This past weekend, the stars aligned properly, Zod was in retrograde, and The Correctness gathered together for that time honoured tradition: The Superhero Movie.

We were all able to get tickets to the same showing of Iron Man 2 in IMAX, and made the appropriate amount of noise at the appropriate, and inappropriate times. We cheered and were impressed with the trailer for Inception, and we sighed and wept for the future during the trailer for Shrek 56.

Tbinns suggested at the end of the film that we all review the film Smackdown style. And so, we did… Enjoy! (Also, weigh in on the poll at your right!)

admin_rock

First, the disclosure: I was never much of an Iron Man fan. I didn’t read his comic book, and when I did come across him in other books, he always seem boring. Civil War and X-Men Forever both paint him in a bad light, and it’s difficult to have any affinity for the character.

Having said that, I went to the original Iron Man film, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was well made, kept things moving, and was very enjoyable. I had suspicions that it wouldn’t be one of the all time greats, and I don’t think it has much rewatchability.

After seeing Iron Man 2, it all became very clear for me. This franchise lives and dies with Robert Downey Jr. I have a hunch that you could change every other aspect of the films (not to slight Jon Favreau, who did a great job), as long as you keep Downey, you’re fine.

I say this because it occurred to me while I watched that I love the hell out of Downey’s Stark (if only the comics would capture that bravado…), but I don’t really like Iron Man.

As a hero, he’s pretty dull. The mask doesn’t help, as we lose a lot of his humanity, and the fact that all his villains so far have been other guys in metal suits, and that the “new suits” are all just slightly different versions of the same suit, same colours etc. There’s also the part where we watch metal hit metal again and again, with no impact on the human inside. Yawn.

Mickey Rourke is in this movie, apparently he’s a genius physicist who has the hair of a wrestler, the tattoos of a douchebag, and the teeth of Flava Flav. He lives with his dad in a fleabag apartment in Russia, and when his dad dies, leaving behind some blueprints, he’s able to fashion a powerful whip-like device using the power supply thingie that Stark also uses. So, if I understand this, while rent, and haircuts are apparently an issue, finding and getting expensive electrical parts, power supplies, and such are easy as pie. Okay.

And what the hell was all that crap about the bird? Do we care? Did I miss something? I was certain he was using the term in the English sense, that he was demanding the return of Scarlett Johanssen.

My other issue was with the insane amount of broken glass in this movie. Whenever possible, glass in this movie will shatter, showering everyone in sight. But no one gets cut. Ever. There’s a scene where drunken girls are throwing bottles in the air, Iron Man is blasting the bottles, which shatter everywhere, and no one is even ducking or covering themselves. Later in the movie, the exhibition is interrupted by a battle, and glass falls about 1 or 2 stories on to the crowd, who are completely unaffected.

Performance-wise, Downey is awesome in this role. He’s a delight to watch, the ultimate rich guy with swagger. Sam Rockwell was great as well, the kind of role most actors would kill for! Don Cheadle and Gwyneth Paltrow are fine, and do their jobs effectively. Scarlett Johanssen is great eye candy, and her fight sequences are fantastic (great choice to keep them short and sweet).

On the whole, I’d say this is a great film, I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s not the king of superhero films (still Dark Knight Returns in my book), but it’s an enjoyable ride. I’d give it an 8 out of 10.

Tbinns

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Dave. Are you suggesting that The Dark Knight has LESS broken glass than Iron Man 2? Perhaps if you count by volume ie: 1 giant glass dome versus 50 individual and separate glass windows.

The Dark Knight is NOTHING BUT broken glass. Just off the top of my head there was broken glass in: The bank heist, the recapture of Scarecrow, Rachel getting dropped out the window…a TON of broken glass when the Bat cycle took a tour through that building, the capturing of Lau, and the swat break in at the end. That’s not even counting the hospital and warehouse explosions.

I’m not saying it wasn’t awesome…I’m just saying people in broken glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so to speak.

