Hey Folks, admin_rock here. It’s come to my attention that it’s been a long time since we armed you with any new ammo for causing nerds to fight and argue. And really, it’s so very pleasing to sit back and let them have at, guaranteed entertainment for the entire evening, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT. Any ham-fisted, slack jawed noob can throw out a “Heroes Sucks”; and to be fair, that wouldn’t start a fight, so much as a tacit agreement amongst everyone in the room.

So, here’s a few more to keep your nights lively! Keep in mind, you don’t actually have to agree with the statment. It’s effect will be that of throwing a big meaty bone into Michael Vick’s living room. (ed: Michael Vick is Football player. He was arrested for being involved in a dog fighting ring.) (ed: Football is a “Sport”.)

Don’t worry, we’ll walk you through these slowly.

1) The X-men has sucked since Claremont left.

The X-men comic book began in 1963, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. No finer beginning could one wish for. In 1975, after a number of changes in the creative team, a new X-Men team was introduced, and soon after, the writing job was given to Chris Claremont, who would make the job his own from 1975 until 1991, shortly after the relaunch of the book, arguably at the height of it’s popularity. Since his departure, the X-Men have grown larger and larger, spread over more and more books, and have an endless number of characters with an “X” in the their names.

Nerds will drool over the chance to not only discuss the X-men, but to stick up for their favorite team or character, whom will almost certainly fall out of the Claremont years. If anyone mentions Grant Morrison’s run, you’ll know the argument has gone “full retard”.

2) UFC is the closest thing on TV to gay porn

This one might not get the Nerds as riled up as the the others, but the sheer enjoyment of watching MMA advocates defend their beloved grope-fest is worth it. (ed: We’re not making fun of gay porn here, btw, it serves its purpose to those who enjoy it). Try pointing out things like the graceful way the “top” straddles the “bottom”, how even though they’re sweaty and tired, they still seem so happy, and how there’s less blood than you’d expect.

3) Tech Support workers are overpaid, and useless.

This one is clearly untrue. Most tech support workers make next to nothing, and they do tend to solve your problem for you. The joy in this one is watching those who take their job just a bit too seriously become livid and list out the intricacies of their job in minute detail, as though it were akin to national security. Stoke the fire by asking whether it’s okay to use “password” as your password, and whether you can load itunes at work.

4) The upcoming Avengers movie will suck balls.

You can say things like “The Avengers are a cut rate copy of the Justice League”. A group of superheros from the Marvel universe, The Avengers have been around for a long time. Now, over the course of a few years, Marvel has been introducing them in their own films, with a plan to culminate in an Avengers film. Will it suck balls? Who can say. On one hand, Joss Whedon is signed on to direct. On the other, there are a lot of parts to cover, and the success or failure of the next few movies will affect what’s up on the screen. Bad sign: Edward Norton is out as Bruce Banner. Good sign: Mark Ruffalo will reportedly play Bruce Banner. This one will keep them arguing for days.

5) Harry Potter books are for kids.

Hidden away in the middle of the list, due to being a few years past its prime, the Harry Potter argument will flare up like the Herpes of midwestern co-ed after a year in the “big city”. There will be wailing, disbelief, and the gnashing of teeth. You will be told, in no uncertain terms that “anything that gets kids reading is awesome”, that “they get darker as they go on”. Whatever, you’re not here to make a case for your point, some other nerd in the area will take care of that. The books were too damn long, and poorly written for us to care.

6) William Shatner is fucking awful.

The “nuclear” option, this one should be saved until later in the evening, when your favorite geek is about to snap. He won’t even know how to argue this, he’ll just be in shock that anyone could possibly attack his golden calf. For bonus points, attack Shatner’s recordings, and claim that he’s not relevant.

7) Android Phones are superior to iPhones.

Look, it’s pretty clear from Nerd Fight 1 that Apple fanboys will argue to the death the superiority of their companies goods. It’s also pretty clear that most people will, after purchasing any of these insanely expensive devices, find ways to justify and back the one they got. The important thing here is to keep the argument going when it starts to flag. Throw in comments like “why doesn’t Apple ever have expandable memory on their devices” or “Did you know ‘droid’ is a trademark of Lucasfilm?’ That last one could work as a nice crossover into “Episodes 1-3 were better than 4-6″.

8 ) All Star Batman and Robin is the finest Batman work yet.

Frank Miller went from beloved God of comic fanboys to an outcast after some of his hard right-wing jingoistic comments came to light. But even before that, he started alienating fans by publishing All-Star Batman and Robin, a gritty, in-your-face version of our beloved Bats. This Batman is arguably psychopathic, unbalanced, and dangerous. He essentially kidnaps Robin, forces him to stay in the Batcave without food or heat for days. Meanwhile, he’s out nailing Black Canary near the docks. The infamous phrase “I’m the god-damned Batman” came from the series.

The concept for the character is extremely contentious, and sure to start a Batman jihad, especially if you add some discussion of the recent Batman films in to the mix. Say things like “Miller should be directing the Batman films, then they’d be good”, or “Green Lantern must suck if he can be taken out by paint and a tween”.

9) Kevin Smith hasn’t made a good film.

There’s a ton of potential here, and we’re not just talking about Kevin’s weight! (pow!) There’s a camp of people who believe Kevin Smith can do no wrong. There’s another who see a string of average movies that tend to fizzle at the box office. There’s a third camp that are jealous that he’s living the ultimate fanboy life. Also, there’s a girl’s camp across the lake.

