ACTION SMACKDOWN! Semi Final 1: Indy vs TMWNN. Let’s get it on like the original Red Dawn.

Cub Reporter Keith

Welcome back, Action Fans! This week we get one step closer to the final battle. This is the geek equivalent of the Olympics for you and the Bataan death march for the judges.

Let’s put them in the arena – I will treat this match as a sequel to the previous matches so in keeping with their own sequels Indy is three years younger and The Man With No Name doesn’t have his poncho yet.

Both men learned from the first round, it’s fisticuffs immediately. Indy yells and dives at the MWNN.

Just a quick aside, I know Admin Rock still hasn’t watched the MWNN films. $10 at HMV for all three films. You can’t go wrong. Seriously, that is cheaper than cupcakes.

The fight is a bit odd in my head. Both of these guys are known for getting beat senseless by people bigger than them, healing up, then winning through a bit of sneaky action. But how do two characters of such similar style fight?

Indy beats MWNN to a bloody pulp while simultaneously being beaten into the exact same consistency. In a momentary break, Indy goes for the guns. He is a fraction of a second ahead of the MWNN and thinks he has the jump on him. But now they are in what’s-his-name’s world. Now it is a shoot out.

In a move so fast it defies film speed to even capture it, MWNN fans the hammer on his single action revolver and puts every slug into Indy’s brown on brown clothing.

The Man With No Name turns to the undertaker who I forgot to mention was hanging out nearby.

“I guess you’ll need one more coffin”

Lighting a cheroote, he walks off, not adjusting his poncho because I said he doesn’t have that yet.

(note to self, don’t forget to Photoshop out poncho before posting)

Winner: The Man With No Name

Tbinns

Admin Rock, in his tender care of this site, e-mailed everyone because he was a little alarmed that no one had as of yet posted anything for this Smackdown . I myself am very busy today studying screen caps from “Love and Other Drugs” so I’m unable to contribute today.

Oh I’m studying them alright.

I did send a text off to one of my stand up comedy buddies, classic observational comedian Shecky Hackstein, who agreed to live tweet the event. Shecky has been in the business since the boom in the 80’s (I know this because he still references Mr. T in the act) and has had the privilege of sleeping on the couch of a guy who opened for Jerry Seinfeld.

Let’s take a look at the live tweeting of Indy versus The Man with No Name live tweeted from the arena by Shecky Hackstein.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Did you ever notice how many Twits are on Twitter?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Here comes Indy. Did you ever notice that no matter what happens his hat always stays on? What’s up with that?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

I remember when live tweeting used to be called “Talking”.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

TMWNN is here. How did they find him? It’s not like you could look him up in the phone book

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

#FF @DonRickles a true professional

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Thanks to Indy’s whip, the Man with no name is now the man with no gun.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Funny, you can grow dates, and you can grow rape…but you can’t grow date rape.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

MWNN is taking the boots to Indy. That’s a weird phrase, sounds like he’s a shoe salesman… “Here you go Dr. Jones, size six”

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Their fighting styles are very different. You know who else is different? Men and Women.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

If The Man with No Name was the Woman with no name he’d be all “Does my ass look fat in this Poncho?” AM I RIGHT LADIES?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

MWNN is strangling Indy with the straps of his own manpurse #menshouldneverhavepurseseveramirightguys?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

I’m starting a new movement. Occupy Morgan Fairchild’s Vagina. Who’s with me, guys? Is she hot or what?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Indy just punched MWNN, I think you can hear it from space.

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

If Arnold Swartzenegger were fighting here, he’d be all “I’ll be back” and then he’d father an illegitimate child. #careerterminated

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Indy trying to fight back but having trouble. Just like the girls at Tim Horton’s when they try and take my order

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

It’s a double double honey…Don’t you come from a country where they grow coffee you’d think they’d know that

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Boy Timmy’s is addictive, what’s in the stuff, heroin?

sgtMIKE2 Michael Mazurek

I don’t know what’s worse…the Shecky Smackdown or the coin toss from last week . @FunnyShecky, @thecorrectness

Retweeted by FunnyShecky

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

Okay…where did that plane come from? And what’s the deal with the food on airplanes?

FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien

It’s over.MWNN diced by a random plane propeller. Can I have my peanuts now stewardess?

Okay so here’s what really happened. MWNN had gun, Indy had whip, Indy took gun away, Indy shot MWNN. But there is no way on Earth Admin rock would have klet me get away with that. Either way the result is the same.

Winner :Indiana Jones

Loser: Tired old road comics.

RobbieRobTown:

I have already mentioned, Oh Faithful Readers, that I feel like Indy’s vulnerability is his weakness. It makes him more compelling, more fun to watch, we find him easier to relate to. Nonetheless, being vulnerable, no matter how much humanity and depth that gives you, still leaves you, well, vulnerable. God, that line sounded like a line from a televisoon high school weekly drama- You know the kind where the main character writes on their blog, or in the Livejournal account, or what have you, and there is a narration over top of it right at the end of the show? We found out that Dylan or Bethany or whoever learned something about themselves, and we are happy there has been a moral choice made. I think I’m going to complete this smackdown as if it were in the sports page of a high school newspaper, because I’m feeling inspired.

Hey, sports fans! It’s me your intrepid reporter Spiffy O’Mally, with another scoop that’s going to turn your your shoes blue! All you guys know that the Intramural action hero smackdown was happening in the gym this week (Go Goats!) and it sure was a wing dang dilly of a fight!
All the Fightin’ Billy Goats were in attendance, and the smackdown even saw the presence of such school luminaries as Chad Saunders! <3
First Indy came out swinging, shooting first, like he does! Then, TMWNN came hammering in like a saw, and started shooting off his six-shooter like a champagne bottle on grad night!

