It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of superheros, and comic books. Also, love going to movies. But I’ve come to a conclusion, one that might seem incredulous or shocking on the surface: Hollywood needs to stop making superhero movies.

(Scapulaman, possibly the next big superhero film?)

Maybe not entirely, but 94% of the projects in development should just be scrapped. No Avengers, No Iron Man 3, No Thor, No Spider-Man 4. No prequels, no origin stories, nothing. We’ll let the 3rd Dark Knight movie go ahead, but after that, let’s ban them from Hollywood for another 5 years or so.

And here’s why: I’m getting sick of them. There’s too god-damned many of them. It’s like an ice cream sandwich. If you haven’t had one in forever, they taste awesome. You can’t believe you went that long without one. But if you then go on an almost exclusive diet of ice cream sandwiches, you can’t stand the f*cking sight of them.

The first stage of the superhero movie film is the rumors. The studio says they have a director on board to make Scapulaman in to a film. The internet lights up with every fanboy douchebag offering up their pearls of wisdom as to whom should play Scapulaman, which, while they all think they’re Einstein, usually comes down to “Nathan Fillion or Ryan Reynolds”. I have nothing against either of them, but they’d be the first to tell you they’re not the answer to all the questions Hollywood has to ask. The actual casting is released, and fanboys once again rail to the heavens about how terrible it is, or alternately, hold a Hawaiian-themed jizzfest about how Fillion was born to play Scapulaman.

Then we get those same fanboys proffering plot ideas, based on their favorite (usually the worst possible) story arcs from the past. If the film in question is Batman, it’s non-stop “Harley Quinn!!!!”, if Spider-Man, some paste eater will insist that “Maximum Carnage” is the only possible story (cuz Venom wasn’t bad enough!) They continue to whip themselves into a frenzy, such that when the actual story is decided on, they’ve already decided it was a bad choice.

The press starts covering the opening of the film, and we get either shitty, error-filled articles about Scapulaman, or lengthy interviews with the terrible actress they’ve chosen to play the “love interest” (kept to 3 scenes maximum). All of which leaves the public with a skewed idea of what Scapulaman is all about.

The film opens, and the fanboys go insane, because they “got the character all wrong”, or they “changed the storyline”, or “that ISN’T scapulaman”. And usually, it’s true, because the actual story wouldn’t have appealed to every possible movie goer, so they whipped it in to a smooth pablum. Now the general public is all “meh”, because the story is very lame. The fanboys are furious because the movie isn’t what they wanted. (or alternately, none of the above happens, the story stays true to the book, and no one but the fanboys see it: Case in point, apart from the changed ending (which was still faithful to the spirit of the story), The Watchmen.)

At the end of the day, very few superhero movies are handled well, fewer still actually jump off the screen. I’m tired of the crappy ones, and most of the proposed upcoming films just look f*cking terrible. Who asked for an Ant Man movie? Who? Anybody? No, no one did. Do you know why? Because Ant Man sucks, and the fans barely tolerate him in the comics. But some asshole movie producer, whose only credit is that he worked in the mail room, then blew his boss for 2 years, has decided that the intellectual property “has legs”.

Enough. Make movies about other stuff for a while, so that we can enjoy our ice cream sandwiches again.

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

No there hasn’t been an announcement, no plans of any kind that I know of. I was just re-reading some of my Bloom County books last night. Bloom County was a staple of my high school years, and probably largely responsible for my leftist political leanings. The strip is definitely responsible for me exclaiming “Dandy!” more often than any sane person should in everyday conversation. As I was chuckling away down memory lane last night I started thinking about how a Bloom County movie might go.

I am making the following assumptions…it would be live action, with the animals being CGI ala Garfield. The Children would be unknown but talented child actors. There would probably be at least 1 musical number. And it would bomb horribly at the box office. But let’s press on and cast it anyway shall we?

