ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week, The Man With No Name takes on Han Solo! Western vs Star guys.

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Tbinns

May I indulge in a not at all relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

I think the show New Girl should do a cross over episode with Two Broke Girls to become Two Broke New Girls. And of course by “Cross over episode” I mean Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel should make out.

Sweeps week. Make it happen.

May I indulge in a barely relevant tangent for just a moment?

Thank you.

There is a reason why I have always preferred Han Solo to Luke Skywalker…I mean apart from the obvious, he’s way cooler, less whiny, etc.

Luke Skywalker is a dick. That’s right, a dick, I said it I stand by it. Who else but a dick would shrug off the death of the people who raised him like it was nothing, even after watching their skeletal remains smoulder. He turns his head away, for like half a second…”OK! Grieving period over. Bye people who raised me. That’s what you get for not letting me go to Toshi station.” That is some cold, cold shit Skywalker. Oh, but of course losing the Old weird guy who he JUST started hanging around with is a big deal. Not enough of a big deal to actually LISTEN to the guy when he speaks to him from the great beyond and tells him NOT TO GO FACE DARTH VADER, but enough to feel sorry for himself.

You are a huge dick, Luke.

Anyway Solo versus He Who Will Hereafter Simply Be Referred To As “The Man”

Maybe I’m way off base here but I can totally see a scenario wherein the two actually agree to LET each other get to the weapons each one taking their own, going to their respective sides and turning it into a good old fashioned cowboy quick draw. I think Solo is cocky enough to take The Man up on that, and I think The Man is smart enough to suggest it.

I say smart because on the count of three …Solo is dead.

1. Because NO ONE beats The Man in a quick draw scenario. NO ONE not even Solo. And…
2. Because Han does not shoot first. Not anymore. Are you happy now, George Lucas? Han Solo is dead and it’s YOUR FAULT!!!

And the more I think about other scenarios the more it comes up in The Man’s favour. Suppose they don’t have their gentleman’s agreement? Solo is useless in a hand to hand situation. He only tried it once and screwed up, allowing two Biker Scouts to get away. The Double cross, Han agrees to the weapon exchange and then shoots the man? ? If the Man knows anything, he knows to ALWAYS be on the look out for the double cross.

Nope. I love me some Han Solo, but that does not mean he can beat The Man with No Name

Winner: The Man with No Name

Loser: Luke Skywalker. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Admin_Rock:

Tricky one for me. Haven’t seen any of the movies with The Man With No Name. Westerns generally don’t do it for me. There’s a few I’ve seen and enjoyed, but generally, I don’t care for them. Something about the genre maybe, not sure. Didn’t stick with Deadwood, though lots of people rave about it. I just find them a bit, well, dull. Firefly was great, but I think that had more to do with the space element, and some great writing.

I know Han Solo though. Most overrated hero ever. He can fly a ship, i’ll give him that. But he’s lousy in a gunfight. And that’s what we have here. A purportedly expert gunfighter against a pilot who is okay at best as shooting a gun.

As I’ve mentioned before here, I’m kinda done with Star Wars for a while. I think I’ve seen it enough. I love arguing about it, so it’s not like I’ve stopped recognizing it, etc, but I’m not worshiping at the altar anymore. So I’m not looking at Solo through the eyes of an impressionable six year old. And when you remove those glasses, he’s…not that great.

Winner: The Man With No Name

RobbieRobTown:

Okay, I always had to play Luke Skywalker when we would play “Star Wars” in our neighbourhood, because everyone else wanted to be Han. Allow me to explain the rules of “Star Wars”. Star Wars is a wide game, not unlike Hide and Seek, Kick the Can, or Capture the flag, except instead of rules and goals you play a character and then run around and announce your intentions. Come to think of it, my friends and I may have invented LARPing, except we were 5 years old, so we were free from the guilt associated with any of this.

Oh, and Lesley, it wasn’t a wedding at the end of Star Wars. It was A medal ceremony. Do you hear me Lesley? Luke and Leia do not get married… Unless she is marrying all of them? That’s just gross girl-boy stuff, man. What kind of chick wants 3 husbands, one of whom is a wookie? Yes, I know, the answer is: A girl I should probably call in my adult years…

Anyway, I didn’t get that Han was cooler when I was young. Luke was magical, and what’s up with Han? Nothing. he runs and shoots stuff. Hello! NO FORCE. What makes that guy special? Nothing.

