It started like any other day in Metropolis. People were commuting to work, going about their daily lives, being blase about an invulnerable man who can fly, numb from the number of times their city had been threatened by giant somethings from space. When suddenly a giant tear in the fabric of the universe! Very few even looked up from their coffee, a pervasive “Ehhh…whatever, Superman will take care of it” attitude having taken hold of a populace weary of wonders.

When the giant saucer arrived, there were some perfunctory screams… you know, for the sake of form. When the giant infant piloting the craft began his drooling destruction of the city, The Mayor shrugged and made a phone call…

To the Justice league!!!

Superman flies straight in for the direct attack

Big mistake

He is crushed by Giant Baby and his own hubris

“This is worse than Doomsday” he mutters. Meanwhile The citizens of Metropolis gather around water oolers to discuss Metropolis Idol

The Man of Steel is down for the count

Next up, the Green Lantern takes his shot

Too much yellow matter in the diaper… the ring is Useless!

Neither willpower nor box office can save him now

He has been been “Paralaxed”

Off goes the Flash!

He attempts to create a vortex to send the infant back where it came from

But he gets too close!

Not fast enough Flash!

Your ass has been rebooted.

Here comes Wonder Wom…oh. Crap.

Invisable Jet Down!!!

No amount of Yoga is going to make that not hurt.

and with one swift motion…

He does to her what ABC did to her new TV show.

But wait…look behind you Giant Infant!!!

Batman’s well placed distraction is working!!! The trap is about to be sprung!

Batman lands the drop kick…the baby is furious!!!

But Batman has no powers…

and an angry baby is worse than ten angry Bane’s

Knightfall!

“You are next Avengers!!!!” he screams

“Do you Hear me? YOU ARE NEXT!!!!”

“Spider senses tingling…oh shit!”

Damn right!

Tbinns Junior is Victorious. Metropolis is destroyed. Part of them are relieved. Stay tuned…coming soon, Tbinns Junior takes on…THE AVENGERS!

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week it’s the first round of the Semi-Finals! The Avengers vs. The Defenders! The Battle of the Ers.

The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk)
versus
The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp -Janet)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

admin_Rock:

I know most of you are here to see if RobbieRobTown has gone entirely off the deep end, or whether he’s just lazing in the sun in his speedo, dangling his toes in to the water, so no personal stories, no remembrances of these books being read fondly when I was young. I was never a fan of the Avengers, and the Defenders were a cut rate book even then. Hell, I still don’t buy the Avengers books, even though Marvel has gone all X-Men and pumped out 37 Avengers titles per month. They do things like relaunching New Avengers, which caused a 50,000 copy boost for #1, 45,000 of which failed to buy issue 2. But I digress.

The battle begins! Hawkeye and Wasp quickly go to work on Doctor Strange, employing an “all ranges” tactic whereby Wasp gets in close and interrupts Strange with annoying close-range flybys while Hawkeye starts firing arrows at him. Strange is capable of handling such distractions, but the combination is jarring and unsettling to him, such that he’s unable to focus fully, and eventually, an arrow slips through, nicking his jugular, causing him to pass out.

Meanwhile, Thor has launched himself at Hulk, and the two are going full bore at each other. I mean that literally. They are both boring one another fully. Hulk seems to be the stronger of the two, but Thor has a badass hammer, and is making loud thunder booms and such. At any rate, they’ll clearly be at this for a while.

Iron Man and the cut rate Aquaman are flying above the stadium. Namor is attempting to find a weakness in the armor, while Stark is simply running a sub-routine which does exactly that. He fires his repulsors, then flies in, and grabs namor, taking him to full speed, then heading toward the ground, releasing him at the last second, leaving fish brains scattered across the field.

Captain America and Silver Surfer are having a bland-off in the centre of the ring. The Surfer wields the Power Cosmic, but Captain America has a curvy shield with a star on it, and the indignant bluster of an American tourist on his side. He holds off the Surfer’s attacks by dodging and throwing his shield and such. This lasts until Iron Man is done with Namor, and able to assist. The two of them combine to knock Norin Radd off his board, where Cap is able to bring all the power of the US national debt down upon the Surfer’s head, taking him out of the fight.

At this point, it’s everyone vs the Hulk, which is just how he likes it. However, the Hulk can only stand to be around the Avengers for so long, and soon he grows tired of their sub-par banter, and overwritten characters. Cap gets in close enough to remind the Hulk that he’s essentially a grumpy old man from the 40s, and starts on about how things were better back in his day. The Hulk rolls his eyes, distracting him long enough for Thor to give him one between the eyes, while Hawkeye and Wasp stand at the edge, too bland to add anything.

Iron Man pounds away at the Hulk as well, and they force him to the ground. He shakes them off, having recently been overpowered himself for the sake of World War Hulk, and quickly grows tired of the battle. He takes off, looking for the Red Hulk (seriously Marvel, are you fucking kidding me?) and The Defenders are done.

Winner: The Avengers.

Loser: Fans of interesting characters.

Tbinns

According to The Ultimates it takes ALL of the Avengers…at ONCE to take down the Hulk. Just the Hulk, without Namor, Strange and the Surfer.

Mind you according to the Ultimates, Hulk is also very horny and can be undone by a pair of exceedingly tiny boobs. Which means Kate Moss can take out the Hulk easier than Captain America. So let’s not go rushing into accepting Ultimate Universe as canon.

Let’s just say the Hulk and Thor are more than enough to keep each other occupied, so we can take the two of them out of the equation for now. They are beating the living shit out of each other rather spectacularly and it’s very back and forth. Cap, being the master strategist knows that taking out Strange has to be a priority. That’s where he is focusing his energy, I think. That leaves Wasp and Iron Man to deal with Namor and The Surfer respectively.