For this one, you’ll need to suss out where everyone stands on the subject early. Then, either bring up box office returns, or maybe Rotten Tomatoes scores to fan the flames. You can also take veiled shots at the films themselves by forgetting their names, and describing them vaguely: “What was that one where the characters talk endlessly about dicks?”

10) Comments on blog for nerds shouldn’t be allowed if they’re only “stupid hate”.

This one will take more work than most of you want to involve yourselves in. You’ll need to start a blog, write a bunch of articles that will draw in fanboys, get some of them linked to fark.com, then, after establishing that you will allow pretty much any comment to go unedited, suddenly announce that you’re annoyed with some of the comments, and claim that you’ll be suppressing any that don’t measure up. Oh, and then don’t suppress any of them. Throw in phrases like “stupid hate” and “cum-eating intern”. This will answer the question “is anybody out there?”. Watch as the argument verges on a free speech issue, while examples of comments previously allowed come to light.

It’s no secret that The Correctness are big fans of Joss Whedon. He’s made a string of shows that are brilliant, funny, and engaging. We watched Buffy (movie and show), We watched Angel. We loved the hell out of Firefly and Serenity. We crushed on Dr Horrible. We (well, at least some of we) really dig Dollhouse. But Joss, buddy, we need to talk about how the networks (we’re mostly looking at you, Fox!) treat you.

The Friday night death slot is just that. Death. If they air you on Friday, they cancel you soon after. You know it, we know it. The executives and their notes, asking you to change this or that, showing episodes out of order, making you reshoot pilot episodes, etc. The list goes on.

Here are the facts: You know how to make good TV. You know how to find like-minded people to help you do this. You have a great rapport with your actors, and have gathered a stable of folks who will do anything you sign on for. And, hey, millions of fans who feel likewise.

We know you were doing Eliza a solid by taking on Dollhouse through Fox. But after the reports that Fox will “air all 13 episodes this season” and that you’re being shelved for the sweeps period, we’re all in agreement that Fox doesn’t give a crap about you.

So, we’ve been thinking about this, and we think that you should ditch TV once and for all. We keep our eye on things like DVD sales, and we noted that even a show like Babylon 5, which was a cult favorite, and not a mainstream hit, in the words of its creator “have raised over 500 million in revenue.” Dr. Horrible was a big hit, and it wasn’t made for TV at all. You see what we’re getting at?

Get a few backers together (or hey, maybe you have the cash to bankroll the thing yourself), and produce your own show, make it, slap it on iTunes, sell DVDs at the end of season, get it on Hulu. You KNOW we’ll all fork over some cash to see more great storytelling. At the very worst, we’ll still treat you better than the network execs.

The press will still cover you, network or no. The ComicCon crowds will spread the world. The fanboys will love your bold steps, and we’ll be done with the Fox network entirely (well, okay, we’ll keep watching House, but that’s it!). We’ll even start a whole new site called “The Jossness”. Or not, that sounds pretty lame. Then, when you’ve proven the model works, when the Season 1 DVD sales roll in, you can ramp up the production values for season 2, when everything gets good anyway.

Also, when all this works out, remember your old friends at The Correctness. And give J.M.S. a call, and tell him to do this too.

Love, The Correctness.

It’s the Calgary Comic Expo, 2009 and unhinged nerdery abounds. At an autograph table, right across from Edward James Olmos, (If you don’t know who that is, stop reading. RESPECT THE OLD MAN, FUCKERS!!!)TV Uber cutie Jewel Staite signs a picture for a pudgy anime princess. Not realizing that destiny had just paid 20 bucks, and was approaching her with a DVD of Firefly in hand, she takes a quick sip of water, and stretches.

When they lock eyes, time stops. The vibrations are palpable. It echoes throughout the showroom floor, causing Margot Kidder to pause in her carnival barking for autographs and cock her head like a curious dog. Several aisles away a woman dressed as Emma Frost gets a shiver. (Although, to be fair she wasn’t wearing much, but we stand by the palpable echo nevertheless)

Finally after both an instant and an eternity, Jewel speaks.

JEWEL: Hello there!
(What she meant was “As I look upon you, I know at last what it truly means to be a woman. With needs.”

Tbinns: Hi. How are you?
(Please, I’m married, you are embarrassing both of us)

JEWEL: I’m good thanks. Do you want it personalized?
(“Tell me your name at least, I must know who you are!”)

Tbinns: Yes, please. My name is Tony
(I’m only giving you my first name, I can’t have you looking me up)

JEWEL: Sure, no problem
(I belong to you now. That’s why I’m signing this with a little heart on it. To let you know that I am utterly yours)

Tbinns: Long day?
(I’m changing the subject now, because your obvious carnal desires are making me uncomfortable)

JEWEL: Not too bad. Getting near the end, though.
(I’m done here at 5, I’m staying at the Hotel Arts just a little ways away from here, please meet me there. I find pudgy Kevin Smith types highly arousing and you are making me crazy. I mean, there are a ton of those guys here, but you clearly are the best one. I must have you!!!)

Tbinns: Well, thanks very much for coming, it was a pleasure meeting you
(I have to go now, Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica is checking out my ass and I have to go tell her to cut it out)

JEWEL: Oh, you’re welcome it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care.
(NO!! Don’t leave! You mutsn’t!!! How will I live? Whatever will I do? Come back, I will totally introduce you to Joss Whedon and you guys will be best pals!!! YOU ARE MY UNIVERSE!!! COME BACK!!!)

So there you have it. Tragic really, that I had to utterly destroy her heart like that. When will these people learn that all I want is an autograph? Why do they always go that extra step with me? I’m not even going to get into the nightmare that was the Sean Astin autograph session.