When DC rebooted Superman in 1986 they ended the old version with one of the greatest Superman stories of all time, Alan Moore & Curt Swan’s “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?”

 

This summer’s Superman arc is about the return of Superman’s murderer, Doomsday who is doing Doomsday-ish stuff to the supporting cast of 1993′s “Reign of the Supermen.” Since these stories will get washed away in September anyway, this is how I would end it, just to screw with people.

It started like any other day in Metropolis. People were commuting to work, going about their daily lives, being blase about an invulnerable man who can fly, numb from the number of times their city had been threatened by giant somethings from space. When suddenly a giant tear in the fabric of the universe! Very few even looked up from their coffee, a pervasive “Ehhh…whatever, Superman will take care of it” attitude having taken hold of a populace weary of wonders.

 

When the giant saucer arrived, there were some perfunctory screams… you know, for the sake of form. When the giant infant piloting the craft began his drooling destruction of the city, The Mayor shrugged and made a phone call…

To the Justice league!!!

Superman flies straight in for the direct attack

Big mistake

He is crushed by Giant Baby and his own hubris

“This is worse than Doomsday” he mutters. Meanwhile The citizens of Metropolis gather around water oolers to discuss Metropolis Idol

The Man of Steel is down for the count

Next up, the Green Lantern takes his shot

Too much yellow matter in the diaper… the ring is Useless!

Neither willpower nor box office can save him now

He has been been “Paralaxed”

Off goes the Flash!

He attempts to create a vortex to send the infant back where it came from

But he gets too close!

Not fast enough Flash!

Your ass has been rebooted.

Here comes Wonder Wom…oh. Crap.

Invisable Jet Down!!!

No amount of Yoga is going to make that not hurt.

and with one swift motion…

He does to her what ABC did to her new TV show.

But wait…look behind you Giant Infant!!!

Batman’s well placed distraction is working!!! The trap is about to be sprung!

Batman lands the drop kick…the baby is furious!!!

But Batman has no powers…

and an angry baby is worse than ten angry Bane’s

 

Knightfall!

 

“You are next Avengers!!!!” he screams

“Do you Hear me? YOU ARE NEXT!!!!”

 

 

“Spider senses tingling…oh shit!”

 

 

Damn right!

 

 

Tbinns Junior is Victorious. Metropolis is destroyed. Part of them are relieved. Stay tuned…coming soon, Tbinns Junior takes on…THE AVENGERS!

 

 

an Open Letter to Zack Snyder

Dear Zack

You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to get right, but no one has made a decent Superman movie since the early 80’s. (It’s a fact of SCIENCE!!) Everyone knows what Superman does. Everyone knows what he’s like. And yet, no one seems to be able to get it right. Well The Correctness is here to help, so pay attention …

1. Get the Character Right:

Superman is the most powerful being on earth, but that’s not what makes him a hero. What makes him a hero is what he does with these powers. I know a lot of people prefer the Batman/Wolverine style of anti-hero, but the landscape is so littered with these Eastwood wanna be’s that the real straight arrows like Captain America and Superman are the exception rather than the rule. In a way…it’s almost reversed, and now Superman breaks the mold and is, in effect an Anti-hero. This is a man who respects his elders, doesn’t lie, doesn’t curse. There is a reason why they call him “The Big Blue Boyscout” Don’t re-invent him, and try and make him darker or hipper. I got news for you NOBODY from a small town in Kansas is hip. Don’t make him an angsty teen, don’t make him a serial stalker with an illegitimate child. What makes him awesome is that a man who could easily crush mankind underfoot spends at least some of his time pulling cats out of trees, and helping old ladies cross the street. He has enough angst just being THAT guy, you don’t need a new angle on it.

2. More Action Please

Superman the Motion Picture was one of the first movies to take a comic book character at least somewhat seriously and made a movie on an epic scale. Which is great, but unfortunately that included a rather stately pace that Superman Returns took a lot of cues from. I think there is room in a Superman movie for at least three big action set pieces, and a couple of smaller ones (I say one big “ rescue Lois” sequence, and two big “Fight” Sequences, punctuated by catching a couple regular crooks along the way). I don’t mean that Michael Bay should direct a Superman movie, but we could certainly kick it up a notch

3. We Don’t Need No Stinkin Origin Story

This isn’t Thor or Iron man, this is an icon. Everyone knows the story. Let’s not waste precious time on Krypton, and teen years, or ANY of that stuff. Get a good story and dive right in.

4. Let Lex Sit This One Out

By all means IMPLY that he’s behind all of the shenanigans, hell you could even mention him by name, but build him up and save him for the sequel. Make him a real threat, establish a presence before you actually see him. He is Superman’s greatest enemy…stop making him into a clown. Ever heard of a guy called Braniac? I think he would do nicely, don’t you?

