ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, Indiana Jones vs. Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley vs. RobbieRobTown’s insane ramblings that you will no doubt hate more than usual.

Admin_Rock

A decent match-up. We have Indy’s luck and determination against Ripley’s luck and ability to hold children as she fights. Indy is an interesting study, he has many facets of an action hero, and yet, because he preceded most of the “Action Movie” phase of Hollywood, he’s not superhuman and awesome at everything he does. Ripley is a working stiff from a spaceship who get victimized a lot, and is able to keep her head when things get all “AAAAAAH acid blood and thousands of them and we’re all gonna die!”-ey.

The Horn goes, and both combatants run for the weapons platform. It’s not pretty to watch, as neither are what you’d called finely honed athletes. They get there roughly at the same time, and because nothing ever goes right the first time for Indy, Ripley gets to her big space gun first. Indy is able to grasp the edge of the platform, and reaches for his revolver. Can’t do it, and the bullets start flying. He settles for the whip, and falls to the ground, wincing as he lands on his back. Ripley moves to the edge of the platform, and Indy backs up to avoid being shot. Ripley aims the gun from above the platform, leaving it exposed. Suddenly, the weapon is ripped from her grasp as the whip coils around it, and Indy yanks it away. the momentum sends Ripley off the platform, and she separates her shoulder on the awkward landing. Indy starts walking toward her, but she reveals, in her good hand, the revolver. Indy backs up, she shoots. There is a hole in a fedora, which pisses Indy off to no end. No longer holding back, he pulls the Big Gun up, and finishes thing off.

Winner: Indiana Jones.

Cub Reporter Keith

This time they’ve sorted out Ripley’s special weapon in advance and it’s that big gun thing from Aliens as seen here. Newt doesn’t count as a special weapon and Ripley can’t ask any space marines to help her.

Seriously, where did some folks get the idea this was “Action Hero and-everyone-they-ever-met Smackdown”? No, Kirk can’t get the entire Federation to back him up. And the space marines would kick their asses anyway.

I want all action movies to just be pluralized for the sequel. Or a grammar change. Aliens, Die Harder. This can work. The first of Depp’s franchise should have been Pirate of the Caribbean, they left that nowhere to go. Pirates of the Caribbeans? Pirates 2: Pirate Harder? Rocky 2: Rockier?

Moving right along at an embarrassingly slow pace …Indy’s special weapon is his whip. And I’ve just lost the nerd fetish crowd to mental images of Sigourney Weaver and whips.

Ripley faces off against Dr Henry “Indiana” Jones II (even his name is already a sequel!). Indiana’s hat is sitting on the ground and a breeze blows dust across it. We pan up to see him put it on his head, then staple it in place to make sure it doesn’t fall off during the fight.

The two opponents run straight for the weapons, neither a very strong hand-to-hand combatant. Sure, Indy can take a punch. Remember when he fought that Nazi mechanic in Raiders? He got the crap kicked out of him but still won.

Indy grabs his whip. Ripley stares him in the eyes and grabs the whatever-rifle and starts firing. Indy jumps to the ground, narrowly dodging the in-coming rounds. He rolls and his hat doesn’t fall off. Thanks, stapler! Ripley peers over the edge of the pedestal and Indy snaps his whip, taking her right eye out. Screaming in agony as blood pours down from the destroyed eye socket, she drops the rifle. Never one to miss an opening, Indy scrambles for the rifle.

Ripley jumps from the pedestal but Indy is too fast. He unloads the entire 278 rounds into Ripley’s falling form. The remains of her body land with a wet thump.

A door opens to his right and Indy rolls sideways and pulls the trigger. His gun is empty (I just said that a paragraph ago, pay attention). Two men in suits enter and pick up Ripley’s corpse. Indiana notices something startling.

“What the hell? This woman has no belly button. She’s a clone!” he exclaims. “This body belongs in a genetics laboratory”

“We’ll have our top men work on it, Dr Jones.”

“Who?”

“TOP men…”

Winner: Indiana Jones

Loser: anyone who was offended by the violence of this week’s entry.

Cub Reporter Keith is on Twitter as CubReporterK

RobbieRobTown

Sorry for the hold up gang, yesterday was Remembrance Day in Canada, and that means I was shaving my balls by candlelight most of the day. You know, to honour my freedom to do so. Nazis, and what a bunch of jerks they are will feature in this smackdown. Or not, maybe. We can all agree we dislike nazis.

This week’s smackdown is a battle of my childhood versus my adulthood. Indie and I met when he arrived at my house on Beta. Yeah, beta. BETA. It was pretty sweet. Indie is seen through the nostalgic haze of youth for me. Yeah, the movie is in pretty sharp focus, but after 10 or 15 viewings on Beta format tape, it started to look pretty soft focus- VHS after 2 viewings, in my humble opinion. Anyway, Indiana Jones has everything about a fondly remembered past going for it. I was young enough not to understand that Indiana Jones was a serial style adventure story. I didn’t recognize any of the conventions of serial stories, as far as I was concerned, this was all new and exciting.

I finally saw “Alien” about 10 years after getting out of film school – Oh, and the reason you guys can no longer argue with my opinion about film is that I have a film school diploma. I keep it in my closet, and bring it out whenever someone doesn’t agree with my assessment of a film. I typically use the “You are wrong about this movie, here is my diploma” gambit when I am ready to be broken up with.

From the cold, stark, crusty-boxered view of adulthood, Alien was one of the best “cabin in the woods”  films ever made. For our more retarded fans, I don’t mean that literally (shows you his diploma), but it is an impeccably crafted B-Monster film set in the ultimate isolated location.

In fact, we have two B film stars fighting this week.

Both Indy and Ripley are great at confronting their fears. Indy can cope with a tomb full of snakes, and Ripley can cope with a nest full of acid-blooded drooling space snakes. Psychologically, there is no point in comparing phobias. But we are not psychologists (shows you his diploma), and there is simple math here:

Bravery = overcoming adversity divided by severity of threat. That’s science. B=OA/SOT.

I love Indy, but the scariest thing in the universe is ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Indy all deals with a lot of Nazis. Nazis are pretty scary too. They are the scariest bad guys in a lot of films, and it sure seems like they could shoot acid and probably have flying hand-vaginas, but they don’t. Are they more psychologically disturbing because of their inhumanity? IN some stories, yes, but in the INdiana Jones stories, they are mostly kind of stupid. Ironic that Spielberg directed Schindler’s List, in which the Nazis are intensely terrifying. Just not in the Indy films.

I have decided that this is a challenge about bravery, and Ripley is scientifically more brave.

You: RobbieRobTown, this is an aesthetic thing about characters.

Me: (Shows you diploma)

You: Robbie, seriously, That diploma doesn’t make you correct. About anything.

Me: (Shakes the diploma a bit)

You: Stop it.

Me: (Shakes diploma) Film. School. GRaduate.

You: AUUUUGHH! (killing me)

Me: (dying slowly enough to look you in the eyes one last time, and shake my diploma)

Winner: Ripley, who defeated the ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Loser: Beta.

So Indiana Jones moves on to the Quarter Final, and we move on to the next round. Discussion, hatred, compliments below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, late of the Nostromo, vs. Captain Malcom Reynolds of the Firefly class spaceship Serenity. Ms. “Get away from her, you bitch” vs. Mr. “If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you”. Let’s get it on like the Yuuzhan Vong.

Admin_Rock

Our first true “tough one” of the bracket. Ripley is no slouch, having taken on countless Aliens. She’s used to mixing it up, and coming out on top, regardless of the odds. On the other hand, Mal is a scrapper. He never really gets ahead, but he always wins. He’s also underestimated by almost everyone. He presents a charming face, and an ‘aw shucks’ attitude, but make no mistake, he’ll kill you in a heartbeat. And I don’t even want to hear any of that “Mal is too much of a gentleman to harm a lady.” Bullshit. If his life is on the line, he won’t hesitate.

The horn goes, and Mal and Ripley both make their way for the gun pole. Mal gets to his gun first, and begins shooting. He’s close to the mark, but just misses. Ripley gets her gun/flamethrower dealie, but also a shot in the leg for her trouble. Thus begins the longest battle in arena history. Mal chases, Ripley stays a step ahead, with her injured leg slowing her down. Finally, Mal comes around the the post, Ripley fires off a desperation burst, catching Mal with the flamethrower. His hair is singed, and he’s pissed.

“Lady, I’m getting awful tired of this. Let’s settle it”. Ripley steps out from behind the post, limping as she does so. Mal says “On the count of three..”. Both of them, knowing better fire immediately. The flamethrower mangles Mal’s face some more, possibly destroying his good looks permanently, and he catches a round in his shoulder. Ripley takes two to the chest, and collapses. Mal falls to the ground, and passes out. Ripley falls as well. She doesn’t get back up.

Winner: Mal, by the slimmest of margins.

