Normally, The Correctness is an original content only kind of site, and we aren’t the sort to get all link happy. But I think this is a special occasion.

The Avengers trailer just hit.

I think this is an excellent opportunity for all of us Correct heads to get together and have a good old gab about what we think of it. I am particularly looking forward to Admin_Rock’s take on it, as he will be torn between his dislike of the Avengers and his love of Joss Whedon.

As for myself…Fucking LOVED it.

So what do you guys and gals think?

Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.

This week it’s the first round of the Semi-Finals! The Avengers vs. The Defenders! The Battle of the Ers.

The Defenders (Doctor Strange, Namor, Silver Surfer, and The Hulk)
versus
The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp -Janet)

RULES:

-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.

-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.

-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team

- Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.

-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.

admin_Rock:

I know most of you are here to see if RobbieRobTown has gone entirely off the deep end, or whether he’s just lazing in the sun in his speedo, dangling his toes in to the water, so no personal stories, no remembrances of these books being read fondly when I was young. I was never a fan of the Avengers, and the Defenders were a cut rate book even then. Hell, I still don’t buy the Avengers books, even though Marvel has gone all X-Men and pumped out 37 Avengers titles per month. They do things like relaunching New Avengers, which caused a 50,000 copy boost for #1, 45,000 of which failed to buy issue 2. But I digress.

The battle begins! Hawkeye and Wasp quickly go to work on Doctor Strange, employing an “all ranges” tactic whereby Wasp gets in close and interrupts Strange with annoying close-range flybys while Hawkeye starts firing arrows at him. Strange is capable of handling such distractions, but the combination is jarring and unsettling to him, such that he’s unable to focus fully, and eventually, an arrow slips through, nicking his jugular, causing him to pass out.

Meanwhile, Thor has launched himself at Hulk, and the two are going full bore at each other. I mean that literally. They are both boring one another fully. Hulk seems to be the stronger of the two, but Thor has a badass hammer, and is making loud thunder booms and such. At any rate, they’ll clearly be at this for a while.

Iron Man and the cut rate Aquaman are flying above the stadium. Namor is attempting to find a weakness in the armor, while Stark is simply running a sub-routine which does exactly that. He fires his repulsors, then flies in, and grabs namor, taking him to full speed, then heading toward the ground, releasing him at the last second, leaving fish brains scattered across the field.

Captain America and Silver Surfer are having a bland-off in the centre of the ring. The Surfer wields the Power Cosmic, but Captain America has a curvy shield with a star on it, and the indignant bluster of an American tourist on his side. He holds off the Surfer’s attacks by dodging and throwing his shield and such. This lasts until Iron Man is done with Namor, and able to assist. The two of them combine to knock Norin Radd off his board, where Cap is able to bring all the power of the US national debt down upon the Surfer’s head, taking him out of the fight.

At this point, it’s everyone vs the Hulk, which is just how he likes it. However, the Hulk can only stand to be around the Avengers for so long, and soon he grows tired of their sub-par banter, and overwritten characters. Cap gets in close enough to remind the Hulk that he’s essentially a grumpy old man from the 40s, and starts on about how things were better back in his day. The Hulk rolls his eyes, distracting him long enough for Thor to give him one between the eyes, while Hawkeye and Wasp stand at the edge, too bland to add anything.

Iron Man pounds away at the Hulk as well, and they force him to the ground. He shakes them off, having recently been overpowered himself for the sake of World War Hulk, and quickly grows tired of the battle. He takes off, looking for the Red Hulk (seriously Marvel, are you fucking kidding me?) and The Defenders are done.

Winner: The Avengers.

Loser: Fans of interesting characters.

Tbinns

According to The Ultimates it takes ALL of the Avengers…at ONCE to take down the Hulk. Just the Hulk, without Namor, Strange and the Surfer.

Mind you according to the Ultimates, Hulk is also very horny and can be undone by a pair of exceedingly tiny boobs. Which means Kate Moss can take out the Hulk easier than Captain America. So let’s not go rushing into accepting Ultimate Universe as canon.

Let’s just say the Hulk and Thor are more than enough to keep each other occupied, so we can take the two of them out of the equation for now. They are beating the living shit out of each other rather spectacularly and it’s very back and forth. Cap, being the master strategist knows that taking out Strange has to be a priority. That’s where he is focusing his energy, I think. That leaves Wasp and Iron Man to deal with Namor and The Surfer respectively.

When the buzzer sounds Thor calls down the thunder on ALL of the Defenders, before launching himself at the Hulk full throttle. However, remarkably, none of the Defenders are hurt. Strange has protected them all. Not possible you say? Well…

Cap whips his shield at Dr. Strange. It bounces off, completely harmlessly. Dr. Strange doesn’t have enough time to defend himself, you say?

