Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930’s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!

Well gang the Superhero Smackdown continues, after a less controversial but still somewhat contested victory for Superman. There has also been a line up change…

As you can see we have removed Aquaman from the competition, as really Namor is the only person he should be squaring off with, and replaced him with Spawn. We were flirting with Spawn vs. Hellboy, sort of a Battle from Hell thingy, but we had our hearts set on a showdown with the Hulk.

We have received some great feedback, keep it coming. In particular, we received one that told us to set the scene a little more carefully, as environment is a crucial factor in deciding who would win. We agree with this and will set the environmental parameters a little more carefully in the future.

We look forward to being called “Dipshits” this Friday. Hulk vs, Hellboy. It’s gonna hurt. Join us, won’t you?

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Superman vs Iron Man

(Editor’s Note: To the douchebag on Fark who couldn’t figure out from the images and the constant references by name that we were talking about Hal Jordan last week because we didn’t specify that in that in the title, for our purposes, Iron Man is Tony Stark. Not James Rhodes, not Ozzy Ozbourne, not even your mom.)

Rob: Well, straight out of the gate we need to clear a few things up. Firstly, it’s pretty clear the Man of Steel isn’t made of steel, and Iron Man isn’t made of iron. This is a metallurgical nightmare. Both of these guys are probably other types of alloys, and fridge magnets may or may not stick to them.

Next, on a more serious note, and since I don’t want to be accused of having no genitals again, nor the ability to seduce a woman- both of which are irrefutably true, but irrelevant to my opinion as a comedian- I have some concerns about just how strong Superman is. Supes is either somewhere on the scale between a very, very strong human being, or omnipotently strong in a Greek God kind of way. In various mediums, Superman has been punched hard by humans and rattled, or he has been totally unaffected. I’m saying this because, either the Iron Man suit would make this fight interesting, or Superman would crush Tony Stark inside of the suit like an aluminum can filled with styrofioam- No, I don’t know why in this simile the aluminum can is filled with styrofoam. Maybe it’s because the Nerdosphere knows I have no genitals, and so I have time to fill aluminum cans with styrofoam and crush them just for shits and giggles.

And, lest we forget,  we’re leaving aside whether kindly ‘ol Kal-El would actually hurt someone to death- again, this is Friday Night Fight, not Sunday Tea and Biscuits. Again though, we’re presuming Supes in in a killy mood.

So, taking into account that it is hard to judge just how strong Superman is, and just how melty is x-ray/heat vision is, and just how much oxygen is in Iron man’s suit, this could be interesting. Nonetheless, if we look at Superman’s most awesome moments, and assume those are the standard, we’re going to have to assume Super Man wins. Oh, Of course Tony Stark has the financial abillity for find lots of Kryptonite too, but even so…

Decision: Superman

Dave: Well, it’s a sad day for Iron Man. As with all brackets, there are bound to be some early mismatches. That’s what makes the whole bracket concept work. Iron Man had the bad luck to square off against the Super Hero of Super Heros. He’s wishing he could have taken on Daredevil (but who isn’t?). For the sake of argument, let’s give Tony Stark a fighting chance. Let’s say he knows about Superman, that he knows about the Kryptonite thing. Tony Stark flies out into space and procures some big K. he flies back to Earth, and stands just behind the Kryptonite, encased in lead, waiting for Supes. As he stands there, gloating, telling Superman about how he knows about this weakness, Superman grabs Iron Man, and takes him back into orbit, in say, a fifth of a second. Assuming a fight to the death, Tony Stark becomes fuel for the Sun moments later.

That’s a best case scenario for Iron Man. Besides, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr’s charm aside) is a huge, government registration program loving douchebag, and The Avengers are boring as shit.

Superman takes this without even wrinkling the tights.

Decision: Superman

TONY:

IRON MAN: You’re the man of Steel huh? Well I’m the man of Iron and THESE are my kryptonite laced REPULSOR RAYS!!!

SUPERMAN: Great Caesar’s Ghost!!!!

IRON MAN: Really? You say that? Without irony?

SUPERMAN: Cut me some slack, I was raised in Kansas

IRON MAN: When I’m done kicking your ass here, I’m going to get my publicity department to work on a better catchphrase for you.

SUPERMAN: I’m actually more famous than you. Without a publicity department. And you’re starting to annoy me and that is a collossally bad idea.

IRON MAN: Who’s the brunette in the stands…? One of yours? nice…I like em with a little spunk.

SUPERMAN: Oh, it’s on, Iron Bitch

Again, I am making the assumption that Tony is given time to research and create a “Supermanbuster” armor complete with Kryptonite repulsor rays, and perhaps even made of a Kryptonite alloy. Surely no disagrees that he has the resources, and the smarts to do this. This has been done to Supes twice before, and it only worked once, and the guy in the suit was Batman. And even he had to feign death to capitalize on his advantage. But Tony is an EXPERT at creating armor. This is not a side project it’s his life’s work. Surely his suit would be among the ones that actually beat Superman, right?

Well if it were straight up hand to hand, and the armour was made of Kryptonite alloy, and he nailed him good with the Krypto repulsers maybe, and again just maybe because if Stark fucks up even once, it’s over. And no matter what people say, Clark is no dummy. He’s got few tricks up his sleeve as well. Ol Supes has an ace in the hole. He can heat Tony’s armor to intolerable levels from accross the arena without getting anywhere near the Krypto suit, assuming he can stay clear of the repulsor rays, and given his super speed I’m going to say yes, he can do that. Or he could freeze it up from a distance. And if there ISN’T a Krypto alloy in the suit? Well…remember that scene in Superman where he squeezed coal into a diamond? Say hello to the Stark Memorial Diamond.

