Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!

Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s down to 8, and our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.

Rob:

Why hello, dear readers, it’s me, you’re friendly neighbourhood Correctness intern, RobbieRobTown. Golly wonkers folks, I am torn as can be about the quarter final match up this week. On the one hand, we have the Incredible Hulk, who, as I am told, is incredible. On the other hand, we have the Batman- not just a batman, but the Batman.

First, there is Bruce Wayne who, as we all recall, was bitten by a radioactive lantern that gave him his powers, and then there is Bruce Banner, who was bitten by Stan Lee’s cat during a drunken college “experiment”. It’s an all Bruce face off! Hot Bruce on Bruce action!

During the first Hulk fight, I told an unrelated story about watching the Hulk on television in Regina, Saskatchewan in the eighties. I would never do something like that to you guys again. I think it was downright irresponsible of me to distract from the very, very, very serious matter of legitimately adjudicating a tangible, and fundamentally important fight between fictional characters. I mean, this is our highest traffic item, by far! God knows, I realize that none of you that are here today will read my Jane Austen piece, which you can find here: http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/the-correctness-book-club-pride-and-prejudice/

I realize now that I have been remiss in my duty to the public. I mean, No, I’m not as much of a comic book nerd as the rest of The Correctness. Yes, the whole idea of the Superhero smackdown was proposed by me as an excuse to have Kitty Pryde win because it seemed funny to me.

Right, so based on my non-canonical argument about Batman in the Dark Knight novels ( and by graphic novels, I mean “comic books”, and by canonical I mean catholic) , since he totally dropped Superman twice, I’m giving this one to Batman based on the same rationale. This is entirely consistent with everything I have ever said, or will ever say, forever, undeniably.

Winner: The Batman

DAVE

On a gut level, this one seems like a cakewalk for the Hulk. He’s pretty damn powerful. And rage filled. And smart. or not. or is he again? Who the hell can keep up, Marvel can’t seem to make up their minds about the Hulk. So yes, a Juggernaut of power, if you will.

And yet, There’s The Batman. He’s smart, skilled, trained, dangerous, and human. IF the Hulk can get his hands on The Batman, Hulk wins this thing. But my gut tells me that Batman is way too smart, and experienced with big, hulky type guys to get caught. You break a man’s spine once, shame on him…

So in my world, Batman uses his two days to watch the Hulk, learn his patterns, and also to create some devious but simple trap to distract the Hulk. While Hulk is easily escaping this, Batman pulls the second trap, which is probably also a distraction from the actual plan. He KOs the Hulk using sedatives, or electricity or whatever Batman thinks of (See, I’m not as smart as Bruce Wayne, and haven’t worked out every last detail.

All I know is that

Winner : Batman

TONY

HULK: HULK WILL SMASH POINTY EARED…Woah Hulk Feel Déjà vu…

BATMAN: That’s right Hulk, We’ve done this before. Early eighties, you, me, Joker, Shaper of Worlds, remember? Although I can’t quite remember who won…

HULK: Hulk think was tie or something

BATMAN: That’s right, back in those days it was always fight for a bit, then team up against the bad guys. Nowadays it’s a real free for all…I remember when I kicked Superman’s ass…

HULK: You beat Blue Man? Hulk no beat Blue Man, Hulk impressed.

BATMAN: I sure did. I beat his ass good, I developed this special armour, used sonics and Kryptonite…why are you smiling?

HULK: Hulk no see armor on pointy eared man…

BATMAN: Oh. OH.

Yes, as you can see by the illustration, the first of our quarter finalists have tangled before. I actually had the comic, as I couldn’t resist seeing two of my very favourites having a go at each other. Plus, as an added bonus it had the Joker, so you couldn’t really go wrong. But they had dialed the Hulk’s powers back significantly, and even then I recall Batman was saying the word “Lucky” a lot. “Lucky I’m able to shift my weight and land correctly, lucky I was able to…yadda yadda yadda”

Now more than ever the question of setting and prep time come into play. Generally speaking, Batman’s history of taking out those who are significantly larger than he is consists of him getting his ass handed to him (Bane, Mutant Leader, Killer Croc) and then learning to fight smarter and beat them the second time around. But there is no second time around here. If Batman has a weakness, it’s that he WANTS to take em out through brute force (“So many lovely ways to hurt them”) so he sometimes rushes in where angels fear to tread.

