Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: The second Semi-Final: Doom vs Mystique. Steel vs Blue thing.

TONY

Let’s play a game.

This game is called “How long can Mystique stay alive before Doom completely and utterly destroys her?”

I suppose she could hide in the audience and he’d have to play Where’s Waldo for awhile, but something tells me he’d just sit cross legged, mutter a few incantations and the next thing you know she’d be all highlighted like an item you need to pick up in a video game. And then he would completely and utterly destroy her. And even if he didn’t do that, he’d just eliminate the crowd from the equation…and completely and utterly destroy them all.

She could show up as Squirrel Girl and fill him with terror…

but when the Squirrels didn’t actually show up…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Assassin tricks? Poison his ridiculously over sized golden goblet? He didn’t get to be the Ruler of Latveria by being an idiot, he’s not just going to drink things willy nilly plus he probably has tasters. And, being all unpoisoned…he would completely and utterly destroy her.

Having said that…I think Mystique will still be alive at the end of this.

Doom knows the value of somebody with her talents. He knows who he is up against next round, and he knows the history. I think he would offer her a chance to surrender, provided she did him a few small favours, ie: Tell everything she knows about Magneto. Be his person on the inside. He would probably even offer her some side work…

I think Raven has Daddy issues and might even be swayed by a powerful older man with European charm…it has happened before…but would she betray Magneto?

Perhaps not…but I believe she would at least play it cool and agree to the terms until she could think of something better.

So here’s how I see it going down…Doom and Mystique come to terms before the fight, perhaps when he catches her trying to assassinate him beforehand. The day of the fight, they put on a show, (But not too much of one, everyone knows she is overmatched here) and he appears to completely disintegrate her. What he has really done is transported her to and undisclosed location.

And now…she has some thinking to do.

But both officially, and in a larger sense, the winner here is

DOOM

DAVE:

So, I know what you’re thinking: How could this mismatch possibly happen? And I have an answer: It just did. Real life brackets have mismatches too, so enough with the whining and moaning about how it’s fixed, or that we planned for a specific outcome. We didn’t. That would be boring. Blame the comic book writers for having wild varying levels between their villains, I guess. The whole exercise is to have fun and make assumption as to what would happen in these imaginary battles.

On to the match.

Mystique is a cunning strategist who generally uses surprise and her shape-shifting abilities to make events go the way she needs them to. She’s held her own for decades, and always manages to come out on top, or at least get away in the nick of time. She’s been the leader of a number of teams, and those teams have beaten the X-Men, which is not an easy task, as there’s like 87 of them at any given moment, 6 of whom are Wolverine. She was also played by Rebecca Romijn, which is awesome. She has a scaly blue rack, which is less awesome, unless you’re into that, or maybe you have an Avatar fetish or something.

Doctor Doom is a friggin genius, almost rivaling Reed Richards. He built a time machine. He’s the leader of a nation, has a army of lifelike robots that he built himself, and oh, he built a TIME MACHINE. He could use this time machine to ensure a win, but he wouldn’t need to, nor stoop to that. Because he could beat Mystique without anywhere near that much effort. This is a man who fought his way through time and space, can change bodies with people through eye contact, and has a healing factor. Wait, no, he doesn’t have a healing factor. He’s, in fact, only one of 4 people in the Marvel universe that doesn’t have a healing factor.

Doom is used to taking on the entire Fantastic Four, all of whom have epic powers, except Reed Richards, who isn’t that cool, but he’s really smart, so there’s that. But if he can take on a guy who can burn as hot as the sun, a giant rock monster who can lift trucks for fun, and a successful modern woman who can turn invisible and make air bubbles around your head, and shields and such, as well as stretchy guy, AT THE SAME TIME, what makes anyone think he’d have the slightest amount of trouble with face-changy lady.

There’s only one person Mystique could become that would even momentarily distract him: His mother. Doing this would only enrage Doom further, ensuring that rather than just killing her, he’d remove any molecular trace of her from existence. Over in one.

