With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, is subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

Admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.

(ED: The Correctness obtained copies of these interviews, found in a box addressed to “The Correctness: A Long Time from Now, In a Galaxy Far,Far, Away”.)

Kitster Banai: “Yeah, I knew him. Only we called him Ani. I didn’t like hanging out with him that much, because he smelled like wet carpet and vomit a lot of the time. He was a slave kid, always looking for food and handouts. He used to come over to my place, and my mom wouldn’t let him inside. She was worried he had lice and stuff.

He was ok. He was a pretty smart kid, knew a lot about fixing stuff. He was always building thing, like this robot he had. I never understood how he was so dirt poor, but he had like thousands of credits worth of talking robot around.

He left here when he was like 8 or so, after he won the big podrace. He went to become a Jedi or monk or something. ( Interviewer explains what became of Anakin). What? He became Darth Vader? Daaaaamn! Maybe I should have opened some of those letters he sent. Seriously, I should call him up, I could use a nice cushy government job. Wow, shoulda seen that coming. They said he wiped out a bunch of Sandpeople, but those guys are useless anyway. I have one of them doing my yardwork. Lazy as hell.”

Wald/Greedo
“You wanna know about Skywalker, huh? Let me tell you about Skywalker! He was a little jerk! He was always harping on me about my weight, about how much I ate. Well, Mr. Slave kid who hasn’t seen the inside of a sonic shower in his life, I’m Rodian. We eat. That’s how it works. But he’s all “you’re getting fat”, and “you eat everything in sight”. Starts calling me “Greedo”. And of course, it sticks. I should have taken him out when I was 7. Of course, he did set me up with some cushy bounty hunting contracts, so I guess he’s okay by me. Anyways, I gotta go, I just saw a certain pilot I have to go talk to. ”

Ki-ita Shrym
“Yeah, I knew him. He always came into my shop, looking at stuff he couldn’t afford. Always babbling about how he was going to be a pilot, and save his mom, crap like that. So, just before he left, he comes wandering in, with this big grin on his face, and he’s all “I’m getting off this planet”, and “too bad for the rest of you, better stock up on sunscreen”. Then he said something about building a giant laser and blowing the crap out of Tatooine. There were some Stormtroopers in town looking for some robots. I think his kid might have them. What, you didn’t know he had a son? Sure, he lives up with Owen Lars. It’s pretty obvious really. There’s only like 6 Skywalkers on the whole planet, and the rest of them are black. Ben Kenobi moved not too far from his place. You know, as in Obi Wan Kenobi? Jedi might be masters of the Force, but they suck at fake identities. Anyways, I’m getting out of here, had enough of this place. Think I might have a job lined up with my cousin on Bespin. Quiet there, no government hassles.”

The Correctness is proud to present the Comedy Stylings of TK421. Yes, we know, only one guy seems to be laughing, but some people just don’t get the subtlety of a good Bantha joke.

(Pssst. that is, in fact 1/3 of the Correctness under the helmet)

We get dozens of emails saying that The Correctness does nothing but make fun of, and mock things. Those emails are just stupid. Clearly, The Correctness is a bastion of all things good AND bad. To that end, we present the mirror opposite of our list of 25 things wrong with The Star Wars Universe. We know that the normal behavior of Star Wars fans is to shit all over the thing they claim to love the most, but if we didn’t love it in the first place, we couldn’t hate it so much.Again, these are not in any particular order.

On with it!

1. The Lightsaber

No weapon in the history of film has had as much impact as the Lightsaber. For decades now, children have been pretending to have one, making the unforgettable whhhah whhhah sound, and mistaking the pronunciation with a popular hard candy.

And why not. It’s a kick ass weapon, deadly, elegant, and glowy. It has distinct sound effects for both the activation and swinging of, and it comes in a variety of colours. And who didn’t make an excited squeal noise when they first saw the double sided bad boy Darth Maul had?

2. Boba Fett

Boba Fett is a fantastic villain, mysterious, mostly silent, hidden behind a really cool helmet. He also flies, has a BFG, and a rocket launcher on his back. Arguably, he was taken out too soon, and didn’t get a lot of screen time. This actually added to the mystery, and guaranteed his place in the list. He died like a bitch but damn if he didn’t live like a man. We think. Again the whole mystery thing. Jetpack. Cable ropes. Awesome.

3. R2D2

There is no better droid one could ask for. R2 is a faithful, stalwart companion who is completely driven with carrying out his mission, whatever that may be. The Correctness has a theory that R2’s intelligence and capacity is highly underestimated, and that he was, in fact, one of the Rebellion’s 3 Super Spies, constantly pulling strings from behind the scenes, and even hiding in plain sight much of the time.

