Here at The Correctness, we have access to all kinds of information that the common man is unable to access. Yes, ALL KINDS. We have spies, moles, quislings, carrier pigeons, and heavyset dudes with cameraphones parked out in strategic locations.

All of this so we can bring you breaking comic news as it happens. Today’s exclusive, the plotlines from Marvel comics for the year 2011. Read on, True Believer!

AVENGERS: With the recent reformation of the Avengers following Dark Reign, Marvel has introduced a number of books: Avengers, New Avengers, Secret Avengers, Avengers Academy, Pet Avengers.

NEW: This coming year, Marvel introduces Friends of Avengers, I was an Avenger, Working for the Avengers, Avengers Polling Well in the 18-25 Demo,Avengers: Miami, Avengers SVU, The Late Show with the Avengers, The Walking Avengers, Avengers II: Electric Boogaloo. (Note: Wolverine will be featured in ALL of these titles).

PLOTLINES: The Avengers will head in to action this year against such noted villains as Kang, Hydra, Kang, Red Skull, Kang, and Doctor Doom, who turns out to be Kang in disguise. Also, the team will be disbanded after they discover the new Captain America has been employing illegal immigrants. Later, they will reform into Gold and Blue strike teams (each featuring Wolverine), and a special “secret” team, led by Wolverine. After Chris Claremont complains, those teams will be brought together in an event book called RE-REASSEMBLED!, which will see the team combine into a giant fighting force of 68 members, all with the single goal of stopping Kang.

FANTASTIC FOUR: The Fantastic Four will lose a team member this year, in a storyline designed to shock the Marvel Universe to its very core.

NEW: No new titles to be added, as the “Rebirth” of the FF will be saved until after the Avengers have worn out their welcome.

PLOTLINES: After the tragic death of Sue Storm Richards, the Team is in the verge of being torn apart with guilt and accusation. At the behest of Valeria, Logan comes to the team and through lengthy discussion, unites them as one, and agrees to stay on permanently. Ben Grimm will also be cured, allowing him to revert to human form. For 3 issues. Then, it’s back to rocky for him.

X-MEN: The X-men are attempting to recover from the aftermath of Second Coming, which brought the end of Cable, and the restoration of mutants on earth through the “trigger” power of Hope.

NEW: Only 5 new titles in the X-Universe this year. Logan’s X-Universe, Deadpool: “I’m the Lobo of the Oughts”, Deadpool: “How is No One Sick of Me Yet?”, Wolverine: Dark Pants, and X-ercise.

PLOTLINES: The X-men struggle trying to gain acceptance in a world that doesn’t want them, regardless of how many times they stop the destruction of the planet. Magneto is affected by an EMP pulse, and becomes evil once again, until he knocked on the head by a falling tree, which allows him to regain his gentle side and join the X-Men once again. Also, Mr. Sinister is attacked by the Sentinals, which causes him to shift allegiance, and join the X-Men. While squaring off against the remnants of the Hellfire Club, a sudden change of heart leaves the X-Men scrambling to find enough bedrooms on Utopia.

THE REST

Titles like Spider-Man, Daredevil, Iron Man, etc will also be seeing some changes this coming year.

Spider-Man will permanently become partners with Wolverine, solving mysteries from a small detective agency. A lot of the “heat” will come from the will-they-or-won’t-they aspect.

Daredevil is moving in a new direction, with the title character in charge of the Hand. He will begin franchising out, with at least 6 different teams (all of which include Logan).

Iron Man will move in a radical new direction, as Tony Stark will be killed off, and replaced with a mysterious Canadian character, who will redesign the gauntlets to allow for a certain natural feature.

That’s all the news we have from Marvel, though we’re hoping to hear back from our inside man at DC, who teased us with the following: “Hey guys, big news from DC, can’t say too much yet, but check this: 10 new titles, all written by a certain fellow with the intials G.J.”

See you Soon!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.