Iron Man launches himself and begins blasting away at the Surfer, who manages to evade said blasts. He then uses the power cosmic to rust and disintegrate Iron Man’s armor. Stark drops to the ground, naked, because we all know he goes commando. But, thanks to extremis, Stark quickly recovers, and his spare suit flies from every direction, and he is re-armed and back in the fight in seconds.. until he flies straight into a parallel plain of existence. From whence did this parallel universe portal come, you ask incredulously?

Meanwhile Wasp is making a nuisance of herself with Namor, who is making many grand pronouncements as he uselessly tries to bat away the stinging wasp ray thingies. Until she freezes , completely paralyzed and hanging in mid air. Then, Namor flicks her away. How did Strange manage to paralyze the Wasp?

But…you say, and quite rightly, isn’t Cap keeping Strange way too busy for these little rescues? Well he would be, if he wasn’t fighting the 25 minor demons that have manifested into a small army of Red Skulls that attacked him almost immediately.
But wait, isn’t the timing wrong on all of this? Doesn’t Strange, need time to prepare these spells, how is he getting so much accomplished INSTANTLY?

So that means the rest if the team is free to gang up on Thor, who is eventually overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and by poorly explained powers that were expanded every time the drug addled writers of Dr. Strange had written themselves into a corner.

But before I go, I have to ask, because it’s been going through my head all morning…what was the name of that Olivia Newton John song, that was a big hit on the Xanadu soundtrack?

Yes, that’s it. Thank you Stephen. Is there anything you can’t do? No, actually there isn’t. Therefore…

Winners: The Defenders

Losers: Lovers of heroes with consistent explainable powers.

RobbieRobTown:

Fluid dynamics, basically, is the study of how objects pass through a fluid. Aerodynamics is simply an extension of this, dealing with the science of how objects pass through the air.

Fundamentally, there are two forces at work in aerodynamics. Lift, and Drag.

For an object to achieve lift with wings (yes, I know there are other ways), it must have a sufficient wingspan to generate a difference in air pressure above and below the wing, or, if the object has a very small wingspan, it must travel very, very quickly.

The more drag an object has, the more resistance to lift.

Namor has tiny ankle wings. He has tiny fucking wings on his hairless fucking ankles. He is 200 some-odd pounds of drag (albeit hairless, creepy drag) atop 2 of the most vastly impractical wings ever conceived of by God or Nature. There is only one logical reason that Namor could possibly achieve lift on those feather-and-flightless abominations south of his knees. Namor would have to travel at unfathomable speeds to get up in the air.

Look, lots of superheroes fly, but the ones with wings use their wings to fly. Namor has wings. he has tiny-fuck-miniscule-fuck-ittybitty-fucking wings. That’s okay, he’s a superhero, right? Wrong. He would have to travel so, very, very, very quickly that the friction from his own drag (despite his appalling, pedophilloic hairlessness that would make him infinitesimally smoother) would set him ablaze.

“Namor is a pretty fast swimmer!” You might say. “Isn’t there just as much friction from the water?” Yes, but water has a higher specific heat capacity than air. Also, there is less oxygen for fiery combustion. Also, shut up.

It isn’t just that Namor has those preternatural douche-flaps above his sea-water athletes foot ridden leatherette booties. It is also the fact that he has those ridiculous arching eyebrows and that equally unnerving forehead bulge. What does Sue Storm see in this guy? I know what he sees in her- when he can see her- What he sees in her is the chance for children with normal foreheads. Weird ankle-winged fishkids with normal foreheads and less pomade.

Yeah, she’s got great legs. Not him though. Tiny ankle wings. Plus, what is that speedo made of? scales? How does that action smell when it heats up due to drag?

Sub-Mariner? More like Sub-Human.

Fucking. Hate. Namor.
Winner: Avengers.

Decision: The Avengers

So The Mighty Avengers move on to the final. Tune in next week to see whether they will face The Justice League, or The X-Men.

Until then, mock us and show off your own comic book nerd skills below.

This past weekend, the stars aligned properly, Zod was in retrograde, and The Correctness gathered together for that time honoured tradition: The Superhero Movie.

We were all able to get tickets to the same showing of Iron Man 2 in IMAX, and made the appropriate amount of noise at the appropriate, and inappropriate times. We cheered and were impressed with the trailer for Inception, and we sighed and wept for the future during the trailer for Shrek 56.

