Planet of the Apes Film Fests

Full disclosure: I love talking ape movies. I absolutely love them. The only reason I’m unsure on the up-coming Planet of the Apes prequel/reboot/reimagining/possible bastardization is that the apes don’t talk. I had even begun the research to study the Planet of the Apes films as my PhD thesis when I abandoned academia. I adore these films.

Last year when a friend of mine invited me over to watch a film on his mondo-fantabulous home entertainment setup, he told me to pickup a blu-ray of whatever I wanted for my first HD giant screen experience and I chose the 1968 Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston. I didn’t have to buy it though, I had purchased the Apes original series blu-ray boxed set months before owning a player.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (the last of the original films) is the second most-purchased film in my collection having had it on vhs, 2 versions on dvd and then blu-ray (the first is Die Hard which I had to replace on vhs). And it’s my least favorite!

I thought about doing “A Case for…” but then I thought “screw that! This is Planet of the freakin’ Apes and you like it or I don’t even want know you!” Instead I put together a series of viewing parties that present the films and related content as a variety of experiences.

All told there were 5 original films (POTA, Beneath the POTA, Escape From the POTA, Conquest of the POTA and Battle for the POTA), a half-season TV series, a half-season animated series, the Tim Burton Remake and the up-coming Prequel. Option 1 is spoiler-free, the rest are not.

1) The Classic: 1,2,3,4,5

As originally released, this is the most popular viewing order. You get the two highest-budget films and both Heston appearances at the top. This is the order that is for the newbie and I warn you that you will lose attention as it gets to the last film.

My personal fav of the series is 4 and I find it difficult to keep going into that last one. The budget on 5 was not much more than that of a TV movie and it shows. Watching on blu-ray and a big screen you will start having the uninitiated questioning the make-up effects by 2. To cut costs, background apes were given pull-over masks instead of make-up but the wonders of 1080 make these cut corners obvious.

2) The Chronological: 3,4,5,1,2 or 3,4,1,2

The order for those who have already seen the series and want a different experience. This version puts the films in chronological order from the perspective of the apes. 3 opens with the three apes crash-landing on earth in the 1970s and telling our world a wild tale about war, a rebellious ape, and the final fate of some missing astronauts.

We watch as the apes take over our world and the human race becomes a slave species. We jump ahead 2,000 years to see the ultimate destiny of our world. Not nearly as hopeful a tale, it is my preferred viewing order.

The screenwriter of 4 was told it would be the final in the series so he created a story that would close it up as a loop. It works well to watch them that way and makes more narrative sense.

You’ve been through the series but still want more talking apes? Well there are the live-action and animated TV series. Both lasted less than half a season though and neither has an ending.

The live-action has it’s moments, and there is an episode with Marc “Beastmaster” Singer. The animated series features characters from 1 and 2 but doesn’t quite fit into the timeline set out in those films.

4) The Tim-Burton-is-All-Style-and-No-Substance: Remake and hopefully not Prequel

Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of POTA is a testament to how he just puts stuff together that looks impressive and doesn’t pay much attention to coherency, plot, characters, etc. It was an early sign of what post-Alice In Wonderland many more people have accepted – he’s a bit shite.

That said, it sure does look pretty. I got the blu-ray for $10 which I thought was fair for the best-looking talking apes so far. The ending will likely confuse and you will be left wondering what it meant. Well look no further than the commentary track by Burton who tells you with all pride that it means … absolutely nothing. He just thought it was an interesting visual and had no concern for the complete failure of the film to close on any sensible note.

5) Theoretical Trilogy: Prequel,1,2,3

If the prequel plays out like I think it might, it will make a new viewing order that is closer to the history told in 3 by Cornelius. I have heard rumour that the prequel will include the infamous first “no” which would drop it into the series fairly well (though I’m assuming that the prequel won’t reference the time-travelling apes of 3).

6) The Long-Staycation: The whole thing. 3,4,5,TV,1,2,Animated,Remake,Prequel,that episode of The Simpsons where Troy McClure is in POTA:The Musical, the fan-edit of POTA that makes it a Twilight Zone episode, and the grown-ups-only XXX parody Playmate of the Apes

As I said, the live-action and animated don’t fit easily into the series, but the original films had quite a few contradictions too so it can be forgiven. The biggest negative is that you get the best stuff early.

There is some very cool apes side content. The Simpsons bit was great (and I just found out there are magnets of those characters which is on my ebay wishlist now). POTA was written by Rod Serling and a clever fan made a terrific fanedit of the film that cuts it to 20-odd minute Twilight Zone episode, black-and-white including opening narration and credits.