Tbinns

This one poses more questions than there are good answers for. Questions like: How are they going to get a giant mech style loading machine on a tiny platform? Would the otherwise gallant Captain Mal dig deep and kill an essentially innocent woman? More importantly, would he be wearing a pretty floral bonnet when he did so?

In times of uncertainty, we must always turn to the comforting rigidity of mathematics…

A Mathematician

I think it’s fair to say that Ripley defeating not just AN Alien…but several ALIENS and then their giant Queen translates to…

Ripley >Aliens.

So we must then postulate, having never had one aboard Serenity whether or not Captain Mal would in fact vanquish an Alien…or several… or their Queen. I seem to recall in the last episode, Mal and his whole crew almost got completely wiped out by one guy. Since we postulate that a number of Aliens could beat one guy we have to assume

Mal < Aliens

So mathematically

Ripley >Aliens, and Aliens> Mal therefore Ripley >Mal.

Hooray for Math!

Hooray indeed.

But wait! Is this specious logic at work?

A Logic Expert

After all Mal< Aliens might be an erroneous supposition, based on the fact that Mal has fought and defeated Reavers, who are in there own rapey cannibally way almost as fearsome as aliens. No acid for blood, but on the whole pretty terrifying. But unless we actually saw a Serenity Crew vs. Alien Mash up, we’d have no way of knowing. All we know is that they would have our money and our asses would be in the seats opening day.

a chest worth bursting?

So in the face of the failures of Math and Logical Philosophy…let us turn to out old stand by Science!

a reputable television scientist

FACT OF SCIENCE: Ripley’s finishing move is pressing a button and watching her adversary get sucked out of an airlock. She’s a master of the art of Vogon-Fu. Thing is…there aren’t any airlocks in the arena, folks. The scientific method would demand rigorous testing, but most reputable scientists would be likely to theorize a Mal Wins Scenario.

All of which leads to one undeniable conclusion.

I’m Tbinnsing the shit out of this article because I haven’t got the first clue who would win . I’m about 20 seconds away from a coin toss here.

Wait a minute… Joss Whedon actually CREATED Mal and wrote an Alien movie! Let’s just ask him!

JOSS: I never wrote an Alien film

TONY: Yes, yes you did.

JOSS: No I didn’t, I’m very busy directing the Avengers go away…

TONY: Dude, we know you wrote Alien Resurrection…

JOSS: LA LA LA LA LA I DID NOT WRITE THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED LA LA LA LA!!!!!

Well, clearly Joss is not going to help me.

So let’s assume that Ripley’s weapon is that bad ass pulse rifle with the blow torch/grenade launcher attachment, and Mal’s trusty sidearm is there as well.

Buzzer sounds, Mal swears in Chinese, as the smart and determined Ripley bolts for the weapons…It’s neck and neck up to the platform…Mal’s hand grabs for the pisto…REAVERS!!!!!

REAVERS!!!!! OH GOD RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! REAVERS…

Ughhh alright FINE I’ll make a decision.

Hmmmmmmm. Uhhh.

Crap.

Ummm Mal wins. Because…uhhh…Oh okay how about this…Mal wins because he is a soldier trained in hand to hand, and Ripley a determined survivor…which cancels that out.

DAMMIT!!!

Okay…here it is. The Winner is Ripley. Because Joss Whedon kills off beloved characters, and Ripley keeps coming back, even after death. And Because Mal would die rather than kill an innocent woman.

Yes. Mal dies rather than break principal and Ripley survives. That feels right.

There.  Ripley. I said it, I stand by it.

I think.

WINNER: Ripley

LOSER: Guys who can’t make a decision

Cub Reporter Keith

Ripley knows the stakes. She has been down this road before. Some faceless inter-planetary corp with its own agenda has put her in harm’s way again. She looks across the arena to see Malcom Reynolds, captain of the Serenity, smiling back at her.

“I’ll just charm the little lady into giving up,” Mal thinks, “no need for her to get her pretty head blowed off.”

“What an @$$hole,” Ripley says under her breath.

Up on the pedestal are Mal’s signature sidearm and Ripley’s most iconic weapon, the 15-foot tall zero-gee landing bay mech.

“What the hell am I going to do with that even if I got to it?” Ripley asks no one in particular.

Thankfully for the Cub Reporter, Ripley doesn’t know she is being controlled by an omnipotent writer creating all of this from his memory of the Alien film fest he had about 5 years back. She would kick his Cubby butt.

“You won’t need it. You just have to strike hard and fast.” She looks down to see that Bishop’s head is sitting near her. There is no more explanation for this than there is any other time Bishop suddenly shows up to give her expository information.

Ripley stalks toward Mal, grabbing the closest loose rock, ever the improviser.

“Let’s us work out some peaceable solution to this here conundrum, what say?” Mal says in a nearly incomprehensible mish-mash of dialogue styles.

“I don’t even care who sent you, Reynolds. I’m tried of being used.”

Ripley is only a few feet away and towers over Reynolds, mostly because your narrator thinks she is taller than she really is. She’s really 2 inches shorter than Mal, but that isn’t the picture in my head. If you don’t like it, just pretend I said they were eye to eye or something.

Ripley winds back with her small rock that doesn’t count as a weapon. Mal smiles, knowing what comes next.

But it doesn’t come. Because in every single episode of Firefly when Mal gets into a spot like this Zoe comes along and saves him. Or the Serenity comes blasting up from behind a cliff to surprise everyone. Or Wash makes a distracting quip. Or River kills a whole bunch of people with her brain.

None of that happens. Mal is alone. Which is why he gets his head bashed in by Ripley who is way cooler.

Winner: Ripley

Loser: Cub Reporter Keith who now has to explain why he visits a site from work that has this much TBinns’ing

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

DECISION: Ripley

So Ripley moves on to battle Indiana Jones in the next round. Tune in next week for Sarah Connor vs John McClane. Have something to say? Probably. Do so below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Still reeling from the clusterf#$k that was last week’s smackdown, we attempt to move forward. James Bond British Superspy takes on Ash Williams of the “Evil Dead” films.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Admin_Rock here. So just a brief introduction before we get down to it. Last week’s smackdown was loaded with controversy, as we have differing results based on time of day. There was a versioning issue, apparently Benji put a draft up, rather than the finished version, and RRT is on the warpath. Watch your back, intern.

Tbinns begged us to use the Daniel Craig Bond, which is, with all due respect to Tbinns, just stupid. Clearly it should be Connery. I can understand not wanting to use Roger Moore, as the later Moore films were in the “silly” era. But really, Craig has been in a whole 2 films. The first was pretty good, the second almost incomprehensible. Not good enough.

Anyhow, just a word on the weapon situation. As per the rules, the weapons are stored on a platform 10 feet above the arena floor. The contestants start an equal distance from the platform, on opposing sides. Since it’s Craig’s Bond, less gadgets. We’ll give him a watch with a garrotte wire in it, and a Walther P99 (which, according to The Internet Movie Firearms Database (which is a real thing) is the main weapon used by Bond in Casino Royale). Ash gets his Boomstick (12 gauge double barrelled shotgun), and a chainsaw that will mystically attach itself in place of his right hand (or Bond’s for that matter) should he reach it first.

Anyways, enough of me… Let’s get it on, like the Viet Cong.

Tbinns

Listen up you primitive screwheads…

I pushed for Daniel Craig for a number of reasons. He’s the contemporary Bond, he is, in my opinion, our second greatest Bond ever, but most of all because he hasn’t done that much killing. Throw Connery into the mix and you’ve got a killer with YEARS of experience going through the competition like butter, then fucking their significant others… Put Craig in there and you have a Bond who is a little rougher around the edges…he’s damned good but he hasn’t quite found his rhythm yet. It evens the playing field and makes for a more interesting fight.

And then there is Ash. Ash has many pros and cons. Con: He is clearly an idiot. Pro: That means people underestimate him which allows him to bumble his way to victory. Con: He almost lost a fight with his own hand. Pro: It takes some balls and no small amount of skill to cut ones own hand off. And he LAUGHED WHILE HE DID IT! I’m not too sure I’d want to fuck with that guy. Con: Bond is a much better shot. Pro: That Chainsaw seems to come from miles around and magically slip on his stump like it was fucking Excalibur.

Sure, Ash could just raise his stump when the buzzer goes, watch the Chainsaw tumble through the air and land perfectly on his stump… but by that time Bond has the walther and he puts one perfectly between the eyes. No Ashley J. Williams’ Momma didn’t raise no dummies, and he didn’t survive an onslaught of Deadites twice and then once more in medieval times to be taken out by no tea and crumpet eating English fancy boy. Ash has a plan.

Bond is tense, coiled, ready to spring but unmoving Ash is giving him the eyebrow from across the arena.

Buzzer sounds…Bond bolts for the gun. Ash reaches into his pants and pulls out a flap of human skin (not THAT one, a page from the Necronomicon) and begins to read…Klatuu…Baraddaa Nenshifromayorummmm.