STEVE DALLAS

Bloom County’s yuppie lawyer, permanent bachelor, would be ladies man and all around douchebag,. He’s the kind of guy that MTV would be falling over themselves to give a reality show to. And while his real life counterpart might be Spencer Pratt, I think he needs someone who can play a goofy, lovable douchebag, which is why my first choice is…

WILL ARNETT

First of all, he’s hysterical. He knows exactly how to turn up the slime but it’s still near impossible to hate the guy. My wife, Amber thinks he’s too goofy, and thinks Colin Farrell has more of the doucheyness required, but I think I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

CUTTER JOHN

Wheelchair bound everyman, if everyman had a cheesy mustache and feathered har. And at the time the strip was written, they totally did, so there you go. He was also, you may remember, Captain of the Starchair Enterpoop. Clearly we need someone with some captaining experience which is why I nominate…

NATHAN FILLION

If anyone can pull off the Gary Sandy Feathered hair and fireman calendar cheesy mustache it’s Mal Reynolds himself. He’s got leading man charm, good comedic chops, and the ability to be bad ass, even when stuck in a wheelchair.

BOBBI HARLOW

Granted, Bloom County is a bit of a sausage fest, but the pretty, independently minded schoolteacher Bobbi Harlow had a pretty good run early on. She dated Steve, briefly and painfully before falling for Cutter John. The triangle made for some pretty good strips, like the one above. I think it would at least make a decent subplot for the non zoological adults in the movie. My choice for Bobbi would probably be…

COBIE SMULDERS

For a couple of reasons, one, I can’t cast Anne Hathaway in EVERYTHING as much as I would like to, and 2. I think she’s underrated on How I Met Your Mother. I think a small but important role in a goofy movie might be a great way for her to break in. Also she’s Canadian. Hooray. And hot. Hooray again.

MILO , BINKLEY and OLIVER

As I said before, the kids would have to be a group of very talented unknowns, but here are a few suggestions of the TYPES you might want to look for…For Milo, I think Peter Billingsly circa 1983 is what you should be looking out for,

for Binkley a 12 year old Michael Cera type might do the trick

and for Oliver..well I’m not sure, but I know what you SHOULDN’T be looking for…

OPUS

The Icon, the Legend the Penguin. Meadow party vice presidential Candidate, Electric Tuba player, and merchandising boon. He’s sweet, vulnerable, anxiety prone, and yet oddly heroic…even brave in his own way. This was a tough one that I wasn’t able to narrow down to just one. So feel free to vote for your favorite. Candidate Number One is…

DAVID HYDE PIERCE

Opus is nothing if not erudite, and David Hyde Pierce corners the market on that. I always pictured Opus as having a slightly fussy voice it suited his vocabulary and his vulnerability. Just picture him turning to the camera and saying lines like “As God is my witness I have no idea what I should do” and “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…” But then again there is also…

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Okay, so whoever plays Opus has to have three names and be able to belt out showtunes, that much we have clearly established. NPH is fast becoming name that might actually DRAW on a marquee, owing to several levels of sheer awesomeness. Have a look at Dr. Horrible and tell me you don’t see at least SOME Opus in that performance, particularly in the song “Laundry day”

Tough choice…what do you think?

Oooh…what about Jim Parsons from Big Bang theory…DAMMIT!!!

PORTNOY and HODGE PODGE

The Abbot and Costello of Bloom County, Portnoy being the slightly more aggressive of the two. I kept wondering who would make a great comedy team, maybe a couple of guys who were already pals…so for Portnoy I went with

PATTON OSWALT

Who has a ton of voice over experience, the right attitude, and let’s face it, even kinda looks like him.

See?And as his partner in crime…

DAVID CROSS

Who is, sadly, very used to dealing with cgi animals.

Honorable metions go out to Will Ferrel as the Giant Monster in Binkleys closet, Maybe Drew Barrymore as Lola Granola, because if she married Tom Green she’d have no issue in being engaged to a penguin, Tina Fey as the Basselope…and oh yeah…Bill the Cat?

Need I say more?