Over at Periannath.com, they’ve posted a wonderful article in response to our “10 reasons why Gandalf is a terrible wizard.”

Unlike the responses over at fark (which are usually much better, this time they felt unenthusiastic), they go beyond the “U R SUCK” level, and actually engage in a debate about the topic, adding some reasons why Gandalf is a great wizard.

Thus, in the spirit of debate and discourse, we implore you to head over and read

10 Reasons Why Gandalf is The Greatest Wizard Evar

Dearest Correctness Readers:

Due to recent concerns about certain members of our writing team and their certain problem with a certain kick-ass wizard, it behooves us, nay, it behooves ME, your faithful master of the undercard, to write a fair fight for a maligned magician.

Today’s undercard pits two white bearded old men against each other in a battle to the death for the love of humanity. In this corner, over by your start button, (or for those of you more civilized, over by your finder icon in your dock) is Gandalf The Grey/White, Wizard King of the Lollipop Guild and whatnot! In this corner (if I understand the placement of competitors in wrestling or boxing correctly, and therefore somewhere over by your search window, or by a post-it note of who to call when your Dell crashes), is Santa Claus, Jolly Fat Greed Bringer!

Let’s meet our two warriors and see who truly is the beardiest battler!

Gandalf the Grey, and later, the reincarnated Gandalf the White, has a few things going for him. First of all- and this is key- unlike the goddamn Submariner, Gandalf has no tiny ankle wings to speak of. I mean, what purpose do Namor’s tiny ankle wings serve? What aerodynamic value do they have– what good are feathers underwater? But I digress, frequently, as our regular readers know. Gandalf has no ankle wings, but he is an Istari, which is kind of like a wizard. In the Undying Lands, Gandalf was a Maia spirit- Maia you may know better as the composer of “Paper Planes”. Anyway, some time after the first round of ring business started up, and before  the final round of ring business, Gandalf was sent to Middle earth to straighten things out, make friends, and sit through Entmoots. That fact alone should be enough to convince anyone of his immense power, and it makes the volumes and volumes of elven poetry he has probably suffered through seem like leafing through Mr. Silly at the dentist’s office.

I should clarify that this is information I have gleaned from reliable sources, such as the time I made it, I shit you not, fully 2/3 of the way through The Silmarillion before I began having sex with a real live woman on a regular basis. Tolkien gave us the Silmarillion so he could really rub in the concept of the tedium of an Entmoot. He could turn to his friends and say “Did you enjoy the Silmarillion? No? Well, imagine that times ten, and you have an Entmoot”.

Entmoot. 'Nuff said.

I know, I know, some of you will rush in to defend the Silmarillion,  but I submit to you the appendices in return of the King and The Silmarillion are to the Lord of the Rings universe as Episodes 1-3 are to the Star Wars universe: Not the interesting part of the story, and you regret having involved yourself with it.

For the record, Gandalf also has a magical ring, Narya, the ring of fire. It was given to him by Cirdan, who in turn received the ring from Celebrimbor. Celebrimbor, as you are all no doubt aware, is a powerful antidepressant whose famous catchphrase is “Celebrate life: Celebrimbor”.  Before any of you check your copy of Return of the King to see if I am pronouncing that correctly, I encourage you to go outside for a while, even if it’s just to the comic book store. In any case, Gandalf has one of the Elven rings, and as such it should have some powers of some kind, despite not appearing to serve any real purpose at all, ask Galadriel about hers.

Our other competitor is well known to most earth humans, and by “most” I mean “western Christians conflicted about Jesus”. His name is Santa Claus. Santa Claus a Maia spirit who was at one time the servant of the Dark Lord Melkor, who himself was a more-powerful-than-a-Maia-spirit-Ainur-spirit.  During the Second age, Santa returned in the form of Annatar, “The Bringer of Gifts”, and along with secretively forging the One Ring, Santa shared his fine metal work with many elves and the kings of men.  It is said that every Easter season, specifically on Life Day, all the Wookies of Kashyyyk would wear rings of power which sustained them sexually by preventing blood from draining from their furry wangs. When Santa Claus was eventually slain by Isildur, Santa’s terrible life force was gradually channeled into an all-seeing-eye that watched over Mordor. The all-seeing-eye is an image still used today by the Freemasons, and that is why Shriners fund circuses for children, in honour of Annatar. Clear? Santa is also known for forging the one ring to enslave the elves of the north, and force them to do his cruel bidding. One elf, known as “Hermey”, discovered Santa’s ploy, and was cast out of Mordor forever to live in Valinor with the rest of the misfit toys.

what a shit dentist...