4. John Williams

We remain firmly convinced that 30 to 40% of Darth Vader’s coolness stems directly from the “Imperial March”. Part of what got us so excited during the Episode 1 trailer (besides the double sided light saber sqeeeealll!!!) was hearing the strains of “The Force theme” in the background. Cue after cue brings us right back to the excitement of the moment. The Tie Fighter attack, the opening theme, even the Cantina theme it all comes back to us when we hear the perfect music from the Maestro. and in a similar vain…

5. Ben Burtt

Light sabers switched on, blasters firing, tie fighters roaring by, Jawas chattering, Huttese Rumblings,droid noises, Ion Cannons blasting, Racing Pods thundering by, these are highly unique, identifiable and fully awesome sounds. Ben Burtt is the driving force behind creating a complete a believable soundscape that a) puts you right in the moment, b) thrills you every time you hear it, and c) makes you want it for a ring tone.

6. Darth Vader (Particularly, Empire Strikes Back Darth Vader)

One of the great villains of all time at the height of his powers. The breathing, the voice, the armour…here was an actual PRESENCE. The best villains are the ones who don’t actually have to rant and rave and scream. The best villains are totally in control, like Don Corleone. Vader can kill you by thinking about it. He can stop laser blasts with his hands. He can kill you by thinking about it when you are on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHIP, so when he very calmly says to you

“Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?”

Rethink whatever shit you were about to pull on him immediately.

BAD ASS!!!!

7. Han Solo

We don’t know anyone who idolized Luke growing up. It was Han all the way. He had the attitude, the cool ship (more on that later) the Wicked Side-kick (More on THAT later) The Cute Girl (Definitely more on THAT later) and on top of it he had all the best lines. And back then they were funny! They are only unfunny now because we’ve been quoting them at each other for 25 years.

“I Love You”

“I know”

Classic!

8. Star Destroyers

Blast of Music. Logo. Opening crawl. Planet. Blockade runner. AND THEN SHEER FUCKING BUGSHIT CRAZY AWESOMENESS THAT SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER!!!

9. The Millennium Falcon

We have no idea what the Kessel run is, nor do we know why it is measured in unit’s of distance instead of time, but whatever it is, the Falcon clearly owned it. It, more than any other ship in the Star Wars universe, was a character more than a piece of hardware. Temperamental, vulnerable, heroic, and brave. The Correctness loves and misses the Falcon.

10. The. Metal. Bikini.

Thank you George. Thank you.

11. POV shots from spaceship cockpits

Back before high end videogames, this was the only way nerds could experience the Star Wars universe first hand. It almost took it out of movie realm and into amusement park ride.The Battle of Hoth was made 10 times cooler with pov shots, as was the Death Star trench run in A New Hope. Didn’t you used to dream of an immersive 360 photo realistic Star wars flight simulator showing up at your local arcade? no? Just us? Fine, moving on…

12. Darth Maul

Ahhh Darth Maul…who used the power of the dark side of the Force to prevent Episode One from being a total loss. Here is a direct quote heard at the first night screening of Episode One, regarding the lightsaber fight… “There’s two of them…and he’s KICKING their ASS!!” Imagine how much better the subsequent films could have been if he had been able to stick around.

13. Chewbacca

“At last, we have the mighty Chewbacca.”

It would be like hanging around with a big, loyal dog who could fly spaceships, and rip the arms off of your enemies. Who wouldn’t want that? Chewie never said a word of intelligible dialogue in 4 films and we love him anyway. Perhaps in the case of Mr. Lucas’s dialogue skills it was largely for the best. We got a tiny taste of what the Battle of Endor SHOULD HAVE BEEN in Revenge of the Sith in an all too brief battle scene on Kashyyk, but shouldas and couldas aside, wookies, and Chewie in particular are teh awesome. The Correctness has determined that Chewie was likely the second Super Spy, as he patiently pulled strings and gently nudged things in the right direction for decades.

14. Stormtrooper uniforms

Well, the armour doesn’t seem to work against rocks and sticks, much less blasters, and they clearly can’t hit shit, and if your visibilty is limited on a space station notorious for not having safety rails you might have some workman’s comp in your future, but damn if they didn’t look cool!

15 The Emperor

When faced with a script full of terrible dialogue, Shakespearean actor Ian McDiarmid made a decision. He was going to tuck a napkin into his shirt collar and mow down on the scenery for the duration of the film. His plan worked gloriously. With each passing moment we made ourselves more his servant. You practically wanted to hiss at him every time he was on screen. We’re shocked they didn’t give him a mustache to twirl.

