Alright, you heathens,  you keep insisting on asking us about our romantic affiliation with Jesus.  The volume of mail about us and Jesus is overwhelming.  Every day, you people, with your questions about Jesus, and who kissed who first. Well, there is nothing going on between us and Jesus, but we’d surely like a crack at hitting that.

How Hard We’d Hit Jesus:

I’d hit that so hard it would take Jesus an extra day to come back at Easter.

I’d hit Jesus so hard they’d have to give out Cheerios instead of communion wafers.

I’d hit that so hard Mary Madgdelene would give out refunds.

I’d hit that so hard I’d rise again 20 minutes later.

I’d hit Jesus so hard the cross would be limp.

I’d hit that so hard I’d baptize the whole crowd at the sermon on the mount.

I’d hit that so hard, the “H” in Jesus “H” Christ would stand for “How the Hell did you Hit that so Hard?”.

I’d hit that so hard people would argue over whether Jesus was black AND BLUE.

I’d hit that so hard he’d smell like loves and fishes.

I’d hit that so hard it that holy trinity would be the Father, Son and Holy Fuck!

I’d hit that so hard, Jesus would walk on water…-based lube.

I’d hit that so hard that someone would write the “Gospel of Peter”

I’d hit that so hard the conception would be regular macculate.

(Note: This is a repost of the original)

IN THE BEGINNING, there was The Eighties. And the Eighties were wrong in the eyes of The Lord, and the sinners who worked at American Apparel had been born in the 90′s, and they knew not how wrong they were to dress that way. And they knew not that pulp-porn imagery is creepy, and they knew not of how to work at a real job. The Lord looked upon American Apparel, and he frowned.

1. Yea, and the sky will crack, and fire will rain down, and those wearing retro non-prescription glasses frames from the eighties will be blinded immediately, and they will run in the streets and bleed from their anuses. For Vanity shall be the sin which ends the world. “Glasses are for seeing, not for fashion” sayeth The Lord, and The Lord shall say “Enough with the glasses, especially if you don’t need them. How about I give you all a bleeding anus disease?”. And so it shall be.

2. And the number of the beast shall be $14.99, and the v neck t-shirts will dive so low as to be purposeless to protect their chests from the horrible radiation. And those without the trust in the lord will bake doubly fast in their shiny stretch pants for they are reflective and increase the heat.

3. And there will be a plague of locusts. And the manager will give you a sour look, and point at a section where an item of clothing might be found instead of walking you over there to show you where to find said item, yea, though it is an item you wish to purchase. And the Lord shall say “Hey, nobody is hip enough to avoid customer service. My son died on a crucifix for your sins, what was so hard for you today that you can’t crack a smile? Your Mika remix CD is scratched?”. And the manager shall be slain for poor role modeling and douchebaggery.

4. And The Beast shall come in many forms. And he will be wearing a totally shapeless cotton dress. And The Beast shall look fat no matter how many belts The Beast may choose to wear. Even thought The Beast is normal sized, The Beast will totally look really fat, for realsies. And The Beast shall give you the worst service of all, because the beast has self esteem issues because the beast is surrounded by hipsters.

5. And the self esteem issues of The Beast shall be caused by the hipsters surrounding them, for they know not what power they wield over The Beast. And they shall say unto her, with their retarded bow ties askew, “Hey Bethany, I totally like that shapeless dress on you, but Brittany totally pulls it off better and she is wearing it today”.

6. And the Beast shall get all pissy, and yea, tho it offendeth the Lord, ALL the employees shall be pissy, and they will all be sexually promiscuous because they are surrounded by pornographic ad campaigns which depict young unhappy women looking like they are just wondering when the photographer is going to rape them.

7. And the ad campaigns will cause confusion amongst the men, who wonder if they are horny for skinny teens in shapeless cotton sacks, like some kind of weird morgue fantasy with people wearing body bags.

8. And the mannequins for the leggings will be a row of sticking-out asses like an implausible train-to-be-a-stripper class, and the misogynistic wrongness of the mannequins will raise the eyebrows of even the most insensitive of males. And the males shall start to feel uncomfortable, surrounded by the weird child porn and sexually more-than-suggestive mannequins, and The Lord shall say “Fear not, for I think that’s all a bit too far as well, and it gives me the creepies also”.

9. And The Lord will smite American Apparel, and he shall really smite it up. He will smite it like it’s never been smitten before. He will smite the fuck out of every last pair of assless pantyhose, and he might smite H&M a bit too, even if their stuff fits him.

So sayeth the book of Retail Rvelations

Talk about your comeback tours. Even the Stones or Kiss would have trouble after a millennium, but Jesus is back, in a big way. He’s been called the Son of God, (No, not Clapton, the actual one) Messiah, Saviour, Lord and Judge, he’s had his share of tough times (Crucifixion, anyone?) but you wouldn’t know it to look at him today. He’s a pre-electric Dylan in a post Led Zeppelin world, but sitting on the outdoor patio of Benny’s Cafe in L.A., dressed in chinos and a white t shirt, his Birkenstock s tucked neatly under his chair, he seems relaxed, friendly even. Not the man you would expect after two thousand years in the spotlight. His arm sports a tattoo that says Mary and if he knows which one its for he’s not telling. His hair is long, but drawn back into a ponytail, and there are visible scars on his hands as he sips his beverage, and scans the menu for anything kosher. My job was to hopefully get into some of the invisible scars.

