Open Letter to the Prejudiced Dickhole T-Shirt sales “man”.
Apr29

Open Letter to the Prejudiced Dickhole T-Shirt sales “man”.

Size Small? How hard is this?

Dear Dickhole:

All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you:

You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything?

Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small?

You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions.

Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right?

You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there.

Me: I beg your Pardon?

You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man.

Me: I see…

You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff.

Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on…

You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?

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Hypocrisy defined for Dawn Soap:
Sep22

Hypocrisy defined for Dawn Soap:

Oh, hey, Dawn Soap.

Um, so I think it’s great you can be used to scrub crude oil off of ducks, and stuff.

Um, but, um, do you need to be used to scrub simulated oil off of real marine animals in your ads?

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American Apparel and the End of Days
Aug25

American Apparel and the End of Days

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90’s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

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1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

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A Minor Grammatical Concern Re: “Literally”.
Aug17

A Minor Grammatical Concern Re: “Literally”.

File under: Awkward Usage, Modern language, “Literally”

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Hello, Modern Language Users:

Um, hey, gosh guys, I’m not sure how to put this. You know when you say things like “That was literally the biggest meal ever”, or “That was literally off the hizzy”? You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, about that…

Yeah, um, I’m no Grammar Nazi, I mean, not anymore, and I certainly enjoy the flexibility of writing in this casual style. It’s just that I think what you think “literally” means isn’t what it means? Ya know?…

Read on here…

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The Correctness Explains
Jul16

The Correctness Explains

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The Correctness has been receiving a fair amount of e-mail looking for clarifications and understand about plot points in famous films. We, as always, are correct, and aim to spread understanding in these cases. Let us begin.

Dear Correctness,

Was the gun that Edward Norton’s character uses at the end of Fight Club real, or was it imaginary like Tyler Durden?

Jim in Brooklyn

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