Or maybe that’s just why I keep dying when I play Arkham Asylum. hmmmm.

Anyway he CAN NOT go toe to toe with The Hulk. That was why I gave the fight to Hulk over Hellboy last time. Hellboy will always come down to a punch out, and Hulk can’t be beaten that way.

But I believe Batman is smarter than that. When we discussed what the situation was, we decided amongst ourselves that this is a gladiatorial style contest, both fighters know what they are getting into but have only a day or two to prepare. So Bruce Wayne can’t rely on Waynetech coming up with its own Hulkbuster armor, there just isn’t enough time.

However…

A little research and some money can certainly add an adamantium hypo chock full of tranquilizers to the old utility belt. If Captain America can do it (And we all know Bats would beat Cap…or do we?) then Batman can certainly do it. All he has to do is stay away, and get one good shot in.

Now having said that, Cap had the rest of the Avengers to keep the Hulk occupied, and he REALLY got a beating laid on him before he brought him down, but I maintain that Batman would do a lot more staying away and choosing his spots. He only has to hit once.

With much reluctance, I’m giving it to Batman: But with the caveat that if this was a “No time to prepare” scenario, Hulk would make the Batman miss the comparatively tender embrace of Bane.

P.S. I want a cool catchphrase like “Golly Wonkers” Rob out cools me again. One day….!!!

Decision: Batman

Batman moves on to the Semi Finals. Tune in next week to see who will join him. Next up Spider-Man vs The Flash. Let the debasement begin!

Oh Constant Reader, you may recall that in order to celebrate our 100^th member of our facebook group, we held a contest requesting your best “advice column letter”. We also asked you to sign off with a clever acronym that summarized your troubles, like “NERD” or “BATMAN”.   The Correctness is pleased to announce that the contest submissions are in, and one of these lucky advice askers will receive dinner with The Correctness! Imagine an entire evening of smarminess!  But first, we know that you want our advice, and we are delighted to offer it to you, smarmily.  Contest winners will be announced shortly!

Dear Correctness:

When I married my husband I was a regular person with a passing knowledge of superheroes and sci-fi related stuff. I had great conversations about art, politics, and world events. After marrying a nerd I now find we discuss the merits of Wolverine vs. Batman at length. How can I get my husband to talk about events in the real world?

Dreaming Of Real Knowledge

Well DORK (see that’s how that works, that’s funny) , 1/3 of The Correctness worked at the Zoo for a summer, and I can tell you that everyone likes to discuss the relative merits of things. Additionally, everyone, everyone, EVERYONE wants to know which scary thing will win in a fight. This is human nature. Who would win, a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear? Answer: A polar bear you fucking numbnuts, they are gigantic bears.

Second, try sitting down with your husband, somewhere away from the action figures that are still in their boxes, and discussing events of importance to you. Be sure to remind him that his last chance to have sex ever again is on the line. If he remembers that he is a gigantic nerd and can’t fathom how he managed to entice a spouse that is willing to touch his man-parts, you will be amazed by the speed at which he gets up to date on current events and matters of philosophical importance.

Thirdly, and I think this is your real question here, I sense that you are asking who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine. I can safely say Batman would win. Don’t contradict me, I know that Wolverine has adamantium bones and claws, and he also has super strength. I also know that Batman is essentially just a dude. However, one look at the panel of Batman in the Bat Cave standing over the bloodied wreck of Superman’s spongy flesh in The Dark Knight Strikes Again , and you can rest assured that Batman would kick Wolverine’s ass, even if it took him 20 years to research how to melt adamantium. Oh, is adamantium magnetic? Because why doesn’t Magneto just magnetize it? I guess it isn’t magnetic, like aluminum? In fact, if somebody could just explain all the retarded shit in the marvel universe to me, that would be great, and I say that as a big Spider-Man fan.

