ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Man With No Name takes on Han Solo! Western vs Star guys.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Tbinns

May I indulge in a not at all relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

I think the show New Girl should do a cross over episode with Two Broke Girls to become Two Broke New Girls. And of course by “Cross over episode” I mean Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel should make out.

Sweeps week. Make it happen.

May I indulge in a barely relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

There is a reason why I have always preferred Han Solo to Luke Skywalker…I mean apart from the obvious, he’s way cooler, less whiny, etc.

Luke Skywalker is a dick. That’s right, a dick, I said it I stand by it. Who else but a dick would shrug off the death of the people who raised him like it was nothing, even after watching their skeletal remains smoulder. He turns his head away, for like half a second…”OK! Grieving period over. Bye people who raised me. That’s what you get for not letting me go to Toshi station.” That is some cold, cold shit Skywalker. Oh, but of course losing the Old weird guy who he JUST started hanging around with is a big deal. Not enough of a big deal to actually LISTEN to the guy when he speaks to him from the great beyond and tells him NOT TO GO FACE DARTH VADER, but enough to feel sorry for himself.

You are a huge dick, Luke.

Anyway Solo versus He Who Will Hereafter Simply Be Referred To As “The Man”

Maybe I’m way off base here but I can totally see a scenario wherein the two actually agree to LET each other get to the weapons each one taking their own, going to their respective sides and turning it into a good old fashioned cowboy quick draw. I think Solo is cocky enough to take The Man up on that, and I think The Man is smart enough to suggest it.

I say smart because on the count of three …Solo is dead.

1. Because NO ONE beats The Man in a quick draw scenario. NO ONE not even Solo. And…
2. Because Han does not shoot first. Not anymore. Are you happy now, George Lucas? Han Solo is dead and it’s YOUR FAULT!!!

And the more I think about other scenarios the more it comes up in The Man’s favour. Suppose they don’t have their gentleman’s agreement? Solo is useless in a hand to hand situation. He only tried it once and screwed up, allowing two Biker Scouts to get away. The Double cross, Han agrees to the weapon exchange and then shoots the man? ? If the Man knows anything, he knows to ALWAYS be on the look out for the double cross.

Nope. I love me some Han Solo, but that does not mean he can beat The Man with No Name

Winner: The Man with No Name

Loser: Luke Skywalker. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Admin_Rock:

Tricky one for me. Haven’t seen any of the movies with The Man With No Name. Westerns generally don’t do it for me. There’s a few I’ve seen and enjoyed, but generally, I don’t care for them. Something about the genre maybe, not sure. Didn’t stick with Deadwood, though lots of people rave about it. I just find them a bit, well, dull. Firefly was great, but I think that had more to do with the space element, and some great writing.

I know Han Solo though. Most overrated hero ever. He can fly a ship, i’ll give him that. But he’s lousy in a gunfight. And that’s what we have here. A purportedly expert gunfighter against a pilot who is okay at best as shooting a gun.

As I’ve mentioned before here, I’m kinda done with Star Wars for a while. I think I’ve seen it enough. I love arguing about it, so it’s not like I’ve stopped recognizing it, etc, but I’m not worshiping at the altar anymore. So I’m not looking at Solo through the eyes of an impressionable six year old. And when you remove those glasses, he’s…not that great.

Winner: The Man With No Name

RobbieRobTown:

Okay, I always had to play Luke Skywalker when we would play “Star Wars” in our neighbourhood, because everyone else wanted to be Han. Allow me to explain the rules of “Star Wars”. Star Wars is a wide game, not unlike Hide and Seek, Kick the Can, or Capture the flag, except instead of rules and goals you play a character and then run around and announce your intentions. Come to think of it, my friends and I may have invented LARPing, except we were 5 years old, so we were free from the guilt associated with any of this.

Oh, and Lesley, it wasn’t a wedding at the end of Star Wars. It was A medal ceremony. Do you hear me Lesley? Luke and Leia do not get married… Unless she is marrying all of them? That’s just gross girl-boy stuff, man. What kind of chick wants 3 husbands, one of whom is a wookie? Yes, I know, the answer is: A girl I should probably call in my adult years…

Anyway, I didn’t get that Han was cooler when I was young. Luke was magical, and what’s up with Han? Nothing. he runs and shoots stuff. Hello! NO FORCE. What makes that guy special? Nothing.

