ACTION SMACKDOWN!

 
 

It’s Finals Day, and everyone is excited and eager!!!! No more delays, time for Dr Jones and James Bond to get it on.Two men enter, one man leaves.

 
 

Admin_Rock

This is what it’s all come down to. A long road, a number of crazy battles, split decisions, twists and turns. But we’re here. The Final. Bond vs Indy. My youth in conflict with itself. Indy holds a special place for me. Raiders came out when I was in grade school, I think it was grade 4 or 5. My parents went to see it, but I wasn’t allowed. Too graphic, etc. I had the Raiders trading cards, and was crazy about the movie. Finally I saw it and loved it to pieces. James Bond also was a big part of my childhood. I saw every movie in the theatre, I think starting with View To a Kill. Kept the streak alive until the last few Brosnan films. On a pure emotional level, Indy wins in a heartbeat. Bond is cold and calculating, while Indy is personable and flawed. It’s hard to get emotionally invested in Bond, to really care about him. Indy, the exact opposite.

But this isn’t about childhood, or emotion. This is the SMACKDOWN!!!!

Indy and Bond enter the ring. Indy looks at Bond, heaves a great sigh. He’s tired, and not looking forward to this. Bond squints a steely squint, and charges the platform. He parkours up the side, and grabs his Walther P99. He turns and prepares to fire. But Indy isn’t there anymore. Bond looks around, and can’t see him. He realizes, a second too late, that Indy is below him. Indy grabs a foot and pulls, causing Bond to slip, and fall from the platform, dropping the gun.

The two men toe the line, and begin circling. Bond attacks quickly, using 3 different styles of martial arts. Indy is hit by all three. His nose begins to bleed, and he staggers back. During the next ten minutes, Indy manages to land a few blows, but takes the lion’s share of the beating. As Bond is closing in for the win, Indy looks behind him for a swinging plane propeller, or a supernatural act. But they just don’t come. Indy’s opponents make mistakes, usually big ones. That’s not Bond. Indy looks at Bond, does that cocking his head to the side thing, and then, Lights Out.

Winner: Bond
 
 

RobbieRobTown

So, I’d like to remind you at this juncture (Time?, I’d like to remind you at this time?) that you all bitched, and moaned, and called me a mollycoddled sack licker because you anticipated that this would be a Han Solo/ Indiana Jones final round.

“RobbieRobTown, you are such a dickless scroatgobbler that you live inside the sweaty anus of another fanboy and eat his poopscraps of wannabe-ism like some kind of tapeworm nerd.” You said, complexly.

WEEEEELLLLLL, poop on you, Sir or Madam (but probably Sir)! It’s an Indy/ Bond finale, and that’s that.

Urrrrrrrrghhh. I am going to call this one early. I am, ugggggggh, I am, errrrrrrgggghhh, uh, I am giving this one to James Bond.

I love Indy. I love Indy so much that to this day I have never seen “Crystal Skull”. Not one second of it. Not so much as a clip, or even a trailer. I heard that Shia LeBeouf was going to be in the film and I immediately considered the whole affair to be like an apocryphal text, removed from the bible and left in a cave somewhere for a History Channel show to discover and base a series on.

I love James Bond too. I have even read some of the original Ian Fleming novels. They are atrociously pulpy, by the way, but once you accept their pulpiness, they become kind of awesome. Lovecraft is the same…

My contention since early on in this event is that Indy is better written than most of his opponents. He has a more nuanced character (I said “more”, not “completely” or “realistically” nuanced), and his biggest weakness is his charming vulnerability.

Bond was written to be human as well, originally, but in his many incarnations he has gone from several extremes- From superhuman (Did anyone see “Goldeneye”?) to heartbroken (LAZENBY!!!). Daniel Craig is a tad more vulnerable than some Bonds, without being Lazenbian. I had a girlfriend once who turned out to be a Lazenbian. True story.

So, both of these guys are going to make a few mistakes, end up with some nasty looking bruises, and look a bit worse for wear as this fight goes on. I am giving this one top Bond because he is a trained spy, and Indy is a trained academic.