There was a bit of chat to satrt off the fight, and the trash talk was more trashy than a asomatous asmodeous spectre!

"Listen, we don't have to do this", impuned Indy, inpunefully.

"Hmm?" aborted-out TMWNN.

"We can just shoot each other in the legs, and call it even" , cried Indy, hospitalizationishly...

"..." rallied back The Man With No Name

"Which of you ladies wants to see me take my shirt off?", said Chad Saunders announcedly, to the satisfied cries of many a feminine goats fan- Oh, not me, obviously, I'm a boy- But it got quite the reaction when Chad Saunders finally did lift off his white t shirt and reveal his smooth and unmarked flesh like a roll of sexy parchment with a giant package.

But it was Indy's "can-do" attitude that won the day, because just like our own Fighting Goats, Indy knows how to get a job done! The after party at Chad Saunders' parents house was a real swinging affair, and your own intrepid reporter ducked into the closet for 7 minutes in heaven with an unsuspecting Chad! Boy was he angry when he found out what a hilarious practical joke I had played on him, letting him kiss and caress me for 7 full minutes...

That's enough of that, isn't it? I'm going to give this one to Indy because he is a well rounded character. Part of the fun of the serial adventure story is that the lead character always finds their way out of a bind. INdy is written to be vulnerable, to be sure, but he is also written to be clever, and quick on his feet. The Man With No Name seem calculating enough, but he doesn't have the same good-guy charm as Indiana Jones. Sure, we'd think the tides had turned, and there was no chance for Our Hero, but Lawrence Kasdan knows a thing or two about creating a sympathetic character that wins, plausibly enough, against all odds.

Winner: Indy

Loser probably: Han Solo in a battle with Indy, calling it now, Han is underwritten.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, Indiana Jones vs. Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley vs. RobbieRobTown’s insane ramblings that you will no doubt hate more than usual.

Admin_Rock

A decent match-up. We have Indy’s luck and determination against Ripley’s luck and ability to hold children as she fights. Indy is an interesting study, he has many facets of an action hero, and yet, because he preceded most of the “Action Movie” phase of Hollywood, he’s not superhuman and awesome at everything he does. Ripley is a working stiff from a spaceship who get victimized a lot, and is able to keep her head when things get all “AAAAAAH acid blood and thousands of them and we’re all gonna die!”-ey.

The Horn goes, and both combatants run for the weapons platform. It’s not pretty to watch, as neither are what you’d called finely honed athletes. They get there roughly at the same time, and because nothing ever goes right the first time for Indy, Ripley gets to her big space gun first. Indy is able to grasp the edge of the platform, and reaches for his revolver. Can’t do it, and the bullets start flying. He settles for the whip, and falls to the ground, wincing as he lands on his back. Ripley moves to the edge of the platform, and Indy backs up to avoid being shot. Ripley aims the gun from above the platform, leaving it exposed. Suddenly, the weapon is ripped from her grasp as the whip coils around it, and Indy yanks it away. the momentum sends Ripley off the platform, and she separates her shoulder on the awkward landing. Indy starts walking toward her, but she reveals, in her good hand, the revolver. Indy backs up, she shoots. There is a hole in a fedora, which pisses Indy off to no end. No longer holding back, he pulls the Big Gun up, and finishes thing off.

Winner: Indiana Jones.

Cub Reporter Keith

This time they’ve sorted out Ripley’s special weapon in advance and it’s that big gun thing from Aliens as seen here. Newt doesn’t count as a special weapon and Ripley can’t ask any space marines to help her.

Seriously, where did some folks get the idea this was “Action Hero and-everyone-they-ever-met Smackdown”? No, Kirk can’t get the entire Federation to back him up. And the space marines would kick their asses anyway.

I want all action movies to just be pluralized for the sequel. Or a grammar change. Aliens, Die Harder. This can work. The first of Depp’s franchise should have been Pirate of the Caribbean, they left that nowhere to go. Pirates of the Caribbeans? Pirates 2: Pirate Harder? Rocky 2: Rockier?

Moving right along at an embarrassingly slow pace …Indy’s special weapon is his whip. And I’ve just lost the nerd fetish crowd to mental images of Sigourney Weaver and whips.

Ripley faces off against Dr Henry “Indiana” Jones II (even his name is already a sequel!). Indiana’s hat is sitting on the ground and a breeze blows dust across it. We pan up to see him put it on his head, then staple it in place to make sure it doesn’t fall off during the fight.

The two opponents run straight for the weapons, neither a very strong hand-to-hand combatant. Sure, Indy can take a punch. Remember when he fought that Nazi mechanic in Raiders? He got the crap kicked out of him but still won.

Indy grabs his whip. Ripley stares him in the eyes and grabs the whatever-rifle and starts firing. Indy jumps to the ground, narrowly dodging the in-coming rounds. He rolls and his hat doesn’t fall off. Thanks, stapler! Ripley peers over the edge of the pedestal and Indy snaps his whip, taking her right eye out. Screaming in agony as blood pours down from the destroyed eye socket, she drops the rifle. Never one to miss an opening, Indy scrambles for the rifle.

Ripley jumps from the pedestal but Indy is too fast. He unloads the entire 278 rounds into Ripley’s falling form. The remains of her body land with a wet thump.

A door opens to his right and Indy rolls sideways and pulls the trigger. His gun is empty (I just said that a paragraph ago, pay attention). Two men in suits enter and pick up Ripley’s corpse. Indiana notices something startling.

