Planet of the Apes Film Fests

Full disclosure: I love talking ape movies. I absolutely love them. The only reason I’m unsure on the up-coming Planet of the Apes prequel/reboot/reimagining/possible bastardization is that the apes don’t talk. I had even begun the research to study the Planet of the Apes films as my PhD thesis when I abandoned academia. I adore these films.

Last year when a friend of mine invited me over to watch a film on his mondo-fantabulous home entertainment setup, he told me to pickup a blu-ray of whatever I wanted for my first HD giant screen experience and I chose the 1968 Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston. I didn’t have to buy it though, I had purchased the Apes original series blu-ray boxed set months before owning a player.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (the last of the original films) is the second most-purchased film in my collection having had it on vhs, 2 versions on dvd and then blu-ray (the first is Die Hard which I had to replace on vhs). And it’s my least favorite!

I thought about doing “A Case for…” but then I thought “screw that! This is Planet of the freakin’ Apes and you like it or I don’t even want know you!” Instead I put together a series of viewing parties that present the films and related content as a variety of experiences.

All told there were 5 original films (POTA, Beneath the POTA, Escape From the POTA, Conquest of the POTA and Battle for the POTA), a half-season TV series, a half-season animated series, the Tim Burton Remake and the up-coming Prequel. Option 1 is spoiler-free, the rest are not.

1) The Classic: 1,2,3,4,5

As originally released, this is the most popular viewing order. You get the two highest-budget films and both Heston appearances at the top. This is the order that is for the newbie and I warn you that you will lose attention as it gets to the last film.

My personal fav of the series is 4 and I find it difficult to keep going into that last one. The budget on 5 was not much more than that of a TV movie and it shows. Watching on blu-ray and a big screen you will start having the uninitiated questioning the make-up effects by 2. To cut costs, background apes were given pull-over masks instead of make-up but the wonders of 1080 make these cut corners obvious.

2) The Chronological: 3,4,5,1,2 or 3,4,1,2

The order for those who have already seen the series and want a different experience. This version puts the films in chronological order from the perspective of the apes. 3 opens with the three apes crash-landing on earth in the 1970s and telling our world a wild tale about war, a rebellious ape, and the final fate of some missing astronauts.

We watch as the apes take over our world and the human race becomes a slave species. We jump ahead 2,000 years to see the ultimate destiny of our world. Not nearly as hopeful a tale, it is my preferred viewing order.

The screenwriter of 4 was told it would be the final in the series so he created a story that would close it up as a loop. It works well to watch them that way and makes more narrative sense.

You’ve been through the series but still want more talking apes? Well there are the live-action and animated TV series. Both lasted less than half a season though and neither has an ending.

The live-action has it’s moments, and there is an episode with Marc “Beastmaster” Singer. The animated series features characters from 1 and 2 but doesn’t quite fit into the timeline set out in those films.

4) The Tim-Burton-is-All-Style-and-No-Substance: Remake and hopefully not Prequel

Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of POTA is a testament to how he just puts stuff together that looks impressive and doesn’t pay much attention to coherency, plot, characters, etc. It was an early sign of what post-Alice In Wonderland many more people have accepted – he’s a bit shite.

That said, it sure does look pretty. I got the blu-ray for $10 which I thought was fair for the best-looking talking apes so far. The ending will likely confuse and you will be left wondering what it meant. Well look no further than the commentary track by Burton who tells you with all pride that it means … absolutely nothing. He just thought it was an interesting visual and had no concern for the complete failure of the film to close on any sensible note.

5) Theoretical Trilogy: Prequel,1,2,3

If the prequel plays out like I think it might, it will make a new viewing order that is closer to the history told in 3 by Cornelius. I have heard rumour that the prequel will include the infamous first “no” which would drop it into the series fairly well (though I’m assuming that the prequel won’t reference the time-travelling apes of 3).

6) The Long-Staycation: The whole thing. 3,4,5,TV,1,2,Animated,Remake,Prequel,that episode of The Simpsons where Troy McClure is in POTA:The Musical, the fan-edit of POTA that makes it a Twilight Zone episode, and the grown-ups-only XXX parody Playmate of the Apes

As I said, the live-action and animated don’t fit easily into the series, but the original films had quite a few contradictions too so it can be forgiven. The biggest negative is that you get the best stuff early.

There is some very cool apes side content. The Simpsons bit was great (and I just found out there are magnets of those characters which is on my ebay wishlist now). POTA was written by Rod Serling and a clever fan made a terrific fanedit of the film that cuts it to 20-odd minute Twilight Zone episode, black-and-white including opening narration and credits.

