My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years. When Return of the Jedi was coming out, I won passes to see the sneak preview one day before it opened. It was at the Palace Theatre, an old Vaudeville house with popcorn grease permanently embedded in the walls, a beautiful balcony, a huge screen and big old echoing Dolby speakers. It has since turned into a Calgary Flames themed nightclub where the very douchebags I was trying to escape from flock to in droves. The equivalent , I suppose, of invaders looting your place of worship and ransacking it before turning it into their place of worship (See, the Crusades, The Moors in Spain, The Ottoman Turks etc.)

But I digress.

When the Original Trilogy was re-released there was a Star Wars themed store called Star Wares that had an nigh impossible trivia contest. My buddy Tom and I won, and split the prize, a complete set of Star Wars “Power of the Force” Action figures. I have since bought him out and have the whole set. I have kept them in their packages, but the price guides tell me they are worth pretty much nothing. That’s okay If I end up having a son in December, he’s going to have one hell of a 7th Birthday gift.

Which leads me to the story of how I won passes to Episode Three before it opened. The herald had a contest for passes, you had to demonstrate how big a Star Wars fan you were . I sent them the following, which had been my voicemail for some months proceeding the contest. (Working in a sound studio has some advantages) I recently had this dug up out of the archives here at work, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

Enjoy.

P.S. More Trivia in the line up, won more prizes, including Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, which no one will play with me because they are cowards.

It is May 25th, the 33rd anniversary of the release of Star Wars, and in celebration of this momentous occasion…we are posting links to stuff we’ve already written.

Here is the link to 25 things Right with the Star Wars Universe…

and here is the link to 25 things WRONG with the Star Wars Universe

and here are our humble suggestions on what might have made a better Episode One

Bullseye this Womprat with your T-16

In further celebration of today…if your boss asks you to do something today…tell him\her in your whiniest voice that you were going to Toshee station to pick up some power converters.

Here at the Correctness, we appreciate our moms a lot. Mostly because until a few years ago, we lived in their basements, but there are many reasons to thank our moms!

admin_rock

My mom encouraged my nerdiness in oh so many ways, some of which I’m certain she didn’t (and still doesn’t) understand. The first thing I recall (apart from taking me to Star Wars, which might have been Dad’s idea) was to take me out shopping on a sick day from school. She bought be a bunch of Star Wars figures, at the princely sum of $2.00 each. I still have some of these, and have passed possession of them on to my own son, as they are 50 times cooler than the crappy assed new ones that they make.

She was also awesome about taking me to get games for my atari, and even picked up the later games that involved hooking up a tape recorder (which I can’t recall the names of, nor find in my quick google search).

She encouraged my love of computers, buying me a Sinclair zx80 (with the extended memory module), and patiently put up with my complaining whenever a small bump caused it to disconnect. I also remember, years later, her taking me to the store to buy an Atari 800, which was pretty freaking cool.

RobbieRobTown

My Mom was a Librarian. Consequently, after being encouraged to read a lot, I was then permitted to read anything. I had no taste, and desperately trying to recapture the magic of the Lord of the Rings from the first time I read it, I spent my entire adolescence reading the worst kind of crap fiction that existed.  At the time I thought my mom didn’t understand what I saw, but I realize now she actually understood completely, and was allowing me to make my own horrible, horrible mistakes. That was sweet of her.

She used buy MAD magazine for me, when summer road trip season came around, which I thought was hilarious. It was not, I’ll have you know. I used to wonder why my parents didn’t appreciate the advanced comedic concepts contained within. Again, I was wrong, and Mom and Dad were right, just unflinchingly tolerant.

There was a lot of Lego, and immense messes of Lego because of the Lego. My Mom took me to see Return of the Jedi in a real theatre! My mom also got on the 4 month-long reservation list to see worn out copies of Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars on Beta. BETA!

More than anything, my mom was constantly kicking me outside. I think she had a hunch that I had special powers, and that outside is where I could go play with my elf friends, and where I was a Jedi.I don’t know how she knew, maybe she was a Jedi too?

Tbinns

My mom was from an older generation. She was a landed immigrant who grew up in wartime England, so sci fi was not even on the radar. My dad encouraged me to read Tolkien, but then again my dad encouraged reading period regardless of genre. So I think it’s fair to say that my mother encouraged nerdiness through tolerance. There was always a generous amount of Kenner Star Wars toys under the tree.