Let the rain of hate fall on my shattered man-parts!

Winner: Bond

Loser: Shia “The Beef” LaBeouf

 
 
 
 

Cub Reporter Keith

Henry Jones Junior versus Mr. Sterling from Universal Exports. Battle to the finish. May the best man win and the lesser man rest in peace.

Jones and Bond stand in the arena, surrounded by the skulls of the fallen. So many heroes have perished in this clash. Bourne, The Bride, Mal. The warriors of two very different ages take a moment to remember all that has come before.

Bond has survived the two Correctness writers who had promised to fix this battle to end with Han Solo and Indy. That is the sort of man 007 is. He beats the odds, gets the girl and then drinks a watered down vodka martini.

Indy has been beaten down and keeps coming back. He is a man out of time and almost as much of an antique as the artifacts he has sought all his life.

On the pedestal are two of the simplest but most iconic weapons in this Smackdown. A leather whip and a Walther PPK.

Bond takes in his opponent. This dusty academic in brown would not make it this far without being both lethal and lucky. But Bond has never believed in luck.

Indy could use a good whiskey and a long vacation somewhere free of both snakes and Nazis (as if the two are different things). One man stands in his way. A man so charming Indy wouldn’t want him in a room alone with Marion. A man so dark that light seems to fall into his eyes, never to escape.

It is time. Indy takes the lead and makes a running dive at Bond. Bond is faster, always faster. Indy has not even seen the big man move before he finds himself sailing past, a side kick catching him in his ribs.

Indy crashes to the ground, rolling in the dust. Bond approaches, trying to finish this honourably. Bond takes no joy in the pain of others, but he does his job. And that job is to eliminate this American grave robber.

Indy throws a handful of dust from the arena floor into Bond’s eyes and uses the distraction to start a flurry of blows to Bond’s sides. Bond tries to ignore the burning sensation of the dust and block the attack of his invisible opponent. Indy stops to take a breath.

“It doesn’t have to end this way, you limey bastard!”

And in that moment, he has lost. Still blinded, Bond strikes out with a blow to Indy’s throat, partially collapsing the elder man’s trachea.  Indy stumbles back, stunned and struggling to get his breath through the damage. Bond takes out a handkerchief and wipes the dust from his eyes as Jones falls backward, still clutching his throat.

Bond never takes his eyes off Jones as he retrieves his PPK from the pedestal. He returns with both weapons and tosses the whip toward Jones.

“What I do now I do for Queen and Country. Don’t think for a moment that I enjoy it. Goodbye, Doctor Jones.”

Jones looks up, his eyes steeled. So this is how it ends. It isn’t so bad, if you can keep the fear from your mind.

A single shot. The Smackdown ends.

Winner:  Bond. You don’t get to 23 films by hiding in refrigerators.
 
 

Decision: BOND

You can put it in the win column. Bond takes the prize.

Yes? No? You hate us? let us know below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Snake Plissken of “Escape From x” fame vs Indiana Jones of “Seriously? If you don’t know who he is, you’re in the wrong place. go visit knitmebabyonemoretime.com or something.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Let’s get it on, like River Song.

TBINNS

The stadium is packed….and a cheer goes up, as John Carpenters pulsing digital theme comes over the loudspeaker, and Snake Plissken limps into the arena. He’s not hurt or anything, he just knows the limp makes him look cooler. Then, after a few moments…John Williams’ triumphant march starts, and the crowd goes wild . The man in the fedora who saunters into the arena is definitely the crowd favorite. As the theme song fades, both contestants eye each other from across the ring. Directly in front of them on a raised up ten foot are : a bat with nails in it, a garbage can lid…and a whip.

The two wait for the sound of the buzzer. The crowd so silent now you could hear a pin drop. Plissken clears his throat. He’s indicating something to Dr. Jones. Indy doesn’t quite get what he’s doing. Snake mutters:

SNAKE: the card…the CARD Read the… READ THE CARD I GAVE YOU!

JONES: Huh? Oh…uh (Pulls a small notecard from his upper pocket and reads aloud) Ummm SNAKE PLISSKEN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

SNAKE: I get that a lot.