As Bond reaches the top of the weapons platform the audience falls dead silent. And I do mean dead. Suddenly, all the spectators are hissing and screeching, dead white eyes fixed on the combatants.

“Uh Oh”

“What the hell did you do?”

“HEY you wanna cut me some slack Nancy?”

“What did you expect to happen?”

“Do I look like Gandalf to you, I fucked up, okay? It happens!”

The audience rushes forward. Bond throws the chainsaw through the air to Ash…which lands perfectly on the right stump. Next the boomstick arcs through the air…perfect catch.

Bond keeps the high ground, picking off Deadites with precision. Ash is sloppily slashing and firing until the ammo is gone. Bond fights his way over to Ash.

“The page… the book page where is it?”

BOOM BZZZZ SPLAT GUSH

“In My Pants!

SCREECH, HOLLAR KICK SPLAT

Bond rolls his eyes and reaches into Ash’s Pants

“Hey, whoa, not on a first date…”

BOOM, SPLAT! SWALLOW YOUR SOUL DIE DIE DIE

Bond takes the page, wraps his pen around it and hits a button, then tosses the pen like a grenade.

The explosion takes out 12 deadites…the page gone, the rest of them fall in a heap, and slowly wake up as themselves.

“Hey, thanks a lot pal, you’re alright…”

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

Bond has his gun to Ash’s forehead… but James is out of bullets.

TCHKT.

Boomstick empty.

Ash revs up his right hand

“Groovy “

Which is EXACTLY how it would have gone if there was even the REMOTEST chance a clown like Ash could beat James Bond. What actually happened was that Bond parkoured his way up the weapons pole lickety split, just like he did in Casino Royale, and shot Ash twice in the head before he could say “Gimme some sugar.” But that’s not as much fun to write, is it?I like Ash as much as the next geek, but it doesn’t matter who is playing him…IT’S JAMES FUCKING BOND.There is no way he’s going down to a bumbler.

Winner: James Bond. Long live the Queen.

RobbieRobTown

“Why not Sean Connery?”, you ask, logically. I honestly cannot recall the rationale for using Daniel Craig. It’s not that I mind Daniel Craig, I like him better than Timothy Dalton, and for that matter, it’s not that I mind Timothy Dalton- I just kind of mind Timothy Dalton’s Bond.  Heck, once you get over the physically impossible elements of “Goldeneye”, which takes place in a non-supernatural world where normal physics are supposed to apply, even Pierce Brosnan is a pretty good Bond.  Lazenby was marginal, and Roger Moore I could take or leave. Anyway, There is nothing wrong with Daniel Craig. I like him in stuff, he seems fitting of the James Bond role. So why no Connery? I dunno. His improbably Scottish sounding accent? Not that I have a problem with Scottish people, my family is basically exclusively that… Anyway, I don’t know why we settled on Daniel Craig. Oh, right, sorry- We settled on Daniel Craig because it is all fixed.

I don’t need to explain Ash to you, do I? His heroes journey is the classic one which goes from selfish coward to selfish coward with no option but to fight. He gets in a lot of tussles with books, some of which have teeth. Also, it’s a trick, get an axe.

I can tell you very succinctly how this will go. The referee (Batman) will remind Ash and Bond of the rules.

Batman: (Gravelly voice): Everyone clear on the rules.

Bond: (Emerging from a woman) Yes, of course.

Ash: Yeah, I got it.

Batman (Gravelly voiceier) Are you sure?

Ash: Yeah, yeah, I got it!

And the fight begins! Ash shoots Bond in the face with a shotgun, and then saws off his head with his chainsaw hand for good measure.

Ash: Hail to the King, baby.

Batman: (Angry gravel with broken glass voice) : How did you get those weapons! Did I not explain the rules! You don’t start with the weapons, you have to get them off the platform! Did you not hear me?

Ash: Well maybe not every single syllable, but basically, yeah…

Batman: (While being shot in the face by Ash in a totally cowardly unfair way, so dialogue is mumbled through jaw fragments and blood) I should disqualify you!

Ash: What?

Batman: Gurble Burble!

That’s it folks. Ash might be the protagonist, but he isn’t very heroic, and he is not really a good guy. Is Batman pissed? Yeah! Is Bond upset? No, he is dead. Would Bond have foreseen this and planned around it? One might have hoped so, but I say no. Could Ash fire off a round into Batman’s face? In a non euphemistic way? If Geoff John’s says Hal Jordan can one-punch bats, then yes.  Next round, Batman will have a tiny version of bad Ash to help keep Ash onder control, and in the mean time, it’s decided, despite the boos of an angry mob.

Winner: Ash

Loser: Classy heroes.

Admin_Rock

I’m on vacation at the moment, and wasn’t expecting to weigh in on this, but, as always, Admin_Rock is up to the challenge.

The two men enter the arena, and stare one another down. Bond removes his coat, glaring at Ash.
Ash glares back, as the camera zooms in on his eyes. His eyes go from hard glare to goofy widening surprise, then back to hard glare.
The horn goes, and Bond runs for the weapons, reaching the platform in record time. Ash strides toward the platform confidently. By this time
Bond has his gun, and has placed three in the chest, in a perfect triangle. Ash staggers, looks down, and coughs. When he opens his mouth, a
small demon begins crawling out of it. It pulls itself slowly from his mouth, grabbing his nose and hauling itself out. Ash looks in disbelief.
The demon smiles at him, then opens its mouth, showing four rows of teeth. It clamps down on his nose, engulf the entire thing and begining to
chew. Ash screams in pain, and tries to remove it from his face. He struggles with it for a minute, is able to pull the little bastard away, far enough to
see it. It smiles again, and scampers down, entering his pants. Ash screams in horror as the demon repeats his clamping. He yanks down his pants to
see that his dick is now enitre missing. Ash screams “Oh Momma!”. The demon spits out the disgraded organ, which begins crawling away. Ash tries to grab
it and begins to enjoy the way that feels. Suddenly, the dick turns on him, and jams itself in his eye. He screams again, as the penis repeatedly enters his eye socket.

Bond meanwhile, has been standing and watching. He puts Ash out his misery with two more bullets in the face and heart. Without a demon to protect him
this time, Ash succumbs, either to the bulet, or possibly the vicious skull rape. Bond looks down and ‘tsks’, as the penis goes limp, covered in ash’s blood.
“Now that’s what I call Spotted Dick”.

WINNER: Bond

Decision: Bond

So Bond wins, and moves on to the next round. Tune in next week for more excitement from the Action Dome.

Comments explode below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies  vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Just in case anyone gets confused, we’ve invited CubReporterK to join in on this round of Smackdowns, and, rather than confuse things with an even number of judges, we’ll have one of us (rotating throughout) sit out. This week, Admin_Rock is off, which, due to his anti-Solo bias, might be a good thing.

RobbieRobTown:

I just want to say, I have been paid a steaming shit-ton (that is 1.8 metric shit-tonnes) of money to fix this smackdown, so I’m going to make sure it all comes down to Han and Indy in the final round, even at the expense of entertaining you people! Do you know how much money I am being paid to make the inevitable outcome in favour of Han Solo and Indiana Jones? Like, thirty dollars! Yeah! Thirty! That’s three- Oh! That’s $32 American!  Steve already gave me the money!  That pays for our domain for, like, a month! It’s easily double our google-ad profit for both years we have been running! Don’t try and talk me out of it, I have already essentially spent the thirty dollars, and this website was exclusively my idea in the first place. That’s right TBinns, it was all my idea!  Do you hear me Admin_Rock? It was my wonderful idea, you guys didn’t help at all, and I’m going to run this fucker into the ground and leave with all the glorious profits! Do you know how many slurpees I can buy with $30? It’s like, um, like, 16 or something! Sometimes if you need matches for your barbecue, and you just ask to buy matches, they will give you free matches too, over at the 7-11. Once I have collected 15.8 slurpee cups, and 4 packs of free matches (free!), and 15.8 plastic spoon straws, I will build a motherfucking rocket to the moon! I will be on the moon and I will shit on all of you from my motherfucking mooncastle, you shitty apefuckers!

So, The fight this week (not that there is any point in reading further, dear fans, with all the sex you have with real live humans, you make me sick. Do you know how wrong and gross it is to touch another human being? That is how you transmit the common cold, not to mention diabetes, I think, and I am not going to catch the diabetes from kissing anyone, not even a girl.) is between Han Solo and Mad Max.

As film franchises expand, the quality usually goes WAY up. See my comments at the bottom of this article:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/correctness/the-correctness-round-table-a-new-blade-runner-movie/

This is the reason that both Beyond Thunderdome and Episode III are inarguably the finest of their particular worlds.  I know, Han wasn’t in Episode III, even though Chewie was. What was Chewie doing in those intervening 20 some odd years? I’ll bet he had a crisis of faith in the Force, and that’s why he turned to crime and smuggling. Maybe Han was a ratty teen somewhere, and he was fixing up cars and racing them against Ron Howard, or whatever.

