Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):

This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.

Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):

This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!

Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):

If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.

A personal story here:

Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.

Unavailable Girl: What?

Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.

Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.

1 MONTH LATER

Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.

Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.

DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.

Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!

Randolph Holstershire the Third arrived in a coach precisely on time. He stepped out and tipped the driver ten percent to the penny- an amount which he had calculated using the abacus he was so rarely parted from. The abacus had been given to him as a gift by a Chinaman he had kept in his employ whilst he was on sabbatical in the Eastern Lands.  Randolph couldn’t recall the name of his servant, but he did recall how best to use the abacus- for tipping. He also recalled a torrid night in Afghanistan, just he and his servant, naked and clinging to each other to create enough body heat to survive a mountain storm. It was that night he’d learned the secrets of the abacus,  and more he would rarely say. Calculating a square root by hand takes dextrous fingers and delicate instruction to say the least, but thoughts of this kind were not relevant to his visit to Petticoat Manor.

He was ushered into the drawing room of Petticoat Manor by a grim looking butler named Hensley. Hensley had the marks of years of service, but also the marks of severe third degree burns he received whilst attempting to give his lover, and several others, a Londonderry Kazoo. It was, in fact, Hensly’s own grotesque scarification which caused the manouvre to be banned by Her Majesty, who could only remark “Some things are best left to the Gauls”.

Randolph was announced to Lady Petticoat, and she curtsied politely in a well practiced fashion. She was obviously a woman of some sophistication which fell just short of distracting from a cloying zephyr of scent Randolph couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Lord Holstershire,” said Lady Petticoat, “I’d like to keep formalities to a minimum, these are busy times in Her Majesty’s Empire, and I see no need to dwell on the intricacies of etiquette.”.

“Hardly worth mentioning.” Said Holstershire, seating himself in a leather covered wingback chair opposite an identical chair occupied by Lady Petticoat.

For a moment their eyes locked, and the unspeakable acts they had engaged in together spoke for them through the silence like a speaking lion might speak if he were not speaking, but then decided rather suddenly to do so. It was very much like that lion thing indeed, only with two souls not speaking but having their speech spoken for them by their history in a sort of non verbal way, but lionesque.

Hensley arived with their tea and served it gingerly, with the deft and practiced hand of a faithful butler, but also the deft and practiced hand of a man who had been injured rigging the necessary ropes and pulleys to accomplish a full Londonderry Kazoo. It was the boiling cauldron of lubricant from the very Londonderry Kazoo in which Hensley had overseen for the participation of Lady Petticoat, Lord Holstershire and himself, as well as all the boatswains of Her Majesty’s Royal Navy, and the denizens of prison ship for the mentally unstable headed for the colonies that had been the cause of Hensley’s burns.

Hensley left the two alone in the room to consider their history together.

Randolph sipped his tea, and sat long in silence before he offered this: “Lovely weather.” he managed.

Lady Petticoat swallowed her sip of tea delicately and replied: “Indeed, the farmers at the market tell me there will be more cucumbers than ever this year.”

Randolph waited. “Indeed?”

“Indeed.” Lady Petticoat replied.

Suddenly the full heat of Randoph’s Victorian passion overwhelmed him. Such was the life in Victorian England, with so much hidden in the emotional cellars, and with such careful constructions of society atop them.

Randolph, without warning, stood up. “My Lady,” he said “Thank you for the tea, I must be going.”

Lady Petticoat rose as well. “By all means, it has been a pleasure”.

The two burning suns of passion that could be extinguished only with the height of civility, and also the very heights of Wuthering, were contained within a moment of their emergence.

Randolph Holstershire departed swiftly, wishing only that he had mustered the courage to ask what it was that smelled like cunt in there.

The Correctness Book Club

This Week: Pride and Prejudice, as reviewed by Dave, Rob, and Tony.

R: Hi everyone, this week we’ve been reading Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I am told that this is one of the great Regency period Romances.

T: I’m a big fan of the Regency.

D: I stayed at the Regency in New York once. It was really nice- a bit dialogue heavy, but nice.

R: Let’s begin with the important parts. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but I’d like to take a moment to judge this book by its cover.

T: Good use of our time, I’d like to focus on the cover if we could, perhaps extensively.

D: Exhaustively.

R: Indeed.  My copy features a woman in a regency period dress, or what I recognize to be a period dress because she looks a bit like illustrations of Laura Secord, or one of those ivory carved necklace things with the lady on ‘em.

D: Is Laura Secord an early nineteenth century character? Do our American friends know her more for her loyalist bent, and less for her delicious chocolates?

R: We’ll google that later, as this is a real time conversation that’s real.

D: Indeed.

T: I’d like to interject here, I always assume that the 19^th century means the 1900’s on first hearing it, but of course, we are talking about the early 1800’s here, which is the dawn of the 19^th century. It always makes me second guess the time period.

R: Thanks, Tony. In any case, judging this book by its cover, one would think there was going to be quite a few women posing in dresses for portraiture in this book.  I was mistaken in this regard, and so a cover which conveys the main plot element somehow, like, um, a topless lady-wrestling ring might be more apt.

D: I’d just like to get back to Laura Secord for a minute, I haven’t seen one of those stores for a while, and they were a real staple of the malls…

T: My copy has Keira Knightley on it.

D: My copy is different…

R: The Keira Knightley cover is the superior copy to be sure, but we don’t need to dedicate a lot of time to Keira Knightley and how totally hot she is, this is about Pride and Prejudice, the taut, yet cynical Regency Romance.  In any case, our story begins with the Bennet sisters all scrambling to find husbands so that they don’t lose their house. May I just say, and we three are all homeowners, as an encumbrance to my land title, I did receive the appliances, but not any of the daughters of the previous owners.

