(Note: this is a repost of the original)

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The Joker vs The Green Goblin. The Clown Prince of Crime takes on Gobby. (Note: The Green Goblin for our purposes is Norman Osbourne, and not the current Iron Patriot bullshit Norman Osbourne that Marvel is spinning, but good old Norman Osbourne.

Rob:

First off let me say this: It is lovely and refreshing to have a supervillain smackdown. The supervillains have none of the tedious moral codes which complicated our superhero smackdown. Stay tuned for horrible people doing horrible things to each other in the name of science.

Next, oh fans, friends, and people who are here to rain down derision upon me like a shower of molten lead with lasers attached to every drop, I have three things to say to you: Gay. Rocket. Skateboard.

Today’s battle is between The Joker, the twisted, perfect psychopathic foil to Batman’s weird sociopathic singlemindedness, and The Green Goblin, who has, well, a gay rocket skateboard.

I am a huge Spider Man fan, you guys know this, but we are pitting the most sinister, immoral mind in comicdom versus a guy who rides around on a homosexual Seadoo. He might as well be called the Pink Gobbler and shoot hot coconut cream out of a fleshy firehose. Oh, I know I open myself up to our usual haters explaining that it is, in fact, I, RobbieRobTown, who is the homosexual Seadoo captain, and I admit that I am the only unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness due to my obvious inability and disinterest in pleasing a woman.

Perhaps, as well, this is unfair to the Green Goblin because it is homophobic AND it is undermining the danger of scorching shrapnel from a pumpkin grenade. Norman Osborne has faced madness, just as the mysterious Joker has. As well, I was pleased by the inclusion of the Harry Osborne sub-plot in the Spidey films.

I just don’t think Norman Osborne has it in him to do the things necessary to really win this fight. You know who does though? The Joker.

If The Joker wanted to demoralize you, he would begin by secretly and repeatedly raping your cat. When you got home from your long days at work, as weeks passed by, your cat would get progressively more terrified of humans, and yet more needy, scratching you in your nethers as you napped on the couch. Then the Joker would rape your boss at work. Then, before you discovered all this raping was going on, The Joker would rape you and leave you alive because it would upset and destabilize you more than just killing you or cutting off your wang- though, he might also cut off your wang, and fashion a wang grenade out of it, which he would use to frighten a sexually puritanical Norman Osborne.

The Green Goblin could have all the nifty technical doodads he wanted to have, because the Joker would have spent his prep time draining the younger Osborne’s blood all over the goblin-board, so that when Norman stepped on it, he would be forced to remember the appalling murder of his son committed right on the very surface of his queer hover pogo.

Winner: Joker.
Loser: Gay Rights Discourse.

Dave:

Ahhh Smackdown, how we’ve missed you. Your ability to slam our server around like a small bug, your protracted discussion of all things comic, your throngs of comments telling me how wrong/stupid/gay I am. This one will be much trickier, simply because we have less contact with our villains, less chance to truly get to know them. On the plus side, no Superman, and every one of the villains has personality to spare.

Green Goblin has some pretty neat weapons in his arsenal, and his mobility, his distance attacks, and his speed are a dangerous combination. Not to mention he has super speed, agility, stamina, and a healing factor (cuz let’s face, who the fuck in the Marvel universe doesn’t have a healing factor these days?).

The Joker, on the other hand, has no super powers. He has his intellect, and his sheer madness. Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s enough to make him Batman’s archenemy, and anyone who underestimates him usually ends up dead.

Showtime: Gobby comes out flying, literally. He strafes the playing field with pumpkin bombs, while Joker runs around wildly, staying just out of reach, cackling wildly. The crowd roars with approval, as Joker is knocked over by one of Goblin’s strafing run.

Goblin turns around, ready to fly in for the kill, when he hears the horrific screams of the entire crowd, who begin convulsing and die from lethal does of Joker Gas, coming from the blimps overhead. When his attenion returns to Joker, Goblin sees him holding a sign with giant letters reading “DON’T LOOK DOWN”, which Goblin, of course does. He notices, for the first time, a small “sticky bomb” which explodes in a flash of light, blinding Goblin, which sends him smashing into the ground where Joker previously stood.

When he staggers out of the wreckage, he’s knocked down, and finds himself on the ground, with Joker sitting on his chest. Joker injects something into Goblin’s neck. Goblin looks up, no longer able to move, and says “You killed them all.?” Joker smiles, busily stuffing a mini-pumpkin bomb into Gobby’s mouth, followed by duct tape. Joker leans in and whispers “boom”. He walks away, while Goblin’s face explodes, looking much like a Jack o’Lantern.

Winner: Joker

TONY

GREEN GOBLIN: Get ready to die, Clown

JOKER: Say, Gobby…I don’t suppose you want to see a magic trick, do you? Make this pencil disappear? No? EVERYONE has seen that movie. Remind me to kill Heath Ledger…OH WAIT…I ALREADY DID HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

There can be no question; The Green Goblin has EVERY advantage going into this. He’s 10 times stronger than Batman. He has the rocket sled and a variety of other lethal gadgets. He’s got the speed, and the will to kill.

But who has more experience than dealing with a much stronger, faster foe with all kinds of cool gadgets than the Joker? There is no way the Joker is dumb enough to go toe to toe with this guy. He’ll have to outsmart him. Fortunately that’s kind of his thing.

As for taking the “Gay surfboard” out of the equation, the Joker could fall back on the old giant gun in the pants routine. Or alternatively, he could pull a big purple remote control out of his pocket, bring the rocket sled to a sudden stop and watch Gobby go flying off of the front end. Either way, I think we can agree that taking the sled out is something the Joker can and would do.