16. George Lucas

Two Words: Lifetime Pass. Eat it Nerds, he owes you nothing. He was nowhere near your childhood on the night in question. The Prequels had way more bad than good, and it hurt us all, but we wouldn’t be so over the top about it if we didn’t insanely love what he gave us in the first place. As much as we make fun of his dialogue and curse him out, (and we do) there isn’t one of us, or dare we say one of you that wouldn’t geek out if he invited you to take a tour of the ranch. And you’d be all nervous and refer to him as “Mr. Lucas” while avoiding eye contact. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

17. The Speeder Bike Chase

If the Correctness could sum this up in 3 words it would be AAAAAAGH! LOOKOUT!!! TREES!!!! a super high speed chase (once again enhanced by POV shots) in an area where the use of such vehicles would be dangerous and stupid. So essentially they are just like ATV’s , only you have to imagine drunk assholes instead of Biker Scouts on them. A great sequence and a super cool vehicle.
18. Yoda

Told you, we did. Kick ass is he.

19. AT-ATs

Practical? No. Cool? Fuck yeah. That seems to be the Empire’s motto, now that we are thinking about it. Imperial Walkers looked nigh unbeatable. The original shock and awe tactic. They are the primary reason we play the Hoth level over and over again on Star Wars Battlefront. And unlike the Death Star, AT-ATs actually completed their mission of destroying the Rebel Base. Now if only something could be done about those pesky trippable legs.

20. Leia

This is not your typical damsel in distress. She gives as good as she gets and generally takes zero crap from anyone. Don’t believe us? Ask Jabba, who died a somewhat Carradine-esque ignominious death. She can swap a) quips with Solo, b) blaster fire with Stormtroopers, and c) spit with her brother and still have time to lead the Rebellion, and look pretty damned hot doing it.

21. Peripheral Aliens

The Correctness would like to give a big shout out to: Jawas, Sandpeople, Snaggletooth, Walrus Man, The Cantina Band, Bib Fortuna, Weequay, Rodians, Transdoshians, Hammerhead, Gammoreans, Nikto, Yak Face, Ree Yees, Sy Snoodles, Max Rebo, Lobot (WTF?) Ugnaughts and anyone else we may have forgotten for “Filling in the corners” of every frame and adding even more color to an already pretty colorful universe.

22. The Toys

The Correctness has very fond memories of opening up that Christmas or birthday present, revealing the Kenner Star Wars Logo after the first rip, and then tearing away at the rest of it like a deranged badger until we found out what we were about to add to our collection. We have less fond memories of giving all that stuff away to various young relatives only to have become insanely valuable later on. Doh.

Correctness survey question: Did you own the big expensive multi level Death Star Playset,

or the somewhat less expensive rounded cardboard dealie?

23. “No…I am your Father!!!”

Before it became a punchline this was the biggest mindfuck there ever was. This was long before the internet and spoilers, so it was the subject of SERIOUS playground debate for three years. Was he lying? The “That’s not true, that’s impossible!” faction said yes, but the “Search your Feelings” faction knew otherwise. An audible exhalation of bated breath was heard in the theatres world wide in 1983 after the words “Your father he is”.

24. Nien Nunb

That’s right, The Correctness is down with The Nunb, bitches. You might say that we are “Comfortably Nunb”. If fact, we think he is the THIRD Rebel super spy, and he is one of the few beings in the Galaxy who can pull off the whole 1920’s aviator cap thing.He could also kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a fight. Pure speculation on our part, perhaps, but we stand by it.

25. Luke Skywalker

Okay, he’s kinda whiney, but the dude is an ICON. He blew up the Death Star, rescued Princess Leia, redeemed his father, and you have to admit, he was pretty bad ass while rescuing Han from Jabba’s palace. Plus Mark Hamill went on to do a kick ass Joker. So the Correctness salutes you, Luke for being our wide eyed guide through the Universe we love so much. Tell you what, take the rest of the afternoon off, head on down to Toshi station and pick up a set of power converters on us. You deserve it, buddy.

So there it is…our Gushing Love Letter to Star Wars. We loved it then, we love it now. We make sure our kids love it, and annoy our wives and girlfriends with it. Did we miss something? Forget your favorite? Neglect to hold you like we did by the lake on Naboo? Let your outrage spill forth in the comment section.