And not for all ages is the 2002 porn parody Playmate of the Apes. It was shot mostly outside and the apes live in what looks like a 1970s basement rec room. No talking apes are involved in the *ahem* action. It isn’t art, but it makes more narrative sense than the Burton film so it gets its place.

With the prequel still to come, these may have to be revised. The trailer looks good and I am a Franco fan so fingers crossed.

Get your stinkin’ paws on some damned ape movies.

Keith works in marketing, which isn’t nearly as evil as you think it is, and is wicked smart. Follow him on Twitter as CubReporterK.

He didn’t do any we-don’t-call-it-TBinnsing-anymore photos in this piece because the hottest woman in the whole series is Helena Bonham-Carter who looks like this:

I guess there’s Estella Warren in the remake, if she’s your type of girl.

 

 

And the first two films have Linda “You have one line in two films, let’s see if you can get it right this time” Harrison.

Or should I say…MY Top 25 Comedies of all time. Comedy is after all, the most subjective of arts. I often find myself laughing hysterically at things that others simply stare blankly at. To each their own. You may not enjoy the sorts of comedies I enjoy.

But for the record, I’m right and you aren’t. We are called the Correctness for a reason.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (I heart Ruprecht the Monkey Boy) Wayne’s World (Back when Myers was funny, and okay with sharing the spotlight with Dana Carvey) So I Married an Axe Murderer (HEAD PANTS NOW!!!) Stir Crazy (You can kish the Baby) The Producers (The original, not the musical) Austin Powers (Just the first one, thank you very much)Planes Trains and Automobiles (I want a FUCKING car…right FUCKING NOW) Modern Times (One of Chaplain’s best) Top Secret (How silly can you get? Apparently pretty damned silly) Big Business (One of my fave Laurel and Hardy films…the shorts are always better than the features when it comes to Laurel and Hardy) Love and Death (Suffer through enough Russian literature and you’ll see how brilliant this is) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (Come on…it’s just FUN) Team America (Mostly for the songs) Clue (farce done right)Best In Show (Probably the Strongest of the post Tap Guest movies)

So are we ready? Prepare your indignation, we start at # 25…

25.Dumb and Dumber

Normally, I’m not a big fan of the broad stuff so why would I put this in my top 25? Well the answer lies in one small piece of dialogue.

“Big Gulps Huh? Well, see ya.”

That is the most perfectly inane thing I’ve ever heard, and so simple in it’s utter blank stupidity. It is the PERFECT thing for a dumb person to say, and it was said with absolute conviction and sincerity. It has been said that one could literally see the IQ drop on Jim Carrey’s face when the director yelled “action” and his complete and utter commitment to the character is what makes this movie one of the best.

24. Fast Times at Ridgemont High

One of the greatest of all time? Really? Why? Well, allow me to illuminate you.

Phoebe Cates. Your argument is invalid.

23. Withnail and I

Will there come a time when Tbinns will shut up about this movie? Perhaps. But today is NOT that day. One of the most quotable movies ever made, and every performance is pure, dingy desolate gold.

22. The Big Lebowski

I’m actually not one of those blanket Cohen brothers fans. I thought No Country fell apart completely on the back end. Barton Fink was weird and boring. O Brother was a much better soundtrack than a movie. But the exceptions are Fargo, True Grit and this classic. One of Jeff Bridges best performances…probably because he is essentially playing himself. The dude most definitely abides. Shut the fuck up Donnie.

21. The Jerk

I caught a few minutes of this one the other day. “All I need is this ashtray…” Yep, still funny. It is one of the best examples of the brilliant stupidity that Steve Martin came to personify in his early career. This is one of the reasons he can make a million Pink Panther movies and I will NEVER turn on him. He gets a lifetime pass.

20. The General

It’s like being a dog person, or a cat person. Are you a Chaplin fan or a Keaton fan? Chaplin is the sentimentalist, and like the dog loves the attention for his tricks. I like Chaplin about as much as I like dogs, which is to say quite a lot. But I am now and have always been a cat/Keaton person. Keaton is amazing, and does brain melting complicated shit while making it look easy. And like a cat, he doesn’t seem to care if you are emotionally invested or not. I saw The General with a live organist accompanying it at a screening with a Laurel and Hardy short opening…it was one of the best times I ever had at the movies. And that impassive face..the slow double take …the sheer TIMING. This one is a real masterpiece no matter how you slice it.