When I finally saw Return of the Jedi in a theatre, I warmed up to Han, but by then I already had my role as Luke assigned.

The Man with No Name I remember best as being Doc Brown’s befuddled assistant from the eighties, and he smokes a cigar and throws some pie plates, and then he wears sneakers in an old west bar. Also, his mom was hot.

Both of these guys would cheat the rules and mess with the system. Both of these guys would rather not be here. Both of these guys would assassinate Darth Vader.

Oh, and I’m sure Admin-Rock has already mentioned this, but as he so rightly pointed out to me the other day, it is NOT that Han shot first, it is more that Greedo NEVER SHOT AT ALL.

The dialogue here is entirely dependent on who has written the script. Can we pretend it is Lawrence Kasdan?

Han: Something kind of witty, but not too much.

MWNN: …

Han: Something Cocky.

MWNN: …

Han: !!!

MWNN: .

And then Han shoots first, or more correctly, The Man With No Name never shot.

And even if he did shoot, would a blaster melt a bullet in the air? This journalist says: Maybe.

Winner: Han

Loser: Biff Tannen

 

Winner: The Man With No Name

So RobbieRobTown’s childhood loses out to the much more distant and crusty childhoods of TBinns and Admin_Rock.  The Man with no Name steals a win, and you hurl abuse at us!

So last night I went and saw X-men First Class, which, may I just take a moment to say, was Awesomesauce.

AWESOMESAUCE – adj. 1.) The state of being so awesome you make your own gravy. 2) The preferred topping on an awesomesundae.

A big reason First Class works is Michael Fassbender, who despite having an accent that wandered more than the Littlest Hobo, was fantastic, believable and yes even sympathetic as Magneto. It was a fall from grace super villain origin that worked on just about every level, and it made me think of a very similar fall from grace in a prequel that really didn’t. I refer of course to “Bring It On 4: The Bringitonenning”. But it also reminded me of Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side in the Star Wars prequels. Here we have two classic mega villains who are universally loved and embraced by the geek community, who hit a LOT of the same touchstones on their way to villainhood, but one worked and one makes us cringe and whine and bitch on the internet. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you…

BE WARNED: I’ll be talking about plot details in First Class quite a lot, so if you haven’t seen First Class yet, a) Go already, what the hell is wrong with you? and b) there will be spoilers here.

1) Mommy Dearest.

In both cases, the young budding villains lose their respective mothers, which causes them to lose their shit. Anakin cuts down an entire colony of Sandpeople, Erik crushes Nazi helmets with Nazi skulls still in them, and mentally rearranges a torture room to more accurately reflect his state of mind.

The difference is in context. Anakin has a vague feeling that something is wrong. He goes back to Tatooine, finds his already dying mother and takes out a bunch of sandpeople we never knew or cared about. Why do sandpeople capture and torture humans? How can that possibly help them survive in the harsh desert of Tatooine? There is no motive, they pop in to serve the story, and leave it just as quickly. We don’t care that he killed them all anymore than we care about the stormtroopers that die. It has no emotional weight. We shrug it off the same way Padme does.

Erik was THERE. He saw it happen. It was cold, calculated and cruel, and his rage is justifiable. Already there are stakes, and it serves not only to get a greater understanding of where Magneto is coming from…but what makes Shaw tick as well. Even though he is just a young boy, we can already see hints of what he will eventually become. Anakin?

Not so much.

And when Erik crushes a room with his mind, we feel the anguish, and the devastation. He just lost his whole world in an instant because he couldn’t move a coin. Do we get that when Vader decides to crush a room with his mind? Let’s ask the man himself.

Hey Darth, does this scene have any emotional depth at all?

Is it any way believable?

Is there any way a Star Wars fan won’t be horribly embarrassed by this scene?

Is George Lucas going to give me my money back?

I didn’t think so.