JONES: Of course you get that a lot, you go around telling people to say it, Plissken

SNAKE: Call me Snake…

JONES: I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you…

The Buzzer sounds…it’s on!

Welcome back to Smackdown, boys and girls. This is going to be a lot trickier than the superhero smackdowns…a lack of superpowers to define the shape of the battle evens the playing field a lot. It’s almost anybody’s game…it all comes down to how you justify your favourite.

Let’s take a look at our competitors for a moment. Snake is a war hero, a soldier, highly skilled in hand to hand, not above cheating to get the job done, kills with no compunction, and has experience in arena style fighting. Indy is a brawler with a wicked right hook, (That makes a sound on impact that brings back so many happy childhood memories) has the smarts, thinks fast on his feet and is tenacious as all hell. On paper, I think you’d have to say the advantage goes to Snake.

Plissken is faster, meaner, and less likely to blink at killing a guy.

HOWEVER

When has Indiana Jones EVER been in a fight when HE has the advantage? How many times is he getting his ass kicked only to come back and beat his nemesis by taking full advantage of his environment?

I think the key for Jones is to get the whip. Snake wants the weapons too, but I think he’s smart enough to go after Jones first, knock him down, or out, and then stroll over and get the weapons (Something that I think is very much Snake’s style) Here’s the thing though…Jones ain’t going down. Knock him down, he gets right back up and in your face again.

So let’s say for the sake of argument that Snake gets to the weapons first. I believe in this situation, he probably would. I believe he would make a TACTICAL ERROR here that will eventually cost him the fight. And what is that error?

He’ll go for the bat.

There is no evidence that Snake knows how to use the whip, it’s a highly specialized weapon that takes years to master. Sure he could take it just to try and keep it away from Indy, but I think he’s aggressive enough that he just wants to end it quickly by sinking some nails into that big old college professor brain.

Indy, thinking fast would probably grab the garbage can lid, and try to hold Plissken off.

Plissken sinks the bat deep into the garbage can lid, wrenching it out of Indy’s hand. Indy is on the ground, crawling away backward, while Snake puts a foot on the lid to free it from the bat. Snake comes in to deliver the death blow and is greeted with…a handful of dirt in his one good eye. Rolling out of the way Indy scrambles over and picks up the whip that’s lying on the ground, but it’s too late. Indy has the whip, and uses it to take the eye out of commission permanently.

The punches crack like thunder, the crowd cheering like mad as Indy tosses Snake down a ventilation shaft and into the fan below.

“I hate snakes” he mutters, limping toward the exit.

Winner: Indiana Jones

Admin_Rock

If this smackdown battle took place between Kurt Russell and Harrison Ford today, we’d have a 60 year old Kurt going up against a 69 year old Harrison Ford. All this to say that, man, our action heroes are old.

But instead, we have Snake Plissken, a scoundrelly convict with a screw you, I got mine attitude versus an archeologist with a penchant for getting in the middle of things much bigger than him. Snake is deadshot, with lots of anger, and not afraid to mix it up close. Indy is also pretty good with a gun, and while often afraid, has a knack for coming out on top. Both have been in movie franchises that started strong, and got progressively worse with each new edition.

Horn goes, Snake begins sprinting towards the weapons pole. Indy looks around, realizes what the horn means, see Snake with an advantage, and starts running himself. Snake reaches the pole first, leaping to grab the top of the pole, and begins hoisting himself up. Indy gets to the pole, and grabs Snake’s leg, trying to prevent him from pulling up to the weapons. Snake looks down, scowls, and plants a boot in Indy’s face. Indy lets out a grunt, looks wide eyed, but doesn’t let go. Snake kicks again, and a third time. On the third, Indy grabs the foot, and begins pulling Snake down. Snake has managed to grab Indy’s revolver from the top of the post before falling back, and as he lands, he points the revolver straight at Indy.

