Memo from: God Almighty

To: Harold Camping

Re: The Rapture

Dear Harold,

Do I go to your crappy radio station and start telling you how to do your job? Then why, Harold, do you insist on telling me how to do mine? I would have thought the whole 1998 incident; or rather non incident would have clued you in that I don’t play that. I didn’t create this world for the sheer joy of wrecking it later. I am not a 6 year old with Legos, Harold…and frankly I’m getting a little tired of this.

How would you like it if I started putting up billboards all over town saying you were going to murder millions of people? How would that make you feel? Or maybe I wouldn’t do that because I’m the creator of the Universe and I DON’T NEED THE MONEY!

That’s right Harold. I’m omnipotent…I know EXACTLY how much you make in donations after one of your little pronouncements. Are you rendering unto Caesar what is his? No? I didn’t think so.

The fact is, I work in mysterious ways, and even if I DO decide to shut the whole thing down, the LAST person I would tell is a crotchety old attention whoring fear mongering fraud like you.

You know what else I saw? The woman who cut her two kids throats with a box cutter because she was convinced the Rapture was coming. I am holding her responsible for that, but I’m also YOU responsible for that, Harold. There’s going to be a Rapture alright. The only one taken up will be you, and you and I are going to have a little chat about this face to face. You might want to bring some burn ointment.

In short, shut your me damned mouth, you idiot. I didn’t create the universe so little bullies like you can go around yipping that it’s coming to an end.

Shape up or else.

G.

P.S. While you are at it lay off the Gays. If I didn’t want them there I wouldn’t have made them that way.

Dear Morrigan,

You are a Grade A Bitch.

Every time I try and pick up an item you stand too close and I end up talking to you when I have other things to do. You complain when I ask you to do anything. You give me bad advice. You are arrogant and snide and I have to put up with it because you are apparently the only mage I’m going to get.

You disapprove of everything I do, and give me morale minuses up the ying yang unless I shower you with gifts. I actually told you you were a bitch once, and got even more minuses. You walk around in your little half top like you own Ferelden and treat me like dirt.

You are a stuck up, self important snotty little bitch goddess.

I think I love you.

Dear Joe Jackson

If you have indeed seen gorillas walking with pretty women down your street perhaps you should be less concerned about who your ex is dating and more concerned about calling the Animal Control people.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Guy in Detroit Rock City,

To answer your last (final?) question about why your are going to die, it has to do with a fatal combination of speed, your self confessed inability to turn in time, the gigantic truck bearing down on you and some rather elementary physics. If you have any further questions…oh. Too late, never mind.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Beatles

I feel it would be remiss of me not to point out that there are, in fact only 7 days in a week. Perhaps in future you should not put Ringo in charge of the calendar. Or scheduling.

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear Sympathy for the Devil Guy.

I give up. I have no idea what your name is. Perhaps if you stopped hooting and dropping oblique hints and just told me , (Or perhaps worn a nametag?) our conversation might have gone a lot smoother.

P.S. Why were you out jogging with David Lee Roth?

Sincerely,

TBinns

Dear War,

After an informal poll with many of my friends, I have found that pretty much none of them know the low rider. Perhaps you could give the low rider a Facebook page to improve it’s profile.

Sincerely,

Tbinns

Dear Glass Tiger,

Please accept my apologies, as I totally forgot you when you were gone. Practically the very minute you left. And I must confess some part of me was relieved.

Sincerely,

Tbinns

Dear Beyonce,

YOUR left or MY Left? Stage Left? please clarify.

Sincerely,

TBinns