Here at The Correctness, we deal in things nerdish. Also geekish and Pointdexterish, but mainly nerdish. And if there’s one things nerds can do better than most, it’s arguing about minutia. (Also math, computers, biology, chemistry, botany, etc).

Some of you out there are thinking, “so friggin what”. And you’re right. But just for a moment, consider the endless entertainment appeal of watching the little guys get really, really worked up about nothing, with the calming knowledge that if they get out of hand, you can easily subdue all of them, regardless of the numbers involved.

Without further delay, The Correctness presents a handy list of phrases that, when uttered in the presence of nerds, will guarantee a argument. We’ve also provided a guide for the non-nerd to have a frame of reference as to why these things can be dangerous.

BSG had a terrible ending. It made no sense at all.

The recent re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica ended in a fashion that divided the nerd camp into two groups: Those that immediately proclaimed it the best thing ever made for television, and those that rolled their eyes and moved on immediately. There is bound to be at least one of each in any group of 3 or more nerds.

One side will be making a case for the constant religious overtones, and the phrase “All of this has happened before, and will happen again”. They will cite the seeding of the “Final Five”, and the “head” characters as proof that the ending is completely keeping with the run of the show.

The other side will make some strong points about ludicrous decisions and bacteria, possibly something about doing it with cavemen. Neither side will win, nor give up. All of this has happened before, and will happen again.

If you look at them as a love story, The Prequels are really good.

Firstly, “The Prequels” refer to Episodes 1,2,3 of the Star Wars films (but the nerds will know this already. We’ll discuss the fact that the 4th through 6th episodes came first another day.)
The sheer disappointment of the collective fanbase from the prequels is still being felt in the nerdiverse to this day. The mere notion that they might have overlooked something, or more properly, that there might be something of value in these films will be enough to send them immediately at each other’s throats.

You can throw in some comments about love, and how it makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. You can argue that Anakin follows his heart, and does everything in his power to prevent the death of the woman who loves him. Finally, to ensure some rage, say “there’s no stronger commitment of their love then when Padme says ‘Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo’”.

For a company with a 5% market share, Apple sure spends a lot of money.

This item should be reserved for nerd groups that contain a hipster or two. For starters, Apple’s makert share of computer sales is closer to 8-10%, so you’ll get a reaction from Apple fanboys, both those who know what the true number is, and those who can’t possibly believe it’s that tiny. It will also kick off a lengthy discussion of the superiority of Apple computers, which will be refuted by the cost vs performance issue, which will lead into a virus/operating system dependability discussion. Seriously, you can get at least 2 beers worth of entertainment from this one.

Babylon 5 was miles better than Deep Space 9.

Babylon 5 was a syndicated sci-fi show that ran for 5 years, and isn’t well known outside of geek circles. It’s primary characteristics were that the entire run of the show was plotted out in advance, that it featured realistic physics for its space battles, and that it was pitched to Paramount executives, who passed on the show.

Deep Space 9 was the 3rd “Star Trek” series, and is considered by many Trekkies to be the best of the bunch (and certainly the darkest). It ran for 7 seasons, and is known for the fact that it took place in a single location which other came to (rather than a ship exploring like the other Star Trek shows). This was modified later in the series, but is still essentially accurate.

This match-up is a familiar one for nerds, and sets them off like cake at a fat camp. You have the “was DS9 based on B5″ argument, which might take all night on its own, and you have the various parties arguing for the superiority of their own favorite. Feel free to throw in comments such as “Why did they need to add Worf?” and “It’s weird that they changed the commander like that” to keep both parties going.

Manga/Anime is pretty much a genre for the retarded.

Unlike most of the items in this list, which are simply opinion based, this one is just fact. There aren’t that many Manga fans out there, but if you’re lucky enough to have one present, this will send them into a frenzy, citing examples of groundbreaking work from Japanese guys you’ve never heard of, like Toshiro, Yogotaki, and Mishriyama. If they seem like they might be holding their own in the argument, don’t be afraid to mention Sailor Moon, and Tentacles.

Ang Lee’s Hulk was awesome

This item could very easily backfire on you, if you’re not prepared. You’ll likely be greeted with a unified front of disagreement. Don’t be scared, and stick to your guns. Remember, your goal here is not to be right, but to make nerds excitable. Make reference to things like the comic book look and feel of the movie, and the subtle effect of the psychological make-up of Bruce Banner. DO NOT attempt to argue on the following points: Hulk Dogs, Nick Nolte.