5. Superman Needs to Fight Something HUGE at the End

I cannot stress this enough. Not only does he have to fight this giant thing, he has to get his ass handed to him. He has to dig deep and outsmart whatever this thing is, and save lives by using the skills the Kent’s taught him instead of what the Sun gives him. This should be balls out, jaw dropping mega fight. We have the technology to do it, so why have we not seen this yet?

6. Put Her In It Somewhere

Even if it’s just for a few minutes. Make it happen.

7. DO. NOT. CHANGE. THE. SUIT!!!

For fucks sake. Nobody wants to see THIS!

or THIS

Take the original design and find a way to make it work. Hollywood is full of talented costume people, it’s not that hard. Red cape. Blue Tights. Logo on the front.

Jesus.

8. Use Comic Relief Wisely and Sparingly

I am totally okay with Jimmy Olsen being used for OCCASIONAL comic relief. The odd quip from Perry White would be just fine. Hell, I’d even enjoy Lois cracking wise. But do NOT make Luthor your comic relief. Nor should you saddle him with sidekicks to provide the comedy. No Gay Robots, no Otis, no whatever the hell Parker Posey was. If you have to create a character for the specific purposes of lightening things up…chances are you don’t need that character.

So there you go. 8 Simple Rules. Oh wait… No Nicholas Cage. At All. Ever. 9 simple rules. OH and cut down on the slow motion shit. 10 simple rules. You know what Zack, why don’t you just call me and we’ll straighten this whole thing out, Okay?

Great.

You are welcome.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week It’s the Justice League vs. The X-men. Two titans of of the superteam genre, more titanic even than the Teen Titans, who suck a bunch.

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

vs

The X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

RobbieRobTown:

WARNING: I promised you people a non-sensical rant. If you want writing that makes sense, scroll down to the submissions from the other boys.

We have some lovely friends on FARK. Also, and somewhat unsurprisingly on FARK, we have some people who really hate us. That’s the whole point of FARK, really. Good on ‘em. Thank Christ almighty we haven’t upset 4Chan.
In any case, “It’s Fixed!” comes the battle cry from the FARK forums! “Fixy fix fiiiiiixxxx!” they shout.

“But we have all those rules!” we explain.

“Fixy fix fix!” They type, aggressively.

“But we’re just writers anyway, and we have nothing to gain from fixing these events, not even favour from our dwindling readership,” we add.

“Fixitty fix fix!” They say. “Plus, you are phoning it in, and you suuuuhuuuuuck!”

But they are right of course. Nothing can prove we don’t preplan this in detail- every last unsatisfying detail. Every missed opportunity for a joke? Planned by me personally. I have been simply throwing you off the trail of my subversive plot to entertain you slightly less than I once did! I have everything to gain! HAHAHAHAHA! It all makes perfect sense.

I suppose, then, it is time I reveal the details of my plan. This article will be my Corbomite maneuver. This is tranya, bitches. I hope you relish it as much as I.  Wait, this will be my Kobayashi Maru. No, wait- This is my Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”. You are about to witness the penultimate unmotivated, illogical, irrational adventure into sheer stupidity, really, second only to Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”, which was just appalling in every way. Made no sense. At all. Buckle up.

Fuck our rules, I am adding 3 people and one monkey into this fight. Why? Because in the end, no one interested in having sex with me is basing their decision on this article.

Our regular readers (reader) know(s) that I hated it as a kid when the ratings solution to every regularly broadcast television program in the seventies, and eighties, was the addition of some cute kid, or kids to entice , well, kids. Sometimes they even got rid of the first cute kid (Judy Winslow, looking at you…) to replace that kid with some cuter kid.  I could make an exhaustive list of offenders, but we need not look much further than the satanists who work at Hanna-Barbera for the key evidence.

If we are going to have the Justice League fight, we are going to have them fight at their worst, handicapped (in both a golf way and a short-bus way) by the Wonder Twins. Not only that, but I’m adding Gleek. Gleek is a purple “space-monkey”, which is so wholly an unsatisfactory explanation for his biology or purpose that it just reeks of B science fiction writing- “Put the space-hats on the space-rack, and make it space-quick!”. It literally reeks, you can smell it from here, it smells like my lactose-intolerant poops after pizza night. Superman sure is mighty, he can deal with Brainiac, but can he deal with the Jar-Jar Binks of the DC universe? We’ll just see.

To the X-Men, I’m adding in Kitty Pryde. Why? A, because it is one of the few examples of the addition of a cute kid that has ever been successful, B, because she evolved into a kick-ass character, and C, because she has a dragon. Kitty Pryde has a motherfucking dragon. Is it purple? Yes, regrettably. Is it better than a space-monkey? Are you shitting me? Of course a dragon is better than a space-monkey, that is just a fact of science.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me: Would you rather have a saccharine cute dragon, or a retarded primate?