QuarterFinal: Wolverine vs Shadowcat

(ED: For the Quarterfinals and beyond, we assume the combatants have some knowledge of the others existence and powers. We assume they have about 2 days notice of the impending battle.)

DAVE

The hardest of the fights so far, student vs mentor. Kitty spent a lot of time under Logan’s wing, and knows a lot about how he operates. She’s an extremely intelligent woman, and a skilled fighter. She was trained in the ways of the ninja and can hold her own in a fight. She’s a great tactician, and has a fire breathing dragon for a pet. Oh, and she can walk through walls and make things incorporeal.

Wolverine is the embodiment of fierceness and aggression. He’s been in more scraps than most (way more), and has seen a lot of things in his day. With the near-unbreakable skeleton and the healing factor, he’s very difficult to stop. He doesn’t quit, he has tons of stamina, and claws that can cut through pretty much anything.

here’s how this plays out:

Kitty walks out into the middle of an abandoned lot, kneels on the ground and waits. Logan walks up.

LOGAN: Heya kiddo. How ya keeping.

KITTY: I’m good Logan. You?

LOGAN: Can’t complain. Look, I don’t like this any more than you, but this is the way it has to go down. I’m sorry darlin’, I love you. (pops claws) Snikt.

KITTY: No Logan. You’re wrong. That’s not how it’s going down.

LOGAN: Look kid, you know and I know there’s no way that you can hurt me, and you can’t phase through me without hurting yourself.

KITTY: You know Logan, you’re the best fighter I know, and you’re right, there is no way I can phase through you, or outfight you. That’s why I brought this. (Opens hand, showing a small cylinder with a red button on the top).

LOGAN: You’re gonna blow us up?

KITTY: (with a tear in her eye). Nope. CLICK

Kitty presses the button and phases underground. At the same time, a tremendous thrumming noise is heard, and part of a nearby wall crumbles away, revealing a 2 story high supermagnet. Logan looks, confused, then his eyes widen and he is launched through the air, slamming into the magnet, where he remains, immobile.

Kitty reappears, walks over to the magnet, and smiles at Logan.

KITTY: I have this sword made of Antarctic Vibranium, which we both know can liquify your adamantium skeleton. But we also both know I’m not going to use it. In fact, in order for me to win this battle, I’d have to hurt you, which we both know I’m not going to do. So here it is: I yield.

LOGAN: What? But, you have me where you want me.

KITTY: Logan, that magnet can’t hold you forever. In fact, it’s drawing so much power, the neighborhood is already starting to brown out. Like everyone, you underestimated me. My plan was never to beat you. It was to make sure you didn’t beat me. I don’t really want to die.

LOGAN: So you’re giving up?

KITTY: Listen, when I heard we had to fight, I did some research. The website was ridiculously easy to break in to, and I saw the previous decisions, and the upcoming bracket. I’ve seen what’s coming, and if anyone has a chance from our universe, it’s you. By virtue of that, and the fact that I can’t actually win, I give up.

The magnet stops, Logan falls to the ground.

LOGAN: So what now?

KITTY: You have to win. By the rules, you have to incapacitate me. You just needed a little reminder of what could have happened if you ever piss me off.

Logan smiles

LOGAN: You’re one hell of a woman, kiddo.

KITTY: I had a great teacher. No bruises on the face, please.

Logan cuffs Kitty across the back of the head. She slumps down, unconscious.

Winner: Wolverine

ROB:

Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned. Like, I know you wrote “Admin_Rock’s Guide to the Gayest Shit You’ll Ever Hear In Your Life” but that limited run self publication was not even 1/4 as gay as this.  And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.

Now, on to my highly relevant stats from my 1990 Marvel cards:

Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat, is 5’4″, which is an inch taller than Logan is. That’s right Marvel says so.  Advantage, Kitty.