Gandalf has been known to win fights out of his weight category. Balrogs, the kind which Gandalf encountered at Khazad-Dum, were also Maia spirits, and big followers of the post-dub music scene. Therefore, while the size difference between a balrog and Gandalf is intimidating, the fight at Khazad-Dum was a fair one because both competitors were Maiar. To Gandalf’s significant credit, he punched that balrog so hard he somehow ended up back on top of the mountain he started out miles beneath. For those of you who are physicists, that means Gandalf hit a guy so hard he travelled directly through the linear space of the universe, exited the universe, crashed through the top of the universe, and landed just shy of exactly where he started.

Since Santa Claus is also a Maia, and his disembodied form oversees the reconstruction of Minas Morgul with the assistance of his undead Ring- Reindeer, and Haliburton, he should fare well against Gandalf. Also, Santa has legendarily defeated Jesus in terms of marketing appeal (See Charlie Brown Christmas, Battle of).

Not much is more powerful than the Maiar, except inexplicably for Tom Bombadil. Tom Bombadil out-jollies Santa any day of the week, and out-beards Gandalf without even exposing his full growth. Some argue Tom Bombadil is also a maia spirit, others argue he is creepy as fuck.

Both of our competitors, white bearded and resplendent in anachronistic clothing, prefer to spend the majority of their time with humaoid creatures that are significantly shorter than themselves. Santa loves kids a bit too much, and Gandalf loves hobbits a bit too much.

Once both competitors enter the ring- sorry, let’s call it an arena to avoid confusion- things could get very interesting. The first part of the fight would be mostly spent waiting for Santa to manifest in some form or another.  Let’s face it, one of the big narrative issues with Tolkien’s epic is the fact that his antagonist is a googlie-eye on a popsicle stick, an image produced by kindergarten children everywhere in honour of Christmastime.

Once Santa is finally in the ring, being towed by his hellish wraith-deer, he will take out his sack and start shoving presents down everyone’s chimneys. He will force his fat girth through your tiny chimney, repeatedly, and then cover your warm hearth with his sticky presents.  He may only stay long enough to drink your thick creamy milk, rimming his white beard with more cream, and then eat you out of “cookies”. You will be expected to thank him.

Gandalf does not take likely to having his personal space invaded (see: Khazad-Dun, Bridge of), is disdainful of being passed (see: Pass, You Shall Not), and most certainly does not want his chimney stuffed. Indeed, Gandalf would far rather smoke pipe and gently blow rings than have his chimney plugged, such is his oral fixation.

The first twenty minutes of this fight you’d better believe will have a lot of shouting and bluster. Santa will we jacked up on Coca-Cola, and will have no doubt brought the strangely coexisting polar bears and penguins of Beleriand with him to aid him in his fight. Nothing that comes out of the north pole, especially the closer you get to Angband, is worth tangling with.

Gandalf also will have assistance from giant eagles, and probably some moths. If you doubt the benefit of giant eagles, and hell, if you doubt the benefit of moths, I refer you to “Godzilla vs. Mothra” to see how awesome large flying insects are. Yes, eagles are insects too. They have eight legs, just like ants. The traditional taxonomic system is Life:Anamalia: Kaiju: Mothra: Godzilla: Moths: Eagles and Other Eight-Legged Insects: Humons and Other Insects: Humons: Humans. All Maiar are Kaiju, but not shitty like Gamera.

Inevitably, Gandalf will summon Mothra, as well as probably those creepy, tiny Japanese twins who are supposed to be the Cosmos Voices that live in a shoebox and sing songs and touch hands but never kiss (see: Godzilla and Mothra: Battle for Earth, The)… Anyway, once Mothra is summoned, you’d better believe Santa is being tossed around in his sleigh pretty good for a while, and possibly being irradiated.

Santa wouldn’t be out of tricks however, friends, because he can summon the entire legal team of the Coca-Cola corporation, and they will actively sue Gandalf for illegally wearing a white beard in violation of trademark law. Santa Clause has existed longer, historically, ever since the Second Age of Middle Earth, and was drawn to appear jolly for magazine advertisements.

Eventually, the robes are going to come off, and you are going to be witness to the most awkward Grecal-Roman old-man wrestling you can possibly conceive of in your darkest nightmares. You are going to have to watch these two, mano y mano, flabby pecs and wiggly arm skin, grunting and sweating and rolling all over the ground.