When the buzzer sounds Thor calls down the thunder on ALL of the Defenders, before launching himself at the Hulk full throttle. However, remarkably, none of the Defenders are hurt. Strange has protected them all. Not possible you say? Well…

Cap whips his shield at Dr. Strange. It bounces off, completely harmlessly. Dr. Strange doesn’t have enough time to defend himself, you say?

Iron Man launches himself and begins blasting away at the Surfer, who manages to evade said blasts. He then uses the power cosmic to rust and disintegrate Iron Man’s armor. Stark drops to the ground, naked, because we all know he goes commando. But, thanks to extremis, Stark quickly recovers, and his spare suit flies from every direction, and he is re-armed and back in the fight in seconds.. until he flies straight into a parallel plain of existence. From whence did this parallel universe portal come, you ask incredulously?

Meanwhile Wasp is making a nuisance of herself with Namor, who is making many grand pronouncements as he uselessly tries to bat away the stinging wasp ray thingies. Until she freezes , completely paralyzed and hanging in mid air. Then, Namor flicks her away. How did Strange manage to paralyze the Wasp?

But…you say, and quite rightly, isn’t Cap keeping Strange way too busy for these little rescues? Well he would be, if he wasn’t fighting the 25 minor demons that have manifested into a small army of Red Skulls that attacked him almost immediately.
But wait, isn’t the timing wrong on all of this? Doesn’t Strange, need time to prepare these spells, how is he getting so much accomplished INSTANTLY?

So that means the rest if the team is free to gang up on Thor, who is eventually overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and by poorly explained powers that were expanded every time the drug addled writers of Dr. Strange had written themselves into a corner.

But before I go, I have to ask, because it’s been going through my head all morning…what was the name of that Olivia Newton John song, that was a big hit on the Xanadu soundtrack?

Yes, that’s it. Thank you Stephen. Is there anything you can’t do? No, actually there isn’t. Therefore…

Winners: The Defenders

Losers: Lovers of heroes with consistent explainable powers.

RobbieRobTown:

Fluid dynamics, basically, is the study of how objects pass through a fluid. Aerodynamics is simply an extension of this, dealing with the science of how objects pass through the air.

Fundamentally, there are two forces at work in aerodynamics. Lift, and Drag.

For an object to achieve lift with wings (yes, I know there are other ways), it must have a sufficient wingspan to generate a difference in air pressure above and below the wing, or, if the object has a very small wingspan, it must travel very, very quickly.

The more drag an object has, the more resistance to lift.

Namor has tiny ankle wings. He has tiny fucking wings on his hairless fucking ankles. He is 200 some-odd pounds of drag (albeit hairless, creepy drag) atop 2 of the most vastly impractical wings ever conceived of by God or Nature. There is only one logical reason that Namor could possibly achieve lift on those feather-and-flightless abominations south of his knees. Namor would have to travel at unfathomable speeds to get up in the air.

Look, lots of superheroes fly, but the ones with wings use their wings to fly. Namor has wings. he has tiny-fuck-miniscule-fuck-ittybitty-fucking wings. That’s okay, he’s a superhero, right? Wrong. He would have to travel so, very, very, very quickly that the friction from his own drag (despite his appalling, pedophilloic hairlessness that would make him infinitesimally smoother) would set him ablaze.

“Namor is a pretty fast swimmer!” You might say. “Isn’t there just as much friction from the water?” Yes, but water has a higher specific heat capacity than air. Also, there is less oxygen for fiery combustion. Also, shut up.

It isn’t just that Namor has those preternatural douche-flaps above his sea-water athletes foot ridden leatherette booties. It is also the fact that he has those ridiculous arching eyebrows and that equally unnerving forehead bulge. What does Sue Storm see in this guy? I know what he sees in her- when he can see her- What he sees in her is the chance for children with normal foreheads. Weird ankle-winged fishkids with normal foreheads and less pomade.

Yeah, she’s got great legs. Not him though. Tiny ankle wings. Plus, what is that speedo made of? scales? How does that action smell when it heats up due to drag?

Sub-Mariner? More like Sub-Human.

Fucking. Hate. Namor.
Winner: Avengers.

Decision: The Avengers

So The Mighty Avengers move on to the final. Tune in next week to see whether they will face The Justice League, or The X-Men.

Until then, mock us and show off your own comic book nerd skills below.

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have Marvel’s “The Defenders”, a team of non-teamers, taking on DC’s non-continuity darlings “The Watchmen, who somehow got on the roster when no one was watching them.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk) versus

The Watchmen (Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, Nite Owl, Comedian, Ozymandius)

Enough! Time to fight!

TBINNS

Large blue man, comes into arena, points his finger, The Defenders become “ The Disintegrators.”

End of Battle.

Or is it?

Believe it or not I don’t think Dr. Manhattan is the guy that’s going to win this for the Watchmen…if they win it at all. The real ace in the hole here is Ozymandias. In fact it could just be a chess game between Strange and Ozymandias

Not only is Doctor Manhattan vulnerable to magic, which means Strange could take him out of the picture fairly easily, but there is also the Silver Surfer, who with the Power Cosmic is kind of like a mini- Manhattan on his own. Any disintegrated molecules could conceivably just be re-integrated by the Surfer.

So Ozzy really has his work cut out for him. His strategy has got to be a) Protect Manhattan, keep him in the fight, b)Take out Strange and the Surfer all while fending off the muscle, Namor and, oh yeah THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

But Adrian is the smartest man in the world. He saved mankind from itself in the greatest Giant Squid Switcheroo of all time. Surely if anybody can find a way out of this, he can.

Right?