And not for all ages is the 2002 porn parody Playmate of the Apes. It was shot mostly outside and the apes live in what looks like a 1970s basement rec room. No talking apes are involved in the *ahem* action. It isn’t art, but it makes more narrative sense than the Burton film so it gets its place.

With the prequel still to come, these may have to be revised. The trailer looks good and I am a Franco fan so fingers crossed.

Get your stinkin’ paws on some damned ape movies.

Keith works in marketing, which isn’t nearly as evil as you think it is, and is wicked smart. Follow him on Twitter as CubReporterK.

He didn’t do any we-don’t-call-it-TBinnsing-anymore photos in this piece because the hottest woman in the whole series is Helena Bonham-Carter who looks like this:

I guess there’s Estella Warren in the remake, if she’s your type of girl.

And the first two films have Linda “You have one line in two films, let’s see if you can get it right this time” Harrison.

Everyone hates bureaucracy. Everyone except for The Phone Company. By “The Phone Company” I mean the people who provide you land line, cell, cable and are your internet service provider. Those people. Oh, and I guess there could be a few people who like bureaucracy- I don’t mean to appropriate the voice of a group of paperwork fetishists who love to be on hold while they make love to a stamp pad, or some such. The point is that most people hate bureaucracy, except weirdos, and The Phone Company.  By the way, The Correctness  recommends you wait for the ink to dry so you don’t leave ball-marks on your underwear.

Worldwide, TPC is legendary for their inefficiency. More people are required to do fewer things than any other type of business or government agency, even the much maligned Postal Service, or Chicago circa Peter Cetera. TPC’s illogical business practice goes right back to the beginning of the invention of the phone.

Alexander Graham Bell, upon the first successful test of the telephone started the trend. The story goes that Bell spoke into his transmitter and said “Watson, come here, I want to see you.” . Keep in mind that Bell was testing a telephone, a device used to make 2 way communication possible over great distances. An alternative conversation might have gone something like this:

Bell: Watson, can you hear me?

Watson: Yes I can! This thing works!

Bell: Oh, good, well, I was going to ask you to come here, but there is no reason to do that, because we could talk all day like this, efficiently.

Watson: Yes, it would be weird if you said “I want you” anyhow.

Bell: I was going to say that, but this call is being recorded.

Watson: Astonishing! How?

Bell: I don’t know.  In any case, you go ahead and stay there instead of making a purposeless trip over here. Let’s head over the patent office, ensuring some controversy about who invented this thing.

Watson: Agreed. Do you have time to take a brief survey about the quality of your service?

Bell: Strangely enough, I do. I was just masturbating furiosly here alone, and it amuses me to continue this conversation while I am jackin’ it on a stamp pad.

Watson: Wonderful. When would you say you make most of your calls?

Bell: I’d say right around now.

Watson: And to which locations do you make most of your calls?

Bell: Primarily next door in the lab

And so on.

So, from the very first phrase ever uttered on a telephone  was born a tradition of purposelessness. Of course, as the technology has improved, the bureaucracy has also improved.  In any industrialized culture, winning a fight with The Phone Company, in which you are right and they are wrong, is one of  the last rites of passage. Where once there were ritual hunts and sundance circles, now we have explaining that you are being incorrectly billed to 4 levels of managers. Once you hold aloft the sullied stamp pad of a regional customer ombudsman, your Jedi training is complete.

(Keep in mind, the reason British Telecom specifically are such scrotumstamps is because a bunch of filthy lower class colonists invented a moneymaking technology, and the jealous bourgeois saw a chance to really make a bunch of underpaid proles stick it to a bunch of other underpaid proles, just to show ‘em for trying to be something better than stable hands.)

If you have a sympathetic soul, you could feel a bit sorry for the drones that occupy the chairs at TPC. Their primary task is to say “no” to you. It’s not their fault. They are trained to deal with people who haven’t paid their bills, and nobody got a BA in medieval poetry to be a  corporately sanctioned collections agent. The people who got their BFA are expecting to do such work, and they see it as an acting exercise. You can spot the BFA ones because they buckle under pressure and hand you off to a manager first, due to their constant theatre-school existential crisis. When the next revolution comes, The Correctness is staring the firing squad at drama schools.