Logan, apparently weighs only 195 pounds, which means adamantium is an unusually light metal, and possibly an alkali metal, and possible reactive when exposed to water, or his own innards. Logically, Wolverine can’t exist because of the incontrovertible scientific evidence that adamantium is just like cesium. . I know what you are thinking, how come adamantium is unrealistic, but a teenage babe turned young adult heroin who can become incorporeal is okay? Because, that’s why. Advantage, Kitty

As of 1990, Kitty had a 57% win ratio, whereas Wolvie had a 64% win ratio in battles. Wolvie usually fights Marvel’s most sinister bad guys, and they never face the really tough guys off against Kitty. Logicaly, they never make Kitty Pryde fight the awesomest super villains because she would kick too much ass. Advantage, Kitty.

Here is how this goes down.

1. Kitty and Wolverine fight, even though they have no reason to.

2. Kitty phases Logan’s adamantium-bone-free penis right off his body.

3. A suddenly wangless Wolverine must painfully attempt to re-heal his doodle, using his XXX healing factor.

Plus, I’ve been saying you can’t hit something that isn’t there. Sure, adamantium might be troubling for Kitty, and cause her great pain, but she is fighting to the totally non-gay death (Admin Rock?) and some short term pain would still allow her to phase Wolvie into the centre of the earth, which is seriously magnetic, and short on oxygen.

Also, adamantium would surely melt at centre-of-the-earth, because they left adamantium in a open topped forge in the Wolverine prequel, so it must melt at just over room temperature, or with common household or industrial heating devices. In fact, based on the science of the recent Wolverine flick, Kitty could just point her hair dryer at Logan, and his adamantium skeleton would melt- Otherwise, he would have evaporated that whole tank of water they built him in, right? I mean, it HAS to have a melting point below the boiling point of water. Healing factor aside, if something gets hotter than the boiling point of water, it makes the water heat up and boil. No?

Finally, at no point was Ellen Page cast to play Wolverine, and that is where my real alliance is.

Winner: By Belief in the Great Radioactive Lantern: Kitty “Shadowcat” Pryde.

Loser: The writers of the Wolverine prequel.

TONY

The real question here is, how do we get these two to fight? We didn’t come here to watch these two catch up on old times, then team up to beat the rest of the brackets. (Or did we…? That might actually be more fun) No dammit we came here for a fight!

So maybe Wolverine makes fun of Twilight which engenders rage in many young women , or Kitty makes fun of the opening number in the Oscars and makes a few gay jokes. Maybe mind control, or some such thing, it doesn’t matter. For our purposes we need them to fight and they are going to, so spare us the “They would never fight each other” shtick.

There has been some mention of Kitty being unable to phase when she’s wet. This opens up a bunch of opportunities for plenty of inappropriate jokes (I guess she couldn’t phase during a Jonas Brother’s concert, for instance) and it would also be a very short fight if Aquaman was still in the bracket. But my research didn’t really turn anything up about her losing her abilities in water. I did read something in the comments section about Sentinels dousing her with heavy water, which even if it didn’t stop her phasing would definitely do her in. 10 years later, but still, pretty insidious. I also read that she has trouble phasing through adamantium

Aha!

Now one of the ways Wolverine can die is suffocation, so grab and phase into the earth… Boom,! Wolvie all done. BUT IF she has trouble phasing adamantium, she would have trouble phasing his entire skeletal structure. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and saying she could phase him, she can only go down into the earth as long as she could hold her breath. And adamantium claws are pretty good for digging your way out of tight spots I should think. Plus if they are both phased, one assumes he can hit her which is what I was saying back at the Deadpool fight.

Bottom line, if adamantium causes her pain when she phases through it, We can assume that the claws will do some damage,(Although not as much as someone who couldn’t phase out) while she has no real way to hurt someone with such a MASSIVE healing factor.

And besides, I don’t even think she won the last fight. Come to think of it, I voted for Spawn to beat Wolverine in the last bracket too. Shows you what I know. And also that nobody around here listens to me.

I’m definitely giving this to Wolverine.

Winner: Wolverine

DECISION: WOLVERINE

So Wolverine moves on to the next round, as the last best hope for the Marvel Universe. Tune in next week to see whether he takes on Superman or Wonder Woman.