLY REASON this isn’t a cakewalk is that we have limited it to Daniel Craig. We only have two movies to draw precedent from, and it makes this something approximating a fair fight.

So let’s go through this step by step.

Weapons are on a high platform. We can infer from the running sequence in Casino Royal that Bond will gain the early advantage first. However, and this is vital…McClane thrives in situations where someone else has the upper hand. If he were an artist, it would be his chosen medium. Some people work with clay, some with oil painting, McClane works in turning things around right when you think he’s fucked.

And let’s face it, he does have some experience eliminating snooty Europeans.

What about if the shit gets real in a hand to hand way? Both are hard asses, but if I were handing out a Hard Ass Trophy,(What would THAT look like, I wonder?) I would probably give it to the guy who had his balls pulverized and still wouldn’t talk before I give it to the guy who ran over glass. Both guys have killed people with their bare hands…only to have them come back to life and nearly get killed. The difference is when it happened to Bond…he corrected his own mistake, McClane had to be rescued by the dad from Family Matters.

How humiliating is that?

So it would appear on the surface that this is tilting toward Bond but not so fast…

The appeal, for me anyway, of Craig’s Bond is the fact that he’s a bit green, he makes mistakes, he loses his cool. McClane has it all over this particular Bond in terms of experience in tight situations.

I think tactically, they are both pretty equal, you don’t take out a building/airport/city full of terrorists/thieves without knowing a little something about tactics. But Bond is fucking tenacious. He will run you down on foot, by truck, by boat, he does not give a fuck, he will not stop until one of you is dead.

Wow. This is one of the toughest ones so far.

But I think I’m going with Bond.

My reasons being an MI6 Agent is bound to have a few more tricks up his sleeve than a former NYPD Officer. Chances are Bond was recruited from the SAS, widely considered the most elite fighting force on the planet. I don’t think McClane can match that in terms of training, or even the various ways one can stop a fellow human from breathing .I also think in an arena, the chances of employing McClane’s guerrilla tactics are pretty much zero, so you have taken away one of his major advantages. It’s a long tough fight but in the end, I have to give it to Bond.

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN “The Next Round Of Smackdown”

Winner: Bond

Admin_Rock:

This one is an interesting fight. We have the superspy, the master of tactics vs the man who who has an x-factor, the guy the rules rarely apply to.

On a purely personal level, Daniel Craig’s Bond bores the Living Shit out of me. And before you get up in my grill about it, recognize that I’m a lifelong Bond fan, that I know of what I speak. But the current Bond writers have it all wrong. Casino Royale was a nice “reboot”, and a fun jumping off spot, but they immediately made a mess of things again. He’s not a Bond that I get excited about, or can get behind. Who knows, maybe the next film will prove me wrong. We can only hope.

John McClane, however, is a hero for the ages. He’s deeply flawed, and as human as it gets. I believe that had the original Die Hard ended with him taking a bullet at he saves the day, the movie would be an instant classic, and people would be writing term papers about it and him. But, in Hollywood, cash is king, and we get sequels.

The thing that makes this battle tricky is that all of Bond’s strengths play directly to McClane’s strengths. For every insightful tactical move, McClane has a lucky move. For each well thought out strike, McClane has his way of making it fail. So, on the surface, it seems like McClane is unstoppable.

But the problem is that McClane comes out on top by luck, by tenacity, by chance. Bond does as well, but he’s amuch better improvisor. Bond makes it look effortless, where McClane puts all his energy in to creating what Bond does with ease. So when the first burst of flurries are done, McClane is spent, and Bond is just getting warmed up.

John buddy, I love you to pieces, but we have to give this round to Bond.

Winner: Bond

RobbieRobTown:

First off, if I were a tyrannosaurus rex, I would wreck your balls for my pleasure. I would stomp ‘em! I would stomp your balls, and then I would eat them, but not in a sexy way- I would eat them in a cruel tyrannosaurus rex way, and then I would poop your balls out on a rice cake, and make you eat my ballspoop. Tyrannosaurus Wrecks-yer-balls! It would be the last time in your life you ever hear this phrase: “Nice sack, champ,”, because you wouldn’t have a sack and you wouldn’t be a champ. What’s up with coaches always complimenting a champions scrotum? That seems a difficult compliment to give. Still, I mean, I wish I could hear the phrase “Nice sack, champ!” more often, because hardly anyone, coaches or no, compliments my junk anymore.