D and D 4.0 is just World of Warcraft with pen and Paper

This topic will flush out the full nerds from your group, they simply won’t be able to feign ignorance, or keep their opinion to themselves. Recently, the new (4.0) version of Dungeons and Dragons came out, and sparked immediate discussion about the merits of the new system compared to version 3.5. There are many similarities between the design of 4.0 and the ridiculously popular (among the nerds) World of Warcraft. Watch as the 3.5 purists mock things like healing surges and diagonal movement costs. See the 4.0 advocates mock the high level problems of 3.5, and espouse the speed of the combat system.

Kirk is better than Picard

An argument that even the non-nerds can jump into. comparing the relative merits of Captain Kirk to Captain Picard will generate discussion of Starfleet policy, acting styles, and manliness. Again, if you’re looking for flashpoint issues, throw out these two: “Shatner cannot act”,”Picard was French”.

The Kirk camp will be those who love The Original Series the most, and won’t be swayed by arguments involving the cheese factor, Kirk’s staccato delivery, and his flagrant chewing of any furniture in the nearby vicinity.

The Picard people will think themselves superior due to the more sophisticated nature of The Next Generation. They will point to Picard’s maturity, his acting ability, and his baldness.

Firefly lasted 14 episodes too long

No show in recent memory has sparked more discussion among the fanboys than Joss Whedon’s “Firefly”. Fans of the show loved it for its attractive cast, irreverent attitude and snappy dialogue. Detractors hated it for its use of the “space western” genre, and mostly the way the fans of the show seem to drool on endlessly about. If your luck is good, and the beer is strong, and the moon is full, you may be lucky enough to have this argument reach physical combat. And nothing , not even a redneck bar fight, is more fun to watch than Dexter and Milton duking it out over Nathan Fillion.

And thus, we come to the end of our article. We wish you good luck in your nerd-baiting, a phrase we hesitate to use, as it simply sounds wrong, and conjures up images we’d rather not have to scrub out of our brains later.

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.

ConCERNed? Ha! Seriously, Large Hadrons, and the End of the World.

We here at The Correctness are not physicists. OH! Wait- No, I looked around again, and we are not physicists, but what we ARE for certain is correct, and we’d like to offer some advice on your impending doom. So, regarding your horrifying death: When CERN finally fixes the Large Hadron Collider in November, we can guarantee you that the first large hadron collision will set in motion the destruction of all life on earth, most probably by terrifying creatures from dimensions beyond, but possibly, and somewhat optimistically, just from a massive gravitational collapse that will swallow our planet. Let’s explain a bit about the LHC.

Understanding the LHC, and Subaru AWD:

Again, we’re not physicists since “the incident”, but the elementary basics of the LHC can be easily understood. A particle accelerator, which is what the LHC is- in fact, it’s a humungo one-  is tasked with smashing things into other things so we can find out what’s inside of things.  I repeat. This multi-billion dollar scientific device, requiring the cooperation of many nations to build, and the finest minds in particle physics and engineering,  is a machine which smashes things into other things. Specifically, its job is to make with the smashing of tiny subatomic particles into each other to see what’s inside of them, and create images of the microscopic aftermath.

Now, if you’re like me, and the particle collider process sounds akin to smashing two Subarus into each other, head on, and counting the flying parts to see how the all-wheel-drive works, then you , like me, aren’t that far off the mark.  This highly scientific sounding process takes high speed images of the shit that flies off of other shit when you wreck it hard- like, speed of light hard. That’s one hard wreckin’. Like, as hard as I would wreck Ellen Page if she wouldn’t be outrageously offended at the suggestion, and especially if I wasn’t so scathingly asexual lately. If you wrecked your Subaru at the speed of light- wait, I’m going to stop this article and do some high school physics calculations here- let’s say you wrecked your Subaru at the speed of light by smashing it into, say, a populated area, the resulting impact would be , carry the one- um- AWESOMELY HUGE IN A MICHAEL BAY KIND OF WAY. To take it back to Star Wars (and you know we like to), it would have been way easier for the Death Star to obliterate Alderaan by lobbing a couple of Subarus at them out of high orbit rather than charging up that big old laser (see: Item 7 of TBinns article http://www.thecorrectness.com/movies/25-things-wrong-with-the-star-wars-universe/ ) In fact, tossing a surplus star destroyer at a planet would be extremely effective at high speeds too, and this is technology that only requires you to have a nearby sun or planet to fling shit around. What I’m getting at is when you smash things fast, they go smashier.  The LHC smashes things the very smashiest. Guess I lost my chance with Ellen Page, huh.  I have a friend who saw Ellen Page in a video store, and she was kind enough to warn them off on a film they were considering renting.