(admin_rock: I was more speaking to the showering of innocents with glass while they gleefully ignore it, but I could have been more clear. AND, I’m not basing my “king of superhero movies” solely on glass count, mister “I read your review before writing my own!”)

Could someone with even less of a life than us do a comparative study/youtube video and settle this one for us please?

(RobbieRobTown: I did, but got bored)

But onto the subject at hand…

I enjoyed the hell out of Iron Man 2. The lone Black Widow fight scene was awesome…Scar Jo did not embarrass herself at all by trying an accent, which I think was a good choice. (How good of a spy would she be if she sounded deeply Russian?)Mickey Rourke chose a more laid back form of scenery chewing, which made him more bad ass. (I agree the bird went nowhere, apart from the payoff sight gag after he took out those Hammer cronies.) And dialogue wise, everyone was talking at the same time as everyone else, with that kind of 70’s era overlap, which I still think is kinda nifty. The action was well done, although it could have used a little more. It was funny. The Avengers set up was exciting. Sam Rockwell was great. And of course Robert Downey jr. fucking OWNS Tony Stark.

It was a good time, and judging by the upcoming release slate, I don’t see too many more of those coming this summer. I’m not certain where all of this mixed reaction and dislike is coming from. I think we might be spoiled. I hate to pull the old man “When I was a kid” routine, but I remember a time when we would DREAM of superhero movies like this, when all we were getting is a Golan Globus Punisher that didn’t even HAVE the skull symbol on the outfit. And it starred Dolph Lundgren. Dolph. Lundgren.And a straight to video Captain America, which owing to the fact that it starred J.D. Salinger’s son, I have nicknamed “Catcher in the Wal-Mart Bargain Bin”

This is what we were talking about on the monkey bars at recess people, lighten up and enjoy it. And if Scarlett Johannsen (and Gwyneth Paltrow, if that’s your taste) in a tight black dress sashaying slowly up a set of stairs isn’t worth your 15 bucks I don’t know what is.

RobbieRobTown:

I didn’t exactly see the first Iron Man film under the best circumstances. In fact, let me just say that due to an unfathomably shitty series of events, and a transpacific flight, that particular Monday, the single worst day of my life, lasted 35 hours. Anyhow, that was the day I saw Iron Man, and because my subconscious could not allow my fragile conscious mind to experience any more depression, I think I enjoyed it. Actually, I just felt numb, and suicidal, so that was a really refreshing change from the soul shattering nightmare the rest of that day was.

So, my expectations for Iron Man 2 were low, to say the very least. Well, good news, everyone! My expectations were totally exceeded! This movie was better than the lowest point you have ever experienced. Iron Man 2 was better than a totally genuine existential meltdown. Iron man 2 is better than questioning your entire understanding of reality! Iron Man 2 is better than the last in a long line of unfathomably thorough betrayals! Iron Man 2 is better than confronting the purposelessness of your own existence. And Scarlett Johansson is in it, and she is so very pretty. By the way, I just did a quick spelling check on Scarlett Johansson’s name in google, and auto complete suggested the following 2 things in order:

1. First Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson”

2. Next Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson’s Breast size”.

Really? Really guys? Google, really? Does it matter? Did you enjoy seeing them in the film? Did you need reassurance for a sweater you are knitting for her? Can that possible be the second most popular search regarding Scarlett Johansson in the entire world? Wow guys.

The boys have already covered the key points on this film. I thought the dialouge was cute, and punchy, and an A-List nerd fantasy girl kicks some ass- Though, spoiler alert, she kicks ass for basically no narrative reason. She still kicks ass, but it just isn’t important to the story at all- AT ALL.

A word of warning for you die-hards waiting for the end credits reveal- another spoiler alert here- the long wait through the credits is not exactly paid off  by the awkwardly framed shot of Thor’s Hammer. Food for thought, though it is very respectful of you to sit through all the credits like that.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





(Ed’s note: there is a lot of clarification in our article this week, due to high volumes of being called cum-eaters”)

Spider-Man versus The Flash

Dave

By this point in the smackdown, (this is the 10th week, if you’re keeping track), I’ve basically resigned myself to being called any number of things, regardless of whom I choose.