The pumpkin bombs are a trickier proposition Batman doesn’t use guns or grenades. The Joker’s patented “Stand there, laugh and dare someone to hit me “maneuver is not going to work out so well when gourd artillery is involved. Joker has to think fast, gas isn’t going to work, I’m pretty sure Gobby’s mask acts as a gas mask..

This is where Robbies assertion of mind games come in. I wouldn’t put it past the Joker to A) Kidnap Harry, use as a human shield,

b) to replace all Gobbies pumpkin bombs with confetti bombs.

c) Rig them to go off in Osbourne’s face when he tries to throw them

d) Kidnap Mary Jane Watson, to ensure that Spider-man shows up to help him deal with the problem

e) All of the above because, well…why not?

The point is that at the end of this thing it will be the Joker who gets the last multi coloured “Ha ha ha ha ha ha” on the page. And he’d rub it in too.

GOBLIN: (Broken…crawling) …the crowd…they’re LAUGHING …at me

JOKER: Yep, they sure are. But to be fair, they can’t really help it

(The crowd is laughing themselves to death on the gas that Harley Quinn is pumping into the arena)

GOBLIN: I…will…kill…you.

JOKER: Good for you. Never give up. Reminds me of someone else I know who’s crazy and wears a stupid mask. Speaking of which I’m late for an appointment. Gotta run. Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. I’m a big fan. Gwen Stacy? BRAVO!!! Still, I can’t have you crawling after me…so NIGHTY NIGHT!

(Joker zaps him with an electric current from his cane)

JOKER: Oh Harley?

HARLEY (Over the PA) Yes Mr. J?

JOKER: Find out who “The Correctness” is I’m going to teach them a lesson about copyright infringement.

HARLEY: Sure thing puddin’!

JOKER: That’s my girl.

Winner: The Joker

Decision: The Joker

And so the Joker moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Catwoman vs Mystique. The world holds its collective breath, wondering, waiting to see how RobbieRobTown will write this conflict.

Call us names below!

——————————————————————
(comments from the original post)

1/4 20 said on 12-03-2010
1/4 20

BRA-FUCKIN-VO. let the derisive comments fly. you guys rock.

spcMike said on 12-03-2010
spcMike

Actually, that was well thought out, entertaining, and well above par from your usual form.

admin_rock said on 12-03-2010
admin_rock

Is it weird to anyone else that I can see ads for Push up Bras and Child Molestation for this post?
Reply
dugitman said on 12-03-2010
dugitman

Hahaha. Awesome. So happy to see you guys back.
Reply
Tbinns said on 12-03-2010
Tbinns

I must confess I was unaware that the Goblin had a healing factor. That might be the key to him winning this thing. No, who am I kidding? It’s the Joker for God’s sake.

spcMike said on 12-03-2010
spcMike

Goblin might have a healing factor, but I’ve lost track of how many times the Joker has supposedly died only to show up later. Also, Joker was recently shot in the head and survived. Besides, I don’t think Goblin could survive getting sprayed by the Joker’s acid flower.

n8 said on 16-03-2010
n8

At this point the -lack- of a healing factor would be more notable. Healing factors are a crutch for weak writing, so they pretty much come standard now. The “he couldn’t have survived that” trope has been institutionalized… but it’s sad that “miraculous” recoveries have become to-be-expected.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 12-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

I’m disturbed by the lack of hostility in the comment section. I can’t do anything about that though so instead I’ll nitpick! If, as previously stated in the rules of combat, our villainy heroes are fighting in a stadium with a roof, how did the blimp get there? Is it an abnormally tiny blimp? Operated by tiny blimp flying midgets? With cute little goggles?

Matt said on 12-03-2010
Matt

It’s a small fleet of radio controlled novelty blimps, each one with a small gas tank. While the dispersal area of each blimp is small, they get pretty close to the crowd before deploying their payload. Since the gas is heavier than air a single deployment at the top of the stands and a few more to block the main exits will suffice for killing off the entire crowd.

fmywu said on 12-03-2010
fmywu

It’s the Joker. He probably programmed the stadium roof to open, or opened it before the fight. Also, since when did Joker EVER play by the rules?

LordsBreed said on 12-03-2010
LordsBreed

This is total crap.

Are we assuming that, in practically every instance listed above, that Green Goblin is going to let Joker come up and fiddle with his bombs and glider before the match starts?

Every single scenario hinges on the deus ex machina, that Joker did “something” off screen that causes the Goblin to lose.

This was very poorly done, and disappointing. You basically made a decision and then rail roaded the decision ignoring everything else besides the “facts”.

Personally, I didn’t care who won if it was done well. It wasn’t down well. 0/10.

LordsBreed said on 12-03-2010
LordsBreed

Something I forgot. With the two days of prep, Joker did all these things on various depictions of the match, yet the Goblin did ‘nothing’? He set nothing up, and left his tools out in the open with a “Sure, you can look at it Joker” sign? Yup. Total rail road.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Agreed.

As I say below, the Joker is not breaking into Oscorp and touching Norman’s gear. Norman’s got security that puts the Batcave to shame (he’s a paranoid guy) and resources that match (if not exceed) Bruce Wayne’s.

He’s also got killer robots, super-powered lackeys, and plain old hitmen on his payroll. The Joker would be spending two days trying not to get killed.

Bankarin said on 12-03-2010
Bankarin

Bravo and right on! Perfect call. The Goblin might have all sorts of tech, but so does the Bat and how many times has the Joker gotten over on him? And the Goblin doesn’t have half the smarts the Bat does so even with a year of advance notice over the Joker, Joker still could nullify and counter act anything he did. Really can’t see anyone disputing this one.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Norman Osborn is SMARTER than Bruce Wayne. He’s also just as rich (if not richer) and doesn’t lack Batman’s crippling moral compunctions; He murders people on a whim.

