ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: James T Kirk vs. Jason Bourne and his whole identity! It’s a match made in Space Hell, where malevolent gaseous beings push you, the reader, around for 2000 words, and that’s just the comments section!

 

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

 

RobbieRobTown:

Are you shitting me? This isn’t even a fight. Winner: Kirk, because he’s James T Kirk. The “T” stands for “Motherfucking”.

Fun Fact: James Kirk has his own spaceship, and he flies around and fights/fucks everything, sometimes both, at the same time.

Fun Fact: Jason Bourne flies around earth, on commercial airlines, and his girlfriends keep getting blown up.

Fun Fact: Kirk sometimes fights things that don’t even have physical bodies, and he fights lizard monsters, and makes his own diamond cannons.

Fun Fact:  Bourne was programmed by an American government agency to deal with anything, except for a crippling debt crisis.

Fun Fact: Kirk knows the sweet move where you link your hands together and hammer a dude on the back, which knocks him out for some reason.

Fun Fact: I have NEVER seen Bourne hand-hammer anyone, not even one of his girlfriends.

I hope Jason Bourne got some rest during “The Bourne Vacation” or “Harry Potter and the Boredom of the Bourne”, because he is going to need it.  The bell rings, and Jason Bourne is already at a loss because his writers needed him to be involved in some elaborate government plot that has been tracking him all over the planet for ages and ages, even though it took the US government 10 years to find Bin Laden. Bin Laden was in a “compound”.

Fun Fact: Don’t waste time looking for terrorists in homes, or apartments, or caves, they are usually in “Compounds”. Check the compounds first next time.

Anywhozle, Bourne is just narrowly escaping from some improbably complex, expensive plan to capture him.  That leaves Kirk free to give an inspiring speech which appeals to the creators of this contest to convince them that violence is not the answer!

“Violence is… not our…way! We’ve learned …to.. suppress our… animal instincts! To…feel caring, even…love for…those different from us!”  This means KIrk just opened the door to show any hot aliens who don’t know what love is what, uh, what love is. He will show them with his penis.

Bourne might be back on his feet, but Kirk would have already realized that there is no escaping this contest! Kirk probably tried to get past the force field, and walk through the weird, open-concept western town with the floating clock.

But what’s this?

Bourne: Hay Kahk! You lahk ahpples?

Kirk: There is…. something wrong with… the translator… I can’t… understand you!

Bourne: Ah Gaht the Green Chick’s nahmbah! How deh yeh lahk them Ahpples?

But then it’s over with one swift, awkward drop kick, and a weird two-handed back-hammer. Kapow! Bourne is out, Kirk gives another rousing speech about the constitution of the United States, and solves the debt problem. You’re welcome, America.

Winner: Are you drunk on Tranya? Kirk wins.

Loser: Will Hunting

 

James T. Kirk v. Jason Bourne

Kirk is Shatner. Let’s be clear about that. There will be no talk about Chris Pine in this.

I’m not a Star Trek guy. I liked the original series and remember watching it on CBC Saturday afternoons at 1 pm (my super power is that I remember the timeslot of every show I watched as a kid). But I don’t think I’ve seen all of TNG and almost none of DS9 or Voyager.

Bourne, on the other hand, is just out-and-out super awesome funtime cool.

To the arena:

Kirk has been here before. I’m pretty sure the episode was called The Arena. I guess that makes the “The Arena 2.” Or “Arena II: How can the same thing happen to the same Star Fleet captain twice?” Kirk’s shirt is ripped exactly along the seam on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how it got ripped, but what can you do?

Jason Bourne just wanted to be left alone. But here he is, and he knows what it will take to get back to … whatever he does between movies. Kayak? I always think of him as outdoorsy, but doing kinda quiet things. I’ll stick with kayaking.

On top of the pole are Kirk’s phaser and Bourne’s sniper rifle. That is where they will stay because these two are hand-to-hand experts. They start circling each other, sizing up their opponent. Kirk runs at Bourne and does a flying kick, knocking the assassin to the ground.

Bourne jumps to his feet and runs at Kirk, catching him in the stomach. Kirk uses his most deadly move, the double ax-handle to the top of the back. This fails to take down our memory-impaired competitor, mostly due to the top of the back is one of the hardest places on your body and not a nerve centre. In fact, it was probably the most useless move he could make against an opponent whose head is right there.

Jason steps back, his eyes go steely, then he moves in. And Jason hits and hits and hits. The audience has trouble seeing exactly what is happening because everything has gone all blurry and the arena cameras are zoomed in WAY too close to capture the action. Jason tears Kirk’s head off and spits down his throat.

Seriously, Kirk was ok, but Jason beat a guy near to death with a rolled-up magazine. And that bit where he took down an armed man with a hardcover book was friggin’ brilliant. This whole match was just a bit silly.

Winner: Jason Bourne, who didn’t even need his rolled up magazine which is totally the best weapon ever used in a fight scene.

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

 

Admin_Rock

This week’s smackdown is going to be a tough one: for Star Trek fans. We have James Kirk, swaggering pussy hound of space, against a man who has been programmed, trained, and in every other way possible, trained to kill and not be killed.

First we have Kirk, who indeed has much experience in the arena of death. He’s fought his share of Gorns and Klingons, usually taking them out with rocks or found objects, and has always come out on top. He’s stared death in the face, cheated when he needed to, and even endured a seriously bad perm.

Next, we have Jason Bourne, or David Webb, or whatever we’re calling him this week. Bourne works, let’s go with that. Bourne is a man of constant sorrow, a loner, drifting through this world, trying to set right what once went wrong. He’s David Banner,Kwai Chang Caine, Sam Beckett all rolled in to one. He’s an expert with pretty much every modern weapon known to man.

So, on the surface, it seems like a pretty even fight. Kirk has the experience, Bourne the expertise. Kirk has a phaser, which might help him, if he can get to it. Bourne, well, who knows what weapon he has. It could be a copy of this month’s Elle. Or maybe a Satsuma orange. Doesn’t matter, whatever it is, it’s lethal in his hands.

So enough, let’s cut the bullshit. There is simply no way in hell that Kirk takes this fight. Bourne is an unstoppable killing machine. One guy tried really hard to kill him. He shot him a few times in the back and threw him in the ocean, which also wiped his memory. Not enough. Another time, someone blew his car off of a bridge, killed his girlfriend, and left him to drown. Didn’t happen. I’m willing to bet you could leave him in a room with a Queen Alien, and Bourne would walk out an hour later, smoking and eating eggs. You know all those Chuck Norris jokes you see on the net. They should be about Bourne.

Come on, he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. Wait, you might have skimmed that too quickly, let me repeat: he beat the shit out of a guy with a rolled up newspaper. If you think a cocky starship captain with a sly grin and some weird ass karate chop is going to stop Bourne, well, you probably liked Voyager. No contest. The horn goes, Kirk runs for the weapons. Bourne slips beside him, and delivers about 14 kicks to the legs and face, putting Kirk out of his misery. As Kirk is reeling on the ground, trying to focus, gasping for breath, Bourne leans in and whispers “THIS is Ceti Alpha Five”, and pokes Kirk’s larynx out of the back of his throat.

Winner: Jason Bourne

Decision: Jason Bourne

So Jason Bourne moves on to the next round. Agree or disagree, but do so below. Share your love or hate.

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.