Right?

So what can he do? Well naturally he goes to Dr. Manhattan and asks him to look ahead in the future to see how the battle turns out.

“It’s not very clear…something appears to be blocking my perception of future events”

Alright. Let’s send Rorschach over to that little brownstone in Midtown and break a couple of very crucial hands…but good luck finding it behind all the magic shielding.

Rorschach’s Journal: October 17th. Searching for Dr. Strange’s hideout. . I walk the streets and smell the reek of perfume as the tourists hurry by…to stuff themselves with rich food and scurry like bourgeois sheep to trite overpriced Broadway shows. No Happy ending here. The Fat Lady is singing, none of them hear it. They don’t feel the city crying out, corrupted to it’s very soul, screaming in the night to be put out of it’s misery with…Jesus Christ WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?

No, this is not really Adrian’s style anyway. He is more likely to find a way to unleash a demon on New York and make sure Dr. Strange is busy, or fake some sort of urgent cosmic event to call the Surfer away (Maybe a fake Galactus?) He’d have Namor arrested for crimes against humanity, have Banner sealed in a bunker underground, win the thing by default.

But he only has two days. That little stunt he pulled in The Watchmen took years and years of planning and resources. He just doesn’t have the kind of time he needs to make this work out in his favour. Ultimately I think he just runs out of runway.

So here is how this goes down. Manhattan immediately tries to disintegrate everyone. Surfer stops that from happening. The two stare at each other, fascinated, in a moment that can only be called awkwardly homoerotic. As they reach out to touch each other, and study each other on a dirty, dirty subatomic level, POOF Manhattan is gone to a whole other dimension, and imprisoned there until Dr. Strange lets him go. Fortunately, he finds it fascinating so he makes no real effort to leave.

Meanwhile, Dan hits the Hulk with everything he’s got on Archie, starting with sonics. The Comedian is on top, laughing his ass off pumping gas grenades at him.

While the Hulk covers his ears (and gets madder) Namor flies up, K.O’s the Comedian rips the roof off and tears the control panel out. Sonics stop, ship starts spinning, Hulk jumps up and takes the whole thing out with one punch. Comedian, Nite Owl and Archie, out.

Ozzy starts doing backflips and shit, only to get a facefull of Surfboard. Ozzy is out

From the shadows behind Dr. Strange, Rorschach emerges. Just as he is about to club the sorcerer supreme, whom he finds suspiciously flamboyant, strange whips around and paralyzes him with the Charm of Someshitsomewriterjustmadeup.

The Defenders gather around him.

“Yield, friend. We have no wish to harm you” says Strange

“You don’t understand…” he replies..”I’m not in this arena with you, you are in this arena with ME!!!”

“Fair Enough” says the Doctor…

Then the Hulk swats him like a fly.

So not only do the Defenders beat the Watchmen…I think they have a good shot at the whole enchilada…The Defenders are Contenders.

Winner: The Defenders

Rob:

Oh, Defenders, it had to be you up first? I’m going to have a hard time being objective about this smackdown, because you Defenders are so obviously a tragic bunch of leftovers kept around to be included in inane Marvel Summer-Super-Specials (Collect ‘em all, or you might miss it when Spidey decides to take a dump in this issue, precipitating his late arrival on planet Blargon in Amazing Spidey next month!). Well, you guys entered the fight, so you asked for it.

Let’s start with Namor, FKA The Sub-Mariner. I know what you are thinking: Wasn’t he a bad guy in the Silver Age? And the answer is, “Yes, kinda.”. Namor was a bad guy in the same way that your chain-smoking nextdoor neighbour is a bad guy. He really just wants to be left alone to die from cancer, and he’s all pissed because you complained to the condo board that he smokes so much that it comes through the drywall (through the fucking drywall! how many packs a day does that take?) and he wishes you would shut up and enjoy the cancer he is providing you for free, all at his own expense. Also, this Namor dude always looks pissy and cross, and his waxed chest is impossibly shiny- I know, I know, almost all the heroes have hair free chests, but this guy has that Mediterranean look about him, and hairlessness doesn’t seem right. I don’t trust his fishy damn plans, or his fishy Deforest Kelley raised eyebrows, which also appear to have been waxed. And that scaly Speedo? Need I go on? TINY WINGS ON HIS ANKLES?

Then there is the Silver Surfer. If I wanted to hear an emo beach kid spout psychedelic bullshit, I’d go back to my university summer job as a camp counsellor. What are the Silver Surfer’s powers? He surfs in space? Wasn’t he a herald of Galactus? Doesn’t that make him a glorified bike courier with bad news? If I got served legal papers by a mopey stoner, I’d be even more depressed than usual, and I’m not exactly Commander Peppy these days.

Doctor Strange has magic, so he’s a wild card in the Superhero universe. You might remember Doctor Strange from some of his more famous Marvel narratives like “Doctor Strange and the Philosopher’s Stone” or “Doctor Strange and the Goblet of Fire”. Gripping stuff.

So far, that’s 3 out of 4 dudes who are lacking in the masculinity department. As you recall, we have stopped using “gay” as a shorthand to describe these types of men, because it did an immense disservice to our many gay friends, some of whom are decidedly manly and rugged.  No, these guys are more just ball-shriveling disappointments to maleness. Even straight, skinny, effeminate ol’ me looks like James Bond next to these fellows, and I haven’t managed to please a woman since-like almost never. I have almost never pleased a woman, and I don’t have tiny ankle-wings making it functionally impossible, thank God.

Then there is Hulk. He is green and angry, and I have warmed up to him. I’ll miss him on the Avengers, who I also think suck, and I’ll be sorry to see the big green lug go.