And like I point out in my long post below, Norman’s tech is far and away better than Batman’s. He wears armor. Not just Kevlar, like Batman, but armor somewhat like Iron Man’s Starktech.

And again, Batman doesn’t have super powers. Norman can lift 9 tons, is resistant to damage, moves faster, has better reflexes, and has a healing factor that has allowed him to survive being impaled and blown up.

Boxer said on 12-03-2010
Boxer

Fantastic. No other words suffice.

Also, the Joker dialog is pure gold. I can almost hear the dulcet tones of Mark Hamil laughing wildly in my head.

CraxyD said on 12-03-2010
CraxyD

Him and don’t forget Arleen Sorkin

steve said on 12-03-2010
steve

I agree, but, uh, why so homophobic? It was really fucking distasteful at some points.

*sighs*

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

Really going for Joker versus Dr. Doom here are you?

RobbieRobTown said on 12-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Ah yes, we haven’t been introduced. Because I am the subject of so many homophobic jokes, and because in real life I am on the selection comittee for a gay and lesbian film festival, it should seem ironic, but I’ll tone it down.

steve said on 13-03-2010
steve

Okay, that’s cool.

JokerFan said on 12-03-2010
JokerFan

It stands as a pure testament to the excellent voice work of the Batman: TAS cast that I read the last segment with perfect Joker and Harley voices in my head. That or I’m insane, but still. Damn.

ItsJustJake said on 12-03-2010
ItsJustJake

I think it would start with “A) Kidnap Harry”. Disguise him as the Joker and force them to fight, then when Norman kills Harry (who spends most of the fight running), the Real Joker reveals the real truth about what Norman just did and who he really killed – and then finishes the Goblin off with a giant Hammer.

Then he steals the gay rocket sled and programs it to write naughty limiericks about Robin in the sky.

Yearsofcomicsmadeitfalloff said on 12-03-2010
Yearsofcomicsmadeitfalloff

So no no no no and wait wait for it NO!!!

1) GG has the super solder serum in him same as Steve Rogers AKA Captn America ie

Paralysis injection=not gonna work Captn america wasn’t stoped by gas from the red skull during his bout at the panthers lair

NO ONE know osbourne is the GG because hes skitzofrenic-sp he dosnt even know hes GG, so no one will be breaking into his top secret lab 1 mile underground at oscorp. so no rigging of weaponry golblin wins and as for wit?

GG is a biochemical engineer that unlocked the super soilder serum Joker is a lamo DC comic pile that is so spokey because hes unpredicatable. ohhhh unpredictable vs 70mph+! razor sharpe board so in the knocking joker to the ground scenario replace knocking with cutting in half.

And finally if you actually manage to kill GG then you have to face Osbourne Junior , and the Hobgoblin after you kill Harry its just no use Joker is dead all are happy and DC SUCKS

ItsJustJake said on 12-03-2010
ItsJustJake

Have you actually READ any comics? The whole world knows he was the Green Goblin – he’s just managed to seed enough doubt that he’s escaped punishment for most of his life.. that, and the fact that everyone ‘thought’ he was dead.

Green Goblin doesn’t have “the Super Soldier Serum”, and neither he nor Cap are “Immune to injections”. What are you, Seven years old, or something? You don’t know squat about either character. The Goblin might have been working on a VARIANT of the Super Soldier Serum, but they really aren’t the same thing.

And none of this is about what might happen ‘after’, or who ELSE the people can bring on (Hammer Troops, Thunderbolts/Initiative members, etc). It’s One Lunatic vs Another Lunatic. You just have to decide who you think the winner of THIS ONE FIGHT would be.

With 2 days to prepare? It’s going to be the Joker. The Goblin is an ego-maniac, and won’t take his opponent seriously – which will just piss off the Joker.

Bye Goblin. Next?

1/4 20 said on 12-03-2010
1/4 20

damn you sir. i was just about to do that. besides, time and time again the Joker outplays Bats (who is exponentially better than osborn), the goblin would be no challenge at all.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The Green Goblin in Ultimates was working on the super soldier serum. Mainstream Marvel Green Goblin was not. So that part of your argument is invalid.

Secondly, as others have pointed out, your supposition about revenge, while possibly valid, is not germane to this discussion as it stands.

Third, it has been posited that the Joker, as a result of his madness, is aware of the fictional nature of his reality and that his power is essentially metafictional in nature. This, as evidenced by the discussion regarding Deadpool in the hero brackets (and seriously? Deadpool a hero?) is quite a power and one that Osborn, who is more conventionally insane, cannot match.

Fourth, you argue from bias, sir. The match as described fits both characters. Osborn in a straight up fight fights. Joker engages in lateral thinking. That is why he is the Batman’s archnemesis. They both fight the same way — with their minds.

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

How the hell did that happen.

Damnit Rob.

Vet. said on 12-03-2010
Vet.

If it’s classical Green Goblin vs Joker, its a toss up. Both are definately crazy but through their craziness their genius shines through.

However if you are talking current Green Goblin, well, turns out he’s lost his goblin setup and traded it in for an Iron Man suit. And he has his Dark Avengers. And HAMMER formerly known as SHIELD. Did I mention Sentry? Yeah, he’s got the Sentry. And with the current story arcs the Sentry is quite possible the strongest being in the Marvel Universe.

netweavr said on 12-03-2010
netweavr

Sentry can’t even beat the Hulk.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The description of the match made it clear that it is the classic Green Goblin, not Iron Patriot, that we are discussing here.

Secondly, by that logic, Doom will win…beg pardon, Doom will Triumph(!) because he has the resources of an entire country available to him. Again, you are ignoring the limits of the match as described.

Vet. said on 12-03-2010
Vet.