2. The Mentor Tormentor

In both instances, our heroes have good in them (That others can sense, conveniently enough, Thanks Charles and Luke) but are ultimately corrupted by an Evil Mentor. As Erik so aptly put it “I’m Frankenstein’s Monster… and I’m looking for my creator.” First Class starts this corruption from Erik’s childhood, with Shaw teaching him the hard way that rage and pain and anger will make him powerful. The Emperor essentially teaches Vader the same thing but in a more offhand way. He mentions the death of his mother, but he didn’t actually kill her. He implies that he MIGHT be able to save Padme (From what? a bad dream that Anakin is having?) Apparently that is enough. Up to this point, Anakin is essentially good. He’s petulant…a little arrogant…but nothing to suggest he’s ready to full on embrace evil. Then, he makes a snap decision. Mace Windu dies, and Anakin, this good person, is suddenly ready to murder a bunch of children, no questions asked.

Erik is corrupted by hate from the very beginning. It’s what sustains him. Even when working with Charles it consumes him. He knows deep inside that the man who he hates so much has made him into what he is today, and by the end, he accepts that, and becomes Magneto. He isn’t even at odds with Shaw philosophically…and he takes up his mantle (and his helmet)…but he is the master now, and it won’t do to have the man who killed his mother alive. The tragedy here is the friendship that he sacrifices (His ONLY close friend, really) for his cause… to ensure freedom and prosperity for his kind. The very best villains are the ones with understandable motivations, ones who THINK they are doing the right thing… and in Magneto’s place I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same.

3)Casting.

this is a cardboard cut out. Or is it?

Let’s be fair and say that George Lucas dialog is a tough thing to do believably…it takes a special kind of talent to get a mouthful of cheese out without looking like a complete ass. But that said…you could have kept looking, George. You settled…and in settling helped permanently damage one of the great iconic movie villains of our time. Hayden Christianson’s eyes look dead bored, he mumbles and whines, and he does little to make us feel anything.

Fassbender on the other hand, maintains his Connery cool while still letting us see why he is the way he is. The scene where Charles taps into his memories to find a happy one, to give him the serenity he needs to control his power is simple and beautiful. The camera stays on Fassbenders face, a memory of lighting candles with his mother imposed over it and a single tear rolls down. Then Charles, having shared the memory, wipes one away himself. It’s beautifully acted, simple and moving.

Anakin has a temper tantrum about how Obi Wan is holding him back.

Ugh.

4) Fulfilling Destiny

Although ideally we should feel for the fallen hero…some part of us is excited that he has become the villain we all love to hate. One of the first acts our new villain does is bust a telepath out of jail to replace the one he had. It’s smart, dramatic and there is no question that Erik is gone and Magneto is here to stay. And he rocks the helmet.

To paraphrase Patton Oswalt…“Yeah at the end, Darth Vader’s just kinda looking at the Death Star and he’s all sad.” Is that any way to give birth to the greatest screen villain of our time?

So there you have it. They both lost their moms, crush rooms with their minds, turn their back on their friends and wear goofy helmets… but that is definitely where the similarities end.

So do yourself a favour go see X-men First Class, which is, I think the best X-men movie yet. Or at the very least…read this again.

Stay tuned next week for the Beast versus Ewok Smackdown.

A strange thing happened recently: The announcement for the Blu-Ray version of the Star Wars films left me completely bored. It’s a curious reaction, consider that since I saw the original movie in the theatre at the ripe old age of 6, I’ve been a huge fan. I remember going with my mom to Sears to buy action figures, some of which I still have (sans lightsabers and capes).

I showed up in the theatre for the re-release of the Special Editions, and was insanely happy about news and previews of Phantom Menace. I saw all three of the “new” movies in the theatre as well. I can argue with the best of them over plot points and logic, and even tried to read some of the expanded universe books. (Sorry, couldn’t do it. I have standards when it comes to novels). Hell, our website even has a special category for Star Wars.

I’ve even played through the entirety of the Lego Star Wars game with my son, and showed him the movies. He’s okay with them, but shows no signs of becoming obsessed, though he does love Lego minifigs with lightsabers.

But, it occurs to now that when one of the films comes on TV, i’ll watch a bit, and then move on. No compulsion to watch the whole thing. I haven’t popped one of the films in the DVD player in a long time. I actually decided to watch Fellowship rather than Star Wars a few weeks back.

