Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week, we have Marvel’s “The Defenders”, a team of non-teamers, taking on DC’s non-continuity darlings “The Watchmen, who somehow got on the roster when no one was watching them.

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

TEAMS

The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk) versus

The Watchmen (Dr. Manhattan, Rorschach, Nite Owl, Comedian, Ozymandius)

Enough! Time to fight!

TBINNS

Large blue man, comes into arena, points his finger, The Defenders become “ The Disintegrators.”

End of Battle.

Or is it?

Believe it or not I don’t think Dr. Manhattan is the guy that’s going to win this for the Watchmen…if they win it at all. The real ace in the hole here is Ozymandias. In fact it could just be a chess game between Strange and Ozymandias

Not only is Doctor Manhattan vulnerable to magic, which means Strange could take him out of the picture fairly easily, but there is also the Silver Surfer, who with the Power Cosmic is kind of like a mini- Manhattan on his own. Any disintegrated molecules could conceivably just be re-integrated by the Surfer.

So Ozzy really has his work cut out for him. His strategy has got to be a) Protect Manhattan, keep him in the fight, b)Take out Strange and the Surfer all while fending off the muscle, Namor and, oh yeah THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

But Adrian is the smartest man in the world. He saved mankind from itself in the greatest Giant Squid Switcheroo of all time. Surely if anybody can find a way out of this, he can.

Right?

Right?

So what can he do? Well naturally he goes to Dr. Manhattan and asks him to look ahead in the future to see how the battle turns out.

“It’s not very clear…something appears to be blocking my perception of future events”

Alright. Let’s send Rorschach over to that little brownstone in Midtown and break a couple of very crucial hands…but good luck finding it behind all the magic shielding.

Rorschach’s Journal: October 17th. Searching for Dr. Strange’s hideout. . I walk the streets and smell the reek of perfume as the tourists hurry by…to stuff themselves with rich food and scurry like bourgeois sheep to trite overpriced Broadway shows. No Happy ending here. The Fat Lady is singing, none of them hear it. They don’t feel the city crying out, corrupted to it’s very soul, screaming in the night to be put out of it’s misery with…Jesus Christ WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?

No, this is not really Adrian’s style anyway. He is more likely to find a way to unleash a demon on New York and make sure Dr. Strange is busy, or fake some sort of urgent cosmic event to call the Surfer away (Maybe a fake Galactus?) He’d have Namor arrested for crimes against humanity, have Banner sealed in a bunker underground, win the thing by default.

But he only has two days. That little stunt he pulled in The Watchmen took years and years of planning and resources. He just doesn’t have the kind of time he needs to make this work out in his favour. Ultimately I think he just runs out of runway.

So here is how this goes down. Manhattan immediately tries to disintegrate everyone. Surfer stops that from happening. The two stare at each other, fascinated, in a moment that can only be called awkwardly homoerotic. As they reach out to touch each other, and study each other on a dirty, dirty subatomic level, POOF Manhattan is gone to a whole other dimension, and imprisoned there until Dr. Strange lets him go. Fortunately, he finds it fascinating so he makes no real effort to leave.

Meanwhile, Dan hits the Hulk with everything he’s got on Archie, starting with sonics. The Comedian is on top, laughing his ass off pumping gas grenades at him.

While the Hulk covers his ears (and gets madder) Namor flies up, K.O’s the Comedian rips the roof off and tears the control panel out. Sonics stop, ship starts spinning, Hulk jumps up and takes the whole thing out with one punch. Comedian, Nite Owl and Archie, out.

Ozzy starts doing backflips and shit, only to get a facefull of Surfboard. Ozzy is out

From the shadows behind Dr. Strange, Rorschach emerges. Just as he is about to club the sorcerer supreme, whom he finds suspiciously flamboyant, strange whips around and paralyzes him with the Charm of Someshitsomewriterjustmadeup.

The Defenders gather around him.

“Yield, friend. We have no wish to harm you” says Strange

“You don’t understand…” he replies..”I’m not in this arena with you, you are in this arena with ME!!!”

“Fair Enough” says the Doctor…

Then the Hulk swats him like a fly.

So not only do the Defenders beat the Watchmen…I think they have a good shot at the whole enchilada…The Defenders are Contenders.

Winner: The Defenders

Rob:

Oh, Defenders, it had to be you up first? I’m going to have a hard time being objective about this smackdown, because you Defenders are so obviously a tragic bunch of leftovers kept around to be included in inane Marvel Summer-Super-Specials (Collect ‘em all, or you might miss it when Spidey decides to take a dump in this issue, precipitating his late arrival on planet Blargon in Amazing Spidey next month!). Well, you guys entered the fight, so you asked for it.

