Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s down to 8, and our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

Rob:

Why hello, dear readers, it’s me, you’re friendly neighbourhood Correctness intern, RobbieRobTown. Golly wonkers folks, I am torn as can be about the quarter final match up this week. On the one hand, we have the Incredible Hulk, who, as I am told, is incredible. On the other hand, we have the Batman- not just a batman, but the Batman.

First, there is Bruce Wayne who, as we all recall, was bitten by a radioactive lantern that gave him his powers, and then there is Bruce Banner, who was bitten by Stan Lee’s cat during a drunken college “experiment”. It’s an all Bruce face off! Hot Bruce on Bruce action!

During the first Hulk fight, I told an unrelated story about watching the Hulk on television in Regina, Saskatchewan in the eighties. I would never do something like that to you guys again. I think it was downright irresponsible of me to distract from the very, very, very serious matter of legitimately adjudicating a tangible, and fundamentally important fight between fictional characters. I mean, this is our highest traffic item, by far! God knows, I realize that none of you that are here today will read my Jane Austen piece, which you can find here: http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/the-correctness-book-club-pride-and-prejudice/

I realize now that I have been remiss in my duty to the public. I mean, No, I’m not as much of a comic book nerd as the rest of The Correctness. Yes, the whole idea of the Superhero smackdown was proposed by me as an excuse to have Kitty Pryde win because it seemed funny to me.

Right, so based on my non-canonical argument about Batman in the Dark Knight novels ( and by graphic novels, I mean “comic books”, and by canonical I mean catholic) , since he totally dropped Superman twice, I’m giving this one to Batman based on the same rationale. This is entirely consistent with everything I have ever said, or will ever say, forever, undeniably.

Winner: The Batman

DAVE

On a gut level, this one seems like a cakewalk for the Hulk. He’s pretty damn powerful. And rage filled. And smart. or not. or is he again? Who the hell can keep up, Marvel can’t seem to make up their minds about the Hulk. So yes, a Juggernaut of power, if you will.

And yet, There’s The Batman. He’s smart, skilled, trained, dangerous, and human. IF the Hulk can get his hands on The Batman, Hulk wins this thing. But my gut tells me that Batman is way too smart, and experienced with big, hulky type guys to get caught. You break a man’s spine once, shame on him…

So in my world, Batman uses his two days to watch the Hulk, learn his patterns, and also to create some devious but simple trap to distract the Hulk. While Hulk is easily escaping this, Batman pulls the second trap, which is probably also a distraction from the actual plan. He KOs the Hulk using sedatives, or electricity or whatever Batman thinks of (See, I’m not as smart as Bruce Wayne, and haven’t worked out every last detail.

All I know is that

Winner : Batman

TONY

HULK: HULK WILL SMASH POINTY EARED…Woah Hulk Feel Déjà vu…

BATMAN: That’s right Hulk, We’ve done this before. Early eighties, you, me, Joker, Shaper of Worlds, remember? Although I can’t quite remember who won…

HULK: Hulk think was tie or something

BATMAN: That’s right, back in those days it was always fight for a bit, then team up against the bad guys. Nowadays it’s a real free for all…I remember when I kicked Superman’s ass…

HULK: You beat Blue Man? Hulk no beat Blue Man, Hulk impressed.

BATMAN: I sure did. I beat his ass good, I developed this special armour, used sonics and Kryptonite…why are you smiling?

HULK: Hulk no see armor on pointy eared man…

BATMAN: Oh. OH.

Yes, as you can see by the illustration, the first of our quarter finalists have tangled before. I actually had the comic, as I couldn’t resist seeing two of my very favourites having a go at each other. Plus, as an added bonus it had the Joker, so you couldn’t really go wrong. But they had dialed the Hulk’s powers back significantly, and even then I recall Batman was saying the word “Lucky” a lot. “Lucky I’m able to shift my weight and land correctly, lucky I was able to…yadda yadda yadda”

Now more than ever the question of setting and prep time come into play. Generally speaking, Batman’s history of taking out those who are significantly larger than he is consists of him getting his ass handed to him (Bane, Mutant Leader, Killer Croc) and then learning to fight smarter and beat them the second time around. But there is no second time around here. If Batman has a weakness, it’s that he WANTS to take em out through brute force (“So many lovely ways to hurt them”) so he sometimes rushes in where angels fear to tread.

Or maybe that’s just why I keep dying when I play Arkham Asylum. hmmmm.

Anyway he CAN NOT go toe to toe with The Hulk. That was why I gave the fight to Hulk over Hellboy last time. Hellboy will always come down to a punch out, and Hulk can’t be beaten that way.