T: Nor did I. My wife would have never allowed it.

D: My cover  has Mr. Darcy with his shirt off, you guys.

R: Yes, Dave, We’ve left that topic for the moment.  In any case, to the rescue of the ladies comes  the wealthy Mr. Bingley, who develops an affection for Jane, the eldest daughter of the Bennets. Meanwhile, Bingley has brought along his sisters and Mr. Darcy on his first visit.

D: Who brings their sisters on a first date?

T: Maybe he’s a group dater.

R: It was a different time, a trip to the country was a bigger deal then.

D: Do you know that? Because I think it’s rude. I think it’s a plot device to get Elizabeth to meet, and be rejected by Mr. Darcy.

R: Dave, historically speaking, a trip to a country manor would have been a matter of some difficulty, and importance.

T: But you don’t know that for sure.

D: Yeah, do you?

R: No, I- You’re right no, I’m just suggesting that it wouldn’t, in the context of the time period, have been so weird to bring along your sisters and your poker buddy on an extended date to the country. In any case, when Elizabeth is rebuffed by Mr. Darcy at a local dance-

T: Rebuffed?

D: I actually want to talk about the buff thing, my copy has-

R: Rebuked?

T: Rejected would be simpler.

R: When Elizabeth Bennet is haughtily rejected by Mr. Darcy-

T: Haughtily?

D: Hottily? Because my Copy, you guys…

T: Haughtily is exactly how it is described on Wikipedia.

R: Well, that’s a coincidence, isn’t it. In any case-

T: Have you even read all of this?

R: Basically, yes,  well, the first several chapters, yes.

T: Because when we get to the part about how Keira Knightley begins to feel more strongly for Mr. Darcy-

R: Keira Knightley? You haven’t read it either!

D: My copy is different…

T: I have too read it. I just mixed them up because I saw the movie.

R: You are lying. You watched the movie.

T: Well, you very clearly read the synopsis on Wikipedia.

R: A SYNOPSIS, I MIGHT ADD, WHICH IN ITSELF WAS ALMOST TOO BORING TO GET THROUGH!

T: This totally defeats the purpose of having The Correctness Book Club, Rob.

R: YOU DIDN’T READ IT, YOU JUST WATCHED THE DVD!

D: Can we just talk about that scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley? Or for that matter, the scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham? There was an awful lot of man-on-man action in the novel, and it seemed out of place to me.

R: Well, I – what?

D: This is from Chapter 3: A Bird in the Hand or: One Night in Bangkok : “Mr. Wickham rested one hand on Mr. Darcy’s cheek, and slid his other hand into the front of his pants. Gently, he began to unbutton the the front flap of his fitted riding pants. ‘We’ll be safe here in the stable’ said Mr. Wickham, his rough hands feeling rougher on the stubble of Darcy’s cheek. He drew him close, the smell of his hair and the smell of the hay loft intoxicating him…”

R: What are you reading? (grabs book)

T: This is “Gay Pride and Prejudice”, Dave, where did you pick this up?

D: At the Rainbow Resource Center, on the coffee table in the library section.

T: Why didn’t you just go to a regular library?

D: Fines. Fines.  Anyways, I thought is seemed a little sexy for Austen. I thought “man, there is more gay sex in this than Northanger Abbey” .

R: That was published posthumously, there is no defending it.

D: How do you know that?

R: Wait, why was your next choice the Rainbow Resource Center? What were you doing there?

D: They have a DVD collection.

R: Yes, I know they do, it’s fairly extensive.

T: How do you know they do, Rob?

R: Because my friend is the festival director for Fairytales film festival.

T: Oooooh! Does he love you?

R: She’s a she, and no.

T: She loves you.

R: Tony, SHE runs the FAIRYtales film festival, the gay and LESBIAN film festival.

T: She Looooooooves you.

R: Tony, No, she clearly- why am I explaining this?

D: Hey, Rob, you left your wallet at the Rainbow Resource Center anyways. Here it is.

R: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! LET’S MOVE ON!

T: Wow sensitive, much?

D: Yeah, that closet getting uncomfortable, Rob?

R: MY SEXUALITY IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION! FOCUS! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!

T: I think we can all agree that one of the most exciting sequences is when Mr. Darcy finds himself in the jungle temple. He carefully attempts to remove the idol from the platform, and replaces its weight with a bag of sand. Too late, however, the trap is sprung and Mr. Darcy  is being chased through the collapsing temple by blow darts and a giant boulder!  “Throw me the rope!” says Mr Darcy. “Throw me the idol!” says Elizabeth Bennet, but you just know she won’t do it.

D: That is a great moment, yes, but let’s not ignore the moment where Elizabeth Bennet is piloting her X-wing on her final trench run in the Death star, closely pursued by an incorrigible Mr. Darcy – who, at this point in the novel is overwhelmed by the dark side-   but she still manages to hit a target no bigger than two metres wide.

T: That’s a hard target.

D: You forget that Elizabeth used bull’s-eye womp rats in her T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters.

R: Fellas, I think we should-

T: Wait, 2 metres is actually a really big animal. Like, how big is a womp rat?

D: They are obviously a serious pest. I mean, to get that big.

T: But what are they eating on Tatooine? It’s so arid!

D: Jawas? Maybe they eat jawas.

T: Well, that’s plausible.