After days and elf-song worthy days of struggling and farting, Gandalf will emerge victorious, because Santa is very seriously obese, and must be in a near diabetic coma from all the cookies and coke.

Winner: Gandalf

Loser: You the next time you look at your father in the pool.

For some reason or another, I recently decided to throw the Lord of the Rings films on, and while I was watching, it occurred to me: Gandalf is a terrible wizard. He’s terrible. Pants. Teh suck.

I know, you’re already arguing with me in the comments board in your mind, but allow me to lay it out for you. Gandalf is a “powerful wizard” and a member of “The White Council” and possibly a member of the “ACLU”. During the films, through other character’s actions and dialogue, we’re to believe that Gandalf is a figure of great importance and power. With that in mind, let’s take a trip through reality.

1. He’s almost undone before things get going

Admittedly, this is more to do with the power of the One Ring, and less with Big G himself. But come on. Gandalf isn’t that stupid, he had suspicions of what the ring really was, and still ended up in a position to be tempted by it at Bilbo’s place. A bit like an alcoholic visiting his friend’s place when he hears about a strange powerful liquid in a bottle. Ill advised.

2. Gets Suckerpunched by Saruman
Gandalf visits Saruman, another powerful wizard, and is totally cold-cocked by him. He might not have had reason to suspect Saruman, but that just adds to the evidence of lack of good judgement. Then he’s imprisoned at the top of a tower, escaping by talking to a butterfly. Yup, you read that right. The butterfly goes for help, gets a big eagle to come, and Gandalf is back in the game. Minus 2000 points for falling for that. My opponent can cause massive snowstorms, create a new life form, and transport me to a prison tower, but I can make the talky talky with the pretty Mariposa.

3. Gets Suckerpunched by Saruman AGAIN

Gandalf leads the Fellowship to the pass at Mount Caradhras, where, you guessed it, Saruman sends a big storm to stop their progress, dumping a mountain of snow on them. C’mon Gandalf, wake the hell up! Get your game together. You’re a super power wizard. Stop falling for this crap. Your opponent is really freaking old. You can’t out think him even once? In his defense, there didn’t appear to be any butterflies on the mountain.

4. Gets outsmarted by a hobbit

Okay, so after they get back down the mountain, they try to enter the mines of Moria, through a door near a lake. Apart from being surprised by the creature in the lake, which seems to be a theme for these guys, Gandalf is absolutely stymied by what is roughly a 4th grade level riddle. On the door, in Elvish, it says “Speak Friend and Enter”. Gandalf the Grey, of the White Council, Wizard extrordinaire, can’t suss this one out. They’re literally sitting around, waiting, until Frodo comes up with the obvious answer.

5. He’s kind of a dick, too
Okay, this is not a reason why he’s a bad wizard, but in general, he seems to have two responses to things: get mad, or be fooled by. In the mines, one of hobbits (Pippin, I think) knocks a suit of armor into a badly placed well/hole, causing a huge racket and alarming the Orcs and Trolls to their presence. He reams Pippin out, being a big jerk about it. I guess you’re the only one allowed to make huge mistakes endangering everyone, right G?

6. Didn’t watch his footing

When the party tries to escape Moria, they are confronted with a Balrog. Now, don’t get me wrong, Balrogs are pretty tough, and show up at inconvenient times, like when you’re fleeing Orcs, or right before you leave on summer vacation, when the car is packed and you’re LITERALLY walking back to it from locking up the house, or 4:30 on a Friday with a bunch of reports that it suddenly needs today, though it knew that this morning and could have said something then. Fucking Balrogs. Anyway, Gandalf decides to put this one down using gravity, by snapping his staff and breaking the bridge under its feet. Pretty good, redeeming himself a LOT here. But he takes his eye off the ball, and the balrog grabs his leg, and pulls him down into the pit. Gandalf has never seen a slasher film, obviously, or he wouldn’t have made this mistake.

7. Needs a second life

Okay, so Gandalf shows up again in the woods, and when asked how he can be alive, he tells the boys that he fought the Balrog for days and finally beat him, possibly through the use of a combo move. Then, he himself died, and went all Dave Bowman on us. Then “they” sent him back to put right what once went wrong, until he finally makes the leap home. Or something like that.

But, and this is just a theory, what if, he made all that crap up? What if he died when he fell, and then “they” rolled their eyes and shook their heads, and upped his power level, and threw him back in the game, hoping he’d be better. Really we only have Gandalf’s word as to what happened.

And better he was. Gandalf the White is able to take on Sauruman for the control of mind of the King of Rohan. Ha! Take that! Fool me twice, shame on me, but the third time I’ll probably win!