Tbinns suggested at the end of the film that we all review the film Smackdown style. And so, we did… Enjoy! (Also, weigh in on the poll at your right!)

admin_rock

First, the disclosure: I was never much of an Iron Man fan. I didn’t read his comic book, and when I did come across him in other books, he always seem boring. Civil War and X-Men Forever both paint him in a bad light, and it’s difficult to have any affinity for the character.

Having said that, I went to the original Iron Man film, and really enjoyed it. I thought it was well made, kept things moving, and was very enjoyable. I had suspicions that it wouldn’t be one of the all time greats, and I don’t think it has much rewatchability.

After seeing Iron Man 2, it all became very clear for me. This franchise lives and dies with Robert Downey Jr. I have a hunch that you could change every other aspect of the films (not to slight Jon Favreau, who did a great job), as long as you keep Downey, you’re fine.

I say this because it occurred to me while I watched that I love the hell out of Downey’s Stark (if only the comics would capture that bravado…), but I don’t really like Iron Man.

As a hero, he’s pretty dull. The mask doesn’t help, as we lose a lot of his humanity, and the fact that all his villains so far have been other guys in metal suits, and that the “new suits” are all just slightly different versions of the same suit, same colours etc. There’s also the part where we watch metal hit metal again and again, with no impact on the human inside. Yawn.

Mickey Rourke is in this movie, apparently he’s a genius physicist who has the hair of a wrestler, the tattoos of a douchebag, and the teeth of Flava Flav. He lives with his dad in a fleabag apartment in Russia, and when his dad dies, leaving behind some blueprints, he’s able to fashion a powerful whip-like device using the power supply thingie that Stark also uses. So, if I understand this, while rent, and haircuts are apparently an issue, finding and getting expensive electrical parts, power supplies, and such are easy as pie. Okay.

And what the hell was all that crap about the bird? Do we care? Did I miss something? I was certain he was using the term in the English sense, that he was demanding the return of Scarlett Johanssen.

My other issue was with the insane amount of broken glass in this movie. Whenever possible, glass in this movie will shatter, showering everyone in sight. But no one gets cut. Ever. There’s a scene where drunken girls are throwing bottles in the air, Iron Man is blasting the bottles, which shatter everywhere, and no one is even ducking or covering themselves. Later in the movie, the exhibition is interrupted by a battle, and glass falls about 1 or 2 stories on to the crowd, who are completely unaffected.

Performance-wise, Downey is awesome in this role. He’s a delight to watch, the ultimate rich guy with swagger. Sam Rockwell was great as well, the kind of role most actors would kill for! Don Cheadle and Gwyneth Paltrow are fine, and do their jobs effectively. Scarlett Johanssen is great eye candy, and her fight sequences are fantastic (great choice to keep them short and sweet).

On the whole, I’d say this is a great film, I’d recommend it to anyone. It’s not the king of superhero films (still Dark Knight Returns in my book), but it’s an enjoyable ride. I’d give it an 8 out of 10.

Tbinns

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Dave. Are you suggesting that The Dark Knight has LESS broken glass than Iron Man 2? Perhaps if you count by volume ie: 1 giant glass dome versus 50 individual and separate glass windows.

The Dark Knight is NOTHING BUT broken glass. Just off the top of my head there was broken glass in: The bank heist, the recapture of Scarecrow, Rachel getting dropped out the window…a TON of broken glass when the Bat cycle took a tour through that building, the capturing of Lau, and the swat break in at the end. That’s not even counting the hospital and warehouse explosions.

I’m not saying it wasn’t awesome…I’m just saying people in broken glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so to speak.

(admin_rock: I was more speaking to the showering of innocents with glass while they gleefully ignore it, but I could have been more clear. AND, I’m not basing my “king of superhero movies” solely on glass count, mister “I read your review before writing my own!”)

Could someone with even less of a life than us do a comparative study/youtube video and settle this one for us please?

(RobbieRobTown: I did, but got bored)

But onto the subject at hand…

I enjoyed the hell out of Iron Man 2. The lone Black Widow fight scene was awesome…Scar Jo did not embarrass herself at all by trying an accent, which I think was a good choice. (How good of a spy would she be if she sounded deeply Russian?)Mickey Rourke chose a more laid back form of scenery chewing, which made him more bad ass. (I agree the bird went nowhere, apart from the payoff sight gag after he took out those Hammer cronies.) And dialogue wise, everyone was talking at the same time as everyone else, with that kind of 70’s era overlap, which I still think is kinda nifty. The action was well done, although it could have used a little more. It was funny. The Avengers set up was exciting. Sam Rockwell was great. And of course Robert Downey jr. fucking OWNS Tony Stark.