You: Dragon is an option? Dragon!

Me: You can have the monkey and a billion dollars.

You: Dragon!

Me: Both are pretty useless.

You: Dragon.

Me: Both are purple.

You: DRAGON!

Me: If you take the monkey, I’ll give you a dragon.

You: Dragon! Only dragon…or else…

Enough talk. Let’s fight! Here’s how it goes down:

Into the arena both teams go. Right of the bat, Gleek finds a chair to dry hump, and The “Wonder” Twins rush over to see if they can pry their monkey off. Yes, they have powers, but they are too distracted by their jack-off monkey to do anything. Bad news Super Friends, now someone has to babysit the teenage kids, and stop them from getting seriously killed.  They aren’t listening to Mom, so better send in Supes to give the kids a stern, boring, Americana lecture about planning. He’s out of the fight, he’ll be busy for like, forever. Maybe Jan and Mike Brady, or whoever, will eventually turn into an ice gondola and a purple eagle (purple!)- unless someone has stolen all of their rings- Gleek? Arrrgh! You infuriating primate! Gleek stole all of the rings, both from the Wonder Twins and The Green Lantern- That means even if GL could help (which he can’t, because of the rules about no additional team members that I am adhering to strictly), his ring would be covered in purple space-jizz.

Meanwhile, Aquaman (checks to see if anybody cares, moves on)…

Kitty Pryde is not sitting around doing nothing. She punches Wonder Woman right in the breast. POW! Straight to the boob! An infuriated Wonder Woman spends the rest of the fight purposelessly trying to hit Kitty Pryde in the box. This fight lasts until one of them gets too hungry to continue, and the their eyes meet. Kitty Pryde, and immovable object, Wonder Woman, and unstoppable force. Kitty, young, inexperienced, just freshly 19 years old and back with the X-men, her kick-ass ninja skills opening Diana’s eyes, and heart.  Wonder Woman suddenly sees something she never sees in the DC universe- a strong woman, a challenge. Kitty Pryde sees a woman she can respect.

There is a fight going on, but there is a spotlight on Kitty Pryde and Wonder Woman, at the center of the arena. “Dreamweaver” is playing.

“You fight well, young mortal, but you must learn honour,” says Wonder Woman.

Kitty Pryde’s uniform has been irreparably torn in the battle. “I rarely meet a worthy opponent.”

“Join me. I will be your teacher.” Diana, Amazon goddess, is then suddenly  wearing a hot teacher outfit. Probably with really well tailored grey wool pencil skirt.

“Perhaps only you can teach me what I must learn,” says Kitty Pryde, as she is inexplicably re-dressed in a catholic school-girl uniform.

Yes, I know I have written this kind of storyline before. Stop reading if you are so bored.

Diana puts her hand up to Kitty Pryde’s face. She strokes her cheek, and pulls her close. “Only a woman can guide you,” she says, as she draws Kitty yet closer, pulling back on her hair just slightly- roughly at first, the smell of the sweat from the battle on both of their skin, and then gently, caressing her.

“We never had lessons like this at Xavier’s school,” moans Kitty. Even Aquaman isn’t as wet as she is.

“That bald fool doesn’t have a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Now,” says Wonder Woman, “tell me what you really want…”

If you want more, send me a goddamn cheque, or click on our advertisers.

Anyhow, our winner is the X-Men, because I’m tired of the “Batman always wins” paradigm too. But the real winner? The real winner is you, fair audience.

Winner: The X-Men featuring Kitty “You Can’t Hit What Isn’t There, But You Wish You Could Hit That!” Pryde.

Loser: Hanna-Barbera, The Colour Purple.

admin_Rock

So, a battle that we can finally sink our teeth in to. It’s been a long time coming. See the problem with building a bracket from entirely fictional things is that if you do it randomly, you’re stuck with the luck of the draw. If you select specific teams for specific slots, you’re chastised for setting things up. So we tend to stick to the random method. Which leads, for some reason, to being chastised for setting things up. Anyways, I think my smackdowns of late have been too much catering to the internet crowd, so today, it’s just for me.

The Arena draws to a hush as the teams enter. The crowd is filled with with spectators, some of them former JLA members, the majority made up of othe X-Men, 6000 strong. The horn goes to start the match.

The Flash moves at imperceptible speed, ravaging through the X-Men, taking one after another down in less than a heartbeat. He stands over their collapsed bodies, blows on his knuckles, and waits for his teammates to congratulate him.

Sadly, this occurs only in his head. In the arena, Jean Grey has entered his mind, and is holding him motionless, but since she is kind and hot, and it makes for a better story, she’s also projecting these things in his head.