After that he pisses off again to rally some horsemen to arrive in time, or rather, a little bit late at Helm’s Deep. But, okay, he “saves the day”, for those still alive. After a bit of celebration, it’s back to get the hobbits at Isengard.

8. Leaves Ultra-Powerful Crystal Ball lying around

After Merry and Pippin find the Palantir in the wreckage of Isengard, Gandalf scoops it up in his cloak, in the fashion that one would use to say, clean a bowling ball. Then it’s back to Rohan for a night of drinking then off to bed for everyone. But does Gandalf put a protecty-type spell on the magic 8 ball? Nope. Tucks it to his chest, and goes to sleep with his eyes open (SUPER creepy, btw). A young hobbit is emotionally scarred due to this carelessness. As punishment, he is forced to continue to travel with Gandalf to Minas Tirith, where he tries to convince the Steward to raise his armies. The Steward is not impressed, but eventually does so.

9. Beats down a grieving father

When Denethor, steward of Gondor discovers his son is dead, Gandalf’s response is to cold-cock him, and assume control of the army. Now, aside questioning the generals of the Gondor army, who don’t seem to have any problem with this at all, we have to question this sort of behavior. We already know that Gandalf is kind of a dick to everyone except Frodo, but this one might be crossing the line a little. Later, when Denethor thinks his second son is also dead, and erroneously attempts to burn him on a funeral pyre at the top of Minas Tirith (and don’t even get me started on the design of this city!), Gandalf’s response is to trample the guy with his super-horse and “accidentally” knock him on to the funeral pyre, not bothering to pull him out in time to save his life. Poor Faramir. Wake up from huge injuries to see your dad, then realize he’s burning to death in front of you. To make matters worse, Denethor then runs off and falls to his death. That run covers a HUGE distance, the sort of distance a guy on a super horse could easily cover in time to stop him.

10. Total lack of Wizard Type actions in battle

Okay, so through the battle of Minas Tirith, and the following battle at the gates of Mordor, Gandalf does chop up some orcs with his sword. But where is the magic? Dude, you’re a White Wizard now. Give us a snowstorm, or a rolling lighting storm, etc. Hell, even a butterfly would be better than nothing. But that’s what we get. Nothing. This is the guy who fought a Balrog to death (allegedly), but he can’t even step up during the battle that can’t be won (oops, sorry that would be every battle in the film). He’s able to convince the giant eagles to fetch Frodo later, but not during the battle to mess with the Orcs? Where’s the shiny staff of a million lumens to take out the Nazgul? No, we’ll leave that for Eowyn, who is “no man” (insert eye roll here). Btw, the Witch King of Angmar has something in common with Rock Iv’s Ivan Drago. They both utter the line “I will break him” (give or take) with a straight face.

So there you have it. Gandalf starts out horribly, redeems himself a bit in the Two Towers, and sits most of the battle out in Return of the King. I’d recommend to our readers, if you’re attempting to re-watch the movies, you’d be well served to try the following: After the Fellowship is broken at the end of the first film, skip over any scene with Frodo, Sam and Gollum in it. The movies become MUCH better.

What say you? Defend your girly-man “wizard” below!

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Weather:

While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.

Dining out:

Unless you ate with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, or are packing lembas, it’s going to be pretty slim pickings on the downs. Wights have an unparalleled disinterest in fine cuisine, unless, again, you count sucking your will to live as dining, which the authors of this guidebook certainly do not.

********

Isengard and Area:

Accommodations:

Since only the foolhardy would risk the Fangorn forest, Orthanc becomes the only viable housing in much of Isengard. Sadly, to paraphrase Gandalf’s review of Edoras in the Riddermark, the courtesy of this hall is somewhat lessened of late. There is really only one central room in Orthanc, and recent guests have found the interior to be a post-modern hodgepodge of a design- somewhat like the Fortress of Solitude, but with none of the Scandinavian cleanliness. The roof, watch your step, is exceptionally spiky, and being hurled against it repeatedly would be uncomfortable at best.

Entertainment:

Well, it’s a real stretch to call an Entmoot entertaining, so bring your special brownies if you are going to listen to this listless whale music all night. Otherwise, it’s a view of the orc pits which, while industrial, are quite remarkable. The writers of this guidebook heartily recommend you bring your pipeweed either way.