Snake fires, missing Indy’s head by a fraction of an inch, taking the Ferdora off Indy’s head. Indy looks, realizes how close it was, then returns his attention to snake, whom he punches in the face. Snake grimaces more, and points the gun again. Indy grabs for the gun too, and they wrestle, neither able to gain advantage. Finally, Snake is able to get on top of Indy, and slowly forces (damn this is hard to write without sounding a little homoerotic) the gun towards Indy’s face. Indy, desperate for any out, looks up and grabs Snake’s eyepatch, pulling it from his face. Snake is surprised, moreso when Indy plants him thumb in there. Snake pulls his hands to his face like someone stung by a wasp in the eye. Indy punches Snake again, and unable to find the gun in the confusion and dirt, rolls away from Snake.

Snake looks up, his grimace turning to anger, then back to a grimace (now I want McDonald’s for some reason). He looks over at the weapons post, and sees his own gun, a Coreburner, and runs over, climbs the post again. He pulls himself atop the platform, grabs the gun, turns to Indy with a grimace on his face. He sees Indy standing there, revolver in hand. Indy shoots him twice, and Snake’s body falls the ten feet to the ground.

Indy brushes the dust off his shirt, and staggers toward the exit. Camera cuts to a fedora, lying in the dust, as Indy’s hand reaches in to pick it up. With the sun setting behind him, he puts the fedora on, and continues walking away

WINNER: Indiana Jones

RobbieRobTown

I remember Snake Plisken best from SCTV as “Harry, the man with a snake on his face” from Harry’s Discount Sex Shop.  I know John Candy was beloved, but he just isn’t an action hero. It’s really going to come down to that.  I just don’t see Uncle Buck having the energy to defeat Indiana Jones. The energy to microwave socks? Sure.

Now, I know Indy hates snakes, or shakes? Is it shakes? I’ve seen so many shot-for-shot “tribute” versions of Raiders that I honestly can’t remember which thing he hates. Anyway, he lifts the bag of boulders off the snakes, and then he has to run away from the plane, and he falls in a crevasse, and Lando is all like “Throw me the rope!” and Indy is all like “I’ll never join you!”.

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in Indy’s story is when he has to send his sister Kit to play for a different team in the Women’s baseball league. It turns out that the nazis wouldn’t let the women’s baseball league exist after the war (“No ticket!”), and that made Geena Davis sad. Wait, am I watching “A League of Their Own”? Why did Rosie O’Donnell eat Madonna? Uh oh, somebody’s husband died.  Now the girls are going to have a terrible game.  Thank god Indy is made of Lego , and he is therefore resilient.

In the ring, I see it going like this: What the fuck, is Bill Pullman in A League of Their Own too?  Why am I watching this? Where are my testicles? Anyway, so, Snake Plisken runs for a gun, and Indy does what? He runs away, you guys. He would run away from the danger. That’s what Indy does. We like him because he is vulnerable and kind of cowardly and sort of lucky, and that’s great. Snake Plisken is, on the other hand, a stone cold killing machine. He could kill you with that grimace. ie:

Anybody: Oh, hey Snake.

Snake Plisken: (Grimaces)

Anybody: I just puked my balls out my eyes! (dies)

Bahahaha, there is an ad about gout on TV. What a douchey illness. Eat an apple, you gouty chumps.

Seriously, Indiana Jones is a better developed character with more quirks and humanity, and this is why Snake Plisken would eat him for breakfast, and then floss him out of his grimace. All we ever see of Snake is him being a relentless killer. I said it, and I stand by it. You don’t know where I live, and you know no women know where I live, I can say what I feel!

“But wait!”, you say. “Indy is smarter! He’s a professor- of Lego!”

“Be that as it may,” I say, “We have to assume Snake is smart because we have never seen him fail a written test on screen.”

“What?” You say. “Not only does Indy never take a written test on screen either, but you could use that argument to phone in any smackdown from here on out with any underwritten automaton!”

“Bingo!” I say!

Winner: Snake “Benefit of the Doubt” Plisken

Loser Lawrence “Makes ‘em too interesting” Kasdan

So Indy moves on to the next round, and we’ll have to wait and see whom he’s paired up with. Join us next week for another exciting installment of Action Smackdown!!!!!

Oh and argument, abuse, and the occasional backhanded compliment below.