Oh and Joker gas working? Norman created a cure for AIDS. He is a pure genius when it comes to chemicals and effects. I’m sure he’s pumped himself full of vaccines to be immune to laffy gas.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

The Joker is considered a genius when it comes to chemicals as well. That is canon. You may have a case that the serum which originally caused his madness would modify the effects of Joker’s serum, but nullify it entirely? That seems dubious.

tmntman said on 12-03-2010
tmntman

I think that you guys are making two serious miscalculations.
First, two days is not much time to prepare elaborate strategies, especially if each villain has the same two days and essentially is put on guard against the other. Maybe if you gave the Joker two days before you told the Goblin about the fight. But if both are told two days in advance, there is going to be a limit to what schemes the Joker could pull off.
Second, I don’t think you are giving the Goblin enough credit for being homicidal and or crazy. This is the guy that set up the mass killing of a stadium full of people recently and has killed in the past with no trouble. He isn’t in the Joker’s league of crazy, not even close. But he isn’t going to be distracted by a crowd in danger or stopped by a hostage.

I think it would be a double KO. With 2 days to prepare, the Joker probably doesn’t have enough time to prepare an effective strategy to actually win against the Goblin, especially if you assume that the Goblin has equal warning to protect against whatever the Joker might try. But the Joker may be crazy enough to decide that since Osborn is driven to win, then just making sure that the Goblin doesn’t win is enough of a win for him. So when the battle starts, the Joker sets off a bomb large enough to take them both out. Of course, this being the comic book world, they both survive but are eliminated since they are unable to continue fighting.

Matthew Davis said on 12-03-2010
Matthew Davis

You have a good point, unless said hostage is Harry. I think in that case Norman might give pause.

tmntman said on 12-03-2010
tmntman

I couldn’t say as my knowledge of comic book history isn’t that extensive. But I’ve seen a number of other people point out that Osborn has tried to kill Harry on more than one occasion himself. So if it meant winning, I don’t think Norman would have any problem letting Harry die.

ZeroCorpse said on 13-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

If the Joker paraded Harry in front of Norman Osborn, threatening to kill him, then Norman would kill both of them. Harry is NOT an effective human shield or psychological defense against Norman.

Too many people seem to base the outcome of this fight on the 1990s animated shows, or the movies, instead of the comics. In the comics, Norman pretty much hates his son and considers him a complete failure. The only reason Harry survived his last encounter with his dad is because Spider-Man saved him.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

…GG wanted to kill Harry, so he tried to kill him. ( failing, btw) If Harry was Joker’s hostage, I’m pretty sure the Egomaniac in GG would have some kind of mind-clouding control issues about someone else meddling with his shit.
Bottom line, the Joker is too unpredictable to … predict a proper counter strategy, and I just can’t see Norman not being manipulated by Mr. J. Mr. Osborn can’t even control his own thoughts, for shit’s sake.
…And yeah, I just think the Joker is waaaay cooler than the Green knob-gobbler, so in the comic book universe that alone spells victory. (in my humble opinion)

SAucyJack said on 12-03-2010
SAucyJack

You guys got the right decision, not the right path to it though. In an arena GG has overwhelming advantage…the only thing joker has is he has nothing to lose as compared to GG who has a family and a company and a fortune. No matter how crazy he may seem, he still knows on some level he has something there to lose.

Joker has nothing to lose…nothing.

Never fight with someone who has nothing to lose.

And the Joker says ‘Fuck your fucking rules’…given 2 days to prep, Joker would just kill GG 2 days prior to the event, strap GG’s corpse to his flying skateboard, remote control the whole gruesome cargo into the arena on fight day and make it appear he killed him in the arena.

These are villians, rules schmules and when it comes to rule breaking, Joker is par excellence

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Interesting.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

…sounds like a familiar strategy I may have heard somewhere before…

sayWhat said on 12-03-2010
sayWhat

I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come… GG is sadistic and mental and would kill the crowd to kill the joker. I just don’t get how a guy w/ no abilities is going to pull one over on GG. Sure the joker is crazy smart and sure he has nothing to lose. But I can only see Joker beating GG if GG had no idea who Joker was and no idea that there was even a match.

I think it all boils down to the sad fact that you’re all homophobes and hate his jet platform. Lame.

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Please see comment above from Steve, but I will admit to hating the jet platform. In fact, I will switch to calling it retarded.

Cate said on 12-03-2010
Cate

OK, the Heath Ledger comment honestly made my night XD I love how the Correctness will always let my inner-geek come out
Reply

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 12-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

Wow…I think this smackdown will be more rife with controversy than the superhero one…and I wouldn’t have thought that

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

You and me both, Sister, you and me both.

SeriouslyAGeekGirl said on 14-03-2010
SeriouslyAGeekGirl

Is it wrong that I’m excited about said controversy though?

Jag007 said on 12-03-2010
Jag007

This article was spot on! The reason the Joker wins is the chaos incarnate he is. GG can be as ruthless as he wants, kill the crowd, kill Harley, kill anyone he likes. But at the end of the day, the Joker just doesn’t care. GG is still stuck in a logical (if dark and twisted) world. The Joker is not bound by this. GG can’t prepare for the Joker if you give him 2 days or 2 years. And the Joker has contacts in any and everywhere. In two days, it’s feasible for him to find out who GG is, his loved ones and bring them into the mix. The Joker would stay wired on caffeine, cocaine, whatever for the whole 48 hours and just not stop.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Clearly, the guys don’t know jack about the Green Goblin, and they think the Joker has Bugs Bunny’s powers.

1. Green Goblin has super strength (can lift 9 tons), super-reflexes (can keep up with Spider-Man), superior speed & endurance, heightened (genius) intellect (on par with Stark) and has a healing factor which has allowed him to survive being impaled (he can regenerate organs and tissues in hours).