So, which of our heroes this week has the requisite satchel of hot nuts to win a battle? Who has the bearings and who has the flapjacks? Who has the cajones, and who has the retarded gonads?

John Mclane has a giant sackfull of cantaloupes. He is always laying down his bowling-ball-caddy on the table at parties and is all like “Who wants to kick this? I dare you”. He has such a weighty pouch that it has an event horizon. He has such huge globes that the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree is all like “I wish my balls were as huge as that”. John Mclane has such an impressive cargo truck that airports blow up inside his scrotum, like, all the time.

James Bond, on the other hand, has an immense spheroidal flesh croquet game being played his pantaloons. His tailored Burberry coat can barely cover the rolling crotch real estate betwixt his thighs. James bond has such an unfathomably deep pocketspouch that R’lyeh is down there. If James Bond’s balls were were made of concrete, you could make a 600 foot tall snowman out of them. James Bond has such enormous janglyjewels that whenever he walks around, you can hear the sound of the distant future falling through a gravity well, which sounds exactly like giant water-filled weather balloons splattering on orphans. Yeah, those orphans are gonna need, like, 200 quanta of solace to feel better once they cross paths with those dangly planetoids.

I think when these fellas go sack to sack, the real winner will be friendship, because these guys have enough balls to seriously make out when they see each other. It takes major testicular fortitude to make out with another dude. I would pay to see that, am I right guys?

Bond is smart, McLane isn’t really, Bond wins. Nice sack, Champ!

Winner: Bond

Loser: Your future erections.

Decision: James Bond

So Bond moves on to the Semi-Final. Next week, Jason Bourne vs the Bride (Beatrix Kiddo), as the Quarter Finals draw to a close.

Agree? Disagree? Have a thought? Feel like attacking others on the internet to make yourself feel like a big man? All of this and more…below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Man With No Name takes on Han Solo! Western vs Star guys.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Tbinns

May I indulge in a not at all relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

I think the show New Girl should do a cross over episode with Two Broke Girls to become Two Broke New Girls. And of course by “Cross over episode” I mean Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel should make out.

Sweeps week. Make it happen.

May I indulge in a barely relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

There is a reason why I have always preferred Han Solo to Luke Skywalker…I mean apart from the obvious, he’s way cooler, less whiny, etc.

Luke Skywalker is a dick. That’s right, a dick, I said it I stand by it. Who else but a dick would shrug off the death of the people who raised him like it was nothing, even after watching their skeletal remains smoulder. He turns his head away, for like half a second…”OK! Grieving period over. Bye people who raised me. That’s what you get for not letting me go to Toshi station.” That is some cold, cold shit Skywalker. Oh, but of course losing the Old weird guy who he JUST started hanging around with is a big deal. Not enough of a big deal to actually LISTEN to the guy when he speaks to him from the great beyond and tells him NOT TO GO FACE DARTH VADER, but enough to feel sorry for himself.

You are a huge dick, Luke.

Anyway Solo versus He Who Will Hereafter Simply Be Referred To As “The Man”

Maybe I’m way off base here but I can totally see a scenario wherein the two actually agree to LET each other get to the weapons each one taking their own, going to their respective sides and turning it into a good old fashioned cowboy quick draw. I think Solo is cocky enough to take The Man up on that, and I think The Man is smart enough to suggest it.

I say smart because on the count of three …Solo is dead.

1. Because NO ONE beats The Man in a quick draw scenario. NO ONE not even Solo. And…
2. Because Han does not shoot first. Not anymore. Are you happy now, George Lucas? Han Solo is dead and it’s YOUR FAULT!!!

And the more I think about other scenarios the more it comes up in The Man’s favour. Suppose they don’t have their gentleman’s agreement? Solo is useless in a hand to hand situation. He only tried it once and screwed up, allowing two Biker Scouts to get away. The Double cross, Han agrees to the weapon exchange and then shoots the man? ? If the Man knows anything, he knows to ALWAYS be on the look out for the double cross.