Anywhozle, both Han and Max have had to contend with being in enough films that at least one of their movies has cute kid-friendly characters in it. Beyond Thunderdome has precocious feral 3rd graders, and ROTJ has Ewoks.  I was 5 years old when Jedi came out, I saw it in the theatres, and I can assure you that the Ewoks were the greatest thing EVER. They were my height, but they fought the Empire and totally won! What did the kids in Beyond Thunderdome ever do? Okay, they fought Tina Turner and won? That’s some bullshit, because Ike Turner used to fight Tina Turner all the time and win.

So, We have max and Han, and they are in the ring together. Both of these guys are basically good at heart, but I think both would have the presence of mind to run for the weapons in the middle of the arena and make with the shooting.

I’m going to base this decision on one of my classic, scientifically derived techniques. When I was making decisions in the Superhero Smackdowns, I would often consult my Marvel Cards (First edition! They are for sale, if you want them…) and check on height and weight of the individuals involved. The thing that always ruined my fun about Marvel cards was that it quantified the relative powers of all of their heroes. This sucks some of the fun out of being a reader, but in the early 90′s comic books were not mean to be enjoyed, simply placed in aplastic bag and catalogued for future resale (seriously, I have all the holograms with the Marvel cards, I will sell one complete set in the original hand decorated note-tote binder for yet another $30). However, since these characters are not from the same universe, they are not hampered by some retarded statistics that make determining the outcome a pointless exercise. rather the opposite, and that’s why we write these smackdowns.

So, why would I decide the winner of this fight based on height and weight? maybe I won’t, in fact, to hell with that! We all know Mel Gibson is short, but what we also know is that he is crazier than fuck. Crazy people are terrifying in a fight. Does that mean he has the edge?

Brace yourself for my conundrum: If I eliminate Han Solo from the competition right now- Let’s say I do it because Han is a bit more moral than Max, and Max has less to lose- Then you, YOU GOOD PEOPLE, have a problem. Since this is fixed, and everyone actually, secretly, wants to read a Han/Indy final round (Search your feelings, you know it to be true!), if I eliminate Han right now, I will half our readership for the remaining smackdowns.  But you know what? I already got my thirty dollars, and I’m not likely to see Steve again for a while, so decision is made!

Max is scary, Han is way cooler in every conceivable way. No little kids ever dressed up as mad max to play Road Warrior after dark, but every kid on my block played Star wars- Unless we were playing Kick the Can… yet, does it matter what little kids think? Isn’t this an emtionless adult assessment of badassery?

Winner: Han Solo

Loser: My brain for having to try and think through that.

SuperLoser: Me when the comments start coming in.

Tbinns

Max, warrior of the wasteland, veteran of at least one post apocalyptic cage match on bungee cords, steps into the arena. Before him, on the platform a sawed off double barrel shotgun and a hand blaster. Max feels very much at home. On the other side, Han Solo, space pirate, scoundrel with a heart of gold. He’s poised, ready to go, wary of his surroundings. This is a man who chased off a whole squad of stormtroopers on his own. He’s not about to back down, he is keeping his distance. But he doesn’t LOOK like he’s keeping his distance. He walks casual.

Solo is not in his element, he’s not flying the Falcon…but Max also does his best work in a moving vehicle. And Solo is FAST! Remember he got THREE shots off at Vader before most people even REGISTERED who was standing on the other side of the brunch buffet. Trouble is it’s not an old west style quickdraw. Good thing for Max, because if it was, it would be over quick.

Buzzer goes… both men sprint for the weapons, but Max is altogether too much of a hard ass for Solo when it comes to hand to hand. He beats him down as he tries to get to the weapons. Solo is lying on the ground when Max points the shotgun at him. Max looks him in the eye…and hesitates. Just like he did in Thunderdome. He is a killer by necessity, not by choice. Which is when Solo points the small blaster he smuggled in at Max and blows him away. Greedo, Max, whoever, it doesn’t matter…if you hesitate/gloat for even a SECOND with Solo he will shut you down.And he’s not dumb enough to go in there without a back up plan.

But just then…George Lucas comes over the loudspeaker…”No, Han Solo is not a Killer…and technically he is my property so…here’s the new improved fight…” so he digitally erases the entire fight and replaces it with one where Han does NOT shoot first, and consequently Max turns his face into Bantha Poodoo with his double barreled shotgun. But to be fair the resolution on the second fight looks awesome. And off in the stands, The wookie howling with grief and outrage in the stands is overdubbed with a long cheesy “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Winner: Max

Loser: Cinema purists.

Cub Reporter Keith

Max stands next to his worn-out Interceptor, amazed at the water casually spilled in the stands. That water is worth its weight in petrol. He sees his sawed-off shotgun, usually kept at his hip, waiting in the centre of the combat area. Across the arena is what looks like a gunfighter but much cleaner – black vest, black pants with a red stripe, and a yellowed shirt.

…

Seriously, I was watching the Star Wars blu-ray and in a lot of scenes Han’s shirt is a yellowed colour. You always see him depicted with a white shirt. I’ve never seen a drawing or action figure of him with a yellowed shirt. That was so weird.

… anyway …

Han Solo meets Max’s eyes. He instinctively reaches for his blaster but his holster is of course empty. He spots it sitting on top of a pedestal between them. Never one to wait for someone else to make the first move, he breaks out in a dead run to retrieve it.

Max is startled by the sudden movement and looks around a bit confused waiting for someone to give him a hint to his first move. Reluctantly he also starts running for his weapon.

Max’s hard leathers give him a distinct disadvantage in a foot race and Han gets to the pedestal first, jumping to climb it. Max is still far away when Han reaches the top and stands up, holding his blaster and giving himself a congratulatory grin.

Max slams his full weight into the pedestal and Han’s eyes go wide as he falls backward and he accidently kicks the shotgun off, right into Max’s waiting hands.

Han lands with a thud as Max moves toward him. Han is stunned and has dust in his eyes, but the extremely loud squeaking of Max’s leathers give away that the apocalyptic anti-hero is nearly upon him.

Max aims the shotgun one-handed at Han’s head as Han scrambles back. Max moves into killing range.

Max get off the first shot but it goes wildly past Han’s head. From only 3 feet away you would think it an easy shot but Han seems capable of dodging bullets. “It would be out of character for me to shoot first,” Han thinks, “but it is perfectly honorable to kill a man who is incapable of hitting me from this extremely close range.”

Han fires and Max falls, smoke billowing out of his blaster wound. “And I thought Max’s leathers smelled bad before he was cooked,” Han quips.

Winner: Han Solo

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

Decision: 

*****UPDATE! DECISION OVERTURNED!******

Errors caused by a certain intern contributed to the incorrect decision being called! Who will go on to the next round? POSSIBLE REMATCH IN 4 WEEKS?

Way to go, Benji, you ass.

Dearest Readers:

It was a wild time at The Correcteness panel at the Calgary Comic Expo! Literally dozens (Dozen. Half dozen. Four.) of our regular readers showed up for vote for their favourite heroes in an epicesque battle to the deathish! Not only that, but the Calgary Con saw the sudden and triumphant re-opening of  the “win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest, at the behest of Summer Glau (who I am sure was dropping me a specific hint in an audience of 5000 people).

There were 7 contenders in the Smackdown this year, and the audience voted in a favourite hero as well. Before I go on to list who was in the battle this year, may I just say that if you give the audience a choice on who is in the Smackdown, they will make obscure, irrational choices to spite me.

Based on our retirement of Supes last year, and Batman’s inevitable live win last con, we selected 7 heroes, with emphasis on the summer film icons.

Green Lantern  vs Thor,  Jean Grey pre-Phoenix vs. Audience Choice, Kitty Pryde vs. The Flash, and Wonder Woman vs. Captain America.

Who would be the audience choice hero? Our throng of fans, who were there specifically to see us and not just there because the costume contest was taking too long, decided between these 4 choices:

Spider-Man

Wolverine

The Hulk

Aunt May (Submitted by me as a joke)

Guess which one they picked. Go ahead guess. You already know, because you know that when I get in front of an audience, they immediately feel a compulsion to screw with me. Consequently, Aunt May entered the Fray. The May Fray. As a side note, “The May Fray” released one of the best proto-punk albums of the late 70′s. Lead single: CookiePunch!

Without going into a detailed blow by blow (hahaha, blow!), here are some key results:Based on audience votes, Aunt May took the first round against Jean Grey. This pitted Aunt May vs. Thor in the semi finals, which were interrupted by Dark-Phoenix! Aunt May nearly won that battle too, but Thor took the match.

FYI, the Green Lantern vs Thor fight came down to a matter of ring-recharging, so I imagine those rings were designed by Steve Jobs on Oa, and they never got the battery life quite right. Yes, you can play music for 10 hours, but you need to get to your lantern if you want to play much Angry Birds on your flight.

