Fanboys is exactly the movie I would write…if I was completely ignorant about plot structure, plausibility, character, dialogue, and humour. But I would totally do a ton of Star Wars and Rush jokes.

Where do I start?

How about the guy who is dying of cancer that doesn’t look or act even remotely ill? I don’t think he should be staggering around like a holocaust victim or anything, but from what I’m lead to understand nothing kicks your ass like a round of chemo. Also, from what I’m told cancer flat out hurts like a bitch. Yes the human spirit can triumph over these things, and we often hear about good souls fighting the good fight and living their lives as close as they can to normal. But those people are usually wearing a cap to hide hair loss…have dark circles under the eyes SOMETHING!!! This guy was tear-assing around the country, getting into fist fights, running away from guards, you name it. He passes out once… (Out of a moving vehicle no less) but then pointless cameo number 245 lets him go with a prescription and a smooch. Perhaps, in the early stages, all that running around would be possible, but with less than a year to go? I’m no cancer expert but when my Dad had it, he had to be helped to the bathroom in the last six months, fleeing from a mob of angry Trekkies was not in the cards.

I suppose casting Kirsten Bell as a Fanboy dream girl is a no brainer. But lets be honest, the character is tacked on and poorly written. Far be it from me to complain when they find a cheap excuse to put her in the metal bikini, but she is a one dimensional nerd fantasy. Now, speaking as a nerd who got a hottie, I won’t call it too much a stretch that she digs the Jay Burachel character. I just would have like to have seen more of an indication of that dropped throughout the movie. It seemed an abrupt shift when suddenly she’s all pissy with him for talking to another girl. Plus, written as she is as the ultimate Geekette, it seems implausible to me that Jay’s character wouldn’t be crazy about her from the start.

I got this from the internet. I did not have to watch the movie at all. If this is the only rteason you are renting it...don't.

Let’s talk Deus Ex Mechina, shall we? Yeah, the big one at the end of Avatar was and eye roller to be sure, but I counted no less than 4 in this movie. , The Chief, Harry Knowles, Kirsten Bell and finally, the phantom presence of Lucas himself. They blow a tire, go into a biker bar, which turns out to be a Gay biker bar in which the patrons force our heroes to perform a striptease, on a stage that already has lights and a couple of poles.

I’m already on the I-90 well on the way to Whatthefuckville at this point.

After painting themselves into that little corner, the writers decide that the dude who played Machete is going to step in and say “Shows over” rescue the gang, get them high on Peyote and fix their van free of charge, even though there is no sign of a garage or a spare tire ANYWHERE!!!

Then after they get arrested for a high speed chase and a package full of Peyote, with seemingly no hope, once again they are saved by piss poor writing. (And Kristen Bell) Why the hell did this woman drop everything to fly across the country and bail these guys out? Has she ever heard of wiring money? Phoning around? Contacting a Bail bondsman? And don’t you think, that seeing as how they destroyed public property, went on a high speed chase AND were caught with the Peyote they wouldn’t get off so light? Not to mention the fact that a condition of your bail is often NOT LEAVING THE STATE which they IMMEDIATELY DO?

Come to the end of a plot hole? No way into the Ranch? Kung Fu Harry Knowles to the Rescue. First of all, have you people seen Harry Knowles? He can’t walk, much less beat anyone up. But you know what? Now that I think about it, that’s probably the joke. Harry Knowles as a bad ass. Ha ha. Fine , whatever. But if Harry Knowles had all this info and contacts don’t you think Harry Knowles…of all people, would , you know…SEE THE MOVIE?

And then after committing YET ANOTHER CRIME while out on bail, and being captured by THX 1138 security guards, The Great Hand of Lucas lets them off again…after yet another quiz, much like Harry Knowles before them.