Nope. I love me some Han Solo, but that does not mean he can beat The Man with No Name

Winner: The Man with No Name

Loser: Luke Skywalker. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Admin_Rock:

Tricky one for me. Haven’t seen any of the movies with The Man With No Name. Westerns generally don’t do it for me. There’s a few I’ve seen and enjoyed, but generally, I don’t care for them. Something about the genre maybe, not sure. Didn’t stick with Deadwood, though lots of people rave about it. I just find them a bit, well, dull. Firefly was great, but I think that had more to do with the space element, and some great writing.

I know Han Solo though. Most overrated hero ever. He can fly a ship, i’ll give him that. But he’s lousy in a gunfight. And that’s what we have here. A purportedly expert gunfighter against a pilot who is okay at best as shooting a gun.

As I’ve mentioned before here, I’m kinda done with Star Wars for a while. I think I’ve seen it enough. I love arguing about it, so it’s not like I’ve stopped recognizing it, etc, but I’m not worshiping at the altar anymore. So I’m not looking at Solo through the eyes of an impressionable six year old. And when you remove those glasses, he’s…not that great.

Winner: The Man With No Name

RobbieRobTown:

Okay, I always had to play Luke Skywalker when we would play “Star Wars” in our neighbourhood, because everyone else wanted to be Han. Allow me to explain the rules of “Star Wars”. Star Wars is a wide game, not unlike Hide and Seek, Kick the Can, or Capture the flag, except instead of rules and goals you play a character and then run around and announce your intentions. Come to think of it, my friends and I may have invented LARPing, except we were 5 years old, so we were free from the guilt associated with any of this.

Oh, and Lesley, it wasn’t a wedding at the end of Star Wars. It was A medal ceremony. Do you hear me Lesley? Luke and Leia do not get married… Unless she is marrying all of them? That’s just gross girl-boy stuff, man. What kind of chick wants 3 husbands, one of whom is a wookie? Yes, I know, the answer is: A girl I should probably call in my adult years…

Anyway, I didn’t get that Han was cooler when I was young. Luke was magical, and what’s up with Han? Nothing. he runs and shoots stuff. Hello! NO FORCE. What makes that guy special? Nothing.

When I finally saw Return of the Jedi in a theatre, I warmed up to Han, but by then I already had my role as Luke assigned.

The Man with No Name I remember best as being Doc Brown’s befuddled assistant from the eighties, and he smokes a cigar and throws some pie plates, and then he wears sneakers in an old west bar. Also, his mom was hot.

Both of these guys would cheat the rules and mess with the system. Both of these guys would rather not be here. Both of these guys would assassinate Darth Vader.

Oh, and I’m sure Admin-Rock has already mentioned this, but as he so rightly pointed out to me the other day, it is NOT that Han shot first, it is more that Greedo NEVER SHOT AT ALL.

The dialogue here is entirely dependent on who has written the script. Can we pretend it is Lawrence Kasdan?

Han: Something kind of witty, but not too much.

MWNN: …

Han: Something Cocky.

MWNN: …

Han: !!!

MWNN: .

And then Han shoots first, or more correctly, The Man With No Name never shot.

And even if he did shoot, would a blaster melt a bullet in the air? This journalist says: Maybe.

Winner: Han

Loser: Biff Tannen

Winner: The Man With No Name

So RobbieRobTown’s childhood loses out to the much more distant and crusty childhoods of TBinns and Admin_Rock.  The Man with no Name steals a win, and you hurl abuse at us!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: It’s Sarah “You’re terminated, mister* (Edited for AMC)”  Connor vs. John “Yippiekayaye Marty’s Uncle” McCLane. Who has the most metaphorical balls, and who will face Judgement Day?

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

RobbieRobTown;

To me, this is a battle about someone who is quite adept at running away from things (Connor) being pitted against someone who runs towards things (McLane). Which is the wiser course of action? Well, I myself come firmly from the “run away” camp, but I won’t denigrate Sarah Connor by suggesting that I too spent years in the Mexican desert training for armageddon. Once I spent a week eating Mexican dessert at an all-inclusive.  McLane is a dedicated family man and civil servant who loves to run towards danger and put a stop to the dangerosity with bullets. There is something to be said for his bold style. One time I put a stop to something with bullets, but to be fair it was the sale of bullets for automatic weapons by signing a petition, so maybe I didn’t directly stop it.