Colossus heads straight for Superman and tries to restart the Cold War. Knowing that Superman is ultimately stronger, he relies on his artistic soul and his spirit to carry the day. Their battle continues on…

Cyclops is firing optic blasts at everything in sight, forcing Batman on to the defensive, as he dodges and weaves through them, trying to get closer to Cyke.

Wolverine is barreling through the middle, heading for Aquaman, who is still trying to figure out how he pulled this duty, rather than, say, Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. He sees Wolvie coming fast, and gets nervous. Wonder Woman comes to his aid, knocking Wolvie to the ground, and throwing her lasso around him.

“Why are you doing this?” she asks. Forced to tell the truth, he admits “It’s a distraction.”

“For what?” she asks quizzically.

“For Jean and Rogue to do their thing.” He says, smiling.

Wonder Woman turns and sees Rogue walk up to a still frozen Flash, and lay a huge kiss on him, tongue and everything. Flash crumples to the ground, and Rogue starts smiling as she takes stock of what she’s now capable of.

Before she can pull in her breath to say “Uh oh”, she and Aquaman are down for the count, courtesy of the Southern Speedster.

In the meantime, Colossus is in trouble, as Superman is pounding him around the stadium, and Cyclops’s time has run out. Batman closes the distance, and drops him with a well placed karate chop to the back of the head. He turns, ready to move forward with his meticulously well crafted plan, takes note of the location of Colossus, Jean, and Wolverine. Unable to see Rogue, he quickly grabs for his belt, looking for something that will give him vision in the infra-red. As he does this, he feels his brain starting to get hot, and then worries only about finding a drink of water. He walks toward the exit, and Wolverine takes him down with a few quick snickts. Jean’s mind control is proving to be unstoppable.

Now Superman is alone, once again, as he truly always is. Though he tries to fit in, and be one of us, he never will, as he is an outsider. This makes him sad. He grows tired of the distraction of Colossus, and throws him aside. He makes a beeline for Jean Grey, in an attempt to remove her from the fight. as he closes, he bounces off an invisible shield, composed of both Jean’s TK and Rogue’s wall of air. As Supes gets to his feet, he’s knocked over by Wolvie smashing into him, a la Fastball Special. As he rises again, he sees Rogue in his face. She kisses him. “I don’t think you can take my power,” he says. “Because technically, I’m simply strong due to the color of the sun.” “Ah don’t need your power, sugah. But y’all have a nice nap”. A fully powered Superman drifts off to sleep.

The X-men pick up Cyclops, and they all head back to the Mansion for a Claremont era softball game.

Winner: The X-Men

The Internet: Okay Tbinns. Let’s have it. X-men vs. Justice League. Go.

Tbinns: No.

The Internet: No? What do you mean no? It’s Friday. It’s Smackdown Day. You write something, we call you names. That’s how this works.

Tbinns: No. Not today. I don’t feel like it.

The Internet: Then just phone it in like you always do.

Tbinns: Bite me. Piss off, I’m not doing it.

The Internet: Wait a minute, are you…are you SULKING?

Tbinns: No, I am not sulking. I just feel like staying here in the bedroom with the door shut playing Moving Pictures over and over and writing letters to people I hate while stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies that have a little bit of jam in the bottom of them.

The Internet: The chocolate coated ones that look like a bowler hat?

Tbinns: Yes.

The Internet: Those are awesome. Can we have one?

Tbinns: No, fuck off.

The Internet: Awwww…what’s the matter little buddy?

Tbinns: Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m certainly not upset because the Defenders got knocked out, after I SPECIFICALLY put them in the tournament so Superman could get completely fucked up the ass on both a magical and sub atomic level. Why would I be upset that the Hulk, one of my personal favourites was dismissed completely because SOMEBODY that writes for this site is uncomfortable with the fact that he has fantasies about putting Namor’s ankle wings behind his ears and doing a little submarining of his own. So he writes about how much he hates him, dismisses the Defenders completely, then overcompensates by writing superheroine lesbian erotica.

The Internet: Ooooookaaaayyyy….so you’re not going to post anything?

Tbinns: No, if I do, you’ll just complain anyway, and my Defenders are out, so what’s the point?

The Internet: So, we’ll just put you down for the Justice League then, and move on?

Tbinns: Uhhhh…no.

The Internet: No? You are voting for the X-men? So we were right all along, and you don’t know anything about comics AT ALL? And you are a douche bag and you aren’t funny or entertaining and we can sardonically refer to you as a “writer” in quotes, and call you a cocksmoker because Fark doesn’t greenlight our blog and we deeply resent you?

Tbinns: Well, IF I were writing today I would have to point out that the whole thing depends on taking out The X factor. In this case, Batman and the “Batman has a plan for that.” argument. Admin Rock will tell you all about it, if he takes his lips off of Bruce Wayne’s ass long enough to.

The Internet: Boy you ARE in a pissy mood.

Tbinns: Observe carefully people.