It’s a fantasy…I get it, it’s just a goofy little geek comedy. However, REFERENCES ARE NOT ENOUGH!!! I got all the”jokes”; I know who the cameos were, I even knew the answers to all of the questions in the quiz scenes that inexplicably kept popping up. But that isn’t enough to keep me entertained. Nobody likes a good Rush joke more than me, lord knows I have born the brunt of them over the years, but these weren’t good. It’s like they expected the fact that Rush was mentioned a couple of times would be enough to get me excited. Well, it was enough to get me to watch it, but not enough to get me to enjoy it.

Oh, and in Return of the Jedi? Han Solo totally IS a bitch.

I was basically minding my own business at the university, as I usually do. You know, just eating some inexpensive plain rice, and watching girls go by.  Maybe this is a bit autobiographical, but ever since 1/3 of The Correctness went back to school, a lot of the young girls seem way more retarded than they seemed the first time around.

So, there I was eating my rice and watching the fifteenth or sixteenth 19 year old girl get snowed by some 3rd year psychology student who wanted to just go somewhere private with her and “Just people-watch for fun.”, when my friend Kimura came over. He gave me the usual hello by allowing an implausible large smile to appear instantly on his face, blushing violently, and having his eyes disappear into tight lines in the folds of his cheeks.

Anywho, suddenly the sky in the student centre went all multicoloured and blurry, and the camera panned around to my arch nemesis Hiroko. For those of you uninformed, you can easily spot Hiroko as my arch nemesis because his hair is taller, more spiky, and more blonde than mine.

“So, RobbieRobTown, we meet again, only this time I control the DrakkBattle Cubes!” said Hiroko, as the multicoloured pastel background reflected in his huge glossy eyes. He held aloft his Battlecard BallPower StickSpoon 9Mech.

“Oh no!” Said a terrified Kimura, “Hiroki has come to battle your DigiGen GI-Force BakuSushiMon, but your HamsterMon is weak from battling the KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X!”.

Kimura could not have been more right. Only last week while I had been waiting in a very long line for rice (Because it is shorter than the Tim Horton’s line by a significant margin.), I was forced to battle my tired HamsterMon.  The KudoChan Rin Tin GunTulli Force X was in line ahead of me, and changed his order several times.

The camera (I already mentioned the camera, but there is a camera in the student centre that follows me) snap-zoomed in on my face, and I held an angry stare with Hiroko.

I turned to face Hiroko. “Not so fast, Hiroko, I have been training my trading card/ arm holstered/ real life creature/ video game thing HamsterMon, and I  have already played the MechaTornadonite Cretttt Nort, and I am ready for this battle!”

Suddenly, the card-stock illustrated character creatures on our cards magnified to 50 times their original size. My once cute HamsterMon sprouted green spikes and razor sharp teeth on his Digigyoza Anus.

Hiroko’s TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series drooled acid onto the floor, melting a 19 year old girl.

“You cannot defeat me now!” Said Hiroko. “Your HamsterMon is too weak! And with the DrakkBattle Cubes activated, you have lost all your reversal MonCheeto Ran Ran Reduxite points!”

“But you have forgotten one thing!” I said, pausing for dramatic effect while our giant drooling monsters didn’t actually fight, but instead waited around while we discussed a card game/ plastic ball battle that was somehow simultaneously literal and metaphorical. “I have activated the Gotogoto Tenfive Z lore cards! And because I have Jandu’s Ring of Lunghat, Your DrakkBattle Cubes are in reversal Clamato mode!”

Suddenly, our two montsters leapt into the air, and yet with very little movement, attacked each other! They made several quickly edited but limited motions, and as they collided and struck each other flashes of light obscured the action.

Finally, without any sense being made, HamsterMon shrunk back into a regular hamster, and nuzzled into my neck. Meanwhile, Hiroko’s hideous TurtleJesusNondaiMon Red Series turned back into a collectible playing card, instead of a small living creature.

Then I bled profusely from my eyes due to massive brain trauma. That was pretty much my Thursday.