Now, we will be returning to the topic of your inevitable tortuous death momentarily, but if you will allow some further clarification…

Two things:  One: I have been informed that you don’t have to worry about the operation or results of the LHC, because scientists are people we can implicitly trust because they are never, ever wrong. We defy any reader to give us historical evidence of science ever being incorrect about anything, for any reason.  No, wait,  actually, no, I can think of a couple of minor ones.  Actually, some major ones.

Two: Fortunately for all of us, the scientists at CERN’s LHC are talking about smashing very tiny protons into one another, or on special days, lead nuclei. So that’s nice small stuff to smash, not Subarus. One brief pause here- Relative to size, on the proton/lead nuclei front, this is something I find funny. Imagine a baseball. Now imagine, I know it’s not used for baseball or football anymore, the Astrodome. Now, on Thursdays, we throw baseballs at each other. And on Fridays, just for giggles, we throw Astrodomes at each other. That’s the size difference between a proton and a huge old lead atom- and even just the lead nucleus is like each of us hurling 204 baseballs at each  other in two big 204 baseball lumps. That’s a lot of damn baseballs to catch square in the crotch, because that’s where you were aiming,  wasn’t it, Greg.

The Goal: Gathering Sand on a Beach

In any case, what can come of smashing this tiny stuff? Well, it’s back to school for 30 seconds. You were 8, and the smallest things in the world were molecules. Then, you were 12, and the smallest thing in the world was atoms, which made up the molecules. Then, you were in high school, and you were masturbating a lot, but also, the smallest thing in the world was the protons, neutrons and electrons that made up atoms.  Then, you were smoking up at university with your physics buddies, and they promised you that the subatomic particles are made up of groups of even smaller particles, and that was the smallest thing. CERN is trying to tally up these smallest things by making them go smashy. We have built the Lego Star Wars kits, we have engaged them in battle, we have tired of them, we have hurled them into each other in Dave’s basement, we are gathering and tallying the pieces by colour.  Some of the pieces have flown behind the shelf, and one of them nicked his sweet TV screen.

The Probable Outcome:

Let’s leave behind the science for a moment, and get practical. Whoah,  that was an ironic statement. Anyways, let’s do that thing I just said. If you think nicking Dave’s TV doesn’t sound like so big of a problem, it is probably because you are insensitive, and you can’t afford to replace his TV.  But when the Large Hadron Collider hits Dave’s TV, it TEARS A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND CAUSES MICROSCOPIC STABLE BLACK HOLES TO OPEN UP, THROUGH WHICH WILL COME THE GREAT OLD ONES. The speeds of these collisions are so fast, and so intense, and so energetic, and cause such dramatic funkification of spacetime that most assuredly we will awaken the Elder Gods who slumber in a parallel universe, needing only the faintest crack in our reality to slip through and strangle us all with their hideous tentacles.

Inevitable Monster Movie:

Hasn’t anyone read Steven King’s “The Mist”? Or seen the film? Or really any of the other books which refer to “the Mist” including the entire Dark Tower series?  Or read Frankenstein, or know what Frankenstein is? REPEAT AFTER ME: When we mess with science shit, we always, always, always end up battling creatures we can’t control. We have learned this lesson time and again, from Jurassic park, from Event Horizon, from, uh, Spongebob Squarepants I guess.

So, let’s say the tiny black holes don’t crack open interdimensional gates- which, we assure you as non physicists, they absolutely will-  then maybe the tiny black holes just continue to grow and grow and grow until their immense and unstoppable gravitational pull sucks you in and you die at the event horizon fatter than you’ve ever been- well, more massive- anyways- well, the same mass but feeling bloaty-  you’ll die, and you will feel seriously ugly.

AT BEST, there is the possibility of the production of a “strangelet”.  A strangelet is two things: One, it is obviously smaller and cuter than a strange, because it is called a strangelet, just as we know that a couplet , in poetry, is a small, cute couple, just like Ellen Page and I would be. Two, it is a type of  subatomic particle which, if it did hypothetically interact with regular matter, could make all normal matter into “strange matter” in a weird chain reaction.  Now, nobody can explain to us how that might change things, but it sound DC comics enough to us, so it seems okay.