Before the bell goes and the fight officially begins, Wolverine lights up a stoagie and strides to the centre of the Arena. He holds his hand in the air. Slowly a microphone comes down from the ceiling.

WOLVERINE: Listen up candy asses. As of right now, I’m only interested in ONE of you. Two if you count the Amazon broad, but we’ll save that one for later. Right now, I just want to go one on one with your best.

Superman takes a step forward…

WOLVERINE: Not so fast Boyscout, I ain’t talking to you. Batman. I’m calling your ass OUT.

The crowd goes apeshit. Wolvie smiles.

Because the Batman does have a weakness. Pride. Time and time again he tries to go toe to toe with physically superior foes, only to get his ass kicked. Then he comes back later to defeat his enemy using smarts rather than brawn. (See the Mutant Leader in Dark Knight, also Bane)But his instinct is to punish, to beat them down physically. There is no way on God’s green earth Batman will back down from this. Any plans he may have had, any elaborate schemes he’s been plotting just went out the window.

SUPERMAN: Bruce, we are a team…don’t let him goad you into anything stupid…

But Batman shoots him that look. It’s too late. Damage has been done. Batman walks out to the middle of the arena.

Snikt.

“Let’s see what you got, bub.”

Crowd goes wild, and it’s a blur of claws and cape…

The two go toe to toe for several minutes back and forth, when the buzzer sounds.

Flash disappears, looking to help Batman and take Wolvie out, but he is stopped, he hits the ground at Wolverines feet, taken out with a football style tackle.

Because Pietro gave Rogue a nice, long good luck hug before the match. And now she’s giving him the very same hug. A good long, draining hug. Flash is on the floor dizzy, and weak when Rogue knocks him out.

Superman flies straight up, only to grip his head and drop back down to the floor. Jean is in there good and she is fucking him up.

Cyc blasts away at Aquaman, while Colossus makes a beeline for Wonder Woman. He knows he’s not going to beat her, he just has to keep her busy, which he does admirably.

Rogue now has the Flash’s powers, she is zipping around doing all kinds of damage. She takes out Aquaman. Ties up Wonder Woman at super sonic speed. Then she zips up to Superman and gives him a gentle touch as well.

The Wolverine Batman brawl has spilled out into the crowd, the lobby, the street…

Superman finally manages to shake off Jean. He is drained, weakened, disoriented, and facing Rogue, who now has his powers, Colossus, and a continuing onslaught of psychic attacks from Jean. That’s when Cyc adjusts his visor to the new modification that Beast gave him. The one that focuses the beams through kryptonite.

“Let’s finish it up” He says.

And THAT is how the X-men beat the Justice League.

So IF I was writing an article this week that’s how it would go. So put me down for the X-men, and fuck off.

But if you are going out, I could use another package of Mallow cookies.

P.S. Somewhere in the distant hills, Batman and Wolverine are still fighting it out.

Winner: The X-Men

Decision: The X-Men

And so, the The X-Men defy the odds and move on to face the Avengers in what will assuredly not be a repeat of the terrible mini series of decades past, nor the equally terrible Utopia of only a few years past.

Comments are welcome below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have DC’s Justice League taking on Marvel’s first family, The Fantastic Four.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

Vs.

The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

RobbieRobTown:

I am not a comic book expert. “Why do you write for a comic book blog?” you might ask. I’m glad that you raised the question. I write for a comedy website, and it just so happens that our big “business” is in comic books. I do not know everything about comic books (nor comedy) but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to enrage nerds nerdier than me, and I am surprised by the legion of angry nerds that actually are much nerdier than me- I thought I was an extreme, turns out I’m more MOR than MOR adult oriented radio.

In any case, I have taken, in the past year, to doing research for these articles by reading metric buttloads of comics. For these smackdowns, I quite often go back to the beginning. When I wanted to find out more about Batman, I read a DC treasury of the early Batman comics. X-Men? Same deal, I went straight back to the Lee/Kirby stuff, first twenty issues, and then I read the first fifty Claremont issues, before he turned the suck dial up to 10. I have read many, many, many origin stories, and many, many, many early narratives. I have come to a few conclusions which I think may be pertinent to my discussion of the winner of this smackdown.

1. Origin stories are way more lame than you remember, and they are only cool now because they have been retold by more effective storytellers than the original writers.

2. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby had WAY too much stuff to do in the early days at Marvel. WAY. In a few days I will post a companion piece to this to demonstrate that Kirby was far from infallible.