Also of note, my affection for Kitty Pryde was not enough to keep the audience on her side this year. I blame the distractingly lovely Ramona Flowers who showed up and split my attention. Although, was Ramona dating Stephen Stills? Because, spoiler alert, Stephen Stills ends up gay, so Ramona, please call.  If I really wanted a shot with Ramona Flowers I probably shouldn’t have said Thor’s mighty might with his shirt off defeated my straightness. I think that cost me a coffee date, but, seriously, have you seen Thor with his shirt off? His hip-flexors were like tidy rolls of Pillsbury cookie dough! Even I wanted to lick him! Mmmm, Thor-Pops on a hot summer day, cooling me down…

A final round between Wonder Woman and Thor was narrowly won by Thor, and that left us with enough time to have Thor try and defeat last year’s live victor, Batman. Again, guess who won. You’re right. Aunt May won. Aunt May always wins. Who has all the information necessary to defeat every member of the Justice League? Aunt May. Who decides who lives and who dies? Aunt May does. Why does the sun rise and set? Because Aunt May wants it that way.  Aunt May, FTW.

No, seriously, Batman won. It turns out that planning time for the Dark Knight is the same whitewash explanation as speed-force is for the Flash. One fan suggested Bruce Wayne would buy out Marvel Comics and sue them into non existence.

What will happen at the Smackdown next year? Will we be invited back? Will I ever get a job? Am I really as good at Angry Birds as I claim? (Hint: Yes, I’m really, very, very good at Angry Birds.)

In other important news, Summer Glau was at the convention, and shared a heartbreaking fact: Unlike her guest appearance on Big Bang Theory, she does not get harassed for dates in real life.  As a consequence of this, Summer, if I may call you by your first name, I have reopened the “win a date” with me contest. The current contest rules are as follows: You must submit either an idea of what your dream date with me would be like, or an original haiku which will woo me. Remember, last time we ran this contest, there were 2 whole entries, and both were disqualified due to official contest rules.  There you go, Summer, you’re welcome.

Thanks to everyone who stayed late at the con to join us, and we hope you come back on the interwebs and see us soon!

RRT

P.S. Ramona, you can enter the contest too. Any ladies can, I just want to make sure Summer Glau gets a fair shot, just like Emma Stone did.

P.P.S. Please enter the contest this time. I’m so very lonely.

P.P.P.S. Thor may also enter.

Good news Correctness Fans!

While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I’m ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n’ shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then…

I will update as polling information comes directly to my office, which has access to this information because I applied to Elections Canada as a news agency. They turned me down, but I get cable, and I am probably just going to use my Marvel cards to gather important personal data. And I might stop the coverage to watch Doctor Who for a while.

4:22 Mountain Daylight Time:

I am declaring a winner. Batman. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think Batman deserves to win, we all have to admit that he is popular, and has a grassroots voter base. If I were an election scrutineer of some kind, I would look into Wayne Enterprises and see how the Batman campaign is being funded.

4:26 The news lady is asking if Canadians are ready for minority government again. This is a stupid question, because almost everywhere in the world with a party-based government system has had minority governments. Some example include, uh, Sweden, I guess, and, uh, R’Lyeh.

I cast my vote before lunch, and I wish I’d held off because it was probably a good place to meet girls.

The incumbent in my riding is a conservative guy. He’s apparently a nice guy. I voted for someone else anyway. Here he is on a horse:

That’s not meant to be a commentary, most people from my neck of the woods have photos of themselves on horses. Anyway, like I said, he’s the well supported incumbent, and I doubt my vote will make him lose his job.

4:41 LIke hell I will watch American Idol ever again. Why is America so excited about failure? Also, the polls aren’t closed yet, so I’m just sort of venting here…

4:47: Oh my merciful Christ, I have always been embarrassed of the “youth” who are supposed to represent me on the news. Where do they dig up these weirdos? Do people who watch the news really wonder what “the young folk” are thinking? Are there no young folks who watch the news? Are the young people all watching American Idol?

5:04 Just a little Bin Laden break here: I notice that they always find the bad guys in compounds. I have a suggestion: Why not just skip over the houses and apartments in future, and only check the compounds?

5:07 Is “Button-Holing” a cute euphemism for anal sex?

5:10: Is the whole CBC Calgary staff attractive women? I’m looking at you, Alana Cole, but there are others… Smart girls are so awesome.

5:35 Polls have closed on the east coast, but I actually won’t be able to get results yet, because of Canadian legislation introduced to reduce western voter apathy. Also, I guess I can’t technically post results here until 8pm local, so that polls are closed on the west coast. That’s okay, I have already called it for Batman.

7:07: The polls close in about 20 minutes, which means I still have time to order a pizza. You can follow my detailed criticism of the moment to moment results here:

http://twitter.com/#!/robbierobtown

7:14: Okay, I’ve changed into my Steve Jobs mock-turtleneck. What the hell does a turtleneck think it is to mock anyone?

7:18: My friend @RogerKinkade is the guy who is following social media on local TV here. It’s weird knowing that I could get in touch with the media with my hilarious “jokes”.

7:20 Global TV has this digital House of Commons, and it is creepy as fuck. I feel like I took the blue pill.

7:22 Is CBC using the election preshow to promote new shows? THEY ARE! Wow, our national broadcaster might as well just set up a blog and talk about what happened at Junior High today.

7:32 Where the hell is the riding of Madawaska-Restigouche? New Brunswick. I”m going to start saying “restigouche” frequently.

7:45 With 1% of polls reporting, Global has called the government and the official opposition. With 1% of polls reporting, girls love me.

7:57: Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park is scheming on Global local right now.

8:10: Steinke is kind of a funny last name.

8:31 I am distressed by the idea of a Conservative majority. I like minority governments. I like minorities! Do you hear me? I like minorities!

8:41: Is someone rewinding an analogue tape of Revolution 9 right now? Who’s doing the switching on this broadcast?

9:03: Okay, Well, it looks like our Prime Minister is still the Prime Minister, and now he has his fancy majority. Here are some facts about him: Stephen Harper was once considered to be the most powerful of the Green Lantern Corps. As time has passed, Stephen Harper allied himself with Parallax, and now represents the power of fear.

9:11: For our American fans, a big thing has happened in Quebec. There used to be a blah blah blah, and blah blah blah Bloc Quebecois, blah blah, and that is part of the reason that Titanic was not able to announce it was the most popular film in North America. Actually, that’s a true story- Titanic was #1 all over North America, except in Quebec, where the number 1 film was “Le Boys 2″, a sequel about a rag-tag hockey team. Quebec has always gone it’s own way, but the removal of a separatist threat means that the impossibly beautiful French girls in Montreal are going to remain aloof and unavailable to anglos like me. Mmmmm, Montreal girls…

9:17: A lot of porn stars are from Montreal… I’ve heard… a friend told me…

9:29: People keep talking about parties “going down.” HA! I’d attend that party!

9:29:30: Wait, I mean, I’d attend if the party was going down on me, not if I was joining the- screw it, i’d attend, I’m very lonely.

9:37: Hey, Global TV, who dropped your camera before the Saskatoon broadcast? The back-focus is so off it’s art.

9:44: Incumbent handily wins riding: Filthiest election euphemism ever!

9:53: 3 way splits!

10:10: We also have elected a Green Party Candidate, who I will not make a Green Lantern joke about.

10:25: Okay, fuck this, I’m going to bed. And by “bed”, I mean “visiting friends from Montreal online”. Bed in 6 minutes…

10:27: Sorry, CBC, are we seriously talking about what kind of speech the official leader of the opposition should make? We are discussing the hypothetical content of a speech.

10:28: Oh, and apparently the NDP had a lot of teachers running for their party. Good news for me, teaching jobs are impossible to find in Canada right now.

11:09: Jesus H Christ, would you look at all the balding white men at the Conservative headquarters! There is less hair in that room than something metaphor something!

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have DC’s Justice League taking on Marvel’s first family, The Fantastic Four.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)

Vs.

The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

RobbieRobTown:

I am not a comic book expert. “Why do you write for a comic book blog?” you might ask. I’m glad that you raised the question. I write for a comedy website, and it just so happens that our big “business” is in comic books. I do not know everything about comic books (nor comedy) but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to enrage nerds nerdier than me, and I am surprised by the legion of angry nerds that actually are much nerdier than me- I thought I was an extreme, turns out I’m more MOR than MOR adult oriented radio.

In any case, I have taken, in the past year, to doing research for these articles by reading metric buttloads of comics. For these smackdowns, I quite often go back to the beginning. When I wanted to find out more about Batman, I read a DC treasury of the early Batman comics. X-Men? Same deal, I went straight back to the Lee/Kirby stuff, first twenty issues, and then I read the first fifty Claremont issues, before he turned the suck dial up to 10. I have read many, many, many origin stories, and many, many, many early narratives. I have come to a few conclusions which I think may be pertinent to my discussion of the winner of this smackdown.