So, I’m thinking I might be done with Star Wars for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love the characters, and will continue to mine them for comedy here and beyond, but I don’t think I need to watch the movies anymore, nor defend their greatness.Not interested in ranking the movies in order of importance, don’t really care if you think Lucas is a genius or a hack. Will I argue minutia with you? Maybe. I really like arguing, and being right even more. I’m also not getting rid of my ceramic Darth Vader with the glowing eyes and lightsaber.

In light of this, I’m trying to determine what about the movies I should like. From a critical perspective, all of the movies have giant gaping script problems, including the original trilogy. Defending the acting is a lost cause, and the special effects are very dated, and even an update to those won’t really change much. Are they a fun adventure with popcorn? Certainly, but I didn’t get obsessed with a lot of films like that.

I think when I boil it down, I like the concepts of the characters far more than the execution of them, and the possibilities of the universe, as opposed to the presentation within the films. What I’m interested in is the evolution of the obsession, and the end thereof. The goal here isn’t to claim that this somehow makes me superior, i’m just being honest about my geekitude.

So, while I’m unlikely to be watching the movies again soon, and won’t be buying them yet again on blu-ray, I’ll still been keenly interested in the legions of fanboys, and whether, like me, they begin to wane in their interest in Star Wars.

Thoughts? Complaints? Sympathy?

Vader & Me: An Intimate interview.

I arrived a Lord Vader’s Beverly Hills mansion.  LIke most of the homes in the area, Vaderland was a product of years of renovations, and the most recent changes were still in progress.“I’m sorry about the state of the place,” he said as he strode out to meet me from the grand entryway. “I’m using the same contractors as we used on the Death Star, and they tend to run behind schedule.”

He was out of full uniform, and today instead of a jet-black cape he was sporting a cotton Roots track jacket. He saw me looking him up and down, and he laughed lightly. “I picked this up in Banff on a ski trip. You’d be surprised what great discounts you can get on clothes of you choke the sales people with your mind.” I laughed, hoping that was a joke.

He lead me past an army of grey suited construction workers, all in Imperial military garb. He turned his head slightly to me as we made our way further inside. “They unionized since I last used them. I’d choke the whole bunch, but, Christ, the paperwork on the worker’s comp…”

The Dark Lord of the Sith lead me into the kitchen. It was an antiqued French- Provincial affair, marble counters and carefully faded painted wooden cabinets. “I’ve always wanted a kitchen like this. After the austerity of the Super Star Destroyer, I wanted a place that could be the heart of my home. I had them finish it first.”

Vader carefully opened up a window in the rather spacious breakfast “nook” and called up a playlist on the stereo. Dave Brubeck, Glen Miller, Fats Waller, a disparate jumble of jazz. With a guilty air, he drew a single Lucky Strike from a crumpled cardboard pack, lit it, and blew the smoke out the window. “It’s a bad habit I picked up on the Death Star II. I was going through a lot with my son, and my boss was being such a dick… I should quit, I mean, with a voice like this already…”

We chatted benignly about some of his house plans. None were what you would expect from a Jedi turned wrong, but his passion for his architectural preferences was disarming. ‘It’s all about function,” he continued “I mean, all those years in a galaxy far, far away, and all I wanted was to sit in a goddamn functional chair- look!” he indicated emphatically to the wooden chair he was on “It has arms! ARMS!” He finished his cigarette hastily, as though some one would reprimand him for smoking inside of his own house. “I had one great chair- you know the one, the throne inside the two metal cones?” he asked. I told him I remembered it. “That was a hell of a chair,” he continued, “A hell of a chair. Had a TV in it, and I could air out my scarred scalp. You know, helmet rash…”

He rose from the table. “I’m making breakfast for lunch, are you joining me?”. How could I say no? Before long there were some whole-wheat pancakes, sliced fruit, and a generous stack of bacon. “Take as much as you want,” he said, “I’m on a diet.” He patted his leather clad belly for emphasis.

“I suppose we should get down to it?”

It was of course why I was here, and I told him as much.

“No holds barred, as you say on your planet. Ask me anything.”

“What should I call you?” I asked.

“Well, my ‘Lord” title is strictly honourary these days, what with the Rebellion and all. I guess ‘Vader’ is kind of like a last name, but only ObiWan called me ‘Darth”, and I killed him shortly thereafter. You know what? You can call me Anakin.”