But I believe Batman is smarter than that. When we discussed what the situation was, we decided amongst ourselves that this is a gladiatorial style contest, both fighters know what they are getting into but have only a day or two to prepare. So Bruce Wayne can’t rely on Waynetech coming up with its own Hulkbuster armor, there just isn’t enough time.

However…

A little research and some money can certainly add an adamantium hypo chock full of tranquilizers to the old utility belt. If Captain America can do it (And we all know Bats would beat Cap…or do we?) then Batman can certainly do it. All he has to do is stay away, and get one good shot in.

Now having said that, Cap had the rest of the Avengers to keep the Hulk occupied, and he REALLY got a beating laid on him before he brought him down, but I maintain that Batman would do a lot more staying away and choosing his spots. He only has to hit once.

With much reluctance, I’m giving it to Batman: But with the caveat that if this was a “No time to prepare” scenario, Hulk would make the Batman miss the comparatively tender embrace of Bane.

P.S. I want a cool catchphrase like “Golly Wonkers” Rob out cools me again. One day….!!!

Decision: Batman

Batman moves on to the Semi Finals. Tune in next week to see who will join him. Next up Spider-Man vs The Flash. Let the debasement begin!

Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.

Hulk Versus Hellboy

Rob: Why I agree to go first is beyond me. This time I’m coming right out in the open- That’s right, I’m coming out of the nerd closet. I only know The Hulk because of the TV show, and I know Hellboy because I saw the sequel- that’s right, the sequel- ONLY the sequel. At the time I was missing Conner Oberst at the folk fest when I saw the Hellboy movie, and I was in a pissy mood, and I’m in a pissy mood this week anyways, and all I really want to do is be a dancer but you people are holding me back YOU ARE ALL HOLDING ME BACK! I hope you can tell that I am storming off into my virtual room, and slamming the virtual door, and listening to the Smiths, or whatever the fuck, like, I dunno, the Dashboard Confessionals, or whatever. In fact, I’m probably virtually listening to Weezer’s Pinkerton because I’m in such a virtual iMood, which, at least compared to the Dashboard Confessional Booths or whatever they are, is an enjoyable album. I am graceful! DANCER!

I happen to know for a fact that all Lou Ferrigno wanted to be was a dancer, and all Bill Bixby wanted to be was Lou Ferrigno. And you know what? The Incredible Hulk was on TV before the A Team on some channel in Regina, Saskatchewan in the 80’s , and I spent every episode building ziplines and mountains for a bunch of plastic army guys using scotch tape, and string, and blankets. Furthermore, I remember the clock radio was pink, and I thought it was cool, and if that makes me gay then screw it, I’m a big gay pink clock radio lover. Why wasn’t I out in the backyard, or at Wascana Park? No idea, I wasted my life. Don’t even get me started on the Ang Lee movie, I couldn’t even bring myself to rent it. Oh, and before I get even more off topic, I always thought Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby were the same guy, I was young enough to buy the stupid illusion, it never occurred to me they weren’t the same size, and sometimes when my cotton shirts are old, i tear them off in front of my mirror. I’ve even done that with some threadbare boxer shorts to weird effect.

Okay, Hellboy wins, because Hulk is retarded, and Hellboy is only kinda dumb. Hellboy would be able to use some kinda dumb strategy, and Hulk would just smash stuff. I know you are going to tell me Hulk isn’t dumb now, and I don’t even care, though, I do care about the fact that Guillermo del Toro is a great director, so that’s another reason for him to win.

Runner up: The A Team

Winner: Hellboy

Dave: On the surface, this one seems like it could be close. Two incredibly strong behemoths, known for raw strength and stamina. One a wise-cracking sawhorned Beast of the Apocalypse, the other a brilliant scientist with a traumatic childhood.

Hellboy’s Pros: Hellboy is capable of extreme cunning, and might be able to figure out a situation that would be to his advantage, to lure the Hulk into a trap of some kind. He does possess a healing factor, and that massive hand. He has some big guns.

Hulk’s Pros: He’s the god-damned Hulk. He has almost limitless strength, insane stamina, and the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. He doesn’t even seem to have any real weaknesses (a la Kryptonite).

Hulk takes this one without question. I cannot imagine a situation that would result in a win for Hellboy.

Winner: Hulk

Tony:

Hellboy: Hey, Banner! (pulls out the Samaritan) I got some anger management for ya! (Shoots Hulk. Bounces off him like the bullets were circus peanuts)

Hulk: Red man try to hurt HULK? HULK WILL SMASH THE RED MAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Hellboy: Awww crap.