I thought I’d take a minute or two to clear up some misconceptions that many of you seem to have regarding the Smackdowns…

1) There is no pre-determined winner. Each of us write our piece separately, and then we post them together. One of us adds in the header and footer and some pictures, and declares the winner based on the majority. In fact, we don’t always agree on the winner.

2) We haven’t decided the ultimate winner of the bracket in advance (see 1 above, which would make that difficult).

3) The bracket was determined long before the Fark greenlights started happening, and long before anyone took a serious interest in the final outcome. So yes, we understand that the bracket could be better, but we can’t (apart from having substituted some players) very well change that now.

4) We don’t get paid for this. Apart from remuneration from ads, which I can assure you is fairly minimal, The Correctness is a labour of love, sucking up our time, energy, and cash (which mostly goes to pay for bandwidth used by people who call us morons). We’re thinking of instituting a pay-for-insult scheme, whereby the most acerbic of you can pay us a small fee to call us anything you wish. We’ll be rich!

5) Our opinions are just that. We claim to be comic book lovers, not experts. Tony reads the books he likes, I read the ones I like, Rob likes shiny objects.

6) There is no DC/Marvel bias that I know of. I grew up mostly Marvel, but in the last few years, Marvel has sucked a huge amount of ass, and I’ve found myself catching up on a lot of DC titles. Really Marvel? 47 Avengers titles? Ultimates? Civil War? Zombies? Apes? The only thing you’ve done that piques my interest lately is bring back Clairmont to write “X-Men Forever”, and even that’s been pretty bland. The Grant Morrison “Batman and Robin” alone, in it’s first 4 issues, is better than anything you guys did this decade.

7) It was Rob’s idea to add Kitty Pryde to the bracket, and as a laugh have her win the whole thing. This idea was quickly dismissed, apart from leaving her in the bracket.

8 ) We added the 2 days of preparation bit after hearing from readers that they wanted more setup. This happened at the beginning of the Quarterfinals. It gives the prep guys a bit of time to get ready, but not enough to build insane things and such. It’s a compromise that gives the thinkers a bit of a chance, but not enough to totally control things. It’s every bit as valid as a “chance meeting” setup.

whew… Okay ,so Spidey vs the Flash….

The only thing Spidey has going for him in this fight is his spidey sense. He gets a warning that someone or something is about to attack him. His amazing agility and speed allow him to react to this data very very quickly.

But The Flash can make about 35 of these attacks while Spidey is still dodging the first. The sad part about this is that it’s likely Barry Allen as the Flash, whom I find tedious at best. I’m not exactly sure why he’s being “Reborn”, as Wally West is about 346 times more interesting as a character. But Geoff Johns has his reasons, and most things he writes are really well done, so I’ll go with it for a while.

You’re probably asking yourself why i’m digressing with talk about rules and Barry Allen’s return, but rest assured it’s because this particular fight has been over since I typed the word “By”.

Winner: The Flash

Rob:

Well, this week, I have done some research. I pulled my Note-Tote binder of first series Marvel cards off the shelf, and I can give you some very current stats.

As of 1990, Spider-Man, who wears a black costume with a white spider on it,  stands 5′10″, weighs 165 pounds (seems a tad light to me) and has fought in 982 battles. He has had 620 wins, 328 losses, and 34 ties.  His black costume is totally innocuous and not at all an alien symbiote (check the timeline of this joke for bonus points).

These Marvel cards were released before series 2, in which Marvel made the fucktarded mistake of assigning a “power” and “strength” rating to all of their heroes and villains.  At least the DC universe had some ambiguity, and Marvel did too, at one point. Just how super strong was Spider-man? Could he beat the Hulk? Eventually, Marvel sucked all the fun out of it.

The Flash, obviously, is not in the Marvel universe, and is certainly not in one of my complete set of limited edition holograms.