TPC is  going to be defensive with you when you call. The aren’t angry, they are defensive. First, everyone hates them, and they don’t understand why. They don’t understand why everyone hates them because they are retarded. Second, they have had literally weeks of training in the art of the closed ended rhetorical paradigm. Not only are they entirely untrained in the unimaginable possibility that you may have a point, but they are also exclusively trained to respond to questions for which they receive only yes or no answers. Consequently, they have absolutely not the first nutstamp of a clue as to what to do if you ask them questions off the approved list. If you thought the Pope was slow on the progress, the Catholic church looks comparatively responsive (and non-rapey) next to TPC.

So, when you have finally managed to convince someone that you have a problem which can’t be answered by changing your long distance plan, you will be transferred. Be patient, write down everyone’s names as you hear them. This will not be useful, it is only more hilarious to speak derisively about what “Barry said”. Plus, if you catch anyone bullshitting you, which I assure you, they sometimes do to get rid of you, they look much worse.

Don’t get transferred to technical support. technical support is an entire service area that was created to distract you from you actual problem. Technical service will be able to tell you what your ping time is, but they can not tell you why you have paid for 3 months of service without so much a s a dial tone.

At some point, you are going to have to withhold payment from TPC. This is not as bad as you think. This is actually good. This is good because The Phone Company will start calling you. Then, a series of low level functionaries will politely remind you that you owe them money, and you can remind them that you are contractually paying for a service, and if the service is not provided, TPC is in default of the contract in a legally binding way.  This usually gets the gears turning.

One more thing you might be interested in knowing. Those of you on cell phone contracts might observe that TPC never seems to admit to network problems. They would rather give you a new phone than admit to network problems. This is that nasty contractual obligation thing again. The network is their end of the bargain, so if they admit that is the issue, they are admitting they owe you a cheque. That is the kind of thing that gets people out of ink pads to dangle their testicles on.

We hope that clarifies a few things about The Phone Company. Soon to follow are some specific tips for making those phone calls to them more productive for you, more expensive for them, and more hilarious to your family.

Arlene Patterson was new to teaching in an inner city school- brand new- but she knew, after her extensive teacher training, that she could reach out to these kids and make a difference. The fact that she was a white, hardline mormon from a middle-class suburban middle-America made no difference in her mind. She knew, right through her very soul, that she was the one who could teach these delinquent kids- the ones the Principle of PS 101 had called “unteachable”, “hopeless” and even “Seriously dangerous, and not at all stereotypically gang members, but actually gang members.”. Arlene knew when “the Man” was talking, and she knew she didn’t have to accept anyone else’s  prejudices or “written warnings from the city police force”.

As she walked down the litter-coated hallways that were covered in graffiti, she readied herself for what she had to do. She ignored the jeers of the students as she passed them- her pressed white blouse in stark contrast to their bloodstained correctional facility hand-me-down coveralls. The school had no money to buy textbooks, and had spent most of this year’s capital budget on a dubiously functional metal detector. Arlene knew she was walking into a bare, stark, brick and mortar room with no support materials, no new media, no fashionable means of engaging the stuents. Only her wits, and her unflappable sense of self respect. These kids were going to learn, and she would open their minds like spring flowers open their petals.

She paused briefly outside the door of her class, and nodded a polite and casual “thanks” to the military escort assigned to walk teachers down the hall. She gathered herself and strode into the room.

As she entered into the classroom. some of the students, shocked by her audacity, briefly stopped test-stabbing a side of beef with homemade shanks. Not beef shanks, steel shanks. There would be no suppleness to these shanks.

Arlene slammed a copy of “Romeo and Juliet” hard down on the front desk, disturbing a small colony of cockroaches, who scuttled to safer territory.

“Alright, students, listen up!”

30 pairs of eyes swivelled forward in abject shock. Who was this woman?

Arlene started rhythmically stomping her heeled shoe on the floor and clapping her hands creating a beat.

“Yo, My name is Mrs P and i’m here to say,

I’m gonna be yo’ teacher every day,

gonna learn about Shakespeare, who isn’t gay,

and get you educated in the old school way!”

She finished her carefully crafted “rap”.

At first, there was only stillness and silence.

Then, one student moved. He stood up from the very back of the room, and approached the front. No one moved, and Arlene stood proudly, but stone faced, waiting.

The student took millenia to reach the front. He looked Arlene straight in the eye. He inched closer to her. Their noses nearly touched. Arlene Patterson didn’t flinch, or blink, or give way in the slightest. She knew that she had reached this child.

The student stood silently like that, eye to eye with her for ages more. Finally, he removed an automatic weapon from his pocket and shot Arlene 7 times in the chest, and twice in the nethers.