In fact, one year she was determined to get me a radio controlled R2D2. Trouble is, as I said, this was sooo NOT a part of her world. She couldn’t get “R2D2” out to save her life. It seems weird to us now that someone wouldn’t know who Artoo is but to her it was like cracking a code, and she told me she stood there in the store going through every number letter combination she could think of. Even the store clerk was having trouble remembering.

I got a radio controlled Sandcrawler that year. It was easier to remember.

There was always 5 dollars in her purse for a matinee. And her tolerance level for neighborhood kids piling over to her house and cluttering up her table with strange looking maps, lead figures and books seemed infinite. And she had hobbit like ideas about entertaining, so there was always food on offer, despite the fact that we weren’t exactly the richest family around.

I lost my dad when I was 14 (Hello Lung Cancer, my name is Tony Binns, you killa my father, prepare to die) and my mom on my 26th birthday (Heart attack). I don’t know how she contributed to my nerdiness per se, but she contributed to me being somebody who approached life with a sense of humor, and that, surely is geeky enough.

So for all the Gemini (Atari rip off) games, her patience, her nerd hosting, her buying volumes of d and d books and Star Wars stuff that she barely understood, I would like to say thanks and Happy Mother’s Day…wherever you are. I still remember exactly how you like your coffee, when we meet again.

So, for all the things they did for us, we want to thank our moms.

In our quest to continually add new things to the site, we’ve begun polling the masses (snicker.) Last week’s poll was no great surprise to anyone, and came out about how you’d figure. Behold, The Best Star Wars Movie!

Join us for this week’s poll, over there on the right. Don’t worry, we don’t use this to track you or get your email address or hit on your sister, it’s just for fun!

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, is subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.

(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)

Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.

He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.

He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”

Wald/Greedo
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”

Ki-ita Shrym
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”

The Correctness is proud to present the Comedy Stylings of TK421. Yes, we know, only one guy seems to be laughing, but some people just don’t get the subtlety of a good Bantha joke.

(Pssst. that is, in fact 1/3 of the Correctness under the helmet)

We get dozens of emails saying that The Correctness does nothing but make fun of, and mock things. Those emails are just stupid. Clearly, The Correctness is a bastion of all things good AND bad. To that end, we present the mirror opposite of our list of 25 things wrong with The Star Wars Universe. We know that the normal behavior of Star Wars fans is to shit all over the thing they claim to love the most, but if we didn’t love it in the first place, we couldn’t hate it so much.Again, these are not in any particular order.

On with it!

1. The Lightsaber

No weapon in the history of film has had as much impact as the Lightsaber. For decades now, children have been pretending to have one, making the unforgettable whhhah whhhah sound, and mistaking the pronunciation with a popular hard candy.

And why not. It’s a kick ass weapon, deadly, elegant, and glowy. It has distinct sound effects for both the activation and swinging of, and it comes in a variety of colours. And who didn’t make an excited squeal noise when they first saw the double sided bad boy Darth Maul had?

2. Boba Fett

Boba Fett is a fantastic villain, mysterious, mostly silent, hidden behind a really cool helmet. He also flies, has a BFG, and a rocket launcher on his back. Arguably, he was taken out too soon, and didn’t get a lot of screen time. This actually added to the mystery, and guaranteed his place in the list. He died like a bitch but damn if he didn’t live like a man. We think. Again the whole mystery thing. Jetpack. Cable ropes. Awesome.

3. R2D2

There is no better droid one could ask for. R2 is a faithful, stalwart companion who is completely driven with carrying out his mission, whatever that may be. The Correctness has a theory that R2’s intelligence and capacity is highly underestimated, and that he was, in fact, one of the Rebellion’s 3 Super Spies, constantly pulling strings from behind the scenes, and even hiding in plain sight much of the time.