I’ve never disarmed a bomb in a public park using jugs of water (scene famously written by Mr. Wizard), and I’ve never literally disarmed an android, and then been chased by the arm I disarmed from him.   I have respect for both parties here, is what I’m saying.

The way I see this going down: Skynet turns the scoreboard in the arena into a scary robot that eats people, whilst simultaneously displaying a countdown to a new judgement day.  Since there is a bomb in the scoreboard, John McLane runs towards it, and climbs inside and crawls around for quite a bit of screen time.

Meanwhile, Sarah Connor is trying to avoid being eaten by the Skynet/Scoreboard device. Luckily, she meets up with Cameron, a sexy ballerina terminator sent back from the future to protect anyone named John, and also to look like Summer Glau. She really nails the Summer Glau directive.

Those of you new to our site will not be aware that long before the invention of TBinnsing, I was writing lesbian fan fiction in every section of the site I could work it into. I have decided not to expose you to that kind of nonsense in this case. It’s beneath me, and just for the sake of example, It would look something like this, if I did it, which I won’t:

John McLane is occupied fighting inside the animated scoreboard robot. in the arena, under soft lighting, the following:

Sarah:  I don’t know how I feel about killing another human for sport. It’s not what humanity is about.

Cameron: What is humanity about?

Sarah: Love, I think, at our best.

Cameron: I am not programmed to feel love.

Sarah: But you are programmed to learn?

Cameron: Yes, and to experience human life as fully as I can.

Sarah: Then let me show you love.

As the crashing and explosions continue in the background, Sarah strides towards the sexy android who is doing her best to look like Summer Glau (because that’s what humanity does, damn it!), and places a gentle kiss on her lips. For a moment, Cameron simply stands still, processing the new input, categorizing the sensations. Then, she raises her hand to Sarah’s cheek, and kisses back, gently at first then passionately. As the Skynet Scoreboard collides with the sprinkler system, Sarah and Cameron are drenched in a warm rain that seems to fall almost backwards in the strobe lights and fire.  Their clothing, wet and purposeless for warmth, slides easily off their muscular yet feminine bodies.

In any case, it would be some trite bullshit like that.

Winner: Sarah Motherfucking Conner, because she fights future fucking robots, retards.

Loser: Me for pandering.

Tbinns

John McClane. Duh. Without question, or even the slightest hesitation

Those movies aren’t called “Die Easy” for God’s sake.

“Hey!” I’m pretending you are saying “Sarah Connor survived TWO Terminator attacks. TWO OF THEM!!!”

And she had help both times, once from Reese and once from an older model terminator. (The iTerminator 2 which did not have the liquefy app)

“Ahhh” you allegedly say, “Terminators are way tougher than Eurotrash pseudo terrorists.”

She’s pretty tough, but John McClane has taken out HUNDREDS of trained killers armed to the teeth, sometimes without his shoes on BY HIMSELF. No Reese, No Terminators…JUST HIM.

You could use and iClone device, make hundreds of Sarah Connors, arm them to the teeth and throw John McClane into the arena with them and he would STILL beat them all. Then when the building was about to explode, he’d get the audience out safely, and get blown 20 feet in the air when the arena blows up behind him, get up dust himself off, smirk and light a cigarette.

Asking him to take out one is like asking him to take out the garbage from under the sink.

Yeah, he’ll grumble, but he’ll do it quickly and efficiently and not even give a second thought about it afterwards.

Yipee ki yay Sarah Connor.

Because the contest was such a walkover, I’d like to make sure you get your money’s worth by padding my contribution with filler. Here are the top ten names for potential Die Hard sequels:

1. Die Hard with a Side of Fries
2. Die Hard Days Night (With cgi Beatles!)
3. Die Herd : (A computer animated kids movie about one lone sheep’s struggle to save the flock when they are held hostage by wolves)
4. Live Free, Die Hard, Pay Less
5. To Die and Die Hard
6. Live and Let Die Hard
7. The Die Hardening
8. God Emperor of Die Hard
9. Don’t Turn Around, Die Hardissar’s in Town
10. The Muppets take Die Hard

Winner: John McClane

Loser : Skynet, because if the machines were smart, they would have sent John McClane to kill her

Admin_Rock:

This is the part of the article where, breaking with established patterns, and thinking about the fight and it’s possible outcomes. I know what you’re thinking “Admin_Rock, why not just post pictures of hot chicks, or make up something about radioactive Plazas? No sir, that’s not my gig. My gig is to be a little dull, mostly reasonable, and make smart ass remarks after the fact. So:

Sarah Connor is a survivor. It’s an established fact. She’s the mother of humanity, idolized by the survivors of Judgement Day. But like most idols, the facts rarely fit the story. Connor survived an attack by a T-800, that much is clear. But we know that she had help from Kyle Reese, without whom she wouldn’t have made it. Also with whom, she made it. In T2, she went to battle with a T-1000, a much more difficult foe. Which she single-handedly took down. Oh, wait, no, she had a T-800 to help. She did, though, survive that battle as well. She lost the third round to cancer, which we can’t really fault her for. My point, you ask? She’s a survivor. She knows how to stay alive. What she isn’t, is a cold blooded killer.

John McClane, on the other hand, is both a survivor, and a trained killer. It’s a good thing for Connor that her last name isn’t UbenConnergrammerplatz, or this fight would be over in seconds. McClane is a legend. His character was essentially responsible for starting, or at least revitalizing an entire sub-genre of the action film: the “One guy versus an Army”, and the “One guy trapped in a blank”. McClane is smart, fast, hard to kill, above the law, on deadly ground, out for vengeance. But he does make mistakes. He likes to walk through glass barefoot. Not the smartest thing to do. He’s an improvisor, he’s able to find a win in certain defeat, and make you laugh just before it happens.

So the horn goes, and Connor sprints for the weapons. McClane tries to race her there, but loses, as he’s out of shape. He mutters something about too many donuts, his reverie broken by gunfire , as Connor has started shooting. McClane hides behind the weapons post, talking to himself about how he talks to himself too much. A hand grenade rolls into sight, as McClane throws himself away and up, carried by the explosion. He pulls himself up on the platform, and ducks as another strafing run barely misses him. he looks over the edge, and catches a bullet, grazing his skull. “Good thing I don’t have hair anymore,” he says, and grabs his gun. “Time to die” Connor yells from below, as she lines up another shot. “If you say so, lady” McClane replies, rolling over as he places three bullets in a perfect triangle in Connor’s skull.

WINNER: John McClane

DECISION: John McClane

So John McLane survive yet another onslaught, even when the pg13 rating takes away his balls. You ask for miracles, we give the The. Correct. Ness.

Tune in next week as we bring you more of the first round action. Lara Croft of Tomb Raider fame vs Jeff, The Man With No Name. (Okay it’s not Jeff.)

Let er rip, boys and girls.

(Ed: This article was found in a copy of The Correctness magazine from RobbieRobTown’s trunk. His car can apparently travel through time, as the magazine is from the year 2230. We’ve presented it untouched.)

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen and Unbeclarebs!!! Exciting news from the South, as the AppleOmniCorp announces the much awaiteb launch of the iPhone 134. Some of you out there were concerneb that this launch was going to be for the 133 G. Well, guess again! It’s a full flebged 134, complete with a grab bag of new features to make even the most bevout Morrisseyist brop it all and heab to the Glomomart!

We’ve summarizeb the most exciting features for you.

THE LAUNCH

Reports say that every AppleOmniCorp Concern will have a special inconcern visit from one of the newly hatcheb Stevejobs’s, grown specifically for this event. There will be other inconcern specials as well, inclubing iPads, iPistols, and iSuckle units.

PHONE SUPPORT

The 134 is now capable of making and holbing calls for as long as 3 minutes. (Not available with VeriziComcast). Take that Cyborg phones! Also, with increased bownloab speebs, you’ll be watching the new Star Wars reboot with true clarity. Luke and the Gungans will be bigger than life.

TRUE RETINA SCAN

The new 134 will be capable of a True Retina Scan, allowing the user to completely scan the retinas of anyone in the immediate vicinity. While things like a visual change warning will be standarb, an app can be purchaseb to abb things such as a virtual recognizer (“where have I see YOU before?!!”) and a glareometer.

NO MORE STOMACH INSERTION

There were so many complaints regarbing the stomach pouch feature on the 133, AppleOmniCorp becideb, against normal policy, to listen to the crowbs (we have spoken, and ‘All of your Bases Are Ours(!!!!)’ The 134 is briven birectly in to the groin area, just above the theenis in males, above the junkina in females, and birectly into the kenarbie slot in unbeclareds. The process is unbearably painful, but after shelling out for the phone, you’ll harbly notice.
(3 mobels available, 32Gb – $270,000, 64Gb – $370,000, and now 68Gb(?!!!!) $ 630,000).