The Correctness is a website that’s only about comedy, you think. But, remember, you also thought that Stonewash denim was a good idea, and that Uggs were awesome. You were wrong. The Correctness plays many important roles in your life. One of them is to provide replacements for disappointing films. Today, we tackle the mess that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.*

*(Or otherwise- RRT)

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.*

*(Except for RRT)

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, are subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

DAVE: Let’s start out by putting a few things on the table. I LOVE Indiana Jones. Always have. I was in grade 3 or 4 when Raiders came out, and I was disappointed when my parents went to see it with friends, and determined I couldn’t go for a few years. (They were right, it’s filled with some pretty frightening images. When I show it to my 6 year old son, I have to be on the ball to skip over the body of Alfred Molina, as well as Mr. Face Melt at the end. Mostly, he just wants to see the boulder scene, after which he demands we play the LEGO Indiana Jones game for the Wii.)

In fact, one of the first articles I wrote for The Correctness was about whether there should be an Indy 5 (which is now in pre-production, apparently we’re heading to the Bermuda Triangle.)

I’m certainly in the minority when I share my feelings about the 2nd and 3rd films. That is to say that Temple of Doom isn’t nearly as awful as most people seem to think, and that on the whole, it’s much stronger than the disappointing Last Crusade. I think the Eastern subject matter, as well as Kate Capeshaw’s screaming is responsible for the criticism of Temple. It does have Indy’s best sidekick by far, and some great action sequences. Last Crusade is simply a gong show, with the introduction of Sean Connery as Indy’s dad giving the film a light hearted direction which doesn’t help anyone. Sallah goes from being a stalwart capable man to a bumbling fool, as does Marcus Brody. The villains are Nazis (AGAIN?), and many of the story beats are retreads of things from the first two films. The best villain in the film is the dude who gives Indy his hat, and that’s over in about 15 minutes.

But I digress. I really, really, really wanted to love Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but as I watched, it became apparent that they were trying to recapture the magic, and failing terribly. Actually, my first thought was “This is like watching my dad go an adventure.” I like my dad a lot, but he’s maybe a bit old for that kind of thing. There were moments of pure Indy, the chase inside the warehouse was great, and the cemetery scene was good as well. But for every one of those, we had a “nuking the fridge”, or “swinging through the jungle”. The other thing that still bugs me is the idea that the guardians of the temple near the end just hang out inside the walls for months on end, waiting, hoping against hope, that someone will come along.

So: How to fix Crystal Skull?

First things first, as much as I hate to admit it, Harrison Ford is too damn old. No one wants to see their grandpa adventuring. So we need to recast him with someone slightly younger. Someone in their 40′s (because we’re doing a movie from the 50′s, as opposed to an earlier Indy story.) Should be someone who can pull off swagger and bravado. We’ll save the actual casting for a “Casting Couch” article. Same goes for Marion. It’s not an ageism thing, but I want Indy to look capable of pulling off the stunts and the physical exertion.Shia LeBoeuf can stay. He was fine. The movie had his character doing some stupid shit, but he himself was not a problem.

The opening can stay intact, except we lose the cutesy gophers. The soldiers arrive at the base, and roll Indy and Mack out of the trunk. They go inside the warehouse and force Indy to find the skeleton. Mac reveals himself to be a traitor, and the scene plays out the same, with Indy escaping on the high speed rail. Only this time, he doesn’t end up in the test site. He watches it unfold from a distance.

Back at the University, Dr Jones’ class is interrupted by a brash young man who enters, leaving an envelope on the desk, while he makes eyes at a few of the girls in the front row. He leaves, and Jones goes to follow him, demanding an answer. However, Jones is met at the door by officials of the US Govt, who want to talk him about the Area 51 event. There is an interrogation, during which Indy’s loyalty is questioned. After much argument, he is released, but followed. He heads back to the university, and opens the letter. Realizing his friend is in danger, he immediately makes plans to head to Peru. At the airport, we see US Agents, as well as Mutt, following Indy. In a brief action sequence, he loses the agents, grabs Mutt, and gets him on the plane as well. During the flight, Mutt explains the background on Oxley.