It was a good time, and judging by the upcoming release slate, I don’t see too many more of those coming this summer. I’m not certain where all of this mixed reaction and dislike is coming from. I think we might be spoiled. I hate to pull the old man “When I was a kid” routine, but I remember a time when we would DREAM of superhero movies like this, when all we were getting is a Golan Globus Punisher that didn’t even HAVE the skull symbol on the outfit. And it starred Dolph Lundgren. Dolph. Lundgren.And a straight to video Captain America, which owing to the fact that it starred J.D. Salinger’s son, I have nicknamed “Catcher in the Wal-Mart Bargain Bin”

This is what we were talking about on the monkey bars at recess people, lighten up and enjoy it. And if Scarlett Johannsen (and Gwyneth Paltrow, if that’s your taste) in a tight black dress sashaying slowly up a set of stairs isn’t worth your 15 bucks I don’t know what is.

RobbieRobTown:

I didn’t exactly see the first Iron Man film under the best circumstances. In fact, let me just say that due to an unfathomably shitty series of events, and a transpacific flight, that particular Monday, the single worst day of my life, lasted 35 hours. Anyhow, that was the day I saw Iron Man, and because my subconscious could not allow my fragile conscious mind to experience any more depression, I think I enjoyed it. Actually, I just felt numb, and suicidal, so that was a really refreshing change from the soul shattering nightmare the rest of that day was.

So, my expectations for Iron Man 2 were low, to say the very least. Well, good news, everyone! My expectations were totally exceeded! This movie was better than the lowest point you have ever experienced. Iron Man 2 was better than a totally genuine existential meltdown. Iron man 2 is better than questioning your entire understanding of reality! Iron Man 2 is better than the last in a long line of unfathomably thorough betrayals! Iron Man 2 is better than confronting the purposelessness of your own existence. And Scarlett Johansson is in it, and she is so very pretty. By the way, I just did a quick spelling check on Scarlett Johansson’s name in google, and auto complete suggested the following 2 things in order:

1. First Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson”

2. Next Auto-Complete Suggestion: “Scarlett Johansson’s Breast size”.

Really? Really guys? Google, really? Does it matter? Did you enjoy seeing them in the film? Did you need reassurance for a sweater you are knitting for her? Can that possible be the second most popular search regarding Scarlett Johansson in the entire world? Wow guys.

The boys have already covered the key points on this film. I thought the dialouge was cute, and punchy, and an A-List nerd fantasy girl kicks some ass- Though, spoiler alert, she kicks ass for basically no narrative reason. She still kicks ass, but it just isn’t important to the story at all- AT ALL.

A word of warning for you die-hards waiting for the end credits reveal- another spoiler alert here- the long wait through the credits is not exactly paid off  by the awkwardly framed shot of Thor’s Hammer. Food for thought, though it is very respectful of you to sit through all the credits like that.

Well gang the Superhero Smackdown continues, after a less controversial but still somewhat contested victory for Superman. There has also been a line up change…

As you can see we have removed Aquaman from the competition, as really Namor is the only person he should be squaring off with, and replaced him with Spawn. We were flirting with Spawn vs. Hellboy, sort of a Battle from Hell thingy, but we had our hearts set on a showdown with the Hulk.

We have received some great feedback, keep it coming. In particular, we received one that told us to set the scene a little more carefully, as environment is a crucial factor in deciding who would win. We agree with this and will set the environmental parameters a little more carefully in the future.

We look forward to being called “Dipshits” this Friday. Hulk vs, Hellboy. It’s gonna hurt. Join us, won’t you?

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Superman vs Iron Man

(Editor’s Note: To the douchebag on Fark who couldn’t figure out from the images and the constant references by name that we were talking about Hal Jordan last week because we didn’t specify that in that in the title, for our purposes, Iron Man is Tony Stark. Not James Rhodes, not Ozzy Ozbourne, not even your mom.)

Rob: Well, straight out of the gate we need to clear a few things up. Firstly, it’s pretty clear the Man of Steel isn’t made of steel, and Iron Man isn’t made of iron. This is a metallurgical nightmare. Both of these guys are probably other types of alloys, and fridge magnets may or may not stick to them.

Next, on a more serious note, and since I don’t want to be accused of having no genitals again, nor the ability to seduce a woman- both of which are irrefutably true, but irrelevant to my opinion as a comedian- I have some concerns about just how strong Superman is. Supes is either somewhere on the scale between a very, very strong human being, or omnipotently strong in a Greek God kind of way. In various mediums, Superman has been punched hard by humans and rattled, or he has been totally unaffected. I’m saying this because, either the Iron Man suit would make this fight interesting, or Superman would crush Tony Stark inside of the suit like an aluminum can filled with styrofioam- No, I don’t know why in this simile the aluminum can is filled with styrofoam. Maybe it’s because the Nerdosphere knows I have no genitals, and so I have time to fill aluminum cans with styrofoam and crush them just for shits and giggles.