Winner: Doom

Rob:

Unlike our villains today, I was created long after the Silver Age of comics sometime in the late seventies. This is known to comic book aficionados as “The Brown Age” of comics, due partially to the tint the paper of the books took on after sitting in a tree fort for years, but primarily due to the quality of the writing.

Because of my extensive experience reading weathered, dog-eared and tragic copies of Conan and, to a much lesser extent, Kull, I may have a key insight into which of these two villains, Mystique or Dr. Doom, shall win this fight today. The fight will be determined by one of the fundamental laws of science fiction narrative. Allow me to continue this line of thinking, no I insist, please, after you:

Along with all the warrior nonsense like Conan, and books like the EC comics (God, how I miss EC), I sometimes wish I had been reading Heavy Metal during the halcyon days of my youth, not as much for the boobies as for the awesome pulp-fantasy aesthetic. This aesthetic, both narrative and visual, still utterly defines my sense of what “awesome” is.- Oh, and by “halcyon days” I mean medically tranquilized, but that is a story for another time, and those records are from when I was a minor.

Regardless of my drooling, reading fantasy comic books was secondary to my efforts to read every science fiction and fantasy novel ever published. I can assure you, I read some pulp shit that would make your eyes bleed, it was so goddamn pulpy. The pulp was so pulpy it was actually abrasive and could dissolve your flesh.  I swear to you, I can still smell a terrible novel (remember that smell?). It didn’t matter to me how good the story was, it only mattered to me that somehow, in my young brain, I began to associate certain concepts directly with the concepts of “funny” and “awesome”. Pulpy concepts about lasers, magic, and the occult…

A Brief Departure:

Requiem for Fur-Bikini-Clad Warrior Lady: A Haiku

Dinosaur riding,

you have lasers and a sword.

Will you marry me?

The books, and comics,  influenced by Robert E Howard and the other pulp masters were all subject to the same basic rule- a rule invented by a man who I was as yet to discover in my childhood. All of this terrifying junk I was reading (and by “terrifying” I am referring again to the aesthetic, both visually and textually) was so hilar-awesome it eventually led me to the darkest, scariest, pulpiest corner of literature: HP Lovecraft.

Lovecraft is an appalling author. Just the goddamn worst. Reading Lovecraft is like wading through a murky bog, discovering the tomb of Edgar Allan Poe, getting inside, and dry humping his fetid corpse.  I love/hate Lovecraft so much that I need counseling just to comprehend the conceptual contradictions inherent to my feelings about his writing. He is the mighty nexus of funny and awesome, lacking only the presence of scantily-clad female characters in his greatest works. What is essential here is that Lovecraft taught me something of vital importance to our fight today:

People who tangle with the occult either become frighteningly powerful, or go completely mad.

Lovecraft doesn’t just mean “booga booga” crazy, he means existential crisis, feces throwing, gouge-out-you-own-eyes crazy. The things that have been seen by the hapless protagonists of Lovecraft’s longwinded shitscapades are so mind-bogglingly nightmarish, so demoralizing, so utterly incomprehensible by the feeble human brain, that they cannot be unseen for all eternity.  Once you have laid eyes on the decadent ruins of the cities of the Great Old Ones, ones you have smelled the salt air and decay, once you have summoned the Cthulhu from their slumbers in R’Lyeh, you are hooped nine ways from Friday, mind-wise.  This is the Law of Lovecraft: Some sights and sounds can shatter your reality in an instant, and obliterate your precious sanity forever.  The Law of Lovecraft is a vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella that covers all science fiction, fantasy, and occult narrative, like some kind of vast, incomprehensible, interdimensional umbrella. Batman created the “Batman of Zur-Enh-Arrh” alternate personality specifically to deal with sanity damaging experiences like those governed by Lovecraft’s Law.