“But not ‘Ani’.” I said, hoping the taunt wouldn’t get me swiftly cauterized in twain.

“No, clearly not. Only two people got to call me Ani: My ex-wife, and a retarded jamaican fish man- the latter I tolerated because he was ‘special needs’”.

“Let’s start with your time with the Emperor.” I said. “I think you are most judged by people for that time.”

His breathing apparatus exhaled deeply for him. “ I was a young man when I turned to the dark side. People experiment, I was in love with this crazy hot chick. I mean, God, you should have seen her. The nerds on your planet would lose their minds over a girl like this. But, we broke up. I regret it all, I honestly do. That’s youth though, isn’t it? I mean, hasn’t everyone made mistakes? She was pregnant, I sent her away, I eradicated the Jedi who would have protected her, and then The Emperor told me I’d killed her.” he looked off into the distance wistfully- or as wistfully as a man with a black face mask can look, which it turns out, is pretty wistful.

“I was stuck with Palpatine then. I’d made my bed, I’d murdered all my friends, and I thought my family was dead as well. What I needed was an intervention… But who intervenes when you are so powerful? They’d be like ‘Oh, Lord Vader, we should talk,’ and I’d be all like “CHOKE!”, and then wait a few years until the next guy would try.”

“I know this is no excuse, but I was convinced Obi Wan was two-timing me with Padme.  That’s not a good feeling, just sort of eats you alive. I had to kill Obi Wan a few years later, and the prick just evaporated on me, like, wouldn’t even talk about it.” he paused for a moment to sip his espresso. “I’m being unfair. Nothing happened between those two, but I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head.”

“The younglings?”

“Huge misunderstanding. Huge. First off, were they young? Yes. Were they promising? I suppose from a certain perspective. Do I regret it? Yes, but have you ever smelled a young Jedi? Midichlorians are a microorganism, just like mildew. Or terrible foot fungus. It surrounds us and binds us. Those “adorable kids” smelled like a 2 day old Mon-Calamari hooker corpse in a sauna. It’s not an excuse- I just… Look, would I change a few things? Sure. That wasn’t premeditated. I was in an abusive relationship. The Emperor was controlling my feelings, and when I started to doubt him, he’d shock my balls with blue lightening. Have you ever have your balls electrocuted with pure hate?”

“Can’t say that I have…”

“Well it sucks something fierce, Slugger. It sucks something fierce.”

I couldn’t believe I had Darth Vader in such a cooperative mood. “Tell me about Alderaan,” I asked.

He took another slow intake of breath- or it seemed slower. “That was another big misunderstanding. I get blamed for that, but if people would look at the records, I think they will find that one is on Grand Moff Tarkin. You think the Emperor was bad? Try having that presumptuous prick as your boss. Holding my leash indeed.” he smiled disarmingly- I could tell because the “smile” light lit up on his chest plate.

I laughed quite hard. “You regret it then?”

Vader nodded “I had Alderaanean friends, and I had a hunch my daughter was being raised there- no proof, just a force thing…” he wiped some toast crumbs out of his mouth grille- I realized I hadn’t been watching him eat- how did he do it? No answer was forthcoming. Maybe food just forced it’s way in there somehow. Jedi snack technique.

“AT-ATs and AT-STs”. I said.

“Unbelievable. The wheel is one of the oldest inventions, but we build a military around tanks with legs, so every fuzzy asshole with an axe can defeat our infantry. So enraging.”

“Your kids,” I pressed.

“Okay. Again, abusive relationship- not an excuse, just context. So, I was told they were dead and I thought Palpatine was telling me the truth.  By the time it occurred to me he might be lying, they were older, and we were busy building the first Death Star. I didn’t think they would want to meet me. I posted an ad on Craigslist, hinting something about last Jedi seeks reconnection with family. Fucking Craigslist,” he shook his head.

“When Leia showed up on the Death Star, I knew she was my daughter- Same attitude as her mother, same implausible accent. I couldn’t say anything. I just said “she may be of use to us yet” to buy her some time, and then I had a menacing floating medical ball shoot her full of vitamin b. Luke thought I didn’t know about her. I did the big reveal of that detail in front of The Emperor. I knew all along. I can sense the force, and I’m only THE MOST POWERFUL JEDI OF ALL TIME. God.”