REMAINING LIFE METER
The iPhone 134 comes standarb with a bar showing the remaining life. Not of the bevice, of course, but your own life!!! The phone itself still carries enough power for 3 to 4 hours of use, and must be pluggeb in to either a neural or spleenal port for charging, as a removable battery is still nowhere to be founb.

You’ll want to rise early this Bieberbay, and get bown to the AppleOmniCorp Concern to purchase your 134, before things get REALLY crowbeb. Both crebits and bloob will be accepteb, so there’s no excuse to obey the chairman’s wishes and consume like a rabib Mother Gaga!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, late of the Nostromo, vs. Captain Malcom Reynolds of the Firefly class spaceship Serenity. Ms. “Get away from her, you bitch” vs. Mr. “If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you”. Let’s get it on like the Yuuzhan Vong.

Admin_Rock

Our first true “tough one” of the bracket. Ripley is no slouch, having taken on countless Aliens. She’s used to mixing it up, and coming out on top, regardless of the odds. On the other hand, Mal is a scrapper. He never really gets ahead, but he always wins. He’s also underestimated by almost everyone. He presents a charming face, and an ‘aw shucks’ attitude, but make no mistake, he’ll kill you in a heartbeat. And I don’t even want to hear any of that “Mal is too much of a gentleman to harm a lady.” Bullshit. If his life is on the line, he won’t hesitate.

The horn goes, and Mal and Ripley both make their way for the gun pole. Mal gets to his gun first, and begins shooting. He’s close to the mark, but just misses. Ripley gets her gun/flamethrower dealie, but also a shot in the leg for her trouble. Thus begins the longest battle in arena history. Mal chases, Ripley stays a step ahead, with her injured leg slowing her down. Finally, Mal comes around the the post, Ripley fires off a desperation burst, catching Mal with the flamethrower. His hair is singed, and he’s pissed.

“Lady, I’m getting awful tired of this. Let’s settle it”. Ripley steps out from behind the post, limping as she does so. Mal says “On the count of three..”. Both of them, knowing better fire immediately. The flamethrower mangles Mal’s face some more, possibly destroying his good looks permanently, and he catches a round in his shoulder. Ripley takes two to the chest, and collapses. Mal falls to the ground, and passes out. Ripley falls as well. She doesn’t get back up.

Winner: Mal, by the slimmest of margins.

Tbinns

This one poses more questions than there are good answers for. Questions like: How are they going to get a giant mech style loading machine on a tiny platform? Would the otherwise gallant Captain Mal dig deep and kill an essentially innocent woman? More importantly, would he be wearing a pretty floral bonnet when he did so?

In times of uncertainty, we must always turn to the comforting rigidity of mathematics…

A Mathematician

I think it’s fair to say that Ripley defeating not just AN Alien…but several ALIENS and then their giant Queen translates to…

Ripley >Aliens.

So we must then postulate, having never had one aboard Serenity whether or not Captain Mal would in fact vanquish an Alien…or several… or their Queen. I seem to recall in the last episode, Mal and his whole crew almost got completely wiped out by one guy. Since we postulate that a number of Aliens could beat one guy we have to assume

Mal < Aliens

So mathematically

Ripley >Aliens, and Aliens> Mal therefore Ripley >Mal.

Hooray for Math!

Hooray indeed.

But wait! Is this specious logic at work?

A Logic Expert

After all Mal< Aliens might be an erroneous supposition, based on the fact that Mal has fought and defeated Reavers, who are in there own rapey cannibally way almost as fearsome as aliens. No acid for blood, but on the whole pretty terrifying. But unless we actually saw a Serenity Crew vs. Alien Mash up, we’d have no way of knowing. All we know is that they would have our money and our asses would be in the seats opening day.

a chest worth bursting?

So in the face of the failures of Math and Logical Philosophy…let us turn to out old stand by Science!

a reputable television scientist

FACT OF SCIENCE: Ripley’s finishing move is pressing a button and watching her adversary get sucked out of an airlock. She’s a master of the art of Vogon-Fu. Thing is…there aren’t any airlocks in the arena, folks. The scientific method would demand rigorous testing, but most reputable scientists would be likely to theorize a Mal Wins Scenario.