“What the hell? This woman has no belly button. She’s a clone!” he exclaims. “This body belongs in a genetics laboratory”

“We’ll have our top men work on it, Dr Jones.”

“Who?”

“TOP men…”

Winner: Indiana Jones

Loser: anyone who was offended by the violence of this week’s entry.

Cub Reporter Keith is on Twitter as CubReporterK

RobbieRobTown

Sorry for the hold up gang, yesterday was Remembrance Day in Canada, and that means I was shaving my balls by candlelight most of the day. You know, to honour my freedom to do so. Nazis, and what a bunch of jerks they are will feature in this smackdown. Or not, maybe. We can all agree we dislike nazis.

This week’s smackdown is a battle of my childhood versus my adulthood. Indie and I met when he arrived at my house on Beta. Yeah, beta. BETA. It was pretty sweet. Indie is seen through the nostalgic haze of youth for me. Yeah, the movie is in pretty sharp focus, but after 10 or 15 viewings on Beta format tape, it started to look pretty soft focus- VHS after 2 viewings, in my humble opinion. Anyway, Indiana Jones has everything about a fondly remembered past going for it. I was young enough not to understand that Indiana Jones was a serial style adventure story. I didn’t recognize any of the conventions of serial stories, as far as I was concerned, this was all new and exciting.

I finally saw “Alien” about 10 years after getting out of film school – Oh, and the reason you guys can no longer argue with my opinion about film is that I have a film school diploma. I keep it in my closet, and bring it out whenever someone doesn’t agree with my assessment of a film. I typically use the “You are wrong about this movie, here is my diploma” gambit when I am ready to be broken up with.

From the cold, stark, crusty-boxered view of adulthood, Alien was one of the best “cabin in the woods”  films ever made. For our more retarded fans, I don’t mean that literally (shows you his diploma), but it is an impeccably crafted B-Monster film set in the ultimate isolated location.

In fact, we have two B film stars fighting this week.

Both Indy and Ripley are great at confronting their fears. Indy can cope with a tomb full of snakes, and Ripley can cope with a nest full of acid-blooded drooling space snakes. Psychologically, there is no point in comparing phobias. But we are not psychologists (shows you his diploma), and there is simple math here:

Bravery = overcoming adversity divided by severity of threat. That’s science. B=OA/SOT.

I love Indy, but the scariest thing in the universe is ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Indy all deals with a lot of Nazis. Nazis are pretty scary too. They are the scariest bad guys in a lot of films, and it sure seems like they could shoot acid and probably have flying hand-vaginas, but they don’t. Are they more psychologically disturbing because of their inhumanity? IN some stories, yes, but in the INdiana Jones stories, they are mostly kind of stupid. Ironic that Spielberg directed Schindler’s List, in which the Nazis are intensely terrifying. Just not in the Indy films.

I have decided that this is a challenge about bravery, and Ripley is scientifically more brave.

You: RobbieRobTown, this is an aesthetic thing about characters.

Me: (Shows you diploma)

You: Robbie, seriously, That diploma doesn’t make you correct. About anything.

Me: (Shakes the diploma a bit)

You: Stop it.

Me: (Shakes diploma) Film. School. GRaduate.

You: AUUUUGHH! (killing me)

Me: (dying slowly enough to look you in the eyes one last time, and shake my diploma)

Winner: Ripley, who defeated the ACID BLOODED SPACE SNAKE-LIONS WITH SCORPION TAILS AND MOUTH-TONGUES THAT HAVE FLYING HAND-VAGINAS WHICH LAY EGGS IN YOUR CHEST.

Loser: Beta.

So Indiana Jones moves on to the Quarter Final, and we move on to the next round. Discussion, hatred, compliments below.

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Snake Plissken of “Escape From x” fame vs Indiana Jones of “Seriously? If you don’t know who he is, you’re in the wrong place. go visit knitmebabyonemoretime.com or something.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Let’s get it on, like River Song.

TBINNS

The stadium is packed….and a cheer goes up, as John Carpenters pulsing digital theme comes over the loudspeaker, and Snake Plissken limps into the arena. He’s not hurt or anything, he just knows the limp makes him look cooler. Then, after a few moments…John Williams’ triumphant march starts, and the crowd goes wild . The man in the fedora who saunters into the arena is definitely the crowd favorite. As the theme song fades, both contestants eye each other from across the ring. Directly in front of them on a raised up ten foot are : a bat with nails in it, a garbage can lid…and a whip.

The two wait for the sound of the buzzer. The crowd so silent now you could hear a pin drop. Plissken clears his throat. He’s indicating something to Dr. Jones. Indy doesn’t quite get what he’s doing. Snake mutters:

SNAKE: the card…the CARD Read the… READ THE CARD I GAVE YOU!

JONES: Huh? Oh…uh (Pulls a small notecard from his upper pocket and reads aloud) Ummm SNAKE PLISSKEN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

SNAKE: I get that a lot.

JONES: Of course you get that a lot, you go around telling people to say it, Plissken

SNAKE: Call me Snake…

JONES: I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you…

The Buzzer sounds…it’s on!

Welcome back to Smackdown, boys and girls. This is going to be a lot trickier than the superhero smackdowns…a lack of superpowers to define the shape of the battle evens the playing field a lot. It’s almost anybody’s game…it all comes down to how you justify your favourite.