Jesus, thanks for talking to us. I know you dont like to give interviews.

Well, its not like I don’t like interviews; its just that I get misquoted a lot. You know if Barack Obama gets misquoted, there’s a press conference, maybe someone gets sued. When I get misquoted, Crusades happen. It’s freaky sometimes. Even the Apostles would do it. I’d be halfway through a statement and four of them would run off to write it down and see who could get it in their gospel first. And they’d hardly ever get it right anyway.

So, the gospels are wrong?

Wrong? No, I wouldn’t say that, just certain details. Semantics really. For instance did you know that I NEVER said “My God My God why have you forsaken me”?

Really?

No what I said was “My God, My God, why are there four stakes in me.”

He pauses reflectively for a moment then flags down a waitress. He kindly explains to her that he ordered a double espresso, not a latte. “Take this cup away from me.” He says with an impish grin. She, not recognizing him doesn’t get the joke. Jesus is such a cool guy he blesses her anyway.

Jesus, a lot of our readers have a lot of very important questions they’d like answered

Well, Ill do my best.

For instance, how do you feel about Ouija boards, are they, like totally evil or what?

I’ll level with you; anything with the word Board in it makes me a tad nervous these days. Ironic considering how I used to make my living.

Do you still keep in touch with The Apostles after the break up?

Absolutely. Just because we don’t tour together anymore, doesn’t mean were not close. Well, most of us anyway.

No chance of ever touring with Judas again?

None.

Solo tour?

I have a few places lined up. Getting sponsors has proved difficult; I’m pretty picky about that. All the big money is in sin these days. Paul has just finished cutting his Road to Damascus C.D. I’m thinking Ill have him open for me.

St. Paul?

No, McCartney.

So you don’t hold a Bigger than Jesus grudge?

No, not at all. I ribbed John a little when he was at the Gates, but that was it. I told him Dad punished him by making him fall in love with Yoko. We busted out a tape measure, turns out he actually does have a couple of inches on me. We all had a good laugh about it.

Is the Pope mad that he’s not opening for you?

He was disappointed, but I think he understands. The Pope plays only to a select group, and this tour should be for all the fans. I gave him the keys to the kingdom, what more does he want? Plus, dude looks like the Emperor from Star wars he creeps me out, if I can be honest with you.

Jesus the New Testament broke all the rules, and was a landmark piece of work. The Old Testament was a rock hard acid riff on vengeance, with a gutsy blues style bemoaning fate at the hands of enemies and a vengeful God. Tracks like The Book of Job betray a like it or lump it attitude, much like the early days of the Who. Then you come along and make a gentle pop folk sound, too serious to be bubblegum, too hot to be serious. Old Testament Unplugged if you will

Uhhhh sure. Is there a question in there somewhere?

To what extent did the old sound influence you, and why the change in direction?

Well, obviously people like Moses and Abraham are a huge influence, but ultimately an artist has to break free of their roots and grow in a different direction This reminds me of a parable, actually

Sorry to interrupt, but my editor asked me to make sure I use the word Fuck at some point in the interview. Lets people know were hip. Do you mind?

Oh okay, whatever.

You’ve suffered a very public arrest, trial and execution, and you’ve still managed to remain positive, how the fuck do you do it?

My, what a hip question. The trick is not to take it personally. The Romans were a highly litigious people; you could get arrested for looking the wrong way half the time. As for my reputation, well, I still get the odd joker making comments. “Hey Jesus, wanna borrow my cross trainers” or “Jesus loves you THIS much” with the arms stretched out. It can be a pain sometimes, but you get used to it. All the stories you heard are true, by the way, very few things on this earth suck as much as crucifixion.

How does a high profile dude like you relax? What do you do on the weekends?

Exchanging parables with close friends, maybe some light healing or go for a walk on a nearby lake. If Im feeling rowdy, I like to go kick some moneychanger ass!

Rock on! Are you a fan of our little magazine?

No, I’m not into alternative press. I read the Watchtower. Ha ha ha ha ha! No, I’m only kidding. That’s like the ecclesiastical Enquirer. Actually I’m in the middle of reading the Koran. I like to get other perspectives.

Any leads on the Antichrist yet?

We have a short list, were narrowing it down. Im not supposed to say whom, but its between a certain teenage pop star , and a certain member of the British Royal family. Oh, yes, and Anne Coulter

My money was on Paris Hilton.

We are still looking at Paris, now that you mention it.

So whats in the Son of God’s C.D. collection?

The Carpenters. The Beatles. (All you need is love, after all) Oh, and some Motorhead. One can only listen to so much Amy Grant before it becomes irritating.

Jesus, our readers, and the world want to know. What is your stance on abortion? Euthanasia? Homosexuality? And what is the Meaning of Life?

I’m so glad you asked me that. I think Id finally like to clear the air on this one. I feel, overwhelmingly that the (Cont. on page 181)