“Ewoks?”, I asked.

“Did I not say fuzzy assholes?” he said, sipping his coffee, somehow, again.

“Darth Maul?”

“Fight I would have liked to have. Instead I get Count Dooku. Sounds like a potty training euphemism- Did you get a visit from Count Dooku? Did you send him to Coruscant? Good boy!”

“Boba Fett?”

“Had more class than his father. Ruthless, just about money. I can get behind that.”

“Where are you in five years?”

He inhaled deeply and waited a moment, considering either the response, or some past pain. “I guess I always wanted to work with children, but I have a war crimes record. I’m supporting a few charities actively, and I’ve started “Darth’s Kids”. It’s like a program that takes inner city youth who have lost their parents, and turns them into unstoppable destructive psychic killing machines.  We’ve had some great successes- Miley Cyrus…”

“I totally get Hannah Montana now!” I exclaimed.

“Right? I know. I KNOW. So proud of that one.”.

“Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” I began gathering up my tape recorder.

“Yes. When it comes tie to tell the story of my life, I hope they don’t cut out the part at the end of Jedi where I return to the force with Obi wan and Yoda, and I’m the same  sad-eyed old man who was in the mask dying in Luke’s arms earlier. I swear on the grave of my mother, if they rotoscope in Hayden Christensen, I will return from the force and destroy your planet with my bare robotic hands.”.

Check out this article by Javier Grillo-Marxuach over at i09.com. It’s well written, insightful, and sums up many of my thoughts about Star Wars, and Nerd Culture in general. The growing interest in geek.nerd culture, indeed, it’s mainstreaming through things like “The Big Bang Theory” and the success of superhero films means that things once hidden and inside are now everywhere.

My Year Without Star Wars

Also, Tbinns pointed this article by Patton Oswalt out to me recently, and it also concerns itself with the mainstreaming of geek.nerd stuff, over at Wired. It starts out strong, then maybe goes a little long, then goes way too long, but it does make a good point.

Wake up, Geek Culture. Time to die.

(Jan 1) Robert Jackson Bennett weighs in as well, over at orbitbooks.net

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

Thanks to my near toxic levels of geekiness I’ve won a fair amount of Star Wars shit over the years. When Return of the Jedi was coming out, I won passes to see the sneak preview one day before it opened. It was at the Palace Theatre, an old Vaudeville house with popcorn grease permanently embedded in the walls, a beautiful balcony, a huge screen and big old echoing Dolby speakers. It has since turned into a Calgary Flames themed nightclub where the very douchebags I was trying to escape from flock to in droves. The equivalent , I suppose, of invaders looting your place of worship and ransacking it before turning it into their place of worship (See, the Crusades, The Moors in Spain, The Ottoman Turks etc.)

But I digress.

When the Original Trilogy was re-released there was a Star Wars themed store called Star Wares that had an nigh impossible trivia contest. My buddy Tom and I won, and split the prize, a complete set of Star Wars “Power of the Force” Action figures. I have since bought him out and have the whole set. I have kept them in their packages, but the price guides tell me they are worth pretty much nothing. That’s okay If I end up having a son in December, he’s going to have one hell of a 7th Birthday gift.

Which leads me to the story of how I won passes to Episode Three before it opened. The herald had a contest for passes, you had to demonstrate how big a Star Wars fan you were . I sent them the following, which had been my voicemail for some months proceeding the contest. (Working in a sound studio has some advantages) I recently had this dug up out of the archives here at work, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

Enjoy.

P.S. More Trivia in the line up, won more prizes, including Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, which no one will play with me because they are cowards.

It is May 25th, the 33rd anniversary of the release of Star Wars, and in celebration of this momentous occasion…we are posting links to stuff we’ve already written.

Here is the link to 25 things Right with the Star Wars Universe…

and here is the link to 25 things WRONG with the Star Wars Universe

and here are our humble suggestions on what might have made a better Episode One

Bullseye this Womprat with your T-16

In further celebration of today…if your boss asks you to do something today…tell him\her in your whiniest voice that you were going to Toshee station to pick up some power converters.