19. Young Frankenstein

“You take the blonde, I’ll take the one in the turban”

I have never found this movie to be a wall to wall laugh fest, but the cast is so uniformly great, it’s shot so well, and the jokes that DO land are SO good that it deserves it’s status as a comedy classic.

18. The Meaning of Life

Without question it’s the weakest of the three Python films, but weak python is still generally 10 times funnier than anyone else. Besides, with “Every sperm is sacred”, Death, and Mr. Creosote…there are definitely enough gems in here to have it rate a ranking. Even the Pythons don’t give this one a lot of love, but I think they are being way too hard on it.

17. Annie Hall

I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that wouldn’t have Annie Hall on their top comedy list. It is the precursor of the modern romantic comedy, although we shouldn’t hold that against it. It is brilliantly constructed, punctuated by fantastic gags and vignettes (“Don’t you wish real life was like this?”) and in the end even a little poignant. I’m not even holding a grudge for it beating Star Wars for best picture of 1977. It’s that good.

16. Anchorman

“LOUD NOISES!!!”

Some of the shtick lands, some of it doesn’t but when it does land, it’s hysterical. A glorious exercise in excess and a star making performance by Steve Carell. I laugh EVERY TIME he is on screen. It’s goofy, ridiculous over the top fun.

15. Office Space

One of the most relate-able comedies ever made. Mis-marketed to the Beavis and Butthead crowd, this little comedy that could blossomed on home video and rightly so. Solid performances through the whole ensemble here, with Stephan Root and Gary Cole being particularly outstanding. This one passed a lot of phrases into the public vernacular, for better or for worse and deserves to be on any top comedy list

14. Groundhog Day

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

One of Bill Murray’s best performances, in a career full of them. And what a cool and original premise.

13. The Blues Brothers

Is it a Musical? A Comedy? A Car Chase movie? I’ll tell you what it is…iconic. Fantastic musical performances by Ray Charles, Aretha, John Lee Hooker and more. Plus you have Belushi and Akroyd at their peak. In fact I would go on record saying I actually enjoy Dan Akroyd’s performance in this movie MORE than Belushi’s. Elwood cracks me the fuck up. They don’t make em like this anymore. Mostly because they can’t afford the 900 or so cars you’d need to crash. (P.S. I saw the Bluesmobile with the giant speaker on it at Universal Studios…I squealed like a little girl spotting Justin Beiber)

12. Dr. Strangelove

If you ever doubt that Peter Sellers was a genius, a) Please sign up for the “Get Slapped in the Face by Tbinns Club” as soon as possible and b) Watch this movie. One of the greatest performances in a comedy EVER and quite possibly one of the greatest performances period. But let’s not forget how great George C. Scott was in this movie as well. Not sure why George C. Didn’t do more comedy…he certainly had the chops.

11. South Park : Bigger Longer Uncut

One of the best comedy musicals ever made. When South Park is on target, you just can’t beat it, and this is very much on target. Matt and Trey do have a tendency to get bogged down in shock value, especially lately but this is a representation of those two at their very best. The songs are great, the new characters are fantastic, the script is bang on. A scathing indictment of censorship…and great fun to boot.

10. National Lampoons Vacation

I could give a shit about the rest of the Vacation films, and yes that includes “Christmas Vacation” which everybody on this planet except for me seems to enjoy…but this one was an instant classic and deservedly so. If you aren’t an old fart like me and find yourself scratching your head why everyone makes a big deal out of Chevy Chase…THIS is why. He is fucking BRILLIANT in this move. It’s dark and relentless and hysterical. Possibly the LAST great film with the words “National Lampoon” on it.

9. A Fish Called Wanda

If you are watching a movie with John Cleese and Michael Palin and they aren’t even the funniest guys in the movie? That is a hell of a movie. Kevin Kline steals “A Fish Called Wanda” right out from under Cleese and Palin. Wait…who did he marry again?

Oh That’s right. One of a hundred reasons why Kevin Kline is, as the kids say, the fucking MAN. Although Palin runs a close second…the idea of an ardent animal lover who keeps accidentally snuffing out pets is as cruel as it is funny.

8. Blazing Saddles

You know who has my favourite performance here? Gene Wilder is a close second…but my fave is Madeline Kahn. Her quasi Marlena Dietrich bad girl is hysterical, like Steve Carell in Anchorman, I laugh at just about everything she says. Lots of film fans will put Blazing Saddles way below Young Frankenstein, but Blazing Saddles just flat out makes me laugh more. A lot of people shit all over the ending, but it was basically a Warner Brothers cartoon for adults all the way through, why not finish it like one.