When I finally saw Return of the Jedi in a theatre, I warmed up to Han, but by then I already had my role as Luke assigned.

The Man with No Name I remember best as being Doc Brown’s befuddled assistant from the eighties, and he smokes a cigar and throws some pie plates, and then he wears sneakers in an old west bar. Also, his mom was hot.

Both of these guys would cheat the rules and mess with the system. Both of these guys would rather not be here. Both of these guys would assassinate Darth Vader.

Oh, and I’m sure Admin-Rock has already mentioned this, but as he so rightly pointed out to me the other day, it is NOT that Han shot first, it is more that Greedo NEVER SHOT AT ALL.

The dialogue here is entirely dependent on who has written the script. Can we pretend it is Lawrence Kasdan?

Han: Something kind of witty, but not too much.

MWNN: …

Han: Something Cocky.

MWNN: …

Han: !!!

MWNN: .

And then Han shoots first, or more correctly, The Man With No Name never shot.

And even if he did shoot, would a blaster melt a bullet in the air? This journalist says: Maybe.

Winner: Han

Loser: Biff Tannen

 

Winner: The Man With No Name

So RobbieRobTown’s childhood loses out to the much more distant and crusty childhoods of TBinns and Admin_Rock.  The Man with no Name steals a win, and you hurl abuse at us!

ACTION SMACKDOWN!

This week: Mad Max of, uh, those Mad Max movies  vs Han Solo, recurring peripheral character in the Sit Com known as Star Wars

The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.

Just in case anyone gets confused, we’ve invited CubReporterK to join in on this round of Smackdowns, and, rather than confuse things with an even number of judges, we’ll have one of us (rotating throughout) sit out. This week, Admin_Rock is off, which, due to his anti-Solo bias, might be a good thing.

 

 

RobbieRobTown:

I just want to say, I have been paid a steaming shit-ton (that is 1.8 metric shit-tonnes) of money to fix this smackdown, so I’m going to make sure it all comes down to Han and Indy in the final round, even at the expense of entertaining you people! Do you know how much money I am being paid to make the inevitable outcome in favour of Han Solo and Indiana Jones? Like, thirty dollars! Yeah! Thirty! That’s three- Oh! That’s $32 American!  Steve already gave me the money!  That pays for our domain for, like, a month! It’s easily double our google-ad profit for both years we have been running! Don’t try and talk me out of it, I have already essentially spent the thirty dollars, and this website was exclusively my idea in the first place. That’s right TBinns, it was all my idea!  Do you hear me Admin_Rock? It was my wonderful idea, you guys didn’t help at all, and I’m going to run this fucker into the ground and leave with all the glorious profits! Do you know how many slurpees I can buy with $30? It’s like, um, like, 16 or something! Sometimes if you need matches for your barbecue, and you just ask to buy matches, they will give you free matches too, over at the 7-11. Once I have collected 15.8 slurpee cups, and 4 packs of free matches (free!), and 15.8 plastic spoon straws, I will build a motherfucking rocket to the moon! I will be on the moon and I will shit on all of you from my motherfucking mooncastle, you shitty apefuckers!

So, The fight this week (not that there is any point in reading further, dear fans, with all the sex you have with real live humans, you make me sick. Do you know how wrong and gross it is to touch another human being? That is how you transmit the common cold, not to mention diabetes, I think, and I am not going to catch the diabetes from kissing anyone, not even a girl.) is between Han Solo and Mad Max.

As film franchises expand, the quality usually goes WAY up. See my comments at the bottom of this article:

http://www.thecorrectness.com/correctness/the-correctness-round-table-a-new-blade-runner-movie/

This is the reason that both Beyond Thunderdome and Episode III are inarguably the finest of their particular worlds.  I know, Han wasn’t in Episode III, even though Chewie was. What was Chewie doing in those intervening 20 some odd years? I’ll bet he had a crisis of faith in the Force, and that’s why he turned to crime and smuggling. Maybe Han was a ratty teen somewhere, and he was fixing up cars and racing them against Ron Howard, or whatever.