I mention this because I am going to give this fight to the JLA. I am giving this fight to the JLA because I hate, hate, HATE the entire early Fantastic Four catalogue. HATE. The other boys will write you plausible stories about how long Sue Richards’ invisible shield can withstand Superman’s x-ray vision, or whatever. The boys are more expert than I, and they will gleefully provide you with fodder to fire your canon at (see what I did there?). I however, am going to tell you why I despise the FF so much.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were writing a lot of titles by 1961, but they weren’t rich. Not rich at all. This is why, I believe, that issue 3, and even more so, issue 6 feature huge unnecessary panels showing off the Richards’ super-keen-neato apartment featuring such awesome superhero necessities as a “Giant map room” ( guess what’s in it) and a “projection room and closed circuit TV control” (you know, closed circuit TV, so Thing could watch Sue shower and jack off until he jizzes pebbles?). Then, once Lee and Kirby had a swinging imaginary bachelor pad, they gave their hero a hot girlfriend, and lest he lose Sue to someone else, ruining the adolescent fantasy, Lee and Kirby make sure the other dudes on the team are sexually non-threatening. One dude is related to Sue, and Thingy has a gross penis and is too bumpy for loving (more on Jack Kirby’s “Giant Crotch” phase next week).

Then, they make  with the names: Fantasti-Car! Fantasti-Copter! Faantasti-tarded, you guys. They even have a Bat Signal, but it is a number 4 shaped flare. I know, harping on the plausibility of a firework that can write a boldface number 4 in the sky against all the gamma ray shit is a minor quibble. Nonetheless, it comes out of a normal flare gun. Lamers. And the dialogue, oh Stan the dialogue…

Next time, I’ll pick on the JLA for being a glorified Super Friends, but for now, I hate the Fantastic Four, they suck ass, and I regret the $27.50 Canadian I spent reading the first ten issues that not even Doc Doom can improve. Probably because of all the goddamn Sub-Mariner, and you people know how I feel about his inexplicable motives and his ridiculous tiny ankle-wings.

Winner: JLA

Tbinns

I have a feeling this isn’t going to be the cakewalk everyone says it’s going to be. Let’s have a look at the old tale of the tape here…

The Brains: Superman likes to THINK he’s in charge, but when it comes down to strategy, the Batman will be calling the shots. Reed will be doing the thinking for the FF. Both are geniuses in different ways, one is a tactician, the other a scientist. It’s kind of like pitting Patton against Einstein. Both are masters of the ancient art of Deus Ex Machina, and both have been known to make total DICK moves for the sake of what they deem to be the general good. However since it’s a fight and not a science fair, I have to give the advantage to Bats here.

The Muscle: Superman and Wonder Woman vs. The Thing. Ben would have his hands full with just one of these two. It’s a good thing he is tough and can take a lot because he is about to get his ass whooped. Advantage JLA

The Wildcards: Flash and (giggle) Aquaman vs. The Human Torch. Flash is nigh impossible to take out of any equation, and Aquaman is nigh impossible to take seriously. But if it comes down to Johnny vs. The Flash, I’m giving it to the Flash. So once again JLA.

On paper, it’s pretty cut and dry, let’s see how it goes down…

Batman knows the first order of business is to take Sue Storm out. And not for a nice dinner either. Mr. Fantastic’s main concern, protect the wife, and keep Superman and Wonder Woman at bay.

Fortunately he has had two days to research and plan.

Unfortunately so has Batman. But I think on a gadget to gadget basis, this is the one and only area where Reed is better than Batman.

Both teams are in opposite ends of the arena. There’s a lot of smiling and waving going on. Buzzer sounds…Flash disappears, and so does Sue. Batman shoots his gun and gets taken straight up to the rafters, disappearing into the dark.

“Anybody Know what time it is?” Ben asks.

Aquaman exits stage left.

Wonder Woman charges with an Amazonian battle cry

Superman flies up and aims a heat blast at Reed.

Meanwhile, at the very southernmost tip of South America, The Flash finally stops and puts down Sue.

“Sorry about that, Ma’am” says the Flash. “I hope I didn’t hurt you”

“No problem Dude” says the surprisingly masculine voice “I hope your suit is fireproof”

The blonde wig burns off of Johhny as he lets off a massive heat blast.

Back at the arena, Superman is surprised to find his heat ray has no effect, like there is some kind of shielding going on…

Reed presses the button on a remote, sending a signal to a tower atop a nearby building. The brother sister switcharoo has bought them about a minute and a half…

A blast from Sue sends The JLA Careening backwards

Reed’s plan is going perfectly.

And then phase two…Ben steps out from behind the shield, with a number of green crystals embedded in his skin…”It’s clobberin time” he mutters with a grin.

In South America, The Flash, moving faster than the fire blast, literally runs circles around Johnny until he can’t muster a flame. Then he takes off back for the arena. At that precise moment, an insanely hot South American girl steps onto the beach, and smiles at Johnny.

“Hello there…” he says with a smile. Johnny is out of the fight…he’s gonna be here awhile.

The Thing clocks Superman a good one, sending him skittering across the arena floor. Wonder Woman has no problem with Kryptonite, so she drop kicks Ben in the chest, sending HIM reeling backwards.