Let’s take a look at our competitors for a moment. Snake is a war hero, a soldier, highly skilled in hand to hand, not above cheating to get the job done, kills with no compunction, and has experience in arena style fighting. Indy is a brawler with a wicked right hook, (That makes a sound on impact that brings back so many happy childhood memories) has the smarts, thinks fast on his feet and is tenacious as all hell. On paper, I think you’d have to say the advantage goes to Snake.

Plissken is faster, meaner, and less likely to blink at killing a guy.

HOWEVER

When has Indiana Jones EVER been in a fight when HE has the advantage? How many times is he getting his ass kicked only to come back and beat his nemesis by taking full advantage of his environment?

I think the key for Jones is to get the whip. Snake wants the weapons too, but I think he’s smart enough to go after Jones first, knock him down, or out, and then stroll over and get the weapons (Something that I think is very much Snake’s style) Here’s the thing though…Jones ain’t going down. Knock him down, he gets right back up and in your face again.

So let’s say for the sake of argument that Snake gets to the weapons first. I believe in this situation, he probably would. I believe he would make a TACTICAL ERROR here that will eventually cost him the fight. And what is that error?

He’ll go for the bat.

There is no evidence that Snake knows how to use the whip, it’s a highly specialized weapon that takes years to master. Sure he could take it just to try and keep it away from Indy, but I think he’s aggressive enough that he just wants to end it quickly by sinking some nails into that big old college professor brain.

Indy, thinking fast would probably grab the garbage can lid, and try to hold Plissken off.

Plissken sinks the bat deep into the garbage can lid, wrenching it out of Indy’s hand. Indy is on the ground, crawling away backward, while Snake puts a foot on the lid to free it from the bat. Snake comes in to deliver the death blow and is greeted with…a handful of dirt in his one good eye. Rolling out of the way Indy scrambles over and picks up the whip that’s lying on the ground, but it’s too late. Indy has the whip, and uses it to take the eye out of commission permanently.

The punches crack like thunder, the crowd cheering like mad as Indy tosses Snake down a ventilation shaft and into the fan below.

“I hate snakes” he mutters, limping toward the exit.

Winner: Indiana Jones

Admin_Rock

If this smackdown battle took place between Kurt Russell and Harrison Ford today, we’d have a 60 year old Kurt going up against a 69 year old Harrison Ford. All this to say that, man, our action heroes are old.

But instead, we have Snake Plissken, a scoundrelly convict with a screw you, I got mine attitude versus an archeologist with a penchant for getting in the middle of things much bigger than him. Snake is deadshot, with lots of anger, and not afraid to mix it up close. Indy is also pretty good with a gun, and while often afraid, has a knack for coming out on top. Both have been in movie franchises that started strong, and got progressively worse with each new edition.

Horn goes, Snake begins sprinting towards the weapons pole. Indy looks around, realizes what the horn means, see Snake with an advantage, and starts running himself. Snake reaches the pole first, leaping to grab the top of the pole, and begins hoisting himself up. Indy gets to the pole, and grabs Snake’s leg, trying to prevent him from pulling up to the weapons. Snake looks down, scowls, and plants a boot in Indy’s face. Indy lets out a grunt, looks wide eyed, but doesn’t let go. Snake kicks again, and a third time. On the third, Indy grabs the foot, and begins pulling Snake down. Snake has managed to grab Indy’s revolver from the top of the post before falling back, and as he lands, he points the revolver straight at Indy.

Snake fires, missing Indy’s head by a fraction of an inch, taking the Ferdora off Indy’s head. Indy looks, realizes how close it was, then returns his attention to snake, whom he punches in the face. Snake grimaces more, and points the gun again. Indy grabs for the gun too, and they wrestle, neither able to gain advantage. Finally, Snake is able to get on top of Indy, and slowly forces (damn this is hard to write without sounding a little homoerotic) the gun towards Indy’s face. Indy, desperate for any out, looks up and grabs Snake’s eyepatch, pulling it from his face. Snake is surprised, moreso when Indy plants him thumb in there. Snake pulls his hands to his face like someone stung by a wasp in the eye. Indy punches Snake again, and unable to find the gun in the confusion and dirt, rolls away from Snake.

Snake looks up, his grimace turning to anger, then back to a grimace (now I want McDonald’s for some reason). He looks over at the weapons post, and sees his own gun, a Coreburner, and runs over, climbs the post again. He pulls himself atop the platform, grabs the gun, turns to Indy with a grimace on his face. He sees Indy standing there, revolver in hand. Indy shoots him twice, and Snake’s body falls the ten feet to the ground.

Indy brushes the dust off his shirt, and staggers toward the exit. Camera cuts to a fedora, lying in the dust, as Indy’s hand reaches in to pick it up. With the sun setting behind him, he puts the fedora on, and continues walking away

WINNER: Indiana Jones

RobbieRobTown

I remember Snake Plisken best from SCTV as “Harry, the man with a snake on his face” from Harry’s Discount Sex Shop.  I know John Candy was beloved, but he just isn’t an action hero. It’s really going to come down to that.  I just don’t see Uncle Buck having the energy to defeat Indiana Jones. The energy to microwave socks? Sure.

Now, I know Indy hates snakes, or shakes? Is it shakes? I’ve seen so many shot-for-shot “tribute” versions of Raiders that I honestly can’t remember which thing he hates. Anyway, he lifts the bag of boulders off the snakes, and then he has to run away from the plane, and he falls in a crevasse, and Lando is all like “Throw me the rope!” and Indy is all like “I’ll never join you!”.