2. Green Goblin is mega-rich, owns Oscorp which designs high-tech weapons and bio-weapons, and has an arsenal that makes Joker’s look pretty lame by comparison. This also means that the Joker isn’t getting anywhere near the Goblin’s gear during the prep phase… In fact, thanks to Norman’s resources, the Joker is going to be too busy fending off hit men, robotic assassins, and super-powered lackeys to make many plans.

3. Green Goblin’s costume isn’t just a rubber mask and tights. It’s ARMOR, not unlike Starktech. It’s resistant to bullets and has allowed him to survive explosions. It’s also got a gas mask built into the headpiece (as well as multi-optics, scanners, and pretty much everything Batman has in his cowl), so Joker’s gas attacks would be worthless, as would his attempt at administering an injection. You’re not poking a hypo needle through triple-weave Kevlar/Vibranium.

4. Norman hates Harry. Norman has tried to kill Harry a few times himself… So if the Joker killed Harry, Norman would laugh, and then break Harley Quinn’s neck for laughs.

5. Norman has murdered THOUSANDS of people– A whole stadium full, recently– just to get what he wanted. Gassing the arena wouldn’t give Norman pause. He wouldn’t give a damn.

6. Should Spider-Man show up due to some “kidnap MJ” plan, there’s just as good a chance that Spidey knocks out the Joker FIRST before going after Norman.

7. Just mentioning again: Norman’s WAY more intelligent than the Joker. He’s on Tony Stark’s level (Marvel rates both Osborn and Stark’s intelligence at “6″ on their scale of 1-7). He didn’t just buy his gear from the Tinkerer– He invented it. He’s a skilled engineer, biochemist, and strategist. He is a genius, and the Joker’s just a clever nutjob.

8. Norman’s also crazy enough to kill everyone in the arena, and single-minded enough to do it in order to win. He has an ego the size of Galactus, and willpower to match. He’s fighting for a goal, while the Joker would only be interested in chaos.

9. You’re high if you think the Green Goblin wouldn’t just fly in, zap the joker with a bolt from his 10,000 volt gloves, and then skewer him with the horns on his glider. Nothing the Joker could do would harm GG through his armor, save maybe for high explosives, and that would kill the Joker, too. In fact, after everyone’s dead from the Joker’s explosion, Norman’s guts would knit back together (healing factor) and he’d walk out the winner anyway.

ZeroCorpse said on 12-03-2010
ZeroCorpse

Here. Read and LEARN.

http://asylums.insanejournal.com/scans_daily/470385.html

in_brightest_day said on 13-03-2010
in_brightest_day

not a big marvel fan myself, and i still think that the joker would win… but, nicely said.

Tbinns said on 13-03-2010
Tbinns

Your point is well argued. Way too late to change the outcome, mind you but a damned good arguement nonetheless.

Cate said on 13-03-2010
Cate

You know, I agree with most of this, but my main thought it this: Batman and the Joker are always well matched, and its set so Batman BARELY manages to defeat Joker at the end. Same goes for Spider-man and the Green Goblin. At the end of almost all these comments, the Superhero ends up winning. No, if I remember correctly, these 2 never fought during the Superhero Smackdown, but do you REALLY think Spider-man would defeat Batman in a fight? I think if the Joker can take on Batman, and Batman could kick the ass of the guy who could take on Green Goblin, then the Joker probably has the best chance of winning. Obviously there’s a lot of other factors, but it’s just my theory.

1/4 20 said on 13-03-2010
1/4 20

kinda cool theory. but there are angry geeks in the crowd tonight and logical arguments will not satisfy their lust for blood. but i like it.

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

Cate, this is essentially the theory we are operating on- the IF Bats=Awesome THEN Joker=Scariest.

thereisnospoon said on 14-03-2010
thereisnospoon

the whole healing factor stupidity is like a kid saying “I know you are but what am i” or “yeah, well… infinity plus 1.”
“What, my guy sucks? …well he has a healing factor, so Mr. Incredibly potent douchebag Child-molester Republican SuperTamponman wins.”

/ugh
Reply
BabyBabyRuth said on 13-03-2010
BabyBabyRuth

You know what’s crazier than both these guys put together?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FUGo5W37fY

RobbieRobTown said on 14-03-2010
RobbieRobTown

…the hell???

Tomass said on 15-03-2010
Tomass

nice jooorb!

netweavr said on 15-03-2010
netweavr

Upon further consideration, Green Goblin outclasses Joker in every way. The only way Joker comes out of this alive is by not showing up.

And even that method of survival would only be temporary.

cybersherpa said on 19-03-2010
cybersherpa

Joker would hold the stadium, city, MJ, Bat Girl, Harry Osborne, Lois Lane and your momma hostage, frame GG and have Batman, Spiderman, Superman and your old man capture GG when he shows up to the match. Then Joker, disguised as a beat cop, would shoot him in the head while he was cuffed.

Pharcyde said on 20-03-2010
Pharcyde

I posted my big ‘nerd’ post on the rules and brackets post..

Here I just want to say you guys could not have been more correct with this one. Pretty much exactly what was going through my head when I saw the match up.

Also..you’re right..its an imasculating mode of transportation..that would quickly be made a liability by the Joker as it sent Osborne rocketing into the pavement at terminal velocity.

BRA-F%CKING-VO!

Tempto said on 03-04-2010
Tempto

I have to re-iterate, I am a Spider-man Fanboi, but I have to agree that the Joker takes this one.

Here’s the problem with all the “Genius vs. Clever” arguments.

Being clever denotes a certain amount of cunning, quick thinking, even a level of common sense (although I hesitate to use the terminology “common sense” when referring to the joker..crucify me at the end, please), while being a genius simply means you’re great in school, at taking tests, and even doing things in a lab. It does not, in any way, mean a genius can outwit a clever person.