Then, because of what she had done to Hip Hop, NWA burst in and shot Arlene’s now nearly bloodless corpse 18 more times. Then Tupac’s ghost shat ghost poop on Ms. Arlene Patterson, and then released four more never before heard tracks, one of which was suspiciously called “dead teacher I ghost pooped on”.

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Superman vs Iron Man

(Editor’s Note: To the douchebag on Fark who couldn’t figure out from the images and the constant references by name that we were talking about Hal Jordan last week because we didn’t specify that in that in the title, for our purposes, Iron Man is Tony Stark. Not James Rhodes, not Ozzy Ozbourne, not even your mom.)

Rob: Well, straight out of the gate we need to clear a few things up. Firstly, it’s pretty clear the Man of Steel isn’t made of steel, and Iron Man isn’t made of iron. This is a metallurgical nightmare. Both of these guys are probably other types of alloys, and fridge magnets may or may not stick to them.

Next, on a more serious note, and since I don’t want to be accused of having no genitals again, nor the ability to seduce a woman- both of which are irrefutably true, but irrelevant to my opinion as a comedian- I have some concerns about just how strong Superman is. Supes is either somewhere on the scale between a very, very strong human being, or omnipotently strong in a Greek God kind of way. In various mediums, Superman has been punched hard by humans and rattled, or he has been totally unaffected. I’m saying this because, either the Iron Man suit would make this fight interesting, or Superman would crush Tony Stark inside of the suit like an aluminum can filled with styrofioam- No, I don’t know why in this simile the aluminum can is filled with styrofoam. Maybe it’s because the Nerdosphere knows I have no genitals, and so I have time to fill aluminum cans with styrofoam and crush them just for shits and giggles.

And, lest we forget,  we’re leaving aside whether kindly ‘ol Kal-El would actually hurt someone to death- again, this is Friday Night Fight, not Sunday Tea and Biscuits. Again though, we’re presuming Supes in in a killy mood.

So, taking into account that it is hard to judge just how strong Superman is, and just how melty is x-ray/heat vision is, and just how much oxygen is in Iron man’s suit, this could be interesting. Nonetheless, if we look at Superman’s most awesome moments, and assume those are the standard, we’re going to have to assume Super Man wins. Oh, Of course Tony Stark has the financial abillity for find lots of Kryptonite too, but even so…

Decision: Superman

Dave: Well, it’s a sad day for Iron Man. As with all brackets, there are bound to be some early mismatches. That’s what makes the whole bracket concept work. Iron Man had the bad luck to square off against the Super Hero of Super Heros. He’s wishing he could have taken on Daredevil (but who isn’t?). For the sake of argument, let’s give Tony Stark a fighting chance. Let’s say he knows about Superman, that he knows about the Kryptonite thing. Tony Stark flies out into space and procures some big K. he flies back to Earth, and stands just behind the Kryptonite, encased in lead, waiting for Supes. As he stands there, gloating, telling Superman about how he knows about this weakness, Superman grabs Iron Man, and takes him back into orbit, in say, a fifth of a second. Assuming a fight to the death, Tony Stark becomes fuel for the Sun moments later.

That’s a best case scenario for Iron Man. Besides, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr’s charm aside) is a huge, government registration program loving douchebag, and The Avengers are boring as shit.

Superman takes this without even wrinkling the tights.

Decision: Superman

TONY:

IRON MAN: You’re the man of Steel huh? Well I’m the man of Iron and THESE are my kryptonite laced REPULSOR RAYS!!!

SUPERMAN: Great Caesar’s Ghost!!!!

IRON MAN: Really? You say that? Without irony?

SUPERMAN: Cut me some slack, I was raised in Kansas

IRON MAN: When I’m done kicking your ass here, I’m going to get my publicity department to work on a better catchphrase for you.

SUPERMAN: I’m actually more famous than you. Without a publicity department. And you’re starting to annoy me and that is a collossally bad idea.

IRON MAN: Who’s the brunette in the stands…? One of yours? nice…I like em with a little spunk.

SUPERMAN: Oh, it’s on, Iron Bitch

Again, I am making the assumption that Tony is given time to research and create a “Supermanbuster” armor complete with Kryptonite repulsor rays, and perhaps even made of a Kryptonite alloy. Surely no disagrees that he has the resources, and the smarts to do this. This has been done to Supes twice before, and it only worked once, and the guy in the suit was Batman. And even he had to feign death to capitalize on his advantage. But Tony is an EXPERT at creating armor. This is not a side project it’s his life’s work. Surely his suit would be among the ones that actually beat Superman, right?