Spider-Man got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, while the Flash got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, just like the Green Lantern.

Things I do not recall: I do not recall singing along to the Scarlet Speedster’s theme song. I do not recall seeing awesome Flash-based movies (except for a flawed hypothetical third film). I do not recall reading Flash comics. I do not recall owning Flash action figures. I do not recall desperately hoping a real-live girl would come over to my tree-fort, which I furnished with the finest garage sale back-issues of the Flash.

Standing by my previous comments, because the Flash can move crazy fast, faster perhaps than spider-sense, and he can, according to the intertubes, become incorporeal (just like my hero, Kitty Pryde),  and going entirely against every tender fibre of my childhood, my whole belief system, and my sense of faith in the Universe, I’m giving this one to the Flash.

Once again, The Flash just speeds up, drops a brick off inside of Spidey’s head whilst incorporeal, and it’s over. The classic brick-left-inside-yer-head gambit.

Winner: The Flash

Loser: My Childhood

Tony

SPIDEY: That’s a weird coincidence… I knew a guy named Flash once. He was kind of di-(Flash of scarlet) OW!!!

Well, that’s about all he’d get out. There have been several complaints about how DC universe keeps beating the pants off of Marvel universe characters, at least in our estimation. This boils down to the DC Universe being generally overpowered. Even the unpowered Batman is given such iconic status that writers find a way for him to beat even the most super powered foes (Guilty!) I love Marvel characters. There’s more Marvel on my office shelf than DC, by virtue of the fact that being somewhat more vulnerable makes for interesting characters. We aren’t debating quality here, we are working with what we know about the characters, and what I know about the Flash is, he will fuck you up before you have time to even spin a web of any size.

Allow me to justify myself a tad before you go throwing what we at the Correctness refer to as “The Green Lantern incident” at me. There were three things saving Spidey when he beat Green Lantern

1.We generally go with the classic silver age heroes we all grew up with, which meant the yellow issue was still very much in play. 2. Spider sense which allowed Spidey to react precious seconds before Hal, and most importantly 3. Hal’s enormous power came from something that could be taken off of him, and if anyone could find a way to do that, it was Spidey.

But he can’t stop the Flash from being the Flash. Sticky tar on the ground? He’d vibrate his way out of it.. Web trap? Spotted it, avoided it, speed read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” blogged about it being over rated, and still landed a rabbit punch on ol web head before he finished his first overlong thought balloon.

Here’s a question, Can Spider-man stay up and out of the way and wait for Flash to wear himself out? After all, Parker is super strong and if he does manage to land one, it could be good night Irene. (See what I did there?) Well I think with enough speed, Flash can run up walls. So no, even heights won’t help him. And God help Peter if he DOES manage to stick a web on Barry, because I can’t imagine being dragged at the speed of light is fun.

Sorry Spider-Man. The Flash has got you beat.

Winner: The Flash

P.S. Do your worst, commenters, by the time you read this, I will be in Paris, nibbling on baguettes, and occasionally my wife’s earlobe. Eat it, bitches!

Decision: The Flash

So The Flash moves on to the Semi-Finals, taking on The Batman, while the other side of the Bracket is yet to be decided. Tune in next week for Shadowcat vs Wolverine. The part where you tell us how wrong we are is below!

Here it is folks, the Brackets with a little preview of what’s coming up. Here’s who’s on deck in the coming weeks.

1. Daredevil vs. Flash WINNER: The Flash
2. Spiderman vs. Green LanternWINNER: Spider-Man
3. Iron Man vs. Superman
4. Batman vs. Rorschach
5. Hulk vs. Hellboy
6. Wolverine vs. Aquaman
7. Kitty Pryde vs. Robin(One of us has an Ellen Page Fetish and was rather insistent. I’m not pointing any fingers, I would just like Robbie Rob Town to rent “Hard Candy” as a cautionary tale)
8. Captain America vs. Wonder Woman

Place your bets, pick a favorite, and get ready to whine in the comments section…The Superhero Smakdown of ‘09 has begun