I’m sure Tony thought he’d take care of Supes, have a shower, then nip over to Lois’s place for a few cocktails and an “Exclusive interview” but his cockiness will undo him. Superman is altogether just too …Super. I know one thing though. I would totally want to see this as a movie.
Decision: Superman

The Winner…Superman!

Once again The Correctness is unanimous. And if you are here from Fark, as many were last week, welcome back, and please stop yelling at us. We are primarily a comedy site. No one here actually thought Green Lantern was bitten by a radioactive lantern. Next week…oh I don’t know how about a little Hulk vs. Hellboy? Tony is a notorious Hulk fanboy…this ought to be interesting. Stay tuned!

(The Following was taken off of Superman’s Facebook Page)

Alright, you guys…Geez you are like Doomsday, you’re relentless. Here we go…(Up up and away?)

1. It actually takes me a bound and a half to two bounds to leap a tall building

2. You don’t need super hearing to know that Lois snores like crazy.

3. I’m actually Jewish, but the circumcision proved to be impossible

4. I am aware of how gay my outfit is, thank you very much.

5. I feel sorry for any kid who went through puberty without X-ray vision

6. I am, in fact, faster than the Flash. I let him win. I mean, Jesus, it’s all he’s got, I’m not going to take THAT away from him.

7. Kryptonite is not only my weakness, it also really pisses me off.

8. Every time I’m rescuing someone who complains about how some disaster destroyed their home, I’m secretly thinking “Oh BOO HOO, my whole planet blew up!!!” but I never say it.

9. At a Justice League party, Wonder Woman got drunk and confessed to me that she can fly, she just does it in a seated position to fool people into thinking she has an invisible jet plane. For some reason, she finds that very funny.

10. To “Spice things up” in the bedroom, I once surprised Lois by dressing my penis up as Lex Luthor. To this day , when she’s in the mood, she still asks me if I’d like to see “Luthor’s hideout”

11. I really wish people would stop e-mailing me that lame ass Five for Fighting song

12. Every time someone ironically calls someone else “Braniac” I immediately look over my shoulder, just in case.

13. Even I didn’t like Superman IV…and unlike most people I actually liked Superman III…That Richard Pryor cracks me up!!

14. I have saved the world 63,283,774 times. And I have the scrapbooks to prove it.

15. I went as Batman for Halloween this year.

16. If I had to do it over again, I’d pick a better name than Superman

17. “Man and Superman” is not a play about me, but I still recommend it

18. My body is immune to harm, so I eat everything deep fried. I’m serious. EVERYTHING.

19.I furnished the Fortress of Solitude entirely with Ikea furniture. It looks great! (Took me forever to put it together though)

20. Most of my power comes from the sun…I wish the rest of America would follow suit.

21. Green Lantern made a pass at me once

22. There is nothing but John Williams on my Ipod

23. My most embarrassing moment: A bad gas attack caused a hurricane when I was flying over the Doninican Republic one time.

24. I once flew backwards around the planet and reversed time because I missed the first 5 minutes of “The Office” I have GOT to get a tivo

25. My real name is Clark Ken…OH SHIT!!!

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.

The Correctness has been receiving a fair amount of e-mail looking for clarifications and understand about plot points in famous films. We, as always, are correct, and aim to spread understanding in these cases. Let us begin.

Dear Correctness,

Was the gun that Edward Norton’s character uses at the end of Fight Club real, or was it imaginary like Tyler Durden?

Jim in Brooklyn

- Jim,

The Correctness follows very strict guidelines in these matters, and as such we would be breaking the first two rules of Fight Club to discuss this.

Dear Correctness,

if Darth Vader became good again at the end of Return of the Jedi, why did Luke burn his body?

Drew in Toronto

-Drew,

Really? That confused you? It was similar to a Viking Burial. It was a respectful gesture, not an angry one. Damn, I’m surprised you didn’t get that. Huh.

Dear Correctness,

How come Lois Lane is alive at the end of Superman. She died in the earthquake in her car.

Jerry in Portland

-Jerry,

Did you not see the part where Superman flew around the Earth a whole bunch of times, really fast? He was reversing time, in order to save Lois. Maybe you were in the bathroom for that part or something.

Dear Correctness,

How come Sylar was still alive after the Season 1 finale of Heroes? We saw him get destroyed.

Jane in L.A.

-Jane,

Look. Heroes is just retarded. Only morons are still watching that shit.That’s all you need to know.

Dear Correctness,

Was Bruce Willis’ character in the Sixth Sense really dead?

Terry in Dallas

-Terry,

Holy crap. Are you really asking that? It was pretty much the whole point of the movie. I need an aspirin.

Dear Correctness,

I’ve never understood this one: In the movie “The Godfather”, which character was The Godfather. It’s very confusing to me.

Gail in St. Louis

Gail,

No. No way. Bullshit. No one is that fucking stupid. You go to hell, Gail.

Dear Correctness,

When you answered that question about Fight Club, what was that bit about the rules. I don’t remember any rules. I don’t get it.

Gill in Tokyo

Gill,

Again, I think you’re jerking my chain. First, EVERYONE knows the First Rule of Fight Club. EVERYONE. Secondly, how did you read the earlier question , when it’s clearly in the same article as this one. Look, when I agreed to do this answers crap, I figured people were going to ask questions about the ending of the Prestige, or the timeline of Donnie Darko, or whatever that mess of an ending of “No Country For Old Men” was. Hell, I was ready to go on at length about the meaning of “There Will Be Blood” and why it 10 times as good as you probably think it is. But this stuff is ridiculous.  “I don’t get the ending of Superman???” You are the kind of people that go to Transformers, knowing full well it will be a big sack of crap.

Dear Correctness,

Why was it called “Finding Nemo”, when there was no character calle

Fuck it, I’m done.