To be honest, the joker is more devious and more cunning, and all around more psychotic that the green goblin ever was, even at the peak of his insanity.

The fanboi in me is crying for justice, but I stick with it…the Joker is indeed the winner here.

Part two of our series where we recast some of your favorite comic book heroines, and sweep in like superheroes to rescue them from a lackluster performance. Today we will be recasting Spider-Man’s beloved… Mary Jane Watson

MJ, Fashion model, superhero wife, actress, and if the Spider-Man movies are to be believed, whiny self centered bitch….

Who is being replaced?

Kirsten Dunst:

Why they cast a blonde as a redhead and a redhead as a blonde we may never know. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying Topher Grace as Peter Parker and Bryce Dallas Howard as MJ might have been the more logical casting choice, and let Toby and Kirsten play Eddie and Gwen. What we do know is that despite the fact that… well…she looks good in the rain, Kirsten’s Mary Jane came off as being snippy and selfish. He’s Spider-Man for God’s sake, so what if he missed your damned play? That you sucked at and got replaced in? Boo Hoo…people are getting mugged, buildings are burning down, AND PIZZAS DON’T DELIVER THEMSELVES!!! Maybe it was the fault of the script, but maybe it was the fault of the actress, so just in case let’s get recasting, shall we?

You may have noticed that some of your favorite redheads (Felica Day, Allyson Hannigan, Emmy Rossum, Kari from Mythbusters) Are noticeably absent from the list. That is because lovely as they are, I can’t picture any of them saying “Face it tiger, you just hit the Jackpot” without irony. But these ladies might just be able to pull it off…

Honorable Mentions:

Christina Hendricks.

She might be a touch too curvy (for the part, not for me, I’d like to make that clear) and projects a wisdom beyond her years but I think if a new film was set with a slightly older Peter Parker this could totally work. Works for me at any rate.

Emily Blunt

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed to hear she wasn’t playing the Black Widow, but I think she might lend a touch of class to MJ, especially a period piece 60’s style MJ

Amy Adams

She gets the honorable mention because I think she is quite a good actress, and certainly easy on the eyes…something is not quite right for MJ, maybe she’s a little too bright and sunshiney, but it would be interesting to see her take a crack at it.

Daneel Harris

I haven’t seen enough One Tree Hill to know if she’s really all that good, but I’m prepared to give her a shot based on how much she looks the part. Can you imagine your aunt setting you up with this girl? No wonder Peter is so devoted to Aunt May.

Hey, you know who I DON’T want to play the part?

Laura Prepon. Her entire acting range is “Eric!! What the hell? You Dillhole!” She specializes in various states of annoyance it seems. No thank you.

And the “If I Had a Time Machine” award goes to…

Angie Everhart.

Jackpot, Tiger. Jackpot.

And Now…The Top 3…

#3 Evan Rachel Wood

She’s a stunning, intelligent redhead, who can act, sing (Across the Universe) and likes to date freaks…how much more Mary Jane can you get than that? And speaking of unusual taste in men…

#2 Isla Fisher

I still can’t believe Borat makes sexy time with this woman. I think what would be interesting here is that she has a softer look, she’s still model quality, but still has that “Girl next door” approachability going for her. I could totally see Peter obsessing about this girl his whole life.

And My #1 choice for the recasting of Mary Jane Watson is…

#1 Alicia Witt.

Yes, Alia from Dune grew up rather strikingly. I think I actually read somewhere that she was even offered the part and turned it down, for whatever reason. Regardless of whether or not that is true, she pulls of the model look, while never coming across as vapid or empty. I think the spirit of MJ is every bit as important as the look, and I think she pulls off both masterfully.

So there you have it…Who did I miss? Any more suggestions? Join us next time when we have the temerity to suggest casting an actual Blonde who can ACT in the role of Sue Storm

See you then.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





(Ed’s note: there is a lot of clarification in our article this week, due to high volumes of being called cum-eaters”)

Spider-Man versus The Flash

Dave

By this point in the smackdown, (this is the 10th week, if you’re keeping track), I’ve basically resigned myself to being called any number of things, regardless of whom I choose.

I thought I’d take a minute or two to clear up some misconceptions that many of you seem to have regarding the Smackdowns…

1) There is no pre-determined winner. Each of us write our piece separately, and then we post them together. One of us adds in the header and footer and some pictures, and declares the winner based on the majority. In fact, we don’t always agree on the winner.

2) We haven’t decided the ultimate winner of the bracket in advance (see 1 above, which would make that difficult).

3) The bracket was determined long before the Fark greenlights started happening, and long before anyone took a serious interest in the final outcome. So yes, we understand that the bracket could be better, but we can’t (apart from having substituted some players) very well change that now.

4) We don’t get paid for this. Apart from remuneration from ads, which I can assure you is fairly minimal, The Correctness is a labour of love, sucking up our time, energy, and cash (which mostly goes to pay for bandwidth used by people who call us morons). We’re thinking of instituting a pay-for-insult scheme, whereby the most acerbic of you can pay us a small fee to call us anything you wish. We’ll be rich!

5) Our opinions are just that. We claim to be comic book lovers, not experts. Tony reads the books he likes, I read the ones I like, Rob likes shiny objects.

6) There is no DC/Marvel bias that I know of. I grew up mostly Marvel, but in the last few years, Marvel has sucked a huge amount of ass, and I’ve found myself catching up on a lot of DC titles. Really Marvel? 47 Avengers titles? Ultimates? Civil War? Zombies? Apes? The only thing you’ve done that piques my interest lately is bring back Clairmont to write “X-Men Forever”, and even that’s been pretty bland. The Grant Morrison “Batman and Robin” alone, in it’s first 4 issues, is better than anything you guys did this decade.

