So, at the beginning of the Superteam Smackdown (which you can find up at the top under the Smackdown tag), we declared a comment insult contest. The deal was that whomever insulted us the best would receive a Correctness T-Shirt. Now, you, the reading public, would have no way to know the following

1) It was Tbinns and RobbieRobTown that decided to give away a Correctness t-shirt as the prize.
2) The only person who has ever made Correctness t-shirts is katewares (mrs admin_rock).
3) Tbinns and RobbieRobTown, for all their comedic brilliance and wit, have the follow through of a 7 year old with ADHD in a room full of toys.

Like many a parent before me, I watched their pledge and promise, knowing full well I would end up feeding, walking, and cleaning up after their idea. Seriously, ask the winners of…um…. any of our contests.

So, here we are in January. The Team Smackdown ended in Nov. As of yet, no winner has been declared. I’m giving Tbinns a hall pass on this one, as he’s been busy with a baby at home. I asked RobbieRobTown a couple of times whether he had a winner in mind, without answer.No worries, nothing a punch in the balls won’t smooth over.

Then I made up my mind, and (after asking katewares) have decided to declare a winner and present them with a shirt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Tomass, Undead Father, Stinkbeard

3rd Place:

SpcMIKE

“I spent all weekend trying to find new ways to insult the manhood/intelligence/mother/sexual inadequacy of RobbieRobTown, but to be honest his post was just so lacking any redeeming comedic value that I am just at a loss. Clearly nothing is more insulting than his writing this week.”

2nd place:

Iron Patriot

Hillary Clinton pleasuring herself with a dildo made of jagged glass would be more visually appealing than this dreck, but only if Natalie Portman is there to lap up the… blood. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

The Winner:

spcMIKE

Somebody asked me today why I would care enough about canadians to insult them. And I thought about it and I really can’t answer why.
I mean I’ve spent the last few weeks waiting to be entertained by your little stories, and nothing. Maybe I started out on too high of note with radioactive lanterns and such, but it just seems like RobbieRobTown spends the vast majority of his time giving himself rectal exams and has no time left to even try to be funny. Lets face it, at this point Sarah Palin can write better entries.
All I know is that is I ever need moose jizz I just need to pump RobbieRobTown’s stomach. Because lets face it, the only thing he’s good for is orally pleasuring male ungulates.

The winning entry combines a lot of things: Insults about our nationality, implications of RobbieRobTown’s sexual orientation, and a subtle mention of the unimportance of even insulting us.

Well done spcMIKE! drop us a line at thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com with your shirt size and mailing info, and we’ll send your homemade iron-on correctness shirt prize off asap.

For the rest of you, we’re working on being able to provide correctness shirts via the web, probably cafepress or something similar.

So, like a bad issue of “What If” (and really, most issues were bad), we tried to imagine a world where the Team Smackdown was won by someone other than the X-Men. We left it to you, The Correct, to decide. And you spoke, clearly, loudly, and with no regard for conformity!

You chose… RobbieRobTown. I’ll leave it to him to come up with the narrative of how he beat the X-Men, but I suspect it has something to do with Marmalade, and Kitty Pryde. Or possibly Kitty Pryde in Marmalade, with no one else around. Either way, I’m reserving an early copy.

Second place went to Casual Wear. We’re very proud of Casual Wear at The Correctness. It went from a not-so-funny one liner to a permanent place in our Tag Cloud. Now, it can add “placed in poll” to its accomplishments. Take that Thor!

The other assorted superteams gathered a few votes each, The Justice League taking top honors amongst real comic book teams.

If I haven’t been distracted between now and then, there’s a new poll on your right to vote in, as well as a cool amazon store thingy that we’re getting sorted out at the top right.

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Dear Supposed RobbieRobTown Fan club:

Some time ago, TBinns became convinced there was a vast, sexy conspiracy surrounding me. As a consequence of his delusion about my “fan club”, TBinns suggested we hold a contest to win a Dream Date with yours truly.

Here are some contest Fun Facts:

Total number of entries: 2.

Total qualifying entries based on rules: 0

Number of times Emma Stone, who I specifically invited to enter the contest, entered the contest: 0

TBinns is a dear friend, and certainly must not have intended to prove how immensely and universally disinteresting I am to women, gay men, and the complexly transgendered.  Nonetheless, he has proven that only people who have personally met me are interested in a date with me, and my writing does not, in fact, speak for itself as some hilarious envoy of my sex appeal. My writing, in terms of its metaphorical function in acting on my behalf, is less like an diplomatic envoy, and more like an out of date newsletter with a strip of tearaway numbers, perhaps advertising the sale of a NES or a used mattress. There are bite marks on the controller from my sister.

