Vader & Me: An Intimate interview.

I arrived a Lord Vader’s Beverly Hills mansion.  LIke most of the homes in the area, Vaderland was a product of years of renovations, and the most recent changes were still in progress.“I’m sorry about the state of the place,” he said as he strode out to meet me from the grand entryway. “I’m using the same contractors as we used on the Death Star, and they tend to run behind schedule.”

He was out of full uniform, and today instead of a jet-black cape he was sporting a cotton Roots track jacket. He saw me looking him up and down, and he laughed lightly. “I picked this up in Banff on a ski trip. You’d be surprised what great discounts you can get on clothes of you choke the sales people with your mind.” I laughed, hoping that was a joke.

He lead me past an army of grey suited construction workers, all in Imperial military garb. He turned his head slightly to me as we made our way further inside. “They unionized since I last used them. I’d choke the whole bunch, but, Christ, the paperwork on the worker’s comp…”

The Dark Lord of the Sith lead me into the kitchen. It was an antiqued French- Provincial affair, marble counters and carefully faded painted wooden cabinets. “I’ve always wanted a kitchen like this. After the austerity of the Super Star Destroyer, I wanted a place that could be the heart of my home. I had them finish it first.”

Vader carefully opened up a window in the rather spacious breakfast “nook” and called up a playlist on the stereo. Dave Brubeck, Glen Miller, Fats Waller, a disparate jumble of jazz. With a guilty air, he drew a single Lucky Strike from a crumpled cardboard pack, lit it, and blew the smoke out the window. “It’s a bad habit I picked up on the Death Star II. I was going through a lot with my son, and my boss was being such a dick… I should quit, I mean, with a voice like this already…”

We chatted benignly about some of his house plans. None were what you would expect from a Jedi turned wrong, but his passion for his architectural preferences was disarming. ‘It’s all about function,” he continued “I mean, all those years in a galaxy far, far away, and all I wanted was to sit in a goddamn functional chair- look!” he indicated emphatically to the wooden chair he was on “It has arms! ARMS!” He finished his cigarette hastily, as though some one would reprimand him for smoking inside of his own house. “I had one great chair- you know the one, the throne inside the two metal cones?” he asked. I told him I remembered it. “That was a hell of a chair,” he continued, “A hell of a chair. Had a TV in it, and I could air out my scarred scalp. You know, helmet rash…”

He rose from the table. “I’m making breakfast for lunch, are you joining me?”. How could I say no? Before long there were some whole-wheat pancakes, sliced fruit, and a generous stack of bacon. “Take as much as you want,” he said, “I’m on a diet.” He patted his leather clad belly for emphasis.

“I suppose we should get down to it?”

It was of course why I was here, and I told him as much.

“No holds barred, as you say on your planet. Ask me anything.”

“What should I call you?” I asked.

“Well, my ‘Lord” title is strictly honourary these days, what with the Rebellion and all. I guess ‘Vader’ is kind of like a last name, but only ObiWan called me ‘Darth”, and I killed him shortly thereafter. You know what? You can call me Anakin.”

“But not ‘Ani’.” I said, hoping the taunt wouldn’t get me swiftly cauterized in twain.

“No, clearly not. Only two people got to call me Ani: My ex-wife, and a retarded jamaican fish man- the latter I tolerated because he was ‘special needs’”.

“Let’s start with your time with the Emperor.” I said. “I think you are most judged by people for that time.”

His breathing apparatus exhaled deeply for him. “ I was a young man when I turned to the dark side. People experiment, I was in love with this crazy hot chick. I mean, God, you should have seen her. The nerds on your planet would lose their minds over a girl like this. But, we broke up. I regret it all, I honestly do. That’s youth though, isn’t it? I mean, hasn’t everyone made mistakes? She was pregnant, I sent her away, I eradicated the Jedi who would have protected her, and then The Emperor told me I’d killed her.” he looked off into the distance wistfully- or as wistfully as a man with a black face mask can look, which it turns out, is pretty wistful.

“I was stuck with Palpatine then. I’d made my bed, I’d murdered all my friends, and I thought my family was dead as well. What I needed was an intervention… But who intervenes when you are so powerful? They’d be like ‘Oh, Lord Vader, we should talk,’ and I’d be all like “CHOKE!”, and then wait a few years until the next guy would try.”