But to get down to brass tacks (a phrase for which the etymology eludes me completely) the MOST LIKELY situation is that once microscopic black holes create a gateway into the hidden realm of unimaginable horrors that will drive you mad to even behold with the faintest flicker of one glance, that’s when shit gets all doomy. Scientists at CERN have conducted two, count ‘em, two safety reviews, and they are confident, as the scientists who are in charge of the multi-billion dollar operation that would be a colossal waste of money if it failed, that none of these things will happen. I think we can all agree that when scientists who are beholden to their international investors to produce results on massively expensive experimental devices tell us something, it’s worth taking their assurances with several grains of salt. An ASTRODOME of salt, which could be then hurled at high speed towards another astrodome of salt, producing salty astrodome particles which can be counted and categorized, finally allowing us to know how effective the Astro’s coaching staff was in 70’s. Anyways, prepare to be eaten , not just eaten but DEVOURED by the Cthulhu.

Spotting the Cthulhu:

You may be interested as to how to spot the Cthulhu as they pass through the colourful interdimensional vortex from the place we would understand as a “city” of R’leyh. First, some basics on Cthulhu:

- They are the ones that when you look at them, make you go completely insane.

- They have tentacles on their awful, repulsive, squid heads, and are drooling hate like a retarded baby camel drools drool.

- They desire not only to consume your flesh, but your soul, so they have special teeth to chew up your soul.

-Dudes will be chanting the following: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,

- You feel insane, because you looked at one.

And that’s about it. Once those things start coming through and devouring your very life force and tormenting your fleeing friends with horrors they cannot fathom or comprehend, it’s Doomsville. No amount of knowledge about the so called subatomic particle zoo will protect you from the grasp of a slick spiky tentacle and the maw of a giant creature with breath that reeks of decay and infinity, if indeed the nameless horror has breath to breathe!

Doom 2012 is right on schedule, thanks again Science for nothing. Fuck you guys.

Please Note: H1 N1 is not an astromech droid from Star Wars. It is in fact a potentially fatal virus, also known as swine flu. It is subsequently a lot less cool than we first thought. We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused with our previous endorsement.

The Correctness Book Club

This Week: Pride and Prejudice, as reviewed by Dave, Rob, and Tony.

R: Hi everyone, this week we’ve been reading Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I am told that this is one of the great Regency period Romances.

T: I’m a big fan of the Regency.

D: I stayed at the Regency in New York once. It was really nice- a bit dialogue heavy, but nice.

R: Let’s begin with the important parts. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but I’d like to take a moment to judge this book by its cover.

T: Good use of our time, I’d like to focus on the cover if we could, perhaps extensively.

D: Exhaustively.

R: Indeed.  My copy features a woman in a regency period dress, or what I recognize to be a period dress because she looks a bit like illustrations of Laura Secord, or one of those ivory carved necklace things with the lady on ‘em.

D: Is Laura Secord an early nineteenth century character? Do our American friends know her more for her loyalist bent, and less for her delicious chocolates?

R: We’ll google that later, as this is a real time conversation that’s real.

D: Indeed.

T: I’d like to interject here, I always assume that the 19^th century means the 1900’s on first hearing it, but of course, we are talking about the early 1800’s here, which is the dawn of the 19^th century. It always makes me second guess the time period.

R: Thanks, Tony. In any case, judging this book by its cover, one would think there was going to be quite a few women posing in dresses for portraiture in this book.  I was mistaken in this regard, and so a cover which conveys the main plot element somehow, like, um, a topless lady-wrestling ring might be more apt.

D: I’d just like to get back to Laura Secord for a minute, I haven’t seen one of those stores for a while, and they were a real staple of the malls…

T: My copy has Keira Knightley on it.

D: My copy is different…

R: The Keira Knightley cover is the superior copy to be sure, but we don’t need to dedicate a lot of time to Keira Knightley and how totally hot she is, this is about Pride and Prejudice, the taut, yet cynical Regency Romance.  In any case, our story begins with the Bennet sisters all scrambling to find husbands so that they don’t lose their house. May I just say, and we three are all homeowners, as an encumbrance to my land title, I did receive the appliances, but not any of the daughters of the previous owners.

T: Nor did I. My wife would have never allowed it.

D: My cover  has Mr. Darcy with his shirt off, you guys.

R: Yes, Dave, We’ve left that topic for the moment.  In any case, to the rescue of the ladies comes  the wealthy Mr. Bingley, who develops an affection for Jane, the eldest daughter of the Bennets. Meanwhile, Bingley has brought along his sisters and Mr. Darcy on his first visit.

D: Who brings their sisters on a first date?

T: Maybe he’s a group dater.

R: It was a different time, a trip to the country was a bigger deal then.

D: Do you know that? Because I think it’s rude. I think it’s a plot device to get Elizabeth to meet, and be rejected by Mr. Darcy.

R: Dave, historically speaking, a trip to a country manor would have been a matter of some difficulty, and importance.