7) It was Rob’s idea to add Kitty Pryde to the bracket, and as a laugh have her win the whole thing. This idea was quickly dismissed, apart from leaving her in the bracket.

8 ) We added the 2 days of preparation bit after hearing from readers that they wanted more setup. This happened at the beginning of the Quarterfinals. It gives the prep guys a bit of time to get ready, but not enough to build insane things and such. It’s a compromise that gives the thinkers a bit of a chance, but not enough to totally control things. It’s every bit as valid as a “chance meeting” setup.

whew… Okay ,so Spidey vs the Flash….

The only thing Spidey has going for him in this fight is his spidey sense. He gets a warning that someone or something is about to attack him. His amazing agility and speed allow him to react to this data very very quickly.

But The Flash can make about 35 of these attacks while Spidey is still dodging the first. The sad part about this is that it’s likely Barry Allen as the Flash, whom I find tedious at best. I’m not exactly sure why he’s being “Reborn”, as Wally West is about 346 times more interesting as a character. But Geoff Johns has his reasons, and most things he writes are really well done, so I’ll go with it for a while.

You’re probably asking yourself why i’m digressing with talk about rules and Barry Allen’s return, but rest assured it’s because this particular fight has been over since I typed the word “By”.

Winner: The Flash

Rob:

Well, this week, I have done some research. I pulled my Note-Tote binder of first series Marvel cards off the shelf, and I can give you some very current stats.

As of 1990, Spider-Man, who wears a black costume with a white spider on it,  stands 5′10″, weighs 165 pounds (seems a tad light to me) and has fought in 982 battles. He has had 620 wins, 328 losses, and 34 ties.  His black costume is totally innocuous and not at all an alien symbiote (check the timeline of this joke for bonus points).

These Marvel cards were released before series 2, in which Marvel made the fucktarded mistake of assigning a “power” and “strength” rating to all of their heroes and villains.  At least the DC universe had some ambiguity, and Marvel did too, at one point. Just how super strong was Spider-man? Could he beat the Hulk? Eventually, Marvel sucked all the fun out of it.

The Flash, obviously, is not in the Marvel universe, and is certainly not in one of my complete set of limited edition holograms.

Spider-Man got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, while the Flash got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, just like the Green Lantern.

Things I do not recall: I do not recall singing along to the Scarlet Speedster’s theme song. I do not recall seeing awesome Flash-based movies (except for a flawed hypothetical third film). I do not recall reading Flash comics. I do not recall owning Flash action figures. I do not recall desperately hoping a real-live girl would come over to my tree-fort, which I furnished with the finest garage sale back-issues of the Flash.

Standing by my previous comments, because the Flash can move crazy fast, faster perhaps than spider-sense, and he can, according to the intertubes, become incorporeal (just like my hero, Kitty Pryde),  and going entirely against every tender fibre of my childhood, my whole belief system, and my sense of faith in the Universe, I’m giving this one to the Flash.

Once again, The Flash just speeds up, drops a brick off inside of Spidey’s head whilst incorporeal, and it’s over. The classic brick-left-inside-yer-head gambit.

Winner: The Flash

Loser: My Childhood

Tony

SPIDEY: That’s a weird coincidence… I knew a guy named Flash once. He was kind of di-(Flash of scarlet) OW!!!

Well, that’s about all he’d get out. There have been several complaints about how DC universe keeps beating the pants off of Marvel universe characters, at least in our estimation. This boils down to the DC Universe being generally overpowered. Even the unpowered Batman is given such iconic status that writers find a way for him to beat even the most super powered foes (Guilty!) I love Marvel characters. There’s more Marvel on my office shelf than DC, by virtue of the fact that being somewhat more vulnerable makes for interesting characters. We aren’t debating quality here, we are working with what we know about the characters, and what I know about the Flash is, he will fuck you up before you have time to even spin a web of any size.

Allow me to justify myself a tad before you go throwing what we at the Correctness refer to as “The Green Lantern incident” at me. There were three things saving Spidey when he beat Green Lantern

1.We generally go with the classic silver age heroes we all grew up with, which meant the yellow issue was still very much in play. 2. Spider sense which allowed Spidey to react precious seconds before Hal, and most importantly 3. Hal’s enormous power came from something that could be taken off of him, and if anyone could find a way to do that, it was Spidey.

But he can’t stop the Flash from being the Flash. Sticky tar on the ground? He’d vibrate his way out of it.. Web trap? Spotted it, avoided it, speed read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” blogged about it being over rated, and still landed a rabbit punch on ol web head before he finished his first overlong thought balloon.

Here’s a question, Can Spider-man stay up and out of the way and wait for Flash to wear himself out? After all, Parker is super strong and if he does manage to land one, it could be good night Irene. (See what I did there?) Well I think with enough speed, Flash can run up walls. So no, even heights won’t help him. And God help Peter if he DOES manage to stick a web on Barry, because I can’t imagine being dragged at the speed of light is fun.

Sorry Spider-Man. The Flash has got you beat.

Winner: The Flash

P.S. Do your worst, commenters, by the time you read this, I will be in Paris, nibbling on baguettes, and occasionally my wife’s earlobe. Eat it, bitches!

Decision: The Flash

So The Flash moves on to the Semi-Finals, taking on The Batman, while the other side of the Bracket is yet to be decided. Tune in next week for Shadowcat vs Wolverine. The part where you tell us how wrong we are is below!