Anywhozle, both Han and Max have had to contend with being in enough films that at least one of their movies has cute kid-friendly characters in it. Beyond Thunderdome has precocious feral 3rd graders, and ROTJ has Ewoks.  I was 5 years old when Jedi came out, I saw it in the theatres, and I can assure you that the Ewoks were the greatest thing EVER. They were my height, but they fought the Empire and totally won! What did the kids in Beyond Thunderdome ever do? Okay, they fought Tina Turner and won? That’s some bullshit, because Ike Turner used to fight Tina Turner all the time and win.

So, We have max and Han, and they are in the ring together. Both of these guys are basically good at heart, but I think both would have the presence of mind to run for the weapons in the middle of the arena and make with the shooting.

I’m going to base this decision on one of my classic, scientifically derived techniques. When I was making decisions in the Superhero Smackdowns, I would often consult my Marvel Cards (First edition! They are for sale, if you want them…) and check on height and weight of the individuals involved. The thing that always ruined my fun about Marvel cards was that it quantified the relative powers of all of their heroes. This sucks some of the fun out of being a reader, but in the early 90′s comic books were not mean to be enjoyed, simply placed in aplastic bag and catalogued for future resale (seriously, I have all the holograms with the Marvel cards, I will sell one complete set in the original hand decorated note-tote binder for yet another $30). However, since these characters are not from the same universe, they are not hampered by some retarded statistics that make determining the outcome a pointless exercise. rather the opposite, and that’s why we write these smackdowns.

So, why would I decide the winner of this fight based on height and weight? maybe I won’t, in fact, to hell with that! We all know Mel Gibson is short, but what we also know is that he is crazier than fuck. Crazy people are terrifying in a fight. Does that mean he has the edge?

Brace yourself for my conundrum: If I eliminate Han Solo from the competition right now- Let’s say I do it because Han is a bit more moral than Max, and Max has less to lose- Then you, YOU GOOD PEOPLE, have a problem. Since this is fixed, and everyone actually, secretly, wants to read a Han/Indy final round (Search your feelings, you know it to be true!), if I eliminate Han right now, I will half our readership for the remaining smackdowns.  But you know what? I already got my thirty dollars, and I’m not likely to see Steve again for a while, so decision is made!

Max is scary, Han is way cooler in every conceivable way. No little kids ever dressed up as mad max to play Road Warrior after dark, but every kid on my block played Star wars- Unless we were playing Kick the Can… yet, does it matter what little kids think? Isn’t this an emtionless adult assessment of badassery?

Winner: Han Solo

Loser: My brain for having to try and think through that.

SuperLoser: Me when the comments start coming in.

Tbinns

Max, warrior of the wasteland, veteran of at least one post apocalyptic cage match on bungee cords, steps into the arena. Before him, on the platform a sawed off double barrel shotgun and a hand blaster. Max feels very much at home. On the other side, Han Solo, space pirate, scoundrel with a heart of gold. He’s poised, ready to go, wary of his surroundings. This is a man who chased off a whole squad of stormtroopers on his own. He’s not about to back down, he is keeping his distance. But he doesn’t LOOK like he’s keeping his distance. He walks casual.

Solo is not in his element, he’s not flying the Falcon…but Max also does his best work in a moving vehicle. And Solo is FAST! Remember he got THREE shots off at Vader before most people even REGISTERED who was standing on the other side of the brunch buffet. Trouble is it’s not an old west style quickdraw. Good thing for Max, because if it was, it would be over quick.

Buzzer goes… both men sprint for the weapons, but Max is altogether too much of a hard ass for Solo when it comes to hand to hand. He beats him down as he tries to get to the weapons. Solo is lying on the ground when Max points the shotgun at him. Max looks him in the eye…and hesitates. Just like he did in Thunderdome. He is a killer by necessity, not by choice. Which is when Solo points the small blaster he smuggled in at Max and blows him away. Greedo, Max, whoever, it doesn’t matter…if you hesitate/gloat for even a SECOND with Solo he will shut you down.And he’s not dumb enough to go in there without a back up plan.