Dear The Correctness,

What the fuck is with you guys making me cut and paste your email
address from your contest post to this email? I should be able to just
click that shit. Haven’t you heard of href? As in, <a href=
“mailto:thecorrectness@thecorrectness.com“> Anyway. That’s not my
question.

This is my question. I like to buy lottery tickets, doritos, and
batteries from a Korean convenience store located near my home. The
store is well stocked with goods, but purchasing them presents a problem
because I can’t understand a fucking thing the person behind the counter
is saying to me… especially when I’m drunk. I’m pretty sure that the
stout lady guarding the smokes is mocking my English in a Korean or
other kind of Chinese accent. What should I do?

Frustrated,
Kim Chi

I suspect, Kim Chi (Not an acronym, but within acceptable advice column standards), one of the issues might be that you are racist, but another issue might be that we are trying to avoid “bots” discovering our email and spamming us. Right at the heart of the matter is this: You have a communication barrier with your Korean store clerk, and I have no desire to receive emails about how much bigger my penis could be.

The solution for this is simple. The service you are getting from the Korean store clerk is miles better than you would get from a sullen teen, and I simply do not want to have to think about the  size of my penis.  Does the Korean convenience store lady have a hot, university-aged, violin playing daughter? Oh, or cello? Preferably cello. I don’t mean to reinforce cultural stereotypes, I’m just saying that sounds hot.

Dear the Correctness,

I am in 8th grade of St Frencklebert Jr high School. Recently I started Dating a real guy that actually exists and I did not make up. His name is Edward Effron and he is like super real. And my Boyfriend. He is my real Boyfriend. And he is like super hot and sings in musicals and such. And he is probably a vampire for real. Anyway one day at lunch while I was definitely NOT eating at the fat kid table I overheard my real boyfriend who is real talking about the fact he is getting me a real horse for my birthday next week because I am hot like Becky Stevens and not fat like she says. How do I tell my not imaginary super real boyfriend that I want a majestic Clydesdale with out giving away I know the surprise? For real?

Signed,
Lovely And Married to Edward.

Listen, LAME, I totally get where you are coming from. As the unmarried 1/3 of The Correctness, I too have a totally real girlfriend who exists and is real and is just shockingly hot, but she just isn’t in town right now. You know, like, you could meet her but she lives far away, so she exists and I’m not gay is the bottom line here. She and I have problems like that all the time. Now, I’m a little older than you, so I’m going to try and make this advice as practical as possible. My totally real girlfriend is constantly surprising me with rad gifts like vacations to New Zealand and batmobiles (that’s another thing about wolverine -no car), and she loves to catch me off guard with such things. When she proposed to me recently at Comicon in San Diego, I happened to know it was coming. I knew she purchased the reproduction “One Ring” with a modified inscription in Elven, because I keylogged her Dell.  Here is how I handled it:

Try to remember that even though you know what the surprise is in general, you should just accept whatever (horse or One Ring)you get, this is still a person that you care for very much, and that now is a good time to show your true feelings, unlike Sauron, who disguised his hate and greed inside the ring, secreted away in Mount Doom. When you are presented with the gift, Clydesdale or no, just let the feelings in your heart for your boyfriend shine through and your appreciation will be enough! You may even come to love the horse he has selected for you, as it represents his love for you, which is real. Also, may I say your vampire-musical boyfriend sounds totally hot, not that I swing that way, but if he’s legal I’d be interested in meeting him, you know, to talk, or just, whatever ends up happening between two consenting men, or whatever- Like, maybe he and i could just have a barbecue and a few beers, you know, it doesn’t have to get weird, whatever. Oh! As well, if your horse begins to consume your soul and turn you into a Horse Wraith, double check on the vampire thing.

Dear RobbieRob Town and the Correctness:

I need your wise advice on what to wear and how to act when meeting an Assiniboine Chief.  I need to make a VERY good first impression.  I know I can count on the Correctness to give me the advice I require for just such a meeting that is why I have turned to you.

~Assiniboine Native Girl Inconceivably Eburnean

This is an interesting tactic, ANGIE. I see that you have outed your name in your acronym, eliminating the anonymity of your submission. How curious.

Next up, I had to look up “eburnean” so thanks for and addressing your question specifically to me and making me feel like a jackass.