And, lest we forget,  we’re leaving aside whether kindly ‘ol Kal-El would actually hurt someone to death- again, this is Friday Night Fight, not Sunday Tea and Biscuits. Again though, we’re presuming Supes in in a killy mood.

So, taking into account that it is hard to judge just how strong Superman is, and just how melty is x-ray/heat vision is, and just how much oxygen is in Iron man’s suit, this could be interesting. Nonetheless, if we look at Superman’s most awesome moments, and assume those are the standard, we’re going to have to assume Super Man wins. Oh, Of course Tony Stark has the financial abillity for find lots of Kryptonite too, but even so…

Decision: Superman

Dave: Well, it’s a sad day for Iron Man. As with all brackets, there are bound to be some early mismatches. That’s what makes the whole bracket concept work. Iron Man had the bad luck to square off against the Super Hero of Super Heros. He’s wishing he could have taken on Daredevil (but who isn’t?). For the sake of argument, let’s give Tony Stark a fighting chance. Let’s say he knows about Superman, that he knows about the Kryptonite thing. Tony Stark flies out into space and procures some big K. he flies back to Earth, and stands just behind the Kryptonite, encased in lead, waiting for Supes. As he stands there, gloating, telling Superman about how he knows about this weakness, Superman grabs Iron Man, and takes him back into orbit, in say, a fifth of a second. Assuming a fight to the death, Tony Stark becomes fuel for the Sun moments later.

That’s a best case scenario for Iron Man. Besides, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr’s charm aside) is a huge, government registration program loving douchebag, and The Avengers are boring as shit.

Superman takes this without even wrinkling the tights.

Decision: Superman

TONY:

IRON MAN: You’re the man of Steel huh? Well I’m the man of Iron and THESE are my kryptonite laced REPULSOR RAYS!!!

SUPERMAN: Great Caesar’s Ghost!!!!

IRON MAN: Really? You say that? Without irony?

SUPERMAN: Cut me some slack, I was raised in Kansas

IRON MAN: When I’m done kicking your ass here, I’m going to get my publicity department to work on a better catchphrase for you.

SUPERMAN: I’m actually more famous than you. Without a publicity department. And you’re starting to annoy me and that is a collossally bad idea.

IRON MAN: Who’s the brunette in the stands…? One of yours? nice…I like em with a little spunk.

SUPERMAN: Oh, it’s on, Iron Bitch

Again, I am making the assumption that Tony is given time to research and create a “Supermanbuster” armor complete with Kryptonite repulsor rays, and perhaps even made of a Kryptonite alloy. Surely no disagrees that he has the resources, and the smarts to do this. This has been done to Supes twice before, and it only worked once, and the guy in the suit was Batman. And even he had to feign death to capitalize on his advantage. But Tony is an EXPERT at creating armor. This is not a side project it’s his life’s work. Surely his suit would be among the ones that actually beat Superman, right?

Well if it were straight up hand to hand, and the armour was made of Kryptonite alloy, and he nailed him good with the Krypto repulsers maybe, and again just maybe because if Stark fucks up even once, it’s over. And no matter what people say, Clark is no dummy. He’s got few tricks up his sleeve as well. Ol Supes has an ace in the hole. He can heat Tony’s armor to intolerable levels from accross the arena without getting anywhere near the Krypto suit, assuming he can stay clear of the repulsor rays, and given his super speed I’m going to say yes, he can do that. Or he could freeze it up from a distance. And if there ISN’T a Krypto alloy in the suit? Well…remember that scene in Superman where he squeezed coal into a diamond? Say hello to the Stark Memorial Diamond.

I’m sure Tony thought he’d take care of Supes, have a shower, then nip over to Lois’s place for a few cocktails and an “Exclusive interview” but his cockiness will undo him. Superman is altogether just too …Super. I know one thing though. I would totally want to see this as a movie.
Decision: Superman

The Winner…Superman!

Once again The Correctness is unanimous. And if you are here from Fark, as many were last week, welcome back, and please stop yelling at us. We are primarily a comedy site. No one here actually thought Green Lantern was bitten by a radioactive lantern. Next week…oh I don’t know how about a little Hulk vs. Hellboy? Tony is a notorious Hulk fanboy…this ought to be interesting. Stay tuned!