T: But you don’t know that for sure.

D: Yeah, do you?

R: No, I- You’re right no, I’m just suggesting that it wouldn’t, in the context of the time period, have been so weird to bring along your sisters and your poker buddy on an extended date to the country. In any case, when Elizabeth is rebuffed by Mr. Darcy at a local dance-

T: Rebuffed?

D: I actually want to talk about the buff thing, my copy has-

R: Rebuked?

T: Rejected would be simpler.

R: When Elizabeth Bennet is haughtily rejected by Mr. Darcy-

T: Haughtily?

D: Hottily? Because my Copy, you guys…

T: Haughtily is exactly how it is described on Wikipedia.

R: Well, that’s a coincidence, isn’t it. In any case-

T: Have you even read all of this?

R: Basically, yes,  well, the first several chapters, yes.

T: Because when we get to the part about how Keira Knightley begins to feel more strongly for Mr. Darcy-

R: Keira Knightley? You haven’t read it either!

D: My copy is different…

T: I have too read it. I just mixed them up because I saw the movie.

R: You are lying. You watched the movie.

T: Well, you very clearly read the synopsis on Wikipedia.

R: A SYNOPSIS, I MIGHT ADD, WHICH IN ITSELF WAS ALMOST TOO BORING TO GET THROUGH!

T: This totally defeats the purpose of having The Correctness Book Club, Rob.

R: YOU DIDN’T READ IT, YOU JUST WATCHED THE DVD!

D: Can we just talk about that scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley? Or for that matter, the scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham? There was an awful lot of man-on-man action in the novel, and it seemed out of place to me.

R: Well, I – what?

D: This is from Chapter 3: A Bird in the Hand or: One Night in Bangkok : “Mr. Wickham rested one hand on Mr. Darcy’s cheek, and slid his other hand into the front of his pants. Gently, he began to unbutton the the front flap of his fitted riding pants. ‘We’ll be safe here in the stable’ said Mr. Wickham, his rough hands feeling rougher on the stubble of Darcy’s cheek. He drew him close, the smell of his hair and the smell of the hay loft intoxicating him…”

R: What are you reading? (grabs book)

T: This is “Gay Pride and Prejudice”, Dave, where did you pick this up?

D: At the Rainbow Resource Center, on the coffee table in the library section.

T: Why didn’t you just go to a regular library?

D: Fines. Fines.  Anyways, I thought is seemed a little sexy for Austen. I thought “man, there is more gay sex in this than Northanger Abbey” .

R: That was published posthumously, there is no defending it.

D: How do you know that?

R: Wait, why was your next choice the Rainbow Resource Center? What were you doing there?

D: They have a DVD collection.

R: Yes, I know they do, it’s fairly extensive.

T: How do you know they do, Rob?

R: Because my friend is the festival director for Fairytales film festival.

T: Oooooh! Does he love you?

R: She’s a she, and no.

T: She loves you.

R: Tony, SHE runs the FAIRYtales film festival, the gay and LESBIAN film festival.

T: She Looooooooves you.

R: Tony, No, she clearly- why am I explaining this?

D: Hey, Rob, you left your wallet at the Rainbow Resource Center anyways. Here it is.

R: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! LET’S MOVE ON!

T: Wow sensitive, much?

D: Yeah, that closet getting uncomfortable, Rob?

R: MY SEXUALITY IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION! FOCUS! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!

T: I think we can all agree that one of the most exciting sequences is when Mr. Darcy finds himself in the jungle temple. He carefully attempts to remove the idol from the platform, and replaces its weight with a bag of sand. Too late, however, the trap is sprung and Mr. Darcy  is being chased through the collapsing temple by blow darts and a giant boulder!  “Throw me the rope!” says Mr Darcy. “Throw me the idol!” says Elizabeth Bennet, but you just know she won’t do it.

D: That is a great moment, yes, but let’s not ignore the moment where Elizabeth Bennet is piloting her X-wing on her final trench run in the Death star, closely pursued by an incorrigible Mr. Darcy – who, at this point in the novel is overwhelmed by the dark side-   but she still manages to hit a target no bigger than two metres wide.

T: That’s a hard target.

D: You forget that Elizabeth used bull’s-eye womp rats in her T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters.

R: Fellas, I think we should-

T: Wait, 2 metres is actually a really big animal. Like, how big is a womp rat?

D: They are obviously a serious pest. I mean, to get that big.

T: But what are they eating on Tatooine? It’s so arid!

D: Jawas? Maybe they eat jawas.

T: Well, that’s plausible.