But just then…George Lucas comes over the loudspeaker…”No, Han Solo is not a Killer…and technically he is my property so…here’s the new improved fight…” so he digitally erases the entire fight and replaces it with one where Han does NOT shoot first, and consequently Max turns his face into Bantha Poodoo with his double barreled shotgun. But to be fair the resolution on the second fight looks awesome. And off in the stands, The wookie howling with grief and outrage in the stands is overdubbed with a long cheesy “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Winner: Max

Loser: Cinema purists.

Cub Reporter Keith

Max stands next to his worn-out Interceptor, amazed at the water casually spilled in the stands. That water is worth its weight in petrol. He sees his sawed-off shotgun, usually kept at his hip, waiting in the centre of the combat area. Across the arena is what looks like a gunfighter but much cleaner – black vest, black pants with a red stripe, and a yellowed shirt.

…

Seriously, I was watching the Star Wars blu-ray and in a lot of scenes Han’s shirt is a yellowed colour. You always see him depicted with a white shirt. I’ve never seen a drawing or action figure of him with a yellowed shirt. That was so weird.

… anyway …

Han Solo meets Max’s eyes. He instinctively reaches for his blaster but his holster is of course empty. He spots it sitting on top of a pedestal between them. Never one to wait for someone else to make the first move, he breaks out in a dead run to retrieve it.

Max is startled by the sudden movement and looks around a bit confused waiting for someone to give him a hint to his first move. Reluctantly he also starts running for his weapon.

Max’s hard leathers give him a distinct disadvantage in a foot race and Han gets to the pedestal first, jumping to climb it. Max is still far away when Han reaches the top and stands up, holding his blaster and giving himself a congratulatory grin.

Max slams his full weight into the pedestal and Han’s eyes go wide as he falls backward and he accidently kicks the shotgun off, right into Max’s waiting hands.

Han lands with a thud as Max moves toward him. Han is stunned and has dust in his eyes, but the extremely loud squeaking of Max’s leathers give away that the apocalyptic anti-hero is nearly upon him.

Max aims the shotgun one-handed at Han’s head as Han scrambles back. Max moves into killing range.

Max get off the first shot but it goes wildly past Han’s head. From only 3 feet away you would think it an easy shot but Han seems capable of dodging bullets. “It would be out of character for me to shoot first,” Han thinks, “but it is perfectly honorable to kill a man who is incapable of hitting me from this extremely close range.”

Han fires and Max falls, smoke billowing out of his blaster wound. “And I thought Max’s leathers smelled bad before he was cooked,” Han quips.

Winner: Han Solo

Follow Keith on Twitter at CubReporterK and listen to his comic book podcast at www.wetalkcomics.podomatic.com

Decision: 

*****UPDATE! DECISION OVERTURNED!******

Errors caused by a certain intern contributed to the incorrect decision being called! Who will go on to the next round? POSSIBLE REMATCH IN 4 WEEKS?

Way to go, Benji, you ass.

My nephew, Brendon is soon to become a father. He just bought his first house, and is thinking of applying his trade to his own business. When faced with the huge responsibilities of adulthood, one tends to turn thoughtful…introspective even. And then, you start asking the big questions. questions like…

Hey Uncle Tony Ummm…. Had a question which I am sure nerds have debated for for at least 25 years. Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk? I wanted to ask the vast knowledge of the Correctness but I dunno if there is a question section. Now if in question the Spock Kirk duel music is playing, no crowd, just a rancor to kill the loser.

Bren, I want you to know that you can always turn to me for advice in vital matters such as these.

The answer is: It depends.

If it’s a straight up fist fight? Well, I’d give the edge to Kirk. Who can withstand the might of the Hands Clasped Chop or the Awkward Drop Kick?

Gun Fight? Solo. Solo is a cowboy, you just aren’t going to outdraw him. Kirk would hit the ground before he uttered the phrase “Set to stun”

Ship to ship? Well there is no debating that The Enterprise is faster and outguns the Falcon massively. BUT The Falcon is WAY more maneuverable, I don’t think anyone would be able to get a lock on him. and if it’s a pilot fight between Solo and Sulu? Put your money on the guy who has out run Imperial Star Destroyers. Not the local bulk cruisers mind you, I’m talking about the big Corellian ships now.