The Watchmen, unlike the Defenders, are a sly satirical study on vigilanteism, and consequently appeal to my ironic sensibilities. I like them because they make me wonder about how dumb superheroes are. I like them because they raised the same questions that Kick-Ass should have raised for most people, only The Watchmen did it successfully (I’m not blaming Kick-Ass, I’m blaming the dudes laughing for the wrong reasons at the psychotic young girl stabbing people).

Anyway,  I think this fight might be decided by Doctor Manhattan. I’m aware that Doctor Strange has Eldritch Magick, but if I know my Dungeons & Dragons (and I do), I know that Doctor Strange probably requires casting time for his Magic Missile or his Fireball, and in the mean time nobody likes being boiled inside their own skin instantly. HERE IS MY PROMISE TO YOU PEOPLE: After Doctor Manhattan evaporates the Defenders, he is going to have a metaphysical crisis, and begin to wonder deeply about his role in this smackdown. That’s right, I’m only playing the Big Blue Card once. From here on out, I will have to come up with justifiable narrative reasons for Doctor Manhattan to do anything. Cool? Aw, hell, you’ll all complain anyway. I just hate the goddamn Sub-Mariner so much. TINY ANKLE WINGS?

Winner: The Watchmen

admin_rock

Oh the evil of the randomish bracket, that starts us off with Watchmen-Defenders. This one is difficult for me, as I was never much of a fan of the Defenders, as they were pretty much one of the worst possible Marvel teams. I mean, the whole concept of the team is that they weren’t really a team, and the membership rotated a fair amount. I’m pretty sure TBinns was the only one who was excited about having them in this thing. The Watchmen, on the other hand, are a pretty interesting team. I’m a huge Alan Moore fan, and The Watchmen will forever be his greatest work (V for Vendetta in close behind). They’re an actual team, though not a very powerful one, except for the big blue guy.

Tactically, we can pretty much rule out most of the Watchmen, except for Dr. Manhattan, and maaaaybe Ozymandias. I know Rorschach is badass, but honestly, against any member of the Defenders, he’s outclassed. And if we discount him, Nite Owl is also out. The Comedian might get a lick or two in, but I think he’s still outclassed.

The Hulk tears through Rorschach and The Comedian, while Namor grabs Nite Owl and lifts him a couple hundred feet in the air, and sees if an owl can fly. Ozymandias is a pretty clever dude, but I don’t think he can handle The Power Cosmic and Namor at once. He has a couple of days to learn about them, but there’s too much speed, skill and class here. We’re talking about a former herald of Galactus, who can exist indefinitely in space.

So it comes down to this: Can Dr. Manhattan work up the interest to fight? If so, we have a Super Omega class being taking on 3 mortals and a space surfer. Really, the only question is “Can Dr. Strange’s magic take out Dr. Mathattan.” I’m gonna go ahead and say no. My reasoning? Well, even if Dr. Strange can transport him to another dimension, or tear him apart with mystical forces, we’re dealing with a being that was able to reassemble himself at the molecular level. I imagine in his mind, he’s suddenly confused as reality is altered in front of him. He frowns momentarily, and then resets his position. This comes down to two guys who can bout it out at the molecular level. I think the Surfer is the ONLY character who would have a shot at taking out Dr Manhattan, and he’s more than able to do it, as not only can he mirror the Doc’s power, but also go well beyond. It’s either a week long fight where nothing visible happens, or it’s over in an instant. But I think the Surfer comes out on top. (Weird, a totally overpowered Marvel character??? That NEVER happens. Look, I know DC has a gotten a bad rep for this, but honestly people, wake up. Other than Superman, I don’t see it. On the other hand, we have, in Marvel, a guy who manipulate metal at a molecular level and create black holes, the Power Cosmic, which allows people to also create black holes, and well, Squirrel Girl.)

I give this one to The Defenders.

Winner: The Defenders

Decision: The Defenders

So The Defenders move on to face the winner of Week 3 (The Avengers vs Alpha Flight). Tune in next week to see who comes out on top in the JLA vs Fantastic Four. Call us names, tell us why we’re wrong, and generally spout off below.

The full bracket can be seen here

Well, after a delightful lunch on a patio, The Correctness collectively decided we liked the sound of a Team Smackdown. We tossed some names out, but have yet to make any official brackets, so now is your chance to speak up.

Some things you should know…Heroes can only belong to one team in the tournament, ie: Wolverine can fight for the X-Men or The Avengers, not both. Also the teams will consist of the SPECIFIC heroes we lay out. So when we say “The Avengers” We would say “Consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Wasp, and Giant Man.” and we decide that Hulk is Fighting for the Defenders, or that we decide Hawkeye is lame and doesn’t make the cut, so be it. Let’s face it, if we let EVERYONE who has ever been an X-Man fight it would be chaos.

Here are some of the names we are kicking around so far, feel free to make your suggestions below.

The Avengers

The JSA

And don’t worry…Rob has plenty of epic side battles planned (Muppet Babies vs The Scooby Doo gang, anyone?)

So…who did we miss? Speak now or forever hold your insults.

Us: Hey you know what this site needs?

Peanut Gallery: Better writers?

Us: Bite Us!

No no, what this site needs is more impotent nerd rage. No one has insulted Robbierobtown for his non opinions on Green Lantern in so long he’s calling 1-900 numbers and asking THEM to call him an encephalitic cum eating intern.

That is not right people.

That’s why, sometime this week, The Correctness is going to sit down, eat for more food than is healthy for men of our advancing age group and talk about yet another Smackdown. As much as we’d all like to invite you out for said lunch, we know the scheduling would be a nightmare. We can’t even schedule a dinner with someone who won a contest, much less all 12 of you who regularly read the site. So instead, we offer you this spot to make your opinions known, what kind of a Smackdown would you like to see next? Here are a few suggestions that are already on the table.