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in Indy’s story is when he has to send his sister Kit to play for a different team in the Women’s baseball league. It turns out that the nazis wouldn’t let the women’s baseball league exist after the war (“No ticket!”), and that made Geena Davis sad. Wait, am I watching “A League of Their Own”? Why did Rosie O’Donnell eat Madonna? Uh oh, somebody’s husband died.  Now the girls are going to have a terrible game.  Thank god Indy is made of Lego , and he is therefore resilient.

In the ring, I see it going like this: What the fuck, is Bill Pullman in A League of Their Own too?  Why am I watching this? Where are my testicles? Anyway, so, Snake Plisken runs for a gun, and Indy does what? He runs away, you guys. He would run away from the danger. That’s what Indy does. We like him because he is vulnerable and kind of cowardly and sort of lucky, and that’s great. Snake Plisken is, on the other hand, a stone cold killing machine. He could kill you with that grimace. ie:

Anybody: Oh, hey Snake.

Snake Plisken: (Grimaces)

Anybody: I just puked my balls out my eyes! (dies)

Bahahaha, there is an ad about gout on TV. What a douchey illness. Eat an apple, you gouty chumps.

Seriously, Indiana Jones is a better developed character with more quirks and humanity, and this is why Snake Plisken would eat him for breakfast, and then floss him out of his grimace. All we ever see of Snake is him being a relentless killer. I said it, and I stand by it. You don’t know where I live, and you know no women know where I live, I can say what I feel!

“But wait!”, you say. “Indy is smarter! He’s a professor- of Lego!”

“Be that as it may,” I say, “We have to assume Snake is smart because we have never seen him fail a written test on screen.”

“What?” You say. “Not only does Indy never take a written test on screen either, but you could use that argument to phone in any smackdown from here on out with any underwritten automaton!”

“Bingo!” I say!

Winner: Snake “Benefit of the Doubt” Plisken

Loser Lawrence “Makes ‘em too interesting” Kasdan

So Indy moves on to the next round, and we’ll have to wait and see whom he’s paired up with. Join us next week for another exciting installment of Action Smackdown!!!!!

Oh and argument, abuse, and the occasional backhanded compliment below.

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

This week we explored a different (though in many ways familiar) tack. The poll question pitted Han Solo vs Indiana Jones, in a fistfight.

68% of you chose Indy, the vastly superior choice. Had we allowed other weapons, things would be different, but for our dollar, Indy has far more drive, ingenuity, and sheer determination. Plus, he’d probably cheat. Han can talk the talk, but he’s a bit less of a sure thing when push comes to right hook.

But perhaps the real winners here, based on my wife’s reaction while I was writing this: The ladies.

The Correctness is a website that’s only about comedy, you think. But, remember, you also thought that Stonewash denim was a good idea, and that Uggs were awesome. You were wrong. The Correctness plays many important roles in your life. One of them is to provide replacements for disappointing films. Today, we tackle the mess that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.*

*(Or otherwise- RRT)

2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.*

*(Except for RRT)

3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, are subject to ridicule and nitpicking.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

DAVE: Let’s start out by putting a few things on the table. I LOVE Indiana Jones. Always have. I was in grade 3 or 4 when Raiders came out, and I was disappointed when my parents went to see it with friends, and determined I couldn’t go for a few years. (They were right, it’s filled with some pretty frightening images. When I show it to my 6 year old son, I have to be on the ball to skip over the body of Alfred Molina, as well as Mr. Face Melt at the end. Mostly, he just wants to see the boulder scene, after which he demands we play the LEGO Indiana Jones game for the Wii.)

In fact, one of the first articles I wrote for The Correctness was about whether there should be an Indy 5 (which is now in pre-production, apparently we’re heading to the Bermuda Triangle.)

I’m certainly in the minority when I share my feelings about the 2nd and 3rd films. That is to say that Temple of Doom isn’t nearly as awful as most people seem to think, and that on the whole, it’s much stronger than the disappointing Last Crusade. I think the Eastern subject matter, as well as Kate Capeshaw’s screaming is responsible for the criticism of Temple. It does have Indy’s best sidekick by far, and some great action sequences. Last Crusade is simply a gong show, with the introduction of Sean Connery as Indy’s dad giving the film a light hearted direction which doesn’t help anyone. Sallah goes from being a stalwart capable man to a bumbling fool, as does Marcus Brody. The villains are Nazis (AGAIN?), and many of the story beats are retreads of things from the first two films. The best villain in the film is the dude who gives Indy his hat, and that’s over in about 15 minutes.

But I digress. I really, really, really wanted to love Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but as I watched, it became apparent that they were trying to recapture the magic, and failing terribly. Actually, my first thought was “This is like watching my dad go an adventure.” I like my dad a lot, but he’s maybe a bit old for that kind of thing. There were moments of pure Indy, the chase inside the warehouse was great, and the cemetery scene was good as well. But for every one of those, we had a “nuking the fridge”, or “swinging through the jungle”. The other thing that still bugs me is the idea that the guardians of the temple near the end just hang out inside the walls for months on end, waiting, hoping against hope, that someone will come along.

So: How to fix Crystal Skull?

First things first, as much as I hate to admit it, Harrison Ford is too damn old. No one wants to see their grandpa adventuring. So we need to recast him with someone slightly younger. Someone in their 40′s (because we’re doing a movie from the 50′s, as opposed to an earlier Indy story.) Should be someone who can pull off swagger and bravado. We’ll save the actual casting for a “Casting Couch” article. Same goes for Marion. It’s not an ageism thing, but I want Indy to look capable of pulling off the stunts and the physical exertion.Shia LeBoeuf can stay. He was fine. The movie had his character doing some stupid shit, but he himself was not a problem.