7. National Lampoon’s Animal House

Take note pretenders…THIS is how you do a raunchy comedy. It’s not just Belushi either, it’s a good ensemble all around, with Tim Matheson’s “Otter” being one of my personal faves. To this day, whenever I here the song “Shout” I scream “WAIT’LL OTIS SEES US!!!HE LOVES US!!!” I heard that Akroyd was up for D-Day and Lorne Michaels wouldn’t let him go for some reason. There’s a fun little “What if” huh?

6. 40 Year Old Virgin

My buddy and I laughed so hard at this we were making other people in the theatre very uncomfortable. There’s so much good stuff here it’s hard to know where to start. “You know how I know You’re gay?” Jane Lynch. “Fuck a Goat” “Lets get some ffffuckin french toast.” I LOVE this movie…and not just because I collect action figures. Well…that’s part of it, I guess.

5. This is Spinal Tap

When my friend Tom watched this for the first time, he thought it was an ACTUAL documentary, until he recognized Howard Hessman. Everyone is SO good in this, and with Rob Reiner behind the camera keeping an eye on the proceedings it just clips along. The songs are hilarious and catchy, the satire is sharp and painfully accurate and the story, despite the somewhat disjointed format it’s told in is actually pretty compelling. If we didn’t like these guys, if we didn’t feel for them when they went from stadiums to free form jazz improvisation while opening for a puppet show none of it would work. For extra giggles, listen to the in character commentary track on the dvd…it’s like watching a whole new movie.

4. The Life of Brian

Many would argue that this is the BEST Python movie, because it has a point of view and punctures something that very badly needed puncturing. I can’t argue with the genius of it. I think even the Python’s think this is their masterpiece. The target here is not the religion, but rather the overly religious, which is part of why it works so well. Taking the biblical epic down a peg or two while telling people that thinking for yourself is not such a bad thing, means this is not only a funny movie but an important one.

3. Ghostbusters

Even with dated effects and silly psuedo paranomal babble this is still a classic any way you slice it, thanks in large part to Bill Murray. But let’s not forget the genius of Rick Moranis. If you don’t like Ghostbusters I only have one question for you. “Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?”

2. Airplane

The lost art of doing ridiculous shit completely seriously. No one seems to know how to do this anymore. It’s RELENTLESS. Hit after hit after hit, there’s jokes in the background, meta jokes, running jokes it is a comedy onslaught of the very best kind. Jason Friedberg WISHES those piece of shit _____ movies were even half as good as this. This is without a doubt the funniest film to EVER come out of Hollywood. Which must mean my #1 choice DIDN’T…

1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Come on. How can it not be this? I’ve MEMORIZED this. Okay, yes, Life of Brian is more socially relevant, the satire is sharper, I get it. I understand all that. But as far as absolute full onfunny there just isn’t. It is pure fucking genius. Yes even the purposefully shitty ending. That intermission music at the end? It goes on for at least ten minutes. No end credits. Just get the fuck out or listen to this on a constant loop. Those are a big old set of Python BALLS right there. The CREDITS are funnier than most movies…

This movie is so awesome it could only by financed by Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. THIS is the reason I grew up wanting to be funny. It is THE funniest movie of all time, without question or doubt. and if you disagree I have but one word for you.

NI!!

Now go away or I will taunt you a second time.

I would now like to take a moment to deal with your outrage over certain Omissions…

“Hey, What About The Hangover?“

There are few things I loathe in this world more than anecdotes that start with “Man I was SOOOOO hammered last weekend.” This felt like two hours of that. Instead of “Unrated” the DVD should say “Overrated”

“Hey, What About Zoolander?”

Ben Stiller’s ceaseless mugging has never, ever worked for me. Some people dig that about him. I do not.

Hey, What About The Royal Tenanbaums?

The only thing I hate more than a Wes Anderson film is a Wes Anderson film with Owen Wilson…oh wait…that’s ALL of them. Wes Anderson is much like Anton Chekhov, what he’s doing is referred to as comedy, but what it really is a bunch of whiny, self absorbed characters all struggling with various shades of ennui. “But…” you say “That’s what’s funny about it! It’s a subtle character based satire that pokes fun at the Nouveu riche with quirky characters that defy descr….zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

I get it. I just don’t like it. I prefer my comedies to be funny.

“DUDE, No CADDYSHACK? What is WRONG with you?”