********

Rivendell/ Imladris:

Entertainment:

The mood of Rivendell is entirely dependent on the mood of the Elves. Visit with Bilbo, and it’s all show tunes and travel songs, ALL THE TIME. Visit during the end of the Third Age, and it’s all Elrond being pissy, and hardly a jam session or drum circle in sight. We recommend going during the summer.

If you are out dancing, we recommend learning the Misty Mountain Hop.

Timekeeping:

Bring a world clock with you, time passes differently in Rivendell than it does in the rest of Middle Earth. Women on oral contraceptives should take note, especially if they have had anything to drink while visiting Fangorn forest…

Language:

Learning Elvish is a bit like learning Castilian Spanish. Expect to do a lot of lisping.

*******

The Mines of Moria:

Security and Access:

If you want to get in through the Doors of Durin, don’t forget your password. We cannot emphasize this enough. The neighbourhood outside the doors is run down, and the nearby lake is not safe for swimming. The Watcher in the Lake is not to be mistaken for a lifeguard.

Balrog encounters:

Near the bridge of Khazad-Dum, but anywhere in the main mine really, you might encounter a Balrog. First off, it is NOT more scared of you than you are of it. This is a common misconception. Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to feed the Balrog. Unless you are the servant of a sacred fire, and the wielder of the Flame of Anor, you are likely to be eaten. Here are some tips:

1. Store your food in designated Balrog proof containers, or regional parks “food hang” sites.

2. Avoid any sudden movement and loud noises. This is also useful when avoiding large parties of orcs with cave trolls.

3. Play dead. The Balrog isn’t so much interested in eating you, as he is interested in destroying you.

4. Do not leave your party to take flash photography of the Balrog. Most large creatures are annoyed by camera flashes, especially those that live in the dark.

*******

Mordor on 1-2 days:

Highlights:

If you loved the pomp and circumstance of the Black Gates, we think you’ll be disappointed by the alternate entrance at Minas Morgul, particularly if you don’t like spiders.

Getting around:

The terrain in Mordor is largely volcanic, and we heartily recommend a good pair of hiking boots. Your casual walking shoes simply will not do.

Travel though Mordor is mostly forced marches, so try not to get dehydrated, or frustrated by the constant shouting and whipping.

Security:

The All Seeing Eye is a remarkable security feature. It’s sees inside you soul and knows your will. On the down side, the eye has it’s own agenda, but rest assured, you are under constant surveillance. Travelling to any country with a police-state ethic like this can be a blessing and a curse, but it’s best just to go with the flow, stick to the rules, and enjoy the security benefits. Unlike Singapore, chewing gum is allowed.

Shopping in Mordor:

The main commodity of interest is the One Ring, though any of the great rings are up for discussion. If you have the One Ring, expect to be drawn inextricably to Barad-Dur, and expect headaches, insomnia, and depression.

Other transactions in Mordor are made primarily by stabbing you for your shiny things, so wear a money belt.

Accomodations:

The Orcs have fleas, a bed-net is strongly recommended.

Advice for Couples:

Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, But Gollum, and the Evil One crept up and slipped away with her.

Language:

The Black speech of Mordor will get you negative attention . Use the common tongue, or Orcish if you must -Or, alternatively, try Castilian Spanish.

The Shire and Surrounding Area:

Dining:

Expect to be eating all the time. Food will be your largest expense in the Shire, as Hobbits have insatiable appetites. Vegans, vegetarians, and those avoiding carbohydrates can expect limited menus, and little assistance from the halflings. In fact, those with alternative diets of any kind will be considered rude. Try Gondor if you want a little Human understanding about your digestive issues. Otherwise, make with the sticky cakes.

Shopping in the Shire:

Well, while the wares available in the shire are by no means as technically brilliant as those made by the dwarves, nor as elegant as those of the elves, there are a lot of off-brand options. Leather goods, walking sticks, detailed regional maps, and tupperware are all readily available.

Safety:

Get used to feeling tall. As a practice, duck every time you enter a building.

Health Concerns:

The Hobbits never wear shoes. The fact that they are constantly eating and strolling around without footwear is difficult for some travellers. No matter how well groomed the Hobbits are, the subtle foot smell is pervasive. Again, the writers of this guide cannot emphasize this enough. PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Diabetics can expect death by snacks, and non diabetics can expect to develop type II diabetes.

Romance for Singles:

Of all the lands you might travel to, you are most likely to find yourself attractive in the Shire. If your preferences tend to sway towards short, stocky, foot-odoured people, then this might be just the adventure you’ve been looking for. Beware a sort of reverse racism, your height and good looks might garner suspicion and even disdain. If trying to impress a potential partner, discussion of your travel outside the Shire is considered uncouth. Try sticking to the basics like how much you enjoy potatoes, or how attractive you find their curly foot hair. Do not bring up the PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):

This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):

This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!

Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):

If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.

A personal story here:

Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.

Unavailable Girl: What?

Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.

Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.

1 MONTH LATER

Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.

Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.

DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.

Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.

Finally, Karnes the Barbarian was to be Karnes the King.

After being born to the lowest peasantry, sold into slavery and having travelled the many lands of Albanon, from one great ocean to another, after tireless years of seeking his true path, Karnes had found a kingdom of his own.

Karnes was in his chamber awaiting the coronation. The morning sun shone down upon his kingdom, and into his royal quarters. His heart swelled as he sipped the last of his sweet , dark coffee, which had come imported from the hot desert lands of Baranuir to the south. He held aloft his enchanted sword Xarxis, and gazed upon himself in the Mirror of Agnor- a hard won trophy from the hideous Pits of Krundoon, where he had battled the She-Witch Garlac and her giant spider apprentice Fuzzlebutt the Wicked. Karnes set aside Xarxis, and his flagon of coffee as the faintest gurgle passed through his bowels. If that was nerves then so be it. He had faced many terrors in his life, and a slightest burbling in his gut was a small price to pay for his day of exaltation!

He watched in the mirror as maidens of the palace oiled his rippling muscles, and scented him with sweet perfumes. Another maiden combed his hair with a comb of the finest dragon bone- If she could only imagine the effort to escape the cave of the Great Red Dragon Wardick alive- let alone with dragon bones in tow! How these maidens would have loathed him as a mercenary so many years ago, but how they loved him now as their High King!

Karnes finished another flagon of coffee (so dutifully refilled by his many comely servants), when something occurred to him. Yes, he had slain the Ogres of Tangle’s Deep, yes he had tricked the Warlock King of Hellsbridge Meadows (Oh, if only the Warlock King had survived to see Hellsbridge meadows become “Hellsbridge Meadows Resort Developments Inc.”, Karnes’ sweet revenge would have been all the sweeter) , yes he had climbed the insurmountable peaks of Zordan, but at the moment, he thought to himself, after all his achievements “ I could really take a dump right now. That would totally smooth out this coronation”.
Alas, in came his Chancellor, his old friend, Greggg(g). “My Liege!”, said Greggg(g), “ The whole kingdom awaits you in the courtyard! Soon, as you stand on the balcony of your mighty castle, you will be crowned and be triumphant at last, the High King of Karnessia!”

“Truly!” said Karnes. “But first, I wonder if I have time…”. But there was no time, not for the poop he was beginning to think he really should have taken ten minutes ago. If this was to be his coronation, he thought to himself, it would’ve been nice to not have his mind on those Elven Bran Cakes he had this morning. “No matter,” he reassured himself, “this is the destiny I have sought my whole life!”.

Outside, on the vast palace balcony, he could see hundreds of thousands of his loyal subject gathered below in the grand courtyard of his noble city- his noble city, now known forever as Karnes City. Atop the balcony were his truest friends, his courtiers, all manner of things a slave boy could scarcely have dreamed while at the whips of his former masters- Masters long since slain and whose families Karnes had chased to the four winds. Oh, rest assured, he had heard the lamentations of their women. That’s one of those things that’s best in life when you’ve been in the barbarian business so long.

Karnes looked back over his shoulder to the antechamber. “I wonder”, he thought to himself “If I just slipped out for like, 5 minutes, the orchestra could play one more song, I could take that poo, and I could come back for the coronation and give it my full attention”. But no, the ceremonial torches had been lit, and a hush fell over the crowd. His thoughts turned briefly to the “Feast of A Thousand meats” last night. That was some party, but By Crom’s Beard, that was a lot of meat.

The Vice Regent came forward to address the throng below. An aging man who served so long as the steward of the crown, he spoke aloud, in a voice that carried clear as a mountain stream across the mighty plaza below. “Karnes!” he cried “You have defeated the great serpents, you have rid the land of the orc scourge, and you have won the hearts of the people! In you we have found the true king that prophecy has foretold for nigh on 1000 years!

The massive crowd burst into clamorous cheering and applause, but a hush fell upon them as the ceremony continued.