Here at the Correctness, we appreciate our moms a lot. Mostly because until a few years ago, we lived in their basements, but there are many reasons to thank our moms!

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My mom encouraged my nerdiness in oh so many ways, some of which I’m certain she didn’t (and still doesn’t) understand. The first thing I recall (apart from taking me to Star Wars, which might have been Dad’s idea) was to take me out shopping on a sick day from school. She bought be a bunch of Star Wars figures, at the princely sum of $2.00 each. I still have some of these, and have passed possession of them on to my own son, as they are 50 times cooler than the crappy assed new ones that they make.

She was also awesome about taking me to get games for my atari, and even picked up the later games that involved hooking up a tape recorder (which I can’t recall the names of, nor find in my quick google search).

She encouraged my love of computers, buying me a Sinclair zx80 (with the extended memory module), and patiently put up with my complaining whenever a small bump caused it to disconnect. I also remember, years later, her taking me to the store to buy an Atari 800, which was pretty freaking cool.

RobbieRobTown

My Mom was a Librarian. Consequently, after being encouraged to read a lot, I was then permitted to read anything. I had no taste, and desperately trying to recapture the magic of the Lord of the Rings from the first time I read it, I spent my entire adolescence reading the worst kind of crap fiction that existed.  At the time I thought my mom didn’t understand what I saw, but I realize now she actually understood completely, and was allowing me to make my own horrible, horrible mistakes. That was sweet of her.

She used buy MAD magazine for me, when summer road trip season came around, which I thought was hilarious. It was not, I’ll have you know. I used to wonder why my parents didn’t appreciate the advanced comedic concepts contained within. Again, I was wrong, and Mom and Dad were right, just unflinchingly tolerant.

There was a lot of Lego, and immense messes of Lego because of the Lego. My Mom took me to see Return of the Jedi in a real theatre! My mom also got on the 4 month-long reservation list to see worn out copies of Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars on Beta. BETA!

More than anything, my mom was constantly kicking me outside. I think she had a hunch that I had special powers, and that outside is where I could go play with my elf friends, and where I was a Jedi.I don’t know how she knew, maybe she was a Jedi too?

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My mom was from an older generation. She was a landed immigrant who grew up in wartime England, so sci fi was not even on the radar. My dad encouraged me to read Tolkien, but then again my dad encouraged reading period regardless of genre. So I think it’s fair to say that my mother encouraged nerdiness through tolerance. There was always a generous amount of Kenner Star Wars toys under the tree.

In fact, one year she was determined to get me a radio controlled R2D2. Trouble is, as I said, this was sooo NOT a part of her world. She couldn’t get “R2D2” out to save her life. It seems weird to us now that someone wouldn’t know who Artoo is but to her it was like cracking a code, and she told me she stood there in the store going through every number letter combination she could think of. Even the store clerk was having trouble remembering.

I got a radio controlled Sandcrawler that year. It was easier to remember.

There was always 5 dollars in her purse for a matinee. And her tolerance level for neighborhood kids piling over to her house and cluttering up her table with strange looking maps, lead figures and books seemed infinite. And she had hobbit like ideas about entertaining, so there was always food on offer, despite the fact that we weren’t exactly the richest family around.

I lost my dad when I was 14 (Hello Lung Cancer, my name is Tony Binns, you killa my father, prepare to die) and my mom on my 26th birthday (Heart attack). I don’t know how she contributed to my nerdiness per se, but she contributed to me being somebody who approached life with a sense of humor, and that, surely is geeky enough.

So for all the Gemini (Atari rip off) games, her patience, her nerd hosting, her buying volumes of d and d books and Star Wars stuff that she barely understood, I would like to say thanks and Happy Mother’s Day…wherever you are. I still remember exactly how you like your coffee, when we meet again.

So, for all the things they did for us, we want to thank our moms.

In our quest to continually add new things to the site, we’ve begun polling the masses (snicker.) Last week’s poll was no great surprise to anyone, and came out about how you’d figure. Behold, The Best Star Wars Movie!

Join us for this week’s poll, over there on the right. Don’t worry, we don’t use this to track you or get your email address or hit on your sister, it’s just for fun!