I submit to you that Bill Murray and Chevy Chase are funny IN Caddyshack…the actual movie is…well…not that great. Or at least not as great as you remember it.

“What? No Marx Brothers?”

I love the Marx Brothers…I hate everyone ELSE in a Marx brothers movie. It’s hard enough to keep up with Groucho if you are a GOOD actor…these idiots they cast with him get so outclassed I find it hard to watch. Ms. Dumont excepted of course.

“No Love for Ferris Bueller?“

I agree with his sister, Ferris is a smug little shit and the fact that he gets away with everything pisses me off.

“Some Like It Hot?”

Some don’t. Some really really don’t.

“What about Jackass?”

Fuck you. Seriously.

It’s fun, it’s easy! Annoy your friends, amaze your enemies!

It’s the Correctness Movie Pitch Mash up Game!

First, a bit of background. This past Halloween, in between sets of raging horror movie themed Pictionary, our very own RobbieRobtown introduced a little parlour game into our midst that was, apparently a favourite of the ever so hip improv crowd. The game was simple…you pitch two movies together, (You always start with “It’s the Story of…”) then deliver the title/punchline. Then the party lapsed into a deadly silence as everyone immediately started trying to think of one.

So, way to kill a party again, there Rob.

It’s easier to explain by example, so have a look at these examples provided by myself and the rest of the Correctness Funsters. If you want to play, add yours to the list in the comment section below.

-It’s the story of a lonely guy who is about to get married but he doesn’t have a best man because he doesn’t make friends with other men easily, then he bonds with an eccentric Rush fan who has the power to morph into any animal he chooses…

It’s called “I Love You, Manimal.”

-It’s the story of a creature whose passion for flight makes him an outcast among his own people…but he later returns to them to enlighten them, and also to strangle them and steal their jewelry.

It’s called “Jonathan Livingston Smegol”

-It’s the story of an architect who marries a pregnant Mexican woman in Vegas, while trying to stop the assassination of the President.

It’s called “Fools Rush In The Line of Fire”

-It’s the story of a group of teens being stalked by a man in a fisherman’s coat while they learn the lessons of life from a washed out teacher.

It’s called “I Know What You Did Last Summer School”

-It’s the story of an Antarctic expedition that ends in insanity, and love.

It’s called “Brokeback Mountains of Madness”

It’s the story of four lovable Moptop singers as they have wacky adventures in King Arthur’s Court

It’s called “A Hard Days First Knight”

(By the way…THIS almost happened once…Lord of the Ringos?)

It’s the story of a young teenage girl with a penchant for solving mysteries in a small California town who leads a group of aliens bent on world domination.

It’s called “Veronica Mars Attacks”.

See…isn’t that fun? Your turn!

(3D model courtesy of Guy van der Walt www.plasticboy.co.uk)

So you are flicking around on a lazy Sunday, just seeing what’s on, kind of half watching three different shows when suddenly BLAM there it is. A movie that makes you put down the remote, despite the fact that it’s on cable two or three times a week, and you have seen it countless times.

Perhaps it’s just a throw back to the old days…when putting a movie on TV was kind of an event. Then came home video, and the higher cable channels and it just become less and less special. (That’s right, I’m old enough to remember BEFORE home video)

Now, the entire Star Wars Saga is on in marathon form every other holiday on Spike TV. But there are movies that still snag you, give you pause, make you smile, and make it increasingly difficult to turn the channel.

These are the SURF STOPPERS!!!

For Amber, my wife, that list includes Titanic, Dances with Wolves (I think she has a secret crush on Wind In His Hair) Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail and anything with Sandra Bullock in it.

Here are a few from my list:

THE GODFATHER

For some weird reason I almost always come into this when Michael is about to take care of the family’s little problem with the Turk and McCrosky the dirty cop. Once I’m there I absolutely can’t turn the channel until Michael drops the gun and walks out. If I have time, or I’m not getting heavy sighs and rolled eyes from the wife, I try and hang in at least until Vito hold his meeting and says “If something should happen to him, if he should be shot by the police…hanged in his jail cell…if he should be STRUCK BY LIGHTNING…then I’m gonna blame some of the people in this room…and that I do not forgive.”

I have a similar problem with Godfather part 2 now that I’m thinking about it. “I know it was you Fredo…You broke my heart!!!!”

It’s a shame they didn’t make a third one of those.

No, they didn’t.

THEY DID NOT LA LA LA LA NO THIRD MOVIE DOES NOT EXIST LA LA LA!!!!!