The opening can stay intact, except we lose the cutesy gophers. The soldiers arrive at the base, and roll Indy and Mack out of the trunk. They go inside the warehouse and force Indy to find the skeleton. Mac reveals himself to be a traitor, and the scene plays out the same, with Indy escaping on the high speed rail. Only this time, he doesn’t end up in the test site. He watches it unfold from a distance.

Back at the University, Dr Jones’ class is interrupted by a brash young man who enters, leaving an envelope on the desk, while he makes eyes at a few of the girls in the front row. He leaves, and Jones goes to follow him, demanding an answer. However, Jones is met at the door by officials of the US Govt, who want to talk him about the Area 51 event. There is an interrogation, during which Indy’s loyalty is questioned. After much argument, he is released, but followed. He heads back to the university, and opens the letter. Realizing his friend is in danger, he immediately makes plans to head to Peru. At the airport, we see US Agents, as well as Mutt, following Indy. In a brief action sequence, he loses the agents, grabs Mutt, and gets him on the plane as well. During the flight, Mutt explains the background on Oxley.

The Asylum and Cemetery scenes stay intact, except that after they leave Peru, we have a brief scene with the US Agents arriving late to the game, and figuring out where Jones went from the ticket agents. They themselves are being followed by shadowy figures.

Indy and Mutt arrive in Brazil, following clues they have gleaned from Oxley’s letters and the info in both the asylum and the cemetery. They hire equipment, and make their way towards Akator. We have a scene at night by the campfire, in which Indy and Mutt begin to bond, as Mutt tells Indy stories about Oxley, and what it was like growing up in the midst of his genius and madness. Jones tells Mutt that in the morning, they’ll reach the temple. Without warning, the camp is attacked by the Us Agents, in an attempt to capture Jones. Jones and Mutt escape in to the jungle, where they are surprised to find the Russians (who have been following the Americans.) They are brought back to the camp, and Spalko, Mac, and her men attempt to get the location of the temple from Indy. He refuses. They threaten to shoot him. He refuses. They bring out Mutt, and threaten to shoot him. Mutt tells Indy not to tell them. They then bring out Marion Ravenwood, to Indy’s shock. They hold a gun to her head, and ask for the location again. Indy is about to tell them, when Mutt grabs a branch from the fire, and attack the guard holding Marion. A fistfight ensues, joined by the American agents. During the struggle, Indy grabs Marion and Mutt, and they escape.

As they trek through the jungle, we have a scene where Indy discovers that Mutt is his son. The morning arrives, and the adventurers stumble out of the jungle to the top of the Akator structure. As in the film, it’s determined that removing the sand opens the temple. They head in to the temple, and discover a room filled with treasures. They enter the “final chamber”, and see Oxley, sitting in the centre of the room, babbling incoherently. He’s trying to return the skull, but can’t sort out the proper method of approaching the throne. Each time he does, he is knocked back. Indy reads the markings on the wall, and realizes that Oxley can’t return the skull because he’s been using the wrong approach, and that the skull belongs to young child alien. Indy explains the correct way to approach. At this point, Spalko and the soldiers arrive. Spalko takes the skull, and uses the correct path. But she is greedy and angry and impure, and the throne rejects her, destroying her with mystical energy. The same fate awaits the soldiers. The room is sealed, and threatens to tear itself apart. Indy grabs the skull, and starts down the path. Marion realizes the problem, and grabs the skull from Indy, walking down the path. She opens her mind, and the throne realizes that Marion is also a mother, and that she has no ill intent. It accepts the skull, returning it the child skeleton. The door opens, and Marion tells them they need to leave. They head out, as the temple begins to shift. As they exit, they see the ship bury itself further in the earth, the ground above it becoming hills and thick jungle.

Indy is pleased that the Russians didn’t get the ship, but has nothing to show for his adventure. Mutt pulls out a piece of parchment he grabbed on the way out. Indy realizes it’s a map showing the location of an island that could very well be Atlantis.

End with wedding scene as in film.

Damn, that was long. Sorry.

Rob:

I swear to you, I have not seen Crystal Skull, and consequently, I am in the perfect position to fix it.

( I was not allowed outside during those years: see: all previous references to my ex.)

Fist of all (And I mean “fist”, and not “first”, because that is how I feel about seeing this film), Indiana Jones is very clearly a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Indy obviously requires the assistance of a Scrappy Doo, a Bam Bam, one or both Wonder Twins, an Orbity, or any other foolishly conceived youthful sidekick.  Shia LaBeouf, who is a digitally created character, is nearly the perfect choice for this whimsical animated children’s series. Many have compared LaBeouf to Jimmy Stewart,  who is said to have that same “everyman quality”. Indeed, LaBeouf has that everyman quality precisely because he was composited from every single man on earth. The resulting digital map was used to create the most average actor of all time.  LaBeouf would have kid appeal in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, but I have a better idea.

How about this:

Indy goes on an archeological adventure in the jungle.  Upon rescuing an implausibly young, widowed mother of three from a giant spider, or a giant ape, or a tribe of giant ape-spiders, Indy feels compelled to marry this sad but beautiful (also, young) woman, and help raise her family. Also, this woman has a giant rack- like a gonzo Reno stripper rack, like, it’s kind of gross to look at but you have to keep watching it, because it’s like a freakshow. And the eldest daughter, at 17, also has an implausible rack. Might as well slap some enormous tits on the young boys too.

On a nonstop musical road trip in their converted bus, “Papa Jones and His Singing Indies” dance, play  and jiggle their way into the hearts of the world, until one fateful day, while touring in Antarctica, they are sucked down into a Lost World.