Aquaman runs back in with a bucket of water. He climbs in it. “Come on you fuckers” he screams from his bucket…”Come get some!!”

“Where the hell is Wally”? thinks Wonder Woman as she tries to sweep Ben’s legs out from under him, and receives a big stone fist to the midsection for her trouble.

The answer to that question is in a taxi, because the second he set foot in the city, Reed’s well placed device completely dampened his speed force for a 50 mile radius

Superman gets up and is hit with another energy blast.

In the Lobby, the fish in the fish tank really want to help out, but can’t really do anything

Reed stretches himself around Wonder Woman, tying her up, which according to legend, she both hates and really really digs. This leaves Ben to deal with Superman. Sue has disappeared, leaving only the odd energy blast to give any hint of where she is.

“I’m Waaaaitiiiing” screams Aquaman.

The JLA are actually in trouble here

But Batman is never going to be caught without a Plan B. Wearing special energy signature goggles, he finds Sue, and takes her out with a specially designed vibrating anti shield dart. Sue reappears and drops in a heap.

Reed stretches over to check on her and is taken out by the Whatever Plan I Have In My Data Base To Take Out Ralph Dibney Or Plastic Man If They Ever Go Rogue Device (Wayne Enterprises, Patent Pending) This frees Wonder Woman, who combined with Superman (From a distance, with freezing attacks) start whooping the tar out of the Thing.

The Thing does NOT give up however, until Reed wakes up and concedes. Hands are shaken, crowd goes wild. Everyone goes to a little pub on Yancy Street to celebrate a great fight, Except Batman, who has some sulking to do, and the Flash, who shows up at the arena 20 minutes after everyone leaves, owing to Midtown Traffic.

And just to piss off Aquaman, everyone orders fish and chips.

Winner : JLA

But it was NO Cakewalk.

admin_Rock:

The Justice League is arguably the strongest super team ever formed. DC is not known for it’s team books, as they tend to concentrate on the individual heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, makes team books on a whim. In general, DC characters are stronger than Marvel, so it stands to reason that the DC team would be stronger than the average Marvel team. But individual strength does not a team make.

In the lineup for the JLA, you have DC’s Trinity of power, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. They alone are more than enough to beat most teams. Add in The Flash and Aquaman, and there’s a lot of power here.

The Fantastic Four have the advantage of being family, and of having worked together pretty much exclusively. They can react like a team in ways other teams can only imagine.

Much debate has been bantered about concerning the Batman Deus Ex Machina, the idea that Batman is the master planner, and that he can prepare for any contingency. I’m stacking that up against the scientific genius of Reed Richards, and I’m saying Reed comes out ahead here. This is because he has the advantage of studying all the parallel earths and discussing the upcoming battle with every other Reed Richards that has time to chat. So this is how it plays out:

The battle horn goes, and Flash moves to end things instantly. He aims to slam in to Sue, but is bounced off of her protective bubble. Simultaneously, he’s knocked unconscious by Reed’s Free-Wave device, built to render the Flash’s powers null and void. The beam encompasses him, knocks him out, and places him in the negative zone, pretty much instantly.

While that’s going on, Ben Grimm has hurtled a railing at Superman. Supes takes great offence to this, and begins knocking The Thing around the arena. Batman is on the run from The Human Torch, who is throwing fire and moving Batman to the side of the arena. Superman is pummeling The Thing into the ground, and notices him laughing. “Why are you laughing?” he asks, in his boring usual tone. “You’re losing.” “Heh”, says Ben Grimm. “Look again”. As Superman looks back towards the others, he sees Wonder Woman and Aquaman lying on the ground, completely out. “That’s our girl”, says The Thing.

For, while the big guns are busy fighting off their assailants, Sue has been busy. She’s formed a small bubble over Aquaman’s head, depriving him of air, and created a tiny bubble inside Diana’s neck, which stops the flow of blood to her head.

Batman sees an opening, and fires an extinguishing foam he’s built for the occasion at The Torch, but while he watches it take effect, he’s blanketed by Mr. Fantastic, who tazes Batman, paralyzing his muscles. Superman charges at Sue, slamming into her defensive shield, knocking her over. Before he’s able to take advantage, he looks up and notices that the arena’s sun has changed to Red, courtesy of Reed’s Spectra-Wave, and He realizes he’s weakening. Then, from behind, he hears “it’s Clobbering Time”, and joins the others in nap.

Game, Set and Match to The Fantastic Four.

Winner: The Fantastic Four

Decision: Split Decision to The Justice League

The Justice League move on to the next round. Tune in next week to see who advances as the USA takes on Canada, as The Avengers battle Alpha Force.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

Think Flash would win also but the Marvelites will argue that the X-factor (underdog winner) goes to Spidey all the time.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

Part one of a series of articles in which the Correctness recasts some our favourite comic book heroines, and reclaims them from some performances that left…some room for improvement. This week, we tackle Superman’s REAL weakness, Ms. Lois Lane.