ALMOST FAMOUS

This movie makes me happy in innumerable ways. The soundtrack, the script, Philip Seymour Hoffman, the love letter to an era at it’s cultural peak, and from what I can tell, the only great performance in Kate Hudson’s career. Watch her face when William tells her she was just traded for 50 bucks and a case of beer. It goes through about 5 different levels of hurt, indignation, despair, and finally the urge to pull it back together with a joke. “What KIND of beer?” she asks with a sad smile and tears still streaming down her face. She DESERVED that Oscar nomination don’t doubt it for a second.

I used to identify with William the most, nerdy writer, obsessed with rock music, out of his element, dealing with a hopeless unrequited crush. Then it occurred to me that in reality,as I get older and crankier I’m Lester Bangs.

“Yeah well, you’ll meet em all again on their long journey toward the middle.”

The whole “Industry of Cool” speech explains EXACTLY how I feel about the current state of the music industry.

And Zooey Deschenel whispers “One Day…you’ll be cool” to me in my dreams.

LAWRENCE of ARABIA

This is what Dune should have looked like. The camera loves the desert every bit as much as T.E. Lawrence does, and when that music swells, and the camera pans across caramel colored ripples of sand…I mean man, I HATE the heat as only fat people can but this movie makes me ache to see the desert. Funny thing though, this only applies to anything before they take Akaba. I have no real desire to see T.E. Lawrence’s probably fictional rape fantasies being carried out. So yeah, it’s fast and loose with history but who cares? And what a cast! INTRODUCING Peter O Toole? Omar Shariff, Alec Guiness, Anthony Quinn, Jose Ferrer, Claude Rains? There were more knights in this movie than there was in Excalibur. Which reminds me…

EXCALIBUR

What a big, gorgeous awesome piece of goulda THAT movie is. If you don’t get chills when you hear the Carmina Burana and hear “Lancelot! Lancelot is with us!” as he emerges swinging in the mist…well I put it to you that you are not a man. So…you know…double check yer junk. This is a veritable buffet of Who’s Who with a healthy side of “Who’s that? You’ve got Patrick Stewart, Liam Neeson, Helen Mirren, and Gabriel Byrne, who manages to nail a hot chick while still wearing his armour, thus providing us with a vivid demonstration of Dark Ages safe sex. I love Nicol Williamson’s weird and goofy Merlin, with that great Shakespearean delivery of the charm of Making (Yes, I’ve memorized it. So what?) I love the guts, the gore, the pervasive sense of honor, and yes even the armor. This one stays on for as long as I can get away with. To this day whenever I see a spoon in mashed potatoes I mutter “He who draws the spoon from the Potatoes…he shall be king!”

ANY FIGHT IN ANY ROCKY MOVIE

If I know the fight is closing in…the channel stays right where it is until the battered and bruised Rocky staggers out and calls for his girlfriend/wife (Depending on which one you watch) I still like the fights in One and Three the best, but for some reason people have a real soft spot for Four. The appeal is completely lost on Amber. Mind you, I don’t know any girls who dig Rocky. I guess Rocky is like Rush…chicks just don’t get it

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

If Star Wars is on, I’ll often flip over to it just to see where it’s at. For some reason I always seem to be coming in at the Death Star trench run when I’m flipping around. Which reminds me…Porkins? Really? There’s a fat guy and you call him Porkins? Seems a little cruel. It seems like he got teased a lot.

“Hey Porkins, we just built you a Double Large X-X-Wing to fly, but good luck getting it off the ground”

“We greased the Cockpit for ya, buddy, you’re ready to go”

“I think his Artoo unit is a deep fryer!”

“Awww Jesus, there’s Gravy on these controls…Poooorrrrkiiiiinnnssss!”

I digress.

Anyway, I flip Star Wars and Jedi on and off, catch favourite bits and move on. But when Empire comes on…it stays on. House rule.

INHERIT THE WIND

Before there was Intelligent Design, there was just flat out prosecution

The Scopes Monkey trial fascinates me…I suppose it’s my passionate feelings on the issue but I love this play, and I love the original movie even more. I just watched a bit of the made for TV remake with Jason Robards and Kirk Douglas from the 80′s. Oddly enough, I have no problem turning that one off at all. But Spencer Tracy and Frederick March snag me just about every time. Gene Kelly also does a great job as a snide big city journalist trapped in the backwoods covering the ultimate science versus religion showdown.

Also of interest, Harry Morgan, Colonel Potter from MASH is playing the judge. Jesus, how old IS that guy? We are approaching Abe Vigioda territory here.