Well if it were straight up hand to hand, and the armour was made of Kryptonite alloy, and he nailed him good with the Krypto repulsers maybe, and again just maybe because if Stark fucks up even once, it’s over. And no matter what people say, Clark is no dummy. He’s got few tricks up his sleeve as well. Ol Supes has an ace in the hole. He can heat Tony’s armor to intolerable levels from accross the arena without getting anywhere near the Krypto suit, assuming he can stay clear of the repulsor rays, and given his super speed I’m going to say yes, he can do that. Or he could freeze it up from a distance. And if there ISN’T a Krypto alloy in the suit? Well…remember that scene in Superman where he squeezed coal into a diamond? Say hello to the Stark Memorial Diamond.

I’m sure Tony thought he’d take care of Supes, have a shower, then nip over to Lois’s place for a few cocktails and an “Exclusive interview” but his cockiness will undo him. Superman is altogether just too …Super. I know one thing though. I would totally want to see this as a movie.
Decision: Superman

The Winner…Superman!

Once again The Correctness is unanimous. And if you are here from Fark, as many were last week, welcome back, and please stop yelling at us. We are primarily a comedy site. No one here actually thought Green Lantern was bitten by a radioactive lantern. Next week…oh I don’t know how about a little Hulk vs. Hellboy? Tony is a notorious Hulk fanboy…this ought to be interesting. Stay tuned!

Dear Skype:

Attached is an article which references how audio feedback is created, and prevented. Perhaps, and I am just throwing this out there, you guys could read it before you do your next software revision.

Also, if you could spend some time  learning how to properly code, work on your latency issues (which I have not experienced as extensively with other chat protocol), improve the retinally-detaching-hodge-podge-of-cute-meets-modern interface of your program, and inspect the insidious core audio problems which made my recording session last evening an unenfuckjoyable nightfuckmare of obscure routing issues, that would be really cool of you guys.

Hey, thank you, really, for providing this awesome free service. I  would absolutely consider paying for Skype if I wanted to have more conversations that are like shouting across a canyon which is separated from the other side, visually, by a glass block wall that pixelates the universe into meaninglessness.

Sample conversation:

Friend: How do you like my dress?

Me: All I see are cream coloured squares

Friend: How about this silver bracelet.

Me: I see black squares.

Friend: What’s wrong with your computer?

Me: What did you say?

Friend: I said what’s wrong with your computer?

Me: You sound like a Cylon swalled a ring-modulator, and then had sex with a vocoder, producing a retarded robot baby. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Friend: What?

I have never had an online experience quite like Skype, except for the last time I installed Skype and it kept crashing both my computer and Logic 7. At least now, your newest software only interferes unfathomably with Logic 8 and the other audio software including iTunes.  iTunes, you guys, the internal mic was switching on while I was listening to iTunes.

Short list of programs no normal human has a problem with : iTunes. End of list.

In fact, I am thrilled to announce that I may have to reinstall my OS to correct the pervasive issues- though, again, to your credit, my computer didn’t constantly crash, it only began to feedback at outrageous volumes every time it made a noise.

Living with Skype was like living with a ghost- I could hear the sound of myself typing in my headphones, whether or not my preference were set to use the internal mic or not. I was haunted by weird crystalline sounds, pops, hisses and, what I can only presume to have been Brian Eno albums, regardless of  booting up Skype. How in God’s name the poltergeist switched off the pads for my active monitors I have no idea, but thank you for the 140 watt surprise at midnight two nights ago. I will forward the letter from my condo board. That’s why I am now constantly using my headphones instead of my studio monitors. Hey, do you guys know what it is like to wear over-the-ear headphones in a concrete apartment building in 30 degree heat? I do.  One is forced, eventually, to use rubbing alcohol to swab one’s ear cups to prevent headphone mildew.

Someday, I hope that the technology improves enough to the point where I could pick up some kind of hand-held device and have a conversation in real time. Yes, something I could hold in my hand, and then talk into. Something with both a microphone and a speaker built into it, that allowed me to hear a conversation held over long distances. I would certainly be willing to pay 15 cents a minute for such a device to have the privilege of immediacy and consistency. Something that rings when someone calls me. Something I don’t have to be there to answer. SOMETHING LIKE A TELEPHONE! You guys have taken 120 year old technology, and made it worse. If you are going to reinvent the hammer, be sure the product you are offering is better than a hammer, and not just metal stick that can be used as a hammer, that also offers the bonus functionality of allowing me to poke things with it, stick like, and has a row of LED lights on it to show if I’m using the hammer or not.

Sincerely,

RobbieRobTown

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Audio_feedback