Karnes smiled benignly. He was starting to get the butt sweats. He hated the butt sweats. ‘Oh man, finally, King, oh man, I really hope this doesn’t take too long…”. He squeaked out a small but particularly rank fart. Yes, it was past time Karnes took that dump, but the timing was worse now than ever. To be frank, Karnes only got the butt sweats in two situations: When he was bitten and poisoned to within seconds of his mortal doom by Fuzzlebutt the Wicked, and when he really had to drop a log. Half the reason he had so thoroughly slain Fuzzlebutt and his master the She-Witch was because it made him so damn cranky to feel like he did when he was yearning to cop a squat. Slew? Slain? Oh, t’was truly poopin’ time, to be sure.

Karnes caught the eye of his great faithful friend Greggg(g), and gave him a pleading look and a quick head jerk towards the antechamber to indicate his plan. Greggg(g), having caught a whiff of the stale winds that emerged from the mighty barbarian’s toned buttocks, simply locked eyes with Karnes and shook his head ‘No!”.

Karnes watched as the 13 virgins bearing censers walked around him, all 37 times as required by the Prime Number Directive. Not even a baker’s dozen of hot, naked virgins could distract Karnes form the bloaty, tectonic feeling of a monstrous poop-mole bursting forth from his freshly dug butt burrow. Normally, 13 virgins would be need enough for Karnes to have to start thinking about something boring, but right now there was only one thing on his mind: his royal commode and the silken wipes which lay beside it. Possibly an old “Far Side gallery”.

The ceremony went on for hours, parade after unending parade of dignitaries, of oracles, of symbolic boulder tossing. Karnes was even feeling a bit half-hearted when it came time to be suspended in the royal silks and be reborn to the people, despite how fun that rigging looked.

Finally, as the ceremony wound to a close, Karnes was smiling widely, and proudly, as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He took a fresh joy in the moment and knew that this would truly be one of his greatest days, the culmination of all that he had ever wanted, past, and present, and even future.

The Vice Regent held aloft his hands and once again the tremendous crowd below was rapt, hushed, and utterly silent.

“It is time” cried the Vice Regent. “Speak oh King!”

Karnes stepped forward to the precipice of the great balcony, the warmest smile on his face that any man could wear. He turned quickly back to his faithful friend Greggg(g) and gave him a look of supreme confidence. Greggg(g) was elated to see such a shift in Karnes’ mood.

“People of the High Kingdom of Karnessia!” called Karnes, his voice carrying more joy and pride than any they had heard for so long.

He continued. “About an hour ago, I, Karnes, your High King, shit my pants.”

From the crowd below came first, silence. Then, the sound of one lone man clapping in a slow rhythm.

Soon, like dominoes, a tremendous ovation burst forth from the gathered masses. Freedom, finally, for the citizens of Karnessia. The size and duration of the joyous celebration below was only very slightly overwhelmed , in the subtlest way, by a new and pervasive poop smell wafting up from the manifold denizens of Karnessia.

Freedom, freedom at last. Crom has given Karnessia a noble new leader, and we now, can poop our pants whenever.

And that’s why, on the festival of the summer solstice, you wash your damn hands before you eat the Feast of A Thousand Meats. Is that understood?

Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!

Staying in the Barrow Downs:

Accommodations:

Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.

Weather:

While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.

Dining out:

Unless you ate with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, or are packing lembas, it’s going to be pretty slim pickings on the downs.  Wights have an unparalleled disinterest in fine cuisine, unless, again,  you count sucking your will to live as dining, which the authors of this guidebook certainly do not.

********

Isengard and Area:

Accommodations:

Since only the foolhardy would risk the Fangorn forest, Orthanc becomes the only viable housing in much of Isengard. Sadly, to paraphrase Gandalf’s review of Edoras in the Riddermark, the  courtesy of this hall is somewhat lessened of late.  There is really only one central room in Orthanc, and recent guests have found the interior to be a post-modern hodgepodge of a design- somewhat like the Fortress of Solitude, but with none of the Scandinavian cleanliness. The roof, watch your step, is exceptionally spiky, and being hurled against it repeatedly would be uncomfortable at best.

Entertainment:

Well, it’s a real stretch to call an Entmoot entertaining, so bring your special brownies if you are going to listen to this listless whale music all night. Otherwise, it’s a view of the orc pits which, while industrial, are quite remarkable. The writers of this guidebook heartily recommend you bring your pipeweed either way.

********

Rivendell/ Imladris:

Entertainment:

The mood of Rivendell is entirely dependent on the mood of the Elves. Visit with Bilbo, and it’s all show tunes and travel songs, ALL THE TIME. Visit during the end of the Third Age, and it’s all Elrond being pissy, and hardly a jam session or drum circle in sight. We recommend going during the summer.

