(ED: Normally, The Correctness avoids direct commentary on matters of a political nature, as we feel our audience understands that most politicians are dummies, but in this case we couldn’t resist.)

According to the media, The Calgary Flames players,staff, and families were able to arrange a private clinic to receive H1N1 vaccinations, while the unwashed masses had to line up, and are now waiting for clinics to re-open. We might be able to understand this if they had a bunch of appointments to show off the Stanley Cup, but that hasn’t been a problem for 2 decades.

Hooray, we're immune to H1N1

Perhaps their plan to succeed involves winning games by default as other teams fall victim to H1N1. Perhaps it was a plot by local high-end retailers, concerned that a prolonged flu sweeping through the team would cause the player’s wives to miss their weekly shopping trips. Or perhaps the bar for celebrity in Calgary is now so low that a team that has been so very average for so very long that Calgarians demanded this.

More likely, another example of Alberta Health Services “policy”, which is apparently being set by a room full of 15 year olds hopped up on Cherry Dr Pepper, rolling d20s to see what the next policy will hold. “Today’s high risk groups will be (shake shake roll) Seniors, Mechanics, and Bugbears.”

None of us would be slightly surprised if AHS came out with a press release stating that flu shots would now be administered in alleyways in the downtown core. Speaking of which, I suspect there are some dealers out there who could have handled this rollout without breaking a sweat. Sure, we’d be sharing needles, and instead of waiting 15 minutes after your shot to go, you’d have to hang out on the couch with 2 big dudes named Spike and G2, while the “care giver” admonishes you for your lack of interest in early Stones tracks, but I bet everyone would get what they needed.

The Correctness wonders if the Flu fiasco in Canada and the USA will be the final proof that politicians are a bunch of lunkheads who don’t really know more than you or I, and need a swift kick in the pants, votin’ style. We haven’t seen this kind of failure on the health front since Beatlemania ran wild. Folks, if they can’t even handle rolling out some shots to the public, what makes us think they can hold back the inevitable zombie hordes?

(ED: Today’s article comes from our vast archives. This originally appeared in the July 1910 issue of The Correctness.)

The Correctness is concerned about health issues, as we all are. With all this talk about Hand Washing, we’ve decided to get to the bottom of the issue, to help you avoid any confusion.

CLAIM: Hand Washing can kill germs that make us sick.

We’re not ones to hop on a band-wagon, but there seems to be some validity to this. Earlier this year, Dr. Josephine Baker began program in New York City to educate child care workers about hygiene issues like hand washing. Opponents to her program are claiming that such measures are reducing the need for doctors and health care, and that such a thing will cause a lack of illnesses.

We decided to speak to many of these indidivuals, to hear their complaints. Here is what they had to say:

Dr. Robert Hechler: “Hand Washing won’t stop germs from spreading. In fact, it will make them spread faster. Moving them around with all that water. It’s a disaster waiting to happen”.

Dr. Otto Reichensvold:”Hand Washing hasn’t been tested enough. Do you have any idea what is in SOAP???!!! It has lye in it!!! LYE!!!

Dr. Samuel K Sammail: “Anyone who cares about their bodies should avoid hand washing. There are better ways to destroy germs and stop illnesses, such as applying leeches to one’s parts, and smearing garlic upon the brow of a newborn child. That’s assuming you can find a child who hasn’t died at birth, of course.”

Dr. Frannie Stevenson: “Hand washing doesn’t kill germs. God kills germs.”

Dr. Abner Dulang: “People over the age of 25 are immune to germs, to tell them they need to wash hands is immoral”.

Dr. Harold Buferkin: “This all sounds like an attempt by the government to control the population. Next they’ll be trying to “cure” smallpox.

The Correctness has seen a lot of stupid things in its day, but few more stupid than the recent spate of “alternative remedies” which purport to make you immune to H1N1. Things like “wash your hands”,”gargle with salt water”, and “drink oil of oregano”. Washing your wands is a great practice, and gargling with salt water makes your throat feel nice, they won’t increase your body’s immunity to an airborne virus. Many people are claiming that the H1N1 vaccine is “untested and rushed”. We’re assuming that these same people can point us to the Lanset Journal article on the double-blind study on the efficacy of Oil of Oregano…. We’re still waiting…

In light of this, here are some other things that won’t raise your immunity level.

Eating Tacos at Lunch – Tacos are delicious, and we love them. They combine many of the good things in life. One time, when we were leaving Monterey, we stopped for a burrito, and it was awesome. But it didn’t make us immune to the flu.

Midichlorians- In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t cause H1N1 with their crappy expository existence. Seriously, Lucas, WTF?

Saying Please and Thank You- Again, we fully endorse this behaviour, and being Canadian, we pretty much can’t help it. But our studies haven’t conclusively proved this helps with flu.

Crossing Your Fingers – This one is just bad form. Usually, it’s a sign that you’re attempting to deceive someone, or renege on a deal. Flu can see right through that shit.

Not Feeding it After Midnight- Wait, no, that’s for Gremlins. That one you should listen to, just not for H1N1. Damn, you really thought that?

Using Q-Ray Bracelet- This will be as effective as the Slap Chop, which is to say, not at all. Or maybe that’s just what the military industrial complex WANTS you to believe.

Not Drinking Water with a Meal- The idea of this stopping the flu is much like the idea that you can’t get Syphilis from a hooker as long as you pay her. It’s simply not true.

Introducing Small Pox to the Flu – What? Are you people serious? That not how it works, but, forget it. Look, this is difficult at best, because as we all know, Smallpox was eradicated through the practice of pouring Hydrogen Peroxide in your ears. Oh wait, no, it was through a VACCINE.

At any rate, we wish you well this flu season, and remember, wash your hands, look both ways before crossing the street, and above all else, remember to hang an onion above your door.