4. John Williams

We remain firmly convinced that 30 to 40% of Darth Vader’s coolness stems directly from the “Imperial March”. Part of what got us so excited during the Episode 1 trailer (besides the double sided light saber sqeeeealll!!!) was hearing the strains of “The Force theme” in the background. Cue after cue brings us right back to the excitement of the moment. The Tie Fighter attack, the opening theme, even the Cantina theme it all comes back to us when we hear the perfect music from the Maestro. and in a similar vain…

5. Ben Burtt

Light sabers switched on, blasters firing, tie fighters roaring by, Jawas chattering, Huttese Rumblings,droid noises, Ion Cannons blasting, Racing Pods thundering by, these are highly unique, identifiable and fully awesome sounds. Ben Burtt is the driving force behind creating a complete a believable soundscape that a) puts you right in the moment, b) thrills you every time you hear it, and c) makes you want it for a ring tone.

6. Darth Vader (Particularly, Empire Strikes Back Darth Vader)

One of the great villains of all time at the height of his powers. The breathing, the voice, the armour…here was an actual PRESENCE. The best villains are the ones who don’t actually have to rant and rave and scream. The best villains are totally in control, like Don Corleone. Vader can kill you by thinking about it. He can stop laser blasts with his hands. He can kill you by thinking about it when you are on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHIP, so when he very calmly says to you

“Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?”

Rethink whatever shit you were about to pull on him immediately.

BAD ASS!!!!

7. Han Solo

We don’t know anyone who idolized Luke growing up. It was Han all the way. He had the attitude, the cool ship (more on that later) the Wicked Side-kick (More on THAT later) The Cute Girl (Definitely more on THAT later) and on top of it he had all the best lines. And back then they were funny! They are only unfunny now because we’ve been quoting them at each other for 25 years.

“I Love You”

“I know”

Classic!

8. Star Destroyers

Blast of Music. Logo. Opening crawl. Planet. Blockade runner. AND THEN SHEER FUCKING BUGSHIT CRAZY AWESOMENESS THAT SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER!!!

9. The Millennium Falcon

We have no idea what the Kessel run is, nor do we know why it is measured in unit’s of distance instead of time, but whatever it is, the Falcon clearly owned it. It, more than any other ship in the Star Wars universe, was a character more than a piece of hardware. Temperamental, vulnerable, heroic, and brave. The Correctness loves and misses the Falcon.

10. The. Metal. Bikini.

Thank you George. Thank you.

11. POV shots from spaceship cockpits

Back before high end videogames, this was the only way nerds could experience the Star Wars universe first hand. It almost took it out of movie realm and into amusement park ride.The Battle of Hoth was made 10 times cooler with pov shots, as was the Death Star trench run in A New Hope. Didn’t you used to dream of an immersive 360 photo realistic Star wars flight simulator showing up at your local arcade? no? Just us? Fine, moving on…

12. Darth Maul

Ahhh Darth Maul…who used the power of the dark side of the Force to prevent Episode One from being a total loss. Here is a direct quote heard at the first night screening of Episode One, regarding the lightsaber fight… “There’s two of them…and he’s KICKING their ASS!!” Imagine how much better the subsequent films could have been if he had been able to stick around.

13. Chewbacca

“At last, we have the mighty Chewbacca.”

It would be like hanging around with a big, loyal dog who could fly spaceships, and rip the arms off of your enemies. Who wouldn’t want that? Chewie never said a word of intelligible dialogue in 4 films and we love him anyway. Perhaps in the case of Mr. Lucas’s dialogue skills it was largely for the best. We got a tiny taste of what the Battle of Endor SHOULD HAVE BEEN in Revenge of the Sith in an all too brief battle scene on Kashyyk, but shouldas and couldas aside, wookies, and Chewie in particular are teh awesome. The Correctness has determined that Chewie was likely the second Super Spy, as he patiently pulled strings and gently nudged things in the right direction for decades.

14. Stormtrooper uniforms

Well, the armour doesn’t seem to work against rocks and sticks, much less blasters, and they clearly can’t hit shit, and if your visibilty is limited on a space station notorious for not having safety rails you might have some workman’s comp in your future, but damn if they didn’t look cool!

15 The Emperor

When faced with a script full of terrible dialogue, Shakespearean actor Ian McDiarmid made a decision. He was going to tuck a napkin into his shirt collar and mow down on the scenery for the duration of the film. His plan worked gloriously. With each passing moment we made ourselves more his servant. You practically wanted to hiss at him every time he was on screen. We’re shocked they didn’t give him a mustache to twirl.