1. Origin stories are way more lame than you remember, and they are only cool now because they have been retold by more effective storytellers than the original writers.

2. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby had WAY too much stuff to do in the early days at Marvel. WAY. In a few days I will post a companion piece to this to demonstrate that Kirby was far from infallible.

I mention this because I am going to give this fight to the JLA. I am giving this fight to the JLA because I hate, hate, HATE the entire early Fantastic Four catalogue. HATE. The other boys will write you plausible stories about how long Sue Richards’ invisible shield can withstand Superman’s x-ray vision, or whatever. The boys are more expert than I, and they will gleefully provide you with fodder to fire your canon at (see what I did there?). I however, am going to tell you why I despise the FF so much.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were writing a lot of titles by 1961, but they weren’t rich. Not rich at all. This is why, I believe, that issue 3, and even more so, issue 6 feature huge unnecessary panels showing off the Richards’ super-keen-neato apartment featuring such awesome superhero necessities as a “Giant map room” ( guess what’s in it) and a “projection room and closed circuit TV control” (you know, closed circuit TV, so Thing could watch Sue shower and jack off until he jizzes pebbles?). Then, once Lee and Kirby had a swinging imaginary bachelor pad, they gave their hero a hot girlfriend, and lest he lose Sue to someone else, ruining the adolescent fantasy, Lee and Kirby make sure the other dudes on the team are sexually non-threatening. One dude is related to Sue, and Thingy has a gross penis and is too bumpy for loving (more on Jack Kirby’s “Giant Crotch” phase next week).

Then, they make  with the names: Fantasti-Car! Fantasti-Copter! Faantasti-tarded, you guys. They even have a Bat Signal, but it is a number 4 shaped flare. I know, harping on the plausibility of a firework that can write a boldface number 4 in the sky against all the gamma ray shit is a minor quibble. Nonetheless, it comes out of a normal flare gun. Lamers. And the dialogue, oh Stan the dialogue…

Next time, I’ll pick on the JLA for being a glorified Super Friends, but for now, I hate the Fantastic Four, they suck ass, and I regret the $27.50 Canadian I spent reading the first ten issues that not even Doc Doom can improve. Probably because of all the goddamn Sub-Mariner, and you people know how I feel about his inexplicable motives and his ridiculous tiny ankle-wings.

Winner: JLA

Tbinns

I have a feeling this isn’t going to be the cakewalk everyone says it’s going to be. Let’s have a look at the old tale of the tape here…

The Brains: Superman likes to THINK he’s in charge, but when it comes down to strategy, the Batman will be calling the shots. Reed will be doing the thinking for the FF. Both are geniuses in different ways, one is a tactician, the other a scientist. It’s kind of like pitting Patton against Einstein. Both are masters of the ancient art of Deus Ex Machina, and both have been known to make total DICK moves for the sake of what they deem to be the general good. However since it’s a fight and not a science fair, I have to give the advantage to Bats here.

The Muscle: Superman and Wonder Woman vs. The Thing. Ben would have his hands full with just one of these two. It’s a good thing he is tough and can take a lot because he is about to get his ass whooped. Advantage JLA

The Wildcards: Flash and (giggle) Aquaman vs. The Human Torch. Flash is nigh impossible to take out of any equation, and Aquaman is nigh impossible to take seriously. But if it comes down to Johnny vs. The Flash, I’m giving it to the Flash. So once again JLA.

On paper, it’s pretty cut and dry, let’s see how it goes down…

Batman knows the first order of business is to take Sue Storm out. And not for a nice dinner either. Mr. Fantastic’s main concern, protect the wife, and keep Superman and Wonder Woman at bay.

Fortunately he has had two days to research and plan.

Unfortunately so has Batman. But I think on a gadget to gadget basis, this is the one and only area where Reed is better than Batman.

Both teams are in opposite ends of the arena. There’s a lot of smiling and waving going on. Buzzer sounds…Flash disappears, and so does Sue. Batman shoots his gun and gets taken straight up to the rafters, disappearing into the dark.

“Anybody Know what time it is?” Ben asks.

Aquaman exits stage left.

Wonder Woman charges with an Amazonian battle cry

Superman flies up and aims a heat blast at Reed.

Meanwhile, at the very southernmost tip of South America, The Flash finally stops and puts down Sue.

“Sorry about that, Ma’am” says the Flash. “I hope I didn’t hurt you”

“No problem Dude” says the surprisingly masculine voice “I hope your suit is fireproof”

The blonde wig burns off of Johhny as he lets off a massive heat blast.

Back at the arena, Superman is surprised to find his heat ray has no effect, like there is some kind of shielding going on…

Reed presses the button on a remote, sending a signal to a tower atop a nearby building. The brother sister switcharoo has bought them about a minute and a half…

A blast from Sue sends The JLA Careening backwards

Reed’s plan is going perfectly.

And then phase two…Ben steps out from behind the shield, with a number of green crystals embedded in his skin…”It’s clobberin time” he mutters with a grin.

In South America, The Flash, moving faster than the fire blast, literally runs circles around Johnny until he can’t muster a flame. Then he takes off back for the arena. At that precise moment, an insanely hot South American girl steps onto the beach, and smiles at Johnny.

“Hello there…” he says with a smile. Johnny is out of the fight…he’s gonna be here awhile.

The Thing clocks Superman a good one, sending him skittering across the arena floor. Wonder Woman has no problem with Kryptonite, so she drop kicks Ben in the chest, sending HIM reeling backwards.

Aquaman runs back in with a bucket of water. He climbs in it. “Come on you fuckers” he screams from his bucket…”Come get some!!”

“Where the hell is Wally”? thinks Wonder Woman as she tries to sweep Ben’s legs out from under him, and receives a big stone fist to the midsection for her trouble.

The answer to that question is in a taxi, because the second he set foot in the city, Reed’s well placed device completely dampened his speed force for a 50 mile radius

Superman gets up and is hit with another energy blast.

In the Lobby, the fish in the fish tank really want to help out, but can’t really do anything

Reed stretches himself around Wonder Woman, tying her up, which according to legend, she both hates and really really digs. This leaves Ben to deal with Superman. Sue has disappeared, leaving only the odd energy blast to give any hint of where she is.

“I’m Waaaaitiiiing” screams Aquaman.

The JLA are actually in trouble here

But Batman is never going to be caught without a Plan B. Wearing special energy signature goggles, he finds Sue, and takes her out with a specially designed vibrating anti shield dart. Sue reappears and drops in a heap.

Reed stretches over to check on her and is taken out by the Whatever Plan I Have In My Data Base To Take Out Ralph Dibney Or Plastic Man If They Ever Go Rogue Device (Wayne Enterprises, Patent Pending) This frees Wonder Woman, who combined with Superman (From a distance, with freezing attacks) start whooping the tar out of the Thing.

The Thing does NOT give up however, until Reed wakes up and concedes. Hands are shaken, crowd goes wild. Everyone goes to a little pub on Yancy Street to celebrate a great fight, Except Batman, who has some sulking to do, and the Flash, who shows up at the arena 20 minutes after everyone leaves, owing to Midtown Traffic.

And just to piss off Aquaman, everyone orders fish and chips.

Winner : JLA

But it was NO Cakewalk.

admin_Rock:

The Justice League is arguably the strongest super team ever formed. DC is not known for it’s team books, as they tend to concentrate on the individual heroes. Marvel, on the other hand, makes team books on a whim. In general, DC characters are stronger than Marvel, so it stands to reason that the DC team would be stronger than the average Marvel team. But individual strength does not a team make.

In the lineup for the JLA, you have DC’s Trinity of power, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. They alone are more than enough to beat most teams. Add in The Flash and Aquaman, and there’s a lot of power here.

The Fantastic Four have the advantage of being family, and of having worked together pretty much exclusively. They can react like a team in ways other teams can only imagine.

Much debate has been bantered about concerning the Batman Deus Ex Machina, the idea that Batman is the master planner, and that he can prepare for any contingency. I’m stacking that up against the scientific genius of Reed Richards, and I’m saying Reed comes out ahead here. This is because he has the advantage of studying all the parallel earths and discussing the upcoming battle with every other Reed Richards that has time to chat. So this is how it plays out:

The battle horn goes, and Flash moves to end things instantly. He aims to slam in to Sue, but is bounced off of her protective bubble. Simultaneously, he’s knocked unconscious by Reed’s Free-Wave device, built to render the Flash’s powers null and void. The beam encompasses him, knocks him out, and places him in the negative zone, pretty much instantly.

While that’s going on, Ben Grimm has hurtled a railing at Superman. Supes takes great offence to this, and begins knocking The Thing around the arena. Batman is on the run from The Human Torch, who is throwing fire and moving Batman to the side of the arena. Superman is pummeling The Thing into the ground, and notices him laughing. “Why are you laughing?” he asks, in his boring usual tone. “You’re losing.” “Heh”, says Ben Grimm. “Look again”. As Superman looks back towards the others, he sees Wonder Woman and Aquaman lying on the ground, completely out. “That’s our girl”, says The Thing.