Mystique simply does not have a chance, because Doom has meddled with things beyond our world and beyond her conception. The revelation through a cracked mirror of just one glimpse of the occult universe that Doom has seen would make the shapeshifing Mystique seek refuge the form of something innocent and harmless forever.  Doom has seen these horrors, he does not fear them; He is a sorcerer and alchemist of the great weird beyond. Stan Lee said so.

Doom would step into the arena, and show Mystique a glimpse of an existence beyond her meta-human comprehension. Mystique, guised in the only form she could think of that would guard her ravaged psyche from complete annihilation, would become Hello Kitty.  The last sight she would see, as she sobbed giant, anime tears into an ever growing lake of her own destruction, is the masked face of Doom and his gloved hand pointing at her as the sound of his hideous laughter echoes into eternity.

Winner: Doom

Loser: Hello Kitty

Biggest Loser: Me for reading all that Piers Anthony

Decision: Doom

So Doom moves on to the final to face Magneto in a smackdown for mastery of the Supervillain Title!
Tune in Next Week! Tell us we’re wrong and unfunny below!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!

The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.

THIS WEEK: Mystique vs Catwoman. The ladies duke it out to see who survives. For our purposes, Catwoman is her normal self from DC continuity, and Mystique is herself from standard Marvel continuity.

Rob:

Last smackdown, there was some concern about my homophobic disregard for the efficacy of particular mode of transportation. I would like to first apologize. I referred to the Green Goblin’s hovering jet scooter as a “Gay Rocket Skateboard.” This was unfair, and I am sorry. What I did was substitute the concept of homosexuality, rife with easy jokes, for the true intent of my dialectic, which was to suggest that anyone who rides a “Gay Rocket Skateboard” in not, in fact, necessarily, or even at all, gay (though it is possible statistically). Rather, I intended to convey that the act of flying around on such a device is less derisively “gay” and more utterly and impossibly emasculating in every conceivable way, and that gay and straight men alike feel a penis shrivelling, ball shattering, dick limpening, sack tightening horror at the idea of such a ridiculous contraption having any capacity for status-enhancing terror. On the top ten list of “Things Which Do Not Strike Fear into the Hearts of Men, and Women, and Kittens”, number one with a bullet is “Floaty rollerskates”, followed by “cloudmobiles”, and “cuddleplanes”.

Not only that, but men all over the world of any type of persuasion, queer, strait, transgendered, understand on an implicit and genetically pre-programmed level that a rocket sled of any kind is not going to get you laid, by man, woman, hermaphrodite, or compliant donkey. Your fantasy of having a hover board from Back To The Future dies when you realized driving in a multi seat motor vehicle, one often including a radio, is a far more effective method of attracting the ass of your particular orientation. Finding rocket skateboards a stupid thing for super villains to own and operate is not a choice. We are all born with an opinion on aerial sleds of all kinds, and on this matter we stand united: Nobody is scared of the dude on the NASA surfboard- in fact, this is why we think the Silver Surfer is so, not gay, or retarded, but rather cockpunchular, or if you prefer, douchetacular.

As for the matter of the fight between Mystique and Catwoman, I will not tarry long in a ridiculous straight-male fantasy that they will discover themselves suddenly very bisexual, extremely exhibitionist, and too aroused to fight. I will not describe, in any juvenile level of detail, the reflection of soft blue skin on milky white, in the low, low light of a steamy stadium. I will not elaborate on the possibility of Mystique taking the form of any beautiful woman, least of all Erin Cardillo, who, I will not go on to explain, plays the schoolteacher on the appalling “Suite Life of Zack and Cody: On Deck” and who is much, MUCH, too funny and beautiful for that show, as well as much too compelling of a performer to be in swiffer ads. I will not imagine Mystique and Catwoman drinking wine, agreeing to dress up, in no particular order, as a maid and a Catholic sorority girl, and I will not suggest the sound of two of the most extraordinary orgasms ever witnessed by humankind would render the sense of hearing forever purposeless, and make the music of the Beatles seem like the music of Yoko Ono’s diarrhea.