Now, to be fair, the stakes may have been a bit high, the pressure is always on you folks to say “the funnies”, and I am sorry if that dissuaded any of you from entering. God knows, I feel the hot breath of the failure monster down my neck every time I submit the briefest quip to this intimidating website. Let’s take a moment to congratulate our two brave  entrants for their work:

NotVictoria (whose name is actually Victoria) submitted a literal dream date she had with me in it, during which I committed felonies, apparently. Victoria was sadly disqualified because I can’t really make her dreams come true, nor can I eat at McDonalds without experiencing immediate, and violent, diarrhea. She is the winner by default though, and we are arranging dinner, anywhere but fucking McDonalds, that greasy nightmare fuckhole.

Irene (whose real name is Irene) submitted an excellent date involving passage aboard the Nostromo, and a show at Westworld, amongst other things. Irene was disqualified purely because of distance, she is in Singapore currently.

Emma Stone was disqualified by not entering at all, likely due to her fear that I am an insane fan who would harm her. I would not, but I guess young Hollywood can’t be too careful these days. Plus, she has never met me, and consequently has no idea of my improbable personal charm. She would be tearing my phone number off and shopping for a NES.

I think this should put to rest any questions any of you may have had about me, the contest, or Emma Stone.

Next contest: Name TBinns Baby! Rules: TBinns will name his baby whatever you suggest, no matter how stupid. Contest closes in 7 months or so…

P.S. Currently seeking the Ramona Flowers to my Scott Pilgrim- Though, if you are Kim Pine, that might be cooler…

This shameless promo photo of RobbieRobTown by Tyler Stalman at www.stalman.com is just the sort of thing I'm complaining about.

Dear “Sirs”:

This is the last time I visit your appalling website. I was here minding my own business, reading your supposedly “amusing” articles, when I stumbled across this tedious, self aggrandizing nonsense form your staff writer TBinns. I found the whole thing sickening, and you can read it here if you dare to be sickened:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/blackout-a-work-of-microfiction-by-tony-binns/

I couldn’t believe your collective gall. Your collective gall is huge and swollen. Your gall is so swollen it is making you impudent.

The internet is no place for advertising. It is an immense public forum that runs on goodwill, and charitable government servers, and rainbow kisses. Primarily rainbow kisses. I would be immensely, immensely disturbed if anyone were to mention that RobbieRobTown has a musical going up at the Edmonton Fringe Festival. Why would you bother to tell me that he has written all the music, or that he is starring in the show? That sort of corporate pandering is deplorable, gentlemen. We have all had enough quirky puppet musicals with banjos. The Muppets got there first, and Jim Henson controls the copyright to all things fabric with banjos.

Imagine how angry I would be if you provided information about the songs, some of which can be found here:

http://www.myspace.com/robmitchelson

I would be disgusted if you pointed out that I could listen to songs from the show on that page. Furthermore, if you had the audacity to mention the following:

Rob Mitchelson’s Music n’ Such | Promote your Page too

Then I would throw up in my mouth, again and again, until the puke leaked out my nose, and possibly ears. That would be quite a feat, as I do not believe the Eustachian tube functions like that. At least the puke blockage would prevent me from hearing those catchy pop songs.

I will certainly not attend this event at any of the following times:

The Tornado: A Musical Prairie Tragicomedy runs at the Edmonton International Fringe Festival from August 12-22, 2010 at the Strathcona Branch of EPL (8331-104th Street).
August 13 10:15 pm
August 14 4:00 pm
August 15 5:30pm
August 17 6:30 pm
August 18 9:30 pm
August 19 1:45 pm
August 20 6:00 pm
August 21 2:00 pm
August 22 7:30 pm.

Who do you people think you are? I am tired of hearing about the intriguing narrative, the “fringe genre” story choices or the fabulous special guest stars as the titular Tornado nightly. What kind of show called “Tornado: A Musical Prairie Tragicomedy” would let hilarious Canadian theatre celebrities take on the most important role?

I am leaving this site forever and never coming back. I seriously mean it, not like those other people who have left the site forever and are never coming back, who you can read all about here:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/cult-diaries/

Sincerely,
Some Angry Dude

P.S. Don’t you dare refer me to the website of that talented photographer.

http://www.stalman.com/