Let’s start with Namor, FKA The Sub-Mariner. I know what you are thinking: Wasn’t he a bad guy in the Silver Age? And the answer is, “Yes, kinda.”. Namor was a bad guy in the same way that your chain-smoking nextdoor neighbour is a bad guy. He really just wants to be left alone to die from cancer, and he’s all pissed because you complained to the condo board that he smokes so much that it comes through the drywall (through the fucking drywall! how many packs a day does that take?) and he wishes you would shut up and enjoy the cancer he is providing you for free, all at his own expense. Also, this Namor dude always looks pissy and cross, and his waxed chest is impossibly shiny- I know, I know, almost all the heroes have hair free chests, but this guy has that Mediterranean look about him, and hairlessness doesn’t seem right. I don’t trust his fishy damn plans, or his fishy Deforest Kelley raised eyebrows, which also appear to have been waxed. And that scaly Speedo? Need I go on? TINY WINGS ON HIS ANKLES?

Then there is the Silver Surfer. If I wanted to hear an emo beach kid spout psychedelic bullshit, I’d go back to my university summer job as a camp counsellor. What are the Silver Surfer’s powers? He surfs in space? Wasn’t he a herald of Galactus? Doesn’t that make him a glorified bike courier with bad news? If I got served legal papers by a mopey stoner, I’d be even more depressed than usual, and I’m not exactly Commander Peppy these days.

Doctor Strange has magic, so he’s a wild card in the Superhero universe. You might remember Doctor Strange from some of his more famous Marvel narratives like “Doctor Strange and the Philosopher’s Stone” or “Doctor Strange and the Goblet of Fire”. Gripping stuff.

So far, that’s 3 out of 4 dudes who are lacking in the masculinity department. As you recall, we have stopped using “gay” as a shorthand to describe these types of men, because it did an immense disservice to our many gay friends, some of whom are decidedly manly and rugged.  No, these guys are more just ball-shriveling disappointments to maleness. Even straight, skinny, effeminate ol’ me looks like James Bond next to these fellows, and I haven’t managed to please a woman since-like almost never. I have almost never pleased a woman, and I don’t have tiny ankle-wings making it functionally impossible, thank God.

Then there is Hulk. He is green and angry, and I have warmed up to him. I’ll miss him on the Avengers, who I also think suck, and I’ll be sorry to see the big green lug go.

The Watchmen, unlike the Defenders, are a sly satirical study on vigilanteism, and consequently appeal to my ironic sensibilities. I like them because they make me wonder about how dumb superheroes are. I like them because they raised the same questions that Kick-Ass should have raised for most people, only The Watchmen did it successfully (I’m not blaming Kick-Ass, I’m blaming the dudes laughing for the wrong reasons at the psychotic young girl stabbing people).

Anyway,  I think this fight might be decided by Doctor Manhattan. I’m aware that Doctor Strange has Eldritch Magick, but if I know my Dungeons & Dragons (and I do), I know that Doctor Strange probably requires casting time for his Magic Missile or his Fireball, and in the mean time nobody likes being boiled inside their own skin instantly. HERE IS MY PROMISE TO YOU PEOPLE: After Doctor Manhattan evaporates the Defenders, he is going to have a metaphysical crisis, and begin to wonder deeply about his role in this smackdown. That’s right, I’m only playing the Big Blue Card once. From here on out, I will have to come up with justifiable narrative reasons for Doctor Manhattan to do anything. Cool? Aw, hell, you’ll all complain anyway. I just hate the goddamn Sub-Mariner so much. TINY ANKLE WINGS?

Winner: The Watchmen

admin_rock

Oh the evil of the randomish bracket, that starts us off with Watchmen-Defenders. This one is difficult for me, as I was never much of a fan of the Defenders, as they were pretty much one of the worst possible Marvel teams. I mean, the whole concept of the team is that they weren’t really a team, and the membership rotated a fair amount. I’m pretty sure TBinns was the only one who was excited about having them in this thing. The Watchmen, on the other hand, are a pretty interesting team. I’m a huge Alan Moore fan, and The Watchmen will forever be his greatest work (V for Vendetta in close behind). They’re an actual team, though not a very powerful one, except for the big blue guy.

Tactically, we can pretty much rule out most of the Watchmen, except for Dr. Manhattan, and maaaaybe Ozymandias. I know Rorschach is badass, but honestly, against any member of the Defenders, he’s outclassed. And if we discount him, Nite Owl is also out. The Comedian might get a lick or two in, but I think he’s still outclassed.

The Hulk tears through Rorschach and The Comedian, while Namor grabs Nite Owl and lifts him a couple hundred feet in the air, and sees if an owl can fly. Ozymandias is a pretty clever dude, but I don’t think he can handle The Power Cosmic and Namor at once. He has a couple of days to learn about them, but there’s too much speed, skill and class here. We’re talking about a former herald of Galactus, who can exist indefinitely in space.