Who is Being Replaced? Kate Bosworth

Superman Returns was, I think we can all agree, a bit of a misfire. It had a number of problems (Superman lifting a kryptonite continent into the sky after being stabbed by kryptonite being a big one for me) but it had its share of good things too.(Plane sequence was awesome)Many internet pundits complained about Kate Bosworth’s Lois, said she was bland and possessed none of the fire Lois really needs. In a way she became, fairly or unfairly, a microcosm of everyone’s problem with the movie. Pretty, but ultimately empty and unmoving. Personally, I didn’t think she was horrible, but I do think she was miscast. So let’s see if we can do any better…

PLEASE NOTE: I will not be recasting Erica Durance because I do not give a shit about Smallville. There, I said it. The Justice League are not hunky douchebags. Superman 90210 can suck my balls.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here’s a few people who probably could have done better with the part, but for one reason or another, didn’t quite make the Top 3

Grace Park

If they can cast Kingpin as an African American then I have no problem giving the part of Lois to Grace Park, who has tons of Geek Cred, and displayed plenty of sassy attitude during her run on Battlestar Galactica. She can pull off the action sequences and the romance sequences equally well and I think she’s a great choice for a fresh take on the character.

Jennifer Connolly

She might be a little sick of playing the female love interest for insanely strong beings, but she is a damned good actress and let’s face it, still rather breathtaking. She has the right look for either a period piece (see the Rocketeer) or more contemporary version. Some might argue she is a little old for a “reimagining”, but I think with a good Superman in the same age bracket, we’d have something pretty memorable on our hands.

Natalie Portman

Yes, yes, the nerds and their weird, sick Natalie Portman obsession, but dreadful Star Wars work aside, she can act, she’s smart, sexy, and I can completely buy her charging into deep shit to get the story. She might be a little on the petite side, but I think she makes up for it with pure sass. To be honest with you, I don’t think she would have made my list had it not been for the Natalie Raps thing on SNL. “I never said I was a role model.” That sounds like Lois to me.

The “If I Had A Time Machine Award” goes to…

Pheobe Cates circa 1983

Giggidy.

Giggidy.

Goo.

The downside of course is that a Superman of that era would likely be Matthew Broderick, or worse Arnold Schwartzenegger. On the other hand, I’m sure there would be lots of excuses to put Lois in a bikini. You take the good, you take the bad.

THE TOP THREE

#3 Anne Hathaway

Here she is, the only reason you rented Havoc. She’s been nominated for Oscars, showed us her depth (and a couple of other things) in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married, and she has performed as Viola in Shakespeare in the Park in NYC. There is no doubt Ms. Hathaway has the chops, but she’s also got the right look, and Bride Wars aside, her career is white hot right now. She adds a touch of class to even the silliest movies she does, and many a drooling nerd would slap down 15 bucks to see her as Lois.

#2 Zooey Deschanell

I want you all to do me a favour. Go to your local bookstore and hunt around in the bargain bin for a copy of the Secret. Then, follow whatever it tells you about focusing your wishing power to make stuff happen. Then close your eyes and wish like a motherfucker for a stylized 1930′s Fleischer-esque Superman movie starring Jon Hamm and Zooey Deschanell, featuring a tricked out steampunk Brainiac as the villain.

WISH HARDER!!!!!

and my Number 1 Choice for a recast of Lois Lane

#1 Olivia Wilde

Is that, or is that not a face that would bring Superman to his knees? She plays a strong professional woman every week on House, and with that dark hair she almost LOOKS like something out of a Bruce Timm cartoon.
She’s like Megan Fox with 75% more brains and 100% less skank. I mean LOOK at her…

To my mind if she is hot enough to marry a Prince, she is certainly hot enough for Superman.

So, who did I miss? Am I way off? Let me know what you think below, and stay tuned next week when we tackle recasting Mary Jane Watson

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!

Well gang the Superhero Smackdown continues, after a less controversial but still somewhat contested victory for Superman. There has also been a line up change…

As you can see we have removed Aquaman from the competition, as really Namor is the only person he should be squaring off with, and replaced him with Spawn. We were flirting with Spawn vs. Hellboy, sort of a Battle from Hell thingy, but we had our hearts set on a showdown with the Hulk.

We have received some great feedback, keep it coming. In particular, we received one that told us to set the scene a little more carefully, as environment is a crucial factor in deciding who would win. We agree with this and will set the environmental parameters a little more carefully in the future.

We look forward to being called “Dipshits” this Friday. Hulk vs, Hellboy. It’s gonna hurt. Join us, won’t you?