In a strange prehistoric land, The Singing Indies stumble across a wounded triceratops who happens to speak English. Not only does this gruff dinosaur named “Trike” speak English, but he also plays the most rock-steady drums this side of the stone age. Also, his rack, while scaly, is pretty big too.

Winning over the hearts and minds of an entire prehistoric world with their family oriented Christian rock, Papa Indy establishes a school for dinosaurs, and his hot wife and daughter bathe a lot.  They all go on many adventures, and Trike eventually gets a spin off series in which he becomes an AM DJ on the Above-World, and adopts a family of Catholic College girls with extraordinary racks. Trike gives them fatherly advice, and they all take their tops off a lot.

How am I doing so far. Better than Crystal Skull? Is my satirical intent clear? I will finally watch Indy 4 when they digitally remove Shia LaBeouf from every last frame.

TONY

First of all, I would like to say that Crystal Skull is not as bad as people seem to think it is.

It has deeply, deeply flawed moments to be sure, but nothing that can’t be fixed. It’s not a disaster of Episode One like proportions

Secondly, (Admin Rock I’m looking at you. ) to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is insane. You know why I didn’t watch Young Indiana Jones Chronicles? Because it didn’t have Harrison Ford in it, it wasn’t Indiana Jones.

Either deal with an older Indy…or do without.

HERE’S WHAT HAS TO GO

1. Nuke The Fridge: Now let’s be fair, straining credulity is not new to the franchise. Technically we should be no more uncomfortable with this than we were with getting your heart ripped out and still living, flying from track to track in a mine car, jumping out of an airplane in a life raft, then swooshing down a mountain side, over a waterfall and then to safety. It’s all total bullshit.

However, for some reason this seems to cross a line. I think it’s the enormity of a nuclear explosion that finally triggers our “OH COME ON!!!” response. Or maybe it’s just the fact that we aren’t watching these as kids anymore. Either way, I think the fight scene and the rocket escape were good enough…in the grand scheme of things the nuclear blast didn’t really serve any function anyway, apart from trying to raise the stakes again. Although I think they should totally nuke Buster in a lead lined fridge on Mythbusters

2. Monkeys. : Raiders Monkey= Awesome, Crystal Skull Monkeys =embarrassing. That HAS to be a George thing, it has to.

“The Monkeys look like greasers, so they decide en masse to help Mutt. Because of his hair.”

“But George, I think…”

“GREASER MONKEYS!!!!”

“Okay, okay, settle down…”

3.Sword fight : The kid having an interest in fencing to justify the swordfight is lame. They can find a different way to fight that would be just as exciting without having to resort to an actual, barely justifiable swordfight.

3. “I’m a double agent, no I’m not, yes I am, wait no I’m your pal” 1980 Indy would have shot him after the first turn, I’m not sure why 2007 Indy didn’t
4. “Here, grab this snake, I’ll haul you out” Ugggh…just ughhhh.

But having said that, the Warehouse sequence is great, the fight scene in the ravenous ants was inspired, the scenes in the graveyard with the blowdarts was classic Indy. I even liked the motorcycle chase. I liked the idea that Indy was O.S.S, I liked the fact that Marion was back. I didn’t HATE Shia LaBouef.

And I did not have the slightest problem with the inter-dimensional beings macguffin it is NO WORSE than having a centuries old knight that’s still alive, or Deus Ex Ark that wipes out your bad guy problem for you..

So my solution to make it better would be to lose what I listed above, maybe write one more really good action piece in its place, give Marion a little more to do, maybe bring in Kasdan to do punch up on the dialogue and bingo. I think you’ve got a good little Indy movie.

Having said all that…don’t make another one.

The Correctness Book Club

This Week: Pride and Prejudice, as reviewed by Dave, Rob, and Tony.

R: Hi everyone, this week we’ve been reading Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I am told that this is one of the great Regency period Romances.

T: I’m a big fan of the Regency.

D: I stayed at the Regency in New York once. It was really nice- a bit dialogue heavy, but nice.

R: Let’s begin with the important parts. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but I’d like to take a moment to judge this book by its cover.

T: Good use of our time, I’d like to focus on the cover if we could, perhaps extensively.

D: Exhaustively.

R: Indeed.  My copy features a woman in a regency period dress, or what I recognize to be a period dress because she looks a bit like illustrations of Laura Secord, or one of those ivory carved necklace things with the lady on ‘em.

D: Is Laura Secord an early nineteenth century character? Do our American friends know her more for her loyalist bent, and less for her delicious chocolates?

R: We’ll google that later, as this is a real time conversation that’s real.

D: Indeed.

T: I’d like to interject here, I always assume that the 19^th century means the 1900’s on first hearing it, but of course, we are talking about the early 1800’s here, which is the dawn of the 19^th century. It always makes me second guess the time period.

R: Thanks, Tony. In any case, judging this book by its cover, one would think there was going to be quite a few women posing in dresses for portraiture in this book.  I was mistaken in this regard, and so a cover which conveys the main plot element somehow, like, um, a topless lady-wrestling ring might be more apt.

D: I’d just like to get back to Laura Secord for a minute, I haven’t seen one of those stores for a while, and they were a real staple of the malls…

T: My copy has Keira Knightley on it.