So begins this earth shattering clash of otherworldly bruisers. But before I engage in my speculation, how about a round of applause for Rob everyone? Give him your derision. Apparently he’s begging for it. Also, lets set up a few parameters here. In setting the scene, lets assume (for my purposes anyway) that the police have evacuated about 10 city blocks and sent Hellboy in to deal with the rampaging Hulk. That means cars will be thrown, buildings will crumble, Hellboy has places to hide, rest, plan attacks if he needs to. I should also point out who exactly we are dealing with here.

Hulk has had more colours than Rainbow Bright, and various levels of intelligence, and levels of malevolence. For my purposes I’m dealing with classic Green “Hulk Smash”, dumb ass, savage, madder he gets stronger he gets Hulk. As for Hellboy, he is going in alone, sans team, but armed. And by armed I mean fire arms, not some ancient Babylonian Relic of a God named Deus Ex Machina that has the power to knock the Hulk unconscious, or magic bullets that will calm him down etc. I came for a fight and God dammit I’m going to get one!!!

Now Hellboy is used to dealing with things that are bigger than he is. No matter how badass he is, somehow he’s always the underdog. And there is some part of him that likes it that way. And no matter what happens it usually comes down to him wading in and throwing that big stone fist around.

I think he would ring the Hulks bell quite a few times. He may even manage to knock him off his feet once or twice. But he better enjoy it, because the more he succeeds in knocking the Hulk around, the madder the Hulk will get, the stronger he will get. In fact, I’d be willing to say that if it went on long enough, the Hulk, who once threw Thor’s hammer, which he is NOT supposed to be able to do AT ALL might even crack/shatter the right hand of doom itself. Hellboy would get a nice up close view of the surrounding buildings as he was thrown through several of them, and perhaps had one thrown on top of him.Tough as he is, Hellboy is going to run out of juice before the Hulk is

Sorrry Hellboy. We are giving this one to the Hulk

THE WINNER: The Incredible Hulk

THE LOSER: Hellboy and the surrounding 10 city blocks.

So Hulk smashes his way to a win by a 2 to 1 margin. as you can see , we have dropped Aquaman from Wolvies bracket in favour of Spawn, and those two will face off next week. Also we’ve had quite a bit of feedback urging us to drop Robin. We are willing to do that, so please feel free to leave a suggestion for a replacement vs. Kitty Pryde.

Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.

Well gang the Superhero Smackdown continues, after a less controversial but still somewhat contested victory for Superman. There has also been a line up change…

As you can see we have removed Aquaman from the competition, as really Namor is the only person he should be squaring off with, and replaced him with Spawn. We were flirting with Spawn vs. Hellboy, sort of a Battle from Hell thingy, but we had our hearts set on a showdown with the Hulk.

We have received some great feedback, keep it coming. In particular, we received one that told us to set the scene a little more carefully, as environment is a crucial factor in deciding who would win. We agree with this and will set the environmental parameters a little more carefully in the future.

We look forward to being called “Dipshits” this Friday. Hulk vs, Hellboy. It’s gonna hurt. Join us, won’t you?

Here at The Correctness, we deal in things nerdish. Also geekish and Pointdexterish, but mainly nerdish. And if there’s one things nerds can do better than most, it’s arguing about minutia. (Also math, computers, biology, chemistry, botany, etc).

Some of you out there are thinking, “so friggin what”. And you’re right. But just for a moment, consider the endless entertainment appeal of watching the little guys get really, really worked up about nothing, with the calming knowledge that if they get out of hand, you can easily subdue all of them, regardless of the numbers involved.

Without further delay, The Correctness presents a handy list of phrases that, when uttered in the presence of nerds, will guarantee a argument. We’ve also provided a guide for the non-nerd to have a frame of reference as to why these things can be dangerous.

The recent re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica ended in a fashion that divided the nerd camp into two groups: Those that immediately proclaimed it the best thing ever made for television, and those that rolled their eyes and moved on immediately. There is bound to be at least one of each in any group of 3 or more nerds.

One side will be making a case for the constant religious overtones, and the phrase “All of this has happened before, and will happen again”. They will cite the seeding of the “Final Five”, and the “head” characters as proof that the ending is completely keeping with the run of the show.

The other side will make some strong points about ludicrous decisions and bacteria, possibly something about doing it with cavemen. Neither side will win, nor give up. All of this has happened before, and will happen again.