The Correctness received this impassioned plea for wisdom a few days after the close of our contest, but we felt it warranted special attention, due to the serious public health concerns:

Dear Correctness,

Could you please help me and my friend with a problem we are having. As residents of South East Asia, it has come to our attention that many people are afraid of contracting H1N1. This in itself is annoying, as the current strain of the virus appears to be as terrifying as dermatitis, and quite a lot less irritating.

However, our real issue is with the fucktards (and we do not borrow the term liberally in this case) who think that they will save themselves from this disease by wearing crappy paper face masks they purchase in the local pharmacy.

How do we cope with being surrounded by morons who believe a non sealed paper mask, worn throughout the ENTIRE day, and possibly even recycled into the next, will operate as a droplet infection barrier?
What do we do when we witness again and again these same plankton brains having conversations while LIFTING THE MASK AWAY FROM THEIR FACES, and then replacing them?

We do not know why we get so angry. My friend saw one with a Pooh Bear picture on it. This particular mask caused an overwhelming desire on her part to shove it into the gob of the idiot who was wearing it, whilst coughing all over them. If I had been there, I worry that I may have actually rugby tackled the person and held them down for her.

Is everyone else in the world stupid?

kind regards

Everyone Very Indignantly Livid Because In This Country H1N1 Equals Stupidness.

Wow, you are really angry EVILBITCH(1N1)ES.  But let’s get right down to it. H1N1 is a present, unstoppable risk to all humanity, and bacon. Bacon, EVILBITCH(1N1)ES, Bacon. While I am no expert on South East Asia, other than which hotel has the most whores off the strip despite their comical efforts to be a “family” business, what I can tell you something about is Canada. Every year in Canada, about 10,000 people are killed by the garden variety, boring old flu. You know, the “jeepers I’m feeling a bit under the weather, was I drinking last night, no because i’m a teetotaler” kind of flu.

Similarly, in Canada, well over -1 people died of H1N1, and I assure you it is A REAL, TERRIFYING, LEGITIMATE THREAT THAT IS WAITING FOR YOU TO STOP LOOKING TO SNEAK UP, INVADE YOUR ASS, AND GIVE YOU EBOLA LIKE SYMPTOMS. Do you want your intestines to turn liquid, leaving only sagging sausage casings inside of your body to feebly attempt to digest your food?  Have you ever fought a ninja? Do you know what it is like to get ninja stars in your eyes? Because I assure you, that’s what H1N1 will be like- it will be like ninja stars in the eyes, while shitting razors, while listening to The Doodlebops, or possibly the Wiggles.

The reason so few people can be considered confirmed fatalities with H1N1 is that the virus is too goddamn smart for you. It knows you are trying not to think about it, and it will be back, and in greater numbers. It will be back like Sand People. It will be back like your ex girlfriend. It will be drunk, it will be angry, it will be demanding you let it in. It will be holding one broken high heel in it’s hand.  It will be back like Arnie. It will be back like the oral herpes you forgive yourself for because that was college, and it’s different from the other herpes, even though, really, no it isn’t.

EVERYONE MUST PROTECT THEMSELVES OR FACE HIDEOUS RAZOR-ASSED DEATH.

Safety basics:

1. A paper mask is imperative. The size of the pores in the paper through which the majority of your air flows are larger than the H1N1 virus. This will assure the airborne virus passes through the paper mask like water passes through a drain- all swirly like. If you are in the southern hemisphere, you must wear your mask upside down, due to the Coriolis Effect. The efficacy of a loose paper mask cannot be denied. Most major epidemics have not started near paper masks or any large sources of paper, like stationary stores. This is based on years of research. I never once got AIDS at Staples.

2. Have Winnie The Pooh on your mask.  This is important for several reasons. First, take solace in your childhood, this may be the only thing that saves you. The small amount of joy brought to you in the face of your certain doom by having Winnie the Pooh on your paper mask is one of your few lines of defense. Second, and this is a medically proven fact, Winnie the Pooh will be exposed to the virus first before you are, because he is in front of you. This is more than science, this is simple logic. If you don’t have Winnie the Pooh on your face, you’d better get something, anything, like  a photograph of someone you hate, and then strap that thing right onto your paper mask. They will totally get H1N1 before you do because viruses are transmitted in linear rays, from the infected to the first object they bump into. Winnie the Pooh is really taking one for the team here, but nobody wants to see Christopher Robin shitting mucousy blood while Eeyore laments everyone’s inevitable suffocating death.

3. Take off the mask to talk to people. This is just polite. Viruses respect courtesy, and won’t betray you. This is also why I never got AIDS at Staples.

4. Panic. Look, I know we just met. But H1N1 is out there, and it has been watching you sleep, and taking notes on you, and it has a whole log book of your behaviours. Once people start turning into bloodthirsty God-forsaken zombies and begin consuming the flesh of the living to satiate their unstoppable lust for infection and death, we may not have much time left. I think the only place we might be safe here is inside of this stock room at the Staples. What did you say your major was? Marine Biology? You’re going to swim with the dolphins someday, for sure you are. No, no, even though both of my friends with Marine Biology degrees ended up counting fish stock and sorting species of kelp , I just know YOU are the one Sea World wants. You’ve got something special kiddo. No, I’m not just saying that because we are going to die. We’ll get out of here somehow. Now bring over one of those boxes of glossy cardstock, and let me take your pants off. It’s all we can do to survive this. No I didn’t bring a condom. This is STAPLES. we are in a defensible, paper filled fortress. Don’t mind my cold sore, it’s going away.

Be safe out there everyone, and get with the program, EVILBITCH(1N1)ES, because you are at real risk of dying too. Now take your pants off.