The Asylum and Cemetery scenes stay intact, except that after they leave Peru, we have a brief scene with the US Agents arriving late to the game, and figuring out where Jones went from the ticket agents. They themselves are being followed by shadowy figures.

Indy and Mutt arrive in Brazil, following clues they have gleaned from Oxley’s letters and the info in both the asylum and the cemetery. They hire equipment, and make their way towards Akator. We have a scene at night by the campfire, in which Indy and Mutt begin to bond, as Mutt tells Indy stories about Oxley, and what it was like growing up in the midst of his genius and madness. Jones tells Mutt that in the morning, they’ll reach the temple. Without warning, the camp is attacked by the Us Agents, in an attempt to capture Jones. Jones and Mutt escape in to the jungle, where they are surprised to find the Russians (who have been following the Americans.) They are brought back to the camp, and Spalko, Mac, and her men attempt to get the location of the temple from Indy. He refuses. They threaten to shoot him. He refuses. They bring out Mutt, and threaten to shoot him. Mutt tells Indy not to tell them. They then bring out Marion Ravenwood, to Indy’s shock. They hold a gun to her head, and ask for the location again. Indy is about to tell them, when Mutt grabs a branch from the fire, and attack the guard holding Marion. A fistfight ensues, joined by the American agents. During the struggle, Indy grabs Marion and Mutt, and they escape.

As they trek through the jungle, we have a scene where Indy discovers that Mutt is his son. The morning arrives, and the adventurers stumble out of the jungle to the top of the Akator structure. As in the film, it’s determined that removing the sand opens the temple. They head in to the temple, and discover a room filled with treasures. They enter the “final chamber”, and see Oxley, sitting in the centre of the room, babbling incoherently. He’s trying to return the skull, but can’t sort out the proper method of approaching the throne. Each time he does, he is knocked back. Indy reads the markings on the wall, and realizes that Oxley can’t return the skull because he’s been using the wrong approach, and that the skull belongs to young child alien. Indy explains the correct way to approach. At this point, Spalko and the soldiers arrive. Spalko takes the skull, and uses the correct path. But she is greedy and angry and impure, and the throne rejects her, destroying her with mystical energy. The same fate awaits the soldiers. The room is sealed, and threatens to tear itself apart. Indy grabs the skull, and starts down the path. Marion realizes the problem, and grabs the skull from Indy, walking down the path. She opens her mind, and the throne realizes that Marion is also a mother, and that she has no ill intent. It accepts the skull, returning it the child skeleton. The door opens, and Marion tells them they need to leave. They head out, as the temple begins to shift. As they exit, they see the ship bury itself further in the earth, the ground above it becoming hills and thick jungle.

Indy is pleased that the Russians didn’t get the ship, but has nothing to show for his adventure. Mutt pulls out a piece of parchment he grabbed on the way out. Indy realizes it’s a map showing the location of an island that could very well be Atlantis.

End with wedding scene as in film.

Damn, that was long. Sorry.

Rob:

I swear to you, I have not seen Crystal Skull, and consequently, I am in the perfect position to fix it.

( I was not allowed outside during those years: see: all previous references to my ex.)

Fist of all (And I mean “fist”, and not “first”, because that is how I feel about seeing this film), Indiana Jones is very clearly a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Indy obviously requires the assistance of a Scrappy Doo, a Bam Bam, one or both Wonder Twins, an Orbity, or any other foolishly conceived youthful sidekick.  Shia LaBeouf, who is a digitally created character, is nearly the perfect choice for this whimsical animated children’s series. Many have compared LaBeouf to Jimmy Stewart,  who is said to have that same “everyman quality”. Indeed, LaBeouf has that everyman quality precisely because he was composited from every single man on earth. The resulting digital map was used to create the most average actor of all time.  LaBeouf would have kid appeal in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, but I have a better idea.

How about this:

Indy goes on an archeological adventure in the jungle.  Upon rescuing an implausibly young, widowed mother of three from a giant spider, or a giant ape, or a tribe of giant ape-spiders, Indy feels compelled to marry this sad but beautiful (also, young) woman, and help raise her family. Also, this woman has a giant rack- like a gonzo Reno stripper rack, like, it’s kind of gross to look at but you have to keep watching it, because it’s like a freakshow. And the eldest daughter, at 17, also has an implausible rack. Might as well slap some enormous tits on the young boys too.