So it comes down to this: Can Dr. Manhattan work up the interest to fight? If so, we have a Super Omega class being taking on 3 mortals and a space surfer. Really, the only question is “Can Dr. Strange’s magic take out Dr. Mathattan.” I’m gonna go ahead and say no. My reasoning? Well, even if Dr. Strange can transport him to another dimension, or tear him apart with mystical forces, we’re dealing with a being that was able to reassemble himself at the molecular level. I imagine in his mind, he’s suddenly confused as reality is altered in front of him. He frowns momentarily, and then resets his position. This comes down to two guys who can bout it out at the molecular level. I think the Surfer is the ONLY character who would have a shot at taking out Dr Manhattan, and he’s more than able to do it, as not only can he mirror the Doc’s power, but also go well beyond. It’s either a week long fight where nothing visible happens, or it’s over in an instant. But I think the Surfer comes out on top. (Weird, a totally overpowered Marvel character??? That NEVER happens. Look, I know DC has a gotten a bad rep for this, but honestly people, wake up. Other than Superman, I don’t see it. On the other hand, we have, in Marvel, a guy who manipulate metal at a molecular level and create black holes, the Power Cosmic, which allows people to also create black holes, and well, Squirrel Girl.)

I give this one to The Defenders.

Winner: The Defenders

Decision: The Defenders

So The Defenders move on to face the winner of Week 3 (The Avengers vs Alpha Flight). Tune in next week to see who comes out on top in the JLA vs Fantastic Four. Call us names, tell us why we’re wrong, and generally spout off below.

The full bracket can be seen here

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

This week Batman vs Rorschach. (Ed: For our purposes, Bruce Wayne is The Batman.)

DAVE

The trouble with this week’s matchup is that it takes Batman, who has no powers, and relies on his training (impressive as it is) and matches him up with Rorschach, who has no powers and only wishes he had the kind of skills The Bat has.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Rorschach. He’s bad ass, he fights the good fight, doesn’t compromise, and follows leads like a bloodhound. He went out hard, like a man. On the negative side, he’s a ginger. yikes!

But honestly, no amount of sugar cubes is going to stop the fear-inspiring, relentless avenger of the night that is Batman. Batman no only wins, he probably owns the technology and the factory that makes that nice ink blot material.

Winner: Batman

TONY:

Batman: You aren’t in New York anymore Rorschach. The killing stops now.

Rorschach: Hmmm. Legendary Batman. Soft like the rest of them. Has underage ward. Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.

Batman: Hey stop that!

Rorschach: Stop what?

Batman: That! Talking all gravelly like me.

Rorschach: This is how I talk. Not making fun. You stop.

Batman: No YOU!

Rorschach: No you!

Batman: No You!

Rorschach: Make me.

Batman: I will, wanna know why?

Rorschach: Why?

Batman: cus I’M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!!!!

Later period painful Frank Millerisms aside, I have to say it’s not a question of who wins. Batman wins. Any other answer is ludicrous. In Batman Year One (Back when Frank Miller was less ridiculous) Batman was trapped in a building by dozens of cops, and an entire swat team and made it out without getting caught. He also managed to make everyone within a two mile radius have to get rabies shots as a final “fuck you.”. Rorschach was in a similar situation with significantly fewer cops and he was all “Waaaah Gimme back my face!!!”

So as I said, no question. Batman has too much training, too many gadgets, and is too bad ass. Yes, Rorschach is a little more bugnuts, and will kill someone without a second thought…but Batman doesn’t have to. He knows a million ways to hurt you. And that’s all he needs.

The real question is, how much of a fight will Rorschach put up? And I’m going to go on record as saying his ferocity and toughness will surprise old bats, and I bet Walter would even get a few good shots in. And I hope he enjoys them because that’s all he’s getting.

Winner: The Goddamn Batman.

ROB:

Well, I think a part of the issue here is that we only get to see Rorschach fight a few times, and we have to imagine how awesome he is. And let’s not beat around the bush, Rorschach is awesome, like, um,  he is AWESOME.  That thing in the prison with the fryer? AWESOME. Now, there is plenty of Batman canon, so we have tonnes of examples of how much ass he kicks, including Superman’s at one point. Nonetheless, I think this fight might be interesting.

Both of these men are crazy, yes, but both are also stubborn detectives with sociopathic minds. Both have had difficult childhoods, and both prefer to hide behind a mask to get more done.

Now, look, I’d love to give this one to Rorschach, but I know that based on years of evidence, this is all going to go to Batman. Nonetheless, Rorschach might get seriously stabby and very killy, whereas Batman wouldn’t do that. Then Rorschach, after awesomely wounding Batman would get locked up in Arkham Asylum, and then the Joker would be WAY creeped out by him.

Winner of the fight: Batman, by making sure his armour is fastened properly.

Winner of most plausible and creepy dialogue: Rorschach

Batman takes the fight unanimously.

Next week: Captain America vs Wonder Woman. Amazon might vs American Boy Scout.

Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.