Movie Action Hero Smackdown (Indy versus James Bond, that kind of thing)

Mega Power Smackdown (Thanos, Galactus, and that large headed crowd)

Loser Smackdown (A best of the worst, who is the least lame of the world’s lamest superheroes)

Ladies on Ladies Smackdown (All female superheroes. This may or may not involve spontaneous lesbianism. But knowing Rob, the chances are pretty good.)

The Same/Same Smackdown (Similar powered heroes from different universes, Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye, Quicksilver Vs. Flash, that kind of thing)

If you have any suggestions, go right ahead and lay em on us. Also, if you could say something nasty to Rob, he’d appreciate it.

Thanks to some wheeling and dealing by Tbinns, The Correctness was invited to present a live version of the Superhero Smackdown at the Calgary Comic Expo this past weekend. We discussed how to transition a season-long adventure into about 50 minutes, and whether to use the same 8 finalists. We decided to pull Superman from the bracket, as he had already won once, and it seemed to make things a bit more even.

We arrived at the Expo early in the day, and checked out the room. It was a large one, and we discussed whether there would 9 or 12 people attending the panel, as it was a) unknown to most of the attendees, and b) opposite a panel on comic book writing featuring Chris Claremont. (admin_rock entertained thoughts of skipping our panel to attend that one!)

But when 5 o’clock rolled around, and we saw the line, it was clear that we were in for a fun time!

Those of you with eagle eyes might find a member or two of the correctness in the above picture.

We took the stage, and set up the rules. 2 days prep, anything goes, winner takes all.

The 8 finalists we used were

Deadpool
Wolverine
Hulk
Flash
Batman
Green Lantern
Spider-Man
and of course

Kitty Pryde.

We discussed each match-up, and then took comments from the audience, who were great! Much fun was had by all. After the comments, we threw the question to the audience, and they chose the winners of each fight.

The panels in the other rooms must have wondered what the hell we were doing, as we made a LOT of noise…

The smackdown went as such

A side

Deadpool vs Flash = Flash
Hulk vs Green Lantern = Hulk

Flash vs Hulk = Flash

B side

Kitty Pryde vs Batman = Batman
Wolverine vs Spider-Man = Spider-Man

Batman vs Spider-Man = Batman

FINAL

Flash vs Batman = Batman

————————————–

Super Special Thanks go out to the woman without whom none of this would have looked good: Mrs. admin_rock. (admin_rack? admin_rockette?) She made us an awesome bracket board, as well as designing 2 t-shirts for the weekend.

Also, to Mrs. Tbinns (tbinette?) for providing the pics above!

And thanks to Mrs. RobbieRobTown, whomever you might be, we’re looking forward to meeting you one day.

———————————————————–

Welcome to our new readers, and we hope you enjoy the correctness. We’re also looking forward to attending more comic cons in the future, so we might be hitting your town one day soon! Lock up your daughters! Unless, of course, they are the future Mrs. RobbieRobTown.

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s the Finals! Two men enter, one man leave!!! The Flash vs. Superman for all the hypothetical marbles!! It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

ROB:

Well, it’s the final round this week, and we’ve all had a chance to reminisce about our success as a one hit wonder comedy blog, and talk about how “Keys to the VIP” is a show somehow, while The Correctness does comedy for free because we are obviously not as funny as “Keys to the VIP”, which as I previously mentioned, is somehow a televised “comedy” program for which a staff of writers and producers get paid.

Superman versus The Flash. Much has been made over who is faster. Much has been made over who is more capable of time travel. Much has been made of who could deposit a brick inside the head of whom.

Several questions are immediately raised. First, is Superman impervious to damage all the way through his meaty parts, or his he built like a mighty tank that is lined with tender meats? If The Flash just showed up inside of Superman with a cheese grater, would Supes live, or die? Or can Superman only be defeated from inside of his own body by kryptonite-coated viruses, or love?

If The Flash truly is faster than Superman, how long can The Flash flee the total devastation of his anus meats before he needs to stop for an energy drink or sandwich?

Here is how this would go down. The Flash has none of the awesome superpowers that Superman has, but he might be a teency bit faster. The green light flashes, the flag goes up, The Flash takes off fast, and Superman runs right after him.

After a 14 hour continuous chase in which The Flash makes up a bit of ground, but hasn’t gained enough time to go looking for kryptonite because Superman is right on his ass the whole way, The Flash starts to get tired. There is only one thing to do now. The Flash travels back in time, because he travels so fast, and attempts to kill baby superman with kryptonite on the Kent farm. However, Superman has travelled back into the past as well, and has prevented The Flash from being bitten by the radioactive lantern which gave him his powers.

If these time travels happened simultaneously, and logically they did, because they did these things in the past, and they would appear to be more or less simultaneous to us in the present, or maybe not, because who the fuck can figure out time travel- wait where was I going with that thought? Oh right, nowhere. Oh! No, wait, it was headed this direction:

If you, as a comic book writer, commit the cardinal sin of science fiction and create two characters that have been known to time travel, there are any number of possible outcomes, each with thousands- even dozens- of possible paradoxical narrative issues. If you have done this, as a comic book author, you are ruining Christmas forever, because Jesus hates cats that eat babies like you, you baby eating cat. You make my think-meats hurt.  Also, meats.

Look, Superman has been around a long time, and Superman is going to win. He has been written with more and more powers of convenience, and he is the iconic representation of the entire concept of Deus Ex Machina.  Flash, sure, your writers have done some ridiculous things to you, but you haven’t been ridiculousified the way that Supes has. Eventually, Superman is gonna wear The Flash down, no matter how many times The Flash can’t be hit because he isn’t there, no matter how many times The Flash leaves a brick inside of Superman’s head, No matter how much either one of them time travels. Exhausted, bloody, and somewhere in 1958, The Flash disappears in a puff of trademarked Flash powder, while Superman creepily smokes a cigar, and shits on The Flash’s corpse- what of it isn’t ashen. Supes turns into a real dick when he has to run through time like that, particularly because he won’t stop and correct other historical atrocities, but he will save Lois Lane from a mudslide.

Winner: Superman.

Loser: Kitty Pryde, who I still insist could not have ever been hit by Superman.

Draw: Meats.

DAVE:

The Finals! You can feel the electricity in the air! Nothing like it.

This matchup is one of epic proportions. We have Superman, he of almost every superpower possible, the archetype for superheros everywhere. Almost no weaknesses, apart from Kryptonite and Magic.

We have The (Barry Allen) Flash, The Scarlet Speedster, Mr. FastPants. Has the advantage of being able to do everything really quickly. Weaknesses are that he has no armor or strength to speak of, and can be felled by a solid right hook.

But in the finals, anything can happen, and usually does!

Superman flies in to begin the battle. The Flash looks up at him, and begins vibrating quickly. They engage in a number of super-fast skirmishes, faster than the eye can see. This goes on for hours. The Flash is unable to gain the upper hand. He thinks about getting his hands on some Kryptonite, or something magical. But he is thwarted in each effort by Supes, who is keeping pace.

Finally, he teleports to the JLA Watchtower, in hopes of getting his hands on some of the Kryptonite stored there before Supes can get there. As he open the case, he’s blinded by a strobing light that Superman has placed there.

As he pauses for a moment, he’s knocked over by a punch that destroys his left ear, taking his equilibrium with it. He looks up, dizzy and barely conscious. Superman is standing there, apologizing for his actions, and launching into a speech about how the true cost of being is hero is …

Suddenly, a green glowing spike appears through the S on his chest. Superman looks down, shocked and bewildered. He can’t believe this is happening. He slumps to his knees, and Barry sees the looming figure of Batman, holding a second kryptonite knife. The Batman smiles a terrifyingly evil smile, and plunges the second knife into Superman’s neck, killing him. Barry smiles and holds his hand up for Batman to take. Instead, Batman steps on his throat, crushing his windpipe and killing him.

Batman clearly faked his own death last week, and anyone with an ounce of brains knows that he’s incapable of losing to someone like The Flash. Or anyone else for that matter.

Batman vs Superman = Batman
Batman vs The Flash = Batman
Batman vs Entire JLA = Batman
Batman vs Zombies = Batman
Batman vs Every person on the planet at the same time = Batman.

You exist because he lets you. If you see him, it’s because he wants you to. Did you know what he was doing? His choice.

In fact, I’m starting a religion based on the gospel of the Bat. Why do bad things happen in the world? Because Batman wants them to. Why do innocent people drown? Not sure, but Batman knows. Is he all-powerful? As far as he wants you to know, he is.

Winner: The God-Damned Batman

Tony

Ahhhh The big day, and the big question…Do I face derision for picking the Flash?

Someinternetguy: WTF!!!!! The Flash can’t beat Superman, you’ve destroyed everything my life is about and now I’m going to dress orphans up as the Flash and beat them up wearing my Superman shirt and it is COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!!!

Or do I face derision by picking Superman?

Someotherinternetguy: Jesus, don’t you know that The Flash (Insert obscure power from back issue nobody knows or cares about here) plus he already beat Superman in issue 7 of Even More Infinite-lier Crisis, read a fucking comic book you (Insert homophobic insult about certain body fluids they imply I willingly and recreationally ingest.)

Well I do know this much. You’d be an idiot to buy this on Pay Per View because it would be all over in about 6 seconds or less, and you wouldn’t see shit. Plus they’d probably charge you an arm and a leg for the three hours hyper slowed down blu-ray set, with making of documentary, interviews commentary by the winner.

Make fun of Wal mart all you want, but I guarantee you that this fictional Blu-Ray would be about 5 bucks cheaper at your local fictional Wal-Mart.

The question remains, who will be on the commentary track?

Well, with two days to prepare, I think Barry knows enough to ask Alfred if he can poke around the Batcave, vibrate his way through a lead safe and get a certain piece of jewelry that Batman always kept on hand. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’d get it couriered to him by Alfred with a note from Bruce saying :

“Dear Barry (If it wasn’t me, it would have to be you. Yes I figured that out because I’m the Goddamn Batman) Please take this with my compliments and say hello to Clark for me.”

So Barry has the kryptonite ring, and I think we all agree he is just a smidge faster than Supes.

But if we do the math, ie: 1 power versus about 40, plus Superman’s ability to do ranged heat and cold based attacks (holy crap, I sound like the Player’s Handbook!) at the end of the 6 seconds it’s Superman who is standing there.

Until…The arena floods with Kryptonite laced sea water. Superman is brought to his knees, by an entire pod of psychic dolphins. He hears a familiar laugh as his thighs begin to be eaten away by piranhas…

Aquaman has spent the whole time seething about being kicked out of the bracket FINALLY comes up with his master plan! And as Supes raises his head to blast the smirking Arthur with heat…Out of nowhere comes THE BOY WONDER! ROBIN who kicks him square in the jaw…sending him face down in the Krypto heavy water, to be consumed by rabid piranhas and a shark or two. Then it’s back to Aquaman’s pad for a “Victory party” with Robin, Aquaman, and Aqualad, who spend the night testing Arthur’s customized vibrating prosthetic hand replacements. And seeing whether or not the whole Led Zeppelin Groupie rumor is plausible.

Now THAT would be an episode and a half of Mythbusters.

No, seriously though. It’s Superman, who else could it be? I only wanted him in the bracket because I liked the idea of him and Hulk going at it, and that never really panned out. The DC Metahumans are just too powerful.

This is why I think we should do a bracket with lamer competitors. Stay tuned for Edward from Twilight vs. Pikachu.

Winner: Superman (and the Correctness! )

So there you have it. Superhero Smackdown comes to an end, with Superman standing tall. And now we know never to include him in such a tournament. Oh well, live and learn.. A big thank you to all of you, and to the folks at Fark who have been so generous with their highly prized green lights. We’ll have loads of other content for comic lovers though, including The Correctness Casting Couch, in which we recast comic book movie heroines for fun and no profit. And starting in the New Year, we might just have a fresh set of brackets for you. Of what nature? Come back and find out! Plus our usual brand of goofiness will of course continue.

If this is your stop, thanks for joining us and we hope you had a pleasant ride.

We are not sure why, but we have an inkling that you might have something to say on the topic…please do so below!

As a preview to Friday’s final Superhero Smackdown, we’re taking a long look back at the moments and comments that led us to where we are.

Most Controversial Decision:
SPIDERMAN vs GREEN LANTERN

We caught more flack from the readers on this one than any other smackdown. Many disagreed with the unanimous victory for Spider-Man. Way it goes. Click the link above to see the comments board in all its glory, full of derision and failness.

Smackdown What Broke The Server:
HULK vs HELLBOY

With too much raw power and demonic energy in the air, our former web host pulled the plug as we jammed up the interweb tubes with comic fanboy goodness. The upside is that we switched over to BlackSun, who are gods among hosts. If you need some web hosting, give them a shout, tell them The Correctness sent you.

Who picked the winners?

Keep in mind that 2 votes is enough for a win, so the percentages will be high.

In the Round of 8,

Dave 8/8
Rob 7/8
Tony 6/8

In the Quarter Finals,

Dave 4/4
Tony 4/4
Rob 3/4

In the Semi Finals

Tony 2/2
Rob 2/2
Dave 1/2

Total

Dave 13/14
Tony 12/14
Rob 12/14

Best Entries:

Dave: My favorite entry of the tournament was this one from Rob. I love it because it makes me laugh many times, and also because it became a beacon for those without any sense of humor, with which they could find their way here and point this out to the rest of us.

Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

While I’m on the subject, I would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Tony: If there was a best writer Smackdown between the three of us, I’d vote for Rob as well. Which is ironic, because he was the one who took the most shit and abuse out of any of us. Very few artists are appreciated in their time. Comparing Batman and the Flash to Wile e. Coyote and Road Runner was awesome, and his retraction of the Green Lantern origin was the Mona Lisa of Nerd baiting.

Winners of the “Anonymity + Internet = Asshole” Award

We received many, many comments on the Smackdowns, these were our favorites.

>” I have read many of your ridiculous super-hero fight predictions and have come to the conclusion that you (Tony, Rob, and Dave) are either…
1.) Totally fucking retarded
2.) Trying to piss off real comic book aficionados
or
3.) Both
In the immortal words of Matt Stone and Trey Parker; “You guys are fags!””

>“Any fights these guys have come up with or used their “humorous”logic on before has negated any present and future discussions on who would win in a fight. I realize arguing on the internet is like the special olympics, but you guys are flat out retarded to begin with.”

>“Way to phone it in, guys.
‘I don’t think my writing assignment is interesting, so here’s a story about how I planned to blow up my school!’ lolwut?
Jesus fucking Christ. Hire someone else or get a different encephalitic cum-eating intern to do this shit.”

>“The only fucktarded thing here is the writing. And the website. And the fact that I wasted time answering this.”

>“I agree these morons are smoking crack.
Where the hell did they come up with this notion for the Green Lantern’s origin?
“Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.”
Were they high as balls when they wrote this awful article?”

>“you guys are fucking idiots. INFINTE COSMIC POWER versus some dickhead teenager with homemade webshooters?
read a god damn comic book jesus.”

But it wasn’t all bad, some people were on board with us…

“Very well written, funny, well thought out, and mixed it up between the three of you.

So good job cum-dumpsters “

Some of the comments were actually COMPLIMENTARY! and didn’t use the word cumdumpster.

You guys are hilarious, keep it up
*sorry this remark isn’t more inflammatory*

This was a great response to Rob’s point in Wolverine vs. Superman, where he said the Iron Giant didn’t say “Wolverine” and make him cry at the end of that movie…

I will also point out that at no point in Red Dawn did Patrick Swayze cry out “Supermen!”

and we would be remiss not to mention Tomass doggedly rooting for his favorites, Robin and Aquaman to be reinstated and kick some ass.

Never stop the dream.

If you could go back and change our answers on any, would you? If yes, which ones?

Tony: I stand by most of what I said…but the Batman over Hulk nags at me a bit. If I had never read the Ultimates, I would have given that one to the Hulk. In fact…Can I change my answer?

Dave: You can, but unless someone else does too, it won’t make a difference.

I have no changes that I would make. Most of my entries are gut feeling-based, and thus, I go with how I feel. I would, if I could, go back and change the bracket a bit, to avoid some of the weaker match-ups, and to remove Superman, not because he’s insanely overpowered, but more because he annoys the fuck out of me.

Rob: Curiously absent, probably on his cum eating break.

So there it is. Tomorrow, Superman vs. Flash. And then we will take a little Smackdown break (because no one likes verbal abuse over the holidays) but we will continue updating our usual goofy shit every day, so do come back.

Oh and are you at all curious about who would win in a fight between the Joker and The Green Goblin? Dr. Doom and Magneto? How about Killer Croc and Abomination? Then we MIGHT just MIGHT have something for you in the New year.

Thanks for reading, lets have coffee sometime!

Love, The Correctness

The X here, in case you didn’t know is the much beloved and controversial Kitty Pryde, who, let’s face it sounds more like the name of a Country and Western singer from the 70′s than an actual Superhero. These are the brackets, stay tuned and place your bets!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

This week: The Man of Steel vs the Amazon Princess

DAVE

This one looks pretty simple at a glance. Superman is strong. Like, REALLY strong. And he’s invulnerable to pretty much everything, except rocks from space. And he can fly.

But most of those things are also true of Wonder Woman. And these two have gone toe to toe before, and it wasn’t over in a moment. Most people are going to underestimate Diana in this battle, that might be her advantage.

I think the key to the victory lies in the character traits.

Wonder Woman finds out about the impending battle. Visits Batman, gets kryptonite in lead lined box, waits for Supes to arrive.

When he does, she waits, cautiously. Superman steps forward, and launches into a monologue that lasts about 180 minutes, touching on friendship, honesty, how lonely it is to be an alien growing up on Earth. For 179 of those minutes, Diana listens, growing more and more bored, until finally her attention wavers for a moment, and Superman moves in for the knockout. One punch, and a lot of super fucking boring talking.

Because that’s who Superman is. An overpowered, uninteresting blowhard. He’s that jock from high school who can’t shut up about how great it was to be in high school, and when you friend him on facebook, all of his status updates are about how awesome it is to have friends from high school around.

Eventually, you unfriend him, and he destroys your house by dropping a tree on it. But I digress.

Winner: Superman

Rob

Golly wonkers you guys, I’m still reeling from all the bitching about how Kitty Pryde was gonna take the match and how everyone hated that idea, and then when Wolverine beat her how you all complained about that. Well, I’m not falling for that trap again. I’ll side with whoever I feel like, and you can all just complain that you are leaving the site forever, but then not leave, because I will charm you with….uh…. whatever attributes that I have which are charming.

Okay, here are some facts:

1. Superman got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive lantern on the planet Vulcan. Wonder Woman has a costume which looks better illustrated than in a live action TV show.. Edge: Hal Jordan

2. The people at the University of Wikipedia Warsaw Campus assure me that part of Wonder Woman’s incredible strength comes Amazon training involving focusing her mental energy into her body. However, “her powers would be removed, in accordance with Aphrodite’s Law, if she allowed herself to be bound or chained by a male.”. This is inarguably the hottest thing I have ever heard described, and I am in no way requesting links to the fan illustrations of Wonder Woman in compromising positions involving bondage. Edge: Wonder Woman.

3. Not to belabour the point too much, but if Wonder Woman and Kitty Pryde found themselves in some kind of crossover in which they had to use their combined feminine powers to escape from some kind of sexy dungeon, possibly Arkham Asylum, I would buy all six issues of that miniseries. It would be best if there was some kind of tentacled creature involved as well. Edge: Wonder Woman

4. Superman is Superman. Deus Ex Machina. He is like what Baptists think Jesus is like. Edge: Superman

5. Has anyone else read Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”? It has nothing to do with this fight, but it sure as hell makes me think.

6. So, Maybe Kitty Pryde has to gently kiss some kind of toxic poison off the lips of Wonder Woman, but then, a single strand of this poison which is only dangerous to WW trickles down her midriff and to regions lower. What is Kitty Pryde to do?  The soft lighting of the dungeon and the scent of incense fills the room with an aura reminiscent of hot summers by the lakeshore, with a looming thunderstorm that might cool things down just so… Once the poison has been removed, the two share a strange silent moment of closeness.

Anywho, this is a fight to the death, and we have to assume that Clark Kent would get the fuck over himself, and kill Wonder Woman. No amount of boy scout ethics or Kent-Farm-Wisdom will stop him from annihilating her. This is too bad, because she’s about the only living woman he could breed with successfully. Assuming, that is, that their DNA was compatible, which it cannot for any fathomable reason be. Kryptonians are solar powered freaks, and humans are easily killed by swine flu.

Winner: Superman

Loser: Superman’s future babies.

TONY

Where this one gets interesting of course, if one can claim that it is at all, is that because these two work together so closely, they absolutely know how to exploit each others weaknesses.

and then will completely fail to do so based on a strong sense of honor.

So it’ll be knock down drag out. I don’t think she’d use kryptonite, even if she could get some. It would seem like “Cheating”

Late era Wonder women as opposed to her sexist/fetishist earlier incarnations, has been written more Xena and less She Sa if you take my meaning. She’s a warrior, with a berserker streak. She often chides Superman for NOT using everything he’s got and behaving like the God he is. Plus she’s got a magic sword that cuts through everything like butter. Apparently she’s even taken Bats AND Supes out before. there is precedence and canon here.

But that said…I’m still giving it to Superman. There is just too much going on with that dude power wise. It’s almost like at some point they just made up a new power for him every week, and then they were stuck with them all.That’s how his crappier villains were born.

“Uhhh…how about another Superman, with bad skin and he…talks backward?s Oh and a magic elf that won’t go away until you say his name backwards!”

They were very big on backwards in the Superman writers room at some point, it seems.

So with edge to Superman, and with deference to the whole “Just fly her into space” arguement, I’m giving this one to The big Blue Boyscout

Winner: Superman

DECISION: Superman

So the Semi Finals are Set! Flash vs Batman, Wolverine vs Superman.

Next week: Flash vs Batman!

Tell us how wrong and dumb we are below!