“I know this is no excuse, but I was convinced Obi Wan was two-timing me with Padme.  That’s not a good feeling, just sort of eats you alive. I had to kill Obi Wan a few years later, and the prick just evaporated on me, like, wouldn’t even talk about it.” he paused for a moment to sip his espresso. “I’m being unfair. Nothing happened between those two, but I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head.”

“The younglings?”

“Huge misunderstanding. Huge. First off, were they young? Yes. Were they promising? I suppose from a certain perspective. Do I regret it? Yes, but have you ever smelled a young Jedi? Midichlorians are a microorganism, just like mildew. Or terrible foot fungus. It surrounds us and binds us. Those “adorable kids” smelled like a 2 day old Mon-Calamari hooker corpse in a sauna. It’s not an excuse- I just… Look, would I change a few things? Sure. That wasn’t premeditated. I was in an abusive relationship. The Emperor was controlling my feelings, and when I started to doubt him, he’d shock my balls with blue lightening. Have you ever have your balls electrocuted with pure hate?”

“Can’t say that I have…”

“Well it sucks something fierce, Slugger. It sucks something fierce.”

I couldn’t believe I had Darth Vader in such a cooperative mood. “Tell me about Alderaan,” I asked.

He took another slow intake of breath- or it seemed slower. “That was another big misunderstanding. I get blamed for that, but if people would look at the records, I think they will find that one is on Grand Moff Tarkin. You think the Emperor was bad? Try having that presumptuous prick as your boss. Holding my leash indeed.” he smiled disarmingly- I could tell because the “smile” light lit up on his chest plate.

I laughed quite hard. “You regret it then?”

Vader nodded “I had Alderaanean friends, and I had a hunch my daughter was being raised there- no proof, just a force thing…” he wiped some toast crumbs out of his mouth grille- I realized I hadn’t been watching him eat- how did he do it? No answer was forthcoming. Maybe food just forced it’s way in there somehow. Jedi snack technique.

“AT-ATs and AT-STs”. I said.

“Unbelievable. The wheel is one of the oldest inventions, but we build a military around tanks with legs, so every fuzzy asshole with an axe can defeat our infantry. So enraging.”

“Your kids,” I pressed.

“Okay. Again, abusive relationship- not an excuse, just context. So, I was told they were dead and I thought Palpatine was telling me the truth.  By the time it occurred to me he might be lying, they were older, and we were busy building the first Death Star. I didn’t think they would want to meet me. I posted an ad on Craigslist, hinting something about last Jedi seeks reconnection with family. Fucking Craigslist,” he shook his head.

“When Leia showed up on the Death Star, I knew she was my daughter- Same attitude as her mother, same implausible accent. I couldn’t say anything. I just said “she may be of use to us yet” to buy her some time, and then I had a menacing floating medical ball shoot her full of vitamin b. Luke thought I didn’t know about her. I did the big reveal of that detail in front of The Emperor. I knew all along. I can sense the force, and I’m only THE MOST POWERFUL JEDI OF ALL TIME. God.”

“Ewoks?”, I asked.

“Did I not say fuzzy assholes?” he said, sipping his coffee, somehow, again.

“Darth Maul?”

“Fight I would have liked to have. Instead I get Count Dooku. Sounds like a potty training euphemism- Did you get a visit from Count Dooku? Did you send him to Coruscant? Good boy!”

“Boba Fett?”

“Had more class than his father. Ruthless, just about money. I can get behind that.”

“Where are you in five years?”

He inhaled deeply and waited a moment, considering either the response, or some past pain. “I guess I always wanted to work with children, but I have a war crimes record. I’m supporting a few charities actively, and I’ve started “Darth’s Kids”. It’s like a program that takes inner city youth who have lost their parents, and turns them into unstoppable destructive psychic killing machines.  We’ve had some great successes- Miley Cyrus…”

“I totally get Hannah Montana now!” I exclaimed.

“Right? I know. I KNOW. So proud of that one.”.

“Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” I began gathering up my tape recorder.

“Yes. When it comes tie to tell the story of my life, I hope they don’t cut out the part at the end of Jedi where I return to the force with Obi wan and Yoda, and I’m the same  sad-eyed old man who was in the mask dying in Luke’s arms earlier. I swear on the grave of my mother, if they rotoscope in Hayden Christensen, I will return from the force and destroy your planet with my bare robotic hands.”.