Firstly, “The Prequels” refer to Episodes 1,2,3 of the Star Wars films (but the nerds will know this already. We’ll discuss the fact that the 4th through 6th episodes came first another day.)
The sheer disappointment of the collective fanbase from the prequels is still being felt in the nerdiverse to this day. The mere notion that they might have overlooked something, or more properly, that there might be something of value in these films will be enough to send them immediately at each other’s throats.

You can throw in some comments about love, and how it makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. You can argue that Anakin follows his heart, and does everything in his power to prevent the death of the woman who loves him. Finally, to ensure some rage, say “there’s no stronger commitment of their love then when Padme says ‘Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo’”.

This item should be reserved for nerd groups that contain a hipster or two. For starters, Apple’s makert share of computer sales is closer to 8-10%, so you’ll get a reaction from Apple fanboys, both those who know what the true number is, and those who can’t possibly believe it’s that tiny. It will also kick off a lengthy discussion of the superiority of Apple computers, which will be refuted by the cost vs performance issue, which will lead into a virus/operating system dependability discussion. Seriously, you can get at least 2 beers worth of entertainment from this one.

Babylon 5 was a syndicated sci-fi show that ran for 5 years, and isn’t well known outside of geek circles. It’s primary characteristics were that the entire run of the show was plotted out in advance, that it featured realistic physics for its space battles, and that it was pitched to Paramount executives, who passed on the show.

Deep Space 9 was the 3rd “Star Trek” series, and is considered by many Trekkies to be the best of the bunch (and certainly the darkest). It ran for 7 seasons, and is known for the fact that it took place in a single location which other came to (rather than a ship exploring like the other Star Trek shows). This was modified later in the series, but is still essentially accurate.

This match-up is a familiar one for nerds, and sets them off like cake at a fat camp. You have the “was DS9 based on B5″ argument, which might take all night on its own, and you have the various parties arguing for the superiority of their own favorite. Feel free to throw in comments such as “Why did they need to add Worf?” and “It’s weird that they changed the commander like that” to keep both parties going.

Unlike most of the items in this list, which are simply opinion based, this one is just fact. There aren’t that many Manga fans out there, but if you’re lucky enough to have one present, this will send them into a frenzy, citing examples of groundbreaking work from Japanese guys you’ve never heard of, like Toshiro, Yogotaki, and Mishriyama. If they seem like they might be holding their own in the argument, don’t be afraid to mention Sailor Moon, and Tentacles.

This item could very easily backfire on you, if you’re not prepared. You’ll likely be greeted with a unified front of disagreement. Don’t be scared, and stick to your guns. Remember, your goal here is not to be right, but to make nerds excitable. Make reference to things like the comic book look and feel of the movie, and the subtle effect of the psychological make-up of Bruce Banner. DO NOT attempt to argue on the following points: Hulk Dogs, Nick Nolte.

This topic will flush out the full nerds from your group, they simply won’t be able to feign ignorance, or keep their opinion to themselves. Recently, the new (4.0) version of Dungeons and Dragons came out, and sparked immediate discussion about the merits of the new system compared to version 3.5. There are many similarities between the design of 4.0 and the ridiculously popular (among the nerds) World of Warcraft. Watch as the 3.5 purists mock things like healing surges and diagonal movement costs. See the 4.0 advocates mock the high level problems of 3.5, and espouse the speed of the combat system.

An argument that even the non-nerds can jump into. comparing the relative merits of Captain Kirk to Captain Picard will generate discussion of Starfleet policy, acting styles, and manliness. Again, if you’re looking for flashpoint issues, throw out these two: “Shatner cannot act”,”Picard was French”.

The Kirk camp will be those who love The Original Series the most, and won’t be swayed by arguments involving the cheese factor, Kirk’s staccato delivery, and his flagrant chewing of any furniture in the nearby vicinity.

The Picard people will think themselves superior due to the more sophisticated nature of The Next Generation. They will point to Picard’s maturity, his acting ability, and his baldness.

No show in recent memory has sparked more discussion among the fanboys than Joss Whedon’s “Firefly”. Fans of the show loved it for its attractive cast, irreverent attitude and snappy dialogue. Detractors hated it for its use of the “space western” genre, and mostly the way the fans of the show seem to drool on endlessly about. If your luck is good, and the beer is strong, and the moon is full, you may be lucky enough to have this argument reach physical combat. And nothing , not even a redneck bar fight, is more fun to watch than Dexter and Milton duking it out over Nathan Fillion.

And thus, we come to the end of our article. We wish you good luck in your nerd-baiting, a phrase we hesitate to use, as it simply sounds wrong, and conjures up images we’d rather not have to scrub out of our brains later.