So gang, what stops your remote? Let us know below!

It’s that time again, when the Correctness corrects a casting mistake on a comic book heroine because a) we like comic books, and b) we like pretty actresses. We are funny that way. This week we take a look at the assassin who stole, and very nearly stabbed Daredevil’s heart, Elektra.

Who Are We Replacing?

Jennifer Garner

She can do action, and she is certainly easy on the eyes, so why replace her? Well, personally I never thought she was nearly exotic enough to play Elektra. Hers is more of a wholesome Midwestern cuteness, which works for Alias, but not so much for Elektra. I think the part calls for something a little darker, a little more dangerous. So lets take a look at some honorable mentions who are worth a mention, but don’t quite make the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Evangeline Lilly

I was never a big “Lost” guy, so I don’t know how she’d perform in action scenes, but at least we know she can get a little gritty. She’s got the right look though, so I’d be willing to see an audition tape at the very least.

Kristen Kruek

Okay, this one comes with a caveat. Fanboys love her, and she certainly has an exotic flare, but I imagine she would need some fairly serious training to get her to the level of ass kicking that would be required for the part. That said, I think there are plenty of nerds who would throw down good money just to see her in the costume.

Missy Peregrym

Missy is the lead in a show called Rookie Blue, a show I have no intention of watching…at all….ever, but at least we know she can do action. She also had a recurring on Heroes, so she’s got some geek cred behind her. If you were looking for someone who suits the part that isn’t yet a household name, you could do a lot worse than Missy here.

The “If I Had a Time Machine” Award Goes To…

Carole Bouquet

You probably only know her from where I know her, the Bond Girl in “For Your Eyes Only.” Still every time I think of Elektra, I imagine her in the part, she has just the right amount of exotic lethality.

The “If only she could act” award goes to…

Danika Patrick

There is something of the Greg Horn Elektra in her face, I think. According to certain sources she can be a grade A Bitch sometimes (Don’t you kind of have to, to be a woman on the Nascar circuit?) but I think that is actually a point in her favour in this instance. I’m sure she’ll end up acting in something eventually, if she hasn’t already…and she looks the part, but I wouldn’t run out to the track and sign her up just yet.

THE TOP THREE

3. Kelly Hu

Okay, so more Asian than Greek, but she has superhero experience, looks fantastic, and could quite believably kick your ass. Hollywood fudges ethnicity all the time, it’s not really an issue if you are right for the part, which I believe she is.

2. Angelina Jolie

The only reason she didn’t make #1 is because she might be just a smidge too old for the part now…but she has the right look, the action star pedigree, and a believable hint of the tragic in her. Just picture that photo above with the red scarf on top and tell me you wouldn’t mark opening day on your calendar!

and…

1. Rhona Mitra

This is a woman who looks like she would cause you serious, serious harm, and you would probably die with at least half an erection. She has that dangerous beauty, and steely determination that Elektra needs. If I met Rhona Mitra in a dark alley, and she pulled out a pair of sais I would be very nervous. And a little turned on. But then really scared again. Rhona wins based on sheer badassery alone.

So there it is…Who did I miss? By the way if you have any suggestions on which comic book heroine you’d like to see re-cast, let me know!

In the meantime…I’ll be in my bunk.

(Note: This is a repost of the original).

Part 4 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Storm arguably the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe. (In any kind of real life scenario, someone who controls the weather runs the world, but we’ll save that for another article)

Who is being recast?

Halle Berry

Now why would anyone in their right minds recast an Oscar winning actress widely known to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood? Well, I’ll tell you why. SHE’S TERRIBLE in this role. The accent in the first X-men movie was Costner-like in its inconsistency. And because of her top billing status, she demanded and got, more screen time thus pushing Cyclops to a much undeserved death in the 3rd movie. Even when she dropped the accent Storm didn’t seem like she could lead a cub scout troupe much less a band of powerful mutants. Besides, Catwoman means we get to retroactively revoke her comic book character card for good.

Now this was a tough one. I never used to think that there was racial and sexual inequality when it comes to casting in Hollywood until I tried to come up with a shortlist for this article and drew a huge blank. I actually had to do some digging around to find out who was out there. That means either a) There really aren’t that many great roles for African American women out there, or b) I am a horrible racist bastard.

I am sincerely hoping it’s A)

Honorable Mentions

Cassie Ventura

I personally had never heard of her until my friend Trevor suggested her. She is evidently a model and a singer, as well as a dancer. The pictures seem to say she’d look fantastic, and the dance training suggests she can probably do the wire work required for flying pretty well, but I’d have pretty severe reservations until I’d actually seen her act. Trevor, on the other hand would cast her in anything and everything and threatened the life of my cats if I did not include her on the list. So this one is for the well being of Mauser and Fluffypudge.