D: My copy is different…

R: The Keira Knightley cover is the superior copy to be sure, but we don’t need to dedicate a lot of time to Keira Knightley and how totally hot she is, this is about Pride and Prejudice, the taut, yet cynical Regency Romance.  In any case, our story begins with the Bennet sisters all scrambling to find husbands so that they don’t lose their house. May I just say, and we three are all homeowners, as an encumbrance to my land title, I did receive the appliances, but not any of the daughters of the previous owners.

T: Nor did I. My wife would have never allowed it.

D: My cover  has Mr. Darcy with his shirt off, you guys.

R: Yes, Dave, We’ve left that topic for the moment.  In any case, to the rescue of the ladies comes  the wealthy Mr. Bingley, who develops an affection for Jane, the eldest daughter of the Bennets. Meanwhile, Bingley has brought along his sisters and Mr. Darcy on his first visit.

D: Who brings their sisters on a first date?

T: Maybe he’s a group dater.

R: It was a different time, a trip to the country was a bigger deal then.

D: Do you know that? Because I think it’s rude. I think it’s a plot device to get Elizabeth to meet, and be rejected by Mr. Darcy.

R: Dave, historically speaking, a trip to a country manor would have been a matter of some difficulty, and importance.

T: But you don’t know that for sure.

D: Yeah, do you?

R: No, I- You’re right no, I’m just suggesting that it wouldn’t, in the context of the time period, have been so weird to bring along your sisters and your poker buddy on an extended date to the country. In any case, when Elizabeth is rebuffed by Mr. Darcy at a local dance-

T: Rebuffed?

D: I actually want to talk about the buff thing, my copy has-

R: Rebuked?

T: Rejected would be simpler.

R: When Elizabeth Bennet is haughtily rejected by Mr. Darcy-

T: Haughtily?

D: Hottily? Because my Copy, you guys…

T: Haughtily is exactly how it is described on Wikipedia.

R: Well, that’s a coincidence, isn’t it. In any case-

T: Have you even read all of this?

R: Basically, yes,  well, the first several chapters, yes.

T: Because when we get to the part about how Keira Knightley begins to feel more strongly for Mr. Darcy-

R: Keira Knightley? You haven’t read it either!

D: My copy is different…

T: I have too read it. I just mixed them up because I saw the movie.

R: You are lying. You watched the movie.

T: Well, you very clearly read the synopsis on Wikipedia.

R: A SYNOPSIS, I MIGHT ADD, WHICH IN ITSELF WAS ALMOST TOO BORING TO GET THROUGH!

T: This totally defeats the purpose of having The Correctness Book Club, Rob.

R: YOU DIDN’T READ IT, YOU JUST WATCHED THE DVD!

D: Can we just talk about that scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley? Or for that matter, the scene between Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham? There was an awful lot of man-on-man action in the novel, and it seemed out of place to me.

R: Well, I – what?

D: This is from Chapter 3: A Bird in the Hand or: One Night in Bangkok : “Mr. Wickham rested one hand on Mr. Darcy’s cheek, and slid his other hand into the front of his pants. Gently, he began to unbutton the the front flap of his fitted riding pants. ‘We’ll be safe here in the stable’ said Mr. Wickham, his rough hands feeling rougher on the stubble of Darcy’s cheek. He drew him close, the smell of his hair and the smell of the hay loft intoxicating him…”

R: What are you reading? (grabs book)

T: This is “Gay Pride and Prejudice”, Dave, where did you pick this up?

D: At the Rainbow Resource Center, on the coffee table in the library section.

T: Why didn’t you just go to a regular library?

D: Fines. Fines.  Anyways, I thought is seemed a little sexy for Austen. I thought “man, there is more gay sex in this than Northanger Abbey” .

R: That was published posthumously, there is no defending it.

D: How do you know that?

R: Wait, why was your next choice the Rainbow Resource Center? What were you doing there?

D: They have a DVD collection.

R: Yes, I know they do, it’s fairly extensive.

T: How do you know they do, Rob?

R: Because my friend is the festival director for Fairytales film festival.

T: Oooooh! Does he love you?

R: She’s a she, and no.

T: She loves you.

R: Tony, SHE runs the FAIRYtales film festival, the gay and LESBIAN film festival.

T: She Looooooooves you.

R: Tony, No, she clearly- why am I explaining this?

D: Hey, Rob, you left your wallet at the Rainbow Resource Center anyways. Here it is.

R: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! LET’S MOVE ON!

T: Wow sensitive, much?

D: Yeah, that closet getting uncomfortable, Rob?

R: MY SEXUALITY IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION! FOCUS! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE! PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!

T: I think we can all agree that one of the most exciting sequences is when Mr. Darcy finds himself in the jungle temple. He carefully attempts to remove the idol from the platform, and replaces its weight with a bag of sand. Too late, however, the trap is sprung and Mr. Darcy  is being chased through the collapsing temple by blow darts and a giant boulder!  “Throw me the rope!” says Mr Darcy. “Throw me the idol!” says Elizabeth Bennet, but you just know she won’t do it.

D: That is a great moment, yes, but let’s not ignore the moment where Elizabeth Bennet is piloting her X-wing on her final trench run in the Death star, closely pursued by an incorrigible Mr. Darcy – who, at this point in the novel is overwhelmed by the dark side-   but she still manages to hit a target no bigger than two metres wide.

T: That’s a hard target.

D: You forget that Elizabeth used bull’s-eye womp rats in her T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters.

R: Fellas, I think we should-

T: Wait, 2 metres is actually a really big animal. Like, how big is a womp rat?

D: They are obviously a serious pest. I mean, to get that big.

T: But what are they eating on Tatooine? It’s so arid!

D: Jawas? Maybe they eat jawas.

T: Well, that’s plausible.