In case you haven’t read it already, and began weeping openly, crying “Nooooooooo!!!” to the heavens ala Darth Vader in Episode 3, Disney bought Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. We here at the Correctness think there will be some changes on the horizon…and here, for no reason at all, are ten of them

10. She Hulk: The Movie starring Miley Cyrus

9.Namor will beat the living snot out of the Sea Witch in an upcoming direct to DVD Little Mermaid sequel

8.Spider-man will continue the emo/dance number direction he went in the third film, and he will merge with the High School Musical franchise.

7. Stan Lee will laugh at all of us on his private island. Satellite photos will show him drinking a Mai Tai and giving us the finger.

6.Adorable Baby Avenger Dolls will be added to the “It’s a Small World” ride. there will also be lyric changes
“It’s a world of “Hulk Smash”, a world of “Thwipp”, it’s a World of “Bamf”, it’s a World of “Snikt”

5. Donald Duck will be revealed to be a Skrull.

4. Mickey will be added to the Correctness Superhero Smackdown Bracket

3. One of our beloved characters will be turned into a gaudy , tourist friendly Broadway musical, with the music written by some self important pop star that…oh wait…that’s kind of already happening.

2. Wolverine will go back to Weapon X for de-clawing. And neutering

1. Tony Stark, depressed at the recent buyout, will go to a bar to get drunk. There, he’ll find Kermit slouched over his beer. He unsteadily looks up at Tony with bloodshot ping pong ball eyes and croaks…”You too huh?”

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome

Green Lantern vs. Spider-Man

Rob: Well, I’m going to weigh in here ignorant. I never read the Green Lantern, and I used to be a total Marvel guy- except that I didn’t realy “get” the X-men, so, when I say “Marvel Guy” I mean “Spider-Man”. Spidey has a lot going for him. His spider sense warns him of imminent danger, and he can stick to stuff. Lest we forget, that he can swing from webs, any size, and he catches theives, just like flies. In fact, in the chill of night, at the scene of the crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time.  How many times have you said to yourself- “Man, that streak of light arrived just in time, fast things are very much like streaks of light, for all fast things are timely.”? Lots of times, probably.

Second of all, willpower isn’t much of a power. I mean, Hal Jordan, Susan Powter, you guys tell me the difference. One can make green hammers with his ring, and the other is a motivational fitness expert from the early nineties. Same same.

Maybe I’m being unfair on the Green Lantern because I don’t get how anyone who gets bitten by a radioactive lantern could become a superhero. I mean, that has to be the shittiest origin story ever told, and I remind you that I wrote and created the “Human Man” show, so, I know a thing or two about shitty origin stories. Nonetheless, if I had to be bitten by something radioactive, it would be a spider, or a fuckin’ shark, but not a green lantern, that’s totally retarded.

While I’m on the subject, i would love to be bitten by a radioactive shark, that would be the fucking coolest. It’s a fucking shark, people, a radioactive underwater death merchant with no fear. It’s like Daredevil, only good, and not stupid and totally hopeless in a fight against The Flash. Then, as Shark man, I would wreak havoc on the denizens of port cities, and I would eat the fuck out of Aquaman. Oh, and I don’t want Alan Moore anywhere near the writing, I want to be a purposeless killing machine, not a nuanced child abuse victim.

Anyways, Spidey takes this fight, no sweat.

Dave: Well, Rob should clearly be reading more comics, as he hasn’t discovered that Marvel has been terrible for about a decade now. But, I digress.

On the surface, this would seem to be an unfair match, with Green Lantern wielding the power of the central battery on OA. Hal Jordan was able to overcome death, as well as being the spirit of vengeance, and return to our world. He can create anything his mind can conceive, though apparently his mind only thinks of stuff that is green.

On the Con side: In All Star Batman and Robin, Hal Jordan was almost killed by a combination of a can of paint and a 12 year old. Also, Green Lantern depends on a rechargeable ring for his power, and as anyone who owns anything that needs charging will testify, they have a habit of crapping out on you when you need them both.

Spider-Man has many things going for him in this fight. He has Spidey-Sense, which warns him of impending danger, and allows him to react, and escape from danger. Add to this the whole strength and agility part, and he’s pretty freaking deadly. He tends to hold back in combat, and is capable of going toe-to-toe with the Hulk. With his quick wits and ability to adapt and outlast his opponents, he could easily keep Green Lantern occupied long enough to exhaust his power ring, while cracking wise the entire time.

So, while this fight is much closer than last weeks battle, I would give this fight to the Spectacular Spider-Man.

Tony: It comes down to the following questions:

1. Is Spidey smart enough to go get himself  a yellow suit?

2.Is he capable of getting the ring off of Hal?

3. Did Spider-man 3 suck ass, or what?

The answer to all three questions is yes. But this is no walk over. The Green Lanterns most devastating attack  has always been the power of green vagueness.  Which, for comic book writers, means he’s capable of just about anything, up to and including hitting on Superman at the JLA Christmas party. However, whatever Hal throws at him, Spidey knows it’s coming before it happens and gets out of the way. Eventually Spidey will realize , through a series of thought balloons that go on for far too long, that he needs to separate man from ring,and after some difficulty will probably manage to do so.

SPIDEY: Got to get that ring off of him….

GL: Keep still, you little fuck!

(One complicated plan involving the color yellow, some webbing and a distraction later)

GL: Gimme my ring back!!!

SPIDEY: Not until you teach me to harness it’s power to erase Spider-Man 3 from existence

GL: Fair enough

Definitely a win in the Spidey column

The winner, once again by unanimous decision…Spider-Man!

That’s one for DC, one for Marvel for those keeping count. We are adjusting our brackets slightly, but there should be some swell visuals to follow this  some tome today. In the meantime feel free to disagree, in a cordial fashion below. Or just ready your arguments for next week, as the Man of Iron faces the Man of Steel! Supes takes on Iron Man right here next week, so stay tuned.