For, while the big guns are busy fighting off their assailants, Sue has been busy. She’s formed a small bubble over Aquaman’s head, depriving him of air, and created a tiny bubble inside Diana’s neck, which stops the flow of blood to her head.

Batman sees an opening, and fires an extinguishing foam he’s built for the occasion at The Torch, but while he watches it take effect, he’s blanketed by Mr. Fantastic, who tazes Batman, paralyzing his muscles. Superman charges at Sue, slamming into her defensive shield, knocking her over. Before he’s able to take advantage, he looks up and notices that the arena’s sun has changed to Red, courtesy of Reed’s Spectra-Wave, and He realizes he’s weakening. Then, from behind, he hears “it’s Clobbering Time”, and joins the others in nap.

Game, Set and Match to The Fantastic Four.

Winner: The Fantastic Four

Decision: Split Decision to The Justice League

The Justice League move on to the next round. Tune in next week to see who advances as the USA takes on Canada, as The Avengers battle Alpha Force.

It’s time people.

Here are the brackets for the Superteam Smackdown:

Week 1: The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk) versus The Watchmen (Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, Nite Owl, Comedian, Ozymandius)

Week2 : The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman) Vs. The Fantastic Four (Reed Richards, Sue Richards, Johnny Storm and the Thing)

You: Woah Woah, Woah AQUAMAN? They CHOSE AQUAMAN?

Us: Yep.

TOMASS: Sweeet!!!

YOU: Where the hell is Green Lantern?

US: He’s on the Green Lantern Corps team

YOU: Okay, so where is the Green Lantern Corp?

US: On a press junket for the upcoming Ryan Reynolds movie. (We are a little gun shy of the Lanterns after last time).

YOU: Oh you guys suck!!

US: That reminds me, This time we are offering a prize for the best insult in the talkback section. Unleash your nerd rage creatively and we will send you a limited edition Correctness T-Shirt. Shall we continue?

WEEK 3 : The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Giant Man) versus Alpha Flight (Guardian, Puck, Sasquatch, Shaman, Snowbird)

WEEK 4: X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue) Versus The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Mina, Quartermain, Mr. Hyde, The Invisible Man and Captain Nemo)

YOU: Alpha Flight is in, and the Lanterns are OUT?

US: Canadian Content Laws. FCC. Our hands are tied. Now, if you please…if you keep interrupting, we’ll never get through this.

YOU: What about side cards?

US: Sigh… We couldn’t stop RobbieRobTown if we tried.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got. However, having said that…

-You have 1 week before the first round starts, so argue passionately and intelligently about why so and so should be on a particular team and we MAY do a few substitutions. However, once the tournament starts, it’s locked in.

So there it is. Let’s keep it clean (ish) and have fun out there!

This past weekend, the stars aligned properly, Zod was in retrograde, and The Correctness gathered together for that time honoured tradition: The Superhero Movie.

We were all able to get tickets to the same showing of Iron Man 2 in IMAX, and made the appropriate amount of noise at the appropriate, and inappropriate times. We cheered and were impressed with the trailer for Inception, and we sighed and wept for the future during the trailer for Shrek 56.

Tbinns suggested at the end of the film that we all review the film Smackdown style. And so, we did… Enjoy! (Also, weigh in on the poll at your right!)

admin_rock

First, the disclosure: I was never much of an Iron Man fan. I didn’t read his comic book, and when I did come across him in other books, he always seem boring. Civil War and X-Men Forever both paint him in a bad light, and it’s difficult to have any affinity for the character.

Having said that, I went to the original Iron Man film, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was well made, kept things moving, and was very enjoyable. I had suspicions that it wouldn’t be one of the all time greats, and I don’t think it has much rewatchability.

After seeing Iron Man 2, it all became very clear for me. This franchise lives and dies with Robert Downey Jr. I have a hunch that you could change every other aspect of the films (not to slight Jon Favreau, who did a great job), as long as you keep Downey, you’re fine.

I say this because it occurred to me while I watched that I love the hell out of Downey’s Stark (if only the comics would capture that bravado…), but I don’t really like Iron Man.

As a hero, he’s pretty dull. The mask doesn’t help, as we lose a lot of his humanity, and the fact that all his villains so far have been other guys in metal suits, and that the “new suits” are all just slightly different versions of the same suit, same colours etc. There’s also the part where we watch metal hit metal again and again, with no impact on the human inside. Yawn.

Mickey Rourke is in this movie, apparently he’s a genius physicist who has the hair of a wrestler, the tattoos of a douchebag, and the teeth of Flava Flav. He lives with his dad in a fleabag apartment in Russia, and when his dad dies, leaving behind some blueprints, he’s able to fashion a powerful whip-like device using the power supply thingie that Stark also uses. So, if I understand this, while rent, and haircuts are apparently an issue, finding and getting expensive electrical parts, power supplies, and such are easy as pie. Okay.

And what the hell was all that crap about the bird? Do we care? Did I miss something? I was certain he was using the term in the English sense, that he was demanding the return of Scarlett Johanssen.

My other issue was with the insane amount of broken glass in this movie. Whenever possible, glass in this movie will shatter, showering everyone in sight. But no one gets cut. Ever. There’s a scene where drunken girls are throwing bottles in the air, Iron Man is blasting the bottles, which shatter everywhere, and no one is even ducking or covering themselves. Later in the movie, the exhibition is interrupted by a battle, and glass falls about 1 or 2 stories on to the crowd, who are completely unaffected.

Performance-wise, Downey is awesome in this role. He’s a delight to watch, the ultimate rich guy with swagger. Sam Rockwell was great as well, the kind of role most actors would kill for! Don Cheadle and Gwyneth Paltrow are fine, and do their jobs effectively. Scarlett Johanssen is great eye candy, and her fight sequences are fantastic (great choice to keep them short and sweet).

On the whole, I’d say this is a great film, I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s not the king of superhero films (still Dark Knight Returns in my book), but it’s an enjoyable ride. I’d give it an 8 out of 10.

Tbinns

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Dave. Are you suggesting that The Dark Knight has LESS broken glass than Iron Man 2? Perhaps if you count by volume ie: 1 giant glass dome versus 50 individual and separate glass windows.

The Dark Knight is NOTHING BUT broken glass. Just off the top of my head there was broken glass in: The bank heist, the recapture of Scarecrow, Rachel getting dropped out the window…a TON of broken glass when the Bat cycle took a tour through that building, the capturing of Lau, and the swat break in at the end. That’s not even counting the hospital and warehouse explosions.

I’m not saying it wasn’t awesome…I’m just saying people in broken glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so to speak.

(admin_rock: I was more speaking to the showering of innocents with glass while they gleefully ignore it, but I could have been more clear. AND, I’m not basing my “king of superhero movies” solely on glass count, mister “I read your review before writing my own!”)

Could someone with even less of a life than us do a comparative study/youtube video and settle this one for us please?

(RobbieRobTown: I did, but got bored)

But onto the subject at hand…

I enjoyed the hell out of Iron Man 2. The lone Black Widow fight scene was awesome…Scar Jo did not embarrass herself at all by trying an accent, which I think was a good choice. (How good of a spy would she be if she sounded deeply Russian?)Mickey Rourke chose a more laid back form of scenery chewing, which made him more bad ass. (I agree the bird went nowhere, apart from the payoff sight gag after he took out those Hammer cronies.) And dialogue wise, everyone was talking at the same time as everyone else, with that kind of 70’s era overlap, which I still think is kinda nifty. The action was well done, although it could have used a little more. It was funny. The Avengers set up was exciting. Sam Rockwell was great. And of course Robert Downey jr. fucking OWNS Tony Stark.

It was a good time, and judging by the upcoming release slate, I don’t see too many more of those coming this summer. I’m not certain where all of this mixed reaction and dislike is coming from. I think we might be spoiled. I hate to pull the old man “When I was a kid” routine, but I remember a time when we would DREAM of superhero movies like this, when all we were getting is a Golan Globus Punisher that didn’t even HAVE the skull symbol on the outfit. And it starred Dolph Lundgren. Dolph. Lundgren.And a straight to video Captain America, which owing to the fact that it starred J.D. Salinger’s son, I have nicknamed “Catcher in the Wal-Mart Bargain Bin”

This is what we were talking about on the monkey bars at recess people, lighten up and enjoy it. And if Scarlett Johannsen (and Gwyneth Paltrow, if that’s your taste) in a tight black dress sashaying slowly up a set of stairs isn’t worth your 15 bucks I don’t know what is.