Sanaa Lathan

Another award winner, this one a Yale Graduate who cut her teeth on Broadway and has been in such heavy hitters as the TV adaptation of A Raisin In The Sun. You probably know her as Vanessa from Blade, or for the four of you who watched it, Alexa from AvP. She is also a regular on the Clevleand show, but again we’ll try not to hold that against her. I haven’t seen enough of her work to know for sure, but that is an impressive resume, and great screen presence right there.

Nia Long

Nia Long is used to handling the dramatic heavy lifting on Third watch, and some of the comedic heavy lifting (If there is indeed any to be had) on the Cleveland show. She’s also been in the Big Momma’s House movies, but her agent contacted us and asked us not to emphasize that too much. She seems to have that air of dignity and confidence that would be required for Storm. Definitely someone I hope to see more of.

BONUS QUESTION: What happens to a Toad when it is struck by lightning?

Answer: Everybody in the audience rolls their eyes

The “If I had a Time Machine Award” goes to

Nichelle Nichols Circa 1965

Yeah, I went there. At least I am a self aware huge Nerd. What about you? You are reading an article about Storm. Don’t judge me!

The Top 3

3. Gina Torres

Kicking ass and taking names aboard Serenity, Gina is the epitome of the strong black woman. She has the looks, the brains and the leadership qualities needed to make a great Storm. For the record, both Wash, and Morphius agree with me.

2. Zoe Saldana

Being the lead in the highest grossing science fiction film of all time (kind of) AND Playing Uhura sends Zoe’s geek cred through the roof. She was one of the highlights of a great Trek reboot, and if you insisted on skewing younger with the part, you couldn’t do much better than Zoe

And my #1 choice for Storm is…

Angela Basset

Okay she probably should have gone under the Time machine heading circa 1998, but hear me out…

This is, if I may be so bold as to pun horrifically “The Perfect Storm.” Strength, Charisma, Wisdom and all of those other D and D stats that go into making a great superhero. An amazing actress who looks like she could be kind and motherly one moment and whoop your ass the next. If I were an X-man, I would follow Angela Basset.

So that about wraps it up for this edition of the Casting Couch. Join us again soon…you don’t have to be blind to see that Elektra could use a bit of recasting.

The Correctness is working on cracking into the Hollywood market. We’ve been busy coming up with film ideas. Here are a few that we’ve pitched and, for reasons we can’t fathom, have been rejected.

HOLOCAUST DOLPHINS (Working Title)

The touching and troubling story of a pod of dolphins that are captured by Nazis and placed in a seaside internment camp in July 1940.Will the beauty of these majestic creatures overcome the cruelty of man? Can the dolphins find warmth and love in the midst of cold, unrelenting fascism?

CONSTANT ENCOUNTER

Shia LeBeouf to star in the story of an ordinary man who is placed in a series of strange, action filled encounters, while trying to discover the reason why he is being… we haven’t actually figured out the rest, but Shia, action, encounters!!!! Look, if Spielberg and Lucas don’t need to make sense in their screenplays these days, we don’t see why we should.

TO THE MANOR BOURNE

The story of a proper English butler and the house he tends. Trouble comes in the form of a young American maid and her uncouth ways, which sparks a forbidden and burning desire between them. Add a secret agent with amnesia to the mix, and we have a film guaranteed to please both men and women. Think Die Hard meets Howard’s End.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SENSELESS VIOLENCE

When the Mr. Dashwood dies, the Dashwood women are left in reduced circumstances. As they make their way to a cottage in the country, they succumb to rabies (or perhaps the ancient evil of vampirism?) and bite each other to death- though not before they feast on the flesh of half the innocent citizens of Upper Wickforderstecheshire. Come for the biting, stay for the lesbian vampire blood orgy.

LOW BUDGET VIRAL HORROR THING II: RETURN OF THAT THING: THE REBUDGETINATING

After the runaway success of Low Budget Viral Horror Thing, and their innovative ad campaign which was web based, or on youtube, or scrawled inside a downtown telephone booth, or some such, millions upon millions of dollars have been thrown at the production of a sequel. The original writer and director were sold up the river by the original producer, who accepted a check to pay off the original production costs, and green-lit a script for the sequel that barely resembles the original. Megan Fox takes her top off. Twice.