On a nonstop musical road trip in their converted bus, “Papa Jones and His Singing Indies” dance, play  and jiggle their way into the hearts of the world, until one fateful day, while touring in Antarctica, they are sucked down into a Lost World.

In a strange prehistoric land, The Singing Indies stumble across a wounded triceratops who happens to speak English. Not only does this gruff dinosaur named “Trike” speak English, but he also plays the most rock-steady drums this side of the stone age. Also, his rack, while scaly, is pretty big too.

Winning over the hearts and minds of an entire prehistoric world with their family oriented Christian rock, Papa Indy establishes a school for dinosaurs, and his hot wife and daughter bathe a lot.  They all go on many adventures, and Trike eventually gets a spin off series in which he becomes an AM DJ on the Above-World, and adopts a family of Catholic College girls with extraordinary racks. Trike gives them fatherly advice, and they all take their tops off a lot.

How am I doing so far. Better than Crystal Skull? Is my satirical intent clear? I will finally watch Indy 4 when they digitally remove Shia LaBeouf from every last frame.

TONY

First of all, I would like to say that Crystal Skull is not as bad as people seem to think it is.

It has deeply, deeply flawed moments to be sure, but nothing that can’t be fixed. It’s not a disaster of Episode One like proportions

Secondly, (Admin Rock I’m looking at you. ) to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is insane. You know why I didn’t watch Young Indiana Jones Chronicles? Because it didn’t have Harrison Ford in it, it wasn’t Indiana Jones.

Either deal with an older Indy…or do without.

HERE’S WHAT HAS TO GO

1. Nuke The Fridge: Now let’s be fair, straining credulity is not new to the franchise. Technically we should be no more uncomfortable with this than we were with getting your heart ripped out and still living, flying from track to track in a mine car, jumping out of an airplane in a life raft, then swooshing down a mountain side, over a waterfall and then to safety. It’s all total bullshit.

However, for some reason this seems to cross a line. I think it’s the enormity of a nuclear explosion that finally triggers our “OH COME ON!!!” response. Or maybe it’s just the fact that we aren’t watching these as kids anymore. Either way, I think the fight scene and the rocket escape were good enough…in the grand scheme of things the nuclear blast didn’t really serve any function anyway, apart from trying to raise the stakes again. Although I think they should totally nuke Buster in a lead lined fridge on Mythbusters

2. Monkeys. : Raiders Monkey= Awesome, Crystal Skull Monkeys =embarrassing. That HAS to be a George thing, it has to.

“The Monkeys look like greasers, so they decide en masse to help Mutt. Because of his hair.”

“But George, I think…”

“GREASER MONKEYS!!!!”

“Okay, okay, settle down…”

3.Sword fight : The kid having an interest in fencing to justify the swordfight is lame. They can find a different way to fight that would be just as exciting without having to resort to an actual, barely justifiable swordfight.

3. “I’m a double agent, no I’m not, yes I am, wait no I’m your pal” 1980 Indy would have shot him after the first turn, I’m not sure why 2007 Indy didn’t
4. “Here, grab this snake, I’ll haul you out” Ugggh…just ughhhh.

But having said that, the Warehouse sequence is great, the fight scene in the ravenous ants was inspired, the scenes in the graveyard with the blowdarts was classic Indy. I even liked the motorcycle chase. I liked the idea that Indy was O.S.S, I liked the fact that Marion was back. I didn’t HATE Shia LaBouef.

And I did not have the slightest problem with the inter-dimensional beings macguffin it is NO WORSE than having a centuries old knight that’s still alive, or Deus Ex Ark that wipes out your bad guy problem for you..

So my solution to make it better would be to lose what I listed above, maybe write one more really good action piece in its place, give Marion a little more to do, maybe bring in Kasdan to do punch up on the dialogue and bingo. I think you’ve got a good little Indy movie.

Having said all that…don’t make another one.