RobbieRobTown:

I didn’t exactly see the first Iron Man film under the best circumstances. In fact, let me just say that due to an unfathomably shitty series of events, and a transpacific flight, that particular Monday, the single worst day of my life, lasted 35 hours. Anyhow, that was the day I saw Iron Man, and because my subconscious could not allow my fragile conscious mind to experience any more depression, I think I enjoyed it. Actually, I just felt numb, and suicidal, so that was a really refreshing change from the soul shattering nightmare the rest of that day was.

So, my expectations for Iron Man 2 were low, to say the very least. Well, good news, everyone! My expectations were totally exceeded! This movie was better than the lowest point you have ever experienced. Iron Man 2 was better than a totally genuine existential meltdown. Iron man 2 is better than questioning your entire understanding of reality! Iron Man 2 is better than the last in a long line of unfathomably thorough betrayals! Iron Man 2 is better than confronting the purposelessness of your own existence. And Scarlett Johansson is in it, and she is so very pretty. By the way, I just did a quick spelling check on Scarlett Johansson’s name in google, and auto complete suggested the following 2 things in order:

1. First Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson”

2. Next Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson’s Breast size”.

Really? Really guys? Google, really? Does it matter? Did you enjoy seeing them in the film? Did you need reassurance for a sweater you are knitting for her? Can that possible be the second most popular search regarding Scarlett Johansson in the entire world? Wow guys.

The boys have already covered the key points on this film. I thought the dialouge was cute, and punchy, and an A-List nerd fantasy girl kicks some ass- Though, spoiler alert, she kicks ass for basically no narrative reason. She still kicks ass, but it just isn’t important to the story at all- AT ALL.

A word of warning for you die-hards waiting for the end credits reveal- another spoiler alert here- the long wait through the credits is not exactly paid off  by the awkwardly framed shot of Thor’s Hammer. Food for thought, though it is very respectful of you to sit through all the credits like that.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





(Ed’s note: there is a lot of clarification in our article this week, due to high volumes of being called cum-eaters”)

Spider-Man versus The Flash

Dave

By this point in the smackdown, (this is the 10th week, if you’re keeping track), I’ve basically resigned myself to being called any number of things, regardless of whom I choose.

I thought I’d take a minute or two to clear up some misconceptions that many of you seem to have regarding the Smackdowns…

1) There is no pre-determined winner. Each of us write our piece separately, and then we post them together. One of us adds in the header and footer and some pictures, and declares the winner based on the majority. In fact, we don’t always agree on the winner.

2) We haven’t decided the ultimate winner of the bracket in advance (see 1 above, which would make that difficult).

3) The bracket was determined long before the Fark greenlights started happening, and long before anyone took a serious interest in the final outcome. So yes, we understand that the bracket could be better, but we can’t (apart from having substituted some players) very well change that now.

4) We don’t get paid for this. Apart from remuneration from ads, which I can assure you is fairly minimal, The Correctness is a labour of love, sucking up our time, energy, and cash (which mostly goes to pay for bandwidth used by people who call us morons). We’re thinking of instituting a pay-for-insult scheme, whereby the most acerbic of you can pay us a small fee to call us anything you wish. We’ll be rich!

5) Our opinions are just that. We claim to be comic book lovers, not experts. Tony reads the books he likes, I read the ones I like, Rob likes shiny objects.

6) There is no DC/Marvel bias that I know of. I grew up mostly Marvel, but in the last few years, Marvel has sucked a huge amount of ass, and I’ve found myself catching up on a lot of DC titles. Really Marvel? 47 Avengers titles? Ultimates? Civil War? Zombies? Apes? The only thing you’ve done that piques my interest lately is bring back Clairmont to write “X-Men Forever”, and even that’s been pretty bland. The Grant Morrison “Batman and Robin” alone, in it’s first 4 issues, is better than anything you guys did this decade.

7) It was Rob’s idea to add Kitty Pryde to the bracket, and as a laugh have her win the whole thing. This idea was quickly dismissed, apart from leaving her in the bracket.

8 ) We added the 2 days of preparation bit after hearing from readers that they wanted more setup. This happened at the beginning of the Quarterfinals. It gives the prep guys a bit of time to get ready, but not enough to build insane things and such. It’s a compromise that gives the thinkers a bit of a chance, but not enough to totally control things. It’s every bit as valid as a “chance meeting” setup.

whew… Okay ,so Spidey vs the Flash….

The only thing Spidey has going for him in this fight is his spidey sense. He gets a warning that someone or something is about to attack him. His amazing agility and speed allow him to react to this data very very quickly.

But The Flash can make about 35 of these attacks while Spidey is still dodging the first. The sad part about this is that it’s likely Barry Allen as the Flash, whom I find tedious at best. I’m not exactly sure why he’s being “Reborn”, as Wally West is about 346 times more interesting as a character. But Geoff Johns has his reasons, and most things he writes are really well done, so I’ll go with it for a while.

You’re probably asking yourself why i’m digressing with talk about rules and Barry Allen’s return, but rest assured it’s because this particular fight has been over since I typed the word “By”.

Winner: The Flash

Rob:

Well, this week, I have done some research. I pulled my Note-Tote binder of first series Marvel cards off the shelf, and I can give you some very current stats.

As of 1990, Spider-Man, who wears a black costume with a white spider on it,  stands 5’10″, weighs 165 pounds (seems a tad light to me) and has fought in 982 battles. He has had 620 wins, 328 losses, and 34 ties.  His black costume is totally innocuous and not at all an alien symbiote (check the timeline of this joke for bonus points).

These Marvel cards were released before series 2, in which Marvel made the fucktarded mistake of assigning a “power” and “strength” rating to all of their heroes and villains.  At least the DC universe had some ambiguity, and Marvel did too, at one point. Just how super strong was Spider-man? Could he beat the Hulk? Eventually, Marvel sucked all the fun out of it.

The Flash, obviously, is not in the Marvel universe, and is certainly not in one of my complete set of limited edition holograms.

Spider-Man got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, while the Flash got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive lantern, just like the Green Lantern.

Things I do not recall: I do not recall singing along to the Scarlet Speedster’s theme song. I do not recall seeing awesome Flash-based movies (except for a flawed hypothetical third film). I do not recall reading Flash comics. I do not recall owning Flash action figures. I do not recall desperately hoping a real-live girl would come over to my tree-fort, which I furnished with the finest garage sale back-issues of the Flash.

Standing by my previous comments, because the Flash can move crazy fast, faster perhaps than spider-sense, and he can, according to the intertubes, become incorporeal (just like my hero, Kitty Pryde),  and going entirely against every tender fibre of my childhood, my whole belief system, and my sense of faith in the Universe, I’m giving this one to the Flash.

Once again, The Flash just speeds up, drops a brick off inside of Spidey’s head whilst incorporeal, and it’s over. The classic brick-left-inside-yer-head gambit.

Winner: The Flash

Loser: My Childhood

Tony

SPIDEY: That’s a weird coincidence… I knew a guy named Flash once. He was kind of di-(Flash of scarlet) OW!!!

Well, that’s about all he’d get out. There have been several complaints about how DC universe keeps beating the pants off of Marvel universe characters, at least in our estimation. This boils down to the DC Universe being generally overpowered. Even the unpowered Batman is given such iconic status that writers find a way for him to beat even the most super powered foes (Guilty!) I love Marvel characters. There’s more Marvel on my office shelf than DC, by virtue of the fact that being somewhat more vulnerable makes for interesting characters. We aren’t debating quality here, we are working with what we know about the characters, and what I know about the Flash is, he will fuck you up before you have time to even spin a web of any size.

Allow me to justify myself a tad before you go throwing what we at the Correctness refer to as “The Green Lantern incident” at me. There were three things saving Spidey when he beat Green Lantern

1.We generally go with the classic silver age heroes we all grew up with, which meant the yellow issue was still very much in play. 2. Spider sense which allowed Spidey to react precious seconds before Hal, and most importantly 3. Hal’s enormous power came from something that could be taken off of him, and if anyone could find a way to do that, it was Spidey.

But he can’t stop the Flash from being the Flash. Sticky tar on the ground? He’d vibrate his way out of it.. Web trap? Spotted it, avoided it, speed read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” blogged about it being over rated, and still landed a rabbit punch on ol web head before he finished his first overlong thought balloon.

Here’s a question, Can Spider-man stay up and out of the way and wait for Flash to wear himself out? After all, Parker is super strong and if he does manage to land one, it could be good night Irene. (See what I did there?) Well I think with enough speed, Flash can run up walls. So no, even heights won’t help him. And God help Peter if he DOES manage to stick a web on Barry, because I can’t imagine being dragged at the speed of light is fun.

Sorry Spider-Man. The Flash has got you beat.

Winner: The Flash

P.S. Do your worst, commenters, by the time you read this, I will be in Paris, nibbling on baguettes, and occasionally my wife’s earlobe. Eat it, bitches!

Decision: The Flash

So The Flash moves on to the Semi-Finals, taking on The Batman, while the other side of the Bracket is yet to be decided. Tune in next week for Shadowcat vs Wolverine. The part where you tell us how wrong we are is below!