Mystique takes this one, despite the compelling and conflicted character of Catwoman, and despite the fact that Catwoman has sometimes outsmarted Batman. You nerds can talk all about how powerful Mystique is, or how wily Catwoman is. I’m pretty sure this catfight is over before it is done. Unless the make out thing happens.

Winner: Mystique
Runner Up: Michelle Pfeiffer’s awesome Catwoman
Honourable Mention: Erin Cardillo

Dave:

Some weeks we get many comments pointing out how wrong we are, and providing alternate arguments on why person X should beat person Y. We love this. This week, i’m thinking we’re going to see a near unanimous comment section. Why? Because this fight is so incredibly one sided, I’m questioning why we ever thought it would be a good idea. Well, there is the fanboy lesbian thing. Yes, I remember why now.

The fact is, I can’t think of a single clever way that a former prostitute turned jewel-thief with some acrobatic skills and no powers beats a 100 year old shapeshifter who has a limited healing factor (What, a Marvel character with a healing factor?????), is pretty much immune to poisons, and extremely agile.

Mystique’s main weapon is usually deception, and the ability to surprise and throw opponents off-guard due to looking like someone else. She might be able to end the fight in the first few seconds by pretending to be a guard taking Catwoman to the arena, then drop her like a rock. But assuming they both get to the ring without event, this one takes the guise of a standard slug-fest, albeit one with bikinis and oil. Wait, what? Well, I like it better that way, sue me.

It goes like this: Catwoman does some fancy flips, jumps on Mystique’s back. Mystique uses any one of 100 combat techniques she’s picked over the last 6 decades, and slams Catwoman to the ground. Catwoman jumps up, attacks, is beaten back. Rinse, Repeat. At some point, Mystique gets tired of the game, and advances, breaking Catwoman’s leg. As Catwoman staggers around, Mystique systematically breaks the remaining limbs, and eventually, snaps Catwoman’s neck.

Game, Set, Match.

Winner: Mystique

Tony

It’s been 3 hours and the crowd is getting restless.

Catwoman showed up on time, and has been pacing restlessly back and forth waiting for her opponent to show.

The audience knows Mystique could be anywhere. She could be sitting right beside them. For all they know, they could be sitting on her.

They start chanting “Start the fight, start the fight”. Catwoman shrugs, and does a few whip tricks to try and keep the crowd interested.

There is a fairly large number of sweaty men with their hands buried in their trench coats right up front who look particularly eager for this to start.

1 hour later, still no sign of Mystique. The announcement comes over the P.A.

“Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, by forfeit….”

“WAAAAITT!” screams Catwoman.. She motions to someone off to the side…he brings her a microphone.

As she takes the mic, her skin tight cat suit turns blue, she shakes her thick red hair free and laughs diabolically.

“Curiosity didn’t kill shit.” She says contemptuously…” I killed the cat. Last night. (She changes into Batman) For some weird reason she didn’t expect me to have a gun on me. (She changes back to Mystique) I’d ask for my money back if I were you.”

She gives the booing crowd the finger as she strolls out of the arena.

Okay, so that’s how I think it would go, but some of you might feel a little like the poor saps in the arena audience. You came to see a show and you didn’t get one. Well, let me just add a post script and say that if Mystique had decided to “Play fair” she’d still be the winner. In combat, I’d say they were pretty evenly matched. Catwoman can go toe to toe with Batman, but she has the advantage of her “Feminine wiles”, the Bat is basically wrapped around her paw and she knows it. No such luck with Mystique, who I would imagine would employ a strike and hide strategy, luring Catwoman into the audience and then…

shape change…wait…punch,

shape… change…. wait …kick.

If Catwoman decides “Fuck this” and heads back to the open arena, I wouldn’t put it past Mystique to pick her off from there. She does use guns, and certainly has no compunction about killing people.

Winner: Mystique.

I’ll be in my bunk.

Decision: Mystique

And so Mystique moves on to the Quarter-Finals. Tune in next week to see Magneto vs Sinestro. Magnets, or things made out of yellow? Sounds like science class!

Call us names below!