If you are out dancing, we recommend learning the Misty Mountain Hop.

Timekeeping:

Bring a world clock with you, time passes differently in Rivendell than it does in the rest of Middle Earth.  Women on oral contraceptives should take note, especially if they have had anything to drink while visiting Fangorn forest…

Language:

Learning Elvish is a bit like learning Castilian Spanish. Expect to do a lot of lisping.

*******

The Mines of Moria:

Security and Access:

If you want to get in through the Doors of Durin, don’t forget your password. We cannot emphasize this enough. The neighbourhood outside the doors is run down, and the nearby lake is not safe for swimming. The Watcher in the Lake is not  to be mistaken for a lifeguard.

Balrog encounters:

Near the bridge of Khazad-Dum, but anywhere in the main mine really, you might encounter a Balrog. First off, it is NOT more scared of you than you are of it. This is a common misconception. Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to feed the Balrog. Unless you are the servant of a sacred fire, and the wielder of the Flame of Anor, you are likely to be eaten.  Here are some tips:

1. Store your food in designated Balrog proof containers, or regional parks “food hang” sites.

2. Avoid any sudden movement and loud noises. This is also useful when avoiding large parties of orcs with cave trolls.

3. Play dead. The Balrog isn’t so much interested in eating you, as he is interested in destroying you.

4. Do not leave your party to take flash photography of the Balrog.  Most large creatures are annoyed by camera flashes, especially those that live in the dark.

*******

Mordor on 1-2 days:

Highlights:

If you loved the pomp and circumstance of the Black Gates, we think you’ll be disappointed by the alternate entrance at  Minas Morgul, particularly if you don’t like spiders.

Getting around:

The terrain in Mordor is largely volcanic, and we heartily recommend a good pair of hiking boots. Your casual walking shoes simply will not do.

Travel though Mordor is mostly forced marches, so try not to get dehydrated, or frustrated by the constant shouting and whipping.

Security:

The All Seeing Eye is a remarkable security feature. It’s sees inside you soul and knows your will. On the down side, the eye has it’s own agenda, but rest assured, you are under constant surveillance. Travelling to any country with a police-state ethic like this can be a blessing and a curse, but it’s best just to go with the flow, stick to the rules, and enjoy the security benefits. Unlike Singapore, chewing gum is allowed.

Shopping in Mordor:

The main commodity of interest is the One Ring, though any of the great rings are up for discussion. If you have the One Ring, expect to be drawn inextricably to Barad-Dur, and expect headaches, insomnia, and depression.

Other transactions in Mordor are made primarily by stabbing you for your shiny things, so wear a money belt.

Accomodations:

The Orcs have fleas, a bed-net is strongly recommended.

Advice for Couples:

Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, But Gollum, and the Evil One crept up and slipped away with her.

Language:

The Black speech of Mordor will get you negative attention . Use the common tongue, or Orcish if you must -Or, alternatively, try Castilian Spanish.

The Shire and Surrounding Area:

Dining:

Expect to be eating all the time. Food will be your largest expense in the Shire, as Hobbits have insatiable appetites. Vegans, vegetarians, and those avoiding carbohydrates can expect limited menus, and little assistance from the halflings. In fact, those with alternative diets of any kind will be considered rude.  Try Gondor if you want a little Human understanding about your digestive issues. Otherwise, make with the sticky cakes.

Shopping in the Shire:

Well, while the wares available in the shire are by no means as technically brilliant as those made by the dwarves, nor as elegant as those of the elves, there are a lot of off-brand options. Leather goods, walking sticks, detailed regional maps, and tupperware are all readily available.

Safety:

Get used to feeling tall. As a practice, duck every time you enter a building.

Health Concerns:

The Hobbits never wear shoes. The fact that they are constantly eating and strolling around without footwear is difficult for some travellers. No matter how well groomed the Hobbits are, the subtle foot smell is pervasive. Again, the writers of this guide cannot emphasize this enough. PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.

Diabetics can expect death by snacks, and non diabetics can expect to develop type II diabetes.

Romance for Singles:

Of all the lands you might travel to, you are most likely to find yourself attractive in the Shire.  If your preferences tend to sway towards short, stocky, foot-odoured people, then this might be just the adventure you’ve been looking for. Beware a sort of reverse racism, your height and good looks might garner suspicion and even disdain.  If trying to impress a potential partner, discussion of your travel outside the Shire is considered uncouth. Try sticking to the basics like how much you enjoy potatoes, or how attractive you find their curly foot hair. Do not bring up the PERVASIVE FOOT SMELL.