Any tangle with Solo in his element is going to end with Kirk screaming “SOLOOOOOOOO!!!!” into his communicator and having it echo endlessly into space.

So if we do the math, that’s 2 out of 3 for Solo, so he is the Winner. But let us take this before the Correctness Council of the Wise before we raise anybody’s arm here.

Gentlemen?

DAVE: I can weigh in here, but it won’t be popular, or pleasing. Here it is straight up: I fucking HATE William Shatner. I don’t think he’s awesome, or clever, or funny in any way. ANY. WAY. Never liked him, never will. Calling him “The Shat” just makes be think of the past tense of pooping, which is pretty close to what his acting is. And don’t even get me started on his singing or directing, the past tense of which would be “The Vomat”. I guess what i’m trying to say here is “I fucking HATE William Shatner”.

The Original Star Trek is dear to many, but I suspect it’s mostly that kind of nostalgia that makes people think the Transformers were EVER good, or that an A-Team remake was in any way necessary. Really, it’s a pretty dull show, very dated (not its fault), and hard to swallow.

All of this makes it difficult for me to give Captain Kirk any credit. He’s a bit of a buffoon. He makes grand speeches, and waves his hands around a lot, and occasionally karate chops someone. Also, The Federation is the biggest bunch of goody two shoes going, about as incompetent as it gets. Palpatine could probably have just told them, “I’m taking over”, and it’s game over.

Han Solo on the other hand, has the whole Harrison Ford thing going for him. And Han has a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, whom I admire greatly. And Han kicks a lot of ass.

No question, Han Solo in a cakewalk. Also, Han Solo as winner of said fight.

ROB:

I, unlike my associate Dave, LOVE William Shatner.  I love William Shatner in that same pseudo-sexual way that many men love James Bond in. I have read the Tek-War novels, I own a CD copy of “Has Been” and find his duet with Henry Rollins to be both funny and cool. But we aren’t talking about William Shatner, we are talking about James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk.

James T. Kirk is the Batman of Star Trek. In fact, a fight between Batman and Kirk would be totally rad, let’s do that next week. New Smackdown Proposal: Anybody sacred versus anybody sacred. You will lose your shit we we do Santa Claus versus the Pope.

While the Federation is indeed a bureaucratic yawn, Jim Kirk is a troublemaker. Kirk has disobeyed the prime directive so many times, they might as well call it the sub-prime directive (Also acceptable punchline: The Second Derivative Directive).

But let’s get down to the metallic bulletin board anchors: If  your question Brendon, was “Who scores with hotter ladies”, then the answer is an emphatic “Jim Kirk”. There are websites dedicated to the hottest babes on Star Trek, and the hottest generally speaking have all been told the meaning of “Love” by our own Iowa farm boy and space jockey, Jimmy Kirk.

You, Brendon, did not ask that. You asked “Who would win in a battle Han Solo or Captain Kirk?” and a fine question that is. I assume you did not mean a sexy battle, because no number of Leias-in-gold-bikinis is enough to counter the immense volume of hot space tail that Kirk has tagged.

I love Han Solo too, though I never wanted to be him when I was a kid. I wanted to be Luke, because I wanted the force. Nonetheless, Han is pretty rad dude, and he says all the coolest lines with WAY more cool than Shatner could ever muster.

Han is by far the snappier dresser, and has a cooler collection of friends than Kirk. The number of times I hid in the closet to escape capture by the Empire as a kid should say something- about the Millennium Falcon and how cool it is, not about me being closeted, which is a rumour I don’t need further help with getting going…

Determiners: Han didn’t shoot first, Greedo never shot. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru. I haven’t had sex in nearly 2 years.

I love Star Wars more than I love my family, but my money is on Kirk.

This week we explored a different (though in many ways familiar) tack. The poll question pitted Han Solo vs Indiana Jones, in a fistfight.

68% of you chose Indy, the vastly superior choice. Had we allowed other weapons, things would be different, but for our dollar, Indy has far more drive, ingenuity, and sheer determination. Plus, he’d probably cheat. Han can talk the talk, but he’s a bit less of a sure thing when push comes to right hook.

But perhaps the real winners here, based on my wife’s reaction while I was writing this: The ladies.