All of which leads to one undeniable conclusion.

I’m Tbinnsing the shit out of this article because I haven’t got the first clue who would win . I’m about 20 seconds away from a coin toss here.

Wait a minute… Joss Whedon actually CREATED Mal and wrote an Alien movie! Let’s just ask him!

JOSS: I never wrote an Alien film

TONY: Yes, yes you did.

JOSS: No I didn’t, I’m very busy directing the Avengers go away…

TONY: Dude, we know you wrote Alien Resurrection…

JOSS: LA LA LA LA LA I DID NOT WRITE THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED LA LA LA LA!!!!!

Well, clearly Joss is not going to help me.

So let’s assume that Ripley’s weapon is that bad ass pulse rifle with the blow torch/grenade launcher attachment, and Mal’s trusty sidearm is there as well.

Buzzer sounds, Mal swears in Chinese, as the smart and determined Ripley bolts for the weapons…It’s neck and neck up to the platform…Mal’s hand grabs for the pisto…REAVERS!!!!!

REAVERS!!!!! OH GOD RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! REAVERS…

Ughhh alright FINE I’ll make a decision.

Hmmmmmmm. Uhhh.

Crap.

Ummm Mal wins. Because…uhhh…Oh okay how about this…Mal wins because he is a soldier trained in hand to hand, and Ripley a determined survivor…which cancels that out.

DAMMIT!!!

Okay…here it is. The Winner is Ripley. Because Joss Whedon kills off beloved characters, and Ripley keeps coming back, even after death. And Because Mal would die rather than kill an innocent woman.

Yes. Mal dies rather than break principal and Ripley survives. That feels right.

There.  Ripley. I said it, I stand by it.

I think.

WINNER: Ripley

LOSER: Guys who can’t make a decision

Cub Reporter Keith

Ripley knows the stakes. She has been down this road before. Some faceless inter-planetary corp with its own agenda has put her in harm’s way again. She looks across the arena to see Malcom Reynolds, captain of the Serenity, smiling back at her.

“I’ll just charm the little lady into giving up,” Mal thinks, “no need for her to get her pretty head blowed off.”

“What an @$$hole,” Ripley says under her breath.

Up on the pedestal are Mal’s signature sidearm and Ripley’s most iconic weapon, the 15-foot tall zero-gee landing bay mech.

“What the hell am I going to do with that even if I got to it?” Ripley asks no one in particular.

Thankfully for the Cub Reporter, Ripley doesn’t know she is being controlled by an omnipotent writer creating all of this from his memory of the Alien film fest he had about 5 years back. She would kick his Cubby butt.

“You won’t need it. You just have to strike hard and fast.” She looks down to see that Bishop’s head is sitting near her. There is no more explanation for this than there is any other time Bishop suddenly shows up to give her expository information.

Ripley stalks toward Mal, grabbing the closest loose rock, ever the improviser.

“Let’s us work out some peaceable solution to this here conundrum, what say?” Mal says in a nearly incomprehensible mish-mash of dialogue styles.

“I don’t even care who sent you, Reynolds. I’m tried of being used.”

Ripley is only a few feet away and towers over Reynolds, mostly because your narrator thinks she is taller than she really is. She’s really 2 inches shorter than Mal, but that isn’t the picture in my head. If you don’t like it, just pretend I said they were eye to eye or something.

Ripley winds back with her small rock that doesn’t count as a weapon. Mal smiles, knowing what comes next.

But it doesn’t come. Because in every single episode of Firefly when Mal gets into a spot like this Zoe comes along and saves him. Or the Serenity comes blasting up from behind a cliff to surprise everyone. Or Wash makes a distracting quip. Or River kills a whole bunch of people with her brain.

None of that happens. Mal is alone. Which is why he gets his head bashed in by Ripley who is way cooler.

Winner: Ripley

Loser: Cub Reporter Keith who now has to explain why he visits a site from work that has this much TBinns’ing

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

DECISION: Ripley

So Ripley moves on to battle Indiana Jones in the next round. Tune in next week for Sarah Connor vs John McClane. Have something to say? Probably. Do so below.