Finally, regarding your question:

As it is clear you are both Native, and assembled form some kind of ivoroid structures, I cannot possibly hazard a culturally sensitive answer.  I would like, at this juncture, to introduce you to my ten foot pole. With this, I will not be touching your question.

Dear The Correctness,

It seems like the names of bad species or civilizations in science fiction all end in -ons. Star Trek had Klingons. In Babylon 5, it was Vorlons. Battlestar Galactica had the Cylons. Coincidence? (Note: Star Wars did not follow this quite obvious tradition).

signed,

George Lucas Doesn’t Understand Sci-Fi Tradition

Ah, GLDUSFT. Wait- GLDUSFT? What the fuck kind of acronym is that? A bullshit one, is the answer. I’ve heard better acronyms out of NASA, and they set the bar pretty low with excluded letters and cuteness.

In fairness you have an interesting point. It certainly explains my preternatural fear of the terrifying Monctons and Edmontons, with their hideous glowing eyes and ridged foreheads. Star Wars species and character names are the subject of much debate but I can tell you, once and for all how it works.

At the Skywalker ranch, in a pond rich with nutrients, George Lucas breeds huge catfish. He then dives in and wrestles these 100 pound catfish. Next, he pumps carbon dioxide into the stomachs of a captured catfish, and with the wriggling fish still under arm, he squeezes it. The resulting noises produced by the fish’s mouth are the names of the species in star wars.

Dear Correctness:
My side of the family is steadfastly Star Trek… In my parents’ basement there are several Star Trek posters and life-size cardboard cut-outs of Spock and Kirk (who attended our Star Trek themed wedding and danced with several of our guests, by the way)… They have several tee-shirts and my brother brought us back some Romulan Ale and a Tribble from their trip to Las Vegas.

My husband and I LIKE Star Trek, but also enjoy Star Wars. We have a Rebel Alliance Fighter-Pilot outfit ( pic attached ) as well as a Crimson Guard outfit (  pic attached ); our friends also have the outfits ( pic attached ), we used to play unprecedented amoungts of SW RPG with the original 6D system… (see example:  (pic attached )

My family has threatened to disown us if we switch to Star Wars…

Do you suppose there is any chance in hell of our families ever getting along? One side wants the familiar galaxy from the future and one side favours the alien galaxy far, far away from a long time ago.

Can you propose any solution or are we all just going to end up clashing in some kind of temporal loop that will collapse on itself because the past/future would collide like matter/anti-matter? Can’t we have Hyper-Speed AND Warp-Speed?

Signed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

WCWAJGA, Thanks for submitting your acronym which IS in fact a species name from the Star Wars universe. I could go on at length about how much WCWAJGA is precisely the kind of sound created by a catfish when you inflate and squeeze him. You can almost hear the bubbles of water in the throat and the benign flap of the gills, which, I might add, is how Ben Burtt did the sounds for the Mon Calamari in return of the Jedi.

That said, no, your family and your husband will never get along the way you want them to. This is because they are asking one of the great questions. They are asking you to compare the relative merits of Star Trek and Star Wars. This is a decision which must be carefully weighed, and not just glibly tossed out there as if you believe Wolverine had the tiniest chance against the sheer awesomeness of Batman. You really need to get in there and weigh the pros and cons, before you start the argument.

For example, the three Star Wars prequels were largely ungood, but Star Trek produced whole seasons of television series which were ungood like, oh, DS9, or Enterprise, or Voyager.

Why not try this: take it to their level? Pick something specific that has bothered you about Star Trek, and then bring it up as the reason for your conversion to Star Wars fandom. Try “We switched to Star Wars because of how unwatchable Star Trek 5 was”, and your family will defend the fact that Shatner had a different premise entirely,  and that Paramount wanted to capitalize on the comedy in Star Trek 4 and so they rejected the vastly more interesting pitch of “Star Trek in Dante’s Inferno” and dumbed it down to whatever that abortion of a plot “The Voyage Home” turned out as, making Shatner look like a bad director even though he isn’t.

See how that works? You’re back in safe territory, because they are now obligated to explain why they love Star Trek, instead of attempt to understand your love of Star Wars.