Today, The Correctness takes a closer look at Luke Skywalker, whom many have lauded as a hero, both for his role in ending the grip of the Galactic Empire, as well as playing an important role in the Prophesy of Restoring Balance to the Force. However, there is another side to this mysterious youngster, one which we’d like to shed some light upon.

The first note of concern about the stability of Luke’s mental state comes from his reactions to the events that unfold in his personal life. There are a number of warning flags raised throughout his life. Luke is a restless young man when we first meet him as an adult. He’s eager for adventure, and for a life beyond Tatooine. Soon after acquiring a couple of robots, being attacked by Sandpeople, and meeting a strange hermit from the hills, Luke returns to his home to discover his aunt and uncle, who have raised him since birth, have been horrifically killed. This, in combination with the knowledge that his father was more than what he originally thought sparks the beginning of the change in his persona.

The next critical event occurs when Ben Kenobi is “slain” by Darth Vader. Luke seems overly distraught and traumatized by this event, though he had known Kenobi for a few days. In fact, he seems more shaken by this than his earlier loss. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, and call it the release of his repressed anguish from the Tatooine events.

His immediate reaction to this is to fly back to the Death Star, and destroy it. According to people way nerdier than we could ever hope to be, the population of Death Star I was 31,622,963. So Luke’s torpedo essentially killed the population of California, a place filled with clones, reconstructed people, and British Officers (?).

A more reasonable response would have perhaps been to get the information about the Death Star to places where the people could see what their government was up to, and create an uprising, but hey, that’s a lot of work.

We skip forward to the days where Luke spends a lot of time in isolation, wandering the frozen wastes. When the base on Hoth is attacked, he flees, heading for the swamps of Dagobah. There, he does a half-assed job of learning some Jedi stuff, and runs away from that, against the advice of his 900 year old Master.

He then does relatively little to actually help his friends, and meets sees father for the second time. This would be the first time they meet face to mask. Vader cuts Luke’s hand off (a family tradition!) and tells him that he is Luke’s father. Luke’s already fragile mind snaps, and he attempts suicide rather than let his father help him to safety. Luckily, he survives.

After a somewhat successful rescue of Han Solo, marred by the great Jedi Knight being tricked by a Hutt, Luke returns to Dagobah to finish his training. But, oh no, Yoda is dying. If only Luke had listened in the first place, he might have actually been trained properly. But Luke isn’t about finishing things, mostly he likes starting, and then taking off.

Another Death Star is discovered (and the originality of that idea is a whole separate article) and the Rebels race off to destroy it. Luke is feeling all Jedilike, and surrenders to Vader (meeting # 2). He’s all ” You’re my father, and there is good in you”. Maybe this is his mind dealing with fact that he’s discovered the only girl he’s lusted after in his adult life is his sister. At any rate, after a prolonged encounter, in which the last vestiges of Luke’s mind are bashed around by family loyalty vs power etc etc, Luke’s goodyness allows Vader to throw the Emperor down a shaft (don’t get me started). Vader is dying, and Luke helps him and drags him back to a shuttle to escape the Death Star II.

At this point, Vader was probably thinking,”Why is my son helping me like i’m an old man, instead of Force Floating me to the shuttle?” Why? Because Luke missed that day in class, because he’s an idiot.

Luke doesn’t react much to Vader’s death, as they’ve only met the two times, and has tried to kill him pretty much every time they’re within 10 kilometres of each other.

Luke’s Reaction to the death of important people in his life:
Aunt and Uncle: Scream and look off into distance
Ben Kenobi: Scream and go into shock
Yoda: Look sad
Vader: Look sad

The net effect of all of this is that the Galaxy is “saved” from people who actually have a solid grasp of the Force, and turned over to a group of people for whom planning consists of “what, a threat? ATTACK!”. Also, the only 2 people we know of in the galaxy that are Force Sensitive are

1)The guy who missed most of the training, grew up without real parents, tried to nail his sister, and was stalked by his father, killed 31 million people, and can’t control his emotions enough to use his powers.

2) His sister.

At this point, R2D2 and Chewbacca, the only living members of the original Rebel Alliance and resident super spies, are shaking their respective heads and wondering if this was all worth it.

While there is no clear conclusion, it seems pretty clear that the galaxy might have been better off under the somewhat more stable Palpatine. Who knows what kind of havoc could be unleashed at the first sign of any distress on Luke’s behalf.