16. George Lucas

Two Words: Lifetime Pass. Eat it Nerds, he owes you nothing. He was nowhere near your childhood on the night in question. The Prequels had way more bad than good, and it hurt us all, but we wouldn’t be so over the top about it if we didn’t insanely love what he gave us in the first place. As much as we make fun of his dialogue and curse him out, (and we do) there isn’t one of us, or dare we say one of you that wouldn’t geek out if he invited you to take a tour of the ranch. And you’d be all nervous and refer to him as “Mr. Lucas” while avoiding eye contact. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

17. The Speeder Bike Chase

If the Correctness could sum this up in 3 words it would be AAAAAAGH! LOOKOUT!!! TREES!!!! a super high speed chase (once again enhanced by POV shots) in an area where the use of such vehicles would be dangerous and stupid. So essentially they are just like ATV’s , only you have to imagine drunk assholes instead of Biker Scouts on them. A great sequence and a super cool vehicle.
18. Yoda

Told you, we did. Kick ass is he.

19. AT-ATs

Practical? No. Cool? Fuck yeah. That seems to be the Empire’s motto, now that we are thinking about it. Imperial Walkers looked nigh unbeatable. The original shock and awe tactic. They are the primary reason we play the Hoth level over and over again on Star Wars Battlefront. And unlike the Death Star, AT-ATs actually completed their mission of destroying the Rebel Base. Now if only something could be done about those pesky trippable legs.

20. Leia

This is not your typical damsel in distress. She gives as good as she gets and generally takes zero crap from anyone. Don’t believe us? Ask Jabba, who died a somewhat Carradine-esque ignominious death. She can swap a) quips with Solo, b) blaster fire with Stormtroopers, and c) spit with her brother and still have time to lead the Rebellion, and look pretty damned hot doing it.

21. Peripheral Aliens

The Correctness would like to give a big shout out to: Jawas, Sandpeople, Snaggletooth, Walrus Man, The Cantina Band, Bib Fortuna, Weequay, Rodians, Transdoshians, Hammerhead, Gammoreans, Nikto, Yak Face, Ree Yees, Sy Snoodles, Max Rebo, Lobot (WTF?) Ugnaughts and anyone else we may have forgotten for “Filling in the corners” of every frame and adding even more color to an already pretty colorful universe.

22. The Toys

The Correctness has very fond memories of opening up that Christmas or birthday present, revealing the Kenner Star Wars Logo after the first rip, and then tearing away at the rest of it like a deranged badger until we found out what we were about to add to our collection. We have less fond memories of giving all that stuff away to various young relatives only to have become insanely valuable later on. Doh.

Correctness survey question: Did you own the big expensive multi level Death Star Playset,

or the somewhat less expensive rounded cardboard dealie?

23. “No…I am your Father!!!”

Before it became a punchline this was the biggest mindfuck there ever was. This was long before the internet and spoilers, so it was the subject of SERIOUS playground debate for three years. Was he lying? The “That’s not true, that’s impossible!” faction said yes, but the “Search your Feelings” faction knew otherwise. An audible exhalation of bated breath was heard in the theatres world wide in 1983 after the words “Your father he is”.

24. Nien Nunb

That’s right, The Correctness is down with The Nunb, bitches. You might say that we are “Comfortably Nunb”. If fact, we think he is the THIRD Rebel super spy, and he is one of the few beings in the Galaxy who can pull off the whole 1920’s aviator cap thing.He could also kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a fight. Pure speculation on our part, perhaps, but we stand by it.

25. Luke Skywalker

Okay, he’s kinda whiney, but the dude is an ICON. He blew up the Death Star, rescued Princess Leia, redeemed his father, and you have to admit, he was pretty bad ass while rescuing Han from Jabba’s palace. Plus Mark Hamill went on to do a kick ass Joker. So the Correctness salutes you, Luke for being our wide eyed guide through the Universe we love so much. Tell you what, take the rest of the afternoon off, head on down to Toshi station and pick up a set of power converters on us. You deserve it, buddy.

So there it is…our Gushing Love Letter to Star Wars. We loved it then, we love it now. We make sure our kids love it, and annoy our wives and girlfriends with it. Did we miss something? Forget your favorite? Neglect to hold you